A/N: Lots of reactions over the last chapter and I had already braced myself for every single one of them. I want to do things completely unexpected and I think that did it!The LJ lover inside of me hated doing it, but I'm really just trying to develop all of these characters and that was a turning point. Lily isn't perfect and just lost the one person she thought she could depend on. Sirius is slowly losing control and downward spiraling but he doesn't even know it. James is so lost and broken and confused and he let it get the better of him. Remus is unhappy and a lot of that is being taken out on Sirius. These four people are my four favorite characters and I realize that right now, they aren't the people any of us want them to be. But there's a war going on. And all of them are actively fighting in said war. It's going to take a lot out of them to be able to survive not only the war but also themselves. But they will get there. Just be patient!

Speaking of patience, Riley will return when you least expect it. So keep on reading.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling I am not.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 25: Of Rashes, Fate, & Grant

++SIRIUS++

"So you going to tell me why you feel like crap and the lowest of low?" Keegan asked beside me, the sheets pulled up to her shoulders to cover her naked body.

Oh, yeah, sure. Lily and James broke up, I slept with Lily, Remus found out, and now he's moving out to go live with James while leaving me behind because I made judging accusations to him about his relationship with Jillian. "No," I murmured instead, my gaze fixated on the crinkled ceiling.

Keegan rolled over so that she was facing me, propping herself up on her elbow and cradling her head in the palm of her hand. "Are you alright?" she dared to ask.

I nodded. "Fine."

She frowned. "No, you're not."

I merely shrugged. "Of course I'm not. It's why I'm feeling like crap and the lowest of low."

She hesitated, leaning back against the pillow. "This is more than you just having a bad day, isn't it."

"You could say that," I muttered, ignoring her concerned gaze.

She sighed when I didn't elaborate, her gaze continuing to scrutinize me.

"Stop staring at me, it's disconcerting."

"Ooh, big word for you."

I shot her a look but cracked a smile when I saw her grinning teasingly at me. "Why must you always be annoying?" I snickered, elbowing her with a wink.

"Eh, it's what I do best."

I laughed and was grateful for it. This I what I needed. Just a reason to forget about that weekend.

She turned to me, propping herself up once again to face me with a curious look in her eye. "So, I have to ask, is this going to turn into a recurring thing?" she spoke.

When I turned to glance at her, I saw a teasing smile on her face. And I couldn't help but laugh. "I guess that depends on how many days we have where we feel like crap and the lowest of low."

She chuckled, winking at me. "Guess we'll be doing this a lot then."

I, too, roared with laughter. "There are worse things."

Her smile didn't waver but there was definitely a flicker of hesitance in her eye.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I didn't say anything."

"I know, but I can tell you wanted to."

She shrugged and turned over so that she was facing the ceiling beside me. She pulled the sheet up below her chin vulnerably. "How did we get here?"

"Well, I knocked on your door, I kissed you, and then you pulled me into your bedroom. The rest is history."

She smacked my shoulder with a laugh. "That's not what I meant, Black."

I forced a smile out. "Yeah, I know," I murmured. "But I don't really have an answer to your question, so…"

"You went with a joke," she responded with a smile. "How typical of you."

"Did you expect anything less?"

"Nope."

I smiled at her and was surprised to see her smiling back at me.

"I'm sorry for whatever has brought you here, Black."

My heart skipped a beat. "Eh, I could think of worse things."

She nudged me with her elbow, laughing. "Can't you ever be serious for like five minutes?"

"Can't say that's possible, no."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't know what brought you here, but I do know what I was feeling when I knocked on your door last night so I am sorry," she said softly.

I frowned and turned away from her. Silence followed and I was grateful that Keegan didn't say anything. I should have made another joke. I should have said something to ease the tension. I should have gathered my clothes and left. She should have kicked me out. We did neither. Eventually, I spoke to answer her earlier question. "I think we got here because we both understand the pain of being left behind by someone we love. And even though for so long we both acted as if it was better to be alone in that feeling, I think it brings us both a little bit of comfort knowing that inevitably, we aren't the only ones dealing with that heartbreak."

When I turned towards her, I saw defeat in her eyes and I knew she agreed with me. "Yeah," she said softly. "Because in the end, being alone sucks."

I met her gaze and instinctively leaned over to kiss her. Our legs tangled under the sheets as our tongues tangled together as well. When I pulled apart, she asked the question I was trying to avoid. "What exactly are we doing?"

I groaned and turned over. "Damn, do I hate that question."

She cringed. "I do, too," she admitted. "But we live across the hall from each other and our friends are friends. We're going to run into each other."

"I'm pretty sure we've gone from our friends are friends to we are friends with the first orgasm from last night."

She laughed and lightly punched my shoulder. "There you are being crass again."

"It's what I do best," I chuckled, winking at her.

"Now stop avoiding the question."

"I'm more interested to hear what you have to say."

"Cop out."

"Yep."

She grinned. And then I did. "You're not so bad to fool around with," she teased.

"Right back at ya."

She turned back towards me, letting the sheet slide down to expose her perky breasts. "Sirius, I feel like I should tell you right off the bat that I don't want a relationship. With anyone really. You're still Sirius and I'm still Keegan. We barely like each other! This is nothing but just a casual fling, right? Nothing more?"

"Gee, what sweet pillow talk."

She couldn't help but laugh, trying to shoot me an unamused look with very little success. "Sirius."

"Hey, I'm not interested in a relationship either. Have I ever been interested in a relationship?"

She shrugged. "I just wanted to be clear before this goes any further."

I followed suit and shrugged also. "Guess this means this is going further?"

She grinned and sealed it with a kiss.

++KEEGAN++

I was settled into my couch, recently showered with my hair thrown up into a messy bun, with my notes from the Potter exposé in my hand and a blanket over my lap. A glass of wine sat on the coffee table in front of me and a weirdly content smile rested on my face even as I read more in depth about Wyatt Potter's childhood.

I don't know why I wasn't surprised, but late that night there was a knock on my door. I rolled my eyes and with my blanket still around my shoulders, I trudged to the door with a grin and opened it. "What, come back for another quick—Lily?" I said, surprised and confused. "What are you doing here?"

Immediately, tears started filling her eyes. "You haven't found another roommate yet, have you?"

++LILY++

I spent the entire night crying into my pillow. I didn't know who I disliked more. James for breaking up with me or myself for doing something so incredibly stupid by apparently trying to find comfort by sleeping with Sirius. I wanted to erase that weekend from my mind forever. I wanted to believe that it had all just been some terrible nightmare and I was going to wake up from it all to the life I had on Friday. I wanted to be anyone but me.

Unfortunately, as much as magic can do, it can't turn me into anyone else.

I couldn't tell you exactly what had happened with Sirius and in fact, I could deny the fact that anything happened because I couldn't remember it, but I knew in my heart that the very worst had happened. A person just knows. So I knew deep down that we had slept together no matter how much I tried pretending it was all just an allusion. A terrible, cringe-worthy allusion that I wanted to destroy from my mind forever. Except I couldn't. It was always going to be there and I couldn't just be under the pretense that if I stopped thinking about it, our actions would suddenly become untrue.

Sirius had always been there for me in ways I had never particularly realized until now. He was James' brother and in a way that meant that he was mine, too. Or at least it meant he was going to look out for me because that's what brothers did to their loved ones. Sirius had often come to my rescue when I needed saving. When Jaron had died and it nearly broke James for good, it wasn't just James' side that Sirius stood next to. He made it a point to seek me out and help me through the tough time. And Sirius knew that it wasn't just a tough time because Jaron had died but also because James was struggling through it and that was heartbreaking for me to watch. Sirius knew the difference between the moments where I needed a crying shoulder (and he was always there for provide it to me) and the moments where I just needed a drink (he was always the first one to pour me a shot). He knew when I was upset and he knew when I was trying to hide it with a fake smile on my face. He knew when I wanted to be alone and when I would just say I wanted to be alone because vulnerability was always something I hated showing. He knew me. Not sure I would have wanted anyone else sitting beside me on that bar stool at Blarney's but it should have stopped there. It should have stopped! It killed me knowing what had happened between us. It shocked me to no end.

But, and I can't believe I'm actually saying 'but' right now, at the same time, crazier things have probably happened. I had been so incredibly distraught and overwhelmed by the break-up with James and Sirius was there providing me with the comfort and the reassurance that I had so desperately needed. He had been my crying shoulder and shot-provider all rolled into one. But when the crying shoulder and the shots didn't work, we took it a step too far and we can't take it back now.

No matter how much I wish I could.

++KAY++

I was running the fourth floor waiting room when I saw Sirius out of the corner of my eye. My first instinct was panic as to why he was there at the hospital, but when I saw him flirting with the new mediwitch running the desk I knew he was fine.

"Oh, Sirius!" I greeted with a grin. "Have you come back to get that rash on your arse looked at?"

The mediwitch (Jenny I think her name was but all the newbies often run together in my mind) recoiled before becoming suddenly busy with a patient that had a burn on the side of his face.

Sirius scowled at me. "So uncalled for."

I laughed, linking arms with him and steering him away from the front desk. "What are you doing here?"

"Harnish is around here somewhere. We have a meeting with the Chief of Mediwitch Staff about staffing for the Quidditch World Cup in Britain this summer."

"Why you?"

He shrugged. "I was just appointed to the British ambassador of the Quidditch World Cup Committee."

I was impressed. "Seriously? Congratulations. That's awesome!"

He rolled his eyes. "Means I get to be spending more time with my dear boss Harnish."

"Oh, sure, play it cool but I know you're screaming with excitement inside," I teased, elbowing him playfully.

"I don't scream. I like to keep my vocal cords primed for more important things. Like flirting."

"With that rash on your arse?"

I laughed as he shoved me into the wall as we rounded the corner. "I guess I should get back to the injured wizards moaning and groaning in the lobby. Congratulations again, Sirius. You deserve it." And he did. It amazed me how far he had actually come. Four years earlier, he was a mess. He would have drunk and slept his life away if we all hadn't intervened and forced him to become the guy we all knew he could be. And now he was actually quite ambitious and work-driven. I was proud of him.

"Hey, Kay?"

I turned back around. "Yeah?"

"How…how's Lily doing?" he murmured, his gaze filled with guilt and remorse.

"Er…how's she doing with what?" I asked, confused.

I saw shock resting in his eyes. "She didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" I asked hesitantly, unsure I even wanted to hear what he had to say.

He frowned. "When was the last time you talked to her?" he asked softly.

I shrugged, trying to think back. "Er….New Year's Day I guess. Why?"

His next words stopped me in my tracks. "James and Lily broke up."

I froze. Literally, I froze. With my mouth hung open and my eyes wide. I was convinced I didn't hear him right. No way, no how. It couldn't be true. "That's a joke, right?" I snapped.

"Would I joke about something like that?"

I frowned, my bottom lip trembling. "Well, it has to be a joke because there's no way in hell I could ever believe those two broke up," I said hoarsely.

"Well, believe it."

"No."

Sirius took a few cautious steps towards me, his gaze fixated on me with a glint of agony hiding behind his grey eyes. "Kay," he spoke softly. "Believe it."

I had to sit down. The only thing around was a gurney so I fell on to it as I absorbed the shock of the idea of Lily and James breaking up. Lily Evans and James Potter. The two people that have overcome so much adversity and hatred to fall madly in love with each other. They made love look so easy. "How?" I spat out in an agonized whisper.

Sirius hoisted himself up on the gurney beside me, offering me a sad smile. "He…he told her that he didn't love her anymore."

For the life of me, I cannot remember what I had been thinking in that moment. Maybe nothing. Maybe my mind went blank. Because what could I possibly think? The idea of James Potter not loving Lily Evans was ludicrous. No, beyond ludicrous. And if Sirius didn't look so horribly broken, I may have really believed this was a joke. "This is some horrible nightmare, right?" I murmured. "I'm about to wake up and realize none of this is real?"

Sirius slowly shook his head. "No," he murmured. "But I bet that's what Lily is wishing right about now."

I turned to him, my bottom lip beginning to tremble. "They really did break up, didn't they."

He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to.

++JAMES++

"You look like shit."

Just the words I wanted to hear first thing on a Monday morning. "Thanks, Alice," I muttered, sinking into my chair.

She shrugged. "Everything okay?"

"Just peachy."

I ignored the look that was exchanged between Alice and Sydny. I didn't have the energy to contemplate their womanly wiles.

"Were you meeting with someone this morning? Or in training?" Sydny asked curiously.

"No. Why would you ask that?"

"Because it's ten o'clock in the morning."

"And?"

"It's ten o'clock in the morning."

"Congratulations, you learned how to read time. Would you like a cookie or a sticker for your accomplishment?"

She scowled. "Potter! Remind me of the last time you showed up to the office after six o'clock in the morning."

"I don't have time to play guessing games, Lafreak."

"Yeah, that's because you showed up two hours late to work," she muttered, spinning back around on her chair to face her own desk. "Forget I asked. But just an FYI, Moody's been looking for you."

I shrugged. I should have cared that I trekked into work two hours after I should have. I should have cared that I was on Moody's radar. I should have cared that clearly Alice and Sydny were concerned. But I didn't. All I wanted to do was go back in time three days and figure out where it all went wrong.

That and I really wanted a six-pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes.

"POTTER!"

I groaned. "Is it too late to hide?" I muttered.

Alice glanced over her shoulder and grimaced. "Oh yeah, definitely." She offered me a sympathetic smile before quickly slinking back to her own desk.

I forced a smile on to my face as I heard Moody's booming footsteps approach me. "Good morning, Moody. How was your weekend?"

He was so not amused. "In my office now."

As he whirled around before letting me even get in a response, I heard my surname being called out once again.

"POTTER!"

I sighed. "That seems to be the word of the morning," I murmured. When I glanced over my cubicle wall, I was surprised to see Kay storming towards me.

"Kay? What are you doing here?" I asked, confused.

"Hey! This isn't a time for chit-chat," Moody barked, glaring at me and shooting a curious look Kay's way. "It's Kay, right? You're going to have to get in line to scold James Potter. He's on my time right now."

She scowled. "He's going to be on no one's time in about three seconds because I'm going to murder him with my bare hands."

"With a roomful of Aurors? Is that wise?" Sydny muttered with a teasing smile.

Three identical impatient glares turned towards Sydny.

She slumped down in her chair with a cringe. "I have a feeling none of you are particularly in the mood for jokes," she said with a sheepish grin.

"Potter, in my office now," Moody urged. "Kay, feel free to stick around. This shouldn't take long."

"If you think I'm going to wait around to get an answer as to why the hell James Potter told his girlfriend of four years that he doesn't love her anymore, you really are mad!" she snapped, her voice booming throughout the entire Department.

And suddenly the usual hustle and bustle, the idle chitchat, the sounds of quills running across parchment, the sparks flying from wands, the ding of the elevator, the slurps of coffee cups, and the footsteps of Aurors wandering the hallway went completely silent. Not a peep was heard. People froze. Mouths dropped. I saw Frank and Fabian peek over their cubicle wall at me not so subtly, I saw shock flashing in Alice's eyes from down the hallway, I noticed Nora Gilmore cowering in her doorway as she snuck a look my way, and I watched as Sydny's typical guarded expression became reproachful. Even Moody was looking at me in utter disbelief. Voldemort and his Death Eaters were forgotten as I suddenly became the headline news of the British Auror Department.

I slithered down in my chair, wondering if I prayed hard enough if the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

No such luck.

"You did what?"

I cringed at the shock and horror in Alice's voice. Turning towards Kay, I sighed. "Do you mind if we continue this discussion anywhere else but here?"

She ignored me. "How could you do that to her, James?" she said, her voice hoarse and angst-ridden. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"I'm not having this conversation here, Kay," I said, trying to come off as strong and firm as I possibly could. I glanced over her shoulder towards Moody. "Hell, I'll take a scolding from Moody over having this conversation here. You wanted me in your office, sir?"

Moody shrugged. The anger had subsided in his eyes. All that was there was pity and confusion. Two things I really didn't want to be on the receiving end of. "I was just going to reprimand you for 1) not turning in your crime reports from the attack on your home last week as they were due to me by eight o'clock this morning and 2) for showing up two hours late to work without so much as a warning. But I'm pretty sure I just got my answer to both."

"Oh, right, the crime reports," I murmured. They were sitting on my desk at home unfinished. I had been planning on polishing them off on Saturday but clearly neglected to do so while choosing to simply drink and sleep instead.

"Really? That's what you're going to focus on right now? The damned crime reports?" Kay drawled, the anger and disappointment in her voice still evident.

"Seriously, Kay, I do not need your flair for the dramatic right now," I snapped, pushing my chair back from my desk and abruptly standing up. I had no idea where I was planning on going but I sure as hell was not about to stand there and be judged by Kay. And everyone else in that bloody Department. Didn't they all have better things to do than gossip about the deterioration of my life?

Based on the rage pouring out of her now widened eyes, I had a feeling she didn't appreciate my comment. "James Potter, I seriously could just strangle you without using a wand and I'd be perfectly okay with going to Azkaban for it! That's how much you deserve to be throttled right now! If you wanted to break up with her, you couldn't have found a better way to do it than to just blatantly tell her that you don't love her anymore? I mean, who the hell does that!? Were you trying to hurt her in the worst way possible!?"

"Yes, that was my every intention," I muttered sarcastically.

"This isn't a joking matter, Potter!" she barked. "My best friend is hurting right now by a guy she put 100% of her ultimate trust into. You betrayed everything that you two stood for by telling her the five worst words a girl could hear from the guy she's madly in love with. A guy she never thought she could love until you bloody gave her a reason to! And you just decided to take that away from her?"

"Kay-"

"You bought her a goddamned engagement ring!" she shouted, her voice filling the entire Department. "You were supposed to propose to her! You were planning on proposing to her! How could you go from wanting to marry her to falling out of love with her? What could have possibly happened in two months, James Potter? Two months!"

"You were going to ask her to marry you?" Alice spoke up in surprise.

I groaned, ignoring her. "Kay, please just-"

"Please just nothing. It took a lot out of her to fully let you into her life. She gave you everything. You were her everything. For years, she was broken up over the fact that she had lost her entire family in a single instant and yet somewhere in the last four years, you became her new family. She put everything she had into loving you. And when she felt you slowly slipping away, she didn't let go of you. She held on to you no matter how many times you chose work over her. No matter how many times you pushed her away, she still stood by your side. Every single second of pain you felt, she felt, too. She loved you unconditionally. And all she had ever asked for in return was for you to do the same. But instead of letting her in, you let her go. Damnit, Potter! You let the best thing that ever happened to you slip away!" she croaked out, her voice choking up with anger. She slowly shook her head, her eyes filled with defeat. "And what's worse is you don't seem to care."

I was very aware of everyone around me soaking in Kay's words and thus staring at me with such accusatory eyes. But what I was more aware of was that Kay was right. About everything up to the point where I didn't care. "I care, Kay," I said softly, my voice trembling. "You'll never understand how much, but I do care about her."

She frowned. "You just don't love her," she spoke, her words barely audible.

No, the problem is I love her too much. And that's why I had to let her go. "You don't understand. And you never will," I repeated defiantly.

"Help me understand," she pleaded, her voice once again nearly breaking. I realized then that it wasn't just Lily's heart I broke. I had also broken the heart of the people who had grown to love us as a couple.

I wanted to be able to make her understand but the problem was I barely understood it myself. "I-I can't," I whispered shakily, slipping past her and walking towards the elevator. While I could have really used a drink, I decided a pack of cigarettes would be a close second. I ignored the multitudes of curious eyes as they followed my every move towards the elevator.

"Potter, where are you going?" Moody cried out.

"I'm getting you that bloody crime report!" I snapped, tapping my foot impatiently against the floor as I waited for the elevator. I didn't care that I basically just cursed at my boss. And I didn't care that I had no intention of getting him the crime report anytime soon. He'd get it eventually.

"Potter, we are not done talking about this!" Kay's voice rang out across the entire Department. "You can't just run away from it!"

The elevator bell dinged and the door opened. I stepped in and turned around to look at her. "I'm not running," I said calmly, shrugging curtly. "I'm taking the elevator."

As the elevator doors closed in front of me, all that flashed through my head was the look on Lily's face when I told her I didn't love her.

I sighed. Maybe I would get two packs of cigarettes.

++SYDNY++

Hardly to my surprise, the moment James disappeared, the entire office was a buzz. Chaos ensued. Loud frantic whispers, shocked gasps, confused speculation filled the Department. All except for me, Kay, and Moody. We all remained mute on the matter, clearly too horrified by the news that Kay had relayed to all of us to even form the ability to speculate.

"He really told Lily he doesn't love her?"

Alice's voice shook me from the fuzziness in my own head. I turned towards Kay who was nodding solemnly. "Sirius told me this morning," she said. "And I just went to go see Lily who confirmed it."

"How is she?" Alice asked, her voice cracking.

"How would you be if Frank suddenly told you he didn't love you?" Kay muttered.

"Whoa, now, let's not go there," Frank was quick to argue, getting up from his chair to walk over to Alice. He placed a protective arm around her shoulder and drew her in close to him.

I didn't let the tears welling up in Alice's eyes go unnoticed. I had a feeling she couldn't imagine her life without Frank. And from what I could tell, James couldn't imagine his without Lily. Something deeper was definitely going on with him than what he claimed on the surface.

"She's a wreck but won't admit it," Kay sighed, answering Alice's earlier question. "She has this fake smile on her face, she's throwing herself into her work, and she barely spoke two words to me. I just think she's trying not to completely breakdown."

"What the hell is the matter with James?" Fabian sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. "It just doesn't make any sense. The guy fell in love with her when he first set his eyes on her as an innocent eleven-year-old kid. And apparently he was planning on asking her to marry him. I know he loves her. I know it. He and Lily have always been the ones…" he trailed off.

"That make the rest of us believe in love," Alice finished, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks. Probably because that sounded far too sappy for my taste.

No one responded but I had a feeling they were all agreeing with her. It once again confirmed that James was hiding something. While they continued to speculate (as did the rest of the office), I slipped out undetected. I wasn't surprised to find James smoking a cigarette in an alleyway near the Ministry.

"Are you trying to get fired?" I spoke, coming up behind him.

He didn't respond. He barely even moved. If he hadn't blinked, he could have passed for a statue.

"Feel free to say yes," I continued, shrugging as I leaned up against the brick wall. "Maybe being an Auror is something else you want to throw away as it is pretty obvious that you're not really a big fan of the way your life turned out."

"Would you be?" he finally muttered, taking a drag of the cigarette.

"Why'd you really break up with Lily?" I dared to ask.

He glared at me so vehemently, I actually cringed. "Stay out of my life, Lafevre."

"Can't do that. It's kinda my job."

"Get a new job," he sneered. "This one's a disaster."

"You're not a disaster."

"I didn't say I was. I said my life was."

"I have a feeling you believe they're one and the same."

No response. I knew I was right.

We both stood there in silence, James finishing his cigarette and me contemplating why I cared so much about James' break up.

Eventually, he turned back towards me. "Have you ever been in love?"

Instinctively, I recoiled. "Excuse me?"

"It's a simple question."

"Love is never simple."

"You're telling me," he murmured. "Now, answer the question."

I couldn't. Because the only person I had ever wondered if I could have loved I had only really met once. And now he's dead. "Being Slaughterhouse Syd didn't give me a whole lot of time or opportunity to meet guys. Unless I was killing them or throwing them into prison. And I don't really dig guys in black and white striped prison outfits."

"You could have just said no."

"You could have told your girlfriend you loved her considering we both know you do."

He frowned and met my smirking gaze. "I could have," he spoke softly. "But I didn't."

I had no idea what that meant. "Why?"

He thrust the pack of cigarettes towards me. "Want one?"

"You suck at changing the subject," I muttered, graciously reaching out for one. I flickered my wand and the cigarette was suddenly lit.

He didn't respond and I didn't expect him to. He smoked his cigarette, I smoked mine. And when we were done with those cigarettes, we just stood in silence. I didn't have much to say and I knew James didn't want me to say anything. So I didn't. I watched a dark cloud slowly drift our way and wondered if it was filled with rain or snow. And I wondered if the weather storm that was about to erupt was anywhere close to the mental storm swarming around in James' head.

++SIRIUS++

I was back on the Quidditch pitch, flying around and trying desperately not to think about the events that transpired over the weekend. But the more I tried not thinking about, the more I overanalyzed everything. And I came up with one conclusion.

I hated myself.

Remus had been right. I was unhappy – with my life, myself, the way things turned out – and I make terrible decisions because of it. That weekend alone proved that. I couldn't tell you exactly what had happened with Lily and me and where it went so wrong but even Drunk Sirius should have put a stop to things before it ever got taken as far as it did. I wanted to be able to blame the alcohol, but I knew better than that. I knew that Lily was in a state of shock and remorse, and as her friend I should have just been there to listen and to provide words of encouragement. And maybe it had started out that way, but I ended up comforting her the only way I had ever really known how to comfort anyone of the opposite sex. It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to James, and it wasn't fair to me. We all deserved better than the actions that had occurred between myself and Lily, and yet there was this small voice in the back of my head that was reminding me that I hadn't a clue what I deserved so how was I supposed to recognize it in a moment of drunken weakness?

And if that wasn't bad enough, after stupidly sleeping with Lily, I tried to avoid thinking about it and I tried to pretend that Remus' words weren't true no matter how hurtful they were by using sex with Keegan as a distraction. I knew I was known to sleep around. I knew that. But I never thought it could happen with Lily and Keegan.

Remus had every right to be mad at me because hell, I was mad at me, too.

When I am on the Quidditch pitch, nothing else mattered. It's just me and my broom and everything else in my life gets to be put on hold. But it doesn't last forever. Eventually I have to put my feet back on the ground and live the life I was given. I flew around for hours, trying to ignore my life back on solid ground, but eventually I had to face the reality of myself and my life.

As I drowned myself in the shower, I realized that there was still one more person who needed to know what happened with James and Lily.

Mrs. P smiled when she opened the door. "Twice in three days, hm? I'd say it's because you love me but I have a feeling you have an agenda."

I frowned knowingly. "You know how you asked me on Friday what was going on with your son?"

Her smile quickly faded. "Yes," she said hesitantly.

"Well, I still don't know the answer to that," I started (a partial lie, but I didn't want to burden Mrs. P with James' stupidity when she already worried more than enough for him), "but he just broke up with Lily."

A pause. And then – "He did what!?"

I nodded sullenly.

"But…but what!?"

"Yeah," I murmured. "He told her he didn't love her anymore."

"What the hell is wrong with my son!?"

Your guess is as good as mine, Mrs. P.

++LILY++

I think it was fate that made Nyger choose me to run down to the Wizengamot courtrooms in need of Amelia Bones' signature on some old trial transcripts being sent out to Germany. I think it was fate that the elevator on the north end of the ninth level was blocked off due to clean-up from an apparently nasty duel between two quarrelling Unspeakables so everyone in the building was forced to use the south end elevator. I think it was fate that the Auror training facilities had been evacuated earlier from a stinkbomb curse gone terribly wrong.

I hate fate.

That day had already been bad. I was getting pathetic pitying looks from my coworkers (apparently words spread fast), Kay had stopped in to attempt to cheer me up but it just inevitably made me feel worse because I knew she had a fiancé who adored her, Shane was rounding people up to tell them to leave me alone (which he thought I didn't know about but our Department wasn't exactly soundproof), and I could barely focus on the trade proposals that were supposed to be finalized by Wednesday and I was nowhere near completing.

And then I ran into James.

I had the transcripts with Amelia's signature in my hand heading back to my floor when the elevator opened and who should be standing there looking quite ragged (and yet annoyingly handsome) and smelling like rotten eggs. I froze. He froze. And then he cautiously entered the elevator, hitting the number 2.

I wanted to punch him. I wanted to smack him. I wanted to scream at him, to hex him, to curse him, to tell him I hated him. I wanted to kill him. Instead I muttered, "Four times."

He blinked. "What?"

My bottom lip trembled. "Three and a half years at this damn Ministry and I've run into you a total of four times in the elevator. And today just had to be one of those days."

He turned towards me. "Lily, I-"

"Don't say anything," I pleaded, shutting my eyes tightly. "I-I don't want to hear it. Please."

I could feel his eyes on me but was grateful when he kept his mouth shut. As the elevator slowly crept up, I couldn't help but wonder if it had always been this slow or if was just trying to torture me today. Either way, it was definitely working.

"Was there a day or a…a time? A moment? Something I said or did?" I whispered, not even realizing I had spoken until it was already out.

"What?"

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I had to blink furiously to not let the tears well up in my eyes. Eventually, I glanced up at him to ask the question I wasn't so sure I wanted to know. But a questioned I needed an answer to. I knew that James had been going through a lot lately but I never realized that it had anything to do with me and I had to know when he figured that out. "When did you realize you didn't love me anymore?" I whispered hoarsely. "What did I do?"

His expression softened with guilt. He opened his mouth to try and say something but nothing came out. He slowly shook his head. "Lily…" he could only say, his voice soft and filled with agony. Except he didn't get to be agonized. He was the one who betrayed me. Betrayed our relationship.

"Here I was loving you unconditionally thinking you were doing the same. Even when you were pushing me away. Even when you were throwing yourself into your work and neglecting our relationship. Even when we were fighting or bickering. None of that mattered because I loved you and I-I was a fool for thinking that you felt the same."

"I did feel the same," he spoke softly.

"Past tense," I snapped out in a hurt whisper.

Once again, his mouth opened as he attempted to defend himself. And once again, he said nothing.

The elevator dinged and opened on to my floor. I took a hesitant step, but put my hand up to keep the elevator from closing and slowly turned around to face him. I dared to look him in the eye, willing him to see the betrayal in my own. "And if that alone doesn't make me feel like a total fool, I actually thought that on our Anniversary you were going to propose to me," I whispered, my voice cracking. "So thank you for making me feel like the biggest idiot in the world, Potter."

I took my hand off the elevator door and it quickly shut, leaving James and myself completely separated.

Something I had better get used to.

++JAMES++

I thought the look on Lily's face when I had told her I didn't love her was enough to break my heart, but the look on her face as the elevators closed behind her was unbearable.

And what's worse is that she hadn't been wrong. I was supposed to propose to her. That had been my plan. And instead I let Voldemort get inside my head and change that inevitable plan.

I didn't bother heading back to my cubicle. I instead pressed the Lobby button and walked straight out of the Ministry and apparated home.

When I opened my door, in desperate need of a shower as I didn't particularly enjoy spelling like rotten eggs, I was bombarded with a scream.

"James Potter, what the hell did you do?"

I cringed, throwing my hands to my ears. "Mum! I'd like to keep my eardrums, thank you very much."

"And I'd like to keep Lily around but apparently that's not going to happen."

I froze. "Goddamnit, Sirius," I muttered under my breath.

"You love her, James. So why the hell would you say otherwise?" she demanded.

"Mum, I really have no desire to discuss with this you. As you can probably smell, I am covered in a stinkbomb spell gone wrong so if you don't mind, I'm going to hit the shower."

"I do mind," she spoke firmly, a glare sinking into her expression. "I'm your mother, James. I know when something is seriously wrong with you and it's very clear to me that you are going through something terrible. So please just talk to me."

"I don't want to talk, Mum," I murmured, shaking my head. "I just want to shower."

She frowned and I saw that her bottom lip began to tremble. She didn't speak immediately but I could have sworn slight tears suddenly blurred across her eyes. "James," she whispered achingly. "I don't want you to turn out like your father."

I blinked in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

Her lips pursed before she spoke. "He bottled his feelings in for years until he felt as if his only option to protect this family was to walk out on us. Is that what you did?"

My heart nearly stopped. Bloody hell, I really was my father. Not that I was going to admit that to Mum. "Please just…just stop. I-I don't want to talk about this," I whispered desperately.

Her frown deepened. "Don't bottle your feelings in, James. We all deserve better than that, including Lily. And frankly, so do you. I-I don't want you to ever feel like the only way to survive this war is to walk away from the people you love."

She knew me so well. "I'm not going anywhere, Mum."

She sighed. "Oh, honey," she whispered. "You're already gone."

I didn't have to ask her what she meant by that because I wasn't even close to being the same person I used to be. But with this war, no one was.

And if anyone thought otherwise, they'd be lying to themselves.

++LILY++

I stared at that elevator door, heartbroken at the idea of having running into James. Any other time on any other day and I could have handled that encounter. But not that day.

"Lily?"

I jumped, turning around to the sound of Shane's voice.

"Was that…" he trailed off, pointing towards the elevator.

"Yep," I snarled cynically, slipping past Shane towards my office.

"Er…you okay?"

I shot him a look. "Oh, I'm in the best mood ever," I spoke sarcastically.

"Okay, so it was a dumb question," he murmured, hovering awkwardly in my doorway.

"Ya think?"

He frowned. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. This has nothing to do with you," I muttered agonizingly.

He sighed. "I hate seeing you like this, Lily."

"What do you expect, Shane?" I croaked out, slumping down in my chair. "Everything that I had ever known, everything that I had ever become, everything that my life depended on has changed. The past four years of my life are…they're nothing now."

"You are not defined by him, Lily," Shane snapped, shooting me a look. "You are your own person and a pretty amazing one at that. Just because James was a big part of your life doesn't mean he was your life."

I shook my head. "He made my life have meaning," I croaked out, knowing I sounded somewhat pathetic.

"If that's really true, you didn't have much of a life to begin with," he sighed.

I stared up at him, knowing the words weren't meant to be harsh. But I suddenly realized that there was so much about me that he didn't know. James showed me what it meant to live my life to the fullest when for so many years I hid who I really was and the life I had. "I didn't," I said softly, shrugging.

Shane pursed his lips. I knew he wanted me to elaborate but I didn't. "He was just a boyfriend, Lily," he said. "That was it. Your first love. But you will be able to move on. You will be able to let go. And you will be able to realize that you can live your life without him."

I frowned. "But what if…what if I'm not sure how to live my life without him?" I said softly.

"You'll figure it out," Shane spoke evenly. "One day, you will wake up and he won't be the first thing on your mind. One day, you'll find yourself not thinking about the past and looking towards the future. One day, you'll realize that you aren't defined by James Potter. This is your chance to figure out who you are without him."

The problem was I didn't want to figure out who I was without him. I just wanted him. I had been a nobody before James and I was afraid I'd find out I'd be another nobody after him. He was my entire world. And now that world has been shattered into a million pieces. And Shane just didn't understand. "And what would you know about any of this?" I muttered irritably, shrugging curtly. "When was the last time you had a girlfriend that lasted longer than a few weeks? Hell, when was the last time you were even in love? Never?"

Shock stared back at me. "I'm just trying to help, Lily."

"Well, don't. You don't understand the concept of love at all," I mumbled, shaking my head. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't pretend that you do."

He looked disappointed and irritated. He blinked before saying, "I liked the non-cynical, positive, good-tempered you who didn't snap at me trying to help a hell of a lot better than this version of you."

And before I could respond, he was gone.

Damnit. Just because I was mad at myself didn't mean I got to take that anger out on Shane. I should have gone after him. I should have apologized.

But I didn't.

++DEZZY++

"Word around the wizarding world is that my brother is an idiot."

James peeked his head out from underneath his comforter. "You better be talking about Grant."

"What the hell is the matter with you!?" I snapped at my brother.

He glared at me. "Did Sirius put some sort of ad in the newspaper about my love life?"

"He might as well considering it's breaking news," I drawled.

He merely rolled his eyes and threw the comforter back over his head.

I strolled over to his bed and thrust the comforter off the bed and to the floor. "Are you having some sort of quarter-life crisis, Potter?" I growled. "Because that's about the only reason I could come up with for you breaking the heart of the girl you have been in love with since you were a naïve, innocent eleven year old boy!"

He frowned. "I was never innocent."

"That's what you're commenting on?"

"I am certainly not going to discuss my love life with my baby sister, that's for-"

"I'm not your baby sister anymore, James!" I barked, glaring at him. "I'm your grown-up sister who knows a lot more about love and relationships than you give me credit for!"

"Yes, I get it, Dez," he muttered. "You're married. Congratulations. But that doesn't mean you know anything about my relationships. So please, stay out of-"

"I will not," I interrupted once again. "Because you've got to be going through something extremely difficult and painful if you are so willing to cast aside the only constant in your life in the past four years."

He actively avoided eye contact with me, his eyes filling with serene regret. "Hold on to Drew as long as you can, Dez," he whispered, blinking furiously as if he was trying to stop the tears from forming. "And don't take him for granted."

I had no clue what he possibly could have meant by that. "Considering I'm the only one here married and pregnant, I clearly know how not to take love for granted."

I froze as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

James' eyes grew wide as he sat upright on his bed. "Pregnant? As in…pregnant?"

I blinked. "On a scale of one to ten, how deliriously drunk are you right now? Any chance you're not going to remember this in the morning?"

"You're going to have a baby, Dez?"

I guess the answer to my question was going to be yes. "It's still in the early stages so anything could happen," I said softly. "But yes. Drew and I are going to have a baby. Which means you're going to be an uncle."

I expected James to be happy. To be overjoyed. To rush out of his bed and embrace me, congratulating me over and over. Instead, he just sat there looking defeated and horrified. "And you really think the world that we are living in right now is the best time to raise a child?"

Those words stung. They felt calculated and cold. They were words I would have expected from Grant. Not from James. He was supposed to be excited, just like I was. And instead he was like trying to actively act like he wasn't. "I know we are at war, James Potter," I snapped at my older brother. "But I'm not going to put off my life and my happiness based on the actions of one villain. I deserve more. My husband deserves more. My life deserves more. So am I scared out of my damned mind at the prospect of bringing a child into this cold-blooded, dangerous world? Absolutely. But I'm not going to put my life on hold. Not for Voldemort. He doesn't get to control me. No. I make my own decisions."

James frowned and I could tell he was still conflicted by numerous emotions.

"Apparently, you don't do the same," I sneered, realizing that whatever hesitance or fear was running his mind had run it straight over the edge. An edge that had dangled Lily in front of James and instead of leaping out to save her, he let her fall. And what was so ironic about that was that it was clear he had fallen right behind her but not to save her or himself. Instead, he merely drowned.

I whirled around to storm out but James called out to me. For some reason, I turned around. "What?" I scoffed.

"I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. I'm just…I just wish this war was over. It's taking a toll on me, Dez. On all of us. Our children deserve a far better life than the one we are living right now."

I couldn't help but nod. "You don't think I sit up at night praying that between now and the day this child is born that this war will be over? It keeps me up at night, bro."

"Me, too, Dez," he whispered, slowly crawling out of bed long enough to embrace me tightly. "I'm sorry that my reaction was less than enthusiastic. I am happy for you. I-I can't believe that you're going to have a baby."

I nodded timidly. "I know. I'm just as surprised as you, Uncle James."

A slow smile spread across his face. "Hm, I kinda like the sound of that."

It was the first smile I had seen on James in weeks and I was grateful for it. "You better start getting used to it," I said with my own smile.

He tightened his grip around me. "Congratulations, Dez," he whispered. "You are going to be a great mother."

++JAMES++

And I meant it. Dezzy was one of the kindest, unselfish people I knew. She had a heart of gold and any child would be lucky to have her as a mother. She deserved to have a family and live happily ever after. But I was far too worried that that would never get to happen for her. As I held tightly on to my sister, I prayed that Voldemort never found out about Dezzy's pregnancy.

Because if he did, Dezzy would be next.

++SIRIUS++

I was leaving my apartment for a Quidditch match the following night when I literally ran right into Lily.

Her eyes widened slightly as she stumbled slightly. "Er…Sirius. Hi."

I didn't know what to say so I went with the unoriginal, "Hi."

She blinked. "Bye."

I nodded. "Bye."

She quickly traipsed into Keegan's apartment, shutting the door behind her.

That's how I found out that she had moved back in with Keegan.

++REMUS++

I was busy trying to convince James that drinking himself into a stupor and then falling asleep at eight o'clock on a Wednesday night was not a productive use of his time when the doorbell rang through the mansion.

"Tell whoever it is to just go away," James muttered, tossing his empty beer bottle into his trash can beside his desk. "Believe me, it's better for them to stay away from me. I swear I'm cursed."

I rolled my eyes at his flair for the dramatics and rushed downstairs to answer the door. I was curious as to who would even be using the doorbell. Most people I know just come barging in and screaming our names at the top of their lungs.

When I opened the door, I understood why. "Grant," I greeted in surprised. "Hi."

"James home?"

I gazed at him skeptically and nodded, gesturing him into the foyer. "Is something wrong?"

Grant shook his head. "No, not at all. I just…" he trailed off, shrugging. "I-I need to talk to James."

I frowned. "That's a little random, don't you think?" I couldn't help but say.

"Well, yeah, but…" he dithered, choking on his words. "I don't know. I-I have to stop holding this ridiculous grudge from our childhood. When Dezzy told me that she was pregnant, it just made me realize-"

"She told you what now?"

Grant blinked. "Er…James didn't tell you?"

I was going to kill James Potter. "Dezzy's really pregnant?" I said in a hushed tone, wondering what to make of that. I could only guess that James' reaction was less than welcoming considering his need to overprotect everyone in his life.

He nodded. "Yeah," he said with a furtive smile. "She is."

"Wow," I whispered.

"Look, I-I just…there's a war going on out there," Grant continued, shifting his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "It's bigger than any of us. I shouldn't be trying to cause a war in my own family. And with Dezzy having a baby, I don't want him or her to grow up in any sort of strained family. With all that's going on out there, we need to stick together and be the family we should have been from the start. So I'm here to try and make amends."

That was a phrase I wasn't sure would ever come out of Grant's mouth. "Well, good luck. He's…he's not exactly in a making-amends type of mood."

"What?"

I sighed. "He and Lily broke up."

Grant's eyes bulged out in shock. "I thought those two were seconds away from tattooing their names on each other's arses."

"So did I."

"What happened?"

I hesitated, not even sure where to start. "That's a damned good question," I muttered, shrugging. "He's upstairs in his room. Feel free to persuade him out of bed."

"Hah, like I'm the right person for that," he muttered, but he strolled towards the stairwell and made his way to James' bedroom.

I knew that I shouldn't have eavesdropped, but I was a little apprehensive about Grant showing up out of nowhere to 'make amends' with James. So I stood outside James' doorway and listened on.

"Remus, go away," James muttered when he had heard the door creak open.

"It's not Remus."

A rustle of the bedspread told me that James sat up immediately. "What the hell are you doing here?"

There was a long silence. "I-I'm not sure."

"Well, when you figure it out feel free to return, but for now, if you don't mind, I'm-"

"James, I'm sorry."

Another long pause. "What?"

"You heard me."

"For what?"

"Everything."

"How specific."

"James, we…" he trailed off and I heard a deep sigh emit from his mouth. "We've lost so much. Including time. I-I don't want to go another eighteen years harboring biased resentments. I don't want to go through another New Year's Eve like the one we just had. You're my brother. And considering you're my only brother left, I feel like-"

"So this is really about Brite, Wyatt, and JT, hm? Not me?" James responded, anger residing in his voice.

"No, it's about us."

"You wouldn't be here if they were here."

Silence. I had a feeling Grant knew he was right. "But they're not," he said in a small voice. "And we are."

"I think this is a conversation you should be having with Dezzy, not me," James muttered. "She's your twin sister."

"I already had the conversation with her. And with Drew."

"Glad to know I'm third in line."

"I knew you'd be the most difficult."

"Oh, is that what I am?" James snorted. "Grant, I tried reaching out to you after JT's death and you wanted nothing to do with me. You slammed a door in my face and then a week later you took off to the United States because you running away is apparently what you do best. I even tried writing you and you chose to ignore me. So sorry if you think I'm being difficult, but maybe it's too late for us."

Before I knew what was happening, I heard loud footsteps coming closer to me. I winced and stepped back before James come barreling out of the room. He met my gaze and scowled, probably knowing I had been eavesdropping, before rushing downstairs. I would put my entire life savings (which sadly wasn't much) on the fact that he was probably going for a beer.

Grant, too, met my gaze. "Who was that guy?" he muttered.

I didn't have to ask what he meant. James really was a mess. He hadn't bothered shaving in days, he was wearing an old wife beater that had numerous stains on it, and his eyes were pretty much void of any feeling. "A guy that told his girlfriend he didn't love her anymore," I sighed.

Grant's mouth instinctively fell open. "He did not."

I nodded glumly. "He did."

"What a prat."

"You're telling me."

"I can hear you two talking about me!" James' voice boomed from the bottom of the stairwell.

"Who cares!? You are a prat!" I snapped back.

"For what? For trying to protect the girl I love? For not forgiving my ass of a brother? For trying to ignore the fact that everything is falling apart? For being the reason so many people have died around me?"

"For being overdramatic for one," I snorted, rolling my eyes. "You don't want to talk to Lily, fine. You don't want to talk to me or Grant, whatever. You want to keep everything bottled in, go for it. But seriously, stop pretending as if you're some sort of martyr. You're doing this to yourself. Not for them. Not for your brother or for Lily. You are doing this, James."

"You don't know any-"

"I know more than you're willing to give me credit for," I snapped.

"Dare I ask what's going on?" Grant interrupted.

"Oh, go home, Grant," James muttered irritably, whirling around to head back towards the game room.

"You'll have to forgive me one day," he spoke evenly.

James hesitated, slowly glancing back towards his brother. He didn't say anything immediately but I saw a flash of emotions flicker through his expression before resting on guilt. "You're better off without my forgiveness," he eventually said, sincerity dripping from his every word before walking out.

Grant frowned, glancing towards me. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I, too, frowned. "It's supposed to mean Voldemort has it in for James. And that means he's going after every single person James cares about."

Grant slowly grew a very light shade of pale. "Is that why…" he trailed off, but he didn't have to finish that sentence.

"Yeah," I muttered. "It's why your family seems to be being picked off one by one."

"And James blames himself?"

"Yeah. You heard him, didn't you?"

"Damn."

I sighed. "You got that right."

He frowned, his gaze turning back to where James was previously standing. "When…when Sirius had told everyone that James had rushed headfirst into battle on New Year's Eve without so much as any sort of backup, it was the first time in…Merlin, I don't know, forever? That I honestly felt scared."

I didn't know what to say so I remained silent.

He shrugged awkwardly, turning to meet my gaze. "He's…he's my only brother left," he spoke softly. Cautiously. Fear was definitely evident in his tone. "And I've lost a lot of time with him because honestly, I've been-"

He stopped short and I arched my eyebrow curiously. "You've been…?" I urged.

Grant sighed. "I've always been kinda jealous of the guy," he muttered.

Well, that threw me for a loop.

"Everything has always come so easy to him. School, girls, friends, Quidditch. And on top of that, everyone in our damned family has fallen at his feet. Even everyone in the Gilmore family has fallen at his feet. Including that grandmother of theirs who is quite difficult to please. I felt…I don't know, I felt like I was constantly just living in his shadow."

"Yeah," I murmured with a sigh, knowing that jealousy was something people probably often had felt around James Potter. Except recently, it was hard to be jealous of a guy who was losing so much. "He has that effect on a lot of people."

Grant shrugged, running his fingers through his hair nervously. I couldn't help but smile. He looked so much like James in that moment. "Grant, right now there's not much a shadow to be living in. He's…he's falling apart. And he may not show it because he's too wrapped up in his own head, but he's grateful that you came by today."

Grant didn't look convinced but didn't argue. Neither of us said anything else but there wasn't much else to say. It didn't appear James was going to come around anytime soon and I so desperately wanted him to. I hated the guy that drank all night and slept all day. He wasn't the guy I had become best friends with. One of the things I had always admired about James was his ability to turn any awkward situation into a humorous one. It was so rare for me to not see him smile. Not see him laugh. It was torture watching him deteriorate in front of my very eyes.

It reminded me of the way Sirius had fallen apart after Riley had left. And to this day, he still hadn't fully recovered.

I didn't want that to happen to James.

As I traipsed into the game room, I noticed that James was sitting idly on one of the lounge chairs staring up at the television. A television that hadn't been turned on.

I sighed and took the chair next to him. "James-"

"I don't want to talk about Grant."

I shrugged. "How about Lily?"

He shot me a glare. "Don't go there, Lupin," he growled, his voice low and gruff.

"Alright then, why don't we talk about Dezzy's pregnancy?"

James frowned. "How the hell did you hear about that?"

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

He didn't respond immediately but when he did, the words sounded so cold and regretful. "The less people know, the better," he whispered.

I hadn't a clue what he meant by that but I wasn't about to ask him. He wasn't going to tell me anyway. I stood up quickly and headed towards the door. Before I could leave him sulking alone, I turned back around and said one last thing. "You've already lost so much, James, but Grant is still alive. He's your only brother remaining and… and you don't know how much time you have left with him. Don't cast him aside because you're afraid of what the future may hold."

"Remus, I-"

"Stop being a jackass. None of us deserve that, including Grant."

And then I walked out.

++LANCE++

Friday Night Dinner. A day I'm pretty sure we were all oddly dreading and yet anticipating if that was even possible. Mostly because none of us even knew who to expect to show up. Would James? Would Lily? From what Kay has told me, Remus and Sirius were fighting about something yet no one seemed to know about what so who knows who would show up out of that duo.

It was going to be the first time we would all get together after the infamous James and Lily break up and I think we all needed it for some sort of closure.

It wasn't a full house but it was close. When I walked into Jimeno's with my arm around Kay, we spotted our group almost immediately. Peter waved us over and I was struck by how many of us showed up. Alice and Frank were there, frowns resting on their faces. Dezzy and Drew sat to their right, whispering curiously amongst themselves. I was glad to see a very pregnant Shannon there and was actually shocked and yet pleased to see Rafe there talking to Shannon. Beside them were Peter and Remus. Followed by Keegan and Fabian who were having as polite a conversation as they possibly could as exes. Sirius sat across from them stoically, looking miserable and irritable which was quite uncharacteristic of him, and then the biggest surprise of all. Grant. I would definitely need to hear details on his presence by someone later.

No sign of James or Lily.

Kay and I slipped into the seats on the end of the table. "Happy Friday everyone," Kay greeted, ever the cheerful one.

Eleven identical skeptical expressions stared back at her.

"Er…or not," she muttered.

"Now that we're all here, who wants to tell me what the hell is going on with James and Lily?" Dezzy's angry voice rang out.

Silence followed.

"Glad to see we're all on the same page," she muttered, turning towards Keegan. "Did I hear correctly that she moved back in with you?"

She merely nodded.

Dezzy then turned to face Remus. "And you moved back in with James?"

He nodded.

"So you two must have some insight?" she pleaded.

"That would actually imply that she's talking to me," Keegan sighed, shrugging. "Which she isn't. Unless you count conversations based on the weather or international trade. Which I don't. She's pretty much keeping to herself."

"Same with James," Remus sighed. "If he's not at work, he's sleeping. He's avoiding the subject altogether."

"This has got to be some sick joke," Shannon spoke up, her voice hoarse. "Those two…they were so much in love. I don't understand what happened."

"None of us do," Peter muttered.

"Speculation isn't going to change anything," Sirius spoke up, shrugging.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Pretty sure speculation is why we all showed up here tonight."

"Then I guess we didn't need to come at all," he snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Well then, feel free to leave, Sirius," Remus snapped.

"Or you could considering you're so good at it. And apparently you're good at suggesting it, too."

Remus' face turned about fifty shades of purple. Anger didn't even begin to describe what was there. "Really? You want to get into that again right now?" he snapped, his voice full of contempt.

"How about we put the James and Lily conversation on hold to figure out what the hell is going on with you two?" Keegan snorted, her eyes darting between Sirius and Remus.

"Nothing," they responded hastily in unison.

"Nothing my ass," she muttered.

I noticed the glare Remus sent her way but was surprised to see a guilty look flash across Sirius' face as he avoided eye contact with the girl directly across from him.

"So does anyone know how James and Lily could have possibly gotten to this point?" Shannon spoke up, clearly trying to diffuse the tension between both Sirius and Remus and with Sirius and Keegan.

Silence filled the table.

I could feel Kay's eyes peeking surreptitiously at me. I glanced to my right and felt her place her hand in mine. I squeezed it tightly, offering her a crooked smile. I had a feeling that the news about James and Lily shook her up. Hell, it shook me up, too. If something so perfect could fall apart in just a mere few seconds, I couldn't help but wonder if all relationships were easily destroyable. I didn't want to imagine that something like that could possibly happen to myself and Kay. I loved her undeniably and I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. I guess I had always been under the impression that Lily and James felt the same way about each other.

I apparently guessed wrong.

"Well, alright then," Shannon muttered with a sigh.

"How about we just order drinks?" Drew spoke up, always the one to jump at being a peacekeeper.

"And lots of them," Sirius mumbled.

"Er…none for me," Dezzy spoke up, glancing curiously at her husband by her side.

Drew smiled, reaching out for her hand. "I guess we have news," he spoke, his eyes never straying from Dezzy's.

The joy in Dezzy's eyes was unmistakable and before any of us could even ask what was going on, Dezzy blurted out, "I'm pregnant."

Girly squeals filled the table as the men all had to bring their hands up to their ears with groans. I would never get used to those excited squeals. The girls all jumped up from the table, flocking over to Dezzy and Drew to offer their congratulations. Even I leaned over and gave Dezzy a kiss on the check and clapped my younger brother on the back. But it wasn't them I was thinking about. It was Shannon. When I glanced over at her, I noted that the forced smile on her face wasn't even close to reaching her eyes. But I wasn't surprised. I knew she was genuinely happy for Dezzy and Drew but there was no doubt in my mind that watching them celebrate together was a reminder that in just a few short months, she would be giving birth to a child who would grow up without a father. That was never going to go away.

And in that moment – a moment that was filled with shock over James and Lily's break up and confusion over the tension between Remus and Sirius and excitement for Dezzy and Drew's baby – I thought of Caleb and how his death was a reminder that we had to live our lives to the fullest and more importantly, we absolutely had to live every day, whether that day was a shocking one or a confusing one or an exciting one, we had to ensure we lived every day as if it was our last.

Because it very well might be.

++KAY++

We barely took a step into our apartment when Lance's lips were crashing hungrily against mine. He practically slammed the door behind us as he pushed me up against the wall, his tongue exploring the inside of my mouth.

"Not that I mind the sudden seduction," I whispered as his lips trailed down my jaw. "But what's going on?"

He hesitated, taking a step back with a sigh as he ran a finger along my hairline softly. "I just love you so much," he whispered, pressing his forehead to mine.

I usually could sense what Lance was thinking or feeling, but in that moment I was at a slight loss. I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around his waist and lightly pressing my lips to his. "I love you, too," I whispered, taking a step back from him with a concerned gaze. "Now tell me what's going on."

The smile on his face wavered as he slowly wrapped his arms around my shoulders and drew me close to him, kissing the side of my forehead. He didn't respond immediately but I knew he would so I remained silent. Eventually he did speak, his words barely above a whisper. "I really miss my brother."

I could feel his grip tighten around me as he spoke and my heart ached terribly for the pained man standing feebly in my arms. I wish there was something I could do or say to make everything better but there was nothing. Nothing I said could bring back Caleb. So I said nothing. I simply held him and waited for him to say more.

"It wasn't supposed to happen like this," he said, stroking my hair. "Caleb was supposed to see his son grow up. He was supposed to spoil Drew and Dezzy's child. He was supposed to be the one our eventual child ran to for advice. He was supposed to be the best damned Dad and Uncle out of any of us. All of our kids were supposed to be best friends. They were supposed to go to Hogwarts and Caleb's son was going to watch over all of them. Just like his father did. He was supposed to be around to teach his son how to look after his cousins. We were all supposed to be one big happy family. That had always been the plan. And now he's gone and so is that big happy family."

I wrapped my arms tighter around him as the tears began to slip down my cheeks. I knew this outburst came about from Dezzy and Drew's announcement and I wasn't surprised. When a new addition was being added to the family, it was hard not to think of those we lost. "It'll never be gone if you don't let it," I whispered, resting my cheek gently against his chest.

He didn't respond but I hadn't expected him to. Because in all honesty, they were just words. Lance might one day be part of a big, happy family but right now it was shattered.

"I'm so proud to know I'll be part of this family, Lance," I whispered hesitantly, staring up at my broken fiancé. "But, and don't take this the wrong way, I wouldn't marry you if it could somehow bring your brother back." And I actually meant it. No one should feel the pain of losing a loved one. No one. And I'd do anything to take that feeling away from Lance.

He took a step back, glancing down at me with a strained expression. "Don't say that," he urged, shaking his head. "My brother never would have wanted to replace you in my life so you shouldn't want to do the same."

I could only nod, not entirely convinced.

He pressed his lips to mine softly at first. And then with unbridled passion as he framed my face with his hands. The kiss deepened with intensity as our tongues met in desperation, as if the only way we knew to savor the moment was with that one kiss. "I love you, Kay. Please don't ever question that."

"I'm not," I urged, entwining my fingers with his. "I just wish there was something I could do or say to change what had happened."

"You can't," he responded softly, squeezing my hand and bringing it up to his lips to kiss lightly. "And I don't expect you to."

"You deserve the best, y'know that? And I just hate knowing you're not getting that-"

"I am getting that," he argued quickly, kissing my forehead. "Because I'm with you."

Damnit, why was he always the one inevitably consoling me even when he started out as the vulnerable one? Lance had this way of making me forget the world around me. One minute I could be distraught over the war and the next, all that mattered was me and him. He made life worth living and it was moments like these when I wondered what I would have done if it was Lance who had died instead of Caleb.

I quickly shook the thoughts from my head as I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom.

There wasn't anything left to say so we let our bodies do the talking that night instead.

A/N: Another long chapter done! A lot going on...a lot! You've got more insight into Keegan and Sirius, you've got an awkward encounter between James and Lily, you've got a bitter and resentful Lily, you've got the hateful thoughts running inside Lily and Sirius' mind, you've got Dezzy pregnant (yay!), you've got James' unfortunate reaction to said pregnancy, you've got Grant coming to his senses, and you have a sad Lance and a comforting Kay. Man, that really was a lot! Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And if you did, it is time for you to review. Thank you in advance!