Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!
A/N: Thank you so much for the amazing reviews mikkir, Kirky123, GSRCSILVR25 and SJ-23!!! You have no idea how happy you all made me :) Mikkir, you're spoiling me, you are too kind :) I'm sorry this one was a little late, I may not be able to get one out tomorrow as well. I actually just finished this one five minutes ago. Life and work are killing me again....there just aren't enough hours in the day. Thank you all so much for sticking with me! I wish everyone good luck with your own work/life/school situations. Take care.
Yesterday was a bad day. I got up bright and early to go see Sara and was feeling great because she was extubated and seemingly doing well. When I got in, things were still looking good. She looked bright and alert, slightly propped up in bed with the oxygen mask in her hand and Elizabeth talking to her.
Except for the IV and the heart monitor, most of the tubes and wires were gone. I was so proud.
Then Elizabeth came to talk to me and was mentioning that Sara seemed to be having trouble speaking but seemed to understand what was being said. That sent a wave of fear through me, but it was reasonable. I know she still has quite a recovery ahead of her, and I know we will overcome it together; no matter what the result.
But then all hell broke loose.
As it turns out, in her blind panic, Sara managed to rip out the IV and tear several stitches in her chest.
They took her for several tests to see what damage had been done. I'm still waiting on the results of the head scans, but luckily the damage to her arm was minimal and they were able to repair the surgical wound without too much blood loss. They did have to put her under the knife again though. Her lungs still look good, minus the fact she's missing part of her right lower lobe, and the wound doesn't seem infected.
Sara on the other hand, I'm not so sure of. The best I can guess is she was beginning to remember everything; with Lindsay's shooting and her own.
They have her pretty sedated right now and have wrist restraints on both arms. She's awake, but not really responsive...she looks really doped up again. Even though her eyes are open, I'm not sure she even sees me. Whatever high they have her on, I wouldn't mind some right about now.
So I'm just going to sit here and help her fight her demons when they return. This is going to be hard I know. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss of my daughter myself...but I was so bad to her about this before...I'm not going to make that mistake again.
"Good afternoon. I'm one of Sara's neurologists, I was looking over the results from yesterday's scans." The middle-aged doctor says as he sweeps into the room.
"Hi, I'm Catherine Willows." I say politely shaking his hand as Sara remains lost in her own world.
"There is an area of concern on the scan of her brain in the area responsible for speech. I was told yesterday as well that Sara was understanding what was being said, but was having difficulty forming words. I'm going to ask the speech and language pathologist to come and see Sara for an assessment." He says in a calm voice.
"So in your opinion, do you think there has been permanent brain damage? I ask in a small voice.
"It's still far too early to tell, but given the result of the scan and that she was having difficulty yesterday, I do believe she has experienced some damage. She was without vital signs for a prolonged period of time and experienced great blood loss, so this is not unexpected. Also the seizures she was experiencing is a warning sign of damage. But remember she is a strong young woman, so she has great potential for recovery." He says as my hands begin to shake.
"What about what happened yesterday? Was that related at all?" I ask looking at her lost face.
" What happened yesterday sounds more anxiety related, but we will have to continue to monitor her closely. I don't think physically, what happened yesterday will be too much of a set back since it appears no permanent damage was done. However psychologically, this is a greater concern. Depression is not uncommon with these type of neurological events." He says looking down at his notes.
"Thank you very much." I say past my dry throat as I extend my shaking hand.
As he leaves I'm left in the awkward silence pondering what to do next.
I lean over and kiss the side of Sara's face as a slow tear makes its way down one side of her face.
"It's okay Sara, we will get through this. You and I together, as well as the rest of the team, we'll be okay." I say fighting back tears myself.
I wish to God I knew what's going through her head right now. She's obviously drugged up, but I know there's more going on.
I don't know what scares me more, the prospect of the damage done to her brain, or the uncertainty of what caused her outburst yesterday.
Does she remember what happened to her? Is she scared about Todd coming back to get her? Does she remember Lindsay's death? Does she hate me for the way I treated her?
God, I think I'm going to need a sedative soon!
Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted as Sara starts to shift against the restraints and blink her eyes rapidly.
"Hey Sara, your okay sweetheart. I'm here with you my love. It's the medication making you feel drowsy." I say as she struggles to overcome the effects of the drugs.
At least she doesn't appear to be in pain. Although, I'm going to hit the call bell for a nurse just in case. I don't really feel confident anymore that I can calm Sara down myself...given yesterdays reaction.
Sara shakes her head then jumps slightly and pulls against the restraint. She's definitely more alert now.
"It's okay Sara, please don't pull at that. Please don't fight or panic. I'm here with you. Everything is going to be okay." I say almost to calm myself down too. I think my heart is picking up pace just as much as Sara's.
"Lllll..." Sara utters then squints her eyes shut and shakes her head. She's defiantly panicking now.
"It's okay Sara..." I start to say as she cuts me off by snapping open her eyes and turning toward me.
Even without words I know what she's trying to say. I can read it all over her face. She remembers everything...she just wants confirmation the memories are real. This instant, she looks completely with it, and the horror and fear on her face breaks my heart and sends my stomach to my feet.
I'm afraid to speak so I just nod my head to complete our silent conversation.
As the nurse walks in Sara breaks into tears and turns her head away from me.
"Can we remove the restraints please? I need to hold her. She remembers what happened." I say to the nurse while moving closer to Sara. I'm hoping beyond hope she won't hurt herself again when they are undone. But I have to let her mourn, and we can't do that with hers hands strapped down by her waist.
As the nurse goes to the other side of the bed to undo her wrist, I gently put both of my hands on her head and turn her face toward me.
She's sobbing uncontrollably now and shaking with each staggered breath.
"Sara, look at me! This is not your fault! Lindsay's murder was not your fault! Look at me!" I say as my own voice begins to crack.
Even though I'm holding her face, she's not making eye contact with me. As the nurse finishes releasing her hands, Sara slowly brings them up and shakily covers her face.
Still holding Sara, I turn to the nurse. "If you think she is in danger at all medically, please do what you need to do. But as hard as this is, I need her to get this out."
The nurse simply nods and steps away in respect for our privacy, while still monitoring her vitals on the screen.
Seeing my love fall apart with grief, I gently sit on the side of the bed and guide her head on my shoulder. I'm terrified I'm going to hurt her ribs or surgical wound, but the way she's heaving and sobbing, she may do more damage herself if I do nothing.
So I nervously sit and hold Sara as she grieves. Even though she is having trouble forming words, her screams of sorrow are piercingly clear; and my heart breaks all over again.