The basis of this chapter is Goblet of Fire. I do not own said book.

"So, what have you got planned?" Hermione was curious after the week of Harry skirting around her questions. It was their first big date, after all, not like the awkward half-dates they'd had before or the Yule Ball. It was a Hogsmeade weekend, of course, but it was an extended one, with students only needing to be back by ten.

"Well, I was thinking we could start off with a dose of Polyjuice or Metamorph Potion to avoid the stalkers and reporters during the Hogsmeade weekend," Harry began. "Then go meet up with Sirius in whichever US city he's sent me a portkey to for a nice, normal date. You know, dinner at a somewhat fancy restaurant, flowers, chocolate, maybe ice skating, and we're both back here by ten."

"That sounds wonderful."

"Hey, pup. Having a good date?" Sirius snickered at the pair's blushing. "Welcome to the wonderful city of Chicago, Illinois. I am here as your guide to the wonderful world of deep-dish pizza."

"Deep-dish pizza?"

"You'll like it, I promise." Some time later, after several slices of pizza and some chatting at an ice rink (followed by laughing at Sirius' attempt at skating), Hermione noticed the time. "You two need to go back. I'll see you at the end of the year. Harry, don't piss off Dan Granger. Hermione, feel justified in neutering my godson if he acts like an idiot."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Bye, Sirius!"

"Hello, Harry."

"Hello, Mr. Granger."

"Now, can you guess what this is about?"

"I think so."

"Well, I'm going to tell you this anyways: Hermione is my little princess, always has been, always will be, and if you hurt her I'll-"

"Castrate me?"

"No, just give you a large amount of dental work without anesthetic or painkillers. Where did you get that idea from?"

"My godfather."

"Hmm. I knew I liked that man."

"So, are you sure about this?" Emily looked nervous.

"Yes, why?" Fred was unconcerned.

"You do realize my uncles are probably going to be home, right?"

"Good, I wanted to ask Lawrence about pranks." Emily snickered and rolled her eyes.

"On your own head be it. Just please don't screw this up, okay?"

"Yes, Em. I know."

"Ah, so you must be the Fred that my dearest niece keeps talking about," Lawrence looked little like either of his brothers but had rather stolen elements from both of them. He had Phil's slim build and dark hair but Theo's height and mannerisms.

"Yes, sir," Fred replied.

"You must understand that Emily and I are very, very close. She is so much like a younger Magda that it's uncanny."

"Magda, sir?"

"Magda was my wife. We met when we were nineteen-year-old fools. Theo and I had had a… falling out, our father had died, our mother was in the hospital, and Phil was off at college. For a long time, Magda was the light of my life. She died four years ago. Nasty accident."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't be. She won't stop being dead. Now, what I was going to say is that Emily is like Magda in many ways, which rather endears her to me. The largest difference, besides hair color, is that Magda was screwed over by a man long before I met her. If you try to hurt Emily… well, the police probably wouldn't be able to identify your body if they ever found it. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good boy. Now, Emily said you wanted to talk to me about pranks…"

"Ah, young Mister Weasley. I require a word."

"You too, Theo?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Lawrence, Loki, whatever he goes by, has already given me the shovel talk."

"Shovel talk? I merely wanted to inform you on the beauty of lightning. It truly is a wondrous thing, wrath from the heavens brought down to Earth in a single second. Now, if Emily comes off worse for wear because of you, you would need to watch over your shoulder."

"For you?"

"Me? Oh no. You would just be watching, waiting for the thunderbolt that would end your pathetic life. Then again, if we happened to cross paths, a simple blow of Mjolnir would suffice."

"I understand, sir."

"Is this the shovel talk again?"

"Of a sort. I assume my brothers have already impressed upon you why you shouldn't harm Emily?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm here to add my end. See, son, I work for Caterpillar. Caterpillar makes construction equipment. If you dare to hurt here and come back here, well, you'll soon understand just how heavy heavy machinery is."

"Wouldn't that be vehicular homicide?"

"Maybe. If I didn't have a truck handy, I could always beat the daylights out of you. I was the Illinois Lightweight Boxing Champion four years running. Let that inform you of the consequences."

"Fred? Have you gotten the shovel talk yet?"

"Three times."

"Good. You know the action and some of the consequences. I would just like to put it out there that I have a black belt in three separate martial arts."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Also, the Carters are coming over. Be prepared for another couple of discussions."

"Pietro, Wanda, what do you want?"

"Has Daddy told you what will happen if you hurt Emily?"

"Yes."

"Did he tell you that I would rip you apart into bitty pieces and sprinkle them over the garden as fertilizer?"

"No."

"Well, I will rip you apart into itty bitty pieces and use them as fertilizer, though Pietro is advocating for running out onto the Illinois River at night and dropping you in the middle. He can run on water, you know."

"Thank you for the warning."

"You're welcome."

"Now, Fred, I'm sure you know what this is about by now."

"Yes, Ms. Carter: if I hurt Emily then I will not survive the aftermath."

"Good. Now, I'm sure you've got a list threats by now, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Add me and Daniel shooting you with every semiautomatic we own to the list."

"Yes, ma'am. Does this mean I'm not going to get a talk from Daniel?"

"We agreed I could do the talking."

"Thank you."

"Great. Another one?"

"If you hurt Emily, we'll-"

"Shoot me? Beat me up? Smite me? Run me over? Rip me into little pieces? Drown me?"

"No, we'll show you the power of explosives."

"Fun."

"Fred? Have you heard the threats yet?"

"Most of them. Are you going to add to the list, Skye?"

"Oh, I wouldn't kill you; I'd hack the internet and make your life a living hell."

"Good to know."

"Oh, Jane and Betty asked for me to tell you that unless you want to know what nightshade poisoning feels like , don't hurt Emily."

"Thank you, Skye."

"Just felt the need to pass the message on."

"Hey, Alfred. Is this another shovel talk?"

"Have the others given you more than enough reasons to never hurt my sister intentionally?"

"Yes."

"Then I just want you to know that you two work well together. Before I get any little nieces or nephews, I expect to see a ring on my sister's finger. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Good. You've survived that so you're pretty much golden. Welcome to the family; please avoid the nuts and howler monkeys that have fallen out of the tree."

Welcome back! The usual policies are in order, of course. So, without further ado:

Chicago deep-dish pizza is an American classic.

And the shovel talk trope. Because why not.

This chapter is also a timeskip to when the third task is announced.

See you next week! Review!