SM OWNS ALL RIGHTS
I slept most of the ride home. With Carlisle driving we basically did the speed limit so it was a couple hour drive.
When I woke I didn't open my eyes. I simply laid in Edwards arms and thought about things between us. I kept my breathing slow and steady and hopefully seemed like I was still sleeping.
I didn't want to move just yet. I felt safe and content laying in his arms and I wanted it to last just a while longer.
Besides I knew that when we got home he was going to want to talk about today and I wasn't totally sure what to say yet.
Ok Swan it's time we figured out what we want… I said to myself. Yep I was losing my mind… Or maybe it was already long gone and this was all just a twisted drug induced dream. Well either way I needed to figure some things out.
I loved Edward, I always have and I always would. But I was having problems convincing my head that it was ok to love him again, that all the stuff that happened between us had been nothing more than lies and the only thing that wasn't lies were the feelings we had for each other. Him saying he didn't love me or he didn't want me… those were the lies.
I knew that, but when you have been hurt like that it is hard to forgive and forget. I tried to forgive but no matter how hard I tried… I couldn't forget. Maybe I never would. But could I forgive? This was the question that needed an answer.
If I made the decision to forgive I had to try to forget and move on. I had to rebuild the trust I had in him and that was easier said than done. If I wanted to be with him I had to be there with him 100%. It wasn't fair to him to keep him close but still at arms length. That really wasn't fair to either one of us.
So here I was feeling like I was balancing on a ledge again. I had two choices. I could jump off the ledge, into the unknown or I could crawl back into the window where things were safe. Which way was Edward? I honestly didn't know.
Edward was safe. He kept me safe, he claimed to love me but it was going to take a leap of faith to get to him. So maybe a better analogy would be that I was already at the bottom of a huge pit. I could either climb, scratch, and claw my way back out or just lay down and be buried alive.
I could climb. Cling to everything we had and pull myself out and trust that what we had would be enough. I would have to let go of the hurt we had caused each other and love him more than I ever had before.
Laying down would mean I had to walk away from Edward. If I didn't believe I could get past all the hurt…. I had to let go and not look back. It was only fair. I couldn't keep leading him on. That would only end up hurting us both more in the long run.
Good job Swan now you are more confused than you were before…. I said to myself. You are also talking to yourself again… way to go.
I wanted to scream in frustration. Why couldn't one fucking thing in my life be easy? Why couldn't one decision I made be cut and dry? Not life and death.
Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way….
I was and I knew it. I was long past the want part, not that I didn't want Edward, that wasn't the issue. If that was the decision I had to make, it was already made, because there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted Edward. God I wanted him….
No want is to weak a word… I NEEDED him. I needed him in my life, with out him I was broken. I had nothing with out him. If I laid down and let go of him… I would not only be leaving him, I would be leaving my family too. I would walk away from my family and my life. I wouldn't survive it, I didn't have it in me anymore.
But this wasn't just about me. We both had said things we didn't mean. We both did things we regretted. HE seemed sure of what he wanted and it was only right I decided once and for all what I wanted.
I wanted him. I needed him. I craved him. But I had to be fair to him. It wasn't fair to hold on to him…. To lead him on. If I was going to be with him I had to leave the past were it was. In the past. I would have to leave all the hurt and doubts behind and move on, if I couldn't do that.. I just had to let go of him and move on literally.
I was momentarily distracted when Alice spoke. "Carlisle could you step on it a little I am getting a headache." Alice complained.
"And if I hear one more verse of Barbie Girl… I am likely to throw her from the car! What are you hiding from me Alice?" I heard Edward say in a hushed voice.
"Just stay out of my head Edward and you would be fine." Alice snapped back.
"What is going on?" I asked forgetting my decision for a moment and opening my eyes.
"Good job Alice, you woke her up!" Edward snapped then looked down at me. "It's nothing love just go back to sleep."
"She has been awake for a while now, so kiss my ass Edward." Alice shot back at him.
What the hell did I miss? I slowly slid off Edwards lap and settled between Alice and Edward saying nothing more. Glancing slowly between the two of them wondering what the hell was going on.
Alice looked irritated and Edward just looked confused. Not another word was muttered. Until we pulled into the garage at home. Edward immediately flung the door open then climbed out. He bent back over and offered his hand to help me out of the car. I started to reach for him but Alice stopped me.
"Nope not so fast Swan.. We need to chat for a second. You," She said pointing to Edward, "Disappear for a little while. Go get Bella something for dinner. Yeah that works." She waved her hand dismissively.
Edward stood there and glared at her open mouthed and confused.
"Listen Edward I can sit here all night. If you had one once of brain matter in that thick skull of yours, you would give me a little while with Bella. If you leave now you can be back in less than twenty minutes."
"Fine. I will go. But when I get back I will be getting some answers from someone. That's not a threat, that's a promise." With that he shut the door and stalked off. Got into the Volvo and was gone. I immediately felt his absence.
"NOW for you Swan. In the house. MY room. NOW!" She flung her door open then reached back in the car practically pulling me out the door and dragging me up to her room.
"Sit." She said pointing to the bed then crossing her arms, facing me.
"What the hell is going on? What did I do? Why are you mad at me?" I asked, truly and utterly confused.
"First I am NOT mad… frustrated yes, mad no. The decision you are trying to make…" She paused and sat next to me on the bed taking my hands.
"How did you know that I was trying to make a decision?" I wasn't thinking clearly, she had caught me off guard.
"OH for the love of god! Bella I can see the future. Ever since lunch your mind has been flipping back and forth. One minute you are staying and everything is perfect. Then next you leave and EVERYTHING falls apart. I understand your reasoning. I do seriously. But it isn't fair that you are trying to make that big of a decision without at least talking to Edward first."
"You are the one who kept stopping me from talking to him today!" I snapped irritated and confused. She was right but I wasn't about to admit it.
"You want to know why I made you wait?" She asked smirking.
"Speak Alice I am tired of games."
"Well if it would have come out at the Zoo you would have flipped out. Panicked and tried to leave. It would have looked bad for all of us to have Edward grab you and carry you screaming out of the zoo slung over his shoulder like a god damn caveman. Then the police… ugh it would have been a mess." She made a sour face. Then looked at me for a minute. She appeared to be thinking.
"Bella I know it's hard….and I don't want to tell you what to do… SO instead I am going to attempt to give you some advice and hope and pray that you make the right decision." She paused again appearing to collect her thoughts.
"Sometimes you have to listen to your heart. You have to give him a chance to explain his side. If you don't you will regret it Bella. You keep pushing him away when things get to intimate or serious. You are scared of getting hurt again. I understand that. I really really do Bella… but you have to realize even as sick and twisted as it seems when he made those decisions about leaving you a few years back… he really was trying to put you first. He didn't realize how much he truly needed you until it was to late…. I won't let you make the same mistake." She got up and kneeled in front of me taking my hands in hers.
"You are like a sister to me Bella. I love you and I don't want you to hurt anymore. You love him. You CAN'T deny that, right?"
"Right." I said, wondering where this was going.
"And he loves you. There is no denying it. Trust me. You both made rash decisions that hurt both of you and those around both of you. Everything that happened sucks but you can't change the past…. You can change the future. I should know…. If you listen to your heart.. It will never lead you in the wrong direction. Follow your gut instinct… You are driving yourself crazy over this. You are over thinking it. Will you try something for me?"
"Um sure…" I replied I could feel the tears forming.
"Close your eyes." She commanded and I complied. "Just for a minute… forget everything else that is going on. Forget Victoria.. Forget your mom and forget your dad… shit forget me! Can you do that just for a minute?"
I nodded my head with my eyes still closed. I couldn't speak, no words would form in my head. I just listened to Alice's voice.
"Now ask yourself two simple questions…. ONE… Do you love him? TWO…. Can you imagine your life without him?" She released my hands and I sat there for a moment thinking about those two questions.
Tears began pouring down my cheeks as she wrapped her arms around me. I clung to her for a moment and I realized she was right.
I was trying to over think the whole complicated situation. I had already lost so much in my life and I wasn't willing to give up Edward. I love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore. He deserved the right to know about how I was feeling and he deserved the opportunity to explain his side of everything.
Essentially MY decision was made and there was nothing more to do than wait to hear his side of the story.
"NOW he will be home in less than ten minutes. Go take a shower and try to relax." I reached out and hugged her again.
"Thanks Alice…"
"Thank me later… Shower now. I will get you some clothes together. You just go take a shower."
I nodded then stood and walked out of the room. As soon as I walked into the hall I felt a sense of peace wash over me.
"Jasper! I will hurt you I promise!" I yelled when I realized he was influencing me.
"ALICE MADE ME!" I heard him yell from somewhere downstairs. "She made me do other things too!"
"SHUT UP JASPER!" I heard Alice shout from right behind me. I jumped because she was closer than I thought.
"What is he talking about Alice?" I asked turning towards her. She smiled innocently.
"I have no idea Bella."
"Liar." I mumbled then walked away from her heading for my bathroom.
I walked into my bathroom and shut the door behind me. I walked to the shower planning on turning on the water so it could heat up. Before I did though I noticed all of my stuff wasn't there. Shampoo, conditioner, soap… upon further inspection I found my toothbrush and all other toiletries were no longer there either.
"ALICE!" I yelled.
"Yes?" She said popping her head in the door.
"Where is my stuff?"
"In your bathroom." She replied like I was crazy.
"I am standing in the middle of MY bathroom…. My stuff isn't here. Where the hell is it?"
"Like I SAID its in your bathroom." Then she was gone. Damn smart ass vampires. I instantly knew where everything was.
"You better not have…." I said stomping out of the bathroom and heading up the stairs. When I reached Edward's room I flung the door open and stomped into the bathroom. Sure enough everything was in his bathroom.
"ALICE!"
"Yes?" She asked innocently, popping her head in the door.
"I can't stand you, you know that don't you?" I asked crossing my arms over my chest.
"You love me! Don't deny it. It is easier this way…. Seeing as your bedroom is packed full of your stuff from your mom's house. You will have to sleep in here anyway…"
"You little bitch!"
"Love you too!" She said smiling hugely, then she was gone and I was left standing in the middle of my 'new' bathroom.
Sighing, knowing there was no point in arguing anymore I stripped and got into the shower. I stood under the spray trying to relax. Failing miserably, I washed and scrubbed, then rinsed off and stepped out.
I screamed when I stepped out and Alice was standing there holding a towel for me smiling like the cat that just ate the canary.
"You are forcing me to make another decision Alice." I said smiling as I took the towel from her hands and wrapping it around me.
"What's that?" She asked with a smirk.
"Whether I like you or not. It's up in the air right now."
"Oh shut up you love me." She said sticking her tongue out at me.
"Does he know I have essentially moved in with him now?"
"Nope. It will be a surprise for him too."
"Great… and he won't be a little bit mad about it?"
"I can guarantee the exact opposite. He has considered this room his and yours for a long time now. He will be happy you finally moved up here where you belong." She explained as she set the clothes she had in her arms down on the counter. Sweatpants and panties.
"What am I supposed to walk around topless?" I joked.
"Now that would be interesting. But No.. There is so much crap I have to go through later I couldn't get to the closet. I was able to snag panties and sweatpants…. I figured you could just use another one of Edwards shirts."
"He is going to get sick of me taking his shirts." I said laughing.
"Doubt that too. Don't tell him I told you but it turns him on seeing you in his shirts. If you ever really want to get him going…. grab one of his button down shirts." She said wagging her eyebrows and laughing as she turned and left me to get dressed.
I pulled on the panties and sweatpants, then holding the towel around me I walked out of the bathroom in search of a shirt. I was standing in the closet when I heard a noise. Figuring it was Alice I continued looking for a shirt.
"What you come to pick out the shirt now Alice?" I said as I grabbed a white tee and walked out of the closet as I pulled it on. "Is this one ok little miss smart a….." I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Dinner." Edward said pointing to the bag in his had from McDonald's. "That one works just fine." He said pointing to the shirt I was wearing.
I suddenly felt very self conscious and nervous. "Um thanks I think.. I will just take this.." I said reaching for the bag in his hands. "And take it downstairs…." I took the bag and started walking towards the door.
I opened the door and shrieked when I found Alice standing there with arms crossed and glaring daggers at me.
"You are not even hungry." She said snatching the bag from me. "NOW you turn around and get back in there. I will be watching this door. If I even see you open it until you two have talked about things we will be leaving IMMEDIATELY to go to Minnesota." She said smirking.
"And just what the hell is in Minnesota?" I snapped back at her. I was getting tired of her bullying me.
"OH nothing much. Just my holy grail. The Mall of America. 4.2 Million total square feet, 2.5 million square feet of retail space. After they finish renovating there will be over 900 stores and I SWEAR I will drag you into EACH AND EVERY one." I could do nothing but glare at her. She smiled knowing she had won.
"Bitch." I mumbled as she shut the door in my face. Leaving me in the room alone with Edward.
"Do you think Rose would kick her ass for me?" I asked him turning around.
He laughed out loud. "You can ask her later. Right now I want to know what is going on." He held his hand out to me and when I hesitated for a moment he crossed the room and grabbed me by the waist then lifted my chin so I was forced to look at him.
The moment my eyes met his my worries, my fears, everything just went away and for a second I felt truly stupid for even thinking about walking away from him. I couldn't and I wouldn't. I knew at that moment that even if he said he didn't want me… I would probably end up like Jessica. Clinging to him and hoping he would eventually change his mind. He would always be the ONLY one for me. Just as he has been since the day I first laid eyes on him in the cafeteria of good old Forks High.
"I love you." I said slightly amazed by my revelation. I had always known I loved him, but in that second I finally realized just HOW MUCH I loved him.
He looked into my eyes smiling but looking slightly confused. "I love you too. Is everything ok?"
I took a deep breath and took a step back. Looking away trying to collect my thoughts.
"DAMN IT BELLA JUST SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT!" I heard Alice yell from downstairs.
"GOD DAMN IT ALICE IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS AND LET ME THINK I SWEAR I WILL BURN EVERYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET!" I yelled back.
"I WILL HELP HER TOO. YOU MADE ME GO AWAY FOR A WHILE. NOW YOU DO THE SAME!" Edward added as he walked to the bed and patted the spot besides him.
Alice must have took my threats to heart and listened to Edward because she didn't speak again.
I walked to the window and looked out. Trying to calm down from Alice pissing me off. I had to have this discussion whether I wanted to or not. He had the right to know what I was thinking.
Much to my amusement as I looked out the window, I saw Emmet and Rose dragging Alice from the house towards the woods. Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme followed moments later.
"They are helping ensure we aren't disturbed by her again for a while." Edward said, still seated on the bed. "Now can we talk?"
"I don't know where to start." I answered honestly. Still watching as the group disappeared into the darkness.
I turned looking at the ground. Trying to summon the courage to start.
"Bella please?" Edward asked pleading.
I took a huge breath then told him everything. I didn't raise my head. I didn't look at him. I couldn't. I felt guilty and stupid.
He didn't say a word. He just sat there and listened. I felt his eyes on me. Burning me with their intensity. I ignored the feeling and kept talking.
I told him everything. About how hurt I was when he told me he didn't want me. About how I still blamed myself for everything. About how I didn't know if it was fair for either of us if I stayed. He didn't interrupt. I told him about what Alice had said and about me realizing just how much I loved him. I told him I couldn't live without him anymore and how much I didn't want to.
By the time I was done I was shaking and crying. I finally took a chance and looked up briefly at him. He was still staring at me. I felt like a child confessing to taking a cookie before dinner.
He had the oddest expression on his face. It looked like a cross between being royally pissed off, happy, and sad at the same time. It was only there briefly but it was long enough. I felt my heart drop back out of my chest. I took a deep breath bracing myself for what was to come.
"Are you done?" He asked teeth clenched. He seemed to be fighting with himself to retain control.
"For now. But before you say anything I just want to say I am sorry. I should have said something sooner, but I was just so confused and…" I dropped my gaze back to the floor, concentrating on one spot and trying to convince myself I had to give him a chance to say his peace, whether I wanted to hear it of not.
"Your right. You should have talked to me about this sooner."
"I know I….." I started but I was cut off by him suddenly appearing in front of me and taking me back into his arms. He lifted my chin once again and looking deeply into my eyes. He seemed to be staring straight into my soul.
"You should have told me sooner so I could have told you and showed you just how much you mean to me. I didn't know you were still having doubt about how I felt, which in turn was giving you doubt about how you felt. I guess we should have talked about this sooner instead of just putting it off for so long." I closed my eyes. Waiting for the final blow. Which never came.
"Bella look at me." He wasn't asking he was commanding and with out thinking I listened. My eyes snapped open and I was instantly trapped in his gaze. His eyes felt like they were burning mine from the intensity of his gaze.
"We need to get a few things straight right now, once and for all." He paused briefly making sure he had my full undivided attention. "Bella I once told you that you were my life. I meant every word. You were and still are my life. Without you I have nothing. If you have any doubts about me at all it shouldn't be about how I feel about you. The fact that you have been having thoughts like that tells me I haven't been clear enough. So let me remedy that right now."
He kept eye contact with me and dropped to his knees in front of me.
"Isabella Marie Swan I kneel before you to beg you for forgiveness. I have lied to you and I don't deserve your forgiveness but I want it. I need it. Because I can't live without you anymore Bella. I love you and I promise to show you and tell you everyday just how much you mean to me. I want us to start over. We can't change the past or forget it because it is what made us what we are today, but we can work together to make our future whatever we want it to be."
He took both my hands in his and looked up into my eyes.
"Bella I have regrets about the past too… more than you will ever know. But the past is what made you the woman you are today standing in front of me and if it is even possible I love you MORE now than I ever have. You have become a stronger more independent woman with a spirit like no other. You worry about hurting me but in truth Bella… I don't deserve you, I don't deserve your forgiveness and if you don't want to forgive me then please don't. Just don't leave me ever again. If nothing else I NEED you to know I LOVE YOU… I always have…. I always will. Forever."
I was in awe of this man. I tugged gently on his hands and he stood. I didn't know what to say or how to say what I was feeling. The love I felt for him in that moment was so fiercely intense it felt like acid coursing through my veins.
I was done thinking and worrying. I just acted. I leapt into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. I tried to put every once of passion I had into that kiss. He responded instantly kissing me back.
He only broke the kiss for a moment to look at me. "Does this mean you believe me? That you will not be leaving me anytime soon?"
"I don't honestly know if I could leave even if I wanted to. I love you Edward so much…. I need you in my life. I can't live without you again..."
"Then don't." He replied cupping my face then placing the sweetest most tender kiss on my lips that I had ever felt.
He broke the kiss again, his eyes twinkling with excitement. "Stay put for one second." He said then set me down on the edge of the bed then disappeared into the closet.
Before I could blink he was standing in front of me looking down at me from where he stood. Our eyes locked.
Slowly he sank to one knee, our eyes still locked. My breathing hitched and my heart started racing. Then he spoke. Slowly and clearly.
"Isabella Marie Swan, I love you." He took my hand gently in his. "I promise to love you for the rest of forever. Will you do me the honor of being my wife? Bella… Will you marry me?"