This had been one hell of a weekend.
First had come the confrontation with Brittany. Telling her that she loved Rachel too, watching Brittany become so upset over it, had drained most of Santana's ability to function. Then her abuela had insulted Quinn and Santana both right in front of Quinn. She had hung out with Quinn but become so uncomfortable with the girl's obvious guilt and pity she had made an excuse to leave. And then she had felt pressured into telling Rachel she loved her, over text, no less.
And now she was going to see Rachel. For the first time since Rachel's hanging out ban. Now that Rachel knew. At Rachel's request.
Santana had no idea what Rachel wanted or expected, or even what she herself did. She knew their typical pattern of behavior with each other with these encounters, and she knew that she was so tired of thinking and feeling and crying that she didn't think she had it in her to do it again today. But Rachel wanted her to come, and so she came. Standing outside her door, she waited for her to come after ringing the doorbell, trying to just not feel…anything.
Fat chance.
Rachel had no idea what she was doing anymore. Her fingers had just moved without her consent, and the next thing she knew she was asking- almost pleading- for Santana to come over.
It was one thing for Santana to say she loved her when completely drunk, but another thing entirely to say it sober… And to admit it to Brittany no less… Did- Did she actually mean that much to the Cheerio?
It seemed too hard to believe. So surreal and insane to be true.
But…
Swallowing thickly, drinking the tall glass of water she had gotten herself in only a few gulps to calm (or try to calm) herself down, Rachel nearly jumped and dropped the glass as the doorbell rang.
Scurrying to the door, she paused for a moment, heart beating wildly, taking a breath, then opened the door, stepping to the side a little to allow Santana inside.
Just looking at the taller girl made her stomach flip and chest tighten as the wind was nearly knocked from her lungs. Seeing Santana in the halls over the course of the school day earlier was one thing… But seeing her now, right in front of her, face looking tired but still so beautiful and real… It made her mouth dry, and her anxiously fisted the material of her skirt as she felt her palms get sweaty.
"H-Hi…" she finally spoke as she closed the door, voice more hoarse and quiet than she had meant it to be.
Her entire body was trembling, torn between running away, staying still, and throwing her arms around the girl mere feet from her.
Santana could see Rachel shaking. She didn't know if it was nerves or anger or what it was, but it was hard for her to look at. Hard for her to look at Rachel, period.
She had been avoiding looking at her in Glee and their other classes together, because if she was going to do what Rachel asked and separate from her, she couldn't let herself see her too much or she would have a harder time. Seeing her now after all this avoiding was hitting her in the face with her renewed understanding of how she felt towards her, how deeply she had missed her, and she had to drop her eyes briefly before she could look at her and feel somewhat controlled again.
"Hi," she said back, coming in after her. She didn't say anything else, waiting to see what Rachel would do. Subtly she wiped her palms over her legs, hoping Rachel didn't notice that her hands were sweating.
"I missed you," Rachel spoke, almost choking on the words. But God were they true… She could smell Santana's perfume, just a hint of it, and could swear that she could feel the woman's body heat. That was probably an exaggeration, but itfelt real.
At school, they were ghosts to each other. Didn't make eye contact, didn't speak to each other, didn't sit anywhere even close to the other. The closes they got was during Glee, in rehearsal. That was it. And even then she knew that, like herself, Santana kept the touches as quick and controlled as they could with the chirography.
Stepping a little closer, nerves wracking her body as she let out a shaky breath. "I- I know it's my fault… But… I…"
Rachel didn't know why Santana continued to be surprised by her speechlessness. It seemed that every time she was less than ten feet away from the cheerleader words just didn't know how to leave her throat. "I missed you… miss you a lot…"
Santana swallowed down the lump rising to choke her in her throat at Rachel's words, against smoothing her hands over her legs. This was the closest she'd been to Rachel for a week now, and she could barely stand it. She wanted to reach out and pull her close, to forget any efforts at words…
But she also wanted to turn and run out the door. Because Rachel knew how she felt now. And her being here was hurting Brittany, even if Brittany would never know.
She shouldn't say it. She should ask Rachel what she wants and why she's here. But it comes out all the same.
"I…I miss you too."
This time Rachel is positive that the air has been knocked right from lungs, and a strangled whimper is released from her constricted throat as she continued to fight whatever urge her body is having- to run or go closer.
Her mind is racing; she's thinking of herself, she's thinking of Santana, and she's thinking of Brittany. Brittany, who's done some damage herself to Rachel, but not quite in the painfully malicious way that Santana or Quinn managed. The tall, beautiful blonde dancer that should be the only to have Santana's heart, but somehow isn't. Is somehow having to share it will short, plain looking Rachel Berry.
She wonders if the girl cried like she did. She wondered if Brittany had the same thoughts; constantly wondering if she was being compared to Rachel in Santana's head.
But even as her heart squeezes achingly for Brittany, it's beating madly for Santana, and finally, she can't stop herself, and she breaks.
"I- I'm… I'm going to hug you now…" Rachel whispers, words and movements hesitant. She finally, slowly, closes the distant between her and the girl in front her, wraps her arms around her neck, and hugs her tightly, burying her face into the crook of Santana's neck and shoulder. The second they're touching, Santana's perfume and shampoo washing over her, all at once Rachel's body is relaxing and shivering, every sensation doubling in its intensity and yet, clicking. Everything feels like it's clicking into place, and she can't figure out how she ever went nearly four days without this.
It was exactly what she had wanted, exactly what she hadn't let herself think even to herself, not while she was standing there with it actually a possibility. For the first couple of days Santana had ached for Rachel to touch her again, even just to hold her hand or put a hand on her back. She had tried to make up for the loss of it through Brittany, and she always enjoyed touching Brittany, but it was Rachel in particular she had missed.
She had missed the way Rachel in particular felt in her arms, the way Rachel's eyes were so soft and her smile so wide when she looked at her, like she thought Santana was every bit as special as she thought she herself was. She had missed Rachel's voice, the same voice that had once annoyed the hell out of her. She had missed the way she moved and just…everything. She had missed her, and when Rachel puts her arms around her, her face in her shoulder, Santana feels something cracking in her heart. She gnaws the insides of her cheeks, feeling herself shiver as she closes her arms around Rachel, holding her back just as fiercely.
It feels right, somehow, to be here with her, to hug her and be held by her. How can it feel so right when she knows in her head it has to be wrong?
She realized, as Santana's hold tightened around her and Rachel was able to take a long, deep breath, why she felt more alive and aware now than she had in days.
Being with Santana, touching her, being near her at all, felt like breathing.
Or, perhaps, remembering how to breathe after one has a panic attack, or is over stressed, or scared.
This… This simple act of just hugging the taller girl was calming, and grounding, and somehow had become so important to helping her keep herself together that she wondered if this was the difference between loving yourself and… and perhaps loving another.
Rachel knew she could function without Santana. She knew that, given space and time, she'd move on, and eventually she'd be okay. She knew that.
But there was such this huge, unbelievable difference between functioning (surviving) and feeling alive.
And that's what Santana did, she knew. Santana made her feel alive. Whether it was by crying, screaming, or laughing, the girk brought out every single emotion inside of her, even when she didn't want her to.
All these thoughts clamored in her head, and yet she felt more at peace than she had for awhile. As she gripped the back of Santana's shirt tighter, Rachel let out a deep breath slowly, finally letting her body truly relax into Santana's hold.
It was strange, how it felt like they were already somehow communicating. They'd barely said a few sentences, yet just this hug made Rachel feel like Santana was telling her a thousand things. It would have been overwhelming, had it not been soright.
"I'm sorry…" she murmured into Santana's skin. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I just don't know what else to do." Her voice was still small, even a little scared. Not of Santana- she hadn't been truly scared of Santana for awhile, but of what the girl could say, how she might react. "All I know is that without things are okay, but with you things are better. Everything is just better. And my teddy bear can't hold me like you do."
Maybe she was saying too much, but Santana had already laid herself open.
Rachel wasn't going to hold back until Santana told her to stop.
Santana closed her eyes briefly, not releasing her hold, just breathing in Rachel's scent, soaking up the feel of her closeness and savoring every moment. Her shaking lessened, than stopped as she relaxed against her, noticing that it happened to occur about the same time that she felt Rachel relax too. The fierceness of her hold of the girl softened, becoming a more gentle, leaning embrace instead of a clutching grip, and she slowly kneaded her thumb between Rachel's shoulder blades.
It was an automatic gesture, the very instinctiveness of it somewhat surprising. Rachel was talking, and Santana tried to pull her thoughts together into something coherent enough to listen, to hold back feelings enough to let logic try its hand in controlling her.
Something about her holding better than a teddy bear- a typically Rachel comment, one Santana would normally roll her eyes at, but that brought a small smile to her lips. She missed even her dorky analogies.
She knew Rachel missed her, even wanted her. And god she missed her. But one thing preyed on her thoughts, something she had not heard from her. Something she needed to know.
She knew Brittany loved her. She loved Brittany, and Brittany loved her, and the equation should be simple and end right there.
But she knew now, understood more fully now, in Rachel's arms, than she'd wanted to even to tell herself, that she loved Rachel. What she didn't know was if Rachel loved her.
Missing her, wanting her, feeling hurt because Santana hadn't chosen her, wasn't the same as loving her. And if Santana had to make a choice…could she even consider choosing someone who didn't?
"Rachel," she said softly, into her shoulder, and then with a deep inhalation, she lifted her face, looking her in the eye and pulling back slightly. She bit her lower lip unconsciously before steeling herself to continue. "I need to know…if you love me."
The words felt stupid and weak in her mouth, like she was leaving herself naked and small and entirely open to hurt in front of her. But she had to know.
The moment the question left Santana's mouth, all of Rachel's fears came rushing back. She looked down, body going tense and eyes slamming shut to keep her tears back. This was it. This was where she lost her chance with Santana for good.
But she needed to be honest. Santana deserved all her honesty, because the girl had been so openly honest with her.
Breathing out slowly, opening her eyes but looking down at the floor, Rachel tried to think of how to say what she needed, and in the end, did the only thing she knew how in these situations- she rambled.
"I…" she swallowed thickly, "I haven't let myself." Taking a small step back, feeling more exposed than ever, Rachel wrapped her arms around herself and continued. "I've been so scared, so terrified, that I haven't let myself let it happen. N-not… Not- I mean. I mean, I could. I could fall in love with you so easily. I think I do a little more every day, no matter how hard I try to stop it. B-but to say it… You- you and Brittany are so much more brave than I am." Her arms tightened, and she knew she was going to cry, she could feel it.
"I keep waiting for the ball to drop," Rachel went on, voice already getting thick. "Because what happens if I say those words, and you choose Brittany- again? Or I say them, and you realize that in another month or so, I'm too high maintenance?" It was so stupid, she knew. Here was Santana, openly willing to say that she loved Rachel the same way she loved Brittany, despite only knowing the smaller girl for real for all of a month or so, and yet Rachel was too scared to do the same.
Tears slowly beginning to escape the corners of her eyes, Rachel shook her head, wiping at them fiercely. "I- I guess I just… I could love you, Santana Lopez. If I let myself. If given a real chance. I could- I could take that step, and say the words. But right now…," another harsh, audible swallow, "Right now I'm not brave enough. I'm scared. I'm scared that if I jump, I'll just end up crashing, and breaking."
Rachel was quiet then, internally cursing herself over and over again for being so cautious, for not wanting a repeat of the Finn fiasco, for just not being brave enough to take the chance.
But how could she, when during the whole time she had been with Santana she had always known that, eventually, the girl would leave her for Brittany? And Santanahad left, had chosen the blonde. But then… Then she had come back, in a way… And Rachel didn't know what to do with that. She didn't understand the idea of someone coming back like that, for her.
"I'm sorry I can't be as brave as you yet," she whispered, finally looking up at Santana, steeling herself for the worst.
Santana bit her lip, pulling back from Rachel enough to be able to look at her more fully, needing to separate herself physically to try to get herself together emotionally. It was hard to listen to the emotion in her voice, to see her tears and hear how Rachel was afraid- afraid of HER, of what she might do to her. It was hard to see that she was in such turmoil over something that should be simple and freeing and beautiful, instead of confusing and painful and scary as it had been so far.
She could understand that Rachel was hesitant, after how she had been with her. It made perfect sense. Hell, if she were Rachel, why would she ever trust or want to be with Santana?
But it still hurt to hear her basically tell her that she either didn't or couldn't love her, or that if she did, she couldn't say it out loud. It felt like a hand squeezing tight around her heart, a weight pressing against her lungs, and Santana nodded, blinking back tears of her own as she tried to accept it.
The choice should be obvious then. Rachel was too afraid to love her. Brittany loved her right here, right now. Clearly Brittany was the one she should choose.
Then why did the prospect of walking away now make her really have to struggle not to cry?
Taking a shuddering breath, heart squeezing, Rachel decided that if she stopped talking now, she'd never have the chance to get the words out again. "It's…" she took a moment to breathe, then went on.
"This… This is what I do know, Santana," she started. "I know that when I see you in the halls, even when it's with Brittany, my heart flutters and skips a beat, and I forget to breathe. When I wasn't letting myself near you, I felt like I was gutting myself, and no matter how many blankets I wrapped myself in they weren't as warm as being held by you. Talking to you makes my whole day. I never realize how anxious I am to hear your voice until I do, and then it's the best music in the world."
Rachel's heart had started to speed up again, but she couldn't keep her eyes off Santana this time, even if the tears wouldn't stop and her body kept shaking with raw emotion. "When you hold my hand, I just… Everything feels okay again. I feel stronger. Like I could get slushied a hundred times and as long as you were there to hold my hand it wouldn't matter. And… when I kiss you…" she swallowed, "When I kiss you, it feels like breathing. Like I'm remembering how to breathe after almost drowning."
Wiping away strays tears, taking a deep breath, Rachel let her arms fall to her sides. "I know that I care about you more than I can bear sometimes, and that when I see you upset or hurting it hurts me, too. And… And that I'd rather fall asleep with you as friends, even if it kills me inside, than to never know how that feels again."
She bit her lip, and let out a rush of air. "So… So maybe I can't say the words… Not yet… But… I think- no. I know I feel them, every day, all the time, and it's scary, and I'm terrified, but I don't want it to stop. I wouldn't even know how to stop it anymore."
What Rachel had told her…it was something Santana could never have imagined hearing about herself, could never have imagined someone capable of feeling towards her. For her to mean so much to someone, to affect them so deeply…it seemed incredible to her, impossible. Especially someone like Rachel, who was obviously a much better person, Rachel who she had never deserved. Rachel, who a small part of her had always been jealous of, for being so talented, so smart, and so very certain of who she was.
For Rachel to feel that way about HER…to say those things, and mean them as only Rachel could…how could she handle knowing that and still walk away?
And yet how could she walk away from Brittany, the only person who had ever told her in plain words that she loved her and meant it?
A few tears spilled over, and Santana wiped them hastily, sucking in several shallow breaths in an effort to compose herself. She didn't know what to say, what to do or what to think. Wiping at her eyes again, she just reached out, almost blindly, and grasped for Rachel's hand.
Rachel didn't hesitate to take Santana's hand between both of hers, bringing the knuckles up to her lips to kiss them softly, like she had so many times before this. She held the hand tightly, resting her forehead against them for a moment to compose herself, taking deep breaths in and out, determined not to make this another sob fest no matter how much she wanted to let loose.
She just felt everything too intensely when it came to Santana, she decided. For better of for worse, but she couldn't bring herself to give it up yet.
Finally, when Rachel was sure that she wouldn't burst out crying just by looking at the taller girl, she let out a deep sigh, and did so, keeping her small hands around Santana's. "Whatever happens, Santana… Whatever you choose, I'm not going anywhere, okay? I might need a little space, I might need some time, but I'm not leaving, or going to disappear. Not unless you want me to. You were friend before I fell for you, and that won't change."
Stepping in a little closer, squeezing the hand in hers softly, she shrugged. "I know I'm not very brave, but I am strong. So I'll say it again; as long as you're happy, I can be happy, too. Whether it's with me, Brittany, or whoever else."
Santana nodded, not yet trusting herself to speak. She squeezed Rachel's hand back, needing to physically anchor herself to the other girl as added reassurance to herself that she was indeed not going anywhere. But Rachel's words were comforting as well.
Rachel wouldn't leave her totally, even if she did choose Brittany. Rachel would still be her friend. And even though she still hadn't spelled it out right, she had said she had fallen for her. And that meant she loved her, didn't it?
"I want you to be happy too," she managed after a few moments. Then, "You are brave. Maybe not like some people. But…you are. You just are. More than anyone. The way you are, and…the way you live…you are, Rachel."
Chuckling despite herself, unsure how to answer that, Rachel just squeezed Santana's hand again. "Thank you, Santana. You're a really good person. You are. And… And if nothing else, I am happy that I got to see this side of you. I'm happy we're friends. And if that's all we ever are, I'll still be happy. I promise, okay?"
As though to solidify her point, Rachel tugged on Santana's hand, then let it go, wrapping her arms around the taller girl's neck once again in a tight, firm hug. She breathed deeply, letting herself soak up the feeling for all it was worth, before drawing back just enough to look at Santana's face.
Then, rising up on her toes a bit. she kissed Santana's cheek and tucked some stray strands of hair behind her ear, smiling softly and shaking her head. "Though I'm not sure I'll ever get used to looking at you," she admitted quietly. "It's unreal how beautiful you are all the time. Even when you wake up cranky and complain about how cold I am."
Good person was stretching it to the breaking point, if you asked Santana, if describing herself, but she didn't argue. Instead she accepted Rachel's hug, tightening her arms around her just as firmly, and drew away only reluctantly when Rachel pulled back. Waiting to see what she was doing, she was surprised by her kiss and smiled slightly, her lips remaining faintly curved upward as the girl went on.
"I'm not cranky…and you are cold. You're a friggin icicle. You gotta wear some socks or something," she replied, her tone somewhat teasing. "I don't know how you're so hot in the day and so cold at night."
Realizing that could be a double meaning, she laughed a little, shaking her head, then reached out, lightly tracing Rachel's nose to the tip.
"You're crazy. But…you're always like that. Not crazy….well, actually that too. But…you're kind of beautiful in a really…different, you way. Like…it works for you even though it wouldn't for most people, and even if you try to mess it up with your clothes. That's what throws people off. That, and the way you bop around being a loudmouthed type A personality who bosses everyone around," she couldn't resist adding. "But…you're still beautiful. I guess we all sort of miss it."
Smiling a little stronger, Rachel raised her eyebrow. "You are cranky. And I theorize that the only reason my body cools off so much is because your temperature increases. It's utterly ridiculous how hot you get under the covers—and you know what I mean so don't even dare make that dirty. My point is, it's your fault."
Then, grinning, she looked down shyly as her face went red, and she took a moment to absorb the rest of the girl's words. Finally, biting her lip and internally rolling her eyes at the words she was about to say, she spoke,
"And… Gosh I can't believe I'm going to say this… I'm okay with no one noticing me up until now, because you did, you do, and you're the only one I really care about when it comes to that." Then, as though to lessen the sheer corniness of it all, she added. "I mean except for directors or agents or something, of course. But that's neither here nor now so…"
She was positive her face had gotten more red, but Rachel already knew it was impossible to keep her mouth shut when she was this close to Santana.
"Anyone would want to kill someone who wakes up singing and dancing at five am, that's not cranky, that's just called sane," Santana shot back, now smiling more fully in spite of the banter. "And how the hell does that make sense? If I'm hot you should be hot…and you know I'm not letting that lay, Ridiculously hot, huh? Less clothes on the hotter I get, it's a simple mathmatical equation."
She became more serious though at Rachel's final words, her smile softening. It was difficult then not to step forward to kiss her on the lips rather than the cheek or forehead or hand, and so she just smiled, telling herself to stay put even as she itched to move forward.
"If I did your hair and makeup and clothes, people would be blown away. You should let me some time."
Choosing to ignore the first part, because Santana would only make it more dirty and she was already blushing, Rachel just shrugged. "What would be the point?" she asked. "The only one I'd want to impress is you." She slid her hands down Santana's arms and took her hands again, swinging them idly in between them.
"Besides, then I'd have to deal with all the jocks leering at me, and as interesting as it would be see how you react to that, I know I get enough looks from my skirts. I don't need them staring at my chest, too." Then she smirked, raising her brow again. "Unless that's your actual plan here. Admit it, you want to dress me up for your own benefit, not mine or the McKinley population's."
It was nice to be able to banter like this, more lightheartedly. There was always the shadow of "but what about…?", but Rachel refused to let her head go there.
She had missed Santana, and being able to talk back and forth like this. It would end soon enough, but it didn't have to be now.
Santana looked down at her hands, now held in Rachel's and swinging back and forth like a little kid's, somewhat bemused, but allowing her to do it, not actually minding, silly as it looked. She smirked back at Rachel, mirroring her expression as she continued to tease, but she was partly serious as well.
"You got me. Now that you've got my number I can forget about just putting you in sexy clothes and hang you a friggin negligee. Sounds pretty hot."
She doubted Rachel had one, but she was sure she could whip up something to suit her purposes if the girl took her seriously. Santana was a spontaneous girl.
She actually snorted at that, rolling her eyes hard. "You're completely incorrigible, Santana Lopez. You'd probably take me shopping just so that you stare at me in clothing or lingerie."
Deciding that they had been standing in the entryway far too long, Santana slowly began pulling Santana along with her into the living room. "Though I suppose I'm curious now. How would you manage to keep your hands off, hm? And maybe you shouldn't be giving me ideas. I might just have a talk with Kurt, and the next thing you know I'll be strutting down the halls in a little black dress, chest pushed out and wearing three inch heels. I'm told heels make my legs look fantastic."
Rachel stopped moving then, right in front of the couch, then sat down, still keeping her hands in Santana's and looking up at her, waiting for her to sit if she chose to. "Frankly, Santana, I'm not sure you could handle me." She words and the shrug that followed them were casual, but the blush spreading down her neck was anything but.
Santana had to admit the idea had crossed her mind, and she didn't think it was a bad one at all. She maintained her smirk as she let Rachel lead her into the living room, picturing this in her head. She had yet to see Rachel unclothed, at least outside of Glee practices, which hardly counted when she couldn't look at her in more than a glance or two.
Rachel's description of herself in such an outfit was an interesting one, and Santana nodded, her eyes lighting up at the image forming in her head. She was still teasing, but half meaning it took as she replied, "Now why would I try to keep my hands off, exactly? By the way, three inch heels would just make you an approximately normal height so no point in that…and as for handling you?"
She let her voice drop, releasing Rachel's hands, and walked her fingers slowly up her arm and across her collar bone, looking her in the eye as she dropped her voice's volume and pitch. "I don't think you could handle ME if I saw you like that."
"Normal height or not, my legs would still look incredible," she shot back, throat going dry as she felt fingers burn a trail up her arm and across her clavicles.
"And who says I'd let you touch?" she asked, voice getting breathier all on its own. "Maybe I'd just want to torture you like that." Eyes fluttering, Rachel didn't even believe herself. It didn't take much for Santana to have her melting; a look, the right tone of voice, and Rachel was pretty much putty in her hands.
She wasn't sure how it was possible for someone to have so much power over her in that way (certainly no one else had ever come close), but she couldn't pretend it wasn't intoxicating.
Licking her lips unconsciously, meeting Santana's eyes. "Maybe I could make you beg, even. Have you say please before I let you touch me?" Rachel also wasn't sure when her voice had gotten that certain, challenging husk to it, but it had, and she could swear she felt her eyes darken.
"Hm, are you sure about that? You'll have to demonstrate…prove it…and there's gotta be less clothes on them for me to see for sure," Santana deadpanned, even as she stepped closer, lifting one foot to lightly rub against Rachel's ankle.
She swallowed, her skin warming, beginning to tingle slowly even without yet being touched back by the girl, just hearing her talk like that, in that deeper, sexier voice she had never heard from her before. If Rachel started talking like that every day, Santana wouldn't be able to control herself and she would have no choice to make at all.
Even as the thought flitted through her head she tried to push it away. This was about now, not later, not a choice. This was just…now. Right now.
"I can make you beg," she whispered, dropping her voice as low and deep as Rachel's as she continued to stroke her fingers over her collarbone, up her throat, and then across her lips. She paused them on her lips, taking a step closer, but didn't progress further. Yet.
A shiver running up her spine, Rachel continued to look up at Santana from where she sat on the couch, eyes flitting to the girl's chest for a moment before going back to her eyes, and, unconsciously, her lips parted a little, lightly sucking on Santana's finger as her breathing became more shallow.
She almost nodded, feeling dazed as that last sentence echoed in her head, Santana's smokey tone and dark eyes shooting straight through her. Heat went straight to her core, and Rachel already knew that the blush that had been down her neck was making its way down past her neckline.
Instead, she swallowed thickly, trying to get back some of her control.
"Pretty confident for someone who's only done it once…" she forced out, tone a lot stronger than she felt. She was so glad she had already been sitting, otherwise her knees might have given out on her the moment the words "make you beg" had left Santana's mouth.
But it immediately made her thoughts go back to that night Santana had kept her up till nearly 5am, driving her into multiple climaxes, in waves upon waves without ever going under her underwear, until she had been nothing but a shaking mess of pleasure and had passed out. It made her thighs clench, and Rachel wasn't even ashamed to admit that since that night she had definitely been wondering exactly what Santana could do if Rachel let her really touch…
But she had definitely been begging that night. For more, for less, for Santana to stop (when she felt too sensitive), only for her to demand the girl never stop (when Santana knew to push her past the sensitivity and back into the pleasure).
Santana wouldn't have thought she could get erotic pleasure out of someone sucking her finger, but apparently anything was possible in that department with Rachel Berry. She swallowed, trying to maintain full composure, to keep Rachel from seeing that she was all affected as she shifted closer to her, watching her reaction to her words. Rachel was flushing, almost squirming, and even as she challenged her back, Santana knew she had hit her mark.
"I'm sure an encore would keep up my rep," she murmurred, deliberately keeping her voice pitched low as she shifted still closer, letting her knee come into contact with Rachel's leg. The hand on Rachel's lip drifted over her cheek, tucking hair behind her ear, and then down her throat again, stopping over her chest and pressing flat, to feel her heartbeat. "Your body is already begging without you saying a word."
Rachel breathed in sharply, body betraying her further as her heart seemed to try to hammer its way right out of her chest at the contact of Santana's hand.
This wasn't okay. What about Brittany? Were they still dating? On break? Broken up until a decision was made? She couldn't just help Santana cheat, but- but-
Shuddering, closing her eyes and breathing out slowly, Rachel whimpered as she forced herself to move away from Santana, shifting to the side on the couch more and out of the girl's reach. Her body was already missing the contact, and there wasn't a single part of her that didn't just want to lay herself out and practically say please.
But she couldn't. Not when there was still Brittany to think about it.
And oh how she hated her conscious in that moment.
"We- We should cool down," she stuttered, looking at Santana with still dark eyes and flushed skin. "I- I'm s-sorry. I shouldn't- I should know better. I mean- I shouldn't have- I want to but-" Her words were all over the place, and she had to cross her legs because she had definitely been getting really aroused and it was ridiculous. "Two more seconds and I would have been stripping for you and that's probably not the right thing to do right now," she finally rushed out, then nearly smacked her forehead in embarrassment.
When exactly did her brain disconnect from her mouth so badly?
On one hand, Santana felt rather pleased with herself that she obviously affected Rachel so much, that a few words and light touches, and the girl was reduced to almost panting. She was more than a little disappointed when Rachel pulled away, starting to babble something about not doing this, and wanted to start forward, pull her to her feet, and start from the top.
But…she was right. Rachel was the one being responsible about this, and it was wrong. She was supposed to be making decisions. She was supposed to be thinking about Rachel and Brittany both, and here she was again, pushing it aside AGAIN, teasing Rachel and hurting Brittany. She really did suck.
Brittany's tearful face came to her mind, and she backed away, hugging her elbows against herself as her mood quickly became more sober. Looking down, she nodded, dropping all seductiveness. "Sorry. I'll…that wasn't fair."
Standing up, gently removing Santana's arms from around herself and taking her hands, she offered a reassuring smile. "It's my fault, too. I wasn't exactly putting up any real fight."
Sighing a little, Rachel mentally shook off the residual affects of the teasing, and straightened up a little. "Right then. Would you like to stay and watch a movie with me? Or would you prefer to leave? I'll understand if you'd like to go, especially with what just happened, but I'm asking anyway."
Her fathers still wouldn't be home for awhile, both working rather late, and she really had missed spending time with Santana- awkwardness aside. But she would also definitely understand if the Latina wanted to leave. After all, they had essentially been a few seconds away from… something, and with everything going on they definitely need to keep some space between them, so to speak.
And then… "…Have you… been eating? And um… keeping…it?" she asked slowly. Rachel had been wondering if she should bring it up, but she supposed it was best to do so while Santana was in front of her.
Santana gave her a small smile when Rachel took her hands, not pulling them away, though she felt at first as though she should, to try to keep herself in check if nothing else. Still, it was still nice to have some kind of contact with her, so she let Rachel hold her hands, at least for a few moments.
"I want to stay," she said after a few moments' though, repeating to herself with some determination that she was not, NOT going to do anything other than watch the movie. Maybe some light cuddling- maybe. That was all. Friends. Friends friends friends FRIENDS….they do that. Right?
Okay she and Quinn didn't do that. But Quinn was kind of a bitch and so was Santana so…
As they started towards the living room, Rachel just had to make things weird though, asking about her eating and "keeping" it. Santana was tempted to just nod and brush her off, but she knew the girl would see through it and pester her more, maybe even start lecturing about lying and honesty on top of the health lecture she already was going to have to suffer through. Keeping her face averted, she shrugged, brushing it off as quickly as she could.
"I ate with Quinn at Breadstix yesterday."
Which totally did not answer the question whatsoever, giving a single example of eating without actually clarifying whether she "kept it.". But maybe that would satisfy her.
Nodding, biting her lip a little, Rachel decided to not push much further, except for, "Alright. I'm glad you two are getting a long again, sort of. Would you like a small snack now?" At least, she decided, she could keep offering Santana food whenever it was appropriate. At this point she didn't feel like the girl would run away from her if Rachel brought it up, and she definitely couldn't keep her mouth shut completely now.
"Dad made Chicken Alfredo. It was for himself, but there's a lot of extra and he wouldn't mind you having a little if you'd like. Also, what movie would you like?" she continued to speak, finally letting go of Santana's hands, keeping her smile in place.
She felt better than she had for awhile, even with the hiccup that was her mentioning Santana's eating.
Rachel really thought she was smooth, didn't she? Like Santana wouldn't notice that if she didn't outright lecture, she had still managed to plug in "eat something" seemingly casually into their interaction. It was sort of sweet in a way, that she was trying to be understanding while still worrying, but that didn't mean Santana was oblivious.
Santana considered seriously saying yes for a few moments. She did love chicken alfredo. But it had that creamy sauce stuff to think about, and if she started getting antsy worrying about it with Rachel, it would be embarrassing if she had to jump up and do something about it. Then Rachel would really be all over her and just no.
It was true that she had never deliberately made herself vomit when she was around Rachel, that she had never even really thought about it while with her unless she was already upset and crying. But she didn't want to take the chance.
"Nope, not hungry," she said as breezily as she could manage. "Uh, you seen Repo the Genetic opera?"
It was an opera, sure to intrigue Rachel…but also freaking gory. And half naked dancing girls was a plus too.
Just nodding, already thinking of ways she could maybe offer Santana a lighter snack later, Rachel almost didn't catch what Santana had said in return about the movie, but when she did she froze, stared at the girl for a moment, then, slowly, her smile turned into an excited, wide-eyed grin.
"Oh… my… God… I love that movie!" She hands clapped together excitedly, and she actually started to bounce on her feet a little. "Anthony Stewart isincredible! And Alexa Vega? I admit that I was definitely surprised given her previous roles in the Spy Kids movies and never expected she could sing in such a way but- Oh goodness let me get my dvd! I'll be right back!"
With another squeal of excitement she quickly hugged Santana, then practically ran up the stairs to her room to grab the movie.
Santana blinked, more than a little startled by the enthusiasm of Rachel's reaction. For one thing, she hadn't expected the girl to have seen it, but then, it had opera in the title, after all, and this was Rachel. But then for her to not only get through it in one piece but to LOVE it? Totally bizarre.
She laughed as Rachel hugged her and skipped off, teasing when she returned, "I thought you couldn't stand blood and guts and gore. I have totally corrupted you beyond all return. No, I know what it is, you just have a thing for Paris." Imitating the breathy voice of the woman, she started to sway her hips back and forth, arms over her head, imitating her sexy gyration. "Grave robberrrr….I can't feel nothin' at all…."
Rachel paused for a moment, about to answer until Santana began… well…moving, and her brain fried for a couple of seconds as her eyes zeroed in on the girl's hips and she swallowed thickly, face flushing just from the tone Santana was using…
Physically shaking her head and clearing her throat, Rachel replied. "For one, I don't like meaningless gore— this has a point. And honestly is so overly done that it's hard to take it too seriously. Though I do look away at some parts," she said, voice still a little strained as she put the movie in and turned the TV on. "Secondly, the singing is fantastic, the story is absolutely heartbreaking, AND, sweetie, I hate to say it but 90% of Broadway will crush your spirit if you let it. There aren't many happy endings in theatre. Usually everyone dies tragically."
Skipping to the couch, grabbing a blanket, she plopped down after wrapping it around her and opened up part of it in offer to Santana. "I'm mostly here for Anthony Stewart's voice and acting. And for the music and plot. Though Paris Hilton is half-way almost decent. Not to mention the role suits her, considering she's actually made of plastic in real life as well."
"It does not have a point!" Santana laughs, actually distracted from her dancing to argue. "It's completely over the top and lame but awesome gore. Like most horror. You're just weird, Berry. And my spirit? Pretty crush free."
So maybe that wasn't the most truthful wording considering that she actually had two "crushes" currently that were pretty damn painful. But whatever.
She hadn't failed to notice Rachel calling her sweetie, for the third or fourth time now that she could remember. It was weird, but she sort of liked it. It was spunky in a weird way, almost with an edge, the way it sounded in Rachel's different from how Brittany said it, the only other person who had ever used the term with her.
She wasn't thinking about Brittany, though.
"Yeah Anthony's alright for an old guy," Santana agreed, joining Rachel on the couch and wrapping the blanket around herself, automatically settling in close. It was something that would have once been totally weird but now just seemed expected. Why would they sit on a couch and not sit close? "I liked him in Buffy. You seen that? They had one musical episode. I was always into Faith."
Not to mention the obvious lesbian subtext between Faith and Buffy. Not to mention the later lesbianism of Willow, Tara, and Kennedy, who was also quite hot herself.
Scooting in a little to rest against Santana's body, head on her shoulder, Rachel rolled her eyes again. "No. There is a point to the gore. He's a repoman. It's his job. And it's his job because of Rotti and how his wife died. So there." Smiling, easily relaxing into Santana's side, she shrugged at the mention of Buffy.
"I admit, I could never quite get into it. I enjoy it, but I was always sort of a Charmed fan myself. From what I did watch, though, Buffy was rather well-written and a good female character. Faith… I don't know. Maybe if I watched it now I could appreciate her more." It didn't help that parts of Faith's personality had reminded her of the Latina next to her that used to bully her…
"Anyway, movie time now. Also, when I sing, you can't get mad. At all. You chose this movie, after all." Smiling brightly, tucking her legs under her, Rachel sighed in contentment as the open sequence finally ended and the movie truly began.
"Yeah, they gotta make up a story to explain it, but it still doesn't mean anything. They just like gore," Santana continued to argue, wrapping her arm around Rachel's waist automatically and leaning her head against Rachel's. "Gore and dancing half naked girls. My kind of movie."
"Charmed…eh, that Phoebe girl was kind of hot, but the show was lame and goody two shoes, no edge to it," she shrugged, then grinned. "Figures you'd go for it, Berry. You gotta watch Buffy,that's next on our list. Come on, you can't watch the Faith episodes, especially on Angel, and not like her or there's something wrong with you."
Of course, though she wouldn't say so, she rather strongly identified with Faith- a bullying bad girl who fought her way back to redemption, who clearly wasn't exactly straight, who was known as a skank and bitch and who never quite seemed to get close to anyone, no matter how much she secretly wanted it. A girl who made mistakes, serious ones, but was still seen as talented and worthy in the end.
A girl like Santana. A girl she could be, one day. Maybe.
Settling against Rachel, Santana watched the movie, truly relaxing for the first time in days.
Dear "guest": Nope, sorry. I am not taking this out of the Brittana tag- which, by the way, I didn't tag this as anything, I simply indicated that both Santana and Brittany are in this story, which they are- and not only because of your repeated rudeness in your anonymous reviews. Again- as your six messages to me finally warrant me to respond- I did not tag this as anything. I simply listed the main characters in the story's properties. I also indicated in the story's description that it was a Pezberry with SOME Brittana. Some. As in not the entire story, not the entire focus, briefly. Therefore, telling me off for this being a Pezberry indicates you do not know how to properly read. Also, telling me that "no one wants to read this crappy story" is obviously false given the number of follows and reviews. You, however, do not have to read it. I invite you simply not to read a Pezberry story if you do not like Pezberry.
And your comment about my "story being shit" and your comment that I'm a c*** who should kill myself? You're obviously a. a coward, since you won't log in under your own name where I could report you for breaking site rules b. unaware of my 79 followers c. a complete moron under the delusion that they are clever, witty, or hurtful. Blow up my reviews all you want, you will get no other response from me.
To all you other reviewers, thank you very much, your comments are appreciated. To the few who have commented on the confusing format, I do apologize but as it was cowritten this is the style it was written in.