Streets of Love
Chapter 25: The Five Stages of Grief
The next morning, Matthew felt worlds better. He felt so good, in fact, that he was going to make breakfast for Kelly. However, when he turned to look at Kelly, he saw that she was already gone from the bed.
He glanced at the clock, and saw that it was after ten thirty. He yawned, then got up, and headed out of the bedroom. He found Kelly in the kitchen, dishing out breakfast. She had already made it. He was happy to see two plates instead of just one for herself.
Kelly turned to him when she saw him. "Good morning! Feeling any better?" she asked.
Matthew nodded. "Much better, thanks to you."
"Well, it is more thanks to the medicine I gave you, I'm sure," Kelly said modestly. She turned back to dishing out breakfast.
"Still, I was too sick to even get the medicine myself. Also, your letting me sleep in the bed helped a lot too," Matthew insisted.
"Are you hungry for a full breakfast?" Kelly asked, ignoring his last comment completely.
Matthew knew it was best not to push her. "Yes, please. I've finally got my appetite back. I guess I must have just had a twenty-four hour bug or something."
"I'm glad you're feeling better. I wouldn't wish being sick on anyone. It's a terrible feeling," Kelly said noncommittally.
"Yeah, it is," Matthew agreed. He was glad she was glad even if she tried to cover it up by making it non personal.
"Will you pour the juices please?" she asked.
"Sure." Matthew took out two glasses, and poured orange juice into them. "This is the last of it. We'll have to get more," he said, tossing the empty carton into the recycling bin.
"I'm going out today anyway. I'll pick up the groceries on my way home," Kelly said.
"I'm going to pick out the new pullout today. Would you like to come along and help pick it out?" Matthew asked hopefully.
"That's okay. I have other plans for today. You pick it out. I'm sure you'll pick out a good one. We basically have the same taste anyway. Grab the juices, would ya?" With that, Kelly, took the two plates, and headed into the dining room.
Matthew sighed, and followed behind her.
They ate in silence for a moment, then Matthew decided to ask her where she was going. "So, what are your plans for today?" he asked her.
Kelly looked at him. "Well, I have a meeting, and then I'm going out to lunch with Eve. Thomas and his father have gone on a father son camping trip, and so Eve and I thought we'd get together and have lunch. Maybe do a little shopping afterwards."
Matthew wondered what the meeting was for, but he figured she'd have told him if she wanted him to know. Besides, at least she hadn't told him it was none of his business, which had been her usual reply, as of late.
"Will you be home for dinner?" he asked.
"I don't know, why?" she asked, moving her food around her plate with her fork.
"Well, I just thought it might be nice to have dinner together. We haven't had dinner together in a while," Matthew said calmly.
She was quiet for a moment, and he thought she wasn't going to reply. Then, she looked at him. "I suppose." She went back to her food, and finished her breakfast and her juice two minutes later.
Matthew finished his while she had finished hers.
He then stood up. "I'll clear the table since you made breakfast. I'll let you get ready for your meeting."
She looked him in the eyes. "Thank you."
He nodded. "Don't mention it. Thank you for breakfast!"
She gave him a slight smile, then surprised him with a kiss on his cheek. Then, she left the kitchen.
Matthew smiled to himself. She was coming around. He was relieved to say the least!
He gathered the dishes, and brought them all to the kitchen. He then rinsed them all off, and put them in the dishwasher. He closed the dishwasher door, then headed out into the living room to wait for Kelly to finish getting ready. He didn't want to push it by going into the bedroom when she was getting ready. She had never told him he couldn't, but the way she had been acting toward him lately—not counting the night before or today—he had figured he'd better not.
However, when he passed by the hallway, he noticed she was standing outside the nursery, looking in. Tears were running down her cheeks, and she sniffled.
He watched her wipe her nose with the back of her hand before she headed into their bedroom, and shut the door behind her.
He sighed. Seeing all of Adrianna's things must still break her heart. He had an idea then. While Kelly was gone, he'd get everything out of there. He could have the stuff donated to someone in need.
He smiled. Having the bad memories gone from the room was sure to make her feel better.
He actually hoped Kelly stayed away a while today. He was eager to start his project.
~I walk the streets of love~
"I am finally realizing what the five stages of grief are. I think I skipped over the first phase. I was in no denial that Helena couldn't ever walk again. I was so pessimistic that she couldn't walk ever again, even though the doctors said she might be able to. Then again, I supposed I was in denial about blaming Matthew at first. Then, seeing my daughter so heartbroken..." Kelly trailed off.
"You needed someone to blame," Bree, her therapists stated.
Kelly nodded. "I did. Blaming myself certainly wasn't an option. I'd die if I blamed myself. So, I put the blame on the person my hurt and confused brain thought was the most responsible. Matthew just happened to be it since he was supposed to the one watching her. Then my brain kept giving me reasons to blame him. He should have been watching her, but he was too worried about a stupid toy for his real daughter instead. Then it made me start thinking he didn't care enough about Helena because she wasn't his blood. Then, when I lost the baby, it gave me even more to blame him for. If he had been watching Helena like he should have been, she never would have gotten hit by the taxi, I'd never have been stressed, and then I never would have lost the baby. It made me even more angry with the thought of it all happening because Helena wasn't his blood. Then, when he told me that, had I not pawned Helena off on him instead of bringing her with me, and had I not let myself get so upset and stressed, Helena would still be walking, and I'd still have the baby. That made me want to blame Matthew all the more, so my mind didn't have to entertain the thought that he could be right. Maybe it was all my fault," Kelly explained.
"But it wasn't your fault, anymore than is was his. I'm sure he was only trying to put the blame on you because you were trying to put it on him. It's a natural reaction," Bree reasoned.
Kelly sighed. "Oh, I know he didn't mean it. He even told me right after he was just trying to show me how ridiculous I was being by blaming him. Even so, his words still stung."
"You mentioned earlier about skipping over stage one. Another part of stage one besides denial is isolation. You isolated yourself from the man you love," Bree pointed out.
Kelly nodded. "I suppose it wasn't a good thing to do. I need him the most now, and I just can't help pushing him away anyway. Stage two has sunk in too deep."
"Anger," Bree stated.
Kelly nodded. "I'm finally just starting to get past it, but it's not easy. Matthew was sick last night, and I took care of him. I even fed him, and let him sleep in the same bad with me again."
Bree raised an eyebrow. "Do you think you'll let him back in your bed for good?"
Kelly shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. He's getting a new pullout today. I was wondering to myself earlier if I was going to make him sleep in it. It actually felt kind of nice to have him in my arms again at night. Not that I'd ever admit that to him."
"Well, I think it's a good thing that Matthew was sick. It pushed you a little bit to set aside your anger. Didn't it feel good to set it aside even for just a little while?" Bree asked.
Kelly sighed. "It did. In fact, I don't even know if I'm still angry with him. I know deep down it wasn't his fault. I just don't want to have to blame myself."
"It wasn't your fault, Kelly. It was no one's fault. Things like this just happen in life sometimes. As hard as it is to look at it as a good thing, I think you should start concentrating on the good instead of dwelling on the bad. Helena will more than likely walk again, according to the doctor. She didn't die. She is alive, and doing well other than her legs. You have a husband that loves and supports you. He wants to be there for you. You just have to let him, and remember, it could have just as easily have happened to you as it did to him," Bree stated.
Kelly nodded. "I know," she whispered. The tears welled up in her eyes then. "I'm not the praying kind at all usually, but recently, I found myself praying to God to just let everything work out. I prayed for Him to let Helena walk again, and for Him to help me to let go of the anger. I guess that was my bargaining stage. It didn't last long. I was just starting to feel better when today, I passed by the nursery we had set up for Adrianna. It was my first time looking in there since losing her. I hadn't had any desire to look before, but today, on my way to my bedroom to change, I decided to look. I opened the door, and looked in. Seeing all the beautiful things we bought for her that she'll never be able to use... Let's just say it set off stage four—depression."
Bree handed Kelly a tissue.
"Thanks," Kelly said, blowing her nose.
"Well, the way I see it, there's only one stage left to go," Bree stated matter-of-factly.
"Acceptance," Kelly stated.
Bree nodded, then raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you think you can do that?"
Kelly shrugged. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try."
Bree handed her a couple more tissues. "Our time is just about up. Your homework for today, and until our next session, is for you to try to patch things up with your husband. Playing the blame game isn't helping anyone—especially not yourself."
Kelly sighed, then used one tissue to blow her nose, and the other two dab her eyes and nose. "I can do that. I want to try to fix things too. I know it wasn't fair to blame him."
"Just remember, Kelly that it's not your fault either. It's no one's fault. The sooner as you begin to accept that, the sooner, you will heal," Bree reasoned.
Kelly nodded.
"Well, our time is up. I will see you on Friday at our usual time," Bree said, standing up.
Kelly stood up as well. "Thank you. I'm kind of eager to go home and patch things up with my husband now. Or at least try to. I have lunch with a friend first, so I guess I'm gonna have to wait!" She smiled.
Bree nodded. "You do that!" She then smiled. "It's good to see you smiling again, Kelly."
Kelly smiled even bigger. "It's good to be smiling again, Bree,"
Bree winked at her, the smile still on her face. She then led Kelly to the door.
"See you Friday. Goodbye for now, and thank you," Kelly said as she left the office.
Bree nodded. "You're very welcome, Kelly. I'm always glad to help. Goodbye. Have a great day."
"Thanks you too," Kelly said.
"Thanks!" Bree said, before heading back into her office, and closing the door behind her.
Kelly sighed, then smiled. She just hoped Matthew would be willing to forgive her for the way she had been treating him.
~I walk the streets of love~
Matthew hadn't gotten to choosing the new pullout yet, but it was okay. He had been too busy getting the nursery emptied, and the things they had bought for Adrianna, shipped off and donated. He had even gone out and bought some white paint, then white washed the walls, taking away the baby pink and Victorian pattern that the walls had been painted specifically for Adrianna's nursery.
He had then taken a nap in the bed, and when he heard Kelly come home, he quickly ran out to greet her. "Hello, my Darling." He kissed her cheek, and was glad to see her smile at him instead of push him away.
She smiled. "Hello!" She kissed his cheek in return.
"I have a surprise for you," he said.
She raised an eyebrow as she headed into the kitchen to put the groceries away. "The new pullout?"
He shook his head. "Better!" He headed for the nursery. "Follow me," he ordered, looking over his shoulder.
Kelly was hesitant at first when she saw where he was headed, then slowly made her way behind him, leaving the groceries on the counter.
When he got to the nursery, he opened the door, then stepped inside. "Voilà! I saw how sad it made you, looking in this room earlier, so I decided to get everything out of there, and donated to charity. Also, I painted the walls myself. Now, you don't have to have any bad memories when you pass this room." He grinned proudly, but his grin soon faltered when he saw the look of sadness on Kelly's face.
She looked at him. "So I'm just supposed to forget all about Adrianna since I miscarried? She was still my daughter, and I still loved her whether I was able to carry her to term or not! Now I have nothing left of Adriana. No memories at all! Taking this stuff out can't take away the bad memories!" Kelly said. The tears welled up in her eyes, and she ran into the bedroom, sobbing.
Matthew sighed. He felt like such a jerk. He should have thought about it from this angle. It had never occurred to him that maybe Kelly had wanted the room that way to remember Adrianna by.
With another sigh, he headed toward the living room. Every time he and Kelly seemed to be patching things up, he'd do something to upset her again. This time, he supposed she had the right to be upset. In fact, maybe he had just been fooling himself all along. Maybe she did have the right to blame him for everything else too. After all, he should have been watching Helena better. He plopped down on the uncomfortable pullout, and then lay down, hugging one of the couch pillows. What had he done?
~I walk the streets of love~
Kelly had wanted to make up with Matthew, she really did. But she just couldn't get rid of the anger yet. She supposed, deep down, she knew he had just wanted to be nice when taking down the nursery. But it still hurt her. It was like Adrianna meant nothing to him since she hadn't been born alive. It was as if he thought they should forget all about her, and move on.
No, she wasn't ready to forgive him yet. So, that night, she had gone without dinner. She had locked herself in the bedroom, not willing to look at, or even talk to Matthew. Surprisingly, she hadn't heard a peep from him. He hadn't tried to get in. Now that it was morning, she was starving. She took a shower, and got dressed, then came out of her bedroom. She had to anyway, to pick up the kids.
When she got out of the bedroom, she saw that Matthew was gone. She wondered if he had gone to a hotel the night before. That would explain why she hadn't heard him last night. Then again, she didn't hear him leave either. Unless he did when she was sleeping.
Then, she found the note. It was on the pullout.
Kel, I went out for a bit. I wanted to get some breakfast, and then go for a walk to clear my head. I'll be back shortly. Love, M.
She sighed. Well, at least he had left a note. On the other hand, he hadn't even tried to apologize to her for the whole nursery thing. The pullout was still the same. She wondered why he had never gotten a new one. Maybe it wasn't really all that uncomfortable, and he had just used it as a ploy to get back into her bed. Or, he didn't get a new pullout because he assumed he could keep sleeping in her bed now.
She narrowed her eyes, and crumpled up the note at the thought. Either way would be just like him!
She tossed the note in the trash, then got herself some breakfast before leaving to go pick up the kids from their father's.
~I walk the streets of love~
Matthew came back after lunchtime. Helena was taking a nap, and Hermés was painting a picture on his little easel that was just his height.
"Hey, Buddy! That's pretty good! A monster truck?" Matthew asked. The kid had talent—he'd give him that!
Hermés smiled at him. "There's a monster truck show in a couple of weeks. Will you take me?"
Matthew laughed. "Sure! Why not? Sounds like fun." He smiled and winked at Hermés.
Hermés smiled and winked too.
"You're not going to take him. He's my son. I'll be the one taking him," Kelly said, coming into the room then.
Matthew stood up, for he had been crouching next to Hermés. "Come on, Kel. Don't be like that. You know you'd be bored out of your mind at one of those things. Let him go with someone who will be interested in it."
"Then, he can go with his father. He doesn't need you," Kelly said snottily.
"But I want to go with Matthew!" Hermés protested.
"There's no reason your father can't take you. Matthew has other things to do that day," Kelly stated.
Matthew wanted to tell Hermés the truth. He did not have other things to do. But, he didn't want to fight with Kelly in front of Hermés, so he let it go. Even so, he couldn't be in the same place as Kelly right now if he wasn't going to argue with her.
He headed to the door, and slipped his shoes on.
"Where are you going?" Kelly asked.
"Anywhere but here," Matthew grumbled.
Just then, Hermés accidentally spilled the paint. "Uh oh."
Kelly gasped. "Hermés! You have to be more careful!" She ran to get a rag just as Helena woke up crying.
Kelly cried out in frustration. "Ugh!" She turned to Matthew. "Will you please help him clean this up while I go see why Helena is crying?"
Matthew winced, and shook his head. "You see, I would, but it's like you said—he's not my real son." With that, he turned on his heel, and left.
As he headed down the street, he felt a little bad. He hoped Hermés hadn't taken what he had said, or the fact that he wouldn't help him to heart. It's just that he was so angry with Kelly for what she had said, that he had wanted to shoot it back in her face, so he did.
He grinned to himself as he continued walking. And he had fun doing it too!
~I walk the streets of love~
Naama had been nice enough to let him take Aven to dinner and the park even though it wasn't his turn to have her. However, once he brought Aven back to Naama's, he knew he should be heading back home.
He stopped by his favorite bar along the way and had two drinks, then headed back home. He wasn't drunk, but he was now calm enough to be able to handle Kelly's bitchiness that was sure to greet him.
However, when he came home, Kelly was busy helping Hermés get ready for bed. He heard Helena crying in her room, and he went to see what was wrong.
"What's wrong, Baby girl? Why are you so sad today?" he asked her.
Helena sniffled. "I can't walk. Everyone else can walk, but I can't!"
It broke Matthew's heart. He was feeling like it really was his fault now.
"That's not true," he said, gently stroking her hair. "A lot of people can't walk. Other people get into accidents like you did. Some people are even missing their legs. So, at least you still have your legs! You know what you'd look like without them?" Matthew then got onto his knees on the floor, and tried to walk on them. "I don't have legs!" he said.
Helena giggled. "You're silly, Matthew!"
Matthew grinned, and stood back up. Then, he sat down next to Helena, and gently stroked her cheek. "But I got you to stop crying, and smile." He smiled at her, and winked.
Helena grinned.
He kissed her a cheek. "Are you supposed to be sleeping?"
"I'm waiting for Mommy to come tuck me in," she informed him. "Will you sing me a song?" she then asked.
Matthew smiled. He had sung her to sleep many times. She loved it when he sang. He kissed the top of her head. "Of course, Princess. What do you want me to sing?"
Helena sighed, and closed her eyes. "Anything."
The first thing that came to Matthew's mind was a song he had heard the other day in the store when shopping. It wasn't something he would normally listen to by any means, but the lyrics had made him think of Helena, so he had jotted down the lyrics on his iphone, and found out which song it was. It was a Backstreet Boys' song, "What Makes You Different Makes You Beautiful." He had gone home and learned the song when he was the only one home, and planned on singing it to Helena. He had never gotten to it, and now was the perfect opportunity, he figured. So, with a gentle stroke of Helena's hair, he began the mid-tempo song.
"You don't run with the crowd. You go your own way. You don't play after dark. You light up my day. Got your own kind of style that sets you apart. Baby, that's why you captured my heart. I know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in, and this world doesn't know what you have within. When I look at you, I see something rare, a rose that can grow anywhere. And there's no one I know that can compare."
He continued to stroke Helena's hair as she opened her eyes, and looked at him.
"What makes you different, makes you beautiful. What's there inside you, shines through to me. In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need. You're all I need, oh girl.
What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got something so real. You touched me so deep. You see material things don't matter to me.
So come as you are. You've got nothing to prove. You won me with all that you do, and I wanna take this chance to say to you..."
She closed her eyes, but he knew she was still listening.
"What makes you different, makes you beautiful. What's there inside you, shines through to me. In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need. You're all I need, oh girl.
What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me. You don't know how you touched my life oh in so many ways I just can't describe. You taught me what love is supposed to be. It's all the little things that make you beautiful to me. Oh yeah, yeah. What makes you, what makes you different, makes you beautiful. What's there inside you, shines through to me. In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need. You're all I need, oh Girl. What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me. Everything you do is beautiful. Love you give shines right through to me. Everything you do is beautiful. Oh, you're beautiful to me."
He finished the song, and he knew by then that Helena was asleep. He kissed her little cheek, and tucked her in. He then gave her hair one last stroke. "Goodnight, my little Princess. I love you." He then got up to leave, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Kelly standing there, watching him.
"I want to talk to you in the bedroom now that the kids are both in bed," she said.
Matthew nodded. He couldn't tell by her tone, or even the expression on her face if she was angry, but something told him that this was the talk that could make or break their relationship. He just hoped it wasn't the latter.
~I walk the streets of love~
Kelly kissed Helena goodnight, which woke Helena just long enough to give Kelly a hug and a kiss goodnight. Then, Kelly closed Helena's door, and went into the bedroom to wait for Matthew. She had seen he had stopped by quickly to wish Hermés goodnight.
Matthew got into the bedroom, and sat down on the bed. He sighed. "Kel, before you say anything, I wanna say I'm sorry—for everything. I should have thought about you wanting the nursery in tact. It's just that... When I saw you looking at the nursery, looking so sad, I thought that if I made it not look like a nursery anymore, you wouldn't be sad. I wasn't trying to say we shouldn't still remember Adrianna, or that we shouldn't love her. I love her with all my heart, and it tears me up inside that we never got to meet her. I wasn't trying to get rid of all memories of her. I just...I just didn't want you to be sad, so I thought that getting rid of the nursery would help with that," Matthew explained softly.
Kelly was quiet for a moment. She didn't want to start crying again. She realized when she had eavesdropped on Matthew and Helena's conversation, and on the song he had sang to her, that she had been so very wrong to blame him for anything. None of it was his fault. It wasn't her fault either. It was no one's fault. By blaming him, it had just made things so much worse than they needed to be. She then spoke in a tired, and drained voice. "I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you about it earlier. You were just trying to do something nice. Heck, maybe it is a good thing to get it out of here. I was just shocked."
Matthew sighed. "Every time I try to make things right, I just end up screwing it all up. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. All I've done is made you miserable. You were right all along. I should have waited on the toys until we were home. Helena's only three. Three-year-olds wander. Having one of my own, I should have known that. I mean, especially since we live in New York, and taxis are running up and down the streets all the time! What had I been thinking? Helena is paralyzed because of me. I mean, it's not because I don't love her as my own. I do so much! It was just because of my stupidity. Because of my not thinking. Then it lead to you getting stressed, and losing our baby. I feel like I murdered my own child." He started sobbing then. "I hate myself for it! I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, Kel, but can you please forgive me anyway?" He looked up at her and sniffled. "I can't live without you!" He looked away then. "Then again, maybe living without you is what I deserve."
Kelly had tears in her eyes herself. Had she really made him feel that way? That is was all his fault? That he didn't deserve her? She suddenly felt ashamed of herself. How dare she treat him like that? Her own husband, who had done nothing but love and support her? "Oh, Matthew, if anyone needs forgiveness, it's me for treating you the way that I have been treating you! I know it wasn't your fault. I was just afraid that if I didn't blame you, I'd have to blame myself. Then you brought up all those good points like I should have invited Helena to join Eve, Thomas, Hermés, and me instead of just tossing her aside, and how I let myself get too stressed when I should have remained calm for Adrianna. I made myself hate you even more so that I wouldn't blame myself, because I knew what you were saying was partially true."
Matthew turned to face her. "I only said those things to get back at you for what you said to me. I didn't mean them! You were being a good mother! What little girl wants to go to a museum to look at boy things, and then go see a boy movie with her brother and his male friend? A time with her female friend would be much more fun to her. Also, you wouldn't be human if you didn't get stressed over what happened to Helena."
"Well, what parent doesn't look away from their kid once in a while? You were on a sidewalk, so who was to think about Helena running off? I might have done the same thing. I know you were just trying to be nice, getting their toys to work for them. I also know you love Helena like your own. I was just looking for a way to hurt you, so I said stupid, hurtful things that I knew there was no truth to, but would hurt you just the same," Kelly admitted. "And, as for me losing Adrianna, it was no one's fault. It happens to a lot of women."
"I missed you so much, Kel. Can we just forget our whole argument period ever happened, and just enjoy the fact that Helena is alive, and we have each other for comfort to help each other get through losing our baby?" Matthew asked.
Kelly nodded. "I want that more than you know, my Love." She ran over to Matthew, and kissed him passionately on the lips.
He moaned, and kissed her in return. "It feels so good to kiss you again," he murmured.
She brushed her lips against his right ear. "I bet I can think of other things that will feel even better."
He raised an eyebrow at her. "You mean?"
She grinned and nodded. "After all, you didn't get the new pullout. I can't have my sexy husband sleeping on it tonight, now can I?" She then brushed her lips against his ear again. "Make love to me, Matthew. It's been far too long."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
She nodded."Please?" She looked at him pleadingly.
"As I always tell you," he said, "you never have to beg." He then picked her up, and kissed her some more as he lay her on the bed.
Soon, they were undressing each other, then making love.
Kelly closed her eyes, and enjoyed the feel of having her husband back in her life, and back in her bed. She vowed them, to never let him out of either ever again. And this time, she was going to see to it that her vow came true.
~I walk the streets of love~
Matthew held his sleeping wife in his arms. He kissed the top of her head. He could hardly believe they had patched things up just like that. He sent a silent prayer of thanks to God, because to him, it was nothing short of a miracle.
He stroked her hair, and held her closer. She was so beautiful—even more so when she slept. Her beauty wasn't just on the outside either. It seeped in all the way to her bones.
Gosh, I'm so lucky! he thought.
He kissed the top of her head once more, then rested a leg over her body, and the arm to go with it. He wanted to hold her all night long so that he knew he wasn't dreaming. It was that moment that he vowed to never let anything come between them again—ever. After all, it was like he had told Kelly, he couldn't live without her.