~25~

Never Anything So Easy

It was the height of summer.

Hot days led into balmy nights and we'd stay in the garden until it got dark, far later than we believed it to be. We held parties, we had barbeques. The entire country seemed charged with a heat that brought with it a certain kind of atmosphere, of breaks from work and school and holidays away from home. Keigo and I didn't plan to go anywhere, but there wasn't really anywhere that we wanted to go, either. If there was anywhere he'd wanted to go then I would have taken him there without question, of course. Instead, we had an outdoor swimming pool installed, something that became rather popular at our garden parties.

Humans have a horrible knack of sabotaging their own lives. Such is the world as will, the driving force that keeps us going. If we were to be complacent then we might stop and if we stop, then what's the point in living? For the man who has everything, nothing is desirable. What is a world where nothing is desirable?

One of Keigo's cats, Mookie, fell ill when the hot weather struck. We didn't know what was wrong with her and so we took her to Jinguuji's surgery, where he prescribed some kind of medicine for her. Sure enough, her condition improved after a week or so and the worry lifted from Keigo's brow. We asked Jinguuji if he'd like to come over for one of the garden parties or a barbeque, or if he'd like to stay for any length of time... it turned out that Nishimura was flying to America to promote his latest overseas release, he'd be gone for a week. Having nothing else to do and having trained some competent employees at the surgery, Akihiro felt this a good excuse to take a small holiday. He hadn't been planning on going anywhere otherwise, but with Nishimura travelling to America for this or that, even if it was for work-related reasons, it still seemed a little unfair if he got to go somewhere interesting like that while Jinguuji stayed at home. So, for that week, he came to stay with us.

As time had passed, Jinguuji had made his visits more frequent but this was the first time he'd stayed with us for longer than overnight. However, even in those short visits previous, I'd noticed the energy he always seemed to bring to our house. His friendly unpredictability, his outgoing nature, his carefree and cheerful outlook on life... every time he visited, I felt happy for it. As if being in close proximity to that level of happiness somehow brightened Keigo and myself, too. He never seemed to get bored and he never seemed to stop smiling. I'd look at him now and think of how he was back at school and think of how he'd changed and how much for the better that was.

Had Keigo and I changed so much? Did Jinguuji look at us in private and think the same thing, or were we the same as we ever were? Well, if I was anything near the same as I'd been at Seirei then I found it unlikely that Jinguuji would even tolerate me, let alone like me. The friendship seemed such a strange thing when viewed through the filter of the past, but we had changed and we'd hopefully matured somewhat, so that now somebody like Akihiro was tamer and somebody like me could indeed be friends with him, after all of this time.

We told him to bring Nishimura over at some point, we thought it'd be interesting to see him. Akihiro said that he'd suggest it, but wasn't sure if he'd agree. He didn't say it in so many words, but basically he was concerned as to how Nishimura would react when in my presence and I didn't blame Jinguuji for this concern at all. I was lucky to be friendly with Jinguuji after everything but you couldn't hope for the same result in every case and likely, if asked about it, Nishimura would still harbour some kind of resentment. I didn't know what kind of person he was now. Jinguuji had changed so much and in every aspect for the better, but perhaps Nishimura was the same as he always was. Who could say. He was so busy these days with his music career anyway, it was a surprise that even Jinguuji got to see him for any length of time... instead, we listened to his music. I hadn't liked it back at Seirei, but he's come a long way since those days and I quite like his music, now.

When we were children, didn't summer seem to last forever? The promise of the summer days seemed to be of a time that would last forever, school some featureless obstacle that would never reach us. It was easy to believe in 'forever', then.

I let Keigo check my email for me. I asked him every day if there was anything interesting contained within my inbox. There never was.

We seemed to develop some skill at the barbeque, as time went on. Hardly the most healthy of foods but we worked off what we could in the swimming pool afterward. Akihiro had told us of the summer he'd been to America, he'd had so many barbeques then, and with such different food, too. I smiled and told him that that'd been where I'd got the initial idea from, with my own foreign visits. I still had some chocolate left over from my recent visit to Sweden, so the three of us ate those as we watched the stars emerge. Akihiro told us of when he'd been a child growing up in Hokkaido; I didn't know if Keigo knew of this, but I hadn't. I was quite surprised, though it seemed that he'd moved when he was very young, young enough to have moved in time to be at Seirei Primary alongside our contemporaries. He spoke wistfully of the wide open spaces and the way the sky had seemed endless, the stars that shined without being fettered by streetlights and city movement. This estate was on the edge of the city, but you could still hear it when you were outside, filling up the silence. I said that we were lucky to see the stars here, since in some of the deeper city suburbs, sometimes you might never see a true darkness. Keigo wondered what a starless night in Hokkaido was like. Akihiro said that the three of us should go on holiday there sometime, if we wanted to get away from it all. He still had relatives over there, apparently.

Akihiro was the one who noticed it first, that I was calling him 'Akihiro' rather than 'Jinguuji'. It wasn't until he pointed it out that I realised I'd been tossing the two terms around in my mind for a while, that I must have spoken without realising. It had been quite some time ago that he'd said I could refer to him as 'Akihiro', but I'd never been able to get used to it, not back then at least. It seemed that I had now, though perhaps with time spent in the presence of both he and Keigo, it was inevitable that I would pick up Keigo's habits. And yet it didn't quite feel like that; it felt... natural, somehow. I liked the feeling.

We sat in the garden, the radio in the kitchen carrying through to where we sat. One of Nishimura's songs came on, we listened to it in silence as we had the song before and would the song after. Keigo was asleep in his chair and Akihiro sat with his eyes closed, but he wasn't asleep. The soft, wistful expression he held as he listened to Nishimura's voice made my heart ache, somehow. I didn't know what that meant.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that I didn't deserve people such as Keigo or Akihiro in my life. As we sat under the heat of the fading day, I wondered if this was really what 'happiness' felt like. If this kind of supreme contentment was what it felt like to really be happy. Thought about how, if that were so, I hadn't needed Takumu to be happy after all and wondered, if I could go back in time and tell my younger self that, if he'd listen to me at all. Likely not.

I remembered that sunny day during which I'd felt such a private happiness, something I couldn't remember now. Just as all I remembered of Takumu was a memory of having felt pain rather than the pain itself, so too was the happiness of that time. The memories I'd wished to keep. I kept them, but not how I'd wanted to, back then. This was happiness now, though. Was this happiness like that happiness? That had been such an overtaking and carefree kind of joy. This was more sedate, more mellow. I could remember pain, but this right now, this wasn't pain. I wasn't hurting. I was with people I valued and it was quiet and comfortable and somehow, everything in my life had brought me to this point where I could say that I was happy. I wondered if Takumu was happy right now. I realised I didn't care.

Instead I wondered if it might be a good time to die, during such a period of contentment. Such thoughts always seemed to haunt me; even from my teenage years, if I'd thought of death it was never because I wanted to die as per se, only because I'd wanted my situation to change and hadn't known how to do it (though I seemed to have ended up fine despite all of that). Yet when I was happy, I considered such things too. Not because I was unhappy nor because I wanted to die, but because the thought of dying in such happiness felt so desirable compared to any opposite. Might I ever feel happiness like this again? I would never kill myself, but that happiness made me wonder if I should.

I smiled as I gazed out towards the city. We really were all broken, weren't we? Even in the midst of an atmosphere so comfortable I could cry for the happiness I felt, I was thinking of what it would be like to die, to end here, to end happily. What a twisted thought, surely? And yet, the kind I'd always entertain, in these quiet moments. I'd never tell even Keigo of what I thought, it was my private thought alone... and of course, if I were to tell him, it would only worry him. It wasn't worth it over a theoretical.

It was the evening of the last day Akihiro spent with us of that week.

It was an evening in the height of summer.

It was the evening in the height of summer when I told Akihiro that I loved him.

I don't even know why I did it.

We stood in the kitchen. Keigo was elsewhere, but Akihiro had gone to the kitchen to make coffee and I'd followed him. He was leaving in the morning and the thought of him leaving brought a heaviness harder than I would ever have expected, like I should stop him from leaving if it takes everything I have and I didn't know why I was feeling like that and it scared me, somewhat. I loved Keigo, I knew this, Keigo who was so loyal and steadfast and determined, in his own way... but hadn't I thought it before, wondered why I loved him? If it was truly simply circumstance, that he'd been around for so long I'd got 'used' to him, that he'd helped me in my darkest moments and I'd kept him close for the comfort that he brought? When I wondered if I loved him, when I wondered if that feeling was 'enough'... and this feeling, whatever it was... this feeling for Akihiro, it was different. I'd always found him an impressive individual, right from our time at Seirei Gakuen. Somebody with such a sturdy will and with such strength of character, someone even I hadn't been able to break... I'd thought him impressive then and as we met for the second time, I still found him so even now. Now he was impressive in his confidence, that character changed but so wonderfully, that light-hearted attitude that seemed to carry him through life...

I wondered if I'd 'settled' for Keigo. If I'd accepted him because I'd believed, as he'd said, that if it hadn't been for him, then there'd be nobody else. And after Takumu, I hadn't wanted anybody else. I hadn't wanted Keigo, but I'd needed him, somewhat. After Takumu, I didn't know what I felt, if I felt. And now I saw Akihiro, and I thought that I wanted him. I wanted him in my life, I wanted him here more often and I wanted him as more than a friend. I wanted to always be able to see his smile, I wanted to cause that smile, I wanted to cause that wistful expression when he was reminded of me. I wanted him. I wanted, I really did. And it was childish and it was wrong but I'd long since thought I'd stopped feeling enough to have any feelings I wanted to regulate and when the thought occurred that he'd be leaving soon, back to Nishimura, it was on some kind of panic reflex that I reacted.

I wanted him. His smile. His attitude. His way of being. I wanted a gentle and attentive lover, as he'd been that one time so long ago. And Keigo was, I would never have said that Keigo wasn't, but Keigo wasn't Akihiro. And Akihiro wasn't Takumu, but the two of them had something in common; they impressed me. I admired them. Wasn't that how Keigo had come to be attracted to me in the first place, because I'd been his impressive senpai? Akihiro was a year older than we were. Technically, didn't that make him also an impressive senpai?

Did I want him more than Keigo? Was I willing to risk Keigo in order to have him? Was it likely he'd reciprocate? My mind didn't give these considerations more than a moment's thought before I told him. I only knew that I had to tell him and I had to tell him now, while we were alone, while Keigo wasn't around to hear.

And so I told him.

He stared at me and I stared back in return. Looked into his eyes. Didn't regret my words. He came forth and pulled me into a tight embrace and I wondered what that meant

the significance of a touch

and I felt a little frightened, but I knew that Akihiro wasn't somebody to be frightened of

because he thrilled me

and I clasped my hands around his shoulders and held him like I didn't want to let go, because I didn't. And he kissed my forehead and leant his head on my shoulder, his lips then so close to my ear and his breath a tickle against my skin and he whispered, a whisper I yearnt for so terribly all of a sudden made all the more painful for his words

"... I think... we should both forget that you ever said anything... right... Yoshikuni?"

I couldn't say anything. He pulled away, his hands still on my shoulders. I looked at him and then realised that I was embarrassed, and so looked away.

"You've got Keigo to consider."

"... And you've got Nishimura." The way I spoke, it was almost like a challenge. I've got Keigo, you've got Nishimura, but what does that matter? I looked at him and saw a faint echo of surprise on his expression. I felt the vague frown of a glare answer him and then I too fell into confusion. I hadn't felt like that for so long... that kind of sexual challenge, that kind of confrontation, taking what I wanted because I could and not caring of the consequences. It reminded me of how I used to be and it scared me and I think it scared Akihiro too, but he realised it scared me and cupped my cheek briefly instead. He acted as if I hadn't said anything, which was perhaps for the best.

"... You've got Keigo to consider, Yoshikuni. And it always pissed me off that he chose you, because for so long I hated you. Took me a long time before I could get used to the idea of even tolerating you, let alone liking you... but because Keigo liked you so much, I made the effort. And it paid off because I do like you now, genuinely, and I won't let you spoil that. But... Keigo--... he's my dearest friend, and if you ever do anything to hurt him as much as you're suggesting, then I'll never ever be able to forgive you, not ever."

He dropped his hands from my shoulders with a sigh.

"... But he's hurt so much in the past, I wonder if it's even possible for you to hurt him anymore..."

He had such a truth in his eyes that I didn't understand, "... What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on, Yoshikuni. You took an innocent boy who had innocent feelings for you and turned him into your personal slave, just because you could! Not even because you felt anything for him, but because he was there and you could take advantage of him, as you took advantage of everybody who wasn't that fucking Kirihara. Because of him, it was okay to hurt Keigo so much? It wasn't okay to hurt anybody so much, but you hurt everybody, Yoshikuni. Because if you couldn't be happy then damn if anybody else was going to be happy, right? So Keigo threw himself into his role as your slave, because you put up with it, because you encouraged it, because you never told him to stop being so fucking pathetic and grow a spine and just tell you how he felt like I was always telling him to, but he would never have listened to it because I wasn't you and you were the only important one, and how do you think that made me feel, my best friend in such a stupid hopeless situation acting to the perverted whims of some psychopathic social climber?" He pressed his thumb and forefinger to his temples, sighing heavily. "Jesus. You turned him into something I couldn't understand anymore. He'd be happy when you hurt him because you were the one who was hurting. What kind of fucked-up reasoning is that? Between Keigo and Shin I seemed to be surrounded by these people who got off on being hurt and it freaked me the fuck out, you know? I couldn't stand what Keigo was becoming and I couldn't stop him. And you wouldn't stop him, because you never even fucking noticed."

I was at a loss for words.

"... If someone doesn't notice then how are they ever supposed to do anything..."

"I know, I know. It's like, it's everybody's fault and nobody's fault all at the same time, I shouldn't be taking this out on you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... it's bothered me right since we were in school together but then he told me he'd got with you all of a sudden and that he was really happy and it was like... well, maybe this is how it should be, since you were the person he always wanted, isn't it best he gets what he wanted after all this time? So that was when I really decided I had to be happy for him and for you and for you guys getting together, and figured that if I'd changed since we were at school then there was no reason why you couldn't have changed too, and I let Keigo talk about you and I came to visit you and I really believed you had changed, Yoshikuni. You'd become the kind of guy who was maybe worthy of my Keigo and maybe it'd all be okay after all. And then you come out with something like this and it makes me wonder, that's all."

I leant against the kitchen counter and smiled up at Akihiro, despite myself.

"... Have I managed to spoil everything with my own two hands once again?"

"... If we keep this between us, then Keigo won't know. I won't tell him, in any case. We've put a lot behind us to get this far, Yoshikuni... it'd be a shame to let that all go."

He had such a straightforward and mature style that I felt quite humbled by his presence. I could only agree with him, "... Indeed."

We made the coffee and went through to the living room, where Keigo was watching television. We spent the rest of the evening acting as if nothing had happened and I was almost able to forget what I'd said, apart from after Akihiro had gone to bed, when Keigo went up to bed before me. I followed after him and went to the bedroom door to find it locked; I felt a horrible fear seize my heart and it took me a long time before I could settle to sleep in one of the other guest bedrooms. Despite this, Keigo didn't mention anything come the morning; we waved Akihiro off as he left and went back to as things were, the emptiness the house possessed for being devoid of Akihiro giving enough change to help us both adjust.

We were all used to forgetting things, or at least to putting the unpleasant things behind us; Akihiro visited a few more times over the course of the summer, one time even managing to bring Shin with him too. He too had become quite handsome in his advancing years and I was taken aback by this and I wondered if my feelings were truly so fickle. It took a while for Shin to warm up to my company but once he did, he came across as an earnest man and I enjoyed his company, but I couldn't shake a vague sense of jealousy at the back of my mind for that which existed between he and Akihiro.