Jade's p o v
That image of Cat kissing Freddie burned in my mind burning my face my feet my arms everything burned up nothing helped me not the cold currents washing over me as I swam nothing calmed my racing heart not the five shots of Tequila.
How could she? How could she let that loser touch her like that caress her body kiss those glorious lips.
Jade we really need to get started on our project
Uh Vega's whiny voice was most certainly not helping my pounding headache why Sikowitz why would you do this to me?
Sighing despite the fact that I didn't want to I listened to her and got out of her pool I was so jealous we didn't have a pool.
Tori was waiting for me with a towel inside her kitchen where Andre and Robbie already were coughing I sighed joining them grabbing a cup of tea.
Want to shower and change before we start?
Why Andre does this make you uncomfortable?
Andre could barely look at me as I towel dried myself I saw how his eyes kept looking at my body as I stretched he was blushing and squirming.
Ew your dripping all over the kitchen
Come here Trina and I'll drip all over you
Ew get away freak
Rolling my eyes I grinned as Trina ran away past her mom who came over and gave me another towel.
Why don't you go upstairs and wash up darling
I have to admit the shower felt great by the time I was done I was a bit calmer but still my mind was reeling how could she let him do that to her?
Cat was so pure so innocent he was a total dog doing that to someone so sweet.
Move loser! I have to whazz
Trina came in pushing me away glaring at her as I pulled my shirt over my body.
No snappy comment Jadelyn?
Don't call me Jadelyn!
What's got your scissors all twisted up?
Nothing that's any of your business
Something has got you worked up you never swim Jade
Not true I love to swim
Yea right you hate getting all sticky from the chlorine and sweating
Uh Why are you here Trina?
Cause it's my bathroom and I have to whazz
So whazz already and get out
Your such a bitch Jade
Shut up Trina
I'll shut up when you start talking Jade
Why do you care?
Before I could stop her she grabbed my right hand away from my jean pocket and pulled out my scissors.
I leaped trying to grab them as she pushed up my sleeves revealing my scars.
Cause that's why your too young to be this depressed Jade
You need to talk to someone and no one else seems to be noticing how much your hurting
I'm not hurting I'm expressing myself
By hurting yourself no one does that
I do it's my way and it's worked for years
One of these days it's going to kill you
Oh god you sound like a frigging psa
Well someone has to educate you
I don't need education Trina
No than maybe you just need to talk
Why it won't help
How do you know have you ever tried?
No there's no one to talk to
Saying the words out loud did something to me I mean I'm use to being alone no one has ever taking the time to try to get to know what I'm feeling well except Cat but I can't talk to her about this.
Well I'm not no one I am someone extraordinary
Oh please Trina
Please take the time to listen?
Well I might be ale to if you do something for me
Uh I knew there was a condition typical Trina
What do you want?
She sat on the counter swinging her legs looking at me damn when did Trina get so pretty? She was staring at me smiling her long brownish blond hair in her face.
I want you to promise me that when you feel like your going to cut yourself
You'll stop and think and call me first
Seriously? Is this for real?
Yes Jade it is
Why? Why do you care?
Cause I know how you feel Jade
Yea right Trina you have an amazing life
Why do you say that?
Easy you have two parents who love and adore you you live in this awesome house on top of Hollywood Hills.
So my parents have money and I have all the material things so I automatically have a perfect life
That's not what I meant Trina
Really cause that's how it sounded to me
Listen Jade your right
I know you'll love that hearing your right
I twisted my fingers as I swayed trying not to look at her. Why was she doing this? When did Trina start caring what her little sister's friends did?
The truth is Jade appearances can be deceiving
Yea my parents have money but do you know how hard they have to work to get that money?
My dad pulls all nighters he works the most dangerous streets in La risking his life against druggies robbers rapists murders all so Tori and I can have everything he thinks we want.
My mom is constantly at fashion shows getting the latest scoops on all the current trends she is never home to bake us cookies or talk about our day at school hell my parents are so obsessed with money they wouldn't hire a babysitter when we were younger it was always Trina watch your little sister.
Didn't matter if Trina had plans it was always about what they needed so they could advance mom wants to be the next big fashionista dad wants to be a detective.
So Tori and I were shoved aside so they could advance their careers so I had Tori I spent all my free time watching her changing her reading to her doing everything for her do you know what it's like to not be allowed to spend time with kids your age because you have to babysit a three year old?
By the time tori was old enough to be on her own I was too old to find friends middle school is when everyone forms their cliques and find out where they fit in, well I was babysitting Tori I couldn't find my group cause I had no free time. It wasn't her fault though so I could never hate her in fact I love her she's my little sister she''s sweet she has a heart of gold and she's funny.
I didn't mind hanging with her even if it meant playing sports or rough housing cause hey she was all I had.
I was bullied for being different Jade girls thought I was a slut because I dressed like the boys I only dressed that way cause Tori made me play dress up and she thought it was cute that we dress as twins.
Do you think kids cared? No they labeled me they pushed me into lockers they ridiculed me I felt ashamed I felt like I could never be anyone important.
If it wasn't for Tori's movie obsession I would of never even found out what a passion I had for the arts I use to sit in the theater and dream that I was that girl on the screen saving the world or the girl dancing across the stage singing that one song of glory.
Look I get it Jade ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of seeing my name in lights of being the one billboard weekly called The next Madonna.
When I got accepted into Hollywood arts it was my one time to be my own person to have friends who shared my passion. They encouraged me they supported me I found my outlet.
Well now that Tori is at school I am once again invisible she's always stealing the spotlight I mean she doesn't mean to she didn't know she was doing it but once again the focus shifted from Trina to Tori.
No one would understand why I am so self centered because no one ever takes the time to ask they just make mean comments and throw jokes they think are funny they forget I have real feelings that I am a real person.
So yea Jade I get it people throw chiz at you and expect you to just take it and it's hard if you whine and tell your a tattletale and a snitch we all know what happens to snitches.
If you take it it slowly eats away at you.
They punch you and hit you with all their insults and lies and you smile right but every jab every hit makes you bleed a little more inside and the blood has no where to go so it wells up inside and pressures you.
Till one day you just can't take it any more, so what happens? One day you just snap and you look for any way to get rid of this hurt.
Truth is Jade there's a better way try opening up you'll never know who may understand.
You'll never know until you try.
I couldn't believe Trina was telling me this I would of never guessed all this about her, I felt foolish I mean she had bared her soul but I couldn't even say the words thank you. How was I suppose to tell her everything I was feeling? I didn't even know how I was feeling.
Everyone says they know how I feel the truth is Trina no one can know how I feel
Cause I am the only one who knows myself and I don't even know how I feel
All I can say is that it's not a phrase for me I know everyone says that being a teen is about
Discovering who you are and all that chiz but I think I've known for a long time who I am
I'm different
Different isn't always bad Jade
No but when people tell you from the time your a child that it's wrong it's a sin
You start to think maybe their right maybe I am a freak
No Jade the only freaks out there are those who condemn someone for being themselves who try to take away someone else creative and try to mold them to some standard placed on us as what is right by society.
They have no idea Trina what it's like to hate yourself how every word every label cuts you a little more each day till you feel numb and broken.
No Jade but I do babe and maybe if we talk maybe we can help each other
Your not a freak Jade your beautiful your creative and your spontaneous your different but difference is what makes us unique.
I sighed closing my eyes leaning against the counter Trina took my arm and traced her nails over my scars her touch made me shiver opening my eyes I saw her eyes looking directly at me full of compassion and concern.
There was no pity no fear no judgment just love.
You can do this Jade I know you can if I can after all the insults you've thrown at me you can do it consider it payback for all the nasty chiz you've said about me.
Blushing I felt myself sink down she was right I was one of those people who judged her joked about her and made her feel worthless.
The realization made me sick, here she was being so nice to me and I had made her life for the last two years hell.
Fine I do owe you but you have to promise me Trina that you'll never tell anyone what I say
My breathing was a little too fast I felt dizzy what if I told her and she betrayed me she could easily tell her friends their the most popular girls in school everyone would know know within minutes.
I couldn't deal with that if Cat found out she would hate me she would think I was hitting on her every time we changed together showered or cuddled.
If I didn't tell was she right would I eventually explode? My arms burned all the time they were red and nasty yet I couldn't stop cutting even looking at the ugly red flaming scars did nothing to stop me, it didn't matter that I had to add an extra hour to my makeup routine every morning just to cover them up.
I promise Jade your secrets safe with me
The thing is Trina I broke up with Beck cause I don't love him
I don't think I ever did I mean I tried I did everything a girl has to I kissed him devoted myself to him
I care for him I thought being with him would allow me to fall in love with him if I threw myself into being the best girlfriend if I made love to him, if I became obsessed with him I would fall in love with him.
Didn't work did it Jade?
No it just made me angry and bitter and more depressed
I guess I didn't want to face the truth
Which is?
That I'm different the truth is I can never love Beck because it's not who I am
I tried to fit in with all the other girls I tried to like boys I tried dating and it's not me.
I'm afraid I never will be like them...
I get tried of faking smiles and giggling when all I feel is sadness and pain cause the thing is inside I knew since I was young that I was always going to be on the outside.
I'm gay Trina and as hard as I tried I can't help it but I've fallen in love with my best friend.
She'll never love me back though not the way I want her to and it kills me
Seeing her kissing him touching him giggling at his jokes it should be me with her she's the one I dream about the one I can't live without and I have to live without her cause she'll never love me back.
How do you know Jade? Have you ever asked?
Trina she's straight believe me I know she's my best friend I would know if she was gay
She's yours and did she know your not straight?
Her question made me ponder did Cat know?
If she did what did she think? Why hasn't she talked to me?
Did she not want to hear the words out loud?
Would she hate me?