AN: it's been a short while, I have written three chapters just need to edit them, anyway thank you for your support and equally for your reviews so without further delay here's the next chapter.
Chapter 25: love me and leave me
The monotonous task of staring at words on a screen till they became nothing more than an indecipherable mass of data, kept Eponine's thoughts clear of the thoughts that plagued her mind. Thoughts which consumed her, mocking voices laughing at her attempt to convince herself she was, strong, patient, and cool but that's nothing but lies her brain interjected , in less than four weeks he will tear your heart to bits and you will crumble into a weak pathetic heap.
Cosette's ivory complication glowed with sweat, her hand clutching at the closing of her satin dressing gown as she reached out and opened the door to find apprehensive blue eyes gazing back at her.
"You don't look well", he said softly as his cooling finger splayed across her forehead, she was burning up.
"I think I've come down with something", she said with a weak smile.
"You think...", he said offering her a small smile as he steered her to the bedroom, tucking her in as she slipped into bed leaving, he wondered into the bathroom, wetting a cold cloth he placed it on her forehead, a sudden flash and images of a sick Eponine drifted into his mind, her soulful brown eyes staring up as if he was her saviour, he froze hand hovering above Cosette's forehead a strange feeling washed over him it was something in-between discomfort shame, and a simmering fear that he was doing something wrong .
"I can always rely on you", Cosette mumbled, Enjolras glanced into her grey eyes and tried to smile.
"Just rest..I'm going to go buy you some medicine", Enjolras said staggering to his feet awkwardly and heading out the door. As he stood in the street a small voice pierced through his consciousness maybe the reason you feel discomfort shame and fear is because you don't want to look after anyone but Eponine, maybe you don't understand right now, but you want the way you look after Eponine to be different from others, she's different, she's different, it has to be different with her.
Enjolras had always looked after Cosette always picking up the pieces when those around her didn't, it didn't matter how she was hurt, emotionally or physically he was always there. The routine of looking after Cosette had always been the same except now, his whole body felt heavy as he changed the coolly cloth, his arms feeling dead as he stirred her porridge, his heart lightly grumbling we shouldn't be here, we cant stay on this side any longer, we can't.
Pulling the coat tighter around her small frame, Eponine stepped out of the marbled building only to be confronted with unfathomable hazel eyes.
"Hello Eponine", he sighed tiredly Eponine gazed at him steadily happy that her heart for the most part remained unaffected by his presence, whatever had lingered before was now gone.
"Hello Marius..haven't seen you in a awhile", she said simply.
"I've been out of the country...", he explained calmly, a strange far off look in his eyes.
"did you need something", Eponine asked, Marius glanced at her his hazel eyes swirling with something unfamiliar, shame.
"I want to talk", he said after a short pause.
"Talk...fine lets talk", Eponine said slowly sounding the words out, Marius smirked.
"That was quick, now that you don't like me, you're okay spending time with me", there was a hint of mocking spite in his voice, lathered in a layer of sarcasm, Eponine frowned.
"Don't smile, after burning every bridge, shattering every chance, destroying every life line you're still going to continue being a crazy bastard, maybe I'm an idiot but I was offering you one last chance, if you don't want it hurry and tell me, because I really don't wish to waste anymore time on you", Eponine spoke coolly, holding his gaze, Marius took a deep breath looking away and rubbing his eyes, his face furrowing in contemplation before his whole body sagged.
"lets go for a drink", he murmured quietly after a short pause not meeting her gaze, so Eponine led him to the only bar she knew, for the first hour they barely spoke simply sitting side by side and gently sipping on their drinks.
"You're right I do like destroying things, it makes me feel real when the things I desire crumble around me", Marius said after awhile.
"That excuse might have worked when you were a child, but the truth is that you're just a coward Marius Pontmercy, you've always been the biggest coward", Eponine said calmly.
"You're probably right...no one knows me like you do", he said hoarsely taking a large swig from his drink.
"What happened while you were away...this is strange even for you", a bitter and uncomfortable laugh fell from between Marius' lips at her observation
"I met an old friend and he told me that he killed his wife..." the glass was once again raised to his mouth his words fading as he took another big swig.
"Do I even want to know" asked Eponine with a frown.
"It's not what you're thinking, she committed suicide bled out on their fluffy white carpet surrounded by bottles of wine, while we drank he made it his mission to make me understand how kind and giving his wife was even, though all he ever did was abandon and hurt her, even in her final moments she was still sweet blaming herself for not being strong enough, sorry to him...she was sorry to him what kind of sense does that make, she could have used her final moments to hurt him, except it was all sweetness and apologizes ", he said bitterly a hint of disgust in his voice.
"loving someone is a risk, when you truly love someone you let them see all of yourself, if they decide to use that knowledge to destroy you there's nothing you can do, the pain and shock from the betrayal is too great, there's no room for hatred because your wasting time going crazy, yearning for them, see me please just see me, I'm right here why can't you see me, and when they continue not to see you the emptiness you feel is quite something...that fear is pretty paralyzingly there's nothing you can do", Eponine said far too knowingly staring deeply into Marius' eyes, he flinched glancing away .
"is love really everything, why are people so stupid why would you let someone else have so much power over you, it doesn't make sense just because it's love, does that mean everything is excusable, is that the way it is", an angry strain clung to every syllable he spoke.
"what exactly are we talking about", asked Eponine gazing at him steadily.
"you should have seen her back then Eponine, she had such a bright spark in her eyes, so carefree and happy, so naïve...in the short space of six years she's become a completely different person, and it's all because of me" he said gazing down at his hands.
"if it's sympathy you're looking for, you won't find it here, from what I remember you were one cruel bastard, I think you kind of enjoyed it being vicious, showing no mercy...you were really scary sometimes" Marius turned to look at her, frowning.
"it's strange to see how much you've changed since last time I saw you, you would've never spoken to me like this", Marius said with a contemplative frown.
"I didn't change, I just grew up but you haven't changed a bit, you're still just like a child destroying things simply because you can, don't you think it's time to grow up" Eponine said evenly.
"how come you're not ruined like she is", he didn't need to say her name she already knew who he was talking about.
"when you left me, after tearing my heart out of my chest for what seemed like the millionth time, I really felt like dying, I was... ruined and it's taken me this long to fully recover, but it seems like that woman is still in the process of being destroyed...by you", Marius glanced away a little nervously, unnerved by the steely gaze in her once warm brown eyes.
"...maybe I should call off the wedding, she's better off without me", Marius jumped as Eponine slammed the glass down on the table and glared at him with hard eyes.
"you're trying to run away... you pathetic coward", Eponine said disgusted.
"then what the hell am I supposed to do...I ruined her, there's nothing I can do" Marius glared back, Eponine scoffed.
"Why don't you try taking responsibility for once in your life, like an adult...no like a human being", Marius held Eponine's unwavering gaze internally chastising himself for ever thinking she was weak or pathetic.
"You're right..but I'm afraid" he said putting down his glass.
"afraid?...do you think you're the only one, there's no one in this world who hasn't felt intense fear at some point, don't use that as an excuse", Eponine searched Marius eyes wanting to believe that he was finally close to becoming a human being, searching intently and gazing beneath those deceptive hazel eyes searching for something real and genuine.
"how did you stand it..all the pain I gave you, how the hell did you stand it", Marius asked gazing into those beautiful brown, that were once all his and she saw it as a clear as day, remorse.
"I loved you..so I really didn't have choice", Eponine said simply with a shrug, Marius gazed at her for a long while.
"I never deserved your forgiveness did I", he stated plainly taking a deep breath.
"No, you definitely didn't", Eponine replied with a playful smile, all though her eyes remained tense and serious.
"what did you do... to end up loving a cruel bastard like me", Marius said slowly, Eponine simply smiled gazing away.
Cosette's eyelashes were flickering nervously as she slept, Enjolras remained perched on the bed gently stroking her hair from her face, until the sound of faint muttering drew him closer.
"Don't leave..don't leave me..", she muttered restlessly, Enjolras's heart gave a gentle jolt, wondering if she was talking about him "Marius" she finished, and his heart dropped, slowly he leaned back rising from the bed, he tucked her in tightly before gently closing her bedroom. Grasping the steering wheel Enjolras sighed, he should be used to this by now, Cosette would never be his, what about Eponine his heart asked achingly as it tightened, he leaned back in his chair, he needed a drink.
" I should probably go see her", Marius said with a heavy sigh as he jumped off his bar stool.
"don't tell me you haven't seen her since you got back", Eponine asked a little horrified, Marius shrunk under her accusing gaze.
"well...I'm going now" he said quietly. Eponine sighed shaking her head as she climbed off her stool as soon as her feet touched the ground she was pulled into a hug, but it was different it wasn't possessive and demanding like the last few times, it was sad, it felt like a goodbye, Eponine still struggled.
"let go...what are..I thought we were... over this", Eponine's voice was muffled by Marius coat as she struggled against his chest, Marius hold tightened.
"This is the last time I'll seek you out 'ponine, my kind, sweet, forgiving first love, I'm really letting you go this time, really letting go... for breaking your heart time and time again, for betraying your trust, for ruining you...I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, you might not believe me but there was a time when I loved you sincerely...", he kept whispering into her hair, Eponine remained very still and then suddenly the body pressed up against hers was yanked away, she saw a flash of blue before a fist flew and connected with Marius' cheek, Marius clutched his jaw staggering back.
"I don't really understand what they see in you...", came Enjolras' clipped cold voice, his whole body shaking with anger.
"Have you lost your mind", Marius half shouted trying to recover, his fists clinched tightly by his side.
"I should ask you the same thing, you're here messing around with your ex-girlfriend while your finance's ill", Enjolras spat out refusing to look at Eponine.
"Cosette's ill,..were you just with her" Marius asked, worry quickly turning into suspicion.
"Yes, I was with her, in her bed doing the things you should have been doing", Enjolras's said with a suggestive smirk, Marius suddenly surged forward as if to hit Enjolras but Eponine stepped in between them, arms raised protectively across Enjolras chest, Marius stopped within a millimeter of hitting her face, he reeled back in surprise.
"Ep-Eponine..", he stuttered in surprise retracting his fist.
"don't... please just go", she asked pleadingly Marius gazed into her eyes watching as they flickered nervously to Enjolras, he stumbled back as something clicked in his head, wordlessly he made his way out of the doors, Eponine dropped her arms and sighed before turning to meet those accusing blue eyes.
"Is that why you were in such a hurry to get back...because you had some sordid meeting with your ex-boyfriend", Enjolras sneered, his voice dripping with ice.
"You don't really think that I'm that kind of person... do you?", Eponine asked trying to keep her voice steady.
"what am I supposed to think...when you're being so easy" he replied callously, Eponine's bottom lip trembled her eyes flickering over his eyes searching for something.
"easy...you think I'm easy" Eponine said slowly, seeing the hurt in her eyes Enjolras faltered but ultimately the anger won out.
"with a role model like your mother...who could blame you", before he could gage her reaction he felt the sting as her hand collided with his face, slowly he turned back to trembling lips and pained eyes.
"do I have to cry tears of blood for you to understand how I feel about you...", a solitary tear trembled down Eponine's cheek as she abruptly turned and exited the bar Enjolras remained rooted on the spot, his heart beating rapidly his anger beginning to subside giving way to fear as what he'd done began weighing heavily on his chest, his legs were moving towards the exit before his brain could even comprehend what was going on. He stared down the street his eyes latching onto her silhouette in the distance, he ran towards her, grabbing onto her arm he swung her around, she yanked her arm out of his and tried walking away again he stepped into her personal space, his hands on her cheeks his head resting against her forehead.
"I'm sorry..I..I didn't meant it, I was angry, sorry, sorry, please don't be angry, don't leave me, I was wrong, I take it back so please don't hate me", he spoke hurriedly in a blind panic, Eponine took a deep breath, clutching at his shirt inhaling his scent gazing wearily into his nervous blue eyes.
"even if I wanted to hate you, I can't... I like you too much, so much that sometime it feels like I can't breathe, so can you even imagine how hurtful your words were...", she said in almost whisper. His hands fell away from her cheeks onto her shoulders as he gently pulled her into an embrace his lips pressing against her neck as he murmured against her skin.
"I'm going to ask you again, date me Eponine Thénardier even though I'm broken and twisted, even though I will probably hurt you even though I don't want to, I won't make promises of happy ever after but I'll try not to make you miserable, from now on I'll try to make my way to you, what's you're answer", he said pulling back to stare at her bewildered but sad eyes. He doesn't love you Eponine's brain rationalized he'll probably never love you, it offered he'll end up turning you into a pathetic tragic heroine, it's happening all over again you fool. Gently Eponine leaned forward her warm breath ghosting over his cool lips before she closed the final distance and softly pressed her lips against Enjolras' in a chaste, tender union, that only lasted a few seconds but it was worth it just for the look on Enjolras face as he stared down at her, his cerulean irises large and dilated, a gentle flush on his cheek, and his mouth a little agape with wonder and surprise.
"...that's my answer" was all she said with a gentle smile.