Wow, posting on a Thursday! This is for the girls...you know who you are. :)
My life would suck without Katmom and Minnakoda.
Potential for heartfail is moderate to high (only for those prone to crying easily) in this chapter. Heart-to-hearts between mother and sons ahead...Bella has a bad day...
Esme
The boys and I said our goodbyes to everyone before leaving to go to their home. I was still in awe at watching the sweet exchange between Emmett and Rosalie before we left. They were all I love you, no, I love you, and Emmett was whining about having to leave her. I had suggested that she come over, but he said that he wanted some Momma time.
Once we arrived at the house, Edward excused himself to go take a shower, and to give us time to talk, which was very sweet of him. I raised two very wonderful boys. Although they both had their flaws, they were working through them nicely and becoming upstanding gentlemen.
"So, Ma," Emmett said as he flopped onto the sofa, "you like Rosie?"
I sat down and positioned myself so I could face him. "I adore her, sweetie. She's perfect for you," I smiled warmly.
He looked at me, surprised. "Really?"
Taking his big hands into mine, I squeezed them and smiled. "Why are you so surprised? She's beautiful, adorable, sweet, loving, and she only has eyes for you. If you play your cards right, darling, she'll make you a very happy man for a long time. You know," I paused, almost afraid to say what I was about to, "I used to worry you'd never find her."
"Who, Rosie? Had you met her before?" Again, he looked confused.
"No, no," I chuckled, "not Rosalie specifically, but that one girl who would claim your heart and not just your bed."
I watched as the red crept up his cheeks. "Oh, don't get all shy on me, Emmett. A mother knows. She may not like it, but she knows. It broke my heart, to be honest. All a mother wants for her child is for them to find happiness and I knew that none of those women were making you happy. I watched you struggle with everything and I wasn't able to do anything to help. I blame myself for some of this."
My voice quivered; I was on the verge of tears because it was true, I DID blame myself. If I hadn't fallen apart and left him to pick up the pieces, he might not have turned to meaningless sex for comfort.
"Ma?"
Emmett's nervous voice startled me. "Yes, sweetie?"
"It's not your fault. I started in high school, well before everything else happened."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. It felt good?"
I laughed at him. "I suppose there is THAT. Regardless of what has happened, I'm so happy my boy has found his soul mate. She's a good girl, treat her well."
He smiled and pulled me into a hug. "I learned from the best, Ma, how can I go wrong?"
I let him hug me for as long as he wanted and I whispered that I loved him.
"I love you too, Ma. Thanks for being so awesome, and, where the hell did you learn to sing Alanis Morrissette so well?"
We both laughed and fell into comfortable silence as we relaxed on the couch.
Edward joined us later, smelling of sandalwood and…strawberry? I sniffed at him. "Since when do you use strawberry-scented shampoo?"
He blushed brightly. "It's Bella's. I wanted to feel close to her."
Emmett snorted so hard I was expecting to see boogers flying across the room. "Dude, you are so LAME!"
I shook my head and held in my own laughter. "I don't know if I should find that weird…or endearing?"
Emmett stretched and let out a big yawn. "Well, I'm off to shower and then hit the hay. I've got a class full of monkeys to deal with in the a.m." He leaned in and kissed the top of my head. "Good night, Ma. Love you."
"I love you too, sweetie, sleep well."
Edward got up and walked toward the kitchen. "Can I get you some tea or hot chocolate?"
"Oh, hot chocolate would be lovely, thank you. I'm going to go get into my comfies while you do that."
My baby boy was nestled in the corner of the plush sectional couch, blowing at the steam on his mug when I returned. He smiled up at me and patted the spot beside him. I curled up and sipped at my hot chocolate.
"Mm, this is delicious."
"Thanks. I can't take full credit for it, but the marshmallows were all my idea."
A contented sigh escaped me as I cuddled with my prodigal son. This felt nice. Even after he returned from Alaska, he wasn't really back, it wasn't my baby, it was some empty caricature of the gentle soul we all loved and adored. It was even worse after he tried to kill himself; between the drugs they were giving him for his depression and panic attacks, and the torment he was enduring, he was nothing but a ghost. I feared he'd never come back.
But here he was. MY Edward, or at least a more recognizable version of him, was here sipping hot cocoa beside me. He still had a lot of demons to battle, but he was finally on the other side.
"Penny for your thoughts, Mom," he spoke quietly to me.
I looked at him and smiled. "I'm just thinking about how happy I am. It's been a wonderful weekend."
After setting his mug on a coaster, he turned to me and wiped his thumb across my cheek. "You're crying. Are you sure you're okay?"
I hadn't realized that I was weeping, and seeing the concern on his face made me cry a little harder. He took my mug and placed it beside his, again on a coaster—boy, I had trained him well—and pulled me into his arms, cradling me as I used to hold him when he was a small child.
"I'm sorry," I apologized into his chest. "I'm getting you wet."
"It's okay, Mom, it's the least I can do after all I've done to you."
"I'm just glad that you're back, sweetheart, I'm just so glad…" the sobs tore through me as he rubbed my back gently and hummed to me. When I was finally composed enough to pull my face out of his sodden t-shirt, I looked into his eyes and saw so much regret and sadness that it threatened to drown me. "Edward, sweetie, don't. Don't fall back into the darkness; it's much better in the light."
"I'm sorry, Mom, I'm so sorry I ran off like that. I'm sorry I tried to leave permanently, and I'm sorry I've been so…so absent. I haven't been a good son." He cried as he buried his face in my hair. "But thank you for never giving up on me."
I stroked his hair. "Just don't ever leave me again."
He looked at me, his green eyes more vibrant than ever behind their swollen red rims. "I won't."
We sat in silence for a few minutes, just digesting what had transpired. I hoped he was right, I hoped he wouldn't leave again.
"I'm going to go lie down. Want to come with?" he asked, blushing.
"Yes, sweetie, you need to sleep. I'll stay with you until you're settled, okay?"
He grinned at me with a boyish smile I hadn't seen since he was little and I had a feeling I wouldn't be leaving his side. How could I leave that?
It was a good thing I didn't leave him, because once he fell asleep, the nightmares came fast and furious, and I spent most of the night trying to console and comfort him.
"Do you have nightmares a lot?" I asked, brushing some sweaty hair from his eyes.
"Off and on." His body shivered even beneath the duvet. He was soaked in sweat, so I got up and grabbed some fresh pajamas for him.
"Here, change into these dry ones and I'll grab another duvet."
"Thanks, Mom."
I realized when I pulled off the duvet that his side of the bed was also drenched in sweat. "Let me grab some different sheets while I'm at it."
Edward shuffled off to the bathroom as I stripped his bed. Something fell to the floor as I pulled off the fitted bottom sheet. My heart stopped when I saw what it was.
"Oh, Bunny Fou Fou." I picked up the well-loved stuffed rabbit and cradled it to me. I sat on the floor and rocked it as I had rocked its tiny owner oh-so long ago.
Edward returned and gasped. "Mom, I can explain…"
I shook my head. "There's no need, sweetie. I slept with Alex the Moose for months after the accident. It still smelled like her. How did you end up with him? Where did he come from?"
"The funeral director gave me a box of their belongings when I went back to pick up the photos we had set up for the wake. I only wish it had been sooner, though; I hate that he's not with her." Two very large tears dropped from his eyes and slid down his cheeks.
"Come here, Edward."
He came over and sat with me, his head in my lap, and he cried. "I miss my baby girl, Mommy."
My heart shattered. "I know, but it's time to let her go. Emma wouldn't be happy if she knew how sad you were. I know it's hard, but now that you have Bella, it's time to let your baby go."
Edward sobbed in broken, shuddering, shoulder-heaving gasps as I ran my fingers through his hair again. "It's okay to miss her, because you will always miss her—she was your baby girl, but you are allowed to go on living. You shut down immediately after it happened and even after five years I don't think you've ever actually grieved."
"Bella wants us to go to a support group for grieving parents," he choked out as he grabbed at Bunny Fou Fou's ear.
"I think Bella is a smart cookie. Look, I know you aren't big on these things, but you might find that it helps. If not you, I'm sure it will at least do Bella a world of good. Don't write it off. Try it and be open enough to give it a chance."
He nodded and yawned.
"Get up, Edward, let me finish with the bed so you can try to get some sleep. Hopefully the nightmares will hold off."
He got up and we made the bed together before crawling in. Much like he did as a child, he curled up with his head over my heart, clutching tightly at a stuffed animal.
Bella
Heavy hands held me down; I was immobilized, mute, and terrified. Faceless people moved around my prone body and poured something on me, but I couldn't see what it was until it hit my face.
Coarse, dry dirt. It invaded my airway and I choked hard, my breath rattled with the inhaled pebbles that were imbedded in the earth.
I was being buried alive and there was nothing I could do.
"Bella?"
My lungs filled with grit and silt as I gasped again for air.
"Bella? Come on, wake up!"
I WANT TO WAKE UP! I CAN'T! HELP ME! I CAN HEAR YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?
"Jasper, she's stuck. What do we do?"
ALICE! SAVE ME!
"Bella, sweetie, calm down. You're dreaming. Come on back to us, darlin', you're safe."
Jazzy, I'm trying.
"Alice, grab a cold facecloth, please," I heard Jasper direct Alice.
Jasper
I wondered if we'd have a rough night after everything that had gone on. Bella was overtired, over stimulated, and overemotional. I have to give her credit though; she handled everything so much better than any of us expected.
Alice returned with a couple of damp cloths. She held one to Bella's sweaty forehead while I reached around and placed one on the back of her neck. As I figured, the introduction of something cool was enough to bring her back to us. Her eyes flew open as she finally let out a gasp.
I brushed a piece of hair away from her mouth with my free hand. "That's our girl, now just relax, Bells. You're wound up tighter than a tube top on Pamela Anderson."
Her eyes rolled back into her head as her body sagged limply against the bed. Alice let out a squeak. "Did she just pass out?"
I tapped lightly on Bella's forehead. "Yeah, she's out cold. It's probably better this way. Let's get comfy; it's gonna be a long night."
Alice sighed. "Well, it was good while it lasted. What do you think brought it on?" She lay down beside Bella and pulled an afghan up over her legs.
"Hell, Darlin', what DIDN'T bring it on? Think about it; Bella had sex for the first time in five years with the guy who destroyed her, she saw her mother-in-law-to-be for the first time in four years, she got hammered, and she watched a video of her dead family."
"Gotcha."
I smiled at her and placed a kiss on her nose. "It might get worse before it gets better. For now, we'll just go on as usual. Now, let's get some sleep. I love you, Alice." I kissed the top of Bella's sweaty head. "And I love you too, Bells. Sleep peacefully, Darlin'."
Bella
Did someone get the license plate number of the truck that hit me?
Oh. Wow. That was an inappropriate thought, and the irony is delicious. A truck, hitting me. Ha! So not funny.
I tried stretching out and met with some serious muscular resistance. "Ow. Why am I so sore?" I said aloud.
"Morning, Bells."
Jazzy? "Oh, shit, Jazzy, I'm sorry. Was I screaming last night?"
He indicated with his thumb and index finger. "A little bit. How're you feeling?"
"Sore."
"You were pretty tense. I thought you might have been having a seizure."
"Feels like it. Gah. What time is it?"
"Nine. Alice left for school a while ago and I'm heading off to open the store in a bit."
"SHIT! I had a seminar at nine! I'll never get there on time now." I moved to get out of bed but my legs were useless. Jasper caught me just before I hit the floor.
"Easy, Bells. Why don't you take today to rest? You kind of overdid it on the weekend. Get caught up on your work, spend some time with Esme. You're pretty weak and I would worry about you getting around on campus." He set me back up on my bed and smoothed my hair back. "Do you need a hand getting to the bathroom before I go?"
As hard as it was for me to ask for help, I still managed to nod in the affirmative. Today was going to be one of those days that would remind me that I am still very flawed and my body is far from normal. I would have to rely on my cane to get around and would end up in bed most of the day.
After Jasper helped me to and from the bathroom, he brought me a cup of coffee, some toast, my pills, a bottle of water, and my cane. God, I hated that thing.
"Thanks, Jazzy."
"Call if you need anything. Here's your phone. Please call Esme and tell her that I'll leave a spare key to the back door under the mat. Oh," he wiped away a tear I hadn't realized I had shed, "don't cry, Darlin'. It's just one rough day; you'll be better tomorrow. Smile for me? I hate to see you so sad."
I smiled weakly at him. "Thanks, Jazzy."
"Anytime. Now," he gestured to my phone, "call Esme."
"I will. Bye, Jazzy."
I listened as he left the house and sighed. Days like this were few and far between for the most part, but they DID happen and I didn't particularly enjoy them.
I reached for my laptop bag and dragged it very slowly until it was on the bed. I fumbled with the clasps, and almost gave up. My legs were like Jell-o and my hands shook and jerked; I was the picture of perfection.
When I was finally able to get into my bag, I powered up my laptop and sent off an e-mail to my professors, explaining my absence and hoping they would forward the lecture notes.
My phone chirped with an incoming text message. I laughed when I saw it. Call Esme NOW ~J
I replied, On it now ~B before scrolling through my phone for Esme's number.
"Bella! I wasn't expecting you to call so early."
I chewed on my bottom lip as I tried to come up with a response that wouldn't upset her. "There's been a change of plans. I'm…well…"
"It's okay if you're busy, sweetheart, I understand."
"No! No, I'm…I'm having one of those days where bed is probably the best place for me to be, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out here? I have some work I need to do, but I'd love having some company. We can order in, watch girlie movies…"
It sounded almost as if she squealed. "Sounds wonderful!"
"Come over whenever you want. Jasper left a key for the back door under the mat. I can't really get around very well at the moment."
"Do you mind terribly if I come over now? I'll bring a book to read, I promise I won't bother you while you work."
"You could never bother me, Esme. Come over whenever you're ready. You remember how to get here?"
"No worries, sweetie. I'll see you soon. Oh, can I pick up anything for you on the way over?"
"I think I'm good."
We said our goodbyes and I returned my attention to my laptop, where I noticed I had a new e-mail. I smiled when I saw that it was from Edward.
Morning love,
I hope you didn't have too hard of a time getting up after our debaucherous weekend.
I missed you last night. I barely slept a wink.
Can I come over after class?
Love you, E
'I barely slept a wink?' I wonder what that's all about. I set my shaky hands over the keyboard to type out my reply.
Morning sweetie,
I missed you too. Had a rough one myself.
Am having 'one of those days' and would love nothing more than to curl up with you after classes.
Love you, B.
I set up to do some work on my character sketches; I didn't want to let Irina down by falling behind already. At first, it seemed that this exercise was going to be a walk in the park, but the more I looked at what I'd done, the more I realized that I was just skimming the surface of all the rich and amazing players in my life. To describe Alice as merely hyper was an insult to her free-spirited energy. It was time to really think about people beyond the bones and give them some meat.
Alice Brandon: Short in stature, she makes up for her lack of height with her big heart and boundless energy. She came into my life at a time when I was alone and didn't know I even needed someone, but there she was, positive we would be the best of friends, and she was right. Alice sometimes has a freaky ability to predict things and I think she was bang on with that one.
Without Alice I never would have made it through my undergrad. Without Alice I wouldn't be where I am today. Without Alice, I would be lost. She holds me when the nightmares threaten to carry me off, she cleans me up when I have a seizure, and she looks out for me like a momma hen.
Alice is also a little girl trying to play make-believe Mother, and feels the need to be fixing people all the time, much to her own detriment. If she didn't have Jasper, I fear that I may have drowned her years ago.
Jasper Hale: Jasper is tall, lanky, handsome, and has a heart as big as Texas. This rare breed of southern gentleman has been a part of my life almost as long as Alice has. He has been there through some of my rougher moments and always carries me through with little thought to himself. He is my protector, my doctor, my nurse, my brother. He keeps Alice grounded when she threatens to take off into the stratosphere and spends a lot of time being the voice of reason in our little universe.
Jasper is co-manager of the adult video store where I used to work, but he dreams of being a teacher someday. He has a love of history that runs deep. His twin sister always talks about how when they were growing up, he was happier reconstructing and reenacting battle scenes than playing with cars or even other kids. I think his passion for history will serve him well and he'll be a great teacher.
"Bella?"
I jumped and clutched at my chest. "Esme, I…I didn't hear you. I'm sorry."
She smiled and walked toward the bed. "No, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have snuck on you like that."
"Well, grab a spot on the bed, if you want, or you can curl up in the chair."
After discarding her coat, Esme crawled up onto the bed and settled in beside me. "So, how bad is it?"
I sighed. "Oh, you know, Jell-o legs, and shaky hands. Nothing I've never dealt with before."
She brushed a lock of hair away from my face. "You amaze me."
It was hard not to snort at that comment. "I find that statement rather silly. I'm far from amazing, Esme, I'm a fraud."
"Now why would you ever say that? You've accomplished so much; don't negate all of your hard work by saying that."
It broke my heart to see Esme look so sad. "No, Esme, I'm proud of my hard work, I'm proud of my accomplishments. It just makes me a little sick when people admire my strength. My strength isn't my own, I borrow it from everyone else. I'm like a parasite. When I was in the hospital it was you and Emmett, when I did my undergrad it was Alice, Rose, and Jasper. I wouldn't be where I am without them, without you.
"Now that Edward's back, I'm relying on him to help me heal, so really, I'm a coattail-riding fraud. None of my strength belongs to me."
"Isabella Marie Swan! I am appalled! Please stop talking like that. Sure, we may have provided some support along the way, but it's your strong will to live, to succeed, that's gotten you this far."
Metallic-tasting guilt boiled up in my throat. "I'm sorry, Esme. I'm having a bit of a pity party at the moment. I'm sure you can understand. I just need a minute to wallow."
Esme hugged me tightly. "Take as long as you need, sweetheart. Hey, would you like some tea?"
"I would love some. There's a tea cupboard by the sink, please, help yourself, and I'll have whatever you're having."
She got up and walked toward the kitchen. The movement of the bed jostled my bladder and suddenly I had to pee like a racehorse. I maneuvered to the edge of the bed and slowly placed my feet on the floor. On days like these, visual cues worked best. If I saw my feet planted firmly on the ground, then it was easier for my brain to process it. Most days walking and standing would be extremely easy, but not on a day like today.
"Okay, feet on the ground. I can do this." I spoke aloud, trying to pump myself up before standing. My cane was on the bed beside me, but I didn't want to use it; it was a symbol of my failure.
I pushed up off the bed and immediately fell forward. Crap. My bladder was threatening to explode, so I began crawling there. I made it to the toilet just in time to piss down my leg.
"FUCK!" I screamed out as I sat in a puddle of my own warm urine. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"
Esme ran into the room. "Bella? Oh, dear."
I looked at her through a wall of tears. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"
Without saying another word, Esme went to the tub and began running water, grabbing towels and facecloths. She smiled at me lovingly, which made me cry even harder.
While the tub was filling up, she helped me so I was seated on the toilet. She pulled off my tank top and helped me out of my wet bottoms.
"It's okay, sweetie. Lean on me, okay?"
"Okay."
Not only was pissing myself at the ripe old age of twenty-three embarrassing, it was humbling as I was hit by a million memories of time spent in hospital and in rehab. No matter how much I lied to myself, I was never going to be normal. Another harsh truth, yet not so much. In each snippet of memory, there was always one constant, one thing I'd never totally realized.
I had never been alone.
Not once.
Not until I made the decision to leave.
The warm water in the tub brought me back. I looked at Esme and smiled as best as I could. "Thank you."
"Pshaw, it's nothing, sweetie. I'm just glad I was here to help." She wet a washcloth and ran it over my shoulders. "Lean forward, I'll get your back."
I sighed as I leaned forward. "You've always had my back, Esme."
"And I always will. You're family, Bella. You're as much a part of my heart as Edward and Emmett are."
"I'm sorry I ran off."
Esme huffed. "You are forgiven, sweetheart, and I never want to hear you apologize for that again. It's a done deal."
She sat on the edge of the tub and encouraged me to rest my head on her leg, where she ran her fingers through my hair. "Sweetie, you've been given a horrible burden to bear, but you've always come through these things stronger than ever. One day at a time, remember?"
I did. Esme's mantra when I first came out of my coma was, one breath at a time, then one word at a time, then one step at a time, until I was doing well enough to graduate to one day at a time. I tried to live by that; one class at a time, one exam at a time, and it worked.
As Esme poured warm water over my head, it felt as if the doubts and the frustration were washing away.
"I'm sorry, Bella, but you're shivering. I should wash your hair so you can get out."
"Thanks. Shampoo's in the shower."
"At least you're not fighting me. I remember when you used to fight us tooth and nail when we would try to help you."
"Well, you know, I'm older and wiser now. I know that resistance is futile."
We both laughed, and my mood improved vastly. "I feel much better, Esme." I said as she helped me out of the tub. "My pajamas are in the second drawer."
She returned with some cozy flannel pants and a t-shirt. I managed to dress myself and made it back to my bed with minimal assistance. It was slow and awkward, each step calculated and deliberately planned.
"That was great, Bella. You look so much healthier, and you're moving so much better now."
"It's amazing what a bath, pep talk, and a light bulb moment can do for a person. How about we move out to the living room and put on a movie?"
"That sounds great. I'll reheat our tea too."
After slinging my laptop bag over my shoulder, I grabbed my cane and reluctantly used it to get out to the couch, while Esme reheated our long-since cooled beverages.
Not two seconds after I claimed the corner of the sectional couch, Fred was up in my lap, flashing his furry orange ass at me. "Yes, yes, Fred dude, I know you love me, now please do your kitty dance and chill the hell out so I can get comfortable, alright?"
Fred turned around and head butted me before settling down for a snooze, that is, until Esme sat down, and he bolted for her pristinely unfurry lap.
"Traitor," I mumbled.
Esme laughed as she handed me my tea over Fred's head. "Mmm…I inhaled deeply, "chamomile. Perfect, thank you."
I turned on the TV and handed the remote to her so she could pick out a movie from the OnDemand channels. After settling on some uber-romantic cheesefest, I quickly dozed off as I often do during movies.
Esme
Bella fell asleep not long after I put on the movie. I figured she would after the morning's events. It was hard on her physically and mentally. It must be so discouraging to be progressing so well and have a setback like that. I'm sure she was mortified that she urinated all over herself, and I hope she knows that I wasn't the least bit put out by it.
After watching an hour of that horribly cheesy movie I selected, I set Bella's dear kitty down beside her so I could get up and place a call to Carlisle. He knew immediately that I was upset about something; it's impossible to hide from him, he knows me too well.
"It's Bella, darling, she's had a bit of a bad day. Her motor skills are compromised."
I heard him sigh on the other end of the phone. "How bad?"
"Well, she's better than she was, but she couldn't walk. She tried to get to the washroom and didn't make it. I found her in a puddle of her own urine. I felt so bad for her."
"Where is she now?"
"Sleeping on the couch. She's exhausted."
"This is probably a result of exhausting herself over the weekend. The past few weeks probably haven't lent themselves to her having restful nights."
"You're probably right." I turned toward the living room when I heard a strange noise. I walked toward the couch and found poor Bella thrashing around and the cat scampering off to hide.
"Esme? Are you there?"
"Oh, sorry, sweetheart. Bella looks to be having a nightmare. I should probably go check on her."
"Before you go, how did she seem otherwise? Coherent?"
"Yes, she's clear as a bell and smart as a whip. Oh, she's crying. I'll call you later. I love you."
"You too, darling. I miss you."
I threw my phone down on the love seat as I rushed to Bella's side. "Bella, it's just a dream."
Her eyes fluttered open, staring through me. I tried stroking her cheek, and eventually she blinked and actually saw me. "Esme?"
"Yes, sweetie. You were dreaming. Everything is okay."
Her eyes closed again and she sighed sadly. "Thanks."
"Any time," I said, trying to smile at her. My heart was breaking for her. Would this poor, tormented child ever find peace? What could I do to help her?
"How bad was it?" Bella's voice roused me from my inner monologue.
"I don't think you were deep enough for it to be too bad. You whimpered and thrashed a bit. I've seen worse. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Why don't I heat up some of the leftovers from the party and the barbeque?"
That sweet smile of hers eased some of my worries. "I'd like that. Can I come watch? I need to move around a bit. I can check my e-mail at the breakfast bar while you do that. If you could help me up, I should be okay with my…ugh…cane. Makes me feel like an old granny."
I smiled at her. "You're no old granny, Bella. Now, hold out your hands and let's head to the kitchen."
Bella
It was slow going, but after a couple of stumbles, a long string of profanities, and a lot of laughs, we made it to the kitchen. Once I was situated at the grey granite breakfast bar, Esme brought over my laptop, then set about making lunch.
I powered up and opened my e-mail only to find a frantic-looking one from Edward in my inbox. How did I know it was frantic? With a subject like WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME! You would be hard pressed to think otherwise.
Oh, brother. He'd obviously spoken to Alice on campus, or perhaps Esme had told him. I dreaded opening up his message.
BELLA!
Why do I have to find out from my brother, who found out from his girlfriend, who found out from Alice, who found out from Jasper that you are bedridden? Why didn't you tell me? I could have missed class to take care of you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that you called my mother and she will be there to look after you, but I'm still hurt that you wouldn't tell me.
I hope it's not as bad as Emmett made it sound. He said you were paralyzed. I'm assuming that's an exaggeration because you were able to e-mail me this morning, and surely you'd let me know if you were in such bad shape.
I have to go to class, but I'm coming over as soon as I'm done. We'll talk then.
I love you even if you hide things from me.
Yours always,
Edward
Pfft, such a drama queen.
"Who are you spitting at?" Esme asked as she dug around in the fridge. "Let me guess, he's tall, green-eyed, and probably frantic. Am I close?"
I laughed. "Ding! Ding! Hot dog, we have a wiener!"
Esme stood up, put her hands on her hips and grinned at me. "Did you just call me a wiener?"
"Yup."
"Ah, Bella, the eternal sassy-pants. What's my anxious baby boy saying? Oh wait, let me guess…"
I cut her off with a loud snort, at which she cocked an eyebrow. "If I may continue, Edward probably heard about your situation and he's upset that you didn't tell him."
I put my finger on my nose.
"Which one of the yahoos blabbed?"
"Emmett."
Esme set a tray of vegetables down on the bar before me, and I snagged a carrot. "How on earth did Emmett hear about it so fast? He's teaching! I hope he's not texting while he has those children in his classroom. That's very unprofessional. I taught him better than that."
"He probably checked when the kids were out playing at recess. Regardless, Edward isn't impressed." I sighed heavily as I picked up a piece of cauliflower. "There was no reason to worry him because he would have rushed over here and missed school. There's no point in us both missing it. If I had no one else to help I might have considered it, but really, I've managed without him in the past, I'll manage in the future."
"Um, Bella, I think you've killed the cauliflower. I'm not sure what it did to you, but it is no longer living."
I looked down and laughed; sure enough, I'd decimated the poor defenseless clump. "Oops."
Esme cleared it off the table and when she returned, she was carrying two heaping plates of leftovers. "Eat up, Bella, you're so thin."
I contemplated the plate before looking back at her sheepishly. "I can't eat ALL of that, Esme, but I'll do what I can."
"That's all anyone can ask of you, sweetheart."
We ate in silence for a while, then Esme spoke quietly. "It might seem like he's smothering you, dear, but he's still feeling guilty about leaving you, for leaving his brother to care for you. Please keep that in mind during those moments when you want to strangle him, okay? I know that I really have no right to ask this of you, but can you please be gentle with him?
I chewed on a green bean and thought about what she'd said, and tried to put myself in his running shoes. If the tables were turned, would I feel as upset and overprotective of him?
"Okay," I said, stabbing a potato with my fork. "I'll try."
"Thank you." Esme took a bite of Edward's famous potato salad. "Oh, I forgot drinks. Can I get you something?"
"Yeah, please. There are drinks in the fridge. I'd like to have a Diet Pepsi, please."
Esme began speaking again as she sat down. "Edward mentioned that you wanted to go to a group for grieving parents."
I nodded, and finished chewing my food. "What did he say? How did he sound? I don't think he really wants to do it. I need this, but I don't want him to feel forced. I struggled with even mentioning it to him." I took a drink before continuing. "I know I've been all Bella Bellyacher today about my setback, but it's not all bad. I want this new year to be different, and I need to talk about Emma with people who understand and I am fully prepared to go alone, or with Irina if he's not able to do it. Mind you, it would be a lot better if he was with me. I think he needs it as much as I do."
She nodded her head in agreement. "Maybe more."
After lunch, while Esme cleaned up, I did some work.
Esme Cullen: The eternal mother figure. Her bronze hair glows as warmly as her heart. She's in her early fifties, her soul is old, wise and pure, yet her spirit is ageless.
Mother of the exuberant Emmett and erudite Edward, Esme has also been an important mother figure in my life. Married to Carlisle, their marriage has stood the test of tragedy and their love continues to endure.
I hope I can be like her some day.
Emmett Cullen: Emmett is the epitome of the word brother. I have always had a special bond with the big guy, and it was a no-brainer that Emma would be named after him.
Big in body, huge in heart, he is funny, caring, loyal, and my savior. I don't know if he really understands that I would not be where I am without him. He jumped to my aid as soon as Edward left, giving up a year of university to help me and his mother get over our obstacles.
He never asks for anything, and suffers in silence when he's being buried alive. He is selfless.
Emmett teaches second grade because he loves kids, and I know that he's still hurting over losing Emma. I'm tempted to think that he teaches the little ones because they remind him of her. Or it could be that he's just a big kid and relates to them better than the older kids.
"Bella? Ready to go back to the couch?"
My head snapped up at the sound of Esme's voice. I was so caught up in my work that I forgot where I was.
"Sure, just let me close up. I'm going to try to go to the bathroom too, on my own. I've got to keep moving."
"Okay, dear. Yell if you need me."
I love that Esme trusts me enough to let me try on my own.
I reached for my cane and slowly lowered myself so my feet were flat on the ground. Okay brain, my feet are on the floor, got it? Register that. I wiggled my toes. They were slow to respond, but they eventually did. Good. Okay, I can do this.
I pushed off the stool, braced myself, tried to find my centre of gravity, took a deep breath and ordered my right foot to move.
Score! Okay, leftie, your turn now.
My left foot scraped across the floor.
Score!
It took me a while to get going, but by the time I made it back from the bathroom, I was merely walking with a stumbling gait.
"Esme, do you want to go for a walk around the block?"
"Are you sure?" Although she was smiling, there was concern in her eyes.
"Yes, it'll be slow, but I think it'll help. Jasper usually does it with me, but he's not here."
"Well, then, why don't you get ready while I freshen up."
I hobbled back to my room, where I pulled on some yoga pants, socks, and piled my hair up into a messy bun a top my head.
Esme was ready and waiting when I emerged and we set off at a drunken snail's pace down the street. I talked to her about the neighbourhood, about my house, about school, and she talked about some of the design projects she'd been working on, all of which sounded really exciting.
And then she dropped a bomb on me.
"Carlisle and I almost divorced."
My vision of pure marital bliss between Carlisle and Esme combusted and I stumbled.
In the nick of time, Esme caught me. "Whoa, Bella, are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah? Um, wow…uh, when did this happen?"
"Well, it was about a year after you left. Carlisle had, well, buried himself in work after the accident; he couldn't deal with it," she sighed.
"No one could deal with it, but Christ, Esme, he's a doctor, he deals with death every day."
"But not the death of his only grandchild and his best friend. After Edward left and I had my breakdown, he hid, and I was too destroyed to deal with it."
We stopped by a park bench and sat so she could resume her story.
"So, I confronted him one day. I told him that I felt like a widow and that I couldn't deal with it anymore. He needed to make a choice."
"He made the right choice."
"Yes, but it was a long road. I managed to get him to go to therapy, both alone and as a couple, and we came out stronger than ever."
"What is it with Cullen men and their fear of talking when it matters?" I joked.
"I don't know, dear, but as I said before, go easy on Edward, he'll come around."
I gasped. "SHIT! Edward!"
I groped in my hoodie pocket for my phone. "Shit! Shit! Shit! I forgot my phone. He's probably freaking out. Let's get back to the house."
"Oh dear, I don't have my phone either. Can I lend you an arm?"
I smiled at her. "Please, it'll make it easier to get home."
Edward was pacing by his car in the driveway, pulling at his hair. He stopped when he spotted us and watched me amble clumsily toward him.
"Oh, Bella, is it that bad?" he asked sadly, as he rushed over to us.
"I'm doing a lot better, mister. It's a good thing you didn't see me earlier, if this is how you react to me now that I'm doing so much better."
Edward enveloped me in his arms and held me tight. "I was so worried. You weren't answering your phone, neither was Mom, no one was here…I…thought maybe you'd had to go to the hospital or something…"
I kissed him to shut him up. "Shh," I muttered against his lips. "Everything and everyone is fine. Let's go in the house."
When he moved to pick me up, I stopped him. "I can walk."
"But…"
"Edward, I can walk. I'm slow and lopsided, but I can walk. Relax." I knew his actions were well-intended, but he was driving me nuts.
He stepped aside and allowed me to walk by. I was so focused on him being there that I stumbled. Great, just what I need when I'm trying to exercise my independence. Before anyone could jump to my aid, I caught myself and held up a hand. "No, I'm fine. Stand back, please."
I rummaged around in my pocket for my key and managed, after several attempts, to unlock the door and get us into the house. "Don't worry about your shoes," I mumbled as I made my way to the breakfast bar, where I could lean safely.
I felt bad when I looked at Edward; he looked so sad, and kind of lost. Esme put her arm around his waist and gave him a squeeze.
"Edward…" I started, but I really wasn't sure what I wanted to say. "I'm sorry?"
He exhaled loudly and kissed the top of his mother's head before approaching me. "Bella, I'm sorry, I should have let you do…I…God, I find it so hard watching you struggle. My first instinct is to jump in, but I feel helpless when there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do, what to say, it's like…"
I motioned for him to come closer. His movements were reluctant at first, but he seemed to loosen up when I took his hands in mine. I pulled him to me and hugged him. "It's okay, Edward. I get it, it's hard. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just get so irritated, I guess. It reminds me that I'm not normal, even now, and I get frustrated. I'm also all kinds of stubborn, as I am sure you recall from when we were kids. When I'm having a day like today, you kind of have to let me go, let me fall if I tell you to. You need to trust me to ask for help when I need it, because I WILL ask, right, Esme?"
Esme stepped up beside us and placed a hand on his cheek. "She's right, sweetie. Sometimes it's hard to watch, but Bella will let you know when she needs help."
Edward held me silently and I worried that he was still upset.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
He sniffed deeply. "Mm-hm."
"You look exhausted, sweetie. Why don't you two go take a nap? I'm going to head back to your house, Edward. I promised to make dinner for Emmett and Rosalie."
My heart stuttered a little. Esme would be leaving in the morning and I wouldn't see her again until November. "I'm going to miss you, Esme. Thank you so much for coming and helping me celebrate my birthday. Thank you for being so understanding, and more than anything, thank you for taking me back."
I pulled away from Edward to hug her. "I love you, Esme."
"I love you too, my sweet little Bella. Be safe and strong. You're on your way. Please don't hesitate to call if you need me, okay? Carlisle and I will always be here for you, sweetheart. You are family."
Turning to Edward next, she smiled and stroked his cheek again. "My sweet baby boy, take good care of our girl and try not to smother her too much."
He smiled as he leaned into her hand and my heart swelled. "I'll be home later, Mom, why are you saying goodbye now?"
Winking at me, she hugged him as she spoke. "There is a good chance you won't make it home tonight and I wanted to be sure to say bye."
"Why…?"
"You're exhausted, sweetie; I have visions of you two falling asleep very soon and waking up in the morning. So, I shall bid you both a fond adieu and tell you that I love you."
"I love you too, Mom. We'll see you soon."
"Be good to each other, take your time, and TALK to each other."
And with that, Esme walked out and I suddenly felt homesick.
A wee bit heavy, but that's how this story rolls, right?
So, what have I been reading this week?
Library Rendezvous by antiaol
Moderately Mediocre by DreamersDaze
Decoy by 107yearoldvirgin
Hit By Destiny by ocdmess
and can I say again, The Workshop: A Tale of Edible Delights by danielleR123 is a masterpiece. It made me laugh, cry, cheer, boo, and cry some more.
Leave me some love?