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25. Guilt
Marley POV
He was dead and it was all my fault. I'd killed the one good thing in my life. I could still remember that one moment of utter perfection when I'd woken up in his embrace after our first, and only, night together. Everything about Spencer made life a little brighter; the statistics he spurted at random intervals, the genuine smile and sweet kisses. The way he'd said I love you; I wished I'd been able to see his face when he said it. I could imagine the light blush spreading across his cheeks as if worried I wouldn't reciprocate those feelings (as if that was even possible), his eyes would look down and he'd bite his bottom lip as he waited for my reaction. When I told him I loved him back his eyes would light up like a child on Christmas and he'd brush his sweet lips against mine. The idea of everything we could have shared burned into me like a brand on my heart. Everything we'd lost. I could see Spencer lying cold and pale on a slab with a bullet hole in his heart.
"I love you baby, I am so so sorry. I love you." I sobbed, curling in on myself as I cried. I wanted him to come back and finish me off. I wanted to join him in an afterlife I knew he didn't believe in. hell; I'd even take his idea of complete nothingness just to get away from the agony I felt thinking about my dead lover. John had disappeared after giving me the news but I knew he would be back soon and I'd have to play along or I'd die. But did I want to play along anymore?
There was only one thing stopping me from taking the easy option: Jack. He'd lost his Mom and despite the pain I felt right now it seemed incredibly selfish to leave him with that pain again. Spencer wouldn't want me to leave him. Spencer probably wouldn't want to be dead because of me either, a voice in my head hissed back angrily. I buried my head further into my knees and choked out a sob. Dead. Spencer had always been so alive I couldn't imagine there being no more statistics from those lips. How could such an amazing mind just cease to think? I tried to shake the vision off and think about Jack's excitement when he scored a goal at the last meeting but Spencer's cold dead eyes kept interrupting. How could I look his murderer in his face and play games with him? I was glad he'd left me alone after delivering the news; it gave me time to try and get my head straight. Not that it was working. All I could think about was Spencer and how I'd let him down. Do it for Jack, stay strong for him. Once he's strong enough to be on his own then you can go and be with Spencer. It was the best idea I had.
The door suddenly opened and in came John. I hated that face more than I had hated anyone else in my entire life. The face that had once seemed naïve and troubled now held an evil edge to it. I stared into the eyes that bared the soul of a deranged criminal. Now he was back I wasn't so sure I could do it. How could I pretend I loved him like Jack when he'd murdered Spencer? He walked into the room nervously, as if worried about my reaction.
"It had to be done." He stated simply.
"No it didn't." I shot back. "He was a good man. He would have helped you."
"There are rules. No boyfriends was the top one." I glared back at him angrily. I couldn't do this. "Please, we've come so far. I killed someone for you."
"No you didn't! If you did it for me then you wouldn't have killed him! I love him!" I screamed angrily at him. A tiny voice in my head told me I was a few seconds away from going down the road of no return but no matter how hard it screamed the rest of me was too angry and hurt to listen. He shoved his hands against his ears and began humming loudly.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" He began screaming. Careful Marley, think about what you're doing. One voiced warned in my head. No. said the other.
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Spencer Reid POV
"She's alive!" I screamed angrily, slamming into the room and making the others jump.
"Reid, what you heard… it was out of context." Rossi began but I shot him down.
"No, you've given up on her!"
"Come off it Reid, I care about her too. We don't want to accept it either, and you have to remember we're just looking at the worst case scenario." I glared at him angrily.
"She'll be fine, she has to be… For Jack." I began, feeling tears begin to drip down my cheeks because I knew deep down that they had a point.
"Reid, we are going to do everything we can to find her, I promise." Morgan pulled me into a gentle hug and I leaned against his chest. Suddenly, Rossi's phone went off and we pulled apart to look at him. He was struggling to pull it out of his pocket and I couldn't help but get agitated, after all they might have news or a lead. When he finally pulled it out and looked at the caller ID it was Hotch.
"Put it on speaker phone." I ordered and thankfully he complied.
"Hotch." Rossi started.
"Is Reid with you?" Hotch sounded like he'd been crying. My stomach dropped down into my toes. Something had happened.
"You're on speakerphone with the three of us."
"Can you go outside?"
"No!" I snapped angrily. "Hotch what's happened?"
"They've found a body." I couldn't have heard that right. She couldn't be…
"Reid?" Hotch asked quietly but I couldn't answer. Instead I slumped down on the bed with my head in my hands. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. I'd let her down. The best thing I'd ever had in my life was dead and it was all my fault. "Reid they still haven't positively ID'd her, it might not…" He trailed off as he ran out of steam; I mean who else was it going to be?
"Where is she?" I couldn't let her be alone.
"In the morgue of the hospital you're in. Rossi's going to go down and see if… if it's her."
"I'll do it."
"Reid no." Morgan began but I cut him off with a wave of my hands.
"I'm not leaving her alone. I need to be with her." I started for the door, not caring about finishing the conversation with Hotch. I needed to see her.
"I'll be there soon. Look after her, Rossi." Hotch whispered as Rossi disconnected the call and followed me out of the room with Morgan bringing up the rear. The pain in my side didn't matter anymore; my body was being torn apart by a new pain that nothing could repair. I shuffled along to the elevator and stabbed at the buttons which were blurred from the tears that engulfed my eyes. I leaned against the wall and sobbed. I remembered her smile on the morning we woke up after Halloween night. She was the most beautiful, caring and loving woman I'd ever met. Now because of her loving nature she was dead. I should have called her that night. I should have called.
"Reid it might not…"
"You were right."
"I wish I wasn't." Rossi put a guiding hand on my shoulder and helped me into the elevator where I leaned back against the wall. We descended down into the pits of hell to the lowest floor where the morgue was kept. I'd never seen a corridor that was so long, and at the end… at the end was her.
"You don't have to do this Reid, we'll go." Morgan whispered quietly.
"No, I need to do this. She deserves this much." With that I leaned on Morgan and began the slow walk down the corridor. It was like an optical illusion; no matter how far we walked it never seemed to get any closer. In the time it took to walk to the end I thought about all the other dead bodies I'd stood over and probed. I would happily let all those victims be tortured again juts to keep her safe. I would be buried alive by Hankel just so that beautiful heart would keep beating. I love you. Once we reached the door Rossi asked me one more time if I wanted to do this. Now I wasn't so sure. But I couldn't leave her lying there alone. I nodded and allowed him to lead me into the room.
The body was in the middle of the room with a white sheet pulled over it. But a tuft of black curly hair had escaped the sheet. It was the same colour and length as Marley's. The anonymous man in the green scrubs moved towards the table and prepared to pull the sheet back. Morgan and Rossi turned towards me, giving me the final say on when to reveal Marley's body. I waited a few seconds, savouring each second I had when there was still a glimmer of hope that she was alive. I gripped Morgan's hand tightly in my own before nodding my head.
He pulled back the sheet.