Olivia had forced the children to go to school in the morning, all without explanation.
"I will talk to you all separately tonight." She had promised.
Catherine had taken Claire to kindergarten without a word and Tom had returned to the study quietly. Alex, exhausted as she was, didn't sleep. She couldn't even if she wanted to. She was terrified of having her eyes open let alone having them closed. Olivia stayed awake with her, in her presence at all times, never out of Alex's line of sight. They lay in their bedroom, on the bed with the door closed. Alex's whole body lay an inch away from Olivia; she couldn't get his touch out of her head. They just stare at each other, hands outstretched, palm against palm. It was just enough contact for Alex to feel at ease. It was the same thing they did whenever she had a flashback, at least one that was more than minor. They lay silent for many hours, Olivia just happy that the sound of Alex's screaming had almost left her mind. It was worse if she was awake when they happened, they were less frequent but they made life difficult. Olivia could have sworn that in the last few years their severity had lessened; in her sleep, the nightmares ripped her apart, she spent many nights screaming, thrashing around and quite honestly, losing her mind. Olivia had tried to talk her in to seeing a psychologist, or even psychiatrist, but Alex refused. She insisted that she was getting better. Maybe she was, had been at least. Until they came back to this house, Alex was happy.
"Liv?" Alex asked in a whisper.
"Yes sweetheart." Olivia smiled.
"It was so real..." She said, shaking her head.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asked gently.
"No." Alex replied promptly.
She had never really talked about it, especially not in detail. Most of what Olivia knew came from the things Alex screamed in her sleep or the way that Alex twitched or cried at certain words, names or touches. Olivia always had to be so careful. They hadn't even had sex until after Elijah's birth. Things with Alex were slow. They hadn't done anything more than kiss since their arrival in the house but Olivia was patient. She just wanted to see Alex happy again.
"I'm going to leave the ensuite door open from now on so that you remember there is a bathroom in there okay?"
Alex nodded.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, she felt ashamed of what had happened in the night.
"No, no, no..." Olivia said hurriedly.
"I was just so scared for you; I didn't know what to do. On the upside, you hit me pretty hard." Olivia chuckled.
"Oh Liv! That's not funny! I could have really hurt you..."
"That's good. It means that if anyone ever tries to hurt you, so help them when I get my hands on them, you can give them a nice blow just like you did me." Olivia smiled awkwardly.
Alex tried to smile back, but she couldn't. The remark had made her think about Tom; now would be the perfect time to say something, but she didn't. She couldn't. Olivia was worried enough.
"I'm ready to have a shower now." Alex said as she began to stand.
"Do you need me to come?" Olivia asked softly.
"No." Alex replied promptly.
"I... I'll be fine."
...
Alex did the same thing she did sixteen years ago. She turned the water up so high that it scalded her skin, turning red in seconds, so hot she could hardly stand it. Her body was covered in nail scratches, some deeper than others; she even had fingerprint shaped bruises on her arms because of how tight she had been holding on to herself. They were smaller than the ones he would leave. She scrubbed her skin red raw, remaining in the shower until the water became cold; even then she had to fight to step out. She wrapped her body in the white robe Olivia had left for her. Tomorrow, she would pick herself up and return to normal even if it killed her.