The functions of a rubber duck
There are many functions of the well known 'rubber duck.' One of these many functions is the entertainment for young children, for instance if said young child is in some way upset the rubber duck can be used to cheer up the child by the parent (this is aided by the hilarity of the person using funny voices). They young child watches the strange antics of the parent as it tries to make him/her believe that the rubber duck is actually alive and so laugh their little head off.
Some older more evil children, such as Snape (if he were a muggle) might enjoy torturing rubber ducks using the simple less useful tools suck as a magnifying glass and the sun, this of course a sick waste of time for those cute little yellow ducks, who are friend to all and amusing little critters. I suggest that we use the magnifying glass and the sun on those evil little children (like Snape) and see how they like it!
Some ministry officials believe rubber ducks to have secret abilities, such as flame throwers in their eyes, but after examining the duck I have found that there is nothing but a loud and annoying squeaky thing inside it. (Take that Ministry of Magic!) In my long research, which took a max of two days, I have also found that rubber ducks come in a range of colours and shapes, I think this is because muggles use them as fashion accessories, what will they think of next?
Amongst these many colours and styles I have found a vampiric rubber ducky which scared the very wand from my hand (Ok ok I dropped it) but I think this particular duck is used to scare away little children on our beloved Halloween, that'll show those muggle children. These particular rubber ducks are good to replace guard dogs as they are truly scary and need to be destroyed. I also believe that it is these evil rubber ducks that somehow breathe fire, as I have not got close enough to prove myself wrong and neither has the ministry.
One of the other more useful functions of the rubber duck is the strange friends of young children who have none. Many children waste their social development pretending that their rubber ducks can talk to them, giving them names and treating them as if they were alive, this unusual behaviour is probably caused by the parents strange antics. And I'm sure if the ducks could talk they'd call the kids insane, I know I would.
The final function of a rubber duck is far less interesting, and hardly believable due to its complete abnormality and boringness. My further research has led me to believe that the rubber duck is used as a bath toy, but this is truly unbelievable as it leads me to wonder why anyone would use toys in the bath. According to my sources, who will not be named for legal reasons, it is more fun to have a bath when you've got toys in with you but I find this very hard to believe. In conclusion there are many functions of a rubber duck and a bath toy definitely isn't one of them so take that muggle world!
A/N: as you can probably tell I'm still suffering from writers block for this story and so here is an essay written by James Potter in his fifth year (once again completly out of sequence). Writers block for the win!