Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

by Sariniste

Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.

25. Byakuya Kuchiki

Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

Chapter 25 – Byakuya Kuchiki

A/N: By request of lilyrosa143, Guest, myangel16, BleachIchi15, Leukonoe, Archontruth, RedRumYaoi, Innocent Freak, TruthsLies, sassisan, smylealong, asia411, sbdrag, HikaKiti, Element's Sole Protector, Flare-Flare, Morgana Card, HibiscusAngel15, Soul Crisis, absoluteotaku, Cerice Belle, robin aries, TheAmaryllisBlossom, Kuchiki-koo, kenblaze, aeva elementia, willam and jack and jake, and Spider ShadowHeart—thanks for your requests and ideas!

Special thanks to Rocka NGW for ideas used in this letter.

Warning: Spoilers in this chapter if you haven't read manga chapter 502.

(Originally posted 8/10/12.)

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Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,

It is time to address some of the improper and repellent claims on your website concerning certain members of the noble clans of the Seireitei.

First, let me assure you that the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. It is beneath the dignity of a noble of the Kuchiki clan to die. People with our degree of wealth and status never pass away. I never travel without my personal coterie of healers who can resurrect me instantly in the event of injury.

As to your so-called 'pairings':

I do not sleep with my sister. It is irrelevant that she is adopted or that she resembles my wife Hisana.

I would never make Lieutenant Abarai pregnant. Indeed, aren't you aware that studies show that most couples are roughly equal in intelligence?

And seriously, Ichigo Kurosaki? The boy needs to learn the meaning of respect and the proper way to address his betters. There is no way he would ever be accepted into a liaison with a noble. That includes my sister.

Indeed, it is all quite undignified and unbecoming.

Not that I would honor your plebeian site by perusing it, but its major problem is that the Seaweed Ambassador does not have its own page of fanfiction. It is not even listed in the character dropdown. Shameful.

If you ask how I know all this when reading your site is beneath me? Nobles of the Kuchiki clan don't read websites. We have people for that.

And why is the Secret Mobile Corps sniffing around the Kuchiki Manor, threatening to arrest me for 'illegal downloads of contraband material' from your site? Could it have something to do with the unauthorized Shinigami Women's Association broadband link I recently discovered on my property and annihilated with Senbonzakura?

If you are in any way involved with that, expect a call from my team of solicitors shortly.

Sincerely,

Byakuya Kuchiki

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A/N: Yes, I know that underneath he's not so haughty. But don't you think he would sound this way in his first letter to strangers? Kubo, please don't kill off one of your best characters! *sobs*

Thanks to everyone for all your awesome reviews and comments! Yes, I do respond to all signed reviews, although sometimes it may take me a few days, especially lately, since my wrists have been hurting. I read every single review, sometimes multiple times, and I find they often inspire me to write. I love all comments, short or long, positive or negative; they are all helpful to me in some way. You can also review anonymously, but if you wish a response, please leave some way for me to contact you in your comment.