A/N: Okay guys. I know I said this chapter was going to be posted a few days ago, sorry. But…tada! To make up for the delay, I'm posting two chapters! AND YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the next one! Let's just say its what you've been waiting for.

Alright guys, one more piece Bella needs to solve the puzzle her life has become. Next chapter is decision time.

Almost there. I promise.

Thanks to my betas, ADGroovy and Danna0724.

All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, except my little Gabby, who's probably going through some issues of herself right now!

Chapter 26 - Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Unwell, Matchbox 20

BPOV

Emmett and Jasper took me home in Jasper's black Ferrari, which they'd driven here tonight, along with Edward. I assumed Edward would either catch a ride with Rose and Alice in the red Beetle or run home tonight. Yeah, he'd probably end up running.

Most of the ride home was quiet, except for the occasional joke by Emmett. He seemed to be exceptionally proud of himself over some practical joke he'd played this morning. Something about signs and leash laws; it was hard to decipher because he took to speaking at vampire speed whenever he'd mention it. I gave up trying to understand, and felt myself growing drowsy; Emmett and Jasper's voices becoming a low hum in the background as my eyelids began to droop. Halfway home though, I was pulled out from my semi-conscious state by Jasper's smooth, southern drawl, which sounded more alert and purposeful than it had so far during our ride..

"Think we're far enough away from him now?" he asked Emmett.

"Yeah, I think so," Emmett responded in a strangely subdued tone as he stared out the window.

"Bella darlin', there somethin' me and Emmett here kinda wanted to talk to you about tonaat." I noticed how his drawl kicked in more when he appeared to be nervous.

"Sure. Go ahead," I encouraged, sitting up straighter.

Jasper took a deep breath. "Well, you know how you've been wantin' to know what was goin' on with Edward while he was gone?"

I nodded, getting the distinct feeling that Jasper and Emmett were done playing jokesters for the night.

"It's not a pretty story," he warned, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Jasper please." I begged. "I have to know."

Jasper turned to look at me, apparently still debating with himself whether to give me the story or not, even though that was obviously what this whole ride was about. He watched me for a few seconds, and even though his eyes were off the road the whole time, I wasn't scared. He nodded once, apparently making a decision, and moved his eyes back to the road.

"Bella," he began, "When Edward left, Emmett and I, as well as the rest of our family, were sure he'd come back to you within a matter of weeks, if not days.

I grunted, turning my face towards my window to hide the tears that were smarting at the corners of my eyes. "Yes, so did I; at first," I agreed.

"Needless to say," he continued, "we all underestimated his level of control. Or more accurately, the level at which he could continue to punish himself."

I grunted again.

"After a few weeks, it started to become obvious to all of us that as much pain as he was in, as much as he was suffering, he had no intentions of returning." My tears began to fall slowly down my cheeks. I kept my face turned to the window and said nothing.

"He was restless; always in a bad mood. He kept to himself and would quickly jump on any of us if we so much as mentioned him coming back to you." I flinched in my seat. "He was obsessed with the idea that he wasn't safe for you, and that the only way for you to be safe and happy was for him to keep his distance." I wiped away my tears but kept my eyes trained on the blurring landscape outside the warm car. "After a few weeks though, even that wasn't enough for him. You see, he hadn't forgotten what had happened with James, or the fact that Victoria was still out there somewhere." Involuntarily, my heart rate increased at the mention of the red-headed vampire's name. "Even though the rest of us tried to convince him that Victoria posed no danger to you, that she was most likely half way around the world and had all but forgotten what happened in Forks and Phoenix, he was convinced he had to find her, just in case."

My head quickly shot around to Jasper. "What?"

It was Emmett that answered me from the back seat. "We tried to stop him Bella. We all thought it was ridiculous. That Edward was losing his mind. I mean, if you would've seen him those first few months after he left, you'd understand why we felt that way. He wasn't the same Edward he was with you. He wasn't even the same Edward he'd been before you. But he wouldn't listen to any of us. He was convinced he had to find her and kill her. He was like a man driven by only one thought, one desire, to kill Victoria."

My eyes grew wide with amazement. I'd had no idea Victoria had even crossed Edward's mind while he was gone, much less that he'd thought of hunting her.

Jasper picked up the story. "He left us one morning, saying he was going to track Victoria. Carlisle and Esme were frantic, but they knew there was no stoppin' him. They made him promise to call if there were any problems, if he needed any help. He agreed reluctantly and left with barely a goodbye for any of us. By that time, he hadn't looked at any of us in the eye for weeks. The girls had a hard time of it when he left, especially my Alice. She still couldn't believe he'd go through all that and yet refuse to go back to you."

"Where did he go?" I asked, barely able to form the words.

"Well, he'd call in every few weeks to check in. Mostly the mid-western states," Emmett responded. "He was always frustrated, angry. Apparently Victoria had a gift for escaping." I nodded my head quickly, knowing this already, because she'd escaped the Jake and the rest of the pack on more than one occasion. "He complained that whenever he thought he had her, she'd manage to evade him somehow." Emmett paused, stealing a glance at Jasper, as if wondering if he should continue.

"What is it?" I asked after a long stretch of silence.

Jasper hesitated before continuing now. "It was more than just his anger and frustration at not being able to catch Victoria." He cleared his throat. "We were worried about him Bella. He didn't sound right anymore. I mean, yes, he'd been different since he left you, but…"

"But what?" I prompted eagerly.

"But with every passing phone call, he sounded more and more…confused."

"What do you mean 'confused'?" I asked.

"What he means is," Emmett picked up, "he didn't make too much sense sometimes." I turned my whole body around to face Emmett, quirking my head and furrowing my brows in question. "He'd say things like 'She stays with me at night but she leaves by morning', or 'She was walking down the street but she wouldn't stop for me'."

I still didn't understand.

"At first we thought he was talking about Victoria; about seeing her and then losing her," said Emmett. "But then he'd say things like 'if she'll just stay with me, it'll be okay,' and it just didn't make sense. Why would he want Victoria to stay with him? If we asked him what he was talking about, he'd go quiet and then just hang up."

"Needless to say," Jasper went on, "Esme was beside herself with worry."

My heart constricted as I imagined how poor Esme must've been through this. My mind went to my dad, who'd had to watch me almost lose my mind after Edward left.

"We'd convinced Carlisle to let us go look for Edward one morning, when a phone call stopped us," Jasper continued. "It was Edward. He sounded more alive and excited than he had in a long while. He said he'd been able to trace Victoria to Rio, in Brazil."

My eyes grew wide as I understood that this must have been what Tanya had been referring to when she'd mentioned Edward had been to Brazil. I felt a stab of pain in my heart and shame coloring my face when I remembered I'd pictured him dancing with half-naked girls on a beach, not chasing a deranged vampire half-way around the world to kill her in the hopes of keeping me safe at home.

"He sounded confident," Jasper confided, "that he had her cornered now. We asked him if he needed us to come help him and he assured us that he had everythin' under control. 'I have everything I need' he said. 'She'll keep me safe.' 'Who'll keep you safe Edward?' Carlisle asked him, but he just stayed quiet and promised to call again soon before quickly hangin' up."

Emmett spoke now. "We didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks after that. We were worried of course, because we thought he would've contacted us by then if he had indeed caught up to Victoria. And we were concerned about who exactly he'd been referring to when he said 'she'll keep me safe.' As far as we knew, he'd been travelling alone. The Denali sisters hadn't heard from him, and we couldn't imagine who he'd been talking about."

My throat began to feel tight, and my pulse quickened. I could feel myself shaking in my seat. The fear that he'd been travelling with another woman was somehow overshadowed by a bigger fear I couldn't quite put a finger on; a fear that whatever Edward had been referring to was much worse than a female companion I couldn't even picture.

"You okay there Bella?" Jasper asked, glancing towards me with a worried frown. I simply nodded. He reached out and squeezed my hand, like I imagined a big brother would do to comfort me if I had one. "Relax," he spoke in a soothing tone. "I can feel your anxiety."

I suddenly felt myself relaxing, and I smiled at him in gratitude. But I just wanted to hear the rest of what happened. "Please Jasper. Continue," I urged. Jasper pursed his lips, but went on.

"Carlisle began to make a few phone calls to acquaintances of his in South America, to see if anyone had seen or heard from Edward, or Victoria for that matter. No one had heard anythin'. As far as anyone was concerned, there had been absolutely no strange vampire activity in Rio in recent weeks; no unfamiliar appearances, no unexplained deaths, not so much as an unaccounted for drained llama."

"She was never in Brazil, was she?" I finally asked. "Victoria, I mean." Victoria had been here, hunting me, evading the pack. There was no way for a person to be in two continents at the same time, not even someone as cunning as Victoria had been.

"No, she wasn't," Emmett confirmed in an uncharacteristically low voice. "Edward finally called one night, just as Carlisle was getting the necessary paperwork for us to travel to Brazil to look for him. He was…despondent. We could barely understand what he was saying, he spoke so quickly. Even for us. We gathered though that Victoria had tricked him once again, that she'd never actually stepped foot in Brazil. He'd lost hope of ever actually finding her." The tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed quietly for him, for my Edward. For the feeling of hopelessness and despondency that he must've felt. For losing the only thing that had apparently been keeping him going for all those months. I knew only too well what that felt like; feeling like everything was hopeless.

Jasper squeezed my hand again. "Esme pleaded with him to come back, to take the next plane back to New York so we could figure out what to do next together. He didn't respond for a while. 'Please Edward,' Esme begged. 'We'll figure it out as a family,' she told him. Esme stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. 'Maybe it's time,' she whispered meekly into the phone, afraid of his reaction but unable to stop herself from hoping that this time he'd finally agree. 'Maybe it's time for you to go back to her.'"

Jasper and Emmett were both suddenly quiet. I swallowed hard before speaking. "What…what did he say?" My voice was rough from my sobbing.

Jasper pulled the car over to the side of the road and cut the engine. He sat there for a long while, both his hands on the steering wheel and staring down, before finally turning to look at me. His eyes were pained, as if just the memory were almost too much to bear.

"He said," he began, "he said he didn't have to go back to you, because he had your warmth right next to him."

My heart dropped to my stomach as I took in Jasper's words. I had no idea what that meant. Had Edward found someone else while he was in Rio? Had he met up with someone while he hunted Victoria, someone who had truly distracted him? The thought that this could be a possibility ripped through my heart, and it would've probably sent me into hysterics if it wasn't for the fact that deep inside, deep within my heart, I knew that couldn't be true. I knew there had to be another explanation. But I feared that that explanation would probably be worse than Edward having found another woman to distract him for a while, to make him feel warm again.

Emmett opened up his door and stepped out of the car. He opened my door and knelt down next to me. "Esme was getting extremely…alarmed by this point. 'What's going on Edward?' she asked him. 'Who's there with you?' But he wouldn't answer."

My sobs racked my body as I imagined how unnerving that must've been for Esme, who I knew loved Edward the way my father loved me. "After a while, he hung up, leaving Esme and the rest of us completely dumbfounded and…terrified."

"Carlisle finished the travel arrangements quickly. He planned to come with us, of course, with Jasper and me, but we convinced him it would be best if just the two of us went. We weren't sure what we'd find, or how long we'd be gone, and Carlisle needed to stay to comfort Esme, who'd gone to pieces." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Carlisle had had Edward's cell phone traced, so when we arrived in Rio we had a relatively easy time following his scent and then locating his hotel. He was staying in one of the seedier, smellier parts of town." – Emmett's lips curled in disgust, remembering. – "We climbed up the steps carefully, aware that he could probably hear us coming, and not exactly sure how he'd react to that."

My heart was beating wildly in my chest by now. Emmett reached out to grab one of my hands in his huge one, and Jasper held on to my other hand from across the seat. I knew they meant to comfort me, to prepare me for whatever was coming, but just the fact that they felt a need to hold me through whatever was next increased my anxiety exponentially.

It was Jasper that finished the story. "As we approached his room, we heard no noises coming from inside, even though we knew he was in there, and he must've known we were just at his door. That in itself worried us. Why wasn't he coming out to greet us, or to curse us out for following him here after he'd told us not to?" Jasper looked down, shaking his head. "We pushed the door open – it hadn't even been locked – not that he'd need to worry about any of the humans hurting him, but still, to not even lock the door." Jasper muttered.

"For the love of God Jasper, what was it? What did you find?" I begged through my tears, trying to get him back on track. I couldn't take it any more. "Was there…was someone there with him?"

Jasper looked at me with unsettled eyes. "Bella, when we found Edward," – he paused again, struggling to stay composed – "He was lying on his bed, the sheets tangled and matted all around him. He was on his side with his back to us, and he didn't even stir as we entered. He was alone Bella. Completely. Alone."

I closed my eyes and let out a huge gust of air, unable to feel the relief I thought I would at knowing Edward had been alone, that he hadn't found respite from his loneliness with another woman. But instead of relief, the thought of Edward lying in that cold, dirty bed, isolated from everyone, half-way around the world from me, from anyone who loved him, felt like thousands of tiny needles prickling at my heart all at once. I winced from the incredible pain, from the unimaginable loneliness I could only imagine he must've felt.

"We approached him slowly, unsure of what he'd do." Jasper went on. "We had no idea what state of mind he was in. When we came to his side, his eyes were wide open, staring off into nothing. They were black as coal, he obviously hadn't fed in a long while, and the dark circles were deep and wide, as if he hadn't slept in ages, which of course, he had no need to. His clothes were all wrinkled and tattered. He probably hadn't changed or bathed in weeks, if not months."

Jasper squeezed my hand even tighter. I couldn't even look at him anymore. I kept my head down, the tears falling thick and heavy into my lap, soaking the hem of the blue dress Edward had admired on me just a few hours ago. Emmett grasped my other hand between his two big ones with even more pressure, trying to keep me together.

"Bella, we didn't know what to do." He sounded apologetic, as if he somehow blamed himself for the state they'd found their brother in. "We didn't know what to say to him. We knelt at the foot of his bed and his gaze never wavered. He just kept on looking straight ahead, right past us, as if he were waiting for something to break him out of the trance he was in. We weren't sure if he could even hear our thoughts anymore. I remember wondering what he was thinking, what was he waiting for?"

"He spoke then," Jasper's voice was somber. "His words were rough and dry, as if he hadn't spoken out loud in a while, probably since getting off the phone with Esme. 'If I stay still long enough, if I don't move, she comes to me. I can see her, I can even smell her! But…I've been lying here, waiting, and it's getting harder and harder to…her scent, I can't pick up her scent anymore! And she won't come…' He sounded desperate and terrified."

"At first, I thought he was still talking about Victoria. I thought that somehow, in his confused state, he'd forgotten that Victoria had never been in Rio. But then as I looked at him more closely and took in the way he was lying on the bed, curled in on himself and hugging one of the yellowing, dirty pillows to his chest, I realized it wasn't Victoria's scent he was trying to pick up, it was yours."

Jasper's words came out rushed and anxious. "I tried to make him see reason, to snap him out of the confused state he was in! 'Edward! Bella's not here!' I told him. 'Bella's never been here. You can't pick up her scent because she's back home in Forks. She's been there all along. You have to get up Edward! If you can't take this any longer, then let's go back to Forks. She's there Edward. You can be with her again!' I hoped he was ready to see now how futile this attempt to stay away from you had really been."

"'No!' he growled, with a force that surprised me, considerin' the state of him. 'Don't you see?' he pleaded. 'I can't be with her there! I'd kill her! One way or another I'd kill her, and take everything away from her! And then she'd hate me for it! Maybe not right away but…eventually. Eventually she'd hate me and then I'd lose her forever. Here, at least I can't hurt her. At least here we can be together without me hurting her.'

"I begged him to understand. 'But Edward, this isn't real! You can't stay like this! This is madness Edward!' I stood up and paced the small room back and forth, trying to get a grip on myself. Edward's confusion was so strong that I myself was having a hard time thinking clearly. I needed to collect myself so that I could try to pass some of that clearness on to him."

"Thankfully," Jasper continued. "Emmett wasn't affected by Edward's confusion and was already going around the room picking up the few possessions he had lyin' around and throwing it all into the duffel bag that lay thrown in the corner. I focused as hard as I could and turned back to Edward, hoping to make him feel more clear-headed. He still hadn't moved from the fetal position he was in. 'Edward,' I began, 'way I see it, you got two choices here, my brother.' My voice was hard and sure. I wasn't playing games with him or tip-toeing around him anymore. I wasn't Esme. 'You either come back to New York with us and let your family help you through this, or you get yourself back to Forks and to Bella. Either way, you ain't stayin' here.'"

"Edward simply replied, 'Here is the only place I can be with her like this, without hurting her,'" Jasper resumed. "'She is not here Edward! There is nothin' here 'cept for the smell of dirty sewers, sweaty bodies and rancid food! Go back to Forks! Go back to her!' I was infuriated, and he yelled back, 'I can't go back to her Jazz. I can't. That's not an option!'"

"I put my hands up to my head, fighting back the confusion emanating from Edward. 'Then come home,' I moaned, exasperated but trying to only emanate focus and clearness to Edward. 'Come home with us and we'll all help you through this.'"

"Edward finally sat up. It was the first time he'd moved a muscle other than his mouth since we'd gotten there. He sat on the edge of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. 'I can't do that to you. To any of you.' He finally looked up at me, and his eyes were lifeless, dead. It was like looking into two empty, endless black holes. 'Look at yourself Jasper,' he mused. 'Look at how difficult it is for you to be around me. You can't even think straight.' And he was right. It was takin' everythin' I had to stop myself from runnin' out that room, or throwin' myself off the balcony. Edward read my mind, of course. He chuckled sadly. 'Do you really want to feel this agony, this despair every single day of your life, for an eternity Jasper? Because that's how it'll be. I won't be the only one suffering. I'll drag you all down with me.'"

Jasper watched me now with guilty eyes. "I gotta admit to you Bella, I was tempted for half-a-second to just leave him there. To let him continue with his delusions and self-loathing and get myself and Emmett as far away from him as I could." He turned away from me then, lowering his head in shame. "But then I thought of Alice. Of how she was waitin' for me at home, countin' on me and Emmett to bring her prodigal brother back. I thought of our mother Esme, and how lost and terrified she'd looked just before we'd left, and then the hopeful gleam that had lit her eyes as I promised her we'd bring Edward back safely. I thought of Carlisle, of how hard he was tryin' to remain strong for the family through Edward's absence, but of how I could feel the emptiness in his heart without Edward there. And even Rosalie" – Emmett, still kneeling next to me, chuckled at Jasper's mention of his wife – "Rosalie who was angry and moody more than usual lately, who tried to pretend she couldn't care less that Edward was gone, but who couldn't hide her true feelings from me." Jasper looked back over at me, smiling wistfully now. "And then I thought of myself, and how much I missed him. How much Em and I both missed him. It wasn't the same without him. And I knew" – Jasper paused – "I knew that if I ever had to live without Alice" – he shuddered – "I would be a mess," – he shook his head quickly, as if to dispel the thought – "but my family would do all they could to help me through it. Edward wouldn't abandon me, and I wasn't about to abandon him."

I took my hand out of his grip, and slowly raised it to his cheek. "You're a good man Jasper. And a great brother," I added. I turned to Emmett. "Both of you are."

Jasper sighed deeply before continuing. "Anyway, we got him packed up. He'd read my mind, he saw how much we all missed him. He wasn't happy about it, but we made him come home with us; wasn't in much shape to put up much of a fight anyway. Em here was ready to knock him out if that's what it took to get him outta there. Weren't you Em?"

"Damn straight I was," Em chuckled.

"True to his word though, those first few weeks with him home were a nightmare," Jasper shook his head and rolled his eyes. "He came home, locked himself up in his room, and refused to come out. Like a stubborn teenager throwing a tantrum. His pain and confusion hadn't diminished, matta-fact, the more I tried to help him with it, the stronger it got, like he was purposely blockin' my attempts in order to punish himself even further. Got so bad after a while that I could barely stand to be within a couple-a-miles of him. I don't know how he survived under the weight of that agony day in and day out. He wouldn't listen to anybody, not even Esme."

As I listened to Jasper, I remembered myself in those first few weeks and months after Edward left. I'd been like a zombie; not seeing, not hearing not caring what went on in the world around me. I'd been…unwell, to say the least. Apparently Edward had been just as unwell as me. While I'd been held prisoner in my mind by the fears and insecurities that had haunted me since Edward's departure, Edward had been haunted by his own demons, his own insecurities about his self-worth. My heart ached to hold him, to hold him as he'd been during that time, alone and hopeless; to caress him and kiss him and reassure him that I would never stop loving him, that he wasn't a danger to me. That he would've never led to my end. That he was and always would be my beginning.

"It was Alice that finally got him to leave that room. Still don't know till this day what she said to get him to come out. Just know that one day, she got this look on her face, like she'd had enough, and marched up to his room all determined like. Good thing too, 'cause Em and me were gettin' set to march right in there ourselves and bash his brains in."

I looked at Jasper questioningly. "That bad?"

Jasper's voice was low and serious. "Yes, it was that bad."

Jasper took on a contemplative tone. "After that, things changed slightly. Although he was never the same, he at least tried somewhat to act …alive, awake, mentally stable; or at least as mentally stable as can be expected of him." I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Jasper shrugged. "And, that was basically it for a long time. Carlisle tried to get him to enroll at the university with us, but he only went one day. Said he wasn't ready, and then he never tried again."

"So that's why he didn't go to college with you guys?"

Jasper nodded.

I gazed in front of me, through the windshield, which was now being dotted by lightly falling raindrops. The deep woods surrounded us, covered in a deep black, a black that let you know that it was way beyond midnight and still hours away from daylight. My eyes moved to the wooded trees to the left of the road. I couldn't see anything, yet I wondered how far away Edward was. Did he know we were here? Did he know what his brothers were telling me? And why hadn't he wanted me to know? For weeks, I'd been wondering what Edward had been doing during his time away. I thought back to the things I'd said to him in the past few weeks, the insinuations that he had, actually, been off having a grand time, fully distracting himself.

"Go home Edward. Go back to living the life you were living before Alice threw a wrench in it with her fuzzy visions."

"…between Rio and Denali, I've got a pretty clear picture of what you've been doing for the past few years."

God, I'd been so wrong.

"And then, of course, one day a couple of years ago," Jasper went on dryly, "my little Alice had a vision of Victoria." I quickly turned my attention back to Jasper, my eyes growing wide.

"She saw Victoria's body torn to shreds and burned, off in the middle of some snowy, wooded area somewhere."

"The wolves," I said instantly, then realizing my words, I shook my head quickly. "I mean, Jake and his pack. They tore her apart and burned her body. It was a snowy Christmas night."

Jasper nodded and watched me sedately. "There was no way of telling, from the vision, where it was. Edward had never given up on the idea of finding Victoria, but his…stamina, his strength, was no longer what it used to be. He barely hunted enough to keep himself satiated, much less enough to go on a tracking expedition against an adversary like Victoria. Nevertheless, as soon as Alice had the vision, Edward was ready to go find her, to make sure the vision was carried out the way Alice had seen it. Of course, Emmett and I would've gone with him." A look of remorse crossed Jasper's features once again before he continued. "But Bella, we just wanted our brother to finally go back to some semblance of normalcy. He'd been…gone, in his own way, for so long by then. When Alice saw that Victoria would die, without Edward's interference or help, we all wanted to believe that this would somehow help him heal. Help him return to us." He shook his head vigorously and looked down momentarily before meeting my eyes again. "We were convinced, and somehow we convinced Edward, that he didn't need to go find Victoria." Jasper's voice took on an incredulous tone, as if even now he couldn't believe how they'd managed to convince Edward of anything. "That she would meet her end without his help or interference," Jasper finished.

I nodded my understanding. "You thought she was far from me."

Jasper nodded quickly, seeming relieved that I understood. "Yes! I swear to you Bella, we had no idea she was in Forks! We had no idea what you were going through! Had Edward known, had any of us known, we would've returned instantly!"

I brought my hand back up to his cheek. "I know that Jasper." I turned to Emmett, who had the same shameful look on his face that Jasper wore. "I know that," I reassured them both. "Please don't hold yourselves responsible for any of that."

Abruptly, I pulled my hand away from Jasper's cheek and placed it on my forehead. "Ugh!" I sighed. "I can only imagine how Edward must've felt when he found out Victoria had been hunting me in Forks!"

"Ugh, you don't wanna know!" Emmett chimed in. "Both Jasper and me had to hold him down to keep him from running back here all the way from New York. And that's considering the fact that he hadn't been feeding properly for a long, long time! Took all my strength to hold his skinny ass down," Emmett chuckled. We all had a laugh, in spite of ourselves.

We were quiet for a while after that, the three of us lost in our own thoughts. Remembering the pain of our loved ones, remembering our own pain, wondering what all this meant for our future.

"Why didn't Edward want to tell me about this?" I wondered aloud in a whispered voice.

Emmett raised is eyebrows, and pursed his lips. "Bella, I'm sure if you think about it, you can figure that one out."

So I thought about it. Edward had hurt as much as I had, sweet Jesus, perhaps even more, since we'd been apart. He'd felt all the pain, all the doubts, all the fears and insecurities that I'd felt. And whereas my father and Jake had been my anchors to sanity, Edward's anchors had been his family. But neither of us had led a full life, a real life, for the past few years.

"He knew it would hurt me," I answered. "He knew hearing about everything he'd gone through, how much pain he'd been in, would hurt me, and he wanted to spare me that."

Emmett nodded sadly. "You know how he tries to protect you all the time Bella, even at his own expense. Especially at his own expense. And besides," Emmett continued in a voice softer than I'd ever heard him use, "he doesn't want you to feel sorry for him. It's not that he's ashamed. He wears his suffering proudly; he's a freakin' martyr like that." – Emmett rolled his eyes – "He just doesn't want your…decision, to be based on pity." Emmett gazed at me intently. "You have to do what's right for you Bella, based on your needs, not on anyone else's."

"We weren't going to tell you about all this Bella," Jasper confided. "We didn't really think it was our place. But, well, Jacob's been insinuating for the past couple of days that Edward was off having a fine and dandy time without you, and that's just not true. And we knew Edward would never set the record straight, because that's just not his style. Like Em said, he'd hurt himself a thousand-fold before causing you any sort of pain."

I nodded, because I knew how true that was.

"And just so you'll know," Emmett spoke in a firm tone, "Edward will survive Bella, if you decide to stay with the mong-, er, with Jacob. Don't feel that you have to pick him because you're afraid of what'll happen to him if you don't. He's a strong man Bella; stronger than he gives himself credit for. Will he be happy? I don't think I have to give you the answer to that. But he will survive. We'll be there for him. Just like we'll be here for you from now on. We can't stay in Forks indefinitely, but we'll always be around when you need us. You're our little sister as much as Edward's our brother."

Tears stung my eyes at Emmett's words, and I bent down to plant a soft kiss on his cold, hard cheek. He smiled and I could've sworn if it were possible he would've blushed.

"I love you too big brother," I smiled back. I turned to Jasper, who watched me wide eyed. "And you too, even though I'm sure you can feel that already," I laughed. Jasper smiled tenderly.

I sighed again, gazing ahead of me once more. Biting my lip anxiously, I tried to imagine a future for myself without Edward in it. Again. The pain was excruciating; the bile rising in my throat as I fought off a wave of unimaginable nausea. But then I tried to picture myself breaking Jake, telling him that after everything he'd done for me for the past few years, after saving me from the same insanity that had plagued Edward, after rescuing me from Laurent and Victoria, after being there for me in every way imaginable, I had to leave him for Edward. I dropped my face into my hands, unable to see a way out of the pain I was going to cause one of them. So much pain, so much suffering. Edward would survive, Emmett had said. But would I? Would I survive without him? And would I survive knowing that somewhere out there, Edward was in unimaginable agony?

I turned to Jasper sharply. "Jasper, will you do something for me?"

Jasper watched me warily. "Depends on what it is, little sis."

I took a deep breath. "I need to know Jasper. I need to know, I need to feel, exactly what Edward felt while we were apart."

Jasper's eyes widened in surprise. "Bella, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Jasper, please," I begged. "I…I know what I felt, what I went through while he was gone. I just need to…to know what he went through."

"Bella," Jasper began in a warning tone, "I told you. It was so bad, I couldn't even stand to be around him at times."

Edward would survive, Emmett had said. But what would I be putting him through, if I stayed with Jake? I had to know. Was it masochistic of me? Probably. But I didn't care.

"Please, Jasper. I just need to know. I need to feel his pain."

Jasper eyed me warily, seeming to hesitate before his resolve finally wavered. He closed his eyes once and pursed his lips. "This goes against my better judgment, and if Edward ever finds out about this-"

"I won't say anything if you don't," I interrupted.

He nodded his head, looking very uncomfortable, but defeated.

I sat still, waiting for Jasper's gift to affect me.

Like a truck that blind-sides you, that you never see coming, the pain took me with a violent force. I suddenly felt as if hot, molten acid were being pored onto my heart, dissolving it into black, charred ashes. My lungs. My lungs were non-existent. No, that was wrong. They existed, but a hole so wide had suddenly been punched through, and all the air was being sucked out of me all at once, instead of slowly. I found myself gasping wildly for air, for some way to fill the gaping hole. My head throbbed with the pain of a thousand hammers slamming into it all at once. Some part of me I couldn't even identify filled with such a sudden feeling of despair, of utter loneliness and desolation, that I abruptly felt like I was the only person in the world; like I was trapped all alone in a dark, cold cave, with no one to help me out; with no way of ever finding my way to the light again. My body shook uncontrollably, unable to deal with all the pain, all the torture, until I felt as if my entire system were about to lock down.

"Bella!" Emmett gasped, and as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Unable to handle such a sudden shift in emotions, a violent wave of nausea overtook me and I pushed my way past Emmett to lean over into the darkened road and retched violently onto the slick, wet concrete.

"Bella!" Emmett cried again, and held me from behind as I proceeded to expel every item I'd consumed within the past twenty-four hours. I felt Jasper at my side also, holding my hair back as the gagging finally ebbed. When my heaving finally stopped, the sobs began in earnest.

"I'm sorry Bella!" Jasper pleaded. "I'm so sorry!" His tone was full of remorse.

"No! Jasper!" I tried to speak between sobs. "Don't! Not your fault!" But my sobbing wouldn't let me form a complete sentence.

How had Edward borne it? How had he lived with such pain, such agony, day in and day out for so long? I couldn't even bare it for five seconds! I'd suffered when Edward left. The pain I'd felt was like my heart being torn into millions of pieces, my lungs punctured with millions of tiny holes. But the pain had been constant, like a steady flow of misery continually at my side. Edward's pain had been…total destruction of the heart, total destruction of the lungs, until nothing was left but just an all consuming despair.

"How did he?" I continued through my sobs. "Why?"

Emmett took me into his huge arms, while Jasper stroked my hair. "Shh, Bella," Emmett cooed. "It'll be alright. Relax. It'll be alright," he continued comforting me, until my sobbing finally began to slow and I was able to somewhat regulate my breathing again.

"We're vampires," Jasper tried to explain. "Our feelings, our system, it's not the same as humans. Everything is much more pronounced, more intensified. It doesn't mean we love deeper than you can, or that our suffering is greater, just that the level at which we feel our emotions is different from that of humans. I'm sorry Bella, I should've never agreed to let you feel that. Those aren't reactions your body is used to."

"Jasper, please stop apologizing," I whispered. My voice was hoarse from all the retching. "I'm not upset at you. I needed to know. No matter how painful it was, it was something I needed to know." I reached out a hand from under Emmett's grip and grabbed on to Jasper's, giving it a tight squeeze which he probably didn't even feel.

After a few minutes, we climbed back into the car, making the rest of the drive back to Forks in relative silence. I'd learned so much tonight. I knew exactly why Edward had left almost five years ago, the obvious and the not-so-obvious reasons. I knew what he'd gone through, what his life had been like for the past few years. And I knew, really knew, the pain he'd experienced during our separation; a separation he had initiated, but which had cost us both unimaginable suffering.

I felt no closer to the answer to my problem. How could I pick between the two men who had been willing to give their lives for me, without causing one of them unimaginable pain?

Just a few hours ago, Gabby had said that there was only one man that could really make me happy. Deep in my heart, I knew who that man, mortal or not, really was. That was not a question any longer. In reality, it never had been. But she'd also said that there was only one man that I'd be able to make happy. What about the other man? I was at a crossroads with two paths. What would happen to the road not taken?

There was one thing I did know though, without a shadow of a doubt. Edward's pain was my pain. I could no more put him through that again than I could ask Jasper to put me through it again.

There was no way, not while I lived and breathed, that Edward would ever feel that alone again. Never. Again.

A/N: Okay, so we're getting close. I know many of you just want to see Edward and Bella together again. Trust me, we're practically there now.

Edward's POV returns next chapter. And the next couple of chapters will be crazy, I promise you! Lots of stuff is going to happen to get us to where we need to be.

The story itself is almost done. I've got about 4, maybe five more chapters to go, and an Epilogue. Don't forget to put me on Author Alert if you haven't already. I've got another story ready, and I'll probably start posting it in the next couple of weeks, before this one ends.

Thanks for all your wonderful reviews! Please keep them coming. They encourage me to write quicker. Really!

Review and then go on to the next chapter!!!! It's up already!