The Smell of Cut Grass

Chapter Twenty Five :)

Brendan knew what he had to do, he knew that the only way Ste would forgive him was to come clean to Eileen and tell her the whole truth about their relationship. Ste had taken everything the wrong way though, the reason Brendan kept the truth hidden from Eileen was because he wanted a home for them. Sleeping rough in the club would do for a few nights, but Brendan wanted more for Ste than that. He wanted him to have somewhere where they could be together; somewhere where they could just be themselves, but Ste had just seen it as an excuse not to be honest about their relationship.

Brendan needed to explain, he tried to call Ste, but it went through to voice mail. He left him a message, begging him to come back to the club to sort things out, but Brendan already knew that it would be pointless. Ste was sulking and it would take more than a desperate message to make him come back. Brendan called again leaving another message saying how much he loved him and how sorry he was, he hoped that would at least make Ste feel better. After a few hours of waiting around Brendan reluctantly left the club and returned back to the house he once called home.

"Bren you're a bit early…the boys aren't even back from school yet."

"That's good Eileen; I need to speak to ye without them anyway."

"Look if this is about Mathew I've already told you I love him and I'm…"

"Stop right there Eileen. I don't care about ye and Mathew, in fact I'm happy for ye…truly I am."

"Then what is it Brendan?"

"You're not the only one who has fallen in love with somebody else."

"What! Who is it? How long has it been going on? Oh my god…you hardly ever come near me…it's been going on for years. How could you? How could you do this to me and the boys?"

"Stop Eileen for the love of god, let me explain will ye."

"Go on then Brendan…tell me exactly when our lives started to fall apart."

"I think you should sit down Eileen, you might need to after hearing what I've got to say."

Brendan watched as Eileen sat down, he could tell that she was nervous and I guess she had every right to be. After today everything would change and no matter how Brendan explained things, what he was about to tell her would destroy her and the years of marriage they had shared.

"So come on then Brendan…who is she?"

"Eileen you have to remember that none of this is your fault okay."

"Just tell me!"

"She is a he! Eileen."

Brendan heard the silence, in fact it deafened him. He wanted Eileen to speak, to shout…anything, but she just sat there and said nothing at all.

"Did ye hear what I said?"

Brendan waited for a reply, but nothing came.

"Eileen!"

Brendan sat next to her and put his arm around her, this was enough to bring her out of her shocked state and back to reality. Brendan soon felt the force of Eileen slapping him and with every slap she gave came a mouthful of abuse.

"You are disgusting. How could you do this to us you bastard? You make me sick. I wish I'd never laid eyes on you. Since when have you even been gay? "

"Look ye need to calm down okay?"

"Calm down Bren? How can I do that hey? You cheated on me with another man. Oh my god did you even use anything?"

Brendan wanted to tell her the truth, but how could he tell her everything. He had lost count on all the men he had fucked behind her back, to know everything would kill her and he wasn't prepared to hurt her like that. The truth about Ste was all she needed to know.

"I would never ever risk your life Eileen. Of course I used protection, what do ye take me for hey?"

"How long Bren? How long as this been going on?"

"Not long…a few months."

"So you woke up one morning and thought today I'm gonna bat for the other team did you?"

"I've known for ages, I just tried to fight it. I was brought up to believe being queer was wrong. I wanted to love ye so badly."

"Who is he?"

"What difference does it make who he is?

"I want to know…now who is he?"

"His name is Steven."

"Did you meet him at the club?"

"Eileen, why are ye doing this to yourself?"

"Because I want to know."

"I met him here."

"What in our home…how?"

"Remember the gardener?"

"Oh my god you have got to be kidding me. Is he even old enough?"

"Look I know this must hurt, but ye are not so innocent yourself."

"I looked elsewhere because you never gave me any attention…this is all your fault."

"I know and I'm sorry. I really am. Let's just see what the boys want to do when we tell them."

"Do you honestly think that I'm going to let them live with you? This subject is closed now; I'm not even going to tell them you're gay."

"Ye have no right to do that and anyway Deccie already knows."

"What! How? Oh my god this just gets worse. We are done talking. Now get out of my house…I don't want you anywhere near us."

"This is my home too."

"Not anymore Bren. I'm not going anywhere now."

"Eileen"

"Get out…now!"

Brendan stormed out of the house slamming the door as he went. He knew he had wronged Eileen, but he still wanted to be a good Da to his boys. He needed them to know the truth, he didn't want any more lies, but Eileen was too hurt right now, too embarrassed by the revelation that her husband was indeed a gay man. Brendan checked his phone, hoping that Ste had rung or left a message, but there was nothing. He needed to speak to him, needed to see his face to remind himself what all this hurt and pain was for. Brendan headed back to the club and waited for him to get in touch, only he didn't and as the time went on Brendan couldn't stop his paranoia from running wild.

The club was open for business and yet there was still no sigh of Ste. Brendan stayed in his office with a bottle of whisky, his fingers redialing Ste's number constantly in the hope that he would get tired of Brendan calling and answer. When he didn't Brendan couldn't help but think the worst, maybe he had gone back to Amy or maybe Brendan's dishonesty had drove him away for good. Either way Brendan needed him now, he needed to feel him in his arms and love him with all of his heart.

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