A/N - So, it comes down to this chapter and an epilogue that is written, but not yet edited. However, that should be out in a few days, and then we can move onto other stories. Thanks again to everyone who's taken this journey with me by reading, reviewing, and subscribing. I appreciate it all and am so happy this story found an audience amongst you. And BTW, the rating on the story has, as of this chapter, been changed to M. Fair warning.
Disclaimer - See Chapter 1, if necessary.
A half hour.
It had been a half hour since Rachel had pushed past Finn and secluded herself in Kurt's room. She was almost past the flowing tears, heaving sobs and endless use of Kleenex to blow her nose. Now, she simply laid on top of Kurt's bed, staring up at the ceiling without even seeing it, her argument – no, fight – with Finn still swirling around through her mind.
She wasn't completely surprised they had exploded at each other; even during the horrible break-up last year they never had a really bad or super serious dispute with each other. Rachel wasn't deluded into thinking that loving couples didn't have quarrels. She knew her fathers loved each other very much and they could cause the walls to shake with some of the disagreements they'd had, their shouting voices echoing through the house. So no, the argument itself didn't surprise her.
The viciousness, however, completely floored her. Not so much from Finn as she had seen flashes of his temper in the last two years, and also realized how deeply hurt he must have been from her actions last year, as well as when she had turned him down in New York. It was never her intention to hurt him that severely either time. No, what shocked her more was how malicious her own words and counter-arguments were. Rachel had prided herself on her ability to forgive and forget, giving people several chances to make amends with her despite prior hurts and grievances. It was why she and Quinn could now be said to be friends, it was why she and Kurt were all but inseparable, and it was why she was willing to listen to Jesse and at least consider reuniting before ultimately deciding she'd rather just be friends. Her heart would never let her consider anyone but Finn in that role.
Never would it have occurred to her she could get so angry and say such spiteful, hurtful things to the boy she loved. To bring up every single issue they'd gone through and throw each one in his face, highlighting everything he did wrong, was definitely not the mature way to handle things. True, he'd done it as well, but she really thought if it ever happened she would be the voice of reason and steer things back into a constructive, problem solving discussion rather than succumb to taunts, shoves and punches.
How wrong she was. Every ounce of pain, worry, dread, fear, frustration and concern she'd ever held for the lumbering quarterback came out all at once. They'd matched each other back and forth, airing out all the dirty laundry from the last two years of near misses, stolen kisses, and unfulfilled wishes. It was surprising to her they were still together as a couple for all the crap they'd put each other through.
Then Finn landed the bombshell on her.
He'd been shot; not only had he been shot, he'd been forced to return fire and take someone's life. Finn was no longer the same sweet, innocent, naïve teenage boy she'd so fallen in love with. Now he was practically a man; a man who'd stared down death face to face and somehow lived to tell about it.
Everything regarding his behaviour since returning to McKinley immediately clicked into place. The more serious, studious demeanour, interest in military history, being more aware of his surroundings, unafraid to shed tears in Glee, and standing up to Bronson for her. His fearlessness regarding all of it could be traced back to this encounter of which he'd spoken. After such a harrowing, life-altering experience, she imagined nothing about high school would seem that daunting, not even confronting another six foot athlete throwing slushie facials and accepting his challenge to a fist fight.
But where did that leave her? Why could he face down such physical threats yet be afraid to inform her of such a monumental change in his life? Sure, maybe she would have had a hard time believing him at first, but the scar on his chest would be more than enough proof to verify his story.
A soft knock at Kurt's door alerted her to Finn's presence beyond the threshold. "Rach? Please answer me."
Rachel sighed and closed her eyes, turning her back to the door even though he couldn't see her. She wasn't sure she was ready to talk at that moment.
"Go away, Finn. I'm not done being selfish and overdramatic yet." She grabbed Kurt's extra throw pillow and hugged it to herself tightly to feel more secure.
"Rach, c'mon. I was mad and-" The petite brunette could hear a breath of exasperation escape and a sound like his hand hitting his leg, probably after running it through his hair. "I'm sorry, Rach. Honest, I am. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. We were arguing and I got carried away in the heat of it all and-"
"How could you hide all of that from me?" She interrupted him through the door, controlling her voice though so that it didn't come across as harshly. "I thought I was your best friend; your confidante. Now I find out you were afraid to tell me what happened, especially when it was so horrible for you?" She could feel tears collecting at the corners of her eyes again and cursed herself. Couldn't she just stop the damn crying already? "I thought you loved me."
"I do, Rach. I swear. More than anything." He sighed again and she heard a sound as though his head came into contact with the door. "I'd do anything for you, Rach. But that...that also means trying to protect you from the bad stuff. And this...this was the worst I've ever gone through. I didn't want to burden you and-"
"But I need you to do that, Finn." She cried out, more frustrated than angry. "I need you to trust me and let me carry the burdens withyou. How can I help you or be with you if you keep it all inside?I mean, what's next, Finn? What else aren't you telling me? How much aren't you telling me? How can I know you love and trust me enough for us to last if you hide all the important things?"
There was silence on his side of Kurt's door, and when she didn't receive an answer for over twenty seconds, she rolled her eyes and dropped her head back down onto Kurt's bed, hugging the pillow even tighter. Of course Finn wouldn't try to prove his love or trust. Of course he wouldn't fight her on this. Of all the times when she wanted him to stay there and convince her of how deeply his emotions ran, and that she was the only one for him, he went silent. It was so typical of Finn Hudson; when you can't defeat the problem, you ignore it, as though ignoring it would make it all go away. She was so tired of him constantly avoiding the issues. It's what got them into this whole mess to begin with. If he just faced things head on, like he had with Bronson, everything would be resolved much more quickly and with far less fall-out.
A sudden, strange crackling sound along the carpet caught her attention. Rachel frowned slightly as she turned to the door to determine what had caused it.
There, sitting on the floor about four or so inches from where it had been pushed underneath, was a red envelope.
As she examined it more closely, she noticed it was actually a mostly red envelope. The paper had somehow been soaked in a liquid dye before being given to her. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she stepped off the bed and carefully picked it up off the floor. She turned it over in her hands and her breath hitched in her throat.
On the front, written clearly in Finn's handwriting, was her name and address.
It's a letter...addressed to me? What is he-
"I...I wrote it the night before we were deployed, and it was in my inside pocket when I...when I...uh...well… when I was shot."
Rachel froze in alarm as his words echoed in her ears, staring at the envelope in her hand. It was obvious now after his brief explanation why it was stained red.
This letter, her letter, was soaked in his blood.
She swallowed as the implications of it all swirled in her mind. Finn had written this and had it on him when facing down his assailant, and the meaning was quite clear; even in that moment of life and death, she was never far from his mind. No matter what he went through this summer, through training and making new friends and performing his duties and even while deployed into the middle of a natural disaster, she was always in the forefront of his thoughts.
"I...I wanted to mail it in Joplin but we never got the postal units and the post offices were all closed down because of the tornado and..." She heard him sigh again and remain quiet. "It's all in there, Rach. Everything; how I feel, how I know it's you...just...please...just read it." With that, she heard his footsteps pad away from Kurt's door and suspected he'd returned to his room.
Her mouth was still open in shock, staring at the envelope in disbelief. For it to have been in his pocket during his deployment and written the night before meant he was going to send this to her at the same time she'd sent her own letter. It clicked in her mind that they had both come to the same conclusion of trying to re-establish their relationship at practically the same time.
If there was ever a metaphor for a relationship destined by fate, then surely two people deciding at the same time to write each other had to count, didn't it?
With shaking hands she ripped open the envelope, careful to not damage the precious contents within. Gingerly she pulled the two folded pages out of the envelope and unfolded them, the fibres of the sheets stiff from the blood that permeated them. The ink, however, was hardly affected and still stood out against the page's colouring. Rachel sat down on the edge of Kurt's bed, took a deep breath and closed her eyes momentarily while trying to still her beating heart, tumbling emotions and somersaulting stomach. After a few more steadying breaths she opened her eyes and dropped them to the pages in her hand.
Dear Rachel...
XXXXX
Finn lay on his bed on his back with his eyes closed, refusing to wipe away the tear stains on his face. He wasn't the type of person who normally prayed, other than that whole misguided belief he had captured the attention of Jesus in his grilled cheese (and man, what the heck had he been thinking?), but right now he really was praying that Rachel would read his letter. Odd that he was so hopeful for it to occur when he'd gone for so long keeping the letter from her.
Their argument still replayed in his mind, and he couldn't believe he'd been so juvenile as to throw everything Rachel had done to hurt him back in her face. He knew bringing up the past was the worst thing people could do when trying to move forward together, but he was angry and upset and his mouth just ran away from him. On top of that he had already promised not to lie to her again, yet broke that promise months later by not revealing the true facts of his deployment. It was wrong to keep it from her in the first place but he'd genuinely thought she would sever all ties with him if she knew everything. Finding out he'd lost his virginity to Santana had her kissing his best friend in retaliation; who knew what she would be capable of upon finding out he was forced to take a life. The possibilities were frightening, and those were just the 'mild' scenarios that flashed through his mind.
Through it all though, Finn had to admit she had a point; he ran and hid far too often in life, always trying to avoid the tough issues or decisions facing him. Until his deployment, he'd never really dealt with something supremely difficult. Learning Rachel had made out with Puck last year had been painful, but it didn't damage his personality or make him question his beliefs about himself. Discovering he was responsible for someone's death, however, had thrown his entire self-identity into question. How does one recover from such a crisis as not really knowing who they are to themselves anymore?
The sound of her dress rustling with her movements alerted him to her presence. His eyes snapped open quickly and he lifted his head to look at her. Rachel was still covered up in her unzipped dress, but a look of sadness and regret filled her eyes, even as the two pieces of blood-soaked paper hung limply from her hand. He sighed quietly, relieved that if nothing else she had, at least, read his letter.
Now it was a matter of finding out what happened next.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She asked softly.
Finn looked down and away from her eyes, ashamed. "I…I honestly didn't know if you could accept this about me, Rach. I…I'm kinda having a hard time accepting it myself." He barked a short laugh devoid of humour. "As if you couldn't already tell."
She swallowed but held her gaze. "Did you really believe I'd think less of you, knowing you were forced into such a horrible decision?"
Finn sighed shakily, shrugging. "You…you didn't think much of me last year for something a less worse, though. I mean, I totally get what you said. I know I have a lot to be blamed for last year with Santana. I never, never should have hidden that from you. The pain you must have…" He shook his head and swallowed again. "That was just for hiding my virginity. But this…this changed everything about me, Rach. Who I was, how I saw life, saw myself, saw the people around me. It's like…like I was forced to grow up before I was ready; before I could even handle it. It changed so much, I…didn't know if you'd like me anymore, because I didn't even feel like me. I mean, I was me, but not the me that you knew."
He looked into her face to notice her biting her lip. Rachel regarded the letter once more before dropping it on the floor and coming closer to him, standing between his legs while he sat on the bed. They remained like that for a few seconds, their eyes searching one another's, and in a moment everything seemed to pass between them; love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance was all rolled together and knowingly exchanged between them.
She leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips, pressing a bit more firmly when his hands came up to grip her around the waist through her dress. He pulled away briefly. "God, Rach, I'm so sorry and-"
Her finger pressed to his lips and she nodded. "I'm sorry too." She whispered to him before shaking her head slightly. "No more words."
Finn wondered what exactly she meant when suddenly her hands gripped the bottom of his t-shirt and slowly pulled it up. His eyes questioned her intentions and she gave him a pleading look, causing him to relent. With a soft exhalation of breath, he allowed the garment to be pulled up his chest, around his shoulders and off his head and arms. Rachel dropped the shirt behind her, heedless of where it fell, and her eyes were drawn back down towards the oval scar on his pectoral muscle. Finn watched as she slowly descended and dropped herself to her knees, looking at the rough, oval shaped patch of skin at eye level. She traced its outline again with her fingers before smiling warmly at Finn, and then leaned in and kissed his scar softly, her lips grazing the tissue in a manner meant more as accepting than sexual. Turning back to him, she placed her whole hand on the scar and gazed into his eyes, and Finn knew in that instant that everything between them was fine.
She accepted him, all of him, without any further questions or conditions.
Everything for Finn suddenly became a blur as she hungrily moved in and captured his lips with hers, her hands no longer resting only on his scar and shoulders, but now freely roaming to touch everywhere as the two collapsed onto his bed with her on top of him. Hands, muscles, face, back, neck, each touch drove him crazy as her fingertips left paths of fire and tingling skin no matter where they roamed. He closed his eyes and revelled as her soft lips descended from his to trace his jaw and then suck on his pulse point, her left hand roaming downwards and feeling every muscle in his torso before slowly coming up and resting on his right pectoral muscle. He jerked a bit as her fingers found his nipple and began playing with it, teasing and hardening it with light pinches before using her soft palms and fingertips to alleviate the aches she caused. Her lips trailed down from his pulse point to kiss his shoulders and chest, and he couldn't help but buck his hips a bit when she scraped her teeth along his chest, nipping him lightly. After rolling her pelvis into his now noticeable arousal a couple of times, driving him insane in the best way imaginable, he watched as she sat up astride him and regarded him with ragged breaths, mussed hair and swollen lips.
"Rach-" He was about to ask if she was okay, but just as soon as he said anything her finger came against his lips again.
"No words." She repeated with a smile. He swallowed, nodding a bit, and remained stunned in place as she brought her hands up and slowly removed the top portion of her dress, leaving her in nothing but the dress billowing around his midsection and a strapless bra. Her breathing was still shallow and her skin flushed with their exploits, and she turned back to look at him sultrily.
Finn could have sworn he'd died and gone to heaven. Here was Rachel Berry, almost topless, sitting astride him with nothing more than a loose dress and strapless bra. Life really didn't get much better than this. He grinned at her and his eyes clouded with lust.
Then, in one fluid motion, her two hands reached back and unclasped her bra. Without hesitation, it fell from around her chest and was dropped on the floor, forgotten. She sat there revealing herself, her small breasts enticingly bare and nipples protruding in a manner that signified her own sexual arousal.
Heaven was suddenly looking a whole lot more enticing.
Swallowing (and discretely pinching himself to make sure this wasn't just some fantasy dream that seemed real…he'd had them before), he slowly, cautiously, brought his hands around to her chest and gently caressed her left breast, marvelling in how soft and natural they felt in his otherwise clumsy hands. Sure, he'd touched them before, even bare, but not so openly and without other clothing, a snug shirt or bra, somehow impeding him. This time, nothing was restricting his movements (or hers) and he carefully stroked them the way he always imagined she'd enjoy; grazing the sides gently with his fingers before cupping them and gently squeezing.
The guttural, carnal moan that came forth from Rachel almost had Finn calling for the mailman, especially when her eyes fluttered closed and her arms came up above her head at the pleasure of it all. He squeezed a little more firmly, this time swiping his thumb over her nipples, and the gasp of pleasure she emitted coursed through him like fire. He repeated the action, causing Rachel's hips to grind down into his as her head rolled up and her back arched into his touch. After caressing them for a few more moments, Rachel dropped herself onto Finn and passionately kissed him, shoving her tongue into his mouth and moaning further as his right hand splayed across her bare back and his left hand continued to knead her right breast. He swiped her nipple again with his thumb, once more causing her to grind down against his building erection.
Their eyes met and exchanged gazes of desire and lust, and then, without thinking, Finn rolled Rachel over so that he was on top of her and his mouth descended on her neck. Another breathy release came from her as his lips, teeth and tongue traced down along her skin until soon he was softly kissing her breasts, slow and tantalizing, letting just the tip of his tongue tingle against her skin before he pulled away and repeated the action an inch closer to the centre. After feeling Rachel groan slightly, her fingers twitching into a light claw along the back of his neck, he carefully pulled a sensitive nipple into his mouth and lightly sucked it, flicking his tongue across the jutting nub.
The combination of escaping breath and moan all at the same time from Rachel made Finn even harder that he already was at that moment, and he felt her right hand everywhere along his back at once as though she couldn't feel enough of him. Meanwhile her left hand secured his head where it was, leaving no doubt that she was enjoying his ministrations. Her hips bucked into his as he finally released her breast and he moved up to give her a long, slow open mouthed kiss, swiping her tongue with his as his right thumb went back to tease her nipple, the left over saliva acting as a lubricant and causing yet another moan of pleasure to escape from her. With care, he tenderly pulled away from her mouth and proceeded to lathe her other breast and nipple with kisses and smooth caresses before also pulling it into his mouth and sucking lightly.
"Yes!" Rachel whispered in ecstacy, again securing his head where it was and arching her back into his mouth. Finn's right hand came down to her lower back and supported her so he could grind his hips into hers as he continued to suckle her breast. Once again, he finished and moved up to give her another long, slow and heated kiss, this time his left hand gently turning and caressing her breast's nipple.
Finn pulled away from the kiss to regard his beautiful girlfriend; her hair was mussed sexily, her eyes dilated and filled with lust, her cheeks red with swollen lips, and the nipples of her breasts erect and still moist from his attentions. She moved again against his hips, grinding into him in an age old carnal manner, then smiled impishly as she locked her legs around him and pulled him sideways off her so they could be side by side. Her hands again found his pectoral muscles and began stroking them as her lips wandered across his shoulders and down his arms to kiss each inch of skin along his biceps. Finn took the opportunity to inhale deeply and try to control himself, but he didn't think his girlfriend was allowing that as suddenly her hands descended to his belt and nimbly unbuckle it. Before Finn knew what was happening he was helping her discard the uniform pants and practically panting as Rachel's small hands came against his length outside of his boxers.
"Rach, I..." Finn gasped as he felt her hand squeeze around his manhood, but she silenced him again by pressing her lips against his, swallowing his breath and words with her mouth while her tongue danced against his. Slowly, gently almost, her hand stroked his rock hard erection, making Finn's breathing ragged and uneven. She cupped the tip in her hand and gripped him more firmly, and the tall quarterback felt himself shiver with bliss at feeling her small hand against him. Slowly, tantalizingly, she moved her hand up and down his length while maintaining her tighter grip and Finn thought he was going to come unravelled from the sheer slow torture of it all. Then Rachel cupped his cheek with her free hand and kissed him passionately again, increasing suddenly the speed with which she moved her hand until she was practically pumping him like a piston.
His hips bucked against her hand, and he was about to ask her to stop when he remembered (barely) her command of not exchanging words. Instead, he seized her wrist in his hand and gently pulled her away before turning her on her back and pushing down the remainder of her dress. She helped him along, arching off her hips to allow it to slide down past her legs, and then she kicked it onto the floor with as much care as she'd shown his clothing. Finn took a moment to appreciate the site of Rachel Berry lying almost naked in front of him, wearing nothing more than a thin pair of cotton panties. Her skin was flushed and her body was responding to all of his touches.
She glanced at him worriedly, her eyes questioning. "Am...Do...do you like..."
Before she could continue, he pressed his finger to her lips and held her stare lovingly. "No words." He whispered huskily at her as he dove in for yet another heated kiss that she eagerly returned, their hands tracing each other's skin everywhere they could and desperately clinging to each other as the kiss deepened. With no protests from her, his hands traced down the sides of her breasts, past the ribcage, across her hips and then settled on the centre of her womanhood, gently massaging overtop of her thin panties. Rachel's eyes closed involuntarily and her breathing increased in long, shallow breaths as he simply allowed the weight of his hand to rest there, moving his fingers only slightly to give her gentle massaging sensations. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, having never gone this slowly or sensually with a girl – woman – before. He guessed when his fingers drifted lower between her legs to come in contact with the lips of her folds and causing her to buck her hips violently while uttering a moan of desire that he must have been doing something right. She grabbed his head roughly and again kissed him deeply, gripping him tightly enough he'd have trouble pulling away if he'd wanted, but he had no such thoughts. He kissed her and enjoyed each sensation of their lips and tongues colliding desperately with each other as his fingers and hands continued to manipulate her centre in any way he could think.
"God, Finn...please just-"
"No words." He gently reminded her as he kissed her yet again, speeding up and using just a bit more pressure to work her up. Then, with a carnal moan, Rachel suddenly pulled away from his long kiss and reached down to practically rip her panties off and throw them away absently. Before Finn could even appreciate the view, Rachel secured his large hand in her small one and replaced it to where it was before.
Finn nearly came right there as his fingers came into direct contact with her now wet womanhood, and he continued to caress and rub it every conceivable way. Swallowing, he gently tested to see if he could slip one finger inside of her, and was rewarded with a massive cry of pleasure as her hips arched off the bed, accepting the entire length of his digit inside of her. He circled her walls, tenderly moving in and out, and Rachel's nails dug into the skin on his back tighter as her breathing increased rapidly. Sensing or feeling that he might be able to use two fingers, he inserted another digit inside carefully, ensuring that what he was doing wouldn't be too much for her to bear. Instead, her left hand came down and gripped his forearm to guarantee he couldn't remove it. Again, he lightly began moving the two fingers in and out, ensuring he was changing the angles each time to provide maximum contact with her sensitive lips.
The moans of desire and look of blissful enjoyment on her face made Finn wonder how he had lasted this long without losing his control, especially when he could feel how tight and restrictive his boxers were in that moment. Rachel's verbal cues, however, seemed to be indicating she was close to release, even if she couldn't do anything but dig her nails further into the skin on his back and forearm. Thinking how much she seemed to enjoy it previously, he wondered what would occur if he leaned over and sucked on her breast while he continued to soothingly stroke her inside. He bent down and hungrily sucked one of her nipples into his mouth, lathering it with his tongue.
Rachel's reaction was immediate. She cried out his name, bucked her hips into his hand, curling up off the bed briefly, then flattened herself out and arched her hips to meet each stroke of his fingers. He deftly continued the process until she repeated the same actions, then brought her hands down quickly to still him, indicating he should cease. He glanced up to her face as her eyes fluttered open and she gasped deeply, trying to steady her breathing and post orgasm shivers.
She turned to him with eyes full of love and a beam of a smile, and Finn could swear he felt his own emotions increase tenfold for this beautiful woman in front of him. Rachel had shared the most intimate and vulnerable thing possible with him, trusting him enough to allow him to pleasure her as he had, and the sheer power of their connection seemed amplified by it. He gathered her into his arms to simply hold her and let her know, non-verbally, that he didn't take anything she shared with him for granted.
He soon learned, however, that Rachel would have none of that. She returned his embrace for a few moments, then leaned up and whispered breathlessly into his ear.
"Condom."
If anything would have shocked him more in that moment, he wouldn't have known what it was. In an instant his gaze locked in place with hers, and even though he could see the trust, care, and love in her eyes, he couldn't stop himself from trying to ask the question anyway; he really didn't want Rachel to make the same mistake about this he had. "Rach, are you comple-"
Again, in an instant, her lips secured around his, but this time the kiss was different. Not urgent and carnal, instead she gave him one that was decisive, knowing and full of love. After nipping at his lips with hers a few times, she pulled away only enough for him to see her nod.
It took two tries to secure one around himself (the first one tore in his hands when he tried to roughly rip open the foil package, causing Rachel to giggle at his enthusiasm). Swallowing, he gently lowered himself between her legs while her right hand drifted down to secure itself around his erection and help to guide him. They'd never done this before with each other, and neither knew what exactly to expect, but Finn kissed her as fervently and lovingly as he could, trying to convey in one gesture how incredible this was for him and how grateful he was to be sharing this with her.
He got the sense she was of like mind as she silently mouthed a single, soft word to him against his lips. Please.
Finn had read up on the subject, mostly in the Cosmopolitan magazines he borrowed from Kurt's room without his brother's knowledge. He knew the first time could be painful for a woman, so he made sure he entered into her only with as much force as she was guiding him. Her head arched up in sheer surprise and pleasure for the first couple of inches, but as he gently continued inside her tight, wet folds, he saw her face beginning contort in pain. When it didn't pass after a while he attempted to withdraw, but her legs clamped around his waist and her heels dug into his back, stilling him and actually pushing him further along until his entire length was deeply set inside. He could feel her shifting uncomfortably underneath and he tried to insist that he didn't want to hurt her, even at the sake of their first time. "Rach, really," He whispered, "we don't-"
"No words." She repeated in a whisper, adjusting herself some more as her eyes took on a faraway look, like she was concentrating on her comfort and this new sensation. Finn decided simply to remain inside of her without moving, allowing her to control what happened. Since Rachel had locked him still with her legs, he revelled for as long as possible the feeling of being so connected and intimate with this wonderful, determined young woman lying underneath him. Finn gently kissed her along the neck, cheeks and ears, and suddenly realized they had begun to move together in an instinctual, carnal dance. Each thrust of his pelvis moved in time to each lift of her hips. Her warm, tight centre completely sheathed him as he continued to move within her, letting his length draw slowly in and out. His hardened member pressed against the lips of her folds and seemed to send wave upon wave of pleasure through her as the pain etched on her face changed to desire and need. Her hands raked down the skin on his back even as his hands gripped her shoulders more tightly, and without speaking they increased their movements, his length beginning to pump more quickly in and out of her.
Although he hadn't needed to call the mailman as much since his summer training, the combination of Rachel's' tight, wet centre, her breathy moans against his chest and neck and surprisingly strong hands that wandered down and gripped his ass hard wasn't something the entire postal service could have helped him with. Emitting a carnal growl, his eyes squeezed shut and he spilled himself inside the condom, gasping in pleasure but continued thrusting, making love for as long as possible. Rachel made and incoherent sound and squeezed her legs around him even tighter only a moment after his own release, and the feeling of being inside her as she pulled him tight against her body and rode her orgasm around him almost made him lose control a second time. He thrust inside slowly a few more times before being too spent to continue. Finn buried his head into her neck, both of them breathing heavily from their lovemaking and tightly embracing each other.
"That was everything, Rach." Finn mumbled breathlessly into her neck and against her ear, feeling his erection fade but still seated inside of her. "Everything I wanted it to be; everything it should have been. All of it was there. It could only be there with you." He pulled back and regarded her, feeling like his love for this amazing woman had grown to limitless proportions. "I love you. There's nothing else I can say, no other word. You're everything I need. Everything."
"Even before you knew you needed it?" Rachel murmured to him with loving eyes, her hands still busy tracing the contours of his back and arms before coming to rest on his face. Finn nodded to her at the reference to his letter, and she squeezed her legs around his waist a little tighter, still not allowing him to withdraw.
"It was perfect, Finn," she murmured. "Everything I wanted my first time to be, and I always wanted it to be with you." She kissed him again before leaning up and gently kissing his earlobe, whispering quietly. "Thank you."
He chuckled a bit and reluctantly withdrew himself, rolling onto his back. She allowed him to pull her along his side and rested her head on his chest, gripping him around his waist and hugging him closer. They remained there in each other's embrace, silently celebrating their new level of intimacy with soft strokes of fingers, light kisses and shared looks of love, affection, and complete trust.
XXXXX
After quickly disposing of his condom properly (and underneath some other garbage in the shared bathroom as he didn't need Kurt knowing what he and Rachel had done that night), Finn quickly washed his face and neck free of sweat before returning to his bedroom. He reasoned he and Rachel had about twenty to thirty minutes before the others started returning to the Hudson-Hummel complex. Kurt usually didn't get back until very late on weekends when out with Blaine, and his Mom and Burt had already said it would likely be around three a.m. (or later) before they got back from Columbus.
Disappointed Rachel would soon have to go to the separate guest room downstairs he expected to return to his room to find her getting dressed. Instead, he saw her sitting primly on top of the bed, naked and cross legged, having drawn the covers back up and actually making the bed to hide any evidence of their sexual activities. She smiled warmly at him even as he leaned down to kiss her, but then pulled away a bit. "I want you to do something for me."
"I can think of several things I can do for you." Finn responded naughtily, his left hand trailing down from her neck to stroke across her breast again. Rachel's breath hitched in her throat, but she shook her head and gently pulled his hand away.
"No distractions." She wagged her finger in his face, even as she allowed him another kiss before patting the bed in front of her. "Please sit down in front of me, like I am."
"Uh...okay." Finn agreed, crawling onto the bed and sitting, naked and cross legged, in front of her but allowing his eyes to drift over every inch of her exposed form. Damn, he really did have the hottest girl in school with those small, perky breasts, neatly trimmed hair around her most intimate parts (he could appreciate that now that all he was doing was looking) and gorgeous toned legs whose appearance belied their length. And her ass? Well, he'd been appreciating that for well over two years, now. He'd probably be appreciating it forever.
"Please focus." She said, lifting his head up by the chin so that his eyes were in line with hers, even though her lips were spread in a favourable grin from his lustful looks.
He sighed, but knew when she had a certain tone of voice that she was being serious. He nodded and maintained eye contact. "Okay, okay. Focused. What can I do for you?"
She gripped both of his hands in hers, entwining their fingers and grasping them as though never about to let go. "This position we're now in, Finn, is a metaphor."
Metaphor? Those were really important to Rachel. He perked up a bit, knowing he'd better pay attention to the next words she spoke. "It is?"
Rachel nodded. "We are sitting across from each other, completely naked, Finn. There's nothing about each other we do not know in a physical sense. I can see all of you, you can see all of me, and we now have very intimate knowledge of how we respond to each other sexually. "
Finn wasn't entirely sure what point she was going to make, but agreed with her and nodded. "Alright, I'm with you so far, I think."
"Physically, there are no longer any barriers between us, because we love and we trust each other and want to share that part of ourselves with the other. That's how I feel about you, Finn. Am I correct in believing you feel the same way?"
"You know I do Rach." Finn replied with a smile as his head motioned towards the letter she'd dropped on the floor before their lovemaking.
"In the same way, Finn, in a strong relationship, we need to share our emotional selves as well, by revealing and opening up our thoughts, our dreams, our beliefs," her eyes met his seriously, "but also our pains and our fears."
The tall quarterback sighed deeply but knew exactly where Rachel was now taking this conversation. Surprising himself, however, he found himself agreeing wholeheartedly with her, even if he dreaded revisiting the topic.
"I'm going to ask you again, and I really want you to tell me everything, in your own words. Not because I'm nosy, or because I'm right, or because I insist that I know everything about you. I want to know because I love you with everything I have, and that means I want to understand your pain as much as your joys and triumphs. So please...please tell me." She took a breath and squeezed his hands with both of her small ones. "What happened to you this summer, Finn?"
As it often did, as soon as Finn started seriously thinking about the life he'd been forced to take, a tear began to collect in the corner of his eye and soon it trailed down his cheek. He moved to swipe it away, but Rachel stilled his hand in hers and reached up to remove it for him, gently gathering the moisture on her fingertip before returning her hand back to his and again threading their fingers together. It was a simple action, but Finn recognized it as much more. He looked up into Rachel's eyes and knew, really knew, that no matter what he'd been through or what he'd done, there was a woman other than his mother who would never fail to love him or ever push him away because of it. And she was the same wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman sitting in front of him now, asking him to bare his soul for her, just as he'd bared his body.
He nodded to her, swallowing, and then let go of a shaky breath. Finally, he looked up into her eyes.
"We were sent into the suburbs to disseminate information..."
XXXXX
FIVE WEEKS LATER...
The nerves settled deep into his stomach as he sat in the waiting room, his hands and feet tapping out a complicated drum rhythm of their own accord as he continued wondering if this was a good idea. Beside him on his left sat his mother, calm and collected, reading an issue of some home decorating magazine she'd borrowed off the table in front of him. On his right sat Rachel, also busy flipping through a magazine, but this one about singing and music that she'd brought with her from home.
"Would you relax, please?" Carole Hudson muttered to him after being bumped by his left arm while he tapped out his drum pattern. For her part, Rachel's hand came up and stilled his right arm, even while she continued to read. After a second, she turned her eyes from her magazine and looked at him.
Finn huffed out a breath and stood up. "I'm just nervous, okay? I don't...I just...what if he thinks I'm crazy? What if there's no cure? What if-"
"You need it, Finn. And you know you do." Rachel gave him a pointed look which made further arguments die on his lips.
Carole looked at him understandingly. "Finn, there's no 'cure' to be had here. Really, he's just a therapist. I've seen one, Rachel's seen one. He's going to listen to what's bothering you and suggest some advice, techniques and exercises to help you deal with the issue at hand. This happened in August. It's now January and you're still deeply affected by it."
"I'll always be deeply affected by it, Mom." Finn retorted.
"Of course you will be." Carole agreed, sharing an understanding glance with Rachel. "But I think Rachel's right about this, Finn. You're beyond the help of friends and family. We'll always be here for you, but you need to talk to a professional with actual training regarding this issue. He can help you see yourself the way you were before. He can suggest ways to not let this affect you so much in your everyday life."
"He was highly recommended by CISM." Rachel continued where his Mom left off, pulling out the pamphlet Finn had been given by his Sergeant. Although he'd tried to forget about it, she had discovered it under a stack of homework on his desk just a couple weeks prior. "This counsellor has specific experience and specialized training dealing with PTSD and survivor's guilt. He's been used by many Ohio and Indiana police forces to help officers who were forced into similar situations you went through."
Carole stilled Finn's pacing with a hand on his forearm as he tried to walk past. "Finn, please try this. I know you hate talking about what happened even with your family or Rachel, but like it or not, this isn't going to go away and you need to be able to deal with it properly."
"And not trying to avoid it." Rachel put in pointedly. A concurring nod of approval was exchanged between the two women before they both turned back to give him imploring looks.
Finn groaned as he saw them agreeing with each other and turn towards him. Yeah, there was no way he was getting out of this, especially since he knew both his Mom and Rachel had him wrapped around their fingers and could probably get him to do whatever they wanted as individuals. When they combined forces? Absolutely no escape whatsoever. He was only eighteen but already it felt like the women in his family were ganging up on him. Well, he was pretty sure one way or another that Rachel would be his family someday. He didn't have many long term plans yet in life (though he'd started talking about it a bit more with Rachel) but one that was secure in his mind was his and Rachel's eventual marriage. To him it wasn't even a question, just an inevitable fact.
The door opened to the waiting area and an older lady in professional clothing came out with a file in her hands. "Mr. Hudson?" When Finn raised his hand a bit to indicate his presence, she smiled warmly. "Come on in. Dr. Greve will see you now."
Despite the joke being old since the day they made the appointment, Finn noticed Rachel giggle slightly at the name. She'd told him she found it 'hilariously ironic' that a doctor who specialized in survivor's guilt and post traumatic stress disorder had a last name sounding like 'grieve'. Still, she cast him a loving, caring gaze and squeezed his forearm as he got up and looked down to her.
"This will help, Finn. You can only get better from here, provided you open up about it all." She stood on her toes and pecked him on the lips. "And everyone wants you to get better."
Carole nodded and kissed Finn on the cheek. "Rachel's right, you know. You should listen to her. Lord knows you don't pay enough attention to me."
"Hey!" Finn protested quickly as both Carole and Rachel laughed. He knew it now beyond the shadow of a doubt; they were so totally ganging up on him.
"We'll be in the coffee shop across the street. Come find us when your hour is finished, okay?" Carole and Rachel both hugged him once before nodding and leaving together out the main entrance. Finn watched them depart and then turned to the inside door by which the secretary was standing.
It would always haunt him that he had been required to kill someone; forced to make a decision that altered forever not only his life but the lives of so many others. But the past was in the past, and nothing could be done to change it. All that could be affected was the present and the future, and one thing Finn knew for certain was that he didn't want this weighing on his mind forever. He had friends, he had family, and he had Rachel to offer him support whenever he needed it, but the real change could only come from within. Just like at the beginning of the summer, he had to focus on himself to ensure the changes he wanted to make could be accomplished.
"Ready, Mr. Hudson?"
Finn sighed, squared his shoulders and nodded before proceeding into the office. He could do this.
"Yeah, I'm ready."
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