Hey everyone! Happy Halloween! I hope you enjoy the chapter and wanted to let you know I have a new OS posted – All I Saw Was Black. Go check it out!
Finding the Way back – Chapter 25
BPOV
I was still attending my weekly therapy appointments which were very helpful. A lot of the time we would talk about my continuing goal to get outside my comfort zone, which I determined to be inside Forks, and also my lack of confidence. There were still days when I didn't feel like I was worthy of everything that I had: Dad, McKenna, the Cullens, or Edward. I also felt like I was still making mistakes with McKenna, even though I was being told that mistakes happened and that I was a good mom. I wasn't aiming to be the perfect mother with a perfect child, but there had been a few times when I had lost my patience and yelled at McKenna. It scared me and I felt horrible about it, since I had never raised my voice to her before.
"Is there anything specific you'd like to talk about today Bella, or shall we pick up where we left off?" Dr. Hartford asked.
"Actually, I think I just need to talk and have someone listen. There's something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I'm just not sure how to deal," I said.
"Of course. Talk away."
"Well, you know that Edward and I are engaged and that we've been talking about the wedding and our future and all that. Well, it's got me thinking about our honeymoon."
"What about it?" she asked.
"I'm worried that he's going to expect us to be...intimate," I said hesitantly, remembering what I had done in my past. I want to be, but the thought of it brings back so many memories and I don't want to ruin the happiest time of my life. I also don't want to let him down. It's not like I don't know what to do, but it's more like I don't want to remember the men I was with when I'm with Edward. I don't want that part of me to click on. I want to enjoy being with him."
"Have you talked to him about this?" she asked.
"No. I wanted to while he was here, but we were both so busy with work and Edward was busy studying."
"I wanted to talk to you about that. Edward's in school up in Seattle, correct?" I nodded. "How are you two going to work that out after your married? Will you be moving up there?"
"Edward knows how important it is for me to stay close to Forks. He knows being in Seattle would be difficult for me, so McKenna and I will be staying here. It's going to be odd with Edward away, but we'll make it work. He'll come down on weekends when he can. Truthfully, I don't want to leave Forks and I don't want him to give up his dream of being a doctor."
"So you're okay with only seeing your husband on weekends for the next few years while he's doing his residency program?"
"He's hoping to place here at Forks Hospital for his residency. Whatever happens, happens. If he's placed somewhere else, like Tacoma for example, of course I'd follow him. I may not like it, but I'd go." I may not have liked the idea, but I wouldn't do anything to hinder his career. I knew that if we had to move, it would be a big change and the thought of it scared me. But honestly, I wasn't completely sure how us living apart would work.
"Now, getting back to the first issue: intimacy. I think you and Edward need to address this. You need to be open and honest with him and he needs to be open and honest with you, as well. Is it safe to assume that you've done nothing but kiss?"
"Yes, and we sleep next to each other." I could feel my face start to flush.
"Have you ever thought about doing more with Edward?"
God this is embarrassing. "Yes."
"And?"
Is she really going to make me say this out loud? "And...I just want to be normal...in that...department."
"Next time the two of you are alone, I want you to try to push yourself a little bit in that department. I'm not saying I want you to sleep with him the next time you're together, but definitely try something new. If it gets to be too much, or if something upsets you, I want you to be honest with Edward."
"But...what if I tell him something about my past that scares him away? I'd rather keep it to myself and have him, than tell him something that scares me and watch him run out the door."
"Bella, if you want this relationship and your marriage to work with Edward, you need to have faith in him. Don't you think that with everything that's happened, with all the scary moments, the second kidnapping, the addition of McKenna into your life, that if he didn't really love you that he would have ran a long time ago?"
I was quiet for a few moments while I let her words sink in. I really didn't know anyone who would have stayed during any of it. Looking back, Edward was there through almost everything. He was there when I knocked on Charlie's door that night; he was there when we were at dinner and Ian returned; he was there when Ian outed me in front of everyone; and he was there when McKenna came into my life. He sent me flowers every week just so that I would smile; he would let me call him at all hours of the night when I needed someone to calm me down; and he would hold me as I cried. Who else would do that?
He was my everything.
"You're right," I quietly said.
"I really think you and Edward need to sit down and talk. Tell him everything that scares you about your future."
"I'm worried though, that if I tell him everything, he's going to realize that he can do so much better, just like his sister has been saying from day one."
"Let's talk about that a little bit. I know you've told me a few of the things that she's said. Why do you think she's right?" Dr. Hartford asked.
"Because I think she is on some points. I think people will look at us and see the brilliant doctor with a poor wife, or the guy who felt sorry for me and decided to stay even though he longs to be with someone of equal brilliance. I mean, he's in college and I just got my GED. Where's the equality there? He could walk up to any girl and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her and I wouldn't have a clue what they'd be talking about. I work in a bakery making cakes and live at home with my daughter and my father. He lives in Seattle with his siblings while going to school to save lives," I said. I could feel myself starting to get upset, so I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I just... I just don't see how he could want someone who's so...under him. I have all this shit wrong with me and yet...there he is, standing next to me with a smile on his face telling me he loves me."
"Do you doubt his love for you?"
"No. I just don't understand what he sees in me. I'm nobody special."
Dr. Hartford put down her notepad and pen, grabbed my hands and led to me a mirror hanging on the opposite wall. "I want you to look in that mirror and tell me what you see," she said standing behind me.
"What?"
"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
I took a few moments to look at myself before I answered. "I see a girl with long brown hair and brown eyes, which are puffy from crying."
"Go on."
"She's wearing clothes that look comfortable, nothing designer."
"Anything else?"
"Nope. She's just a girl."
"Hmm."
I left my therapy appointment with more questions than answers. I knew the only way I would get my answers was by talking with Edward, but I wanted time to process them on my own. I needed to figure out a way to bring up the subject of my fears and insecurities without scaring him off. That was one of my biggest fears – having Edward wake up one morning and realize that he didn't want me, McKenna or my baggage. Part of me wouldn't blame him for leaving. I was probably the world's most difficult girlfriend. One minute I was fine, the next I was sitting in my therapy appointment trying to figure out why my boyfriend - fiancée - was with me. This was something I'd have to think about and worry about later. Right now, I needed to put on a happy face so I could watch McKenna at her dance class. She was beyond cute in her pink tights and leotard. She loved her classes and I had to admit that I had cried a few times watching her. She was growing up so quickly.
I pulled into the parking lot of the dance studio and spotted Carlisle's Mercedes. Inside, I found Esme sitting in front of a large window watching McKenna laugh and run around with her little friends. Heavily, I sat next to Esme and tried to hide all my insecurities from therapy.
"Is everything alright, dear?" Esme asked concerned.
"Yeah. I'm just trying to figure some stuff out, that's all."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"Not yet. I think I need to talk to Edward first."
"Did something happen in therapy today?"
"Sort of. Dr. Hartford gave me a lot to think about."
"Well, you know I'm here if you need to talk about anything."
"I know, thanks."
I sat with Esme while McKenna danced. After she was done, McKenna and I headed over to the diner to meet Charlie for dinner. I sat and listened to her jabber on about dance and her friends and how she was excited for the recital in a few weeks. After dinner, I threw McKenna in the tub for a quick bath before bed time. Once she was asleep, I went downstairs to call Edward. I knew that if I didn't hear his voice, I wouldn't get any sleep.
"Hello?" Rosalie answered.
"Rose? Why are you answering Edward's phone?"
"Oh, he's in the shower. How are you?"
"Eh, I've been better. You?"
"Fine. Although, Edward's been pretty stressed lately. I can't figure out if it's coming from the stress of finals or if it's from the constant bickering between him and Alice."
"Over me?"
"Partly. He's also tired of hearing her complain about Jasper. He's found another girlfriend who is really sweet and really smart. She's majoring in History as well. Alice is fuming because there were a few days when the two of them were inseparable, and she thought they would be getting back together."
"Why doesn't she try dating other people?" I asked confused. "Maybe it would help her see where she made her mistakes with Jasper? And what happened to his last one?"
"Because she says she's had a vision, whatever that means, and says that she knows the two of them will be together. She doesn't want anyone else but him. I think he feels the same, but is just a little worried about the whole thing. Alice has always been possessive of him, and I think that's putting him off. As far as the last girl Jasper was with, it didn't work out."
"Rose, is it wrong that I didn't ask her to be in the wedding? Isn't there some unwritten rule that she has to be in it?"
"No. You have to look at it like this: the day you get married needs to be all about you and Edward. Do you really want to put Alice in it and risk something going down? I don't think so. But, I do think she was hurt when she overheard you ask me and Jasper. Don't worry about it though. She'll get over it. So tell me, how are things with you? How's Miss McKenna? Emmett is going through withdrawal."
I laughed. "I'm okay. Had therapy today, which is what I wanted to talk to Edward about, actually."
"Is everything alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, just need to talk to him."
"Ah! Here he is! Call me later this week, okay?"
"Sure."
I heard Emmett yell a 'hello' in the background.
"Hello beautiful," Edward answered.
"Hi. How were your classes?"
"Long. At least there's only one more day before labs. That's a plus. How are you? How's the little Princess?"
"She's good. Excited for her recital in a few weeks."
"Oh that's right. We can't wait to see it."
"Me either. So listen, when are you planning on coming back down to Forks? I need to talk to you, and I'd rather do it face to face."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. I'm facing some things in therapy and I just really need you here."
"I can leave Friday after lab, but I need to leave early Sunday morning. I have a final on Monday, so I'd like to get some last-minute studying done."
"Oh. Well no, stay there then. If you need the weekend to study, just stay there. I can wait," I said a little disappointed.
"Bella, if you need me, I'll come."
"No, it's okay. Stay and study. I'll figure it out."
"I take it your session didn't go well?"
"It's not that it went badly, I just want to talk to you about some of the things that were brought up. Let me know how your test goes, okay? Love you."
I hung up before Edward could get a word in. Maybe I wasn't ready to talk about everything just yet, but I knew I needed to talk to someone.
EdwardPOV
"It's not that it went badly, I just want to talk to you about some of the things that were brought up. Let me know how your test goes, okay? Love you."
Click.
What the hell? Why wouldn't she let me respond? She never does that. Something was wrong.
I quickly threw on some clothes and went out into the living room where I found Rose, Emmett, Jasper and his new girlfriend, Anna. I was glad that Alice wasn't in the room. I didn't think I would be able to keep my anger with her in check if she said something. She was my sister and I loved her, but she was really pissing me off with her hatred towards Bella. She and I had gotten into some heated arguments lately. There had been a few times where Emmett had to drag me out back to cool down. I would never do anything to harm Alice, but there were times where she really got to me. How could she say such hurtful things towards the woman who makes my life complete? I had a feeling that Alice was keeping something from all of us. I just wish she would say it already so we could deal with it.
"Hey man. I'm surprised you're not engrossed in one of your medical books," Jasper said as I sat across from him.
"I should be."
"But?" Jasper asked again.
"But Bella called and I think there's something really bothering her. She asked when I was going back to Forks and that she wanted to talk about some things, but when I told her that I had lab Friday and that I would have to leave early Sunday to get ready for a final, she told me to stay. I couldn't even get a word in after that. She just hung up."
"That's not like her. Did she say what she wanted to talk to you about?" Emmett asked.
"Therapy. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to jump in the Volvo and race down there right now, but I know I can't miss tomorrow's lecture and Friday's lab. Plus,I need to study."
"Has she ever talked to you about her appointments before? I know I don't know her personally, but maybe something was brought up that is upsetting or scaring her," Anna said. I was a little annoyed that she was talking about Bella like she knew her and what she went through. But then again, maybe the stress from finals was starting to get to me.
"No, she didn't say what it was." I laid my head on the back of the couch and closed my eyes, trying to figure out what to do. How can I make her happy and get what I need done as well?
"I think you should still go. I don't know the history behind you and her, but it's quite obvious she needs you," Anna said. "Do you have your study materials downloaded? Perhaps you could listen to them while you drive."
"I do," I said.
"It sounds like there's something else you're not telling us?" Anna asked.
"The sound of her voice was...different. It reminded me of how she acted when she first returned. She sounded scared and insecure. She hasn't been that way in a long time."
"Then get your ass in your Volvo after labs and drive down there," Emmett said.
Friday came and I found myself anxious and distracted. Around ten, I decided there was no way I could stay focused. In between labs I made my excuses to my professor and left Seattle. Once I hit the highway, I turned on my iPod and listened to the lectures I needed to review for Monday.
By the time I reached Forks, it was early afternoon. I drove past the bakery and saw her car parked nearby and decided I would surprise her when she picked up McKenna at my parents house. I spent the remaining hours waiting for Bella by taking McKenna to a local park and letting her burn off some of her excess energy.
"Higher! Higher!" McKenna laughed as I pushed her on the swing. The sound of her laughter made my heart soar. I knew I didn't need anything more than her and Bella. Those two would make my life complete. I could be the father that McKenna deserved and the man and husband that Bella deserved.
A few hours later, McKenna and I were back at my parents' house, waiting for Bella to return. McKenna was in the kitchen helping Esme with dinner while Charlie, Carlisle and I looked on.
"Keep beating that egg, sweetie," Esme said.
"Beat, beat, beat!" McKenna then sucked in a breath. "Mommy's home!" She jumped down from her stool and went running to the front door. "Mommy!"
"Hey baby girl. Did you have a good day?"
"Yep!"
BellaPOV
I was exhausted. I had four client meetings and two testings. Of the six brides, five of them were pleased with my work. The sixth bride, my final one of the day, decided to add an extra one hundred people to her wedding and couldn't fit the extra cost into her budget. I tried designing a completely different cake and included a tier of cupcakes to help feed everyone, but she was hell bent on getting a normal cake. She was the first bride that said she was going elsewhere. By the time she left the bakery, I really wasn't all that upset about losing her.
Seeing McKenna at the door of the Cullen house made my spirits lift. Her smile made my heart soar. I knew I didn't have a lot of time to spend with her tonight, as I had made another therapy appointment.
"Mommy!"
"Hey baby girl. Did you have a good day?" I asked.
"Yep!"
When we reached the kitchen, I walked over and gave my Dad a kiss on the cheek and then sat next to him. Everyone had a weird look on their faces.
"Bella dear, why don't you go into the living room and relax? Dinner will still be a little bit," Esme said.
"Alright."
I stood and walked into the living room where I was completely overcome with emotions. Edward was standing in the middle of the living room with his arms open for me. I quickly ran over to him wrapped my arms around him. Before his arms closed around me, my sobs had overtaken me. I couldn't believe he actually came. I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to, but he did. I guess I didn't realize that I needed him this much. He held me tight until I calmed down, running his fingers through my hair and whispering to me. What he was saying, I had no clue.
"Better?" he asked after I quieted down.
"A little. I didn't think you'd come."
"How could I not? You said you needed me, and here I am."
"I know, but you need to study," I replied as Edward wiped the tears from my cheeks.
"Don't worry about it, okay? Now, what did you need to talk to me about?"
"Um, actually, I'm supposed to go to therapy tonight. Will you come with me?"
"Of course."
After a quick dinner, Edward and I drove to my appointment where we were greeted by Dr. Hartford. I knew she was staying late just for me, to which I was grateful. I really needed to talk and I needed Edward there for support.
"Shall we get started?" she asked.
"Yeah, I know we only have a small amount of time."
"Don't worry so much about time. You're my last appointment and my husband is out of town with the kids, so take your time."
"Do you mind if Edward sits in with us?" I asked. I could already feel myself start to shake. I wasn't sure if it was because I was nervous or if it was because I felt so vulnerable.
"Not at all. So, where would you like to begin?" she asked.
"Well, I've been thinking a lot about everything we talked about last time."
"Good."
"I think part of my intimacy issues have to do with my future with Edward."
"Edward, do you mind if I ask you a question?" Dr. Hartford asked.
"Go ahead."
"I assume you're aware that it's unlikely that Bella will be able to have another child, correct?"
"Yes."
"What are your thoughts about that?"
"There are other ways of having children. My birth parents passed away when I was young and I was adopted by the Cullens, so there's always that route. But if Bella wasn't comfortable with that, then I would be just fine with raising McKenna. I just want Bella to be happy."
"But you deserve to have a happy family," I said.
"My happy family is with you and McKenna. I don't need anything else, and I don't want anyone else but you."
"I'm nobody special, Edward," I said. I could feel the tears coming again.
"Of course you are," he replied. He took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"What do you see, Edward, when you look at her?" Dr. Hartford asked.
"I see a beautiful woman who has worked her way back from a living hell. I see a woman who loves her daughter like there's no tomorrow and would give anything to make her happy. I see the woman I'm going to grow old with."
"How can you see all that? I just see a plain girl with scars and who is too afraid to have sex with her fiancée because she doesn't want to relive everything."
"Bella -"
"I want to be with you so bad, but I'm so afraid I'll see Keith's face or something worse," I said interrupting him. "I don't want that. I don't want those memories anymore," I cried. "I love you, but sometimes I think Alice is right. Sometimes I think, no I know, you deserve better. I've got so much baggage that I don't want to wear you down with it."
"It doesn't matter to me. It never has. After everything that you've had to go through, you're still so beautiful to me. I don't care about the scars or the baggage. If I could take them away for you, I would. I just want to know that one day soon, you'll be my wife, my companion, and my best friend forever."
"Edward, perhaps you could tell Bella what it was like for you when she was taken the second time?" Dr. Hartford asked.
"It was a living hell. Mom had called and told us about the photos she and Charlie received and how they were going with the FBI to find you. I begged her to let me come. I needed to see that you were okay, to touch you, to tell you that I loved you. Then she called and said they had found your daughter and I wanted nothing more in that moment to hold on to her and protect her from everything. Trying to focus in class was completely useless. I kept checking my cell phone for text messages, voicemails, and missed calls. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was going out of my mind knowing those bastards had you again," Edward said. His words were so powerful. He had never told me any of this before. I was upset that I had gotten him that upset. I noticed that his eyes were a little glossy, like he was trying to fight back tears.
"When Carlisle called and said you were safe and in the hospital, I fell to my knees in the middle of campus and cried. It was like a weight had been lifted. I knew you were in good hands and that you were safe. When I saw you after it was all over, I knew right then that I was going to marry you. I knew that no one else would make me feel the way you do. I know you get scared, and I know you hate that I'm so far away from you, but you have to know how much I love you and that I would never hurt you. I can't function without you," Edward said. He was now crying as well. I had never seen him like this. I wanted to hold him and tell him it would be alright, but, I wasn't sure.
"I just don't want to let you down, Edward."
"How could you ever let me down?"
"We're going to be married, and I know that you'll expect -"
"I don't expect anything, Bella," Edward said interrupting me. "I know that area hold a lot of painful memories."
"But you have needs -"
"We'll figure out what works for us. Even if we take things step by step, we'll figure it out. I want to be with you too, probably just as bad. We'll figure it out, I promise."
"We'll take it slow?"
"We'll take it however slow you need," Edward replied. He pulled me close and softly kissed me.
After therapy, we returned to the Cullen house. I didn't realize how late it was until Esme told us that Charlie had taken McKenna home well over an hour ago. Too exhausted to drive, Edward took me upstairs and into his room. I quickly changed into one of his shirts and sat on the edge of his bed.
"Will you hold me tonight?" I asked.
"You never have to ask that."
Edward and I crawled into bed. I curled up next to him, with my head on his chest. Edward put his arms around me, holding me close to him. I knew tonight had been a turning point for us. While Edward had said that my time with Keith was unbearable, I never knew it affected him so badly. I hadn't expected my appointment with Dr. Hartford to go the way that it did, but I was happy with the outcome. Some of my fears about being with Edward were eased, but not all of them. Right now though, I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to marvel in the fact that Edward loved me.