I own nothing from NCIS and make no money from this story! If I did own them there would be some wicked story lines! LOL! But for now I shall merely play with them and return them very sated!
A huge thanks goes to my most excellent Beta-Amy- without whom this would not be as polished! Kudos to her for her great work and wanting to work with a nut like me! Trust me! And I lover her all the more for it!
Come by my facebook page- always a riot! Sometimes great eye candy as well! Facebook./gibbsandtonysbabe Always happy to have you drop by!
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I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's response! It means the world to me! All you guest reviewers I send love to since I can't respond! I love you all! This story has grown from where my muse had originally led me- there is a great deal more to this story. I hope that you all continue to enjoy the journey!
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Tony startled awake and frantically looked around. He was relieved when he saw Jethro asleep in the chair beside him reaffirming that he was all right and safe. The nightmares were coming with far less intensity since he had begun to open up and talk to Ducky and Jethro.
It sure as hell wasn't easy bringing everything up and talking about it. More than once, he had yelled at the both of them to leave him the fuck alone. All he had wanted was quiet away from the memories, silence from the words that had been spoken to him over the years and freedom from the pain they inflicted.
Trying to hide from the two of them proved futile and the only reprieve he received was when they were sleeping or out picking up food. And as much as he was thankful for that peace, he dreaded it as well. Silence gave free reign for his mind to think over everything that had poured out of him. Looking at it after the fact did not make it less hurtful.
Tony fell back against his pillow exhausted. A morning of PT, breathing exercises and endless talking was far more exhausting than he could have imagined. But for the first time in a very long time, he started to feel the weight being lifted off his back. It wasn't gone but it was being chipped away and maybe, just maybe he could finally be free of it.
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Ducky stood by Tony smiling and watching as he cracked his eyes open.
"Good morning Anthony. How are you feeling?"
"Not sure yet Ducky. Might take a few minutes for my brain to come on line." As he slowly raised his bed to an upright position, Jethro walked back in the room smiling with a carrier tray of drinks.
"Told ya Duck. Knew he was gonna wait for the coffee before he opened his eyes." He handed Tony a cup. "No coffee yet for you, but thought you might like some hot chocolate."
Tony's eyes lit up. "Thank you." He greedily took a sip before relaxing back in bed. He looked between Ducky and Jethro and got a feeling that there was something going on. "OK…spill. What is it?"
Ducky hastened to reassure Tony. "Nothing bad dear boy. Just have some news about your release and a few ideas I want to run by you." Seeing the younger man relax he continued. "Bradley has decided that with strict guidelines that you may be released tomorrow."
Tony looked a little apprehensive. He wanted to go home but wasn't sure he was ready to leave the protective bubble of his hospital room.
Jethro watched Tony carefully and had an idea of what was going through his mind. "You're coming to my house. You're still on PT and nowhere near one hundred percent yet. You won't be alone. Plus we still have things we need to work through."
Tony nodded feeling a bit off balance by the realization that he wasn't ready to be alone. A mixture of emotion coursed through him. "But I should want to be alone; I should be fighting you tooth and nail." Tony shook his head angrily. "But I feel relieved and that pisses me off more. Two steps forward three steps back. When the hell am I going to feel 'normal'? And what is normal for me now? Am I ever going to feel like I'm not standing on the precipice ready to jump off?"
His fists clenched and unclenched around the sheets as he lifted his head to look at both men. "I know we've talked about there not being a timetable or time limit but seriously I am tired of feeling so off balance and out of control." He reached for his water cup hoping to reign in the storm brewing inside.
"I HATE THIS." Tony growled as he hurled the cup against the wall, his breathing ragged.
"Anthony, this was never going to be easy and you know that. You've had years to perfect your method of pushing everything down, locking it away or burying it. This event became the catalyst for releasing years of buried pain and emotion. You feeling on edge is certainly normal considering everything that has been pulled out of you."
"You will regain your balance and control I assure you. In that regard, I have a few ideas to help you. I have found a place where you can safely relieve some of your anger and pent up frustration in your limited physical capacity. Abigail knows an artist that does glass mosaics, quite beautiful really. I went there to discuss the situation with him and saw several intricate pieces. He owns several studios-"
"Duck!"
"Sorry Jethro. As I was trying to say Anthony, he has a room where he throws all matters of glass against the wall to create the myriad of small glass pieces for his creations. It will be the perfect place for you to let out your rage and allow you more healing."
"Now for my next proposal and I dare say you won't be as on board with it, but you need to think about it Anthony and give it serious consideration. I believe it is imperative for your recovery. And it has a twofold bonus if you will." Ducky stopped and took a breath as he looked at the younger man.
"It is time Anthony for you to find your voice." Seeing the perplexed look on both of the other men's faces, he explained. "It is time that those who have inflicted pain upon you become aware of it. Don't look at me that way young man." Ducky narrowed his eyes at Tony.
"This is something that you have thought about; speaking to Ziva and Timothy. And I believe that in the future you should do that, but not for the reason that you think. You want to talk to them to find a reason, hear their side, and allow them to speak their piece."
Ducky moved to stand by Tony. "What I want is for you is a bit different. I want you to confront them with the facts and the knowledge that they are wrong. I want you to waltz in there and no matter what tripe they spew, it will have no effect. As Jethro has clearly stated and I have reiterated, they have no excuse for their actions; you did not deserve it. Do you believe that yet?"
Tony sighed, his eyes downcast, "Getting there…but don't feel it yet."
Jethro moved closer and grabbed his hand. "You will Tony."
Lifting his eyes to meet Jethro's that shone with nothing but love, pride, and honesty, he knew that they were right. "When?"
"When you're ready. When you've tossed out all the garbage that people have filled you with. When you no longer make excuses for others and take the blame. When you believe that you're worth it."
Tony chewed on his bottom lip. "I'd like that to be sooner rather than later."
"It will. You're working on it and doing a damn fine job just hang in there."
"Jethro is quite right dear boy. You've made great strides and have surpassed what I had hoped for regarding you opening up. This is why it is time for you to have words with a few choice people, me being one of them."
Tony turned his head in surprise at Ducky.
"Don't look surprised Anthony. Even those that love you can unintentionally inflict pain. And I want to hear you tell me. Jethro wants to hear you and Abby needs to hear you. Just because we're family and loved ones is not an excuse to let us get away with it."
Tony began to shake his head. "I can't do it Ducky. There isn't anything worth mentioning."
"I don't believe you Anthony." Ducky said in disbelief.
"Maybe some small things a long time ago, but it's all said and done."
"Tell me Anthony."
Tony felt very uncomfortable and kept his focus on the bedding not looking at Ducky. "When Jethro had his Mexican siesta I wanted to confide in you, I missed him and the team was treating me like shit. But you were so mad at him yourself you couldn't get past that." Taking a deep breath Tony hastened to assure the older man. "But it was ok, I got through it."
"Look at me Anthony." Ducky's tone brooked no refusal and Tony raised his eyes to look at the older man. "I was wrong. I was so busy being angry with Jethro I refused to see your need, believing my anger was greater. I did let you down Anthony and you have every right to be upset with me."
"No, Ducky, it's ok."
"No Anthony it's not." Ducky smiled sadly. "Keep going dear boy. Let us have it. We've earned it."
Jethro looked over and decided to up the ante. "What about my Mexican siesta? Or maybe when I came back and left again without saying anything – that make you feel good? And then I came back again and stayed and had your stuff tossed on your desk? Bet you liked that, didn't you?"
Tony snapped his head up his eyes blazing with anger. "No, it made me feel like shit. Just like when you left with a 'You'll do'- that inspired the team, that's for sure. And when you tossed my crap back on my desk like you never left, I felt like I never mattered."
"But hey, why not? Not like you didn't have your own rules. Broke rule one a lot Jethro. How many times am I supposed to get screwed over? Went off on your own too many times and I had to save your ass. Jumped in the water and saved you and Maddie. Did you say anything to me? So you won't apologize, but is a thank you too much?"
Tony took a breath and continued fueled by anger as it poured out. "Ducky, when we were on the Chimera you made me feel three inches tall because of my fears. I get they may not be rational but I did have the plague. I tend to get nervous around rats and when you mentioned the hemorrhagic fever I admit I got a bit paranoid."
"You weren't the only one. McGee kept rolling his eyes and Boss you made me touch the rat. It may not have seemed like a big deal to all of you but I was nervous. And what about the dinner with Ziva? Did you even wonder why I wasn't there? Did I matter? You sure decided that you needed to talk about it and made sure to point out I wasn't there."
"Well guess what…I wasn't even invited. That make you feel better now? Do you know what the team did while you were gone Jethro? They kept reminding me I wasn't you, that I was not worthy and they would rather I be gone." Tony was breathing ragged as he finished.
Jethro gently took Tony's face in his hands. "I'm sorry Tony. You really should have talked to me, never feel that you can't tell me anything even if you think I don't want to hear it. I need to know; I am not infallible, and you need to call me on it when I screw up."
The younger man looked at Jethro in shock. "You apologized. What about your rule?"
"I was wrong and this is important, you're important."
"But I really am ok Jethro, I don't need an apology."
"You may be ok Tony, but that does not make what I did right. The apology was deserved. I am sure I'll screw up again and guess what? I'll apologize again. Time for a rule modification."
"Anthony I never knew and I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I am so sorry dear boy for making you feel like that."
Tony shrugged. "You had a lot on your mind Ducky; you didn't do it on purpose."
"Perhaps not but I'm appalled none the less. You deserve better than how I've treated you."
"All water under the bridge Ducky."
"Your propensity for forgiveness is an admirable trait Anthony, but you underestimate your value in the equation. Don't just unequivocally grant it, make sure that it has been earned and that the apology is sincere."
Tony nodded.
"How did it feel to let that out?" Jethro ran his fingers over Tony's hand.
"Weird, awful, good and some relief mixed with guilt." Tony pursed his lips together. "Worried that you would be angry."
"Wouldn't matter if we were angry Tony, doesn't change the fact that we were wrong."