Disclaimer: You know the goddamn drill.
~Fic Start!~
*Ryoko and Light walk into the apartment complex across the street from where Kuja and Sephiroth live and knock on Mateus and Golbez's door*
Golbez: "Hmm? I wasn't aware we were having more company."
Ryoko: "I need to talk to Mateus."
Golbez: "Oh? Is something wrong?"
Ryoko: "It's about Kuja."
Golbez: "For Cosmos' sake..." *lets them in*
Light: "We are sorry to come unannounced."
Ryoko: "Yeah. Things aren't exactly..."
Light: "They're not working."
Golbez: "What's wrong, dears? Sit down, you can tell me everything."
Ryoko: *sits down* "I think it's all building up."
Light: "And we're unsure of how to handle it."
Golbez: "It's not a fight between the two of you, is it?"
Light: "Hardly!"
Ryoko: "No, not at all. Light and I are doing wonderfully."
Golbez: "Then what is it?"
Ryoko: "I'm a summoner, and as you can probably imagine, that comes with a lot of responsibility. I've been charged with the summons of this world to return Bahamut to his home on the moon so he can resume his duties. The problem is, he won't go back unless I settle a debt with him."
Golbez: "You owe a debt to the Lord of all Creation?"
Ryoko: "He saved my life when I was in Lionel, looking for my brother. He said he liked me for my honesty. Bahamut gave me the opportunity to fulfill my debt to him if I just do one thing."
Golebz: "What does he want?"
Light: "Ryoko would rather not do it, but he wants her to wear the girliest, fluffiest, most beautiful gown in all of Ivalice."
Ryoko: *looks angry, blushes, and turns away*
Golbez: "You'd like Mateus to design this dress for you?"
Light: "If he wouldn't mind."
Golbez: "I don't think that's going to be an issue, my old friend. Under one condition."
Ryoko: "Oh no..."
Golbez: "Light, may I speak with you a moment? Man-to-man."
Ryoko: "Humph!" *gets up and starts going down the hallway*
Golbez: *makes sure she's not within earshot* "...listen. If you want Mateus to make that dress, you're going to have to do something incredibly... special."
Light: "Special, as in, gay?"
Golbez: -_-
Light: "What?"
Golbez: "No, this is going to have to be as straight as an arrow, which is perfect for you. If you want that dress, Mateus has always wanted to design a dress for her wedding. Propose to her, Light."
Light: "So you're saying that Mateus likes Ryoko?"
Golbez: "I don't think it's a romantic attraction at all. I think he just likes her form and would love to design a dress for her to wear."
Light: "That's... odd."
Golbez: *shrug* "Mateus is odd, but underneath his oddity, he's a wonderful person."
Light: "Hmm."
*BUT, JUST DOWN THE HALL*
Mateus: "Now, Miss Dancer, I need you to be still."
Aria: "Excuse me, I have a name."
Mateus: "Yes, you do. But I'd rather keep this formal."
Aria: "You know what? Maybe we SHOULD go see Kuja about this."
Firion: "No. I am not wearing anything he designs."
Lynn: "Aria, we'll both go!"
*Ryoko accidentally trips and falls in the door, face first, flat onto the floor*
Aria: "Okay, that was incredibly weird."
Mateus: "I didn't expect something this random."
Lynn: "Knowing this fic? You should have."
Mateus: "Point taken." *kneels down to check on Ryoko* "Are you all right, dearie?"
Ryoko: *looks up* "I'm fine, Mateus. Thanks for asking." *gets up and brushes herself off* "Oh, Cosmos, I think the plot just tripped me!"
Mateus: "Would it do that?"
Aria & Lynn: "YES."
Mateus: "Fair enough. What brings you here, Ryoko?"
Ryoko: "I came to ask you for your help."
Mateus: "With what?"
Ryoko: "Well..." *turns to the camera* "Roll footage!"
*The screen plays all of the footage from the time that Sylph asks for Ryoko's assistance til Kuja and Sephiroth piss her off to the point of making her leave their apartment*
Aria: *gasp*
Ryoko: "That's why I need your help, Mateus."
Mateus: "Well, this one doesn't want to..."
Aria: *raises her hand to stop all the conversation* "I didn't think it was you, Ryoko."
Ryoko: "Huh? What?"
Aria: "YOU KILLED MY CHOCOBO FAMILY!"
Lynn: "What?! It was Ryoko?!"
Ryoko: "But those Chocobos, they were gonna kill me and Light! They KO'd him and I-"
Aria: *walks up to her* "You were my best friend."
Ryoko: "Aria!"
Aria: "Those chocobos saved my life before I even was recruited by Lord Ramza, during my country wide journey! I'll... I'll avenge them!"
Lynn: *facepalm* "This is not the place to battle."
Aria: *draws her weapons* "Defend yourself, Ryoko!"
Ryoko: "Aria. Listen to me."
Aria: "DEFEND YOURSELF!"
Ryoko: *looks down at the floor* "You really gonna kill me? Go ahead."
Aria: "I will not kill anyone unarmed!"
Firion: *pulls Aria back* "Baby, stop it."
Aria: "Lemme go!"
Firion: "NO! You saw the footage, it wasn't her fault. They really were out for the kill! And, babe, it was a scripted battle. We all have them. You know what happens with scripted battles. The gods themselves control those circumstances."
Mateus: "I do not think violence will settle your differences. Ryoko will not fight you. She refuses to take up her weapons." *puts a hand on Ryoko's shoulder* "I have been meaning to talk to you as well. I believe we can both help each other."
Ryoko: *sighs* "Go on, dear Emperor. I'm... listening."
Mateus: "You want a dress from me? Under one condition. I like making dresses for romantic occassions."
Ryoko: "Romantic? Ew."
Mateus: "HAHA. I want you to get your dearly beloved to propose to you. I will make your dress for your wedding, so you can have it before Lord Bahamut himself."
Ryoko: *blink blink* Mateus: "Well?"
Firion: "Speaking of Light, where is he?"
Ryoko: "I was coming down the hall by myself because Golbez wanted to speak to him man-to-man."
Lynn: O_o;
Mateus: "Or... if I could get another request of you, if you'd rather."
Ryoko: "The other request."
Aria: "don't say that."
Lynn: "Uh oh."
Mateus: "Are you sure you want the other request?"
Ryoko: "If it doesn't involve being romantic, then FUCK YES."
Mateus: "Fine. Everyone else, get out of my workspace."
Firion: "Mateus, don't you even think-"
Mateus: "I won't do anything to her. She's not quite my type."
Aria: "She can be quite manly at times."
Lynn: *snicker*
Firion: "I can't believe you said that..."
*Aria, Lynn, and Firion walk out. Mateus closes the door and walks around Ryoko with a giddy smile on his face.*
Mateus: "I will design your dress for you. Hm. I can't believe you agreed to being in here alone with me."
Ryoko: "Because I know you weren't going to hurt me the first time we met."
Mateus: "You did?"
Ryoko: "You wanted to take me to Chaos. You didn't want me to be hurt. But... Light came in and saved the day. If things had been different, I would have been at your side. I..."
Mateus: "If I had you, I don't think Ultimecia or Cloud of Darkness would have been able to subject me to such torture."
Ryoko: "Mateus..."
Mateus: "Ryoko, my second request is..."
Ryoko: "Why can't you say it?"
Mateus: "Oh forget it. I'll make your dress for you! Let me measure you and send you on your way."
Ryoko: "Why can't you look me in the eye, Mateus?!"
Mateus: "I would ask you for more than you could give me. I will not get between you and your beloved. If I had my way... you'd stay with me and Golbez. But the world will fall apart if Lord Bahamut stays where he is forever. I will help do my part to ensure the world stays safe." Ryoko: "I'll give you one thing, Mateus." *walks up to him and wraps her arms around his neck* "In an alternate universe somewhere, we are inseperable. It's not here, and it's not us, but in one plane of existence, it's you and me, Emperor." *kisses his cheek* "And I'm sorry for what you've gone through." *lets go and stands up straight* "Here. Get my measurements, will you?"
Mateus: "Gladly!"
*BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM*
Golbez: "That's why..."
Firion: "Can we finally eat that lunch from earlier?"
Aria: "Yeah."
Lynn: "Hey, there, Light."
Light: *waves* "Where's Ryoko?"
Lynn: "Mateus needed to talk to her. Cutting a deal for the dress."
Light: "You mean, he knows about the dress?"
Aria: "We ALL do." *glares at him* "You both killed my chocobos!"
Light: "Whoa, those were yours? A thousand pardons, Aria!"
Firion: "Let it go, babe, I told you it's not their fault. Scripted battles are beyond our ability to control."
Light: "Maybe then I don't have to, Golbez?"
Golbez: "I might have been wrong. Perhaps he'll do it just for the fun of it."
Light: "Haha."
Aria: "Do what?"
Golbez: "I told him that if he wanted Mateus to make that dress for her, he would have to propose. Mateus did say something about wanting to make her a wedding dress, did he not?"
Lynn: "You heard that?"
Golbez: "Your voices carry."
Firion: "Hey why are there cookies all over the floor in the hallway?"
Golbez: !
Aria: "Uh huh... yeah right. Voice carry, my foot."
Firion: *picks one up* "Are these chocolate chip? YUM!" *bites one* "EWW, it's RAISINS! Gahh! I hated it when Maria used to pull pranks on me like this! Gross!"
Lynn: LOL Firion: "And now I got a long silver hair stuck between my teeth. Ugh."
Lynn: "Yeah, that's what Kuja said."
Aria: *can't hold her serious face anymore* "OH MY GOD..." *laughs for an entire 10 minutes before everyone stares at her with a very weird, freaked out expression*
*Ryoko and Mateus come into the living room*
Ryoko: "And so I said 'the fuck is that? a THONG? That looks more like a Marlboro attached to your crotch!'"
Mateus: "...I can't believe you actually said that!"
Light: "So?"
Ryoko: "Mateus is going to work on the dress while we go check on the Lord of all Creation."
Firion: "Awesome."
Aria: "No. no. Before we go... we need to resolve our issues."
Lynn: "Didn't Firion say-"
Aria: "SHUT UP, LYNN!"
Lynn: ;~;
Golbez: "I won't allow killing in the house. No matter what the circumstances or provocation, nothing seems to warrant bloodshed under my roof."
Mateus: "Thank you, Sexy Shoulders."
Golbez: "Anytime, my Emperor."
Mateus: *shudders* "Oooh, I love it when you call me that."
Aria: "Okay, you two, get a room."
Golbez: "We have an apartment."
Mateus: "And you're in it."
Golbez: "Logically, we could have sex right here."
Mateus: "We should! We should! Everyone start humping something!"
Light: "...um..."
Ryoko: "Yeah, let's go check on Lord Bahamut."
*Aria, Firion, Lynn, Ryoko, and Light walk out. Mateus and Golbez start getting into it. I mean INTO IT.*
*AND THEN, SOMEWHERE ELSE*
Squall: "Checkmate."
Alis: "That's 35 times in a row! How do you always beat me!?"
Squall: "I'm not sure. I've never met anyone this bad at Chess."
Onion: *walking down the hall* "Lynn... I wish I wasn't so cowardly..."
Alis: "Did you hear that?!"
Squall: "He just said Lynn."
Alis: "So that's who he's got the crush on, hmm?"
*suddenly, the four ninjas poof in*
Ninja 1: "Hey mah niggas, yo' called fur us, dawg?"
Squall: "Okay, obviously he's not the same guy."
Ninja 1: *coughs* "Sorry, I was told to try to keep up the act best I could."
Ninja 4: "Snarf!"
Ninja 3: "YEAH WE GOT YOUR LEAF. WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM US?!"
Ninja 2: "We came at your request."
Alis: "You guys seem different. I wonder if we got the wrong crack ninja team?"
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf!" *hands her a letter*
Alis: "To whom it may concern: We have all gone home. Our friend Shadow came to our aid, finally. Please work with the new ninja group we have left in our place. Snarf is in charge. Your friends, the crack ninja squad. PS: FUCK YA'LL NIGGAS WE GOIN' HOME BITCHESSS"
Squall: "Snarf is in charge?!"
Ninja 2: "Yes, he has senior rank among us."
Squall: "Can't argue with that logic."
Ninja 3: "SO WHAT DID YOU WANT US FOR?!"
Alis: "Well, you're too late. We kinda overheard what we needed to know earlier all ready without you."
Ninja 1: "Change of management, you must forgive us."
Alis: "Eh, that's fair. No hard feelings, guys."
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf!" *hands her a piece of paper*
Alis: "New rates and fees for all kinds of services..."
Squall: O_o;;
Alis: "You guys do assassinations, too?!"
Ninja 3: "YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!"
Squall: "Hmmm. I'll keep that in mind."
Alis: "Yeah, really." *blinks a few times* "Hey! Do you think you can make it a cutscene killing, so they can never be revived via Phoenix Down or something like that?"
Ninja 1: "We did it with Aeris."
Ninja 2: "Yeah, THAT Sephiroth was just a hologram!"
Ninja 1: "The real Sephiroth was actually in Mideel."
Ninja 2: "He was on vacation during the footage of that whole game."
Ninja 3: "And the prick still gets all the credit, but that's what we're here for."
Ninja 2: "No one even knows we exist."
Ninja 1: "Except these guys."
Ninja 2: "But they'd never tell anyone."
Ninja 3: "No, they wouldn't..."
Ninja 4: "SNARF, SNARF!"
*the other ninjas stand up straight and shut up quickly*
Ninja 4: "Snarf..."
Alis: "You go, Snarf! Okay, so here's what I want you to do. Kill Sephiroth."
Squall: "What?!"
Alis: "All he's done, he deserves it!"
Squall: "...but, to go this far?"
Alis: "You have to make him die in a way that he can't be revived."
Ninja 3: "This can be done, but the price will be steep."
Alis: "Yeah, I see that. 3.5 Gigazabillion Gil."
Squall: "GIGAZABILLION?!"
Alis: "Yeah, look."
*Squall looks and sees that it's 3,500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Gil, plus taxes*
Squall: "The fuck is wrong with our economy?! The inflation on that is re-fucking-donkulous! I say we all vote for a new king, that shit's getting out of hand!"
Alis: "I'm more worried about how I'm gonna pay for that."
Squall: "Nobody has that kind of money."
Alis: "Especially with this show's budget."
Squall: "Yeah, no shit."
Alis: "How about we trade you this airship?"
Squall: "WHAT?! We just bought this thing!"
Alis: "Yeah but killing Sephy off would be more than worth it."
Squall: "...you're kidding."
Alis: "Besides, we can just teleport where we wanna go, right?"
Squall: "That's STUPID."
Onion: *walks in* "I got a trade for you, ninjas. How about I join you? I'll do the job at no cost, just take me into your ranks. I have experience being a ninja, too."
Alis: "WHAT?!"
Squall: "Kid, you'll never get your girl that way! Trust me on this!"
Onion: "I feel empty and left out among this group. The one I like doesn't even notice me. I'll join the ninjas and kill Sephy for you. My price, however, is I need you to tell everyone that I'm going away for a very long time. It'll break Firion's heart and he'd never let me go, but..." *changes into a ninja using his class change ability* "I'm done here."