"What am I doing?" Kensi mumbled under her breath.
Thankfully, no one was around to witness the humiliating moment of her talking to herself.
With one hand holding Monty's leash and the other resting on her forehead she leaned her back on a tree and sighed.
She obviously had repressed feeling for that man. Feelings who had been building up inside her for God knew how long.
How could she have fallen for him? He is the exact opposite of what she always looked for in a man. Too spontaneous, too scruffy, too goofy, too laid back, too immature, too….
All of a sudden, it hit her that all those qualities she should hate about Deeks weren't necessarily appalling. On the contrary, they were quite appealing.
Underneath that rugged exterior was hiding a broken man. She could see it in his eyes. No jokes could ever cover the sound of a broken heart.
He had killed his own brother in order to protect her. He had chosen her over his own blood. There was no going back from that.
Deeks seemed to justify his lethal action but she could feel his pain. He could hide it from the others but strangely, he couldn't hide it from her.
One of the many weird things of amnesia she guessed. She didn't know him, but somehow deep inside she did.
That sentence didn't even make sense in her mind. But right now, who cared about the mind. It was malfunctioning anyway.
All that mattered was the whisper of her heart.
She loved how he made her feel safe.
She loved how she always smiled at the sight of him.
She loved how soothing the tone of his voice was.
She loved how he fidgeted his hair
She loved how he knew the most intimate details about her.
She loved how he would do anything just to see her happy.
She loved him!
Yes! She loved him.
Her eyes widened at the sudden realization and that shocking sensation seemed all too familiar. This wasn't the first time she had admitted it to herself.
She shook her head in denial trying to process the meaning of those feelings.
Did he feel the same?
Well, of course he did otherwise why would he flirt with her so damn obviously?
Then again, maybe whatever feelings he had for her died along with his brother. After all, she was a constant reminder of what he did.
No! He had the chance to shut her out of his life but he came back for her.
"Do you have any good tips on how to deal with your boss?" she petted the hairy mutt, who was more interested in the female poodle walking down the street than Kensi.
"No?" she chuckled "Am I overthinking this? Fine then. Whatever will be, will be," she straightened her body, took a deep breath and took the road back to Deek's apartment.
Within about five minutes she was back home standing at the front door of his house. She was about to knock on the door when she heard Deeks talking on the phone with a tone she had never heard before.
"With all due respect your daughter needs you right now. She was looking forward to spending her birthday with you and you choose a cruise over her? And on top of that, you don't even have the guts to tell her in person?"
Was that her mom on the phone? For a split second she hesitated but soon she placed her ear on the door and instantly felt ashamed for doing so.
"Listen, what Kensi really needs is you. If it wasn't for her accident she wouldn't even consider spending her birthday with me."
Yes, that was definitely her mom and by the sound of it, she was canceling their birthday plans.
How could she do that? She knew show much Kensi needed her and yet chose to abandon her on such an important day?
And for what? A cruise?
She could feel the tears forming in her eyes but tried her best to hold them back.
"She grew up that way because of you. How could she trust anyone when she couldn't even rely on her own mother? Did you even look for her after her father died? She was only fourteen, yet she made it her life's goal to find the killer of her father. And what did you do? You simply wrote her off of your life and started a new family. She never expected to be loved because you failed to love her enough."
And there it was, Martin Deeks in all his glory. Her partner apparently knew her all too well because that was exactly how she felt about her mother. Those words summed up her entire childhood.
Julia Blye had been absent from Kensi's entire life. She wasn't there to ease her pain when she mourned her father's death for months.
She wasn't there to take her inwhen life lost all meaning and she found herself living on the streets.
She wasn't there to share her joy when she met Jack.
She wasn't there to comfort her when he abandoned her.
Suddenly, she realized that none of her memories, sad or happy, never included her mother. She didn't need her back then, why would she need her now?
She did not hate her of course but didn't exactly love her either. She cared for her because no matter what, she remained her mother. Other than that, she was just a guest star in her life.
"She doesn't need to change anything, and if you don't appreciate her for the person she is, then she was better off without you. She is never going to be alone and I am never letting anyone hurt her. Not even you! Not while I'm around. I am never going to leave her side."
She heard Deeks slamming the phone on the couch taking a long angry deep breath.
Should she stay hidden, pretend like she had not heard this disturbing conversation or should she step forward and comfort her shaken partner?
Slowly, she opened the door careful not to scare him and took one step forward. That was when he turned around and face her.
His surprise was written all over his face.
"How long have you been standing there?" he cleared his throat.
"Long enough," she glanced at the tossed phone.
"I really wish you wouldn't have heard that," he shook his head with sad eyes.
"It's Ok Deeks. It doesn't matter anyway. I never wanted to spend my birthday with her," she folded her arms around her chest as if to protect herself.
It hurt him seeing his partner like that. Of course it mattered. Of course she was hurt and disappointed but she was Kensi freaking Blye. She would never show it.
Being rejected by your own parent was a feeling he knew all too well.
Abuse comes in many forms. He was familiar with the physical pain, but the phsycological was the one he always feared the most.
He should say something but he couldn't find the right words. Should he sympathize with her?
Bond with her while they share stories of their crappy childhoods?
No! After all, he was never a man of words. He was a man of actions.
So, he chose to slowly walk towards her never breaking eye contact until he was just a breath away from her.
He expected her to step back in defense, but to his surprise she didn't. Instead, she remained absolutely calm piercing him with her beautiful mismatching eyes.
He reached up and touched her face, his thumb drifting across her lower lip.
Kensi closed her eyes and covered his hand with hers.
One simple gesture, but yet so intimate.
His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest but he did not care. He slipped one arm around her neck and pulled her even closer.
Kensi finally opened her eyes and stared at the vast ocean of his eyes. The eyes that she had fallen in love with. He was warn and familiar and before she knew shw twined her left hand into his hair.
Suddenly, even the thick was not a barrier between their bodies.
He leaned forward to kiss her but stopped inches away as if he was waiting for her to stop him.
H looked into her eyes seeking for approval and he got it when her soft lips claimed him.
The soft, tender kiss soon deepened as Deeks slid his tongue inside her mouth claiming full dominance.
Her whole body was whimpering and her heart beat was out of control.
She wanted this. Full body and soul wanted this.
As she slid her hand around his waist to find the hem of his shirt, she felt his hands move on her hips.
This was wrong and right at the same time.
She should have been fighting the urge to kiss him but she could resist.
This is right her mind kept repeating as she allowed herself to be steered towards the bedroom.