An extra-long chapter this time - just because there's a lot going on. Hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 25
Chapter 25
Once we're back on the base and we know the twins are ok, it hits me. They're here - my territory. And that makes them my responsibility. Sure, Jack's too, but that doesn't help. Two vulnerable children, and I don't know if I can keep them safe. I've never been someone who avoids responsibility, but right now, I'm scared of it.
There's so much that could go wrong. They could be booby-trapped in a way we haven't spotted yet. Or, the NID could get their hands on them, experiment on them the way they wanted to do with Teal'c when he first got here. I'm not naïve enough to believe that they'll see them any differently just because they're human children. As far as some people are concerned, they're aliens, and aliens don't have any rights.
I don't know much about what's happened to them since we last saw them; maybe we'll find out in time. What we do know is that they've been experimented on by a Goa'uld in their father's body. Regardless of what he did to them, that's got to have hurt.
By the time Janet's finished with us for the day, I need to get out of here for a while, and once I see the quarters Jack's arranged for them, it takes a second to come up with a reason. Everything looks so drab and unwelcoming, and they're still in the clothes they were rescued in. Tesia can at least have clean things from stores, but there's nothing to fit the twins. I suggest that Jack could show them around the base and take them to eat, while I go shopping. The look Jack gives me shows that he understands there's more than one reason for the trip, and I want to try to explain it to him, but I don't think I can. He must be feeling the same as me – he's as aware of the risks and potential for heart-break as I am. More so. And yet he's there, steady and calm and … Jack.
It's not the first time I'm amazed by his strength. It's not that he's forgotten these things. It's not that he's decided that they're not important. It's just that he's living despite the guilt, and the simple fact that he's able to love the way he does despite everything … That a man like that would love me the way he does …
The trip to the mall is bittersweet. I have to force myself to walk past the baby things – aiming for clothes that I think'll fit the twins. I had a word with Janet before I left, and she suggested which sizes I should go with – comparing the twins with Cassie.
I try hard not to overdo it. There're so many things I like, but with an effort of will, I limit it to three changes of day clothes, two sets of pyjamas and underwear. On an impulse, I add a warm jacket for each of them. Shoes are more difficult and they're going to have to wait until we can bring them with us. Still, they've got shoes, and hopefully it won't be more than a few days before we get the ok to take them off base. When I pass the toy department, my eyes are drawn to the display of teddy bears. When I was little – younger than them – I always had my bear to sleep with. Even at their age, he was still there, but I'd persuaded myself I'd outgrown him – except when I was upset about something. Well, they've both got plenty of reason to be upset, so I buy them one each – slightly different shades of tan, one with a blue and the other a red ribbon round its neck. Anything else, they can choose for themselves. I keep that thought in mind. In a few days they'll be ok to get off the base, and we can let them choose some things.
I pay for everything and drive back to the mountain. I go straight to the quarters the twins' family has been assigned, speaking to the guard on the door before knocking. I'm surprised it takes so long to get an answer, given that Tesia is there, and when she finally opens the door, it's obvious that I've wakened her.
"I'm sorry," I apologise. "I didn't know you were asleep. I bought some things for the twins."
She nods at me, leaving the door open for me to follow her inside. She leaves me in the main room, going into one of the bedrooms and closing the door behind her. I'm concerned about her behaviour, but she's been through so much she might be genuinely exhausted. I go into the other bedroom and put the clothes in drawers there, leaving one pair of pyjamas for each of them on the two beds. I'm just finished when I hear the outside door opening, and immediately hear the twins' voices as they chat to Jack.
It doesn't take long to settle the twins for bed, but I'm not happy about leaving them alone.
"What now?" Jack asks, as we go back into the main room.
"I think I should spend the night here."
"Here? As in …"
"On the sofa there. Tesia's out of it, and they need someone familiar here in case they wake in the night."
"Ok," he agrees. "Doesn't look that comfortable."
"Compared with sleeping off world, it'll be fine. And anyway, it'd be even less comfortable for you."
"Not to mention that it's probably easier for Tesia to deal with another woman if she's upset."
"Look, can you stay here for a bit? I need to pick up a change of clothes and if I get my laptop, I can work for a few hours before I sleep."
"Sure," he agrees.
My first stop is to go to speak to Janet. She seems less concerned than I am, believing that Tesia's reactions will be more predictable after a night's sleep, so I take a quick shower and collect what I need before heading back. Jack looks pretty bored – in fact, although he's trying to hide it, I think I caught him dozing.
"You sure you're ok with this?" he asks as I set the laptop on the table.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. If Tesia's better in the morning, I won't feel we have to be so close."
"Better?"
"She seemed pretty out of it when I got back from the mall. She could just be tired, but …"
"You think it's more than that."
"I don't know. Janet said she'd expect her to be pretty subdued for a while, so I guess that's all it is. I just worry."
"I know you do. And you know you can call me if there's anything …"
"I know. What're you going to do?"
"Last I looked, the memos had been breeding. I'll go and see if I can clear the backlog."
"Sounds fascinating."
"Oh, I'm sure it will be," he promises, giving me one of his smiles. His eyes move towards the camera and he grimaces.
"Goodnight, Sam. Don't work too late."
"I won't, Jack. See you at breakfast."
I work until it's later than I intended, then open the door to the twins' room. They're both asleep, each with a furry bear in their arms. I smile at the sight, before going to the small bathroom to change for bed. It's the only room in the quarters without a camera, so it's the only place I can change into the sweats I brought for the purpose. When I'm ready, I switch out the light and curl onto the sofa. If I don't end up with a crick in my neck, I'll be amazed.
I never sleep well without Jack these days, and tonight, my thoughts are enough to keep me pretty busy. There's nothing new – just a re-hashing of everything that's happened, along with a feeling of impending doom which I can't help but associate with Tesia. I can't analyse the details, can't seem to work out what could possibly be wrong beyond the obvious. But that doesn't stop me trying.
I wake to the sound of screams a short while later. I rush into the twins' bedroom to find a familiar pattern. Cal's thrashing about and Shanna's completely still. The room's small enough that I can kneel between the two beds and touch both children so that's what I do, softly muttering words that're supposed to be comforting. In time, they seem to calm, but when I stand up, Shanna's eyes open suddenly.
"Stay?"
"There's no room."
"Yes there is. Look," she informs me rather bossily. She gets up and loosens the blankets at the bottom of her brother's bed, climbs in, upside-down. "You take the other bed," she suggests.
"Ok," I agree. "But you'll be more comfortable with your pillow."
"What about you?"
"If you'll let me go long enough to get mine from the other room …"
She nods, and I'm back within seconds, grateful to be able to stretch out. Very soon, I know the twins are asleep, and I follow them quickly.
It seems like minutes later that I'm wakened by the twins, shaking my arm.
"What?" I ask, groggily.
"Mother's still asleep. Is it breakfast time yet? We're hungry." As is often the case, Shanna does the speaking for both of them. I shake away the last remnants of sleep and check my watch. Sure enough, it's morning.
"Ok, get dressed. One at a time in the bathroom, and then I'll do the same. You first, Cal."
"Did you speak to your mother this morning?" I ask Shanna once her brother's gone.
"Yes. She said she was too tired, and that we should ask the man at the door, but I told her I wouldn't have to because you were here too, and she smiled and went back to sleep."
"Ok, look, when Cal's done, you go get dressed. I'll just check your mom."
I creep into the room where Tesia looks completely swamped by the small double bed. She seems to be deeply asleep, and I carefully reassure myself that she's breathing and peaceful before I leave her.
I'm not surprised that Jack beat us to the commissary, although I suspect he hasn't slept much better than me.
"Morning, kids," he greets them, as we reach the table and unload our choices from our trays. "What ya got there?"
I leave them to tell Jack about what they've chosen, just zoning out for a minute.
Once their initial excitement is over, the twins settle to eat their breakfast, and when they've finished, they're quiet. The truth is, if Tesia isn't able to look after them, we're going to have a bit of a problem. It's not that I mind spending time with them – I don't. It's just that, while they're confined to the base, it's going to be hard to keep them amused. It'll be easier when we can at least take them outside.
"So, what're we going to do today?" Jack asks the twins, earning him a kick from me under the table. He looks up at me, pretending innocence.
"You're going to have to go back to the infirmary this morning," I remind the twins. "Depending on what Dr. Fraiser says, we'll decide what to do."
"What about Mother? The doctor wanted to see her again too, didn't she?"
"She did, but don't worry about that. If she needs to, Dr. Fraiser can go to see your mom. So, finished?"
They nod, and we make our way to the infirmary.
Janet's got a surprise there. In a side room, she's left a range of books and toys – things that belong to Cassie. Even better, she tells us that she's going to arrange for Cassie to come in to the infirmary after school one day.
"She really wants to meet you two. You know she used to live on another planet too, don't you? She's so happy she's not the only kid who came here through the Stargate."
The twins seem a little less enthusiastic than I would've expected about meeting Cassie, but they're definitely interested in the toys and books. I leave Jack with them for a moment, while I get Janet up to date with what's happening with Tesia.
"I get being tired, Janet, but it's the … abdication of her responsibility to the twins that gets me. She didn't even seem to hear Cal's screams."
"Ok, I'll bring her into the infirmary and take a look at her. I've had some test results in overnight, and there's still nothing unexpected. Apart from some physical injury which will heal, and the fact that she's generally undernourished and run down, she's checking out. I've asked Dr. MacKenzie to come in today, and I'll be interested in his first impression. I've also got some ideas as to someone who might help the twins. You remember I said Abby Derek helped Cassie? I'll have to get General Hammond's agreement, but she should be able to help them too. They don't seem particularly traumatised, but in its way, that's more worrying. They might need to work through their experiences before they can truly move on, and if they've been used to burying their feelings …"
I know what she means.
"In the meantime, I've arranged for Lieutenant Wilson to spend some time with the twins. She's young – almost 'big sister' age, and bright. I'm hoping that the twins will accept her as an alternative to you and Jack so that you can both spend time on your other duties."
She must see the uncertainty on my face.
"Sam, unless you're planning on giving up your career, they're going to need someone to look after them – at least until their mom's up to it. Wilson's not a long-term option either, but I'm hoping that she'll give us all some breathing space."
"I know, Janet. It's just … I feel responsible for them. I feel like it's not fair to them for Jack and me to be wrapped up in our own lives if they need us."
"You think I don't know that, honey? How do you think I felt the first time I left Cassie with her sitter? It's hard. But you need to strike a balance. More so in your case. They've got a mom. They need you now, but once Tesia's got herself together, she might decide to move away – the other side of the country or even off world."
"I know," I admit. "I know all of that, but it doesn't help. I'm scared that I can't protect them, and then I feel guilty when I remember that in time, that responsibility will be Tesia's rather than mine."
"You'll be fine, Sam. Talk to Jack. Don't shut him out of how you're feeling."
"I won't," I promise.
"I'll get Wilson to go spend some time with the twins now. General Hammond wants a full briefing in a couple of hours, and it'd be better if both you and Jack could be there."
"Yeah."
"I'll go and arrange for Tesia to come in now. There're no new tests for now, although I want to repeat some scans every few days. Dr. MacKenzie's due in later. Once he's seen her, we'll have a better idea just how closely observed she'll need to be."
I rejoin Jack and the twins to find them checking out a stack of games. Lieutenant Wilson comes in a little later, and I introduce her to the twins, and take Jack aside to explain what Janet planned.
The Lieutenant proves to be an excellent choice. Some people (like Jack) just seem to have a knack with children, and she's one of them. Within an hour, they're playing quite happily with her. I take that opportunity to tell them that Jack and I're both needed at the briefing. The initial result is silence. The twins look at each other, and a moment later, Shanna answers.
"You'll come back, won't you?"
"Soon as the meeting's over," I promise. "And we'll only be a few floors away. Lieutenant Wilson will be able to contact us if we're needed."
"Ok," she agrees. I glance at Cal, and he nods in agreement.
I ignore the twinge of guilt and follow Jack out of the room.
"Well," Janet sums up for General Hammond. "Although I'm still awaiting further test results, I can be confident that none of them has a device such as the one Nirrti used on Cassie. All their teeth check out as human teeth, so I can also rule out the poison option Apophis used on Ry'ac. Otherwise, the twins are in good health, although they are showing signs of mild malnutrition. They are both a little wary of strangers, but once they've decided to trust someone, they seem remarkably well-adjusted given what they've seen and suffered in their short lives. I'd like to recommend that they receive counselling. Abby Derek did a good job with Cassie, and she's got all the clearance she'll need."
"Good idea, Doctor. Please set that up."
"Tesia is a different case. Her body is bruised – some injuries are old but some very recent. The pattern of injury is consistent with sexual assault and rape. I've already asked Dr. MacKenzie to see her, but my initial assessment is that she's been holding herself together because of the children. Since she's been here, her apparent psychological state has worsened, as might be expected now that she believes the children are safe. I'd like to keep her in the infirmary overnight tonight, and depending on Dr. MacKenzie's initial assessment, I'll decide whether or not she needs to be confined to the infirmary longer."
"I see. What about the twins' apparent gifts? Anything you can tell us?"
"Not so far, Sir. They do seem to withdraw from their surroundings from time to time, but I can only speculate as to what they're doing."
"What's your thinking, Sir?" I ask.
"As I'm sure you realise, if certain parties become aware of the purported gifts of these two children, they will be considered, in some circles, as acceptable subjects for experimentation. I would therefore suggest that that subject not be mentioned in any official reports. The business about the genes – that can be investigated. Since we believe that these genes are present in a proportion of the human race, it makes them seem less special."
"Sir," Janet interjects. "I've already asked for gene sequencing to be done on all three of our guests, and Colonel O'Neill's genetic profile is already on file."
"That's fine, Doctor. Captain," he turns to me. "Is there some way we can maintain a database that will be invisible to anyone outside this base – including our friends in the NID? If the twins do prove to have unusual gifts, any data we can gather might prove useful, although I stress that nothing should be done to cause the children any further trauma."
"I'll look into it, Sir," I promise.
"Good. For now, that aspect of the children's abilities is need to know. And the only people who need to know are in this room. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir," we chorus.
"Ok. Keep me apprised. Dismissed, Captain, Doctor. Colonel, I'd like to discuss some administrative details with you."
Jack gives me a look of mock-despair, and I smile in answer, going down to the infirmary with Janet. There, we go to see Tesia. She's in the main infirmary now – tucked up in bed. She's awake, but if she sees us, she shows no sign. Janet tries to speak to her, but it has no effect, so she sets about doing some observations while I go to the twins.
They seem to have discovered a board game, playing with Lieutenant Wilson. I watch for a few more moves before Cal raises an arm in the air to celebrate his victory.
"Having fun?" I ask.
"Yes. Marie's been teaching us to play. Do you know how?"
I look at the board. I don't recognise it, but I suspect I'll pick it up.
"If I don't, you can teach me."
"I need to go," Lieutenant Wilson informs us. "Dr. Fraiser said to see her when you got back."
"Will we see you later?" the twins chorus.
"I think so. I'm off duty at four, and I'll definitely come and see you then. And I'll be back in the morning."
When we're alone, I sit them down.
"Dr. Fraiser wants your mom to stay in the infirmary for a little longer."
"Why?"
"Because she seems very tired, and the doctor needs to find out why."
"Is she sick?"
"Maybe. But Dr. Fraiser's very good at making people well."
There's a pause then, and some silent communication before Cal asks what's obviously on both their minds.
"Do we have to sleep in the infirmary too?"
"No, you can sleep where you slept last night."
"On our own?"
"Well, Jack or I can stay too."
"Both of you?"
"No, just one or the other of us."
They look puzzled. "Why not both of you? Don't you love each other any more?"
I take a deep breath. How do I explain professional behaviour to two children?
"It's nothing like that. Jack and I are married. We live together. We do love each other. But this is where we work, and … for reasons you probably won't understand, we need to behave differently."
"You have to pretend you don't love each other?"
"Not quite. Well, at least, we need to not be obvious about it. Does that make sense?"
Two shaking heads make their view clear.
"Maybe I'll think of a better way to explain it. So, do you want to play? We could take some of the games back to your quarters?"
Since the kids were too tired last night and too hungry this morning, I suggest that they shower. They go into the bathroom one at a time after I've set the shower going, and emerge a short while later, red curls looking darker and tighter than usual. We settle down to play, working our way through the game a couple of times before Jack reappears.
We spend some time chatting, before we take them to eat, and follow that with a visit to the infirmary. Tesia greets the children, but seems oddly reluctant to touch either of them. I'm not sure how odd that is, until I see the look of disappointment that's mirrored on each of their faces.
It takes a while after the visit for Jack and me to cheer the children enough that we can consider leaving them for even a short while. When we get to that point, we take them to Teal'c's quarters to watch some TV with Jack and Teal'c while I go to speak to Janet.
"What did MacKenzie say?" I ask, as soon as I get her alone.
"He says she's probably clinically depressed, and recommends that she's given some time to recover physically. He'll see her every couple of days in the meantime to assess whether medication might help. For now, he's recommending a mild sedative to help her sleep at night if it's needed."
"That's it?"
"For now. He's reluctant to over-medicate until she's physically stable."
"She seems a bit … off with the twins."
"Her self-esteem is bound to be low, and it's possible she's feeling guilty for not protecting the children. She may even believe that she doesn't deserve them, and if that's so, especially if she's expecting them to somehow reject her, then she might be withdrawing in advance."
"But she's going to hurt them. How could she?"
"She's not being altogether rational for now. I've got her on a schedule of scans at regular intervals. I want to monitor her and pick up any differences immediately. I'll have to do something similar with the children, but I'm willing to decrease the frequency in their case. To that end, I'll have them in here again tomorrow for a full set of scans. Tesia's already had a second set today. In fact, I'm going to take a look just now. Want to come?"
"Sure," I agree. The truth is that I need to do something until my annoyance with Tesia has subsided. It won't do the kids any good to see how angry I am. Fortunately, Jack's better at hiding how he's feeling.
Janet looks at the various scans, going over each separately before comparing them with those from yesterday. She spends a lot of time looking at one of the brain scans, but finally decides that there's nothing to see. Obviously, she's more attuned to seeing things than I would be, but I have to admit that I can't see anything out of the ordinary.
"I've arranged for Abby Derek to come in tomorrow. It'll probably be late – she already has a full day tomorrow, but she knows I wouldn't be asking for her help unless it was important. I suggest that the initial sessions are short, and carried out with either you or Jack present. As soon as they're comfortable with her, she'll make more progress without you."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. If there's something traumatic they need to talk about, they might be worried about upsetting you and Jack. They may try to protect you."
"But that's …"
"A possibility. One we need to avoid."
"But … how can we help them if we don't know what happened to them?"
"Under normal circumstances, Tesia would be informed. However, depending on her capacity to be responsible for them, someone else might have to be appointed their guardian. As things stand, you and Jack would be the most likely choices. But, we're a way from having to make that decision."