Thank you for reading. This chapter was ready to go yesterday but FFn was not. Booo.

Chapter authors: transitory07 and karenec

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight.

Chapter 25

I am the loser, can you love me just as?
I am the broken, can you mend me just as?
Hold me in your arms.
"In Your Arms" - Jason Zerbin

Carmen rushed into the office, shrugging out of her cream leather jacket. "I'm sorry I'm late," she declared, setting her purse on the desk against the wall and grabbing a notebook and pen. "There's this workshop I go to on Wednesdays in Tacoma."

I smiled gently, staring at the rip in my jeans. It was time I went shopping. "It's fine."

Carmen sat down in the armchair across from me, smiling warmly as she always did during out our sessions. Sometimes her unconditional kindness was infuriating.

"How are you feeling today?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"Well, has something happened this week to make you unsure of your feelings?"

Frustrated, I swept a lock of hair behind my ear. In the past two months, Edward and I had been communicating back and forth through email and the occasional phone conversation. I looked forward to hearing his honeyed voice but it always left me longing to see him in the end. I had told Carmen what I could about Edward during one of our earlier sessions. And I had told her how intelligent and sweet he was, and how he made me feel special even though I clearly wasn't.

"I miss him," I said quietly.

Carmen cocked her head. "Who?"

"Edward. He said he's out of town now. I don't know when he's coming back. We talk sometimes on the phone."

"And what do you think of these conversations?" Carmen asked curiously.

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "They're the best part of my day."

"Well, that's nice!"

I ignored Carmen's wide genuine grin, however. "I told Edward I love him. He didn't say it back."

There was a pause and I continued. "I'm not expecting him to say it back but I've said it twice already. Once was just after I had told him about being molested. I told him that I know I'm unworthy but that I wish I was because I love him."

"And what did Edward say?"

My eyes misted over. "He kissed me."

"Did you like it?"

"Yes. I liked it very much."

"And what did Edward say regarding the abuse?"

An image of Edward and I standing on the pier in Port Angeles flashed through my mind, his hands gripping the wooden railing and breaking it when I told him about Jimmy touching my private parts...

I breathed in slowly. "He was upset and angry."

Carmen tapped her pen against the notepad in her hands. "Angry at you?"

"No... at Jimmy. He said he doesn't like it when I say that I'm damaged."

Carmen smiled softly. "I think that's very considerate and understanding of Edward. It seems from what you've shared with me, that he really cares about you."

I didn't respond. It seemed ludicrous that Edward would love me back. But then, what of those kisses we had shared? The shivering, mind-blowing caresses? And, most of all, his protective and caring attitude? Why was always asking me what I was thinking without volunteering secrets of his own?

"Perhaps it would be wise to find out how Edward feels before getting in any deeper," Carmen suggested.

I almost laughed. If only she knew how deep in I already was!

"But I already told him," I argued pathetically. "And he didn't say he loved me back. Doesn't that already prove he doesn't feel the same?"

Carmen's dark eyes were gentle when I looked up. "Not necessarily. Sometimes actions do speak louder than words. Would you say he's been a good friend to you?"

I nodded. "Definitely."

"And he makes you happy?"

"Yes, but he also makes me sad because I'm not good enough!"

Carmen leaned forward, uncrossing her legs. "Bella, you have to stop listening to these distorted thoughts in your head that keep saying you're not good enough. Edward thinks you are and so do I."

She was gazing at me intently and I squirmed, wanting to run suddenly from the room. I mumbled, "But I can't sleep with him."

Carmen frowned. "Would you repeat that? I don't understand..."

I exhaled sharply, fidgeting on the couch. "I can't give Edward what every normal person can! As much as I want to and dream about being intimate with him, I'm terrified because I know I can't do it. And why would he want to be with someone who's such an emotional wreck?"

My eyes stung and I leaned back against the cushions. Carmen did the same in her chair. Her expression was patient and nonjudgmental.

"Bella, there's no such thing as 'normal'. People aren't having as much sex as they say they are I can assure you. The media greatly exaggerates things."

"But everyone can do it," I interrupt feverishly. "Have sex… that's what I mean."

Carmen shook her head again. "Bella, that's not true. Do you know why?"

I glanced away towards the painting on the wall.

"One out of every four people has been sexually molested in same way or other. That means that most of the population on this planet has gone through something similar to you."

I didn't answer, not even when she said, "You're not the only one with these fears and insecurities."

Of course, I knew other kids had been molested as well. In my mind, that didn't make things any more fairor easier.

After a long moment, Carmen asked mildly, "When Edward touches you, how do you feel?"

Without looking at her, I said, "He makes me feel safe. It... feels good when he touches me."

My heart twisted longingly as the memory of me sitting in Edward's lap as he kissed my lips and throat returned with all its sweetness. I would have given anything to relive that moment. "But I'm afraid of going further."

"That's understandable."

"I'm afraid that if we don't, though, he won't want me anymore."

It had already been too long. Not only did Edward not say 'I love you' back, but we hadn't physically touched each other since our stay in California either. I had no idea what he wanted to do with our relationship, if we even had one, and it was frustrating.

"Bella," Carmen's voice drifted firmly across the short distance between our selected seats. "If Edward breaks up with you because he's tired of waiting for sex, then he doesn't deserve your love and respect. You didn't ask to be abused. This isn't your fault."

aDc

A tear rolled down my cheek as I sat in my truck in the parking lot that afternoon. Then my eyes were blurry with about twenty of them, and pretty soon, a sob escaped my throat.

I buried my face in my hands, trying to hide my shame from anyone passing by. The phone in the front pocket of my purse buzzed.

Pulling it out, I glanced briefly at the name on the screen.

Alice.

I ignored it.

aDc

His lips were wintry and delicious against my tongue. The only problem was that he pulled away.

"I want you," I blurted out embarrassingly, taking a step forward as he backed up against the trunk of a young spruce.

His mouth turned up slightly in a half smile, though his eyes remained dark and even a little chilling. "I want you too but not here, sweetheart."

My cheeks flushed. "I didn't mean we should-"

Edward grabbed my hand, pulling me ferociously towards an embankment of moss and fallen trees. "Follow me."

I stumbled beside him, trying to not trip on anything. "That's kinda hard to do when you're moving so fast!" I exclaimed, out of breath as we cut through the damp leaves.

He halted suddenly, jerking my arm. I cried out in pain and he glanced down apologetically.

"I'm sorry." He lifted my hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist. "You're right. There's a better way we can get there without my hurting you."

"Which is?"

My heart beat unsteadily as Edward flashed a mischievous grin. In one swift, barely perceptible motion, he swept me up into his arms. Then he started running.

Except it felt like flying... I couldn't even hear the sound of his feet on the ground as he tore through the forest, holding me tightly against his chest. Blue Jays and cardinals watched us curiously from the tops of the hemlocks and the air was heavy with the fresh scent of rain.

Edward came to a full stop in front of an adorable cabin standing between two cedars. There was a rocking chair on the porch, a swing, and a little round table off to the side where a vase of yellow and white daisies sat. Edward set me down, and took my hand when my knees buckled.

We walked slowly to the door. He unlocked it wordlessly. The sweet smell of honeysuckle hit me as we stepped inside the warm space. But I barely registered my surroundings as Edward shut the door and spun me around, pressing my body against door.

"Now this is where I want to make love to you, Miss Swan," he whispered in my ear before dropping his lips to the skin beneath and licking down my neck slowly.

I shivered. "This is nice," I murmured, threading my fingers through his hair.

"Just nice?"

Edward gripped my waist with both hands and hoisted my body up so I could wrap my legs around his midsection. I pressed my mouth eagerly against his.

Edward carried me to the bedroom, my arms locked around his neck and my nails sliding on the indestructible skin of his nape as he groaned in my mouth.

As I broke off our kiss, I couldn't help grinning at the spark of lust in his topaz eyes.

"You like torturing me?" He demanded, setting me down carefully on top of the quilt covering the beautiful vintage bed.

The smile didn't fall from my lips. "I thought you enjoyed that kind of... torture."

His grin mirrored mine as he leaned forward and buried his face in my neck, his hand slipping under my shirt. It was the first time he had touched my breasts… and his touch felt extraordinarily good.

aDc

I wanted to stay in the dream, dwelling on the make-believe feel of Edward's cool hands unhooking my bra and teasing my breasts, his fingers circling my nipples.

Unfortunately, my alarm clock tore me away from the dream with its shrill wail. I lay in the dim morning light, gazing dazedly up at the ceiling.

It's almost September, I remembered.

My birthday was only a few weeks away.

~aDc~

"Why does she look like that?" Alice murmured. She frowned slightly as she watched the Jeep swing around in a circle before Emmett parked it.

I poked her gently with my elbow to make her smile. "She's a little surprised by our appearance, from what I understand. She thinks we look a bit… feral."

"Oh," Alice replied faintly. I chuckled when she glanced first at Jasper and me, and then looked down at herself before running her hands over her hair.

"Don't mind Rose." Jasper grinned and deliberately shook his head to make his hair even wilder. "She hasn't had to go off underground for a few years and she forgets that the last thing you need out here are designer duds.

"Besides, E's got the worst hair among the three of us – she'll be all over him like a hound on a squirrel."

Alice tried to control her snorting giggles but only laughed harder when she looked at the crazy mess of hair on my head. She was leaning against me and holding her sides when Rosalie and Emmett got out of the car and made their way over to us.

"What the hell have you guys been doing with yourselves? I know it's rugged up here, but dressing like lumberjacks isn't a requirement."

Rosalie assessed us critically, taking in our plain boots, jeans, and shirts before turning her attention to our heads. As predicted, her eyes flew immediately to my hair and she scowled when I pulled a black knit hat from my pocket and slid it over my head.

"Well, well, well," Emmett said, his eyes twinkling. "Looks like there was a three-for-one sale on flannel shirts in town. Have you three been hunting wabbits?"

"Don't worry, Emmett." Alice's voice and face were grave as she faced him. "I saved you a couple of bears."

My brother had time to raise one eyebrow at her before she wheeled around and dashed into the trees with Jasper and I following. Almost immediately, I heard the sound of two additional pairs of flashing feet behind us. Rosalie chuckled as she fell in step beside Alice.

"Show us your stuff, newborn," she said with a wide smile, her hair streaming out behind her in the wind.

Alice winked and leaped high into the air before bounding ahead. "Try to keep up!"

aDc

Alice led us to the hidden waterfall after we had finished hunting, telling Rosalie and Emmett shyly that the place had become a favorite of hers. We sat together to talk and share news, all of us looking forward to Esme and Carlisle's arrival later in the week. Between the charades of the human jobs and school, it would mark the first time that the whole family would be reunited since bringing Alice to Montana.

"There's a rumor going around the school that you impregnated some human girl, Jasper." Rosalie wrinkled her nose in laughter when Jasper's mouth fell open. "Apparently you were then sent away to military school."

"It's true," Emmett agreed. "Although some are now saying that the girl is a brunette from the area and Edward is the transgressor. Carlisle packed you off to prep school on the East Coast when the truth was discovered."

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "Really? That's the best they could come up with?"

"Well it's your own fault," Emmett said. "You took Bella out to eat in Port Angeles; you had to know someone was going to notice."

I didn't bother to look up. "I bought her a sandwich, Em. And some pie. Hardly a whirlwind romance."

Naturally, Alice needed to know more and turned to me eagerly. "Did you and Bella go on a date?"

"Not exactly," I said and raised my face to look at her earnestly. "It was more of a getting-to-know-you type of thing than a date."

Her wide amber eyes looked disappointed. "Are you sure it wasn't a date?"

"Edward outed himself as a vampire and the Swan girl asked him to help her kill someone, Alice," Rosalie said quietly. She gave me a small, comforting smile. "I'm pretty sure that qualifies as more of a getting-to-know-you type of thing."

We were quiet for a little while, though I could both see and hear Alice fretting. We had talked about the online conversations she had shared with Bella, and I knew she was thinking about them too.

"Bella does like you, Edward," she said. "She told me so herself when we were messaging."

"She's told me too," I replied. I still hadn't found the courage to tell anyone that Bella had declared that she loved me… or that she had admitted that killing James Chase had been more important to her than our feelings.

"What about you, Edward?" Alice asked gently. "Do you have feelings for Bella?"

I blew out a long breath and looked at the faces around me. "I don't know, honestly. I care about her, very much. And I… I think I would be drawn to her even outside of the mating urge."

"Really?" Jasper was intrigued.

"I was watching her even before I realized there was something else pushing me toward her. She was on the street that day, when I went to buy music in Forks… it was as if everything else around me faded away slightly when I looked at her."

I shook my head. "But I can't discount the mating urge entirely, because it's always there, coloring everything. I want to be near Bella, regardless of what happens when we're actually together."

"What does that mean?" Alice asked after a pause.

"Well, we haven't spent very much time together. And the time that we have hasn't exactly been your typical girl-meets-boy kind of thing."

"That's Edward for 'we fight like cats and dogs in between murder plots'," Rosalie quipped.

There was a beat of silence before everyone burst out laughing. Alice looked as uncertain as she did amused, which was not uncommon when she spent time with Rosalie and Emmett; she wasn't accustomed to their barbs and largely affectionate teasing.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked finally, narrowing my eyes at the haughty blonde. "Can't you give Bella a break for a change?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes at me. "Oh, come on, you know it's true. You did hatch a plot to murder someone; well, the Swan girl did, at any rate. And even you can't deny that most of the time you've spent together has been in some kind of fight or another."

Alice cocked her head at me and looked somber. "Is that true? Do you really fight all the time?"

"Fairly often," I admitted. "Granted, we used to fight about how to deal with the man who had abused Bella. Now that Chase is gone, it could be different. Or it could be..." I trailed off uncertainly.

"It could be that you would just fight about something else," Jasper offered.

"Right. I hope that's not true. And there were times before Chase's death when we didn't fight."

"Yeah, one time in particular," Emmett said, his teasing smirk making Alice's eyes widen knowingly.

The warning on my lips died when a torrent of memories filled my head. Whispers and soft breaths filled with longing lit a cold fire in my body and I realized the voices were Bella's and my own. I was hearing us through Emmett's memories. He had been in the hotel that afternoon when Bella and I had lay in my bed, and his perfect memory played back each sigh and gasp with gut-wrenching clarity.

Oh, God. All of the effort I had spent over the months to control my thoughts of Bella crumbled to dust. Before I could stop myself, my own memories came crashing forward. I remembered the way Bella had felt under my hands and lips, and the taste of her skin. I felt the rush of her breath and blood beneath her skin, and her soft limbs curling around me. She had been so warm and so terrifyingly vulnerable that afternoon when she kissed me. The recklessness she showed when she knowingly pushed me closer to the edge of my control had told me even then that she placed no value on her own life.

My head swam with desire. I was hard, and my whole body was trembling almost violently with need. Jesus. I bit my lip and drove my fingers deep into the log beneath my legs.

A sharp gasp broke through the fog of desire. And Jasper's thoughts flew through my head, filling it with a lust as intense as my own - for my sister. The protective growl that began in my chest stuttered and died when I forced myself to listen beyond Jasper's yearning. Because I heard the love he felt for Alice, too, and knew that it was powerful and pure.

I looked up and caught an expression very much like pain on Jasper's face before he tore off into the woods without a word. I swore loudly as the others cried out in surprise.

Alice stood at once, and was already beginning to run when I caught her arm and held her back. She squirmed in my grip and wrenched her arm away before hissing angrily. "Let me go, Edward!"

"Alice, stop!" My voice was low and urgent, and caught my sister's attention immediately. I glared at her meaningfully for a moment before putting my hands on her again and pursing my lips at her injured expression.

"I need you to listen to me, Al. It's important that you stay here with Rose and Em. It's quiet up here away from the humans, but you need to be near someone, especially without Jas here to smooth out your moods. We need you to keep that in mind at all times.

"I'll bring him back. We've been putting off having a conversation anyway."

Alice nodded once, her eyes softening with concern, while Rosalie and Emmett came to flank her on either side. I gave them all a reassuring smile and then sprinted into the woods after my brother.

aDc

It was several hours before Jasper was ready to stop. He ran hard for a long time, sprinting as fast as he could manage, before his steps became more measured. I could have easily outrun him, but kept my distance, allowing him to race through his unpredictable mood. I also closed my mind to the thoughts he was still battling desperately to control, waiting until he was ready to speak.

The sun was low in the sky and we were deep in the mountains of northwestern Montana when he finally allowed me to pull alongside him.

"We'll be in Canada soon if we keep heading north," I said casually.

Jasper did not answer and his face remained impassive. But his steps gradually slowed, until we had stopped to stand together in the snow above a massive glacier. We watched the setting sun, neither of us speaking until the sky had turned a rich purple.

"Talk to me, Jas."

He shook his head and cast his eyes down before he answered. "What is there to say, E? You know what I was thinking today. What I was feeling. It's obvious from your reaction that you knew I felt like this. You were just too much of a gentleman to say anything."

He heaved a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I wish I could say the same for myself as far as being a gentleman. Feeling the intensity of your desire for Bella today… I lost control. I had to get out of there before I pushed all of my feelings out on to the rest of you. Edward, I can't imagine what you think of me."

"I think that you love my sister, Jas," I said slowly. "I think that you felt the mating bond for the first time. If anyone knows what that's like, it's me."

I felt his gaze on me and smiled ruefully. "At least you had the good sense to fall in love with one of your own kind."

"I do love her, Edward." Jasper's expression was serious when I turned to look at him, but his eyes were shining. "There's been nothing in my life that has ever come close to the way I feel about Alice. I… I had no idea it would be like this."

I frowned. "I don't understand why you thought you needed to hide it from me, Jas."

He sighed and shook his head. "When I realized what was happening to me… for the first time in a very long time, I had no idea what to do. Alice… you sister… she's not herself, E, not really. You know that. She's having an easier go of being a newborn because we're here to help her, and she has that funky gift in her head. But she's still all about thirst. I can't just tell her how I feel and expect her to be able to process it. They would just be words… she can't register a mating bond now even if she feels it."

I nodded but shoved my hands in my pockets as I thought about my next words. "That's true, I'll give you that. There is more there, though. She cares about you Jas."

"As a brother and protector," he argued quietly. "You know her thoughts and I know her emotions; can you honestly tell me she's felt anything beyond kinship for me?"

"Not until tonight," I said, and watched his eyes widen. "Alice was concerned when you ran off, more so than either of you realize. And while there was nothing romantic in her thoughts… there was deeper emotion tied to them. Alice may not be capable of feeling the bond yet. But I'm sure she will, once she's had a chance to get past the thirst she's feeling right now."

aDc

It rained as we ran the last hundred miles to the big house where Alice and the others were waiting. Even without listening to Jasper's thoughts, I could sense that he had more questions on his mind.

"Edward… I know you're holding something back. Something about Bella. I can feel it whenever her name comes up and it was really obvious today. You gave me a hard time earlier about hiding things. None of us can hear the way you do, so you have to be up front. What is it you're not saying?"

I didn't answer right away, and couldn't meet his eyes when I did. "Bella said she loved me. And then, when I pushed her, she admitted that it was more important to her that Chase be killed."

A pause followed as Jasper absorbed my words and his expression was concerned when I looked at him. "Do you believe her? About being in love with you."

"I believe that she thinks she does." I licked my lips and said more softly, "I hope she does."

We slowed to a walk and said nothing for a few miles before I spoke again. "I wonder sometimes if what she feels is about this," I said, gesturing to my face and body with my hands. "The vampire and the glamour, and not what's underneath them. Not… me."

Jasper looked at me curiously. "Does Bella know what's underneath, as you say?"

"Some of it. But it's not exactly easy to show her, if you know what I mean. And that's certainly my fault at this point… I've been running wild up here, instead of being back in Washington trying to get to know her better."

"You didn't have much of a choice on that one, E." Jasper shrugged when I nodded at him. "Yeah, you could have left Alice here with me and she would have been okay, given time. But that's not you."

"I couldn't stay away," I murmured. "But I couldn't bring Alice there, either. Choosing to stay here with her was both the easiest and hardest thing to do. If I'm lucky, then Bella will know that, too."

Jasper's expression was strangely proud as he looked at me, a smile spreading over his lips. "Hard as it might have been to leave Bella behind, having you here was good for Alice... and you."

I couldn't help returning the smile, though mine was subdued, in part because I needed Jasper's advice.

When we were five miles from the house and I had begun to pick up my siblings' stray thoughts, I stopped and laid my hand on Jasper's arm to get his attention.

"Jas, Bella's birthday is in September. I'd like to go back to see her. I need to know if you think … is that too soon for Alice to leave here?"

A/N

Looks like the cat's out of the bag, eh, Jasper? And the kids are doing a lot more talking... now they just need to do it with each other.

Thank you for reading.

The next chapter will be split.

I submitted a one-shot to the the Pick a Pic Challenge 2012, which opens for public voting on July 8. Stories are still being posted, and there is a wonderful array of stories with all kinds of pairings. Read, review, and vote for your favorites, and make sure to look at the beautiful banners that were submitted - maybe you'll be inspired to write something of your own. Details on my profile.