Chains of Memory: Part 25

This hardly bears mentionning, but in the interests of avoiding misunderstanding the opinions of Chikane in the depths of emotional despair are not representative of my own. If they were, I'd have problems...

I sit on a chair and see nothing and know nothing and think of nothing. Whether this is truth or madness, it has broken me. In this moment, there is nothing left.

I drive my nails into the skin of my palm, face set. This is nothing… nothing compared to the pain mother must have felt in that moment… I haven't forgotten that since then, for her sake, I promised to myself that I would shine like a star, more brilliant than ten siblings that could have been, to take away her pain, to take away her regret… that is what I must remember. If- one part of my life is over, and my innocence of direct personal tragedy is over, and even if my faith in myself is over, even so, I can't afford to have a breakdown here. I have things, things that need to be done. They don't quite spring to mind but I know they are out there somewhere. No, maybe this is good. Maybe this is clarity. I was- naïve, to think that anything could have come of such disgusting feelings. Depraved. And in those lustful dreams I almost lost sight of my determination, my vision, the most important things. So, for that reason, I am- lucky. Lucky that it ended this way, rather than blunting myself slowly on her unbroken heart. My vision swam and I wiped my eyes angrily. I didn't have any regrets. There wouldn't be meaning in having any regrets.

My hands were hurting, so I finally remembered to unclench my fists. Focus. Breathe. Think. There are things I had to do.

"I owe you an explanation," I said dully.

"You don't have to say anything before you're comfortable," Otoha-san said gently, from the kitchen. Nominally, she was washing up, but I knew she was just watching over me. "It's probably best if you let yourself rest for now, and distracted yourself with other things."

"But I owe you this explanation now," I said hoarsely. "In any case, there's nothing to say. It's true I was crushing on that girl, and I told her, and… it ended badly. I overreacted. I didn't know I was this uncontrollable."

"It's not unexpected, when it comes to matters of the heart," Otoha-san said awkwardly.

"But I should be able to control my impulses," I snapped. "Otherwise I'm nothing better than a beast."

"It's not degenerate to cry out when you are hurt," Otoha-san said. "And the wounds she gave you are no less real, even if they are unseen. What's important is that you stand up and move forwards."

Easy for her to say. I closed my eyes and forced myself to nod. "I know. Brooding is meaningless."

"I'm here, and your parents would also support you. I know this is difficult, but we can't do anything more than stand by. Just remember we have faith in you. This is not the end of the world."

"I know," I said sourly. "And slap me if I began writing poetry. Have you told my parents?"

"Of course not."

"Good. Don't mention this to them. There's no need." I stiffly raised my hand and drummed my fingers on the table, trying to work out what came next. "And as for the aftermath… I will apologise to Ogami tomorrow, and let him convey my apologies to the girl. Hopefully, that should be enough."

"Is that really okay, Ojou-sama? Wouldn't it be better to talk to Kurusugawa-san one more time?"

"I don't have anything more to say to her," I said raggedly.

Otoha-san stepped towards me, looking anxious. "But-"

"It's final. There's no turning back." I looked down at the table. "Bring me my phone, and I'll block her number. There aren't any photographs. That manga she lent me, I will give back to Ogami. That's everything, isn't it?"

"I understand your feelings, but please be a little more patient about this. You're in a wrought state of mind, you may make decision you will regret…"

"I won't regret this. I need this." I closed my eyes, trying to control the emotion in my voice. "Please."

Otoha-san sighed. "I understand. I will do as you say."

"It's almost funny," I murmured. "How easy it will be to excise her from my life. We really were just brief, chance acquaintances, after all…"

"That's all anyone ever is," Otoha-san observed from the doorway. "But we come to know people."

"And sometimes we turn away at that point." I scowled. No, was this really it? There should be something else-

My hand flew to my pendant, closing around it with a snap. No. No. No, no, no, no. Anything but that.

It's ironic, isn't it? I smirked viciously. Before, I considered this some kind of blessing, some kind of sign. Now I understand she was usurping something that belonged only to me and father, and I don't want her chains around my neck from now on. But it's not something I can simply cast aside. This pendant is still full of my father's precious feelings… again; I can't be overruled by my adolescent feelings. I should be maturer than that, rather than being dismayed by simple associations.

Nor should I find this a reminder of something I consider my fault. Heaping myself high with guilt and pain won't change anything now. It's already over.

Otoha-san returned, handing me my phone. "Here. If you are certain, Ojou-sama."

I flipped it open and turned it on, finding her number in the list and letting my thumb hover over delete. Memories flooded me. Her voice over the phone. Our talks about everything. My doubts and her reassurances. Her doubts and my reassurances. Her beauty, her laugh, her smile. A chance meeting on the crossroads. Her body in my arms. That precious feeling, of restfulness and belonging.

I raped her, and she hates me. All of that is over now, and it will never come again.

I pressed delete. And after a while, I put the phone aside.

Otoha-san put tea in front of me. "Here. Please enjoy it."

"Thank you," I said, mouthing the form of the words without thinking. I picked up the cup and sipped it, blinking rapidly. She'd added her special addition again.

Maybe it worked, or maybe all I needed to do was simply to give my mind a chance to rest. In any case, I felt a little more ready to face the world again. "Beyond the essay, what business do I have outstanding?"

"Ojou-sama, it is best if you rest," Otoha-san said. "Take tomorrow off, I will call the appropriate people. Use the time to do something you enjoy doing. If you want anything, you should buy it, too."

"Isn't that weakness?" I said sharply. "Sitting around doing nothing."

"No," Otoha-san shot back. "Throwing yourself into your work into you breakdown is weakness. Being so afraid of losing face you drive yourself so far you can't bear it is weakness. It is better if you take the necessary steps to relieve yourself of your stress now."

I sighed, seeing the sense in her words. "I understand. Bring me paper."

Otoha-san nodded, taking paper and pen from the side and passing it to me. "What is it?"

"Buy me a Wii," I said, writing fast. "A second controller, and these games." I ripped the paper deftly, handing it to her. "But don't cancel anything. I will do an ordinary day tomorrow."

"But-"

"Routine is also a comfort to me," I said. "And I know myself. I don't need the unnecessary guilt of perceiving myself as lazy on top of my current feelings. Since that's a flaw of mine, please let me indulge it."

"I understand."

I snorted. "And if you have any tubs of ice cream, I've heard that helps too. Putting that aside, tell me what business I have outstanding. It gives me something to think about."

"Well, I have prepared a present for Eikou-sama and his family, as you instructed. Shall I post it?"

"I will take it round on Monday," I said. "But bring me the card to sign now. Anything will do."

Otoha-san nodded, walking off again.

I watched her go, fingers playing uncomfortably over my pendant. So obedient.

My thoughts stirred again in the space of time, dragging everything back. My passion, my pain, my anger, the dull sound as I struck Ogami, Himeko's fears… all of it makes me sick to the stomach, ill from guilt and dismay. Riding high on such immature feelings, it's only inevitable I would crash. And what's left behind now doesn't feel quite like myself. I'm going through the motions, of everything. Of gathering myself together, and being strong and instructing Otoha-san, and keeping busy, all of it rings false right now. Even my ambitions feel fake, and my family, and my memories of them. Everything.

Bearing the burden of sin is one thing. But feeling such guilt and pain for something I in one sense never did is somehow worse. I don't have any need to 'deal' with that. In this case, walking away from it is fine. She also has no desire to stay.

"What the fuck did you people do to her?" Mako-chan screamed.

I whimpered, facing the wall and pulling the covers tighter around my body. Tears ran fresh down my cheeks again as I relieved every miserable moment of the confrontation, over and over. Chikane's pain. Chikane's doubt. And, the demonic Chikane I know only from my dreams, venomous and cold and terrible, stripping me with her eyes, cornering me with her voice and her glare, leaving me shivering and trembling with fear…

"Look, I don't know exactly was said!" Souma shouted back. "This isn't my fault!"

"Well, who am I supposed to blame? She goes to eat lunch with you and comes back alone four hours later a gibbering wreak! Where the hell have you been?"

"I was knocked out, in case you didn't hear me the first three times," Souma barked back. "What the fuck do you expect me to do? This was between them, it went badly wrong, I even tried to stop things at that point and I was knocked out! Would it help if I was dead?"

"I expect you not to mess up this badly. What the hell were you thinking, even letting them meet in that situation?"

"If I didn't let them meet, you'd be on my case for being jealous and obstructive! Face it, this isn't my fault! Go and scream at Himemiya, it'll make you feel better. Don't blame me if she makes you cry, though."

"Fine! I will!"

I closed my eyes, trying to cover my ears with both hands. God. Why couldn't they stop? I'd had enough; I've suffered too much already, too much anger, too much hate, too much pain. It was bad enough that my fantasy had crumbled into poison and ash, so I didn't want this. This feeling that everything in my life was gangrene.

"What is her number, anyway?" Mako-chan asked in frustration.

"How the hell would I know?"

"Himeko's phone, Himeko's phone…"

"Stop it," I said sharply.

"No way. I don't know what you're going to say about Chikane-chan or whatever but I'll call anyone who leaves you like this on their bullshit," Mako-chan said forcefully. "It's not negotiable."

"This has nothing to do with you," I said, my throat constricting. I pushed myself up, staring at the back of her neck. "Listen to me."

"You should just rest," Mako-chan said irritably. "Leave this to me."

"This has nothing to do with you!" I cast around blindly and threw the first thing that came to hand. My alarm clock cracked against the back of her head before falling, my breath coming fast as I slowly lowered my hand. My anger… my anger wasn't fading.

Mako-chan yelped and turned, giving me a horrified look. Her hand rubbed the back of her head. "Himeko…"

"I told you, didn't I?" I screamed. "I'm sick of everyone messing around with me!" And somewhere in that sentence the tears started to follow again, fuelled by anger as much as sorrow, a crazed, impotent rage. "Each and every one of you, you say you're protecting me, but really you just take me and screw with me and hurt me and throw me away! I'm sick of it! Sick of everything!"

"That's wrong," Mako-chan said hurriedly. "I'd never-"

"Hurt me? Everyone says that! All of you!" I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my already sodden cheeks. "Chikane, Souma, Makoto, even my foster parents, you all say that! I'm sick of it! Why can't you just leave me alone!"

Mako-chan stared at me, ashen faced. She looked like she was also about to cry, something that made me feel a flicker of guilt. She opened her mouth to say something, but Souma silenced her with a swift touch to the shoulder. They carried on in silence; Souma sitting while Mako-chan retreated to the kitchen.

For my part, I lay back again and closed my eyes, feeling even worse than before. It's not just with Chikane. Everything is rotting. So it has to be my fault. Because I'm a terrible person. I must have done something to deserve this. Something to deserve everything. Even the… even that… I sobbed, biting my lip and trying not to make a sound. What could I possibly have done that was terrible enough to deserve that? I don't understand. I don't understand anything. Why are my hopes always shattered, my happiness always betrayed? It's always been this way; there's nothing in my life that remains sacred. Why, why, is it like that? What did I do? Why does god and the world and life itself despise me?

"This isn't your fault."

I ignored him. Even he's against me, without understanding anything at all.

"There isn't anything anyone can do, in a situation like this. I know it's incredibly hard and the world is incredibly dark, and you can't see how anything could ever be right again… but you have to bear with it. If you're patient, the world will change. We'll help you. We do care about you."

"You don't understand anything-"

"Don't tell me I don't understand!" Souma caught himself, lowering his voice again. "Because I do. We do. I was there, before, and I couldn't do anything but wait for you… and you were there for me. I also understand. I've also seen it, the true blackness of despair. That's why I know. You'll get through this. You've done it before."

"That was different," I said weakly.

"Yes, it was. You were younger and weaker, not as strong as you are now."

"I'm not strong."

"You're strong. I remember it. The Himeko who stood up even after her world had been destroyed… I remember that."

I breathed out raggedly, my limbs shivering. With my foster parents. And in our dreams and memories, too. "Why… why did something like that happen… why would Chikane-chan-"

"I don't know."

"I-" I broke off, closing my eyes and burying my face in the pillow. It was no good. There was no way I could understand. Maybe there wasn't anything left to understand.

My hand found my pendant, grasping it tight. And I remembered Chikane-chan smiling down at me, destroyed, and pulled. The string dug into my neck painfully but I ignored it and kept pulling, harder and harder. It cut into my skin. Finally, the string snapped. I dropped it over the side of the bed without looking at it.

I've had enough of being betrayed. If I stop dreaming, this won't happen ever again.

I leaned my hands against the wall, feeling the cold water wash over my head, dragging my hair down in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes, trying to fight down the bile in my throat.

I did that too, when I was trying to cope. It doesn't help.

"Shut up," I gasped, resting my forehead against the slick tiles. I'm sick of this, sick of everything, I'm sick myself, ill, twisted, wrong. I just want sleep. And what I need is answers. "Why?" I asked. "Why did you do that? Am I just that fucked up? Was it revenge? Resentment? Twisted love?"

There wasn't any reply, not even from the voices in my head.

Why was I expecting there to be an answer? None of this makes any sense. None of it, not one part of it, has made me happy, made me content, everything was a lie. Her smile only served to conceal the reality of our difference, the unbridgeable gulf between our feelings.

She made a fool of me. I made a fool of myself. And I did something that betrayed me and everything I believe in.

My limbs shivered convulsively but I fought to resist, turning and resting my back against the wall instead. Even though the water was flowing down my body in rivulets, I didn't feel any cleaner. I turned it higher, looking up into the spray and trembling from its cold, cruel caress. This was fine. I couldn't feel anything like this, any perversions. If I knew I was sick, I could deal with it. There were methods. Things I could do. Pain, too. Pain kills sexual desire. I've been too lax, too complacent, too naïve. But I can manage my body. I've been given a second chance, a clear understanding of how dangerous I really am. If I bear that in mind and discipline myself carefully, it should be okay. I'll control myself, pace myself, distance myself if necessary, and when the time comes for marriage I'll force myself to go through with it. And if this feels bleak it's nothing, nothing compared with my despair at myself. What I did. I rubbed my stomach compulsively, trying to remove my stubbornly clinging sweat. I could rid myself of this dirt.

There had to be an answer. I just had to look for it. An answer other than black despair, because I'm not ready to believe that I'm evil, a manifest demon, the perfect Orochi, a being so cold and sociopathic that she has no ties and no doubt and no feeling, no love, more than able to do the most horrible thing imaginable to that girl, to mock her and strike her and strip her and drive her down and take her, ignoring the screams and ignoring the blood, without flinching, smiling at her broken doll-self, wings snapped and clipped, wretched, invisibly chained and coiled, drowned in my musk and my presence, stigmatised by me… my fingernails dug into the skin of my stomach, scratching furiously, as I gagged, my head lolling back. This… this kind of sin… I threw my head backwards, banging it violently against the wall. Pain reverberated through my skull, banishing the shadows of dark memories. I welcomed it.

I know that there's no excuse for what I did then, no reason, no forgiveness, I'd crossed a line that could never be taken back and violated the inviolate, the most important person to me. That's akin to rejecting the entire world, they're one and the same. If that was the consequence of my life, I couldn't accept anything within it… I couldn't claim to deserve life. I shifted my hands, rubbing my arms compulsively and shivering. Yes, that was an unforgivable sin. But it's not just chained to my memories, this illness, this disease. My lust is real, potent, undying, and to think that I looked on her with such eyes. My head twitched back, rubbing against the cold tiles. And the things I admitted to her, the things I said today, they also cannot be forgiven, nor can they be taken back. I've betrayed my promises and all of her hopes and faith in me, said something that should never be said, struck her friend, shouted at her for my fault, subjected her to my anger and fear… even so, I can't renounce that anger, these selfish feelings, even now I've seen the end result of them I can't mitigate this seed of twisted resentment, its roots roiled round my heart. I'm not wrong, she's wrong. For not loving me. I'm not wrong, the world is wrong. For rejecting me. I am filthy, I am wrong. My nails dug into my upper arms, carving bloody welts there, but it still didn't clear my mind.

I jerked my head back, banging it against the wall again. That was a little better.

I looked hazily upwards, watching the play of light through the water. My thoughts swim and they want to swallow me, I don't have any brilliance, any understanding, any reply. But I can find answers. I just- have to- sleep. My neck jerked back again, a crack echoing through the shower. It hurts. Of course. I can't be weak. I can't back down now. I did it again, harder this time, and my vision swam, but my thoughts cleared as I focused on the pain. Yes, better, this was… so much better… I couldn't hate myself just for being in pain… another crack, more shooting pain, and my legs felt weak. Something thick and liquid began to drip, mixing with the water.

I must fall to breathe, and debase myself. I understand that.

I am standing on Orochi's Torii gate. I lean forwards, spread my arms, and fall without regret-

The scene changes. I am standing in a shrine, and looking at myself, clad in robes. Two of myself, besides me, with two Himeko facing opposite us. One pair stands in attendance, to the side. The other pair sits on cushions, back to back. And that other I looked up at me. "Good day."

"I want your answers."

"Do you know the questions you want to ask? I can tell you about my motives, but I can't take away your pain and guilt." The other I's arms were folded, covering her chest. "Don't forget that my emotions and thoughts are not yours… I'm not the person you need to talk to."

"Please leave this to me," Rook says, glancing down at her doppelganger. She doesn't have her sword today. "I can take care of it. You shouldn't force yourself."

"Who are you?" My legs folded under me and I collapsed, gasping for breath. "What is this… pressure…"

"I am the Black Queen. If we're continuing that metaphor." The other I glances at me. "I am the most complete of all the memories. Possibly, I have an independent existence the others lack. It is hard to say. It is difficult for you to stay here, and I cannot leave."

I place my hand on the ground, holding myself up, and stare back. "So you are the true Chikane Himemiya of my past. Then answer me. Why did you rape Himeko?"

"It was in order to… facilitate the necessary sacrifice…" Rook wiped her brow with her sleeve without a word, while the Queen panted for breath. Eventually, she spoke again. "Ame No Murakumo's absolute condition is the sacrifice of one Miko by the other's hand. So Himeko could despise me, I became a demon, and made her hate me while foreseeing that I would be cast into oblivion and from her memory, leaving her with no lingering regrets, everything my shadow said was correct. What I did, I did in guilt, and sin, and self-hate, and regret… all for that… but…" The Queen's head falls forwards, her arms swaying.

"You're going too far!" Rook glares at me. "Every time she speaks, she is pained, and she has been speaking unendingly to try and correct your mistakes! This is enough!"

"That is not the important thing… that is not the answer you seek…" The Queen wavers visibly. "You are not I, my sin is not your own, and Himeko…"

My own body shakes, flayed by the intense atmosphere. This place is more than I can bear, it makes me feel cornered, trapped, watched by a being beyond my comprehension…

The Queen's arms fall to her sides, revealing a great mess of blood. Rook's sword pierced her heart, buried to the hilt. Just below it, the tip of an identical blade extruded, covered in her blood. "Does love you. You must have what I could not have… not just humility…"

Rook stands, materialising her bow and drawing an arrow. "Enough!"

"Daring to love." The Queen smiles.

I stare in horror at her mangled torso, eyes widening as Rook shoots me between the eyes.

Once again, I am at the Torii gates. I look over the edge, into the purple-tinted abyss, but this time I simply sat, dangling my legs over the edge. And I stare; looking for something I couldn't see and wouldn't recognise.

Her hair rustles in the slight wind with me. "I could ask you what you want to see, but that doesn't matter now."

I smirk despite myself, laughing helplessly. Eventually, I calm enough to speak, wiping the tears from my eyes. "It really is true, isn't it? All of this. Everything."

"You asked for this, and you received this. You never heeded any of my warnings… as I knew before we'd even met you would do. Our feet unerringly find the path of tragedy and regret."

She sounds very tired, for once. I ignore those words. "Why is it always here? Why not the school or the mansion? Is this where we belong?"

"It's this you accept. This despair and bleak regret. You can no longer receive the happy days we had together, it is those you reject and cast away. I am the same." Rook pauses for a moment, and manages some swagger in her voice. "We should be different. What are you doing, for god's sake…making all of this so vain and pointless is in pretty bad taste, you know."

"What do expect me to do?" I demand sharply. "Pretend none of this has ever happened? I've already burned everything with anger and fear; there's nothing to come back to. Don't make me regret it."

"No, you're not mistaken."

I blink. "Huh? But-"

"She still has faith. The complete one. I am different." Rook's voice is clipped and cool again. "Ame no Murakumo will never cease reincarnating us and asking for sacrifice…do you think you know despair? Do you think you know pain? You're wrong. You've never been asked to kill, or to die by her hands."

I look down, sighing. "So what is it? My life? Is it real, or is that the dream?"

"It is a reforging. To remake the destined love, the power fractured time and again by our hazy memories. But if you break the chains of fate and reject that love, Ame No Murakumo will abandon us." Rook takes a breath. "Live without her. Free you, I, the Queen, everything, from this fate. It's the only sensible choice, and the only free choice we've ever had."

I look at the palm of my hand. "There's no choice. I told you, I've already destroyed everything. The only thing I have left is regret."

"Don't underestimate her."

"Who? Ame no Murakumo?"

"No. Himeko."

I smile weakly. "It's rare, to hear you speak so softly."

"Don't delude yourself more than necessary," Rook says haughtily.

I grasped my arms again, changing the subject. "The Queen…Chikane Himemiya…why is she run through with swords?"

"I don't know. Probably, that is also Ame No Murakumo's will."

"Before an angry god, we are abject," I note.

"There are other possibilities," Rook adds darkly.

"And she can't see her, can she? Himeko." There's no reply, so I simply stare into the void.

"I don't suppose there is anything you want to see?" Rook asks after a while.

"Yes." I look up at the sky, denying my tears. "I want to see Himeko."

Finally, I can look up at the ceiling without tears blurring my eyes. But I can't sleep, either.

I don't have any anger left in me. I don't have any sorrow, either. Nor can I feel fear. All I have left is bleak, blank, despair, an utter, baffled incomprehension. Why? Why did Chikane-chan do that? Why did she become an Orochi? Why did she shout at me and hurt me?

Why does she love me? How can she love me, with the things she's done?

How could I not notice her feelings, and still call myself her friend?

"Hey, Himeko. Can you eat?" Mako-chan asked quietly. "I've made you some soup."

"Thank you." I smiled weakly. "You two should be more lively again. I'd hate it if you stayed like this all evening, just because of me…"

"Yeah, well. It's not your fault, but there's not very much to smile about." Mako-chan handed me the soup before stepping back. "Don't spill it on yourself, okay?"

I sat up slightly, taking it. "Mako-chan… sorry, I said horrible things to you-"

"No, you're right," Mako-chan said, turning hurriedly away. "I thought I was protecting you, but I was just using you as an excuse to gratify my own anger… I was really horrible back there."

"No, that's not true at all!" I said hurriedly. "It's because I was in a terrible state, I misinterpreted everything, even when you were doing me good."

"Himeko." Mako-chan glanced back at me, smiling wanly. "Sometimes other people are in the wrong, not you."

"I… know. But," I met her eyes. "I will always forgive them."

"Tomorrow, we're going out," Mako-chan said, turning away and walking back to the lounge. "The two of us together. And we're going to mess around all day and forget about homework, just like before."

"I'll look forwards to it," Souma said quietly.

I looked down at my lap, trying my soup quietly. My neck felt really strange without my pendant, but I fought back the itching sensation. I… wasn't wrong. I need to start living in the real world, rather than clinging to memories and fantasy.

I just think that, somehow, we could have had a better ending than this.