Disclaimer: There will be no disclaimer for this, the second most important chapter of Praguenball Z (the popular Travel Channel series about Goku's tour of the Czech Republic that is not affiliated with nedthejanitor) Jeopardy.
THIS… IS… FUCKING… JEOPARDY BITCHES!
"Welcome to fucking Jeopardy, bitches and mitches," Justin said as he adjusted his cheap-fuck sunglasses with his hand just barely poking out through the sleeve of his oversized leather jacket. "'Bitches and mitches' is my cool guy version of 'ladies and gentlemen.' The reason coolness is emphasized even more so than usual today is because this is a very special episode celebrating the halfway mark of this great show!"
Justin received a tepid smattering of applause. And by tepid smattering, I mean some camera guy clapped a little. "Thank you, enjoy your pay raise. Anyway, you viewers in the audience may have noticed by now the difference between a typical game on this show and the game you're looking at right now. Viewers at home can't see that right now. What do you think of that, viewers at home? That's what you get for the hate mail. Fuck you."
The viewership at home was barely at all offended, partially because there were almost none of them left and the ones who were still watching were already so masochistic that they had jumper cables on their nipples hooked up to a battery programmed to shock them every time Justin said a cuss. But, let's save that for the podcast.
"So, after that derail, let's introduce the teams! First up, we have our first three returning champions: Dr. Gero, South Kai and Gohan. These three make up Team Saiyaman!"
"Don't blame us," grumbled Dr. Gero after a brief, pathetic round of applause.
"Yeah, he made us take that name," South Kai added while pointing his thumb at Gohan, who was still smiling away at the camera like a Hollywood starlet.
"Don't feel too bad; the other two names aren't much less embarrassing," Justin noted. "Speaking of that, our second team, consisting of Android 17, Master Roshi and Vegeta, is called Team Saiyan. So, you know, the name is about one third accurate."
"The strongest man decides the name, as those two well know," Vegeta reported. 17 and Roshi just sort of bowed their heads in shame and defeat.
"And, finally, on our third team, we have Turtle, Yajirobe and the now-blonde Launch. Please give a hearty welcome to Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp."
"I named the team," proudly boasted Yajirobe. If Turtle and Launch holding respective expressions of shame and rage didn't clue anyone in, they didn't have much stock in the naming process. In fact, Launch went blonde just seconds after the team name was set in stone, and boy, did she want to throttle her blue half for getting her involved in a situation where someone could say about her, "She is a member of Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp."
"Well, enough wasting time," Justin said, "it's time to get started. Today, we have our usual six categories with five prompts apiece that increase in difficulty as one goes from $100 to $500. But, here's where the game gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean really fucking long. Today, the network agreed to give us a large slot, like an entire evening, so basically there isn't going to be Final Jeopardy until this entire board is emptied."
"…Oh… shit," muttered one cameraman.
"That's not all; Final Jeopardy is going to be played by the members of the team with the largest score by the end of the first round, assuming that at least one person isn't in the negatives by the end, which is pretty goddamn likely. Everyone gets one buzzer, so if you think you know the answer but aren't completely sure, just know that you buzzing in is going to put your teammates in harm's way as well.
"And with that, let's get started. Today, the categories are…"
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK
THE GOD DAMN PIGS
MAJINS
THE RED RIBBON ARMY
FUN WITH SWORDS
THE EYES HAVE IT
"Let's get this shit show on the road," Justin said as he cracked his knuckles. "Now, since Dr. Gero of Team Saiyaman was champion for the longest amount of time, he gets first pick of the board."
"Only a few of my many continued victories that I will have on this show now that I am back," boasted the Doctor. "I want The Red Ribbon Army for $500."
"Okay, who all saw that one coming?" Justin asked the audience. "Raise your hands if so."
Virtually every sentient being, as well as most of the non-sentient beings in the audience, raised their hands.
"Oh, good, you've all discerned where my obvious advantage lies," said General Tao- er, I mean, Dr. Gero (it's because they have the same goddamn voice actor), "you should all feel very special. Just give me my prompt."
"Ooh, someone's a grumpy Gus."
Vegeta snapped, the first of what would surely be many times. "Would you two ridiculous fools quit having a sarcasm contest and get on with the show?! You are all wasting my valuable time!"
This was the one higher-ranking officer of the Red Ribbon Army who managed to escape Goku's attack on the main headquarters.
BZZ! "Dr. Gero!"
"Who is Colonel Violet?" Dr. Gero answered.
Team Saiyaman: $500
Team Saiyan: $0
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0
"Correct. We also would have accepted Captain Violet."
"It's a good thing I kept tabs on all the officers in the army…"
"You mean all the female members, right, doc?" Android 17 said accusingly.
"Shut your insolent mouth, 17!"
"Dr. Gero, why don't you shut your insolent mouth and pick a category, not necessarily in that order?"
"Fine, Red Ribbon Army for $400."
The only non-human ranking officer of the Red Ribbon Army.
…
"Oh, good, we have our first stumper of the game, and it's only the second prompt!"
"What do you expect when you have a category that almost no one actually knows any details about?" the Turtle pointed out helpfully.
"I'm hearing a whole lot of you whining and not a whole lot of this prompt being answered." DING! "And, oh, we're out of time anyway. The answer, just for the curious, is Captain Yellow."
Dr. Gero suddenly snapped into action. "What about Major Metallitron? He was a major in the army, and he was a robot! I remember, he was my first one! I built him from a series of cheap toasters!"
"Well… maybe you have a point," Justin puzzled, "I just thought 'major' was a part of his name, like he's a MAJOR Metallitron, as opposed to a minor one or something."
"That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard," said everyone else in his or her heads at the exact same time as Dr. Gero said it out loud.
"Well, look, okay, the question was slightly misleading," Justin surrendered, "What do you expect me to do? Even if the answer would have been Major Metallitron, no one figured it out until after the question was long past being answerable. So let's just let it go. Gero, category time."
"Is that anything like Goofy time?"
"Did you just reference a fucking internet meme?"
"What do you think I'm doing in my spare time?" Dr. Gero growled. "Doing push-ups?"
"I would have guessed that before I guessed anything involving Internet memes. Whatever, I don't care, just pick a fucking category so we can get on with the longest episode of this show to date, which now that I'm actually experiencing it, might not be such a hot idea after all."
"Red Ribbon Army for $300."
"Androids are so much like computers; predictable."
"Hey!" 17 and Gero yelled at the same time.
"Relax, that's a compliment."
"No, it was not," Gero said back.
Mercenary Tao proved his worthiness to serve the Red Ribbon Army by quickly and easily killing this high-ranking soldier.
…
"Another stumper?" Justin smirked. "I guess we just make these questions a little too hard for you poor blockheads, eh-"
BZZ! "Master Roshi?!"
"Who is General Blue," Roshi said in triumph.
Team Saiyaman: $500
Team Saiyan: $300
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0
"What the- holy shit, that's correct!" Justin said in astonishment. "How did you even know that?!"
Roshi's own face went from determined triumph to amazement. "I got that right?! I just guessed the only name from the army I knew, I didn't-"
A very light slap to the back of the head interrupted Roshi and nearly sent him flying over the podium. "You idiot," yelled Vegeta, "you mean you just put our score in danger by taking a completely uneducated guess?!"
"It was a very educated guess, you doof- uh, you p-prince of all saiyans, you!" Roshi came right back, albeit reluctantly. "It's a better guess than you would have taken!"
"Do you have any idea how many high-ranking officers are in a fucking army?!" Vegeta screamed. "You only knew one of them, and it could have been any of them! Next time, think about it a little more before you decide to shout an answer you aren't certain about!"
"Why do you care so much, anyway?!"
"Because I'm not going to lose a trivia competition against Kakarot's son!"
"I thought you realized a long time ago you couldn't beat Goku!"
Vegeta said nothing in that moment that his raised fist wasn't saying to Roshi's face as it hovered tremblingly. Justin was amused, to be certain, but didn't want a horrible incident to break out. "Okay, guys, you've had your fun, now that's enough. Roshi, in any case, you have the board. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to goad you in one particular direction, but I'm cutting off your dick if you pick Red Ribbon Army, so no pressure."
"Someone's going to have to pick Red Ribbon Army a couple more times, so what does it matter?" Dr. Gero asked.
"Look, I just want a fucking break from it. Roshi, category, now."
"All of these categories suck," Roshi whined, "could you have picked a worse set of categories for this?"
Justin sighed, shook his head and ducked behind his podium. Seconds later, he rose back up with a megaphone and Roshi instantly regretted not picking a category.
"ROSHI, I AM GOING TO RIP OFF MY BALLS AND WRING THEM OUT INTO YOUR OPEN MOUTH IF YOU DON'T PICK A CHRISTFUCKING CATEGORY NOW!"
"The Goddamn Pigs for $100!" Roshi screamed back.
One of Goku's earliest friends named after a certain type of tea.
Before Vegeta had time to make a guess, he was rendered unable to utilize the millisecond of time afforded to him before Gohan from Team Saiyaman hopped on the stick and got cracking.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"Who is Oolong?" answered Gohan.
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $300
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0
"Good job, Gohan, you just netted your team an even bigger lead! Just to recap: Team Saiyaman now has $600, Team Saiyan has $300, and Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp is in last place with $0. Now, I am unpleased to introduce you all to a first for this show; COMMERCIALS!" Justin made a point to visibly cringe as he said the last word. "We'll be right back after these messages!"
()()()
Have you ever lost a loved one… to a heart virus?
"My dad is one of the strongest guys- no, THE strongest guy I've ever known. But, that virus… nothing could have ever stopped that."
"If only that fool Kakarot had trained at 101 times normal gravity! Surely, he would have lived on!"
Well, now there's hope for people like Goku… er, Kakarot. We still aren't clear on what his "real" name is, but for men and women afflicted with this horrible illness, there's Viraloma.
()()()
"And we're back! Gohan, you're in the lead, so you can pick a category! But first, let's give the viewers another look at the board, to remind them where we're at."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK
THE GOD DAMN PIGS
MAJINS
THE RED RIBBON ARMY
FUN WITH SWORDS
THE EYES HAVE IT
"Alright, now, with that out of the way, let's get this show on the road, Gohan."
"I want Fun With Swords for $100, please!"
A sword killed Frieza, and it belonged to this Super Saiyan.
BZZ! "Vegeta!"
Vegeta showed off why his smirk training classes at a young age paid off with a delectable shit-eating smirk. "Who is Trunks, my son?"
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $400
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0
"That's correct, Vegeta," Justin said, "although adding 'my son' there to the end tempted me to be really picky."
"Hold on," Gohan protested, "the Trunks that killed Frieza was from the future timeline. The Vegeta that answered that question is from the present timeline, yet he specified him as HIS son. Wouldn't that mean Vegeta got the question wrong, since he was referring to Present Trunks instead of Future Trunks?"
Justin thought about it for a little while. To be specific, about five seconds. "I think… that since we all know who Vegeta actually meant, we can safely give the points to him. It doesn't really matter what timeline he's from, Vegeta is Vegeta and Trunks is Trunks."
"But they've both experienced different timelines, doesn't that make them different people?"
"Quiet, you fool," Vegeta said angrily, "face it; you lost!"
"Yeah, I'm still going to go with Vegeta here. He knew the answer, regardless of how he qualified it, so I'm giving it to him. This brings Team Saiyan up to $400, catching up to Team Saiyaman. Vegeta, you get to pick a category."
Vegeta stared at the board. "Ugh… I'll take The Eyes Have It for $300." Yajirobe started cracking up.
"What are you laughing at, lard ass?" Vegeta hollered.
"The way you said the category name," Yajirobe said in between giggles.
"Yeah, you kind of said it like you were spitting out a worm or something," Justin observed helpfully.
"Well, it's your fault that these category names are so blasted idiotic! Just get to the damn question!"
This powerful B-tier Z fighter is known for having three eyes.
BZZ! "Yajirobe!"
"Who is Yajirobe?"
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $400
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300
"I'm sorry, not only is that incorrect, it's obvious that you set me up for a joke," Justin said tiredly. "So, let's out with it right now, come on."
Yajirobe was taken aback that Justin headed his delivery off at the pass, but he bravely soldiered on in spite of that. "Uh… you say I only have two eyes, but… you haven't seen my one-eyed wonder weasel yet! Heh!"
Almost utter silence. The only person laughing was Oolong, and he wasn't even laughing at the joke, but instead something off his iPhone.
"Great. I sure am glad we took time out of our busy schedule to hear that gem. Your team just lost $300 too, which was $300 that your team didn't even have to lose, and Launch is pissed off."
Yajirobe gulped and turned his head over to look at Launch, who was about to LAUNCH a grenade launcher payload right into his fucking face. Turtle shrieked and withdrew into his shell. "Got any last requests, fat boy?! You get just one!"
"Uh, yeah, could you snort this packet?" Yajirobe pulled a packet of pepper out of his pocket. Say that sentence ("Packet of pepper out of his pocket.") five times really fast.
Launch looked at the pepper packet and huffed. "No way, I'm not falling for that stupid trick!"
"Whoa, now hold on, Launch," Justin interrupted. "You asked the man if he had any last requests, and you said he'd get it. You can't turn your back on that. Besides, if you shoot that grenade launcher and blow up the podium, it's coming out of your prize money."
"Damn it!" Launch tantrumed and tossed the grenade launcher over her shoulder, scaring the living shit out of all of the staff people backstage. All none of them. Then she grabbed the pepper out of Yajirobe's hand and poured it entirely into her left nostril. Not only did she sneeze several times, she also choked and fell unconscious. And she even fell unconscious as the blonde Launch, rendering Yajirobe's entire gambit nearly completely pointless.
"Okay, could someone resuscitate Launch so we can get back to the fucking game?" Justin asked the audience, making his increasing impatience and frustration with the direction of the fucking game clear, with a picket sign held aloft that said, "I AM FRUSTRATED AND IMPATIENT WITH THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GAME."
"I can give her a senzu bean," said Goku from the audience, "but I'd have to go to Korin's Tower to get it!"
"Well, go ahead and do it. I'll put on a commercial in the meantime."
()()()
DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT CHANNEL WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THIS SPECIAL OFFER!
"Have you ever wanted to beat the shit out of some stupid fucking worthless-" Vegeta's voiceover began before a light whisper from across the room, followed by a brief, heated argument and an even more brief snippet of Spanish Flea by Herb Albert played over a "Technical Difficulties" screen, caused Vegeta to start the commercial over on a more down-to-earth note.
"Have you ever wanted to deliver a beating to someone who just kept getting stronger than you? Well, I'm Vegeta, and I have bad news. You'll never be able to get strong unless you take some drastic measures. And by drastic measures, I mean you have to be a Saiyan, then you have to get blasted through the stomach, then you have to have a small, green alien child come heal you. And even then, sometimes, it won't help. So, basically what I'm saying is, if you aren't me, just give up. You'll never be as good."
()()()
The show comes back on, revealing Justin laughing at Tien's restraining of Master Roshi after his attempt at giving Launch some rape- erm, CPR, as Master Roshi.
"I'm just trying to be a good sport and help somebody from the other team! Let me alone, Tien, I am your master!"
"Goku… we need you…" Krillin said solemnly, repeating what is probably one of his most oft-used lines in the series, as he wondered when Goku was going to arrive back with the beans. Two seconds later, Goku arrived back with the beans.
"I'm back with the beans," said Goku, the three beans that he came back with clutched in his super saiyan hand, by some miracle not spontaneously combusting just from being in contact with Goku's skin. "I got a couple more than necessary because I thought they'd be needed later, after all, Vegeta's in the game right now!"
Vegeta gave the smirk that he gave any time someone acknowledged his love of killing, and I think you all know the one I'm talking about.
Goku flew down close to Launch, kneeling right beside her and tenderly placing a senzu bean into Launch's open mouth. Tien got a chill up his spine, the one that told him, in essence, "Another man is putting his finger in or close to your girl's mouth, and you may not have ridden that horse yet, you have the saddle and you can take it out of the barn any time you wanted… unless this mystery man comes and takes it away!"
"Goku!" Tien yelled out, but it was too late! Goku's senzu bean had already done the trick on her! She sneezed a few more times, and the sneeze roulette landed her on blue, thankfully.
"Alright, very good. We have now wasted a significant chunk of time helping a woman get over a pepper overdose. I could never have seen myself sink to such a low. Anyway, that last question has expired, the correct answer was Tien."
"Aww, nerts!" Launch huffed. "I would have guessed that!"
"Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you were on the same team with Yajirobe," Justin said, and before Launch could retaliate in any form he had already moved on to the next question. "Vegeta, I don't know if you remember since it was about forty-five fucking minutes or years ago, give or take, but you still have control of the board. So go ahead and pick out another catty-gory after this quick recap."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK
THE GOD DAMN PIGS
MAJINS
THE RED RIBBON ARMY
FUN WITH SWORDS
THE EYES HAVE IT
"Okay, Vegeta, your call."
"The Eyes Have It for $400."
This weakest member of the Ginyu Force had 4 eyes.
BZZ! "Vegeta of Team Saiyan!"
"Who is Guldo?"
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $800
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300
"Correct. That's an additional $400 to Team Vegeta's score, bringing them on up to $800 and more than matching Team Saiyaman's current score of $300. Pick another category."
"The Eyes Have It for $500."
This Android used his laser eyes to lay waste to this city.
BZZ! "Master Roshi!"
"Why, that would be South City!" Roshi said, only to have a serious fucking gaze leveled on him by his teammates.
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300
"Wh-what?" Roshi yelled when he saw Vegeta's eyes burrowing into his soul.
"What?!" Vegeta snarled as he made the hasty decision of grabbing his partner's collar and lifting him off the ground, "YOU ASK ME WHAT?! YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD, THAT'S WHAT!"
"Hey, Vegeta, let's put the old man down, shall we?" Justin tried to ask nonchalantly, but his own fear was given away through the occasional shake in his voice. "No manhandling your partner."
"Old man, do you understand what you have done," Vegeta continued as he shook Roshi and completely ignored Justin's call for civility. "You have cost our team all of the PROGRESS I JUST MADE! $500!"
It was at this point that Justin was faced with a conundrum- the kind that a person usually faces with a significant other. Does he want to be right, but escalate the whole messy situation even further, or would it be better for everyone involved if he just kept his mouth shut and gave Vegeta time to cool off?
Unfortunately, Justin's drive to be right drove home with the gold.
"Vegeta, actually… there's a rule that you lose an additional $100 if a question isn't properly answered. So, uh… you actually, uhm, lost $600."
Vegeta looked at Justin with a face full of confusion and hate. It was as if his brain needed a second to work through the sheer white-hot fury that Justin had just deposited into it. His head slowly creaked away from Justin and toward Master Roshi, who by this point had almost given up with getting out of Vegeta's grasp alive.
"I…" Vegeta began in a low voice, "…I will kill you." A look of revelation came across his face. Roshi felt in his gut that his days were numbered. "I WILL KILL Y-"
But before Vegeta could finish the repetition of his sentence, a small toy ball, the size of a baseball, hit him in the back of the head. No one quite knew who had thrown it, but it was enough to sate Vegeta. It was a stress ball, and the sight of it was enough to bring the rage-tainted man back to his senses after a few very harsh squeezes.
"Quite frankly, Vegeta," Justin horned in, "I'm amazed that any ball can handle your kind of stress. What the hell is that thing even made of?"
Vegeta growled, "Hell if I know!"
"Well, okay then. Once again, this question went by with no one answering properly. To quickly recap the scores for those of you reading the text version of this whole shitshow," and Justin did a quick wink at you, the reader, as he said this, "Team Saiyaman is currently leading with $600. Team Saiyan's score dropped to $200 after this last query, and Team blah blah bullshit I don't even remember their name, they have -$300."
"It's Motherfreakin' Dickstomp," Yajirobe corrected. "Stupid."
"Yeah, and maybe if you put as much effort into knowing any of the answers as you did into coming up with a terrible name for your team, you might not be in a $300-deep hole. Vegeta, the board is still yours."
"Fun With Swords for $200," said Vegeta lowly. As much as he hated it, it was time to play strategy. The score of the team dropped well under Team Saiyaman's, and if they wanted any chance of catching up, they'd have to start small and work up or else they might lose even more points. "Old man," Vegeta began, "If you fuck this up for me again… I will sew your face to a man's bare ass."
Roshi's face, a look of extreme terror, stayed stiff as a board, unwilling to even go near the buzzer ever again.
Despite Ninja Murasaki's own sword, it was this weapon of Goku's that caused him the most pain.
BZZ! "Turtle!"
"What is the power pole?" Turtle answered. "Oh, I will never forget the day when Goku told Master Roshi and I about that fight. He was laughing so… Master? What is it?"
Team Saiyaman: $600
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
Roshi was trying to signal his turtle to shut the fuck up, but alas and alack, it was too late. Vegeta outstretched his hand, open palm hovering just a couple of inches away from Master Roshi's face. Until the point where a ball of energy began to form in front of Vegeta's hand, Roshi was paralyzed with fear. But that quickly changed, and he fell backwards onto the floor, nearly hitting Gohan even though he was over at the other podium. "Vegeta… I- I couldn't remember-"
"You… you imbecile!" Vegeta hissed. If he had screamed with all of the anger in his body, it is very likely that we would have seen a repeat of the self-explosion he used against Majin Buu. "First you sabotage our chances, then you keep silent when you could have easily beaten that stupid turtle to the punch! I would have been more understanding if Gohan had beaten you, but you DARE to call yourself a martial arts master and a TURTLE handed your ass to you, I see no reason for you not to be exter- OW!"
A tiny dart, now nestled snugly and headfirst into Vegeta's arm, interrupted the monologue that was to be punctuated by a Mighty Blast of Rage (episode 90 I think). Vegeta's energy blast dissipated and the saiyan prince fell backwards, almost cutting Turtle's left front leg off with his dangerously stiff hair.
"Vegeta?!" Roshi yelled. "I… I did it! I beat Vegeta! I-"
"No, you didn't," sighed Justin. At this point, our heroic host felt like a janitor in a school full of slugs that left trails of feces wherever they went. Always cleaning up shit was no way to go through life. If only he had not dropped out of law school. "Okay, one thing; who is the person in the audience who shot that dart?"
"That would be me," Bulma said, standing up. It amazed everyone the way she didn't need any amplification, and by "everyone", I am referring to the characters who had never spoken to Bulma beforehand. "For the record, I'm also the one who threw the stress ball. I'm sorry about all of this; it's just that Vegeta's been tense lately because the gravity room's been shut down."
"Well, that's all fine and good, but…" Justin gestured with his thumb in the general direction of Vegeta's podium, "when do you expect he'll wake up?"
"Oh, he's already awake!"
Justin turned to look, and indeed, he was already awake and up on his feet, looking slightly miffed about having been shot in the arm, but otherwise okay.
"Feeling alright over there, Vegeta?"
"Shut up! Mind your own business!"
"Very good. Well, let's get this show back on the road, now that Vegeta seems to be back to normal. It's time to take a commercial break, but we'll be right back after this word from a sponsor!"
()()()
Has this ever happened to you?
"Hey baby? What do you say I use multiform and we put you on a spit-roast, you know what I'm Saiyan?"
*SPLASH* "You creep! Hmph!" (Walks away)
(Spits) "Man, at this rate I'll never be able to get a piece of ass…"
WELL, NOW YOU CAN! Just pick up Son Goten's three part series, 'Saiyan All The Right Shit." available soon at your local Barnes and Noble! The first part, 'How To Eat That Bitches Burger If You Know What I Mean," has already been released, but you can pre-order part 2, "How To Make That Bitch Float, If You Catch My Drift," for the low, low price of 10 zenie! Get your shit together, and buy these today!
()()()
"Aaaand, we're back, and louder than ever!" Justin yelled, louder than ever. "Let's have another look at the board, just to recap the progress so far!"
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK
THE GOD DAMN PIGS
MAJINS
THE RED RIBBON ARMY
FUN WITH SWORDS
THE EYES HAVE IT
"It should be noted at this critical juncture that, in the time span between now and the last time we did a recap, only three more prompts were answered. It should also be noted, at this critical juncture, that I have never hated my job more than I do right now, barring perhaps that pepper-sniffing incident from earlier. Turtle, it's your turn to pick out a category."
Turtle scratched his turtle chin with his right front leg. "I want The Red Ribbon Army for $100."
"I'm sorry, but I think buying a whole army will cost you a little more than a hundred dollars! HAHAHA! Oh, we have fun!"
The Commander of the Army was collecting the Dragonballs for this purpose.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"What is to change his height?"
Team Saiyaman: $700
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"That is correct, Gohan, and you have gained control of the board. Pick, if you please."
"The Kaioken Attack for $100, please."
Goku had to go up to this Kaioken level to deflect Vegeta's Gallick Gun.
BZZ! "Gohan, again!"
"What is Kaioken level 4?"
Team Saiyaman: $800
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"You, sir, are correct level 4!"
"Hold on one second," griped Vegeta, "how come-"
"Vegeta, I'm going to head you off at the pass here, because Gohan didn't do anything to break the rules of the game and-"
"SHUT UP!" Vegeta yelled so hard that it caused a squeal of feedback to erupt from the sound system, pretty much deafening every Namekian in the audience and giving headaches to most everyone else. Except Rob. He doesn't have fucking ears. "Don't you interrupt me again, you sack of shit, or you will suffer my wrath!"
"…Sorry, please carry on," squeaked Justin.
"Anyway, Gohan, are you telling me that your idiot father only went up to Kaioken level 4 in order to stop my Gallick Gun?!"
"Uh, yeah, that's also what the host is saying, Vegeta. You sure don't seem to have a very good memory."
"Hmph. Very funny, boy. And I suppose next you're going to tell me that my power level during that fight was less than one million?"
"Uh… yeah. I mean, it had to have been. Remember the time Frieza transformed and said his power level was over one million, and you freaked out and said that, even for Frieza, that wasn't possible?"
Vegeta looked thoughtful, something that was such an incredibly rare sight that a few flash photographs were actually snapped because of it, which, if I may just say so, should have been prevented by the security guards. Unfortunately, the security guards did not have amazing superpowers, so wasn't like there was a whole fucking lot they could do about it.
"My God, it never really occurred to me…" Vegeta muttered. "My God! My power level used to be 18,000! Can you imagine what I would say about any enemy that showed up today with that kind of power level?"
"Yes, I can imagine," Justin smartly replied. "It would go something to the effect of, 'it's not even worth my time to kill a peon like you.'"
"Horrible impression aside…" Vegeta grumbled, hand clutching over massively-displayed forehead," "you're probably right. It's strange how we managed to accumulate these massive power levels in only a matter of years."
"I know what you mean," Gohan added. "By the time I was the same age where Dad first met Bulma, my power level was well into the hundred millions. I was capable of killing Frieza, the most powerful tyrant the universe had ever seen, without even flinching. It's… actually pretty scary, how strong we've become."
"Guys, I hate to interrupt your, uh, existential crises here, but we have a game show to play, so Gohan, please get crack-a-lackin' and pick-a-lick a category."
Gohan bowed slightly. "Forgive my rudeness. I'll have The Kaioken Attack for $200."
BZZ! "Ugh. Yes, Turtle?"
"I'm very sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering, how do you pronounce that word? I've heard it pronounced as KAY-oken and KIGH-oken, and I've never been sure which one is right."
"It can go either way," Dr. Gero said in a 'duh, idiot' voice that he reserved only for situations such as- well, okay, pretty much any situation. He's never not using it.
"Heh," Yajirobe grinned, "like a bisexual." Few people laughed. Most people groaned.
"…Anyway," Justin said dismissively.
King Kai warned Goku that his body was not ready to go past this level of Kaioken when he first mastered the technique.
BZZ! "Gohan, in a shocking turn of events!"
"What is Kaioken level 2?"
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"You are just chaining those correct responses, Gohan. That, once again, is correct. Control of the board continues to rest in your hands. Please, cup and fondle. Do not crush."
"Uh…" Gohan's face scrunched up slightly. "Whatever you say… I'll take The Kaioken Attack for $300."
Suddenly, a wave of buzzer sounds flashed out of the PA! "Holy shit, Gohan, you just got the first of our two Daily Doubles!" Justin exclaimed. "The Daily Double is something that has only happened one other time in the 25 episodes this show has had air time, because none of our contestants ever got far along enough on the board to get them!"
"So?" snapped Vegeta. "What's your point, or are you again trying to pad this thing out?"
"Hey, don't tell me how to run my show, you contestant, you! I just thought it was notable! Anyway, since it's been such a long time, I'll again explain the rules of Daily Double. Much like Final Jeopardy, you can bet up to the full amount of money in your bank, but do be warned; not only will you lose money if you guess incorrectly, the rest of your team, none of whom are allowed to buzz in and help you out, will lose the money as well. So, bet wisely."
"I'll bet $700," Gohan said after some brief deliberation with his teammates. "Even if I don't know the answer, we'll still be in the lead."
"Now that's what I call strategy, volume one." Once again, Justin had made a reference that nobody else got. "Anyway, here's a question. Or, not exactly a question, but… you know, I'll just shut up."
When Goku used his Kaioken x20 against Frieza, the dastardly villain was powered up to this percentage of his power.
…
BZZ!
Team Saiyaman: $300
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Oh, I'm sorry, Gohan, but dead silence is incorrect and your team just lost 70% of their money because of it!"
Gohan looked over at his teammates and smiled uneasily at their impotent scowls of disapproval. "Sorry, guys… at least we're still in the lead?"
"Boy…" Dr. Gero growled.
"Anyway, let's take a commercial break, shall we?" Justin started in, since he knew enough about body language to know that one humdinger of an argument was headed their way. "We'll be right back to DBZ Jeopardy after this message!"
()()()
"And they say that a HERO will save us, I'm not gonna stand here and wait…"
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This 3-CD set contains all of the classics that make you lunge for the radio button in disgust and wonder what the fuck happened to music!
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Only $2.00! Order today!
()()()
"Welcome back to shit!" Justin said with faux-excitement. "You just missed an argument that ended with yet another character being knocked unconscious! We've just now fed Dr. Gero a senzu bean, and thankfully, those things work on Androids. Let's take a look at the board again."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)
THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)
MAJINS
THE RED RIBBON ARMY ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500(X))
FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)
THE EYES HAVE IT ($100, $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))
"We are nearly halfway through with the game," observed Justin. "The good news about that is we are nearly halfway through with the game. The bad news is that we are less than halfway through with the game."
"I'm falling asleep…" Turtle groaned.
"Can turtles drink caffeine?" Justin asked.
"Uh… I don't know, maybe. I never had any use for it."
"Understandable… understandable," Justin said quietly just before jerking his head to the side. "Say, can someone backstage get this turtle some coffee?!"
"Uh, sir…" the cameraman started, but was promptly ignored, much to the delight of his wife, who was watching the show live in the audience and wanted him to know what it was like to be ignored for once in his sorry life, the no good son of a bitch, every time he came home and she had a good dinner prepared for him, he just sat down, ate it up, belched, farted, and went to bed, not even stopping to say anything to her like "how was your day" or "honey, that was great" or even "god damn it, nedthejanitor, end this pointless derail and get back to the trivia, or at least the turtle/caffeine thing, cuz that wasn't terrible yet."
Erm, anyway.
"So, where the hell is the coffee?!" Justin continued to shout back stage, to no one.
"Sir… sir!"
Justin's head snapped back toward the camera. "What?! I'm busy!"
"We don't have people back stage… we're the only two staff here."
Justin looked incredulous. "Wait- no, we had plenty of stage help and stuff when the show started! Where'd they all go?!"
"They left because you didn't pay them enough."
"Didn't pay them enough?! They hardly ever did anything except stand around!"
The cameraman shook his head. He took serious exception to his boss's comments, but this was not the place to air those grievances. Thankfully, Justin agreed. "We'll talk more about this afterwards. Anyway, let's just move on with the game, and if Turtle starts to fall asleep, his teammates can wake him up. It's time for Gohan to pick another category!"
"I guess I'll go for the Kaioken Attack for $400…"
"You guess? Son, you've got to be sure."
"…Son?"
"Yeah. That's your family name, right? Son Gohan?"
"…I didn't know that."
"Well, that's weird. Anyway, is Kaioken Attack your final decision or not? None of this 'eh, I guess' bullshit."
"Yes, I'm sure."
This is the last enemy Goku used the Kaioken technique against.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"Who is Frieza?"
Team Saiyaman: -$100
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's incorrect."
"…No, it isn't," Gohan protested. "Unless Dad used it against someone after that and never told me about it."
"Just wait and see. Anyone else?"
BZZ! "Ooh, South Kai! This is the first time you've buzzed in!"
"That's not legal!" Vegeta snapped before South Kai could speak. "A member of Gohan's team has already blown their chance! They shouldn't be able to try again with a different member!"
"Whether you think they should be able to or not, they can," Justin said, once again trying to be patient against his own instincts with this, the millionth interruption of the game (at least, it felt that way). "There's no rule that says another member of the team can't try to answer the… answer. God, I wish this game didn't make it so awkward to label what a question and an answer is."
"Who is Pikkon?" South Kai answered.
Team Saiyaman: -$500
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"I take back what I said earlier," said Vegeta.
"South Kai!" Gohan whined. "Look at our score!"
"That was the right answer!" South Kai said, partially to Gohan and partially to the host.
"I'm sorry, but no, it wasn't. Pikkon was never considered an 'enemy,' he was always more in 'rival' territory."
"Now you're splitting hairs," growled the pink kai. "Fine, what is the answer?"
"No one else wants to take a guess…?" Justin dragged it out until the buzzer sounded. "I'm sorry, the correct response was, 'who is Cooler.'"
"Cooler?!" Dr. Gero raged. "I don't even have that name in my database, assuming that's a name and not some stupid joke you're pulling!"
"No, it's a name," Justin said.
"Oh, yeah, I remember now!" Gohan said quickly. "I can't believe I almost forgot that one time during the three year period when Dad forgot how to go Super Saiyan until Cooler beat him up!"
"Heh… yeah, I did sort of forget…" Goku said to himself super awkwardly, his wife and younger son covering their faces in embarrassment, wishing for just that brief moment they weren't sitting right next to him.
"Well, anyway, the point is, you just lost 800 fucking dollars in one turn, so maybe you should re-evaluate your strategies. Gohan, since no one got that last one right, it is still your pick."
"The Eyes Have It for $100," Gohan said, defeated.
Dr. Gero was known to the Z Warriors by a different name when he used his eye beams to level an island nine miles southwest of South City.
BZZ! "Vegeta!"
"What is Android 20?" Vegeta said.
Team Saiyaman: -$500
Team Saiyan: $300
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Very good! Your team has finally gained control of the b-"
"Bullshit!" Dr. Gero himself raged. "Gohan, you knew the answer as well, why didn't you even try to buzz in?!"
"Because I thought I'd leave you that question!" Gohan shot back, nearing his wits end. "It seemed pretty obvious that you would know the answer, seeing as how you are the answer!"
"I don't have Vegeta's speed, you imbecile! All of the knowledge in the universe doesn't mean a thing if you are unable to apply it!"
"Can you two quit arguing like a couple," Yajirobe said, "and just admit that you both suck?"
"For once, I have to side with Yajirobe," Justin added. "If you want to bitch and whine at each other, please do it in a place where anyone cares, like… the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. In the meantime, please pick a category, Vegeta."
"Majins for $300."
This is the only one of Babidi's minions to not have his M located on his forehead.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"Who is Yakon?" Gohan said with a fist raised in the air, expecting applause that never came.
Team Saiyaman: -$200
Team Saiyan: $300
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Congratulations, you have regained control of the board and also are less in the hole than you were before," Justin sneered. "You should be as happy as a homeless man who just found a dime beneath the hernia in his belly button. Please pick your category yet again, and make 'er quick, it's almost time for more commercial."
"Majins for $200."
This member of Babidi's squad comes from a planet where the gravity is the same as Planet Vegeta.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"Who is Pui-Pui?"
Team Saiyaman: $0
Team Saiyan: $300
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Correct," Justin said, "even though it seems like Vegeta himself should have got that one, since he killed Pui-Pui on his own planet."
"Do you honestly think I can remember the name of every stupid henchman I've ever killed?" Vegeta snapped back.
"…A point that good deserves a commercial! We'll be back after these words from our sponsor."
()()()
"When it was time for my husband and I to consummate, he didn't have a clue what to do! He kept asking what was what, why it was what it was, and once he even asked who it belonged to! I knew it was time for him to get some help, so I dialed up 1800SEXHELP!"
That's right! 1800SEXHELP, the erotic hotline that doubles as a full semester of sex education, all in one convenient hour! And all for the low, low price of 1,000 zenie!
"I'm glad for 1800SEXHELP. Thanks to them, at long last, Vegeta knows how to satisfy me in bed!"
()()()
Upon cutting back to the studio, the audience was on the tail end of a long laughing spree directed at the humiliated Vegeta, who suffered as a punch line in the latest word from DBZ Jeopardy's sponsors. Laughing hardest of all was Master Roshi, Vegeta's own teammate. As for Vegeta himself, well, let's just say animals close enough to the studio could sense the white-hot rage and were running for safer ground at the very first whiff.
"Oh… oh, Vegeta," Justin wheezed, "sorry but… it was too good to re-"
For most of the people in the courtroom, the sudden, sharp burst of power emanating from Vegeta as he powered up to Super Saiyan 2 was enough to send them careening toward the nearest wall or other hard surface, only to be pinned there by his continuous powering up. Justin himself was backed into the category board by Vegeta's rage.
This went on for nearly a full minute, with Justin silently imploring Goku or Bulma to do something about Vegeta, and those two bearing the heat, knowing that Vegeta just needed to let out that fury before he got back to normal. And they were right; Vegeta finished, powered back down to his base form and went back to his normal level of pissed-off, which he un-lovingly polished and maintained on a daily basis.
"So," Justin started after straightening his clothes out (I've already forgotten most of what he was wearing at the beginning of the fic and fuck scrolling up to remember), "Vegeta, have you gotten your little temper tantrum out of the way?"
"DON'T TOY WITH ME FURTHER, RUNT!" Vegeta roared back. Nearly everyone flinched, expecting to once again make contact with the wall they'd just gotten to know seconds earlier. Justin decided to back off of the subject for now. "Right. Well, let's have a recap, then."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)
THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)
MAJINS ($100, $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)
THE RED RIBBON ARMY ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500(X))
FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)
THE EYES HAVE IT ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))
"It's really amazing, the way we've gone through most of the squares on the board, and yet not one of these categories has completely expired yet," Justin hinted. "It sure would be nice if one or two of these would be knocked off so it would take less time for any one of y'all to come to a fucking decision about what category you're in the mood for. Oh, well. Gohan, yet again, you have the board."
"Majins for $100."
"…Fuck you too, Gohan."
The over-powered man who beat the everlasting shit out of Hercule's daughter.
…
"Well?" Justin narrowed his eyes at none other than Gohan, looking expectant. He figured, the only two in the whole room who remembered the answer were himself and Gohan. It couldn't be anyone else. Gohan, as the host expected, looked extremely agitated and uncomfortable, glancing sideways at either of his team mates, trying to find some way out of personally answering the question and dragging up old, painful memories from his wife's past.
BZZ! "Uh… Master Roshi?!"
"Who is Spopovich?" Roshi answered.
Team Saiyaman: $0
Team Saiyan: $400
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"That's correct," Justin said. "I didn't think you'd actually retained that information."
"Who wouldn't remember an ass-kicking like that?!" Asked Roshi, incredulous at Justin's faint surprise. "I've never seen a fight so one-sided since my sister Baba tried to fight off her gas at a funeral."
It's a good thing Fortuneteller Baba was not in the audience that day, or else there would have been a firefight, most assuredly. It was up to Gohan to carry The Torch of Outrage (+12 damage) in her wake.
"Why did you word this prompt so cruelly?" Gohan asked.
"Thank you for asking in the form of a question," joked Justin. "Sometimes my question-and-answer writing people are trolls, and I can't figure out which ones are and which ones are being straight with me. So let's move on to the next thing-"
"No, seriously, I'm really pissed off about this," Gohan replied coolly, startling many people in the audience with his angry tone and use of the term "pissed off," something they assumed would set him on fire if actually uttered. Particularly surprised was his mother. She thought he had been taught better manners than that!
Imagine, her oldest son swearing on television! And she'd be making Goku share in her outrage too, by God, if he wasn't sleeping off a concession corndog hangover! Hey, Concession Corndog Hangover is a pretty good band name! Erm, anyway.
Justin folded his arms and smirked. "So, what do you want me to do about it? Do you want an apology and some money?"
Gohan gritted his teeth and growled a bit, and all at once it dawned on Justin that, holy shit, this guy was one of the most powerful beings in the known universe, capable of blowing up a planet in the blink of an eye, while he himself couldn't do a set of sit-ups without spraining parts of the body that aren't even used for sit-ups, such as the fingernails.
But before Gohan let himself lose any control, he took the high road and backed away from the podium and his scared teammates, deciding to walk away from the situation- "What's the matter?! Backing away like a coward?! Like your weakling of a wife should have when Spopovich was beating her to a pulp?!"
…Or not.
"Vegeta," Justin started, "I- …actually, keep doing it, it looks like you may have just changed his mind."
Gohan turned and gave Vegeta the dirtiest look he could muster. Imagine a Care Bear with constipation. That's the look. "Vegeta, are you trying to challenge me?"
"That implies you were ever a challenge worthy of being taken to start with, doesn't it, boy?"
If it weren't clear that Gohan was half-saiyan before that point, it would have been after the Vegeta-worthy grin he gave to… well, Vegeta himself. "If you think you have what it takes to beat me in a game of trivia, then I think you forget who you're messing with. Let's go."
"Great, now that you gentlemen have gotten your grievance with each other worked out, we can actually play the fucking game, because, y'know, we've had one prompt total since the last commercial break-"
"Old man, pick something," Vegeta growled to Roshi.
"Oh! Uh… Red Ribbon Army for $200!"
The first member of the Red Ribbon Army Goku defeated.
BZZ! "Roshi!"
"Who is General Blue?"
Team Saiyaman: $0
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"I'm sorry- really, really sorry," Justin emphasized as he looked at Vegeta's face contorting into rage incarnate, "but that is incorrect."
"God DAMN IT!" Vegeta just barely stopped his fist from crashing into the podium, which would surely have turned it into a pile of dust, before turning to Roshi. "I'm warning you, old man, if you cost us this game I am going to kill you TWO TIMES: once now and once again in the afterlife!"
"Okay, that's settled," Justin said hurriedly, sensing that the prompt was about to run short of time, "now who wants another shot at this one?"
…
The sound signaling the end of the prompt… signaled.
"I'm sorry, but we're out of time. The answer- or, question, rather- was 'who is Colonel Silver?'"
"Are you kidding me?" Gohan asked. "I've never even heard of that guy!"
"I was a member of the Red Ribbon Army and I didn't even know that," added Dr. Gero. "Commander Red always kept too many secrets. These prompts are unfair to anyone who isn't a passive spectator and just watched the show!"
"I don't think Colonel Silver even told me his name! I hadn't heard it until just now!" Goku himself yelled from the audience.
Justin looked thoughtful. "Well, look, guys, I'm sorry, but that's just how the cookie crumbles. If none of you knew the answer, none of you should have buzzed in… Roshi."
"This is BULLSHIT!" Vegeta screamed, nearly going Super Saiyan yet again.
Justin smiled to the camera and winked. "We'll be back with more BULLSHIT after this word from another sponsor."
()()()
"IN A WORLD… WHERE GOKU IS FIGHTING A FUCKING CAT CREATURE…ONE MAN… ASKS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION..."
"So, is there really no other place for the series to go?" Justin asks at what appears to be a discussion panel featuring himself and three other random nerds. "I mean, seriously, look at what Goku's fucking fighting."
*Picture of main antagonist from latest Dragonball Z movie, namely some kind of weird-ass Egyptian God-cat thingy, appears with a black background on-screen.*
"Let's get serious here- is Goku going to meet up with Yami Yugi to fight this thing, or what the fuck's going on?"
COMING JANUARY 2013- A BUNCH OF DBZ NERDS GET SALTY ABOUT THE NEW DBZ MOVIE
"But, in all honesty, I don't think we should question Mr. Toriyama's artistic direction-"
*Picture flashes again*
"…You're right. Sorry."
()()()
"Welcome back to more BULLSHIT, let's have a peek at the board."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)
THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)
MAJINS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)
FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)
THE EYES HAVE IT ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))
"At long last, one of the categories has been eliminated," Justin wearily said, "maybe that means we're almost done with the hellish marathon I thought would be a good idea, and that I'll have to do again in less than a month."
"Well, aren't you going to start forgoing the formalities and just getting the game going?" Dr. Gero asked. "I'm getting quite bored of all your whining and bellyaching about how long the game is taking when it's you holding us up most of the time."
"Fine. Ro-"
"If your mother had taken this long giving birth to you, maybe she would have actually felt something when your 6 year old body fell out."
"Gero!"
"Just had to get that one in."
"Roshi, pick a category. Now." Justin demanded.
"Fun With Swords for $300."
Dabura debuted a damn durable blade during this dynamic duel.
"This is supposed to be Fun With Swords, not Fun With Alliteration, jeez…" Justin said under his breath as he read the prompt.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"What is Dabura vs. Gohan?"
Team Saiyaman: $300
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100
"Correct! And congratulations on taking back the lead!"
"Jeez!" Yajirobe suddenly exclaimed. "Am I the only one who thinks it's nuts the way no one has any money this late in the game?!"
"Well, yeah, because the rest of us have been paying attention," answered our illustrious host. "Your team hasn't even tried to answer a question since probably two commercial breaks ago- hell, has Launch even attempted to answer any of these questions at all?"
"I'm sorry about that," said blue-haired Launch. "I haven't been out for most of this game, and when I've been out I haven't known any of these questions at all."
"Hey, don't feel too bad," said Justin. "At least you aren't Yajirobe- I think he's actually the reason you're all in the negatives right now."
"Well, fuck this game," Yajirobe said shrugging. "I'm tired of being here. I want to go home."
"No1curr. Gohan, pick a category."
"Fun With Swords for $400."
This member of the Red Ribbon Army had a spare sword stowed away inside a capsule.
BZZZZ! "Whoa! Now this is a first! It appears that Roshi and Turtle both buzzed in at exactly the same time, right down to the nanosecond! We… actually don't have anything prepared for this…"
"Then how about letting the team with the lowest score try to guess?" The turtle helpfully suggested.
"You know…" Justin began thoughtfully. "I know what your game is and everything, Turtle, I know your ulterior motive but… I can't help but like that idea, so let's go with that!"
"What?!" Roshi and Vegeta screamed at the same time. Android 17 just sort of chilled in the background, like he's been doing almost the entire game.
Turtle smirked, once again defying notions of what a turtle is actually capable of doing. These also include talking and- fuck, pretty much existing, in Turtle's case. "Who is General Blue?"
Team Saiyaman: $300
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300
"Correct!" Justin exclaimed. "We have ourselves a very close game! How exciting- Vegeta? Vegeta! Put down that energy beam! Drop it!"
But Vegeta would not listen. Once again, he was a stones throw away from completely decimating poor, hapless Master Roshi. "How is it that you continue to be bested by an animal that's distinctly known for being slow?!" Vegeta demanded. "How is it possible for one human being to be so unbelievably worthless?!"
"Well, look on the bright side!" Roshi screamed over the whirring of Vegeta's energy beam. "At least I'm not Hercule!"
Vegeta powered down his blast. "…I concede that point to you." Then he went right back to his usual arms-crossed, scowling stance, causing most of the people in the room to wonder if Vegeta had developed bipolar disorder over the course of the game.
"Right! Well, let's move on. Turtle, category."
"Uhhhmmm," the Turtle exhaled thoughtfully, "I guess… I'll take The Eyes Have It for $200."
Majin Buu first demonstrated his power by punching this warrior in the eyes, temporarily blinding him before a devastating kick.
BZZ! "Yes, Gohan."
"Who is Dabura?"
Team Saiyaman: $500
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300
"Well done, you once again have the lead and control of the board. However…" Justin pointed at Team Saiyan's score, located on their respective podium. "Something I haven't pointed out yet that I find amusing is the fact that Team Saiyan is going so bad, they're being beaten by Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp. Seriously."
"Well, maybe if ONE OF US would quit fucking up questions and ANOTHER ONE OF US would try to answer once in a while…" Vegeta fumed while Roshi and 17 looked on with apathy and fear, not respectively.
"Hey, isn't it better that I not buzz in, considering I don't know most of this shit?" 17 pointed out, and Vegeta scowled at his flawless logic, not to mention that damn hair of his. Oh, how he wished he could have that hair. Then he wouldn't have to worry about stabbing his wife while giving head.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't read that last paragraph," said our fourth-wall shattering host. "Gohan, it's category time."
"Fun With Swords for $500."
PEW PEW PEW! The buzzers that signaled Daily Double were signaling for Daily Double! "Those signals are for Daily Double!" Justin said recursively. "This will be the last one for the round, so Gohan, make it count! And just to remind you, you aren't just betting your own money, your betting your entire team's money… even though you pretty much made all of it yourself, but that's beside the point. In fact, South Kai, when's the last time you even talked?"
"I've been talking to someone telekinetically pretty much the entire time," he said, shrugging casually.
"Well, whatevs. I'd say you're cheating, but apparently not much use has come of it so it doesn't even matter. Gohan, what will you bet?"
"I took the category for $500, so I guess I'll bet all $500-"
"Son of a bitch, you'd better not!" Dr. Gero yelled at his teammate.
Gohan took a confused, somewhat deceitfully innocent look at the Doctor. "All of this is mine, anyway. I don't see why you think you should have a decision."
Gero sputtered. "Y-You fool! Think about what you're doing! If you don't know the answer to this, we're not going to have anything left."
"Gero, quit fucking arguing with him about it," Justin ordered. "The bet's already been made and he can't take it back. This is his Daily Double and his decision.
The angry old man crossed his arms in a childish manner and muttered to himself, "I knew I should have gone on DBZ Millionaire instead… Recoome's a much better host…"
"Now, without further ado, let's see the double! This one's going to involve a picture as well as the prompt, just a fair warning."
A picture shows up on the category screen of Tapion as Justin reads off the prompt.
This is the warrior who gave Future Trunks the sword that killed Frieza.
… "Who is Tapion?!" Gohan blurted out at the very last second, as Dr. Gero's body almost gave out transitioning from rage/tension to deep relief.
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $200
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300
"Congratulations on your four-figure lead, Team Saiyaman!" Justin said excitedly. "This late in the game and we only have one team with a grand, I sure am confident in the intelligence of the DBZ cast!" The DBZ cast, fortunately for Justin, was mostly non-fluent in sarcasm. "Gohan, now that you have two times more money than the other two teams combined, you can pick yet another category!"
"Give me Majins for $400."
This is the Majin who was supposed to battle Jewl at the 25th World Martial Arts Tournament.
BZZ! "Vegeta!"
"Who is Yamu?"
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300
"You got it, Vegeta!" Justin exclaimed like a kindergarten teacher. "Now you have the board."
"I've got the bored, too," said Dr. Gero. "The B-O-R-E-D."
"Well… leave, then." Justin shrugged. "I won't force you to stay. But be warned, if you leave and Gohan and South Kai are disqualified right after, they're going to come after you. And I don't know how worried you should be about South Kai, but Gohan… yeah, that's a different story."
Gero quieted down.
"Majins for $500." Vegeta picked.
The only form of Majin Buu that isn't pink or Uub is this color.
BZZ! "Yes, Yajirobe? I'm assuming you don't actually have a fucking answer."
"Uub is not a color."
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200
"I assumed correctly."
THONK! Turtle slapped Yajirobe across the back of the head. "Oww! You stupid turtle, what in the hell did you do that for?!"
"You didn't have to buzz in to say that!" Turtle said with uncharacteristic but nevertheless non-threatening anger. "Now we're $200 in the hole thanks to you!"
"You'd better watch out, or I'll cut you in half and make you my brektus!"
"It's breakfast, you tool! And you couldn't cut through hot butter, much less my shell!"
"Remember, I cut Cymbal in half!"
"That was 25 years and 10,000 chili dogs ago!"
"Are you two idiots done yet, or should I show you how convincing an argument I can make…?" Vegeta snarled from next door- er, podium. Turtle and Yajirobe, pant-shittingly terrified of the prince of all saiyans, came to an agreed truce immediately.
"Excellent, Vegeta, nice work," Justin clapped sarcastically like Pegasus when Kaiba found Mokuba in his cell at the castle. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES, I'M REFERENCING ANIMES THAT AREN'T DRAGONBALL Z! NOW HOW YOU GONNA ACT?
…Erm, anyway,
"I should have hired you to be my bailiff back in the DBZ Court days, eh?"
Vegeta scoffed so hard, a star light-years away went supernova. "What is it about me in the time we've known each other that makes you think I would want such a disgraceful job?"
"Your weakness to tranquilizer darts?"
The Prince of All Saiyans©™ had to restrain himself from jumping over his podium (like he even needed to in the first place) and tearing Justin at least seven new assholes, each with anywhere between one and seven stars on it, that could be collected to call the Asshole Dragon to grant a shitty wish. It should be noted that the prompt has been over for about a minute by this point.
"…We need you to pick a cate-"
"The God Damn Pigs for $200!"
The police alone were not enough to contain crime during the Great Saiyaman Saga, so they sent this non-super powered fighter to help them catch criminals.
BZZ! "Gohan."
"Who is Videl?" Gohan answered, smiling.
Team Saiyaman: $1200
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200
"Fantastic! It looks like we're overdue for a commercial break, so we'll be right back after this message."
()()()
"AAAHHHHHH!"
"Oh, God, the horror!"
"I beg of you to make it stop!"
WHY ARE ALL OF THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE TREMBLING IN FEAR…?
"Please just kill me!"
THERE COULD BE ONLY ONE MAN RESPONSIBLE…
"When will the horror end…?"
AND THAT MAN IS…
"The Great Saiyaman!" **strikes a horrible pose**
"NOOOOOO!"
"My eyes have been bleeding for three days!"
"This couldn't be the bad ass kid that killed Cell seven years ago, and I'm not even one of the dumbasses that fell for Hercule's bullshit!"
COMING THIS FALL… TERROR WEARS A SILLY HELMET…
GREAT SAIYAMAN: THE MOVIE
"Honey… is he around the corner…?"
"Let me check- OH GOD, HE JUST COPIED A GINYU MOVE!"
FALL 2013
()()()
"Welcome back to DBZ Jeopardy," Justin said with a little more zazz than has been usual since midway through the gauntlet. "Let's take a look at the board."
THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)
THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)
"As you can see, we are nearly done with this game, and holy sweet shit what a relief that is. Which is why, as of this sentence, all interruptions of the game's flow will be punishable by things dropping from the ceiling, and will continue to be so until I come up with a wittier name for them."
"What kind of things?" Gero queried. Justin just shrugged knowingly. "You want to find out, just keep asking those questions." Gero, feeling similarly to Justin about the out-of-control length this game has attained, chose to remain silent.
"Good boy. Gohan, it's your turn to pick a category. Try not to agonize too hard over your choice."
"I'll take The Kaioken Attack for $500."
The only time Goku ever used the Kaioken Attack while being a Super Saiyan was during a fight with this opponent.
BZZ! "South Kai."
"Who is Pikkon?" South Kai said with a hint of caution in his voice, still remembering the last time he tried this answer with another prompt.
Team Saiyaman: $1700
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200
"That is correct," Justin said to South Kai's relief. "By this point, I think it's safe to say that Team Saiyaman is the favorite to win this match."
"It isn't safe to say that at all, you jerkface!" Yajirobe yelled in protest. "There are still three more answer-thingies left on the board so-"
CLONK! Yajirobe's rant was interrupted by a full paint bucket falling onto his head, coating his hair in sky-blue paint and getting his whole team high on the fumes. Justin looked on with bemused amusement as the three of them stared dumbly at each other, trying to fully comprehend what just happened.
"Right. That's what I meant when I said, 'don't interrupt.' South Kai, do you want to try for 3, 4 or 5 hundred?"
"$300."
The only villain Oolong managed to be of any use against, thwarting his plan alone.
BZZ! "Uh… South Kai?"
"What?"
"You buzzed in."
"What?! No, I didn't! My device must be glitching!"
Justin shook his head adamantly. "We had all of our gear quadruple-checked by a team of trained engineers and technicians and shit before we started the game. If there's any error going on here, it's human or kai or otherwise."
"Damn it, I didn't press my buzzer!"
BZZ! "Well, that sound means you just lost your team $300."
Team Saiyaman: $1400
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200
"FUCK!" The Kai clenched his buzzer in his hand just barely before the point of breaking.
"The prompt is still up for anyone who wants a shot at it."
BZZ! "Turtle?"
"Who is Emperor Pilaf?"
Team Saiyaman: $1400
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $100
"That is correct. You now have control of the board, Turtle." Justin took note of the strange glint in Turtle's eyes, assuming it had something to do with the paint from a minute ago. "Again, you shouldn't take long deciding."
"I'll take the one for $400."
This color of star was on Oolong's hat when he first met Goku.
BZZ! "Dr. Gero?"
"What?!" Gero blurted. "I'm not the one who buzzed in!"
"Yes. You are. How many times is a member of your team going to do this?"
Gero began screaming, with that really big mouth that he displayed just before being killed by the androids. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID NOT-"
BZZ!
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $100
"GOD DAMN IT!"
Justin chuckled lightly. "Close, but no cigar. Anyone else?"
BZZ! "Turtle again!
"What is red?"
Team Saiyaman: $1000
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $500
"That is correct! You are now within reach of tying with Team Saiyaman! Talk about a stunning turn-around…"
"This is bullshit!" South Kai roared. "We're being robbed! Our equipment keeps going off without any input from us!"
Justin shook his head, not wishing to dump even more stuff onto another team's head. "Guys, I've said it before and I'll say it again; we tested the equipment thoroughly before the game started. There's no fucking way your stuff could be malfunctioning, I went- I didn't even go to the Dollar General for half of this stuff. You just need to get it together. Besides, even if I did think there was a chance that your shit was on the fritz, we're in the middle of a show; I can't just take the time to call the technicians and wait for the 20 minutes it'd take them to get here."
Team Saiyaman wrung their collective hands, realizing that trying to argue with this host was futile. It was best to just hope that it wouldn't happen a third time.
"Turtle, here it is. Here is the final prompt of the game. Thank. Fucking. God. For $500…"
The cops in this village were really squealing after a run-in with General Blue of the Red Ribbon Army.
BZZ! "Gohan!"
"No!" Gohan yelled in protest. "No, I swear, I didn't buzz in!"
"This old story again, hmm?"
"I didn't! Please, you have to believe us, we aren't doing this ourselves!"
"So you just expect me to believe that all three of your buzzers have gone bad once each during three different prompts? Are you sure you aren't just trying to throw the game for some stupid reason?"
Gohan's eyes were filled with desperation and frustration. Their lead was gone- even if no one else got the prompt, Team Saiyan was going to take first place and proceed to Final Jeopardy. This was his last chance. He had to answer.
"W-What is-" BZZ! "What is Penguin Village?!"
Team Saiyaman: $500
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $500
"Sorry, but you ran out of time," Justin said with some apprehension, knowing that it was kind of bullshit that Gohan didn't get that. "I'm afraid you've lost your lead. Anyone else wanna-"
BZZ! "Turtle, yet again!"
"What is Penguin Village?"
Team Saiyaman: $500
Team Saiyan: $600
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $1000
"NO!" Gero powered up an energy wave, forgetting that he was completely outmatched by one of his own teammates, and aimed it at Justin. "NO! NO! You are going to have this equipment checked or you are going to stand by and allow me!"
"Whoa, Gero," Justin rhymed inadvertently. "Let's calm down and think about what you're going to do here-"
From out of left field, at least Dr. Gero's left, came an energy blast from Vegeta, just barely weak enough to avoid killing the good doctor, but nevertheless severely damaging him. The blast pinned him against the wall behind Justin, narrowly missing the host. "Shut up, old fool! You've lost! Deal with it!"
"Vegeta!" Gohan said in a scolding voice. "Shame on you! There is something legitimately wrong with our stuff, and you're trying to cheat?! What happened to all of that honor?!"
"Enough, enough," Justin said, "I surrender. I'll bring the tech guys in to examine the equipment. There's no fucking way I'd let Gero do it…" Justin glanced over at the man's damaged android body, "even if he could."
The show was interrupted as the tech guys were called in. The same commercials that were played over the course of the show were put on repeat for a frustrated audience. But they didn't have to wait long for a great show- when the show came back, Justin was having some heated words with the two remaining members of Team Saiyaman, who had been accidentally covered in old chicken ramen broth due to a misfire of one of Justin's traps.
"It's going to take me weeks to get this stuff out of my hair," Gohan bitched. "This show has just been humiliation after humiliation and I'm sick of it!"
"How many ways am I going to have to say, 'whoops, I fucked up,' before you understand that there was nothing I could do?! Maybe if you'd let go of this really dumb crusade of yours, it wouldn't have happened!"
"Say!" One of the technicians interrupted the argument. "Your stuff's good, we didn't find anything at all wrong with it."
Justin nodded and turned to look at Gohan, who was angrily staring at the ground. "I'm afraid your team, as well as Team Saiyan, has lost. Now, you were just leaving."
Gohan and South Kai, still clearly angry, took Dr. Gero and exited the building. Team Saiyan left much earlier, and Vegeta in particular took a huge chunk of wall for a revenge souvenir. No one was sad to see him leave.
"Well," Justin rubbed his hands together, "I guess it's time for Final Jeopardy. Turtle, you take podium one. Yajirobe, you take two, and Launch, you take three."
"I have all this paint in my hair… and none on my fingers," Yajirobe slurred (guess the musical reference, win a prize!* *prize not guaranteed) as he got to his place. The others were in no better shape.
"How this works is, you're all going to have the thousand dollars split evenly between you, and you use it to bet with. Each of you has $333, so whoever wins gets the spare dollar added to their total, because fuck, think of the ramen you can buy with one buck. Our last category is…"
CENSORSHIT
"Place your bets!"
…
"And the prompt is…"
Roshi was drinking a foamy mug of this liquid after Ocean Group was done with him in the first episode of Z.
…
"Okay, you may now quit writing your answers. Turtle, you wrote for your bet…"
$333
"And you wrote for your answer…"
What is water?
"Excellent! I'm very amazed that you managed to even write at all with your lack of opposable fingers. Tell me, what did you do?"
The turtle stared at Justin with an expression of total neutrality on his face, staring intently until Justin got creeped out and gave up.
"And Yajirobe, you wagered… nothing. There's nothing there. So you're disqualified. Launch, you bet… what the fuck, you didn't bet either?!"
Yajirobe and Launch, you guessed it, were still woozy from the paint fumes. Turtle, however, was far from woozy. He had been awoken, in a way no other turtle ever could imagine. The combination of whatever mutation gave him the ability to talk and the abundant smell of ammonia had granted him… **thunder clap** PSYCHIC POWERS!
"Well, congratulations Turtle, you are officially the Gauntlet Champion! Until next time, I'm Justin saying… eh, whatever."
THE END