An hour after Eren had left, and Levi was still trying to calm himself down. Petra had helped him up onto the couch, rubbing his back while his shoulders still shook with intermittent sobs. Erwin had exiled himself to the entryway, merely watching the proceedings. He watched as Levi's crying began to slow, wherein Petra took the opportunity to sneak into the kitchen and make him a quick cup of tea. Levi accepted it gratefully, sipping it slowly and letting the warmth soothe him. She offered him a box of tissues as well, which he also accepted, blowing his nose and then wiping his eyes with his sleeve, trying to fall back into his normally stoic façade. However, even though she knew what he was trying to do, it didn't stop Petra from laying her head sympathetically on his shoulder, and secretly Levi was grateful for the contact.
Finally, when things quieted down, Erwin spoke.
"Levi, listen," he began in a low, careful voice, "I know I'm your least favorite person in the world right now, and I don't blame you at all. But"-
"But nothing," Levi bit out coldly, "You're right, I don't want to hear a damn thing you have to say right now."
Erwin sighed, and Petra lifted her head from Levi's shoulder, choosing to rub it in hopes of keeping him calm instead while listening intently. Eventually, the other man said, "It won't mean anything to you, but I still felt the need to tell you that I'm sorry. I really am, for putting both of you through that. It didn't bring me any kind of joy to see you both hurting like that." He looked down at the floor for a moment, before admitting, "I'll confess, part of me thought that what you two had was just some kind of shallow infatuation, but…it's different, hearing about how attached the two of you are to each other versus seeing it for myself."
Levi took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, before saying, "Then why the hell won't you let me see Eren at Hutchings? You say you finally see the proof of how much I mean to him, yet you won't let me support him when he needs me the most? I understand he needs to go to Hutchings, but he didn't need to be scared half to death in the process!"
Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know you can't see it now, but I really do think this will benefit both of you. Besides, he won't be cut off from his support system completely."
"Just from the only person who matters," Levi growled, frustrated, "Are you even hearing me, you piece of shit?"
"Levi," Petra murmured, her tone a mixture of admonishing and placating, "Shh, shh. Easy."
It was then that he noticed that his breathing had grown quite heavy, and that his shoulders were rising and falling with it. His insides were prickling hotly, and at the moment he was still so angry that he felt he was about to explode. However, in the same wave, he realized that no matter how angry he became, it wouldn't change anything. Eren was still on his way to Hutchings, and there was nothing he could do about that.
He felt fresh tears stinging his eyes, and before they could fall, he left the living room, and the two of them heard his bedroom door slamming behind him.
"I think it's best that you go," Petra suggested.
"I think you're right," Erwin agreed, and began to pull his coat back on, "I suppose you can tell Levi as well as I can that I'm suspending him with pay from the Wings of Freedom for the next year. He won't be taking any more cases in that time, partly because of the suspension, and partly because he can't take on two cases at once."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "What other case does he have?"
"Well, Eren of course," he answered.
She was silent, still confused, before Erwin clarified, "I never said I would give his case to anyone else. When he gets out, he'll remain Levi's responsibility. I can't imagine a better person to help you prepare for the real world than someone who loves you."
Petra just stared after him, even when he finished putting on his coat and shoes, bid her farewell, and closed the door behind him. When she heard his car starting up, she walked down the hallway, and then knocked on Levi's closed door once she stood in front of it.
"It's just me," she said, "Erwin's gone."
After a pause, Levi asked, "Are you going to be leaving too?"
Petra felt her heart breaking at how hoarse and hopeless his voice sounded, still thick with tears, and she replied, "I can if you want, but I'd rather not leave you as you are right now."
A few more beats of silence, and then the door was opening, revealing his still tear-streaked face. It was a bit strange for her to see him like this. She had seen Levi in his darkest episodes of depression, but he rarely cried during them; he mostly became very irritable, yet lethargic and hopeless. This was an entirely new Levi, one she was meeting for the first time in their many years of friendship, one that was not only hopeless, but grief-stricken as well. It didn't matter that Eren was still alive; he wasn't with Levi anymore, wasn't under the man's protective and loving gaze, and that was enough to make him mourn. She knew she had to be extra careful when dealing with him, not just today, but in all the coming days he would be like this.
After he opened the door, he stepped aside, allowing her to enter his room, wherein he went and sat back on the edge of his bed. He scrubbed at his eyes hastily, before bending forward and hiding his face in his hands.
"I know I shouldn't have been that harsh to Erwin, but I also know he deserved it," he mumbled into his hands.
Petra let out a breathy laugh. "He certainly did. I'm glad you let him have it."
"But I'm already on thin ice as it is. He's probably already fired me and I'm going to get a call from him over the phone later today about it. It'd be the perfect icing on this shit cake of a day, wouldn't it."
He dug his hands into his hair, and Petra couldn't help but stroke the nape of his neck that was peaking above the collar of his shirt, trying to comfort him. "Actually, Erwin told me he's not firing you. Just suspending you with pay for a year."
He lifted his face from his hands, regarding her quizzically, and Petra explained by telling him what Erwin had told her about keeping Eren as a case and how he allow him to return to Levi's care after he got out. Levi just sighed and shook his head, obviously still not trusting Erwin's words or his sincerity completely, but too emotionally strung out to dwell on them.
"I suppose that's good," he finally settled on, "I didn't want to have to worry about money on top of everything else."
"He'd be stupid to fire you," Petra mentioned, "You're the best one in the organization he's got. At least he knows that. But of course you have to be punished in some way."
Levi nodded, before leaning forward again and holding his head in one hand this time. The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Petra stroking his back rhythmically, feeling how overly warm it was from stress. Eventually, Levi spoke again.
"What am I going to do?" he said in a small, vulnerable voice, "I don't want to be alone, Petra. I don't want Eren to be alone either. God, I'd let Erwin punish me however he wanted as long as he left Eren alone. But I suppose, in a way, separating us is the best punishment. It just so happens that Eren needed to be admitted for more intense psychiatric care. And I know you won't be able to come over as often with your new case and that I won't be able to help much because of my suspension"-
"Levi, slow down," she said. "Now listen, it's like I told Eren. It'll turn out alright in the end. We just have to take things one step at a time. And right now we have to get you calmed down enough so that you can take a nap this afternoon. You look like you need one."
Levi knew she was right when he felt too exhausted to disagree with her. And though he hadn't really looked at himself in the mirror today, he knew that between his single hour of sleep and the stress of the morning, he had to look like hell. So, he just gave into her, keeping his head bowed and his eyes on the floor. Petra offered him a small smile, and watched as he wordlessly leaned over to lay down, letting his head drop listlessly onto his pillow. Without being prompted, she stood up and pulled his quilt, still mussed from when he had wrapped it around Eren, up and over his shoulders. She then smoothed it out tenderly, before nodding at him once, and turning to leave. However, before she made it to the door, Levi stopped her with a soft, "Petra."
She halted and turned her head over her shoulder to look at him. "Hmm?"
"Why are you still being so good to me?"
She cocked her head slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, even though I fucked up so bad, why are you still helping me so much? Why are you taking my side over Erwin's?"
Petra scoffed and shook her head, suddenly looking like she was about to explain a simple concept to a child who just couldn't grasp it. "Because you're my friend," she stated, "and I care about you and Eren both. I'll tell you Levi, in all the years I've known you, I've never seen you this happy, and I know for a fact that kid brought it out of you. We don't usually get to choose when and how we meet the person we fall in love with. Most of the time they just kind of fall into your life, but when they do, you'd be an idiot to let them go. And after seeing you both at your lowest points, and seeing how happy you are together…I just want you both to stay that happy forever."
Overwhelmed, Levi had to swallow down more tears, but couldn't cover up his emotions completely, as they closed his throat and made his next words come out thickly. "We can definitely aim for that. Thank you, Petra. I don't thank you nearly enough for everything you do, and I should."
She waved her hand dismissively. "I think that's the sleep deprivation talking. Normal, non-sleep deprived Levi would know that he thanks me plenty just by smiling for me when he doesn't really smile for anyone else."
That answer of course prompted a smile out of him, a small one, but it was definitely there. Petra smiled in return, before telling him once again to get some rest. "And don't worry about anything right now," she added, "I'll get your woodstove started and get some lunch going for us. Might do some tidying up around here too. Not that there's too much to do since you keep everything so spotless. But I'll be here when you wake up either way, okay?"
"Okay," he said, and watched as she left, closing the door behind her. Levi sighed to himself, and closed his eyes, feeling strung out and beyond exhausted by the events of the last forty eight hours. Though truthfully, part of him wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, to pretend that everything had been a bad dream.
000
Petra was kind enough to stay with him all afternoon. The two of them caught up over lunch, eventually sitting down to watch a couple of fluffy chick flicks on Netflix, which Levi normally despised. But at this point, he welcomed any distraction and just hearing Petra scold him over what a pessimistic grump he was being over how unrealistic the romance was portrayed in the movies made him happy. It made him feel somewhat normal. Even when Petra eventually left him that evening with promises that he would call her if he needed anything, the good feeling didn't go away.
However, it did go away the minute she closed the door behind her, and he was left with the ringing silence of his own empty house.
Levi turned away from the entryway and made his way into the kitchen, his feet dragging the tiniest bit. He tried to ignore it, tried to focus on anything but the prickling unease in his chest, but it returned in full force when he opened his fridge and saw the lasagna he had made Eren last night, still sitting there innocently in its pan. He bit his lip, debating, and decided to pull it out of the fridge and set it on the counter. When he pulled the cover off, his heart gave a lurch at the sight of the two square pieces missing from his and Eren's dinner the night before, when he had still been here. Levi shook his head, and spooned a piece on his plate, reaching over and turning on Christmas music on his radio before sticking his food in the microwave.
When it finished, he sat down at the table, and tried to focus on the cheery music playing. In between bites, he found himself glancing over to his Christmas tree, which had turned on automatically because of the timer he had set it on. It sparkled at him, bringing him the tiniest bit of relief and happiness. Even more so when he noticed Eren's little corgi ornament sitting front and center, gleaming among the white lights. But that happiness disappeared the longer he kept eating.
It was so quiet. So terribly, horribly quiet, despite the music playing. There was no banter, no laughter, no warmth or feeling of ease he had grown so used to. No Eren singing along to the Christmas songs on the radio, no Eren asking what they were going to do tomorrow, no Eren to help him make dinner. The silence hit him like a physical blow, clenching his stomach and making him feel too sick to eat much. But he still tried, still tried to enjoy Eren's favorite meal in his stead. He tried to ignore the guilt and dread he had been feeling since that morning, but it wouldn't go away.
Eventually, Levi finished his plate, also trying very hard to ignore how odd it felt to only have to clean up one plate and not two. There was also only one glass sitting by the sink. He sighed, and decided to go and put his pajamas on.
Once that was done, he glanced at his clock, and saw that it was around eight at night. He couldn't help but think that Eren would probably be at Hutchings by now. Would he be getting ready for bed too? Was he still as frightened as he was this morning?
Levi took a deep, shaky breath, and moved into the living room, suddenly desperate to numb his mind with some t.v. Maybe it would help him relax enough to fall asleep tonight, though he doubted it. His muscles were too tense, and his insides were squirming around too much, too uncomfortable and jittery. Even as he sat there on the couch and watched t.v, all he could think of was Eren. Already, he was itching to call Hutchings, wondering if they had heard from Erwin yet that he wasn't allowed to speak to the boy while he was there. He just wanted to talk to Eren, just for a little while, to comfort him, to let him know that he didn't have to be afraid. He wanted to tell him goodnight like always and that he loved him. He wanted to know that he had made it there safely, and that he was settling in alright.
But he couldn't.
And he couldn't settle down on this couch either, the t.v doing nothing to distract him and instead only driving up his anxiety even further. So, deciding it was pointless, he got up and headed for bed. Once he turned on his lamp, he suddenly remembered Eren's pendant hanging around his neck. He ran his fingers over it reverently for a moment, debating on whether or not to remove it before he went to bed, but decided he simply didn't have the heart to. He had promised Eren he would keep it safe, after all. So instead, he plopped despondently onto the bed, turning off the light and settling under the blankets.
It took him a whole thirty seconds of total darkness and silence to realize that sleep wasn't going to come any time soon for him that night.
Despite having several layers of blankets laid firmly over him, Levi still felt exposed and cold. There was no warm pressure of another body against his, no breath near his ear, no cold feet pressed against his thighs or arms holding him securely against a chest where a reassuring heart beat just under his cheek. He had been feeling it all day, but it was in that moment that it truly sank in; he was alone.
Levi felt tears stinging his eyes once more, and his throat grew painfully tight. He was pathetic and he knew it. Eren had only been gone for a little over twelve hours, and he was already aching for him. His body was craving his comforting presence, so used to having it to watch for the monsters that liked to invade his sleep. He didn't realize how dependent he had grown on having Eren there to help him watch the dark corners of his room for any threats that might be there until he was gone. He was suddenly so desperately uneasy, frightened even. He felt so out of sorts, like he had been thrown out of alignment, and it made his long suppressed anxiety bubble to the surface. He had to do something, he needed something to make him feel right again. But he only knew of one thing that would make him feel better, and he was eight hours away.
The tears began to roll down Levi's cheeks, grief and frustration mingling together in a hot, potent mix. It was enough to make him slide slightly over to the side of the bed that Eren had occupied the night before, and take a deep draught of the sheets. To his relief, they still smelled like Eren, and that calmed down his jittering insides jut the tiniest bit. That smell meant comfort and safety, warmth and happiness. It meant the beach, hikes through the woods, talks under the stars, fairies on the meadow, and a castle in the clouds. Levi couldn't help himself when he grabbed the pillow Eren had used last night and held it to his chest, desperate to hold something, unused to his arms feeling so empty. He buried his nose in it, tears wetting the fabric as they dripped down his face. It smelled like Eren too, and if he closed his eyes, he could imagine it was the boy he was holding. His boy, his precious Eren, safe in his arms, and not hundreds of miles away, frightened out of his mind.
"Eren," he said hoarsely, eyes flickering up to his window, watching as the snow pattered against the glass. He could see the mountains from here, though they were shrouded slightly by the snow clouds. And Levi couldn't call Eren, but he could still wish him well, as if the boy could hear him. He was seeing the same moon and stars, after all. "It's okay. Don't be scared, alright? It's going to be alright. I'm sending you a hug, okay? Can you feel it? I'm sending you the warmest, tightest hug that I can."
His bottom lip trembled, and his tears came faster, hugging the pillow closer. "It'll be alright, brat," he whispered, "You're going to get better, and then we'll be together again. And then I'll hug you and never let go. So just settle down, I know you're scared, but I'm right there with you. Just relax. You're safe. I'm with you, so you're safe."
Levi's shoulders shook on a small sob, and he finished with, "Goodnight, kid. I love you. The minute they discharge you from that place, I'll be on my way to get you. Even if they decide to discharge you at three in the morning or some shit, I'll get up and be there. It'll be okay…it'll be okay…I love you..."
And with that, Levi took his eyes away from the window, and instead cried silently to himself, murmuring over and over again that he loved his brat, that it was going to be okay, though he was pretty sure he was trying to convince himself at that point. And eventually, he did drop off into an uneasy sleep, tears dried on his face, and his nose still buried in his pillow, Eren's scent soothing him at long last.
000
"NO! NO! Levi help me! Help me, help me! Levi I don't want to go! NO!"
"Eren!" Levi cried helplessly, still struggling in Erwin's hold, "Eren, no!"
And that was the last Eren got to see of his protector, before he was pushed outside and the door was closed behind him. Eren reached a new height of panic when Levi disappeared from his sight, and he began struggling harder than ever, thrashing and kicking like a possessed beast. They couldn't do this, they couldn't take him from his Levi, from the only person and place that made him feel safe. The thought of being sent so far away from the people that loved him brought up flashbacks of being taken away from his parents and locked in that basement for a decade and…he couldn't let them do this.
With renewed determination, Eren threw his head back and caught the other man in the chin with his skull. It hurt, but the sharp, unexpected pain made the transporter let go of him. The other transporter quickly rushed up to grab him, and without thinking, Eren kicked him in the groin. He heard him go down, and he realized that for a precious minute, he was free. He could go anywhere to get away from them, but he only knew of one place he wanted to be. Trudging as fast as he could through the fresh, powdery snow, he raced back up the walkway and grabbed the knob on the front door, twisting it desperately, and cursing when it didn't open. It was locked, of course it was, and that only made Eren shakier and more desperate, especially when he heard the men get up behind him and begin to move towards him again.
"Levi!" he cried, pounding on the door, "Levi, help me! Let me in, please!"
"Eren!" Levi responded on the other side, "Eren, hold on!"
He was so close, so close to safety. Levi was there on the other side. He just had to let him in, and Eren knew he would protect him. It didn't even occur to the boy to run away into the woods and hide, not when he'd be so much safer in the arms of the man he loved. Levi would save him, he always did, always protected him, always took care of him, always-
Eren shrieked as one of the transporters regained their hold on him, pulling him away from the front steps. But the boy still fought, still thrashed in his grip, desperate for freedom. He knocked his head backwards again, over and over until he could see spots flash momentarily in front of his eyes. He didn't care if he hurt himself though, as long as he could get to Levi again.
"Eren, come on, you need to stop that or we're going to have to put you out," the transporter that held him said, trying to keep his tone calm, but having difficulty due to the fact that Eren was putting up such a fuss.
"Let me go, you bastard!" the boy screeched, ignoring him completely, "Let me go, let me GO!"
Seeing that he was too far gone to listen to them, and far too worked up to get safely in the van, the free transporter ran back to the van and returned with a small object that Eren didn't recognize as a syringe until the man was grabbing his upper arm and holding the needle above it. Blind panic set in, and Eren fought harder than ever, trying to get away from the awful syringe and the drug that it contained.
"LEVI!" he screamed, "LEVI HELP ME!"
But Levi couldn't help him anymore. No one could. Still, that knowledge didn't stop Eren from still trying to break free anyway, even as the needle plunged into his arm. Even when the drugs began to flood his system and slow down his reactions, he still fought. He kept crying for Levi to help him, though even he realized that his cries were gradually growing softer and his limbs began to grow heavier. A high pitched buzzing began in his ears, and blackness groped for him, pulling him down against his will. Still Eren fought, fought to keep his eyes open, fought to stay aware and keep his eyes on the front door of his house. Levi was in there, and any moment now, he would come out and pull Eren back into his arms. Any moment now.
"Levi," he mumbled, "Help…"
Any moment…
"Help me."
His eyes closed, the front door being the last thing he saw, and his last thought was that he desperately hoped when he woke again, Levi would be holding onto him, keeping him close and warm and reassuring him that it had all been a horrible nightmare. He would wish for nothing else for as long as he lived if only the first thing he saw when he woke again were those gray eyes with their hint of blue looking down lovingly at him.
000
It felt like a year and a moment had passed all at once before Eren opened his eyes again. He did so slowly, with the air of one that feels more dead than alive, and even though his eyes were open, his brain was still very much asleep. It took him several minutes to recognize that he wasn't still asleep, and that the gray, upholstered ceiling he was looking at was real. So was the seatbelt hugging his body, the dull roaring of other cars passing him, and the quiet conversation of the two men in the car with him. It was real, it wasn't a passing nightmare like he had hoped. They had gotten him in the car and were taking him away.
Levi wasn't there. He wasn't there to greet him like he had wished for, and he wasn't there to comfort Eren in his distress. Knowing this, all the boy could do was give in to the fear that gripped him, forcing adrenaline into his deadened limbs, and beginning to struggle.
"Out," he gasped, "Let me out. Let me go."
He began to shift around, looking for the clasp of the seatbelt, his sleepy brain telling him to undo it and get out of the car this instant, never mind that they were going seventy miles per hour on a main highway in the middle of nowhere. He had to get out. He'd walk home if he had to, but he couldn't stay here.
"Hey, hey now," the transporter sitting next to him said, placing a steadying hand against the one of Eren's that was groping for his seatbelt buckle, "It's alright. Calm down."
"No," he whimpered, "No. Let me out. I want to go home. I'm going home."
"Eren, Eren," the other man said, "I know. I know you want to go home, but you can't. You have to go to Hutchings, for your own good, you know that. Besides, we're in Pennsylvania right now, just crossed the border thirty minutes ago. Already a good couple of hours out. But it's alright, we're not going to let anything happen to you. We were going to pull over into the next rest stop for a break, so we could take that time to feed you and let you use the bathroom, alright?"
Eren had stopped listening after the man had said they were out a couple of hours. Already? He had been asleep that long? No, he couldn't be. The thought had his heart hammering again, and he twisted around in his seat to look out the back window. His heart dropped into his stomach when he didn't recognize his surroundings, and what was more, he couldn't see the mountains anymore either. He wondered when they had disappeared from their sight.
Eren turned back around in his seat, curling in on himself and growing more frightened by the moment. He froze up, instinctively trying to make himself as small as possible. He felt like a fawn hiding amongst the leaf litter, trying to stay still so predators wouldn't notice him until his mother returned for him. Except Levi wasn't his mother, and two hours away from home with the mountains nowhere in sight, he didn't have a hope of the man coming for him.
He was completely on his own.
Eren whined, long and low, a sound of profound distress. Hopeless tears began to well up in his eyes, and he bit his lip. This was the first time in a long time he had cried and Levi hadn't rushed to his side to comfort him, and he didn't like it. He didn't like hurting and being scared like this with no hope of a balm for the pain. And he had nothing to comfort himself with; they had made him leave his pendant at home, and everything else that reminded him of home and safety. All he could do was sit there and hurt. His tears slipped down his cheeks, and he cried silently to himself, too frightened to think. He could feel himself growing colder as well, even though the heat was blasting in the car. A clammy sweat prickled on his back and along his temples, and he began to feel nauseous. He started to shiver and wrapped his arms around himself in an effort to conserve warmth.
Seeing this, the transporter sitting next to him reached around in back to grab Eren's bag. The boy heard the zipper open, and soon found one of his blankets from home being draped over him. The spark returned a little bit to the boy's eyes as he caught the scent of the blanket; it was clean and soft, but still contained the subtle, musky smell Levi's house always did. To Eren's utter relief and delight, taking another whiff, he realized that it even smelled a bit like Levi, as the two of them would often cuddle under this blanket on the couch. His face then pinched in pain, and the tears began to flow for a whole different reason as he wrapped the blanket all around himself and pulled it over his head, encasing himself in comforting warmth. The transporters gave him his privacy as he cried under his blanket helplessly.
They ended up stopping at several rest stops along their journey, and each time Eren used the bathroom, but couldn't bring himself to eat anything. For one thing, he was far too on edge to try and force something down; he was almost certain he'd throw it back up again. For another thing, as silly as it sounded, he took a small comfort in knowing his last meal had been at Levi's house, and he liked to imagine that the tart Levi had made so carefully for him was still in his belly, reminding him how much Levi loved him. For as long as he could, he wanted that to be his last meal, to keep that piece of home with him, and not put anything in his body that Levi hadn't made. However, every time he got back into the car, he wrapped himself back up in his blanket, hiding his nose in it and napping when he could, pretending that he wasn't in the car. At one point he grew out of it enough that he thought he was on the couch at home, and the roaring of the car transformed into a movie playing on the t.v.
Finally, the eight hour trip came to an end, and Eren felt his heart fly into his throat when they finally pulled into the parking lot at Hutchings Psychiatric Center. It was quite dark by now, and it only made the lights on the building as they pulled up seem harsher and more threatening to Eren. He curled up further under his blanket, pushing it hard against his nose and inhaling the scent of home to keep himself sane. Even when the parked the car in the underground garage, Eren didn't move, frozen with terror once more. He waited until his things were unloaded from the car and the transporter opened his door and unbuckled his seatbelt, telling him it was time to go to even acknowledge either of them. His eyes merely flicked over to the other man's, wide and rimmed in red from his tears throughout the day. He hugged the blanket closer around his body.
"You can keep the blanket on if that will make you feel safer," the man reassured him, "But you have to come inside now. Can't stay out here all night, or you'll freeze."
He placed his hands on the boy's shoulders, and almost as if he were in a trance, Eren allowed himself to be guided out of the car, though his steps were stiff as he walked towards the elevator. A short ride later and they were in the lobby, Eren continuing to clutch his blanket, keeping his nose buried in the soft fabric. His new surroundings flooded his senses; blindingly white walls broken up by occasional beiges and grays, beeps of pagers going off, the distant screams down the hall, the mixture of strange faces in the waiting room…it was too much. It threatened to overwhelm the boy. There were too many strangers, too many noises and too much new stimuli to take in at once. Eren began to feel dizzy and sick, threatening to drop in a faint in the lobby. His empty stomach only contributed to his dizziness, and he could feel himself swaying. Shaking, he took several deep breaths and clutched at his blanket tightly, calling up his mantra and repeating it over and over in his head.
Safe, safe, warm, happiness. Fields, mountains, deer, violets, castles, Levi. Love, safe, Levi, Levi, Levi…Levi, I love you, please help me, get me out of here. I want to go home, I want to go home so bad…
One of the transporters left them to admit Eren and speak with the lady at the front desk, while the other stayed with Eren, but he was no comfort to him. He clutched his blanket like a lifeline, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing more tears out, trying to block out some of the stimulus and calm himself. Within a few minutes though, the transporter was ushering him in out of the lobby and into a hallway, the process sped up by the fact that all of Eren's files had been transferred the night before. The boy could barely see anything through his tears though, and was so scared that he could barely move. He jumped when he heard one patient cry out in their room, and another start struggling and cursing the nurses that were helping them. Eren whimpered, chanting his mantra in his head some more, repeating Levi's name over and over again until he caught himself whispering it out loud. He then bit his lip, and instead let tears flow silently down his cheeks, following the transporter and the nurse that led them obediently.
Eventually, they stopped by a room, and the nurse explained, "This is room he's been assigned to. His roommate will come later. You're a little late for dinner, but they told me you haven't eaten all day, so we'll have something sent up to you while you unpack your things. Before you do that though, we'll have to inspect your bags, alright?"
Eren didn't reply to her. He simply ambled into the bedroom and sat despondently on the bed, curling in on himself once more. He didn't acknowledge the fact that the transporters bid him goodbye and good luck, or the staff that began searching through his bags in front of him. He didn't move until they brought him a warm meal and the smell made his stomach growl harshly. He knew he should eat, that he felt quite weak and that this would revive him, but he still felt as if he were betraying Levi by eating something that the man hadn't made him. This was a ridiculous thought of course, as he could only imagine that Levi would be horrified and scold him for not eating all day, but it was still there. Nonetheless, he listened to the Levi in his head that told him he should eat and keep his strength up, and slowly began to chew his offered dinner.
"Tomorrow morning you'll go see the psychologist and they'll evaluate you," the nurse who remained explained, "And then we'll see if we need to put you on any meds. Are you on any meds now, Eren?"
"Lexapro and melotonin," Eren mumbled after swallowing his bite.
"Ah, I see," she said, "Well, we'll see if your dose needs to be changed or if we need to put you on different medication. For now, after you finish, I'll take your plates and then it's lights off, alright?"
The boy nodded apathetically, not even tasting what he ate; all he got from his dinner was that his stomach no longer pained him when he finished. Soon enough, he was unpacking his things away while the nurse took his plate, the closing of every drawer like a death knell to his heart. He already hated how this place smelled as well; it wasn't bad, it was just too different from home, a slight tinge of antiseptic in the air, and he wrinkled his nose in distaste. Soon enough, he was being guided in to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and was very confused when the nurse remained with him.
"I know how to brush my teeth by myself," he told her.
"I'm sorry Eren, but we're required to follow you everywhere you go in here," she explained.
"Are you going to follow me when I have to take a shit too?" Eren joked, but she simply answered the affirmative, and Eren shook his head, slightly horrified, and brushed his teeth in silence.
Soon enough, he was led back to his room and left to undress and go to bed. Once the door was shut, he did so, before turning the lights off and sliding into his new bed. After a moment of laying in it, he decided he hated it too. The mattress was far too hard for his tastes, and the plush quilts he was used to at home, the quilts that brought him so much comfort and kept him so warm during the winter, weren't here. They were instead were replaced with thin, scratchy standard issue hospital blankets that smelled funny. He sighed, and after he pulled the blankets over himself, he grabbed his blanket from home and placed it over himself as well, pulling it up to his neck and burying his nose in it again. He also grabbed the scented pillow he had brought and held that up to his nose briefly as well. Taking a deep breath, his sinuses were flooded with balsam, and his mind took him back road trips with the windows down, make-out sessions near the forest, and late nights watching the fireflies in the fields. Bringing the blanket back to his nose again, he thought of late night movies and popcorn, mornings in front of the woodstove, and hugs from behind followed up by kisses on the nose.
For the hundredth time that day, Eren felt tears prick his eyes as he realized that wrapping this blanket around himself was probably the closest he was going to get to a hug from Levi during his stay here. And who knew how long he would be stuck here. Months? Years? God, he didn't know how he was going to last a month here, let alone a year. One night was proving difficult enough.
Eren shivered, trying not to think about his current circumstances, instead breathing in the scent of home and pretending he was there. If he really concentrated, he could block out the unfamiliar noises of the hospital that were setting him so on edge and pretend he could hear the roaring of the woodstove, the blowing of the wind against the house, and the murmuring of Levi's voice, telling him how beautiful and special he was. Eren's tears flowed faster, and he began to tremble, more desperate than he had ever been all day for Levi's presence to comfort him. He was alone, and it was dark in a strange place, and he found himself wanting his protector so badly that it ached. He was so scared that he could feel his dinner churning around in his insides. He pulled the blanket around himself a little tighter, pretending they were Levi's arms squeezing him securely.
"Please," he begged to the darkness, "Please let me go to sleep and wake up at home. I just want this all to be a bad dream. I'll do anything, just let me wake up at home. I can't do this. I can't do this, I can't be brave, Levi. I can't do it. I need you. I love you."
He sobbed softly, holding his incense pillow to his chest and again wishing he had been allowed to have his pendant so he could look at it and see Levi's special message to him, his request for Eren to fight no matter what. If he could see that, maybe it would inspire him to get through the night to start with, and then to get through his time at Hutchings with his head held high.
"I love you," he continued to murmur, "And I know I'm here, but my heart is with you at home. I'm right there with you, Levi. I'm in bed with you right now at home. Don't be scared of the dark, because I'm there to protect you. You're safe. I won't let your bad dreams hurt you."
Eren kept talking to Levi as if he were there for as long as he could, comforting the man as if he was right beside him because it comforted him too. It made him feel more normal, and the more he did it, the more he could pretend that the spot next to the bed wasn't empty, but that Levi was curled right up in his arms. And eventually, his emotional exhaustion caught up with him and pulled him into a light sleep, his prayers to wake up in Levi's arms and his comforts to the man on his lips as he did so. His subconscious even took pity on him and plunged him into a sweet dream where he was lying in bed with Levi, curled around the other man and nosing him playfully while Levi grumbled sleepily. But all it took was a few kisses in his hair and Levi was sighing happily, his breath warm against Eren's chest and his arms securely around the boy's waist.
It was so peaceful and perfect, and a far cry from the nightmare Eren was about to enter into.
A/N: Hey guys! I am soooo sorry this chapter took so long, school is literally trying to kill me. So unfortunately updates will be kind of sporadic, but I'll try to keep it more often than once a month. But anyway, we're kind of entering the downward slide of this fic, because all that's left will be Eren's time at Hutchings and then an epilogue, but we've still got a bunch more chapters to go, so fear not. Anyway chapter title means "there with you" and this chapter was inspired mostly by "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge and "I Found" by Amber Run.