"No. Don't say that!" His voice suddenly sounded strained, leaving no trace of its natural musical quality.
"I meant what I said, I do love you but that doesn't mean I will let you command me fransuz!" I snarled, annoyed at his response to my confession.
Looking up from where his eyes were fixed to the ground I caught sight of something I had never seen in him before. Blatant terror; blood chilling, panic educing fear.
"Erik…" I breathed, suddenly feeling like a monster for my anger.
"Alya, you cannot love me. I have simply bewitched you! It's a mind-game, I am good at those…"
"Erik, stop! You tricked me into nothing…"
An odd sense of madness came over him. His yellow eyes darted around, as if looking for an escape but unable to see any of the dozens set before him. "No, you do not understand…No one could love poor Erik…no one…"
What a pair we make, I scoffed to myself. Grabbing his face between both my hands. "Stop this nonsense!"
His mind seemed to snap back to the present. "But you don't know about my past…who I am and where I came from. Once you do, you will certainly abandon poor Erik!"
"Enough! Are you not the man I have spent the last few months with? The one who has pushed me to the brink of my control, only to pull me back again?"
He tried to take a step back but I followed, not allowing his face to escape my grasp. I didn't wait for his permission. Using my fingertips, I lightly traced the dips and valleys of his disfigurement, committing its feel to memory. A deep breath whooshed out of my body. He finally knows I love him. Come what may, he knows. I am no longer a coward!
"I don't know who you think I am…I don't know how to be that man," he admitted softly.
"I am in love with the man you are, not the one you ought to be."
Erik's breath was ragged, sawing in and out of his lungs as he stared at me, an odd looks of disbelief making the two halves of his face contrast drastically. His strong fingers wrapped securely around the wrist of my right hand, stilling my movements with ease.
"What? Did I-" I started, nervous I had upset him.
"Shhhh, he interrupted, "Nothing is wrong. I just want to remember this moment."
Leading my hand behind his head, he placed my palm against the soft flesh of his neck. His hands shook slightly, the only hint of hesitation.
I nodded, anxious now that he was calm and collected again. Holding my face gently in his palm, his eyes darkened as they darted to my lips. My stomach flipped as I tried to calm my fluttering heart. Slowly, his mouth descended upon mine.
Erik's kiss was much like him; a fearsome power teetering on the brink of control, but yet an infinite tenderness and passion that you cannot help but comply to. In that moment, I could feel what he felt for me. Hearing those words had washed away his inhibitions and he truly could open his heart to me, even if he was still too frightened to say the words. I knew as he wrapped his arms around me with a carefully leashed strength that he felt it too.
Just as quickly, the calm dissipated. "I suppose…I should…tell you…" he struggled to say the phrase. His throat seeming to constrict over the words he feared to say above all others.
"No, Erik. Do not say it. You don't have to. Save those words for when you are ready."
He pulled me to him, leaning his head against mine, cheek by cheek. "I promise to do my best to be the man you deserve. This will not be easy…"
"I know," I pulled back to kiss his cheek. He closed his eyes and released me when I stepped away. "You can be such a stubborn brat!"
His eyes shot open and locked onto me, a hunter sighting its prey. I grinned, easing backwards at the look in his eyes.
"Why you little imp!" He chuckled, reaching out to grab me. I evaded his grasp, pleased at my own stealth. "Is that any way to talk to your beloved?"
"If he deserves it! What do you propose to do about it?"
He snarled, making another lunge at me, this time a better calculated one. Dodging him with a bit more difficulty, I took off into the woods, feeling exhilarated in more ways than one.
Hours later saw us back on the road again, leaving the edge of the city and heading deeper into the countryside. I soon felt back in my element. The power of the animal beneath me, mixed with the liberation of the country breeze on my face quieted my mind. It seemed like all the trials and tribulations of the past had, for once blissful moment, stopped nipping at my heels like a pack of ravenous wolves.
My father had finally stopped staring at me, at last used to the idea that I wasn't about to vanish into mist and stream away. Erik now had the pleasure of occupying the man. After our return, my father had spent a great deal more time talking to Erik and including him in the planning and running of our group. I had to admit I was pleased. Everyone else had also picked up on the subtle change of Erik's social standing. People who had never taken the time to notice him before, now greeted him freely or offered him help. He seemed out of sorts with the amount of attention.
"What are you thinking of?" His low masculine voice cut into my thoughts as his horse trotted to catch up to mine.
"Just how nice it is to have you truly be part of our group."
He didn't say anything, looking out ahead of us with a distant look in his eyes. "I never thought I would have a life with people again," he murmured.
"There are thousands of people out there that are far worse than you could ever be."
"You do not know-"
"I couldn't be more certain and I will hear no more on the matter," I stated firmly. I was feeling quite content with everything and wasn't willing to let Erik darken it with one of his moods.
We continued on for a while after that in silence. At first I was pleased when Erik didn't take up the conversation again but after an uncomfortably long silence, I wondered if he had begun to brood anyway. I sighed, feeling as if the sky had turned a shade darker.
When we made camp, Erik made himself scarce, picking up chores in what could only be an attempt to stay busy and not have to talk to me. It saddened me that his past continued to haunt him even after I admitted my love for him. I had hoped the chance at a future would have helped heal him.
Feeling like I needed some time to myself as well, I took a blanket and made my own spot just beyond the camp's line of sight. Taking a book with me, I found a quiet spot, started a fire and opened the cover. Fingering through the worn pages, I felt as if I had returned to an old friend for advice and solace. I smiled and started in.
It had begun to grow dark when I finally heard a set of familiar boots on the hard earth.
"Why are you alone?"
"Just wanted a moment to myself."
"Is everything alright?"
"You tell me."
Without looking up, I could sense the change that came over him. He was tense and on edge, prepared to play the defensive.
"You are not as hard to read as you think you are" I stated before he overreacted.
"I did not try to hide anything from you."
I looked up at him, wishing he would understand what it was I wanted. "But you didn't share either. I want to help you. Don't shut me out!"
"No one can help me. I cannot change. Fate saw to that."
"You wear a mask of indifference to protect yourself. I don't want you to hide those emotions away. Talk to me, allow me to understand what lies behind that mask!"
He touched the deformed half of his face, his brow wrinkled with uncertainty. "That is one I cannot remove…"
"Cannot or will not?" I asked.
Before I could say anything more, he rushed away. The pit in my stomach opened deeper. I willed myself not to cry for his broken soul.
I left her bewildering presence and headed for the camp, not sparing a glance back in her direction. The confusion on her beautiful face would only weaken my resolve. My knuckles were clenched to keep my emotions in check, willing myself not to run. Running would make it harder to explain to Alya later.
I leapt into the cart and nearly pulled down the curtain concealing the inside from view. Among the items inside, sat a mirror Alya kept amongst her things. I picked it up and fingered it carefully, thinking of all the times her beautiful face had looked back at her from its glass. My breathing came in ragged pants, as I saw my reflection in its ice-like surface. I stared at myself for a moment, taking in the normal half of my face, its masculine angles, golden eyes and the lock of dark chocolate brown hair that fell across my smooth forehead. My emotions still in turmoil, I reached up and touched the other, sickening side. My deformity stared back at me, as cold and heartless as ever. She wanted to know about my feelings and opinions…to understand me. No masks. The world had always demand that I wear a mask to protect them from seeing what I truly was. Why did this woman of all people demand I show the one thing I had chosen to hide. The Phantom wanted to rage at anyone and everything, just to get a little revenge for having been given such a monstrosity. Instead of allowing him full reign, I forced myself to look at its shriveled yellowed skin and empty crevices. The harsh reality of my face was like a bucket of ice water to the embers of love and desire that Alya had stoked to life my soul. In that instant, my mind was settled. I would see her settled at home and then be on my way. A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed hard. I only hoped she cooperated.
Erik left in such a rush that I barely had time to register that he was upset before he was gone. Not knowing what went wrong, I couldn't offer any words to help and so I was forced simply allowed him his moment. He'd come back. Whatever demons he was running from hadn't caught up to him yet and he seemed to care more me than about staying one step ahead of them. I was grateful that he made a habit of returning to me.
I had to admit, regardless of his oddities, the love I felt for him was growing on me. Mind you, I wasn't terribly fond of the rampant waves of emotion that seemed to accompany my time with him but he was still charming in an eccentric kind of way. I only wished he would give me a little more of himself. I wanted not only to love him, but to befriend him, show him some of the support he provided for me. For a few moments, I contemplated following him, but the combined warmth from the fire and the blanket covering me was far too tempting. I curled up underneath it and stared into the dancing flames, watching the orange and white sparks dance wildly around one another.
"Alya?" I jumped up at the sound of my name and the pressure of his hand on my shoulder. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to remember what had been happening. When nothing supplied itself, I quickly tried to clear the fog from my brain.
"Erik? What's wrong?"
"I wanted to apologize…for running out on you…" His voice was strained and I thought I heard some brusqueness as well.
"But you came back. That's all that matters to me…now go to sleep. It must be late!"
He said nothing for the longest time, his face cast in shadow from the flickering coals of the fire. The silence lasted so long, I wondered through the haze of sleep if he had gone. Finally his soft whisper reached my ears. "I would rather be close to you tonight. I did sleep, but I dreamt you left me."
"Erik," I half admonished, covering a yawn with my hand, "You know you can not get rid of me that easily." He nodded solemnly. I sighed in exasperation. "I'm fine. Go now, you deserve rest. You've been very busy with this last leg of the trip."
"I'd sleep better if you were close by."
"You're impossible," I mumbled, feeling the fog of sleep lift. I pulled back the covers and nodded my head to the side. When nothing happened, I peeked one eye open. Erik was staring at me in near panic. "What's the problem now, Erik?" I was about at my wit's end with this man!
"That is not what I meant! What you're suggesting...you cannot intend-"
"That is precisely what I intend, Erik! For goodness sake! You wanted to be close! It's not like we haven't slept this close before…"
"But everything is different now," he declared softly.
I closed my eyes, gathering my patience. "There's plenty of room and I'm just too tired to play this game with you!"
"What do you mean game?"
"You act as if you've never been around a woman before…Really Erik! Now come on! Get in!"
Finally, Erik removed his boots and jacket before settling tentatively down onto the blanket in front of me. It was a close fit, but not uncomfortable. I wrapped my body around his back, resting my cheek between his shoulder blades. I could feel his pulse thundering under my head.
"For goodness sake, calm down and go to sleep, Erik!"
"Alya...I don't think this is a good idea." As I began to fully wake, the fear in his voice became impossible to miss.
"Erik? What's really wrong?"
"If you knew who and what I am, you would realize what a bad idea this is."
Not this again! Frustrated, I grabbed his shoulder and forced him onto his back so I could look him in the face. The look of surprise on his face would have been priceless had he not truly been troubled. I propped myself up on one elbow and studied his shaking form beneath me. He let out a ragged breath I caught a dangerous look in his darkened eyes. My skin sizzled where our flesh touched and his eyes darted to mine, having felt a similar reaction. My mouth went dry and now when I most needed to say something, I was physically incapable. I watched his mouth as he let out a deep sigh.
"I need you to listen to me for once!" I dragged my eyes away from his mouth only to find him watching me closely. My cheeks burned red but I held his gaze.
"This is difficult for me and after I have finished you'll have a choice to make."
"Stop. You don't have to do this."
His eyebrow pulled down in a half frown, the other half too mangled to express the sentiment. "Do what?"
"Tell me anything. I am not asking anything of you and I am not upset that you're nervous about being so close to me. I didn't realize what an imp I was being!"
"Alya, you weren't - "
I raised my hand and he stopped talking. "I didn't mean to misjudge where we were in our relationship…I apologize," I mumbled, feeling stupid for having let my own desires get the better of me. I had pushed him too far and now I could only hope I hadn't scared him off.
His hand reached out to take my cheek. His golden eyes searched mine intently. "You did not misjudge what I feel for you. This," he grazed my arm with his fingertips, "and this." His hand took mine and placed it over his thudding heart. It was only then I felt how much his hand quivered. "are real. Before this morning, I desired you, certainly…but since your astounding confession…" He seemed to struggle with the words. "what I felt has changed…intensified…I must be cautious around you for I do not trust my own control."
I stared back at him trying to take in what he admitted. Low in my belly, I felt the pull of his touch like a moth to a flame. I longed to caress him, to test that control he worried about.
Erik lying on his back took up the majority of the blanket and ignoring my own hunger for his touch, I rearranged myself so that I fit in the crook of his arm, my head against his shoulder.
After a long moment, his soft melodic voice reached my ears. "I have never shared a moment like this with another human before in my life."
"I will see to it that we share many more…I love you."
"Please. Say it again…use my name."
"I love you Erik," I repeated, wondering how long it would take for him to get used to the words. I would repeat them as often as he needed to hear it if it helped keep him close like this.