"Well, I uh," I faltered, not entirely sure how to explain it. It was difficult to understand. How could I explain the grief I felt? If I said I feel sorry for the Strigoi I killed, they'd tell me I was mad. I had been, there was no other way to explain it, turmoil. Confused at how I'd gotten into this mess. Pleased at my triumph. Scared just in case other Strigoi came. Anxious because I'd lost Adrian. Exhausted after my fighting. Depressed because I was a murderer. Anticipating praise. I didn't know. I couldn't explain that to them, but I'm sure that my expression was enough. Rose caught me off guard by putting her arm around me.
"I know," she murmured. "I understand." And I remembered that she killed her first two Strigoi when she was seventeen, and they'd killed one of her friends just minutes before. So I buried y face in her shoulder and wept. I don't know how long we sat like that, but neither of us seemed uncomfortable with the contact, which was odd considering who we were. Dimitri seemed at loss, but I couldn't bring myself to move away, out of the safety and security that was Rose's embrace. Because, right now, although it sounded really sad, I really wanted my mother. The adoptive one that I knew. Eventually, Rose's shirt was completely saturated with salt water. I felt embarrassed at crying in front of people, so I wiped my eyes fiercely and tried to put on a brave face. It felt fake. My molnija ceremony was tomorrow, and I'd have to prepare myself for that. I would also be excused from classes for a few days, and then it would be Lewis' party. I didn't know whether I could be bothered to go. I trudged away and sat in my room, listening to music. I didn't have dinner. I didn't want any. It seemed stupid to waste my time on it when I should be training so that I wouldn't get in a situation like that again.
In the morning, there was a brief knock at my door. I yanked a brush through my hair and pulled it open to reveal somebody presenting me with clothes.
"Erm, thanks?" I muttered and she stalked off down the hall. I opened out the clothes on my bed. There was a long sleeved white blouse with black slacks and one of those jackets things without the arms. It was also jet black. I recognised it as a slightly younger, modern and fashionable version of the formal guardian attire. Inside the trouser leg, there was a small note. On it, Rose had written: wear these. They should fit you well. Put your hair up and be in the main hall by 9pm. I quickly checked the clock. 8pm. I showered and slipped on the clothes. She was right; they were perfect. I considered tying my hair up in a normal ponytail, but then wound it round into a bun. I didn't want it getting in the way for the tattooist. The small wisps of hair I could do nothing about. I slipped on Lewis' bracelet and headed towards the main hall. Lots of people were already gathered there: the few guardians that had been invited, my mum and dad, Lissa, Rose, Dimitri, the tattooist and Jill. She smiled encouragingly and waved. I was just heading up when I saw Adrian slip in through the door. The molnija was tattooed on the nape of my neck but he left space for my promise mark next year. I bit my lip against the pain and then he put a bandage over it. It was really itchy. Afterwards, I mingled with the others like a good host. I received several "Welcome to the ranks" and stuff, but no congratulations. I understood. It wasn't really a thing to say congratulations to. It was a burden. Jill gave me a fierce hug and Adrian thanked me for saving his life. I'd never seen him look so respectful of someone, and I had to resist the urge to laugh. When I caught eyes with Rose, she had a similar look on her face. There was a tap on my shoulder and I whirled around to see Abe standing there.
"Wow," he exclaimed. "Both my daughters are immensely brilliant Strigoi killers and extremely famous." Rose glared at him.
"Famous?" I asked.
"Of course," Janine chimed in. "Rose for the most molnija marks before graduation and the best graduation trials ever seen. Her story is in all the books." Rose looked on the verge of staking her. "And you will be too, you know. For the youngest every Strigoi kill."
"Seriously?"
"You're only fifteen. How many people that are fifteen do you know that have killed Strigoi."
"None."
"There you go then." She and Abe wandered off and Rose shot evils at their backs.
"Mothers. Who wants them?" she grumbled.
"I like my mother," Dimitri offered.
"Your Mum's nice."
"So is yours." She rolled her eyes and I smiled.
I rang my adoptive mother later that night, to tell her the news. I think I was growing out of my mother, although there were still times when I needed her. One of them being now. She was full of praised and full of anxiety. I was chastised a lot. "Why did you go off with a stranger?" "Look what you've gotten yourself into." And then, "Please come home."
I hated to tell that pleading voice, "No."