Chapter Twenty Five –How To Save A Life

The elevator ride up to his penthouse felt like the longest elevator ride of her life. She was just thankful that Lucas had given her the key when she told him that she was coming up to New York for a few days. Their plane had landed late last night and after grabbing something to eat they went to Brooke's penthouse for the night. They both needed time to think. She was glad that Julian was with her last night. She felt so safe and it had gotten her ready to deal with today.

It helped knowing that somewhere on the Upper East Side Julian was surprising Solaris with flowers. She smiled as she thought about it. She was proud of him. She hoped that things worked out well for the two of them. They were perfect for each other.

She could feel the elevator coming to a stop and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She mentally prepared herself for this. Lucas warned her that this wouldn't be easy nor did she expect it to be. Nathan was going through something that she didn't know if she could help him through. She would try though…for Jamie. He needed his dad back.

The elevator doors opened slowly and she walked inside hesitantly. She could smell the alcohol the second she walked inside the penthouse. She took one look around and noticed how bad the place looked. The kitchen was to her right. The counters were covered with pizza boxes, beer bottles, and so many different types of liquor that she couldn't even name them all. It looked like he was running a bar.

The main living room was to her left. It was a huge open space. The huge flat screen plasma was on Sports Center with the volume muted. The walls were covered in pictures of Nathan playing in college for Duke and some from the Knicks. On the far side of the wall was where he kept all his trophies, no doubt he wanted everyone to see them. Well, at least he used to she was sure. Now glass was shattered all over the brown shelves, the trophies were all lying down and most of them were scattered on the floor. The floor was covered in shattered glass and beer cans. The coffee table looked just like the kitchen counters. The place was a mess and she had just noticed that from walking in.

The place reeked of hard liquor.

It was safe to say that he had been drinking a lot lately. She felt her stomach twist in pain as she realized how truly a mess things were. She knew that he had been taking things pretty hard from what Lucas told her and Clayton had called her once concerned. She just didn't think things were this bad. She placed her suitcase on the ground and carefully walked her way inside the living room. It was hard getting around all the bottles and cans on the floor. The place looked like a guy's dorm room at first glance.

She noticed him passed out on the sofa. He was still fully clothed from the night before. His clothes were all disheveled. The sight of him pulled her heartstrings and she bit her bottom lip. He had dark circles under his eyes. His face was covered in stubble, something that she had never seen on him. Even asleep he looked like he was in pain. One of his arms was hanging off of the sofa and she glanced at it and noticed that they had an empty bottle of Vodka just inches from his fingers on the floor. In his other hand, across his chest, was some small photo. She placed down her purse on the chair next to her before reaching for the remote. She turned off the TV.

She made it next to his sleeping body, pushing beer cans to make a path to him.

She could feel the tears coming but she wasn't going to let them out. Not now. She could do this. He needed her. He really needed her. At least, he needed someone. Reaching down, she stroked his cheek softly. His eyes fluttered open and noticed her bent down over him. He glanced at her confused before laughing.

"You're not real," Nathan muttered tiredly.

She didn't know how long he had slept for but he still looked exhausted and drunk from the night before. She could smell it on his breath. The dark circles under his eyes let her know that he hadn't been sleeping much. He probably had been drinking himself to sleep every night. She felt bad for him.

"I'm here to help you," Haley whispered.

He closed his eyes. "You shouldn't be here, Haley. I'll only hurt you. It's what I'm good at…the only thing. I hurt everyone that I care about…push them away. I deserve to be alone. All alone…just me…no one here."

She reached down and took his hand in hers. She ignored his protests as she pulled him up. It took everything in her but eventually she had him standing up next to her with her arm around his waist. She placed his arm around her shoulders as she started walking him out of the living room. He was wobbling next to her. How was he still drunk? It took sometime but eventually she found his room. He fell onto his bed and she rolled him over. She took off his shoes and tossed them on the floor.

"What's happening…why are…"

"Just get some rest," Haley stated as she squeezed his hand.

His eyes continued to flutter open and then close. "I miss you…Jamie…I miss…" He was passed out before he could get the rest out.

"He misses you, too."

She noticed a picture of Jamie sitting on his nightstand. It was the only picture in the room and she didn't know why it surprised her, but it did. She felt her heart constrict at the sight of it. She wondered how long he had it there.

She sat there for a few seconds before walking out of his room. She closed the door and then made her way about towards all the mess. She stood there for minutes before looking at everything. She walked slowly towards the kitchen and instantly stood in front of the sink.

First things first, she thought, get rid of all the liquor in the house.

~***~

It had taken her all day to get the front of the penthouse clean, but she did it. It looked like a different place looking at it now. It looked like a bachelor pad. It looked like Nathan's place. She fixed all his trophies back into place, the floor was spotless, the place smelt refreshing, and there was no more liquor in the place. There had been countless bags stuffed with bottles in them.

The only thing on the coffee table was the letter that Deb had written him. She didn't know where he wanted to put it so she kept it there. The other thing was the picture that he had been holding. It was of her and Jamie. She didn't know where to put it.

After she had cleaned the place up she had left to get groceries. There had been no food in the place except for old pizza. She bought all the things that they would need and then met up with Julian for dinner. They ate at a café downtown and he told her all about what had happened with Solaris.

"Then I kissed her," Julian grinned.

She laughed softly. "In front of everyone just like that?"

"Yup," Julian nodded. "Well, she was shocked that I was there and she didn't know what to say. Everyone was just looking at us and so I just went for it. It worked. She started talking after that."

"Nice."

"I have my moments."

"That you do."

"So, how did things go with the…with Nathan?" Julian questioned carefully.

She brought her finger to her wine glass and traced the rim of it. "It's really bad, Julian. Really bad. I don't know if I can help him."

"If anyone can it's you," Julian pointed out.

"He's hurting so much and I…," she held her tears back as a vision of from this morning flashed in her mind. It had been so hard seeing him like that. Nathan always seemed so put together and now he just didn't. He was in pain and she didn't know how to make that go away. She didn't know how to make him better.

She felt his hand covering hers over the small table that they sat at. She finally gazed at him and noticed him smiling softly at her. She knew that look. It meant that she wasn't alone and that he was there for her like he always had been. It was almost enough to make her feel better. Almost.

But even then that didn't make things with Nathan ok. Her heart was aching in her chest and she wanted to think about something else. Anything else would do. She just couldn't sit here and think about him knowing how much pain he was in. It only hurt.

"What do you think Brooke and Lucas are doing?" Haley asked suddenly.

Julian pretended to think. "Having sex all over my house. I'm going to have to move."

She laughed and just like that he got her mind off of all her troubles. It was amazing how he could do that but he did. He was always so good at making her feel better. She stayed with him for as long as she could. They talked and talked until Solaris called when she got off of work. She watched him walk away before leaving herself. With a heavy heart she made her way back to Nathan's.

She found herself sitting alone on Nathan's sofa as she flipped through the channels. There was nothing on and nothing for her to do.

She wondered what Jamie was doing and if he was having fun with JJ. She was sure that he was. Ever since Nathan had taken off Jake and Peyton had been constantly keeping Jamie busy when he was with them. In fact, everyone had. Every day Jamie had been doing something fun with someone in her family. She was glad. He had been so busy that he hadn't really had time to ask questions about Nathan.

It was while she was in the kitchen fixing a glass of water that she heard him walking down the hall. Her whole body tensed and she didn't know what to expect. When he walked into the kitchen immediately she noticed that he looked a little better. Not that much but it was still better than he had looked before. He glanced at her confused before looking on the counter. She knew what he was looking for and she took a step back from him with her glass of water still in her hands.

The panic expression on his face made her stomach twist in pain. As if he were looking for something important he started opening cabinets and slamming them shut when he didn't find what he was looking for. Once he moved to the refrigerator she quickly walked out of the kitchen and stood there watching him worriedly. He still hadn't said a word.

"You won't find anything," Haley said quietly.

He glared at her as he slammed the refrigerator door. "What did you do with it? I need it."

"I emptied them out and threw them away," Haley explained a few seconds later. She noticed his whole body tense before he sent her a death glare.

"Why would you do that?" Nathan shouted angrily. "I need it!"

"No you don't," Haley muttered. "You don't need it, Nathan."

"Fine, I'll call Clayton to bring me some."

"Don't bother. He helped me get rid of it," Haley added.

He shook his head before storming out of the kitchen and down the hall. She stood there watching him go. Slowly she could feel her heart beating in her chest again. She was suddenly very afraid of him and what he might do. This wasn't her Nathan. This Nathan was unstable and could go over the edge any minute now. She stayed cemented into place as she heard him slamming things from his room.

What was she supposed to do now? All she had managed to do so far was to piss him off and with the way he was now that wasn't a good thing. He had fire in his eyes when he looked at her just minutes ago, like he wanted to hurt her. Nathan never looked at her that way before. It terrified everything in her. She didn't know how she was still standing at the moment. She was broke out of her thoughts when she saw him storming down the hall.

He was dressed differently, she noticed, like he was going somewhere. She glanced at him confused before quickly moving herself to stand in front of the elevator. There was just no way that she could let him leave in this condition. No way. It didn't matter what he did to her. She wasn't letting him out of her sight. His body towered over hers and she felt her heart drop. He clenched his fists at his sides. His ragged breathing had her stomach twisting.

"Get out of my way, Haley. You shouldn't be here," Nathan hissed.

"No."

"I said get out of my way," Nathan shouted angrily as he took a step closer. All she wanted to do was run away from this version of him. Everything on the inside of her was shaking but she kept her calm on the outside. She stood her ground not moving an inch. She wasn't about to let him know just how terrified she was.

"I'm not moving and you don't need it, Nathan."

"Yes, I do," Nathan mumbled miserably. "Please…just get of my way."

"No," Haley repeated as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Look at you. You're a mess."

"I can just move you, you know. I don't want to hurt you so just get out of the way. I'm leaving either way, Haley. I don't need your help."

"Fine," Haley muttered as she took a step to the side. "Leave if you want but if you do then that's it, Nathan. Jamie and I will be out of your life. I suggest you think about this before you leave. It's either the drinking or us. You can't have both."

He stood there breathing hard, glaring at the elevator doors. She watched as he took a step closer to it holding up his hand for it the button. It opened seconds later and she felt her heart aching in her chest. She thought giving him an ultimatum would work. When he didn't move she took a deep breath.

"What's it going to be, Nathan, us or drinking?"

He glared at her and she noticed the agony in his eyes. They stood like that for minutes, his eyes boring into hers. In the end he stormed off back towards his room muttering to himself the whole way. Once his bedroom door slammed shut she started breathing again. Glancing down she noticed that her hands were shaking. She stood there for minutes trying to recover before moving back to the living room. She laid herself on the sofa and covered herself up. It wasn't long before her eyes felt heavy. Everything that happened today began to take its toll on her. She gave into her tiredness and drifted off to sleep. She prayed that he wouldn't sneak off while she was asleep.

~***~

"I love you, too, baby."

She hung up the phone smiling. Jamie had been talking nonstop about how he and JJ built a fort in the living room and stayed up really late last night. Peyton had informed her that really late was at 10:30. She laughed when her sister told her that. She placed her cell phone on the coffee table before glancing at the clock. It was already noon and Nathan still hadn't come out of his room. She was worried.

He hadn't eaten a thing since she had been here unless he did while she was asleep. With that though on her mind, she made her way into the kitchen. She started making him lunch. He needed to eat something. She made him a few sandwiches just the way he liked them. She grabbed a bottle of water and a bag of chips before walking towards his room.

As she made it closer, her heart started pounding hard in her chest. Again, she didn't know what to expect. She didn't know if she could handle him yelling again or him glaring at her like he hated her. She didn't want that. She just wanted him better…for Jamie. He needed to be better for their son.

She knocked softly on the door before opening it. She noticed that he was still sleeping and she wondered if he had been sleeping the whole time he had been locked up in here. It didn't matter. He could use the rest and from the looks of it, it looked like it was doing him some good. He looked a little better. The dark circles under his eyes were almost all gone. She walked quietly into the room and placed the plate of food on the nightstand before sitting on the side of the bed. She glanced at him for a few more seconds before reaching for his arm. It took a few tries but eventually his eyes fluttered open.

He took in his surroundings before he realized where he was. It was minutes later when he sat up and leaned back against his headboard. She smiled at him.

"You look better," Haley commented softly.

He didn't say anything. Instead he reached up and ran his hands over the hair covering his face. She had to admit, he did look really different. This wasn't the Nathan she was used to seeing. Not at all. He looked rugged.

"You should eat," Haley suggested after a few minutes of awkward silence. She reached for the plate before handing it to him. She couldn't help but notice that he hadn't taken his eyes off of her the whole time. She felt self-conscious enough, she couldn't take it. She stood up and left the room quickly. Once the door was closed she placed a hand over her heart and felt it beating rapidly in her chest. Nathan was the only guy that ever did that to her. She shook her head, pushing the thought out, before going back into the kitchen.

She fixed her lunch before sitting herself at the small table in the dining room. She ate slowly hoping to pass the time. She had finished the book she brought with her this morning and she needed to go get a new one but she didn't want to leave Nathan alone. She was stuck here with nothing to do but watch TV. Nathan's DVD collection was nothing but a macho fest of action packed guy movies, nothing that would interest her. She had sat through enough with Julian to know that it just wasn't her kind of movie.

It was hours later when she finally heard his room door close. She sat nervously on the sofa as she waited to see him. When he finally emerged in the living room her heart only seemed to pick up speed.

The first thing that she noticed was that he shaved. He looked like Nathan again. He had showered. She noticed that his hair was still a little wet. He was in different clothes, a pair of blue Knicks shorts and a white t-shirt. He looked so much better as if nothing was wrong with him. But she knew that was just on the outside. On the inside was a different story and Nathan was far from being ok. She tensed up when he sat on the other end of the sofa. He reached out and lifted the letter that Deb had written him before glancing at her.

"Did you read it?" Nathan asked quietly.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "It wasn't mine to read."

He relaxed himself before resting his head back against the cushions on the sofa. They sat in silence for a long time. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't look away from him. He seemed lost in thought as he glanced out towards the TV but she knew he wasn't paying attention to it. Some sappy love movie was on and she knew he hated those. She wanted to know what he was thinking about. She wanted him to talk to her. Lucas had told her that Nathan usually always bottled everything up and let it build inside of him without ever dealing with it. She knew that wasn't good.

He needed to deal with things. How else was he supposed to move on? Talking was good. No matter what she had gone through there was always someone there for her to talk to. If it wasn't Julian or Brooke, then it was her sister or her mother. There was always someone that cared. Nobody should have to deal with things alone and she didn't want Nathan to think that he was alone. She knew that's how he felt.

"I'm sorry," Nathan whispered. "I don't know what happened."

"It's ok," Haley returned.

"It's not ok," Nathan muttered, finally looking at her. "I'm not ok. I don't know what's wrong with me. No matter what I do it's always wrong. I tried being good for you and for Jamie but it just…I wanted to be good enough but something's always bringing me back down and I just let it. My father was right. I am weak."

"No you're not," Haley rushed out. "You're not weak. Don't do that. You're strong and you've got a second chance, Nathan. Don't listen to a word your father told you because he's wrong about you. Don't let him mess you up."

"I killed him," Nathan revealed.

She glanced at him confused. "He had a heart attack. You didn't do anything to him. This isn't your fault, Nathan. Don't think for a second that it is. It happened and he's gone but that's not your fault."

She watched in agony as tears started rolling slowly down his cheeks. She felt her heartbreaking for him in a way it never had before. Her eyes started to water as she watched him. He was so broken, falling apart at the seams. She felt pain rippling through her like it never had before. All she wanted to do was fix him, put him back together for their son.

"I was so angry…so mad. By the time he got here I was so drunk I could barely see straight. Then like always he just storms into my life and starts telling me what to do. I had just finished reading the letter that my mother sent and even though I knew it was true I still needed to hear him say it. He has lied to me my whole life and I've always stood by him and believed in him…and all he ever did was push me around. Nothing was ever good enough…I was never good enough. I was always weak in his eyes…nothing was just ever good enough for him. No matter how hard I tried…it just didn't matter. He was constantly comparing us. If I won a game he would point out that he scored more points in the same game years ago. If I did anything, he always did it better."

He was so lost in his thoughts, tears still rolling freely down his cheeks. She felt her heart pulling her closer to him and she moved until she was sitting right next to him. She reached out and took his hand in hers.

"He just kept talking about basketball and it made me so angry. I lost everything that mattered to me and he was worried about a stupid game. I lost it. He just kept on and he wouldn't stop. I hit him and I couldn't stop. I was so mad at him for everything…for fucking up my life. Clay broke us up. I told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore. You want to know what's the last thing I said to him was?"

Even though she didn't answer, he still went on.

"I told him he was done controlling me. I wasn't going to let him ruin anything else in my life. All he ever did was bring me down. He brought out the worst in me. I didn't want to be that guy anymore. I wanted to be someone that was good enough for you and for Jamie."

She felt her heart pick up speed at his words.

"When he fell to the floor holding his chest…I was so scared. I held his hand and watched him die. The life was just sucked right out of him and there wasn't anything I could do. I just watched him…die. You want to know what I felt? I felt free. How horrible of a person does that make me?"

"You're not –"

"I am," Nathan nodded as he let go of her hand and stood up. "All I ever do is hurt everyone that I care about. I push everyone away and now I have nothing. Everyone always ends up leaving because of me, my mom and now my dad, Lucas, Jamie, and you…everyone." He kept his eyes down on the floor. The raw emotion in his voice only seemed to make her heart ache. He was so vulnerable. She had never seen Nathan like this before.

She stood up right in front of him. Leaning into him, she wrapped her hands around his waist and hugged him tight. She closed her eyes.

"Lucas isn't gone he just moved, and you still have your mom, Nathan. She wants a second chance to make things right with you because she loves you. Jamie isn't going anywhere. You still have him…you always will. You're his dad. They're not gone, Nathan. You have them…I'm still here."

He pulled out of their embrace. Slowly he lifted his face until his eyes locked with hers. Tears were still rolling down both their cheeks. He was still broken but there was something different about him. She didn't know what it was but something was different.

"You're not alone," Haley repeated. His forehead was resting against hers seconds later as he breathed her in. She watched him, his eyes closed as he tried to calm himself. She felt his hand take hold of hers a second later before he brought it to his mouth and kissed it softly before placing it over his heart which was beating rapidly in his chest. He held her hand there and she glanced at their hands before looking back up at him again. This time he was looking right at her and she felt something inside of her shake at his intense stare.

"I love you," Nathan whispered softly. "I'm so in love with you."

He leaned in slowly and before she realized it his lips were pressing into hers.

She gave into him. The kiss started off slowly. As their lips moved together, his hands covered her cheeks as he held her to him. He deepened the kiss seconds later, his tongue brushing against hers. The warmth of his lips and his hands felt so good. Her eyes rolled back as he kissed her deeper. She was so out of it, it barely registered to her that he was walking them towards his room.

His hands gripped her waist before he started pulling on her shirt. He broke the kiss just to pull it off before kissing her again. His hands moved back to her waist as he continued to guide her to his bedroom, never breaking the kiss. She stripped him of his shirt as soon as they were in the room. Her hands made work of his shorts as they got closer to the bed. Somehow he managed to get out of them. He pushed her onto the bed, his naked body covering hers completely as he continued to kiss her.

When air became an issue, he broke away from her lips before trailing kisses down her neck. He didn't stop until he reached her breasts. He pulled her up slightly and took off her bra before casting it to the floor. He took his time kissing her breasts, making sure that he paid equal amount of attention to both. He reached the valley of her breasts and placed open mouthed kisses there. Her hands instantly went to this thick hair holding him to her. He trailed kisses slowly down her abdomen, his eyes glued to hers. Her breathing had become uneven by then as she watched him. His lips finally left her skin and she felt the loss of them instantly.

Her want for him only seemed to grow as he gazed at her. He sat up looking at her in wonder as his hands slowly undid the buttons on her jeans. He pulled them off of her, his eyes never leaving hers. She was left in nothing but her panties. His hands reached out and stroked through the already damp material. She bit her bottom lip as she watched him. It was minutes later when he slowly pulled them down. He trailed kisses back up her abdomen before kissing her again. He kissed her slowly and for the life of her she didn't understand why he had been doing everything at that pace so far.

The first time they were together he had her up against the wall the second they were in the hotel room. He had fucked her so hard that night. Everything had been fast and rough. The second time had been different. She was so focused on getting Nick out of her mind that she didn't bother to think of what Nathan did while they had sex. She had just wanted to feel him, but even then things had gone faster than this. Not that she was complaining. This was just different. She didn't know what to make of it. She kissed him back, her hands kneading his shoulders softly. Although, it was Nathan and it felt good, it still felt different.

He broke away from her lips and smile down at her. His eyes were looking intently into hers, both their breathing still ragged. She felt his right hand slowly move down the side of her body. The ache between her legs only intensified as he rubbed her thigh. She moaned softly and he bent down and kissed her stomach. She watched as he reached into the nightstand and pulled out a condom. He sat himself up once again as he rolled it on. Her eyes stayed glued to his, her heart pounding out of her chest. She ran her fingers through her hair before licking her lips.

His body covered hers once more. She wrapped her legs around his waist before leaning up and kissing him hard. He slowed the kiss down before pulling his lips away. Her head fell back against the pillows. He leaned in slowly before placing his forehead against hers. They stayed like that for minutes just breathing each other in. Her eyes searched his intently as she tried to figure out what was so different about him. The way he touched her, the way he looked at her now, it was all different…but good different.

She was so wrapped up in his eyes that she didn't noticed when he finally placed himself at her entrance. The anticipation had been slowly building since they started kissing earlier and now it seemed to kick into overdrive. In one long deep thrust he was completely inside of her and they both cried out. His eyes never left hers and she fought to keep hers open. She felt his hands take hold of hers a second later as he placed them on either side of her. He laced their fingers together before he started moving slowly.

Even with his tortuous slow pace it still felt unbelievable. Her moans were soft and every few minutes he'd kiss her tenderly before going back to just watching her. She had never felt anything like this before. All she wanted was more but he never picked up his pace and she found herself meeting his slow thrusts.

"It's never felt like this before," Nathan said in a husky voice. It sent shivers up her spine and her heart only seemed to beat faster than it already was. "I've never made love before."

She could feel everything pulling in her stomach. Everything was building up in there. He never looked at her before the way he was looking at her now. She felt everything tightening inside of her. Her whole body felt alive and like it was on fire. Nathan's touches always made her feel like she was on fire. His hands squeezed hers softly before he leaned down and kissed her tenderly.

"Nathan," she moaned.

He pulled away from her lips and went back to watching her. "Yeah?"

"I love you," she told him breathlessly as she felt her body explode in pleasure. It was like nothing she had ever felt before and she whispered his name over and over as he watched her. He moved his body slightly and stilled his movements, her body still shuttering underneath his. All of a sudden she felt another explosion going off as her second orgasm hit and she was still feeling aftershocks of the first one. She watched as he let go along with her, his body jerking into hers, as she watched him. Everything felt so alive and perfect in that moment. His body collapsed on to hers as he buried his face in her neck. She tried her best to calm her breathing but it wasn't working out so well.

He started placing the softest kisses on her neck and then her face. Once he reached her lips she kissed him back hungrily, her hands moving through his thick hair holding him to her. She couldn't help but notice how different she felt. If someone had told her hours ago that this would have happened she would have laughed. But being in his arms right now, she realized, was the only place she wanted to be. She did love him. She had always loved him from the second they met. He had just gotten finished making love to her and she never felt so completely whole in her life before. She didn't know what would happen but she knew that she didn't want to leave this moment. She wanted to stay like this forever.