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How I Spent My Summer

Letter Eleven

Hey Spence,

So I had the most intense dream about you last night, I am still dreaming about you every single night but last night's was the most intense to date. It was so fucking real. It was literally like I was living the moment, like the dream was reality and this fucked up version of reality that I've woken up to is actually the dream.

In the dream we were in my bedroom lying on my bed. I had my head on the pillows and you were resting your head on my stomach facing me. I was running my fingers through your baby soft hair that smelled like a mix of raspberries and honey, just the way I remember it. You had your eyes closed and were practically purring as my fingers lulled you almost to sleep.

I had a smile on my face as I whispered, "Couldn't you just stay like this forever Spence."

As I said that you tensed up and moved off me. You sat up and turned your face away from mine so I could no longer see your expression. I heard a little sniffle and put my hand on your shoulder to turn you to face me. As soon as I saw your face I gasped. Your beautiful face was streaked with tears and twisted in agony.

You clutched your hand over your heart and murmured, "Why would I stay like this forever when it hurts so much? Why would I stay here with you when you don't love me?"

I felt my heart shatter in my chest. I tried to open my mouth, to say something, anything, but my lips wouldn't work and the only sound I could make was a choked sob. You rose from the bed, whispered, "Why couldn't you just tell me that you loved me?" and then walked out.

I woke up sobbing and reaching out towards the door to my hotel room. You, of course, weren't there.

Kyla text me last night to tell me that you are going to visit her in Baltimore in a week or so. I hope you have a great time Spence, maybe getting away from L.A. and all the memories there will help you. I know after Dad died everywhere I went reminded me of him and that was pretty unbearable a first...it gradually got better.

I hope you are doing ok after losing Clay. I'm sorry I haven't been any kind of support to you while you have been going through the worst time. I don't do death well, you know that. I think of how I completely shut down after my father died and how I pushed everyone, especially you, away. You wouldn't let me though. You pushed through and forced me to let you be there for me. You knew I needed you even when I was doing my damnedest to go it alone.

I know I thanked you then, but I just wanted to say again how much it meant to me that you wouldn't let me just disappear after my Dad died. You found a way to be there for me, which was something no one else was able to do. So thank you Spence, really thank you.

Mom was gone when I woke up again this morning, I have barely seen her at all these past couple of days. I guess she figures she ahs done her 'parenting' for the year and now she can just do whatever the fuck she wants. I hope the 25 year old guys she's hanging herself off steal her credit card or give her crabs or something.

Instead of spending more time alone I head out and met up with Jean-Marc and Rene who I had drinks with the other night. Those guys are a riot and spent the entire day teaching insults to say to my mother in French, Italian and German…those will definitely come in handy!

I can't let the dragon lady actually know that I am calling her a fucking crazy bitch…she might try to discipline me or something to prove that she isn't the world's worst mother.

Anyway enough about that bitch. Jean-Marc and Rene took me to the rad little underground café that was full of the most interesting people I have ever met. There were a lot of musicians and artists and I guess your typical outcast. It had the most chilled vibe of any place I have been in for ages.

Jean-Marc kept telling me I was too skinny and force fed me crepes and stuff…they were so fucking delicious Spence, one day you and I are coming back to this place so I can share it with you. I really want to share all of this with you.

In two days we are going to Amsterdam and once upon a time Amsterdam was the place I most wanted to see in the entire world (hello, legal pot!) but the lure of it is lost on me. I told you I haven't touched drugs since you and I got together and I am not planning to start now. Also I keep having scary visuals of my mother on pot…that is going to be some scary shit and if I'm stoned too then things could get ugly fast.

I wonder if Mom's toy boy is coming with us or if she'll pick up a new one in Amsterdam…either way I'm sure there will be some young hottie on the side while she stalks rich older men. My mother the gold digger.

Ok so I'd better wrap this up and get some sleep, tomorrow is my last day in Paris so I might go and do some more sight seeing or something.

Good night beautiful,

I love you,

Ashley

xoxo