Chapter Twenty five
[Jade]
The afternoon-sun lies low on the firmament, more orange and bright than during summers, almost as if it has grown and come closer. Like if it slowly crept closer inch by inch beginning sometime after mid July. And now it is close enough to scald the bare trees along the sidewalk. The sun throws a warm light over the road covered in colored leafs, like mosaic, all tiles in the same red color scale. I take a deep breath and for once I feel like I can relax. I don't know where Tori is taking me. But I am satisfied with the fact that we are moving away from the school, away from town and away from Beck. I don't know where I am, all I know is that we took the bus. I fell asleep and Tori dragged me off with eagerness as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.
I look over at Tori, who walks quiet and peaceable by my side. She looks absently at the leaves covering the road in front of our feet. Her handbag is hanging around her left arm and in it I can hear liquid, inside what sounds like a glass bottle.
I cross my arms over my chest. "You've got everything?" I walk into her shoulder and push her teasingly as a small laugh escapes me. I know what she carries, I followed her into the supermarket and, together, we bought all the things we found necessary for our little afternoon-trip.
A smile creeps across her lips. "Don't worry, I've got it all." She elbows my bag, which I flung over my shoulder on the go when we escaped the school building. "Have you got something in there?"
"You'll see." I smile mischievously and look across at her.
She lifts her eyebrows in suspicion. "I didn't suspect that. I just asked in the matter of formality."
"What's formal and polite about asking about other people's content in their bags?"
She purses her lips and pegs her eyes to the ground as she mutters "Just shut up, will you." with a hint of laughter behind her words.
Our walk continues in quietness. All I can hear is how the sound of cars fades away and is replaced by the soft, chilly, autumn-wind blowing and shaking the branches of the trees. Somewhere inside me excitement builds up. I have felt so bad for treating Tori so horrible these last couple of days that I now, more than ever, want to make up for it… even though I know it will lead to me hurting Beck instead. But I am still sure, nothing has changed, I love Tori.
All of a sudden I see from the corners of my eyes how she disappears. I look to my side and find that she is no longer there. So my eyes go from side to side in a desperate attempt to catch sight of her.
"Jade, over here!"
I look back and slightly down and on the other side of a low, deep ditch, by the side of the road, I see her. She waves at me with a cheerful countenance.
"Come!"
I eye the ditch skeptically. "No, no. I'm going that way!" Something about a dark-brownish string of water running through a ditch makes me want to go back a few steps instead of taking a leap and jump over it. The water itself looks like thick, muddy glue and I don't feel like ruining my combat boots in case I fall or take a misstep.
Tori rolls her eyes before she jumps over the ditch with ease with a shaking head and a smile on her lips. "Yes you are." And with that she comes up to me and takes my hand, looks up at me with a proud smirk before she takes off towards the ditch.
My hand in hers sets off a goofy smile that I can't do anything about. So when we have crossed the trench (without failing, thankfully) I definitely understand why Tori mimics my grin, looking even more idiotic.
I grip her hand tighter, afraid that she is going let go now when her helping hand has done its job. As I tighten my grip she squeezes back without a look, her eyes seem to be set up high in the air.
"Are we there yet?" I ask.
She turns to me and nods forward "Yeah, just up that hill."
I sigh but take a steadier grip of Tori's hand as we begin to climb the hill together. It's not that high but still.
We end up on the top. I look around myself, trees surrounding us except for a opening that reveals a scarp. I walk to the edge and I can see Hollywood spread out below. I turn around to Tori who now stands by my side and looks out the city too. "We are on the Hollywood Hills." I say, still looking out. It is a statement not a question. And Tori seems to notice that, because she doesn't say anything.
We lay down a blanket on the grass that once was bright green but is now turning a faded greenish color. I sit down on the edge of the rectangular piece of fabric and look out over Hollywood as the sun sets behind us, leaving the city in deep orange. Tori opens her handbag and digs in it. From it she takes out a glass bottle filled with apple juice, two sandwiches and a bag of chips.
Tori picks up a sandwich, leans back on her hand, takes a bite and chew thoughtfully. I do the same and alternate between eating my sandwich and taking a sip from the juice bottle.
"So this is the place only we know of?" I ask casually. "I bet someone has been here before." I add flippantly and laugh.
"I thought it would be nice, so stop that!" Tori moves closer to me on the blanket and nudges me in my ribs. "… and I thought… it would be sort of… romantic…" I look at her as she blushes and tries to drown her words in apple juice.
She is so lovely I can't believe it. We sit in silence and finish our sandwiches. (Well I finish mine. Tori is a bit slow when it comes to eating.)
"My parents took me here when I was younger. We used to have our family picnics here at least once a month… Well, that until they divorced." I say absently. I look out over the city that begins to light up as the sun disappears and leaves me and Tori in darkness.
I look back at Tori who looks emotionally at me. The thoughts are difficult to think so I push them away and give her a smile before I open my own handbag. "I brought my own party to our little picnic." I pull out a bottle of red wine, a Swiss army knife and a joint together with a lighter.
"Jade!" Tori is appalled and she turns her whole body towards me.
"Yes?" I ask as I put one end of the joint to my mouth. "Do you want one?" I mumble out with the joint dangling from between my teeth.
I glance up at Tori from my project of opening the wine bottle. Her eyes are wide and for a moment she looks startled. But then she begins to vigorously shake her head. "No!"
"Okay, sure." I continue with my mission.
The wine cork pops up and I put the cork and the knife back into my handbag. Satisfied I take a sip and place the bottle down between me and Tori. "You can have if you'd like." I take out the joint from my mouth and make a gesture towards the wine bottle.
Tori doesn't reply.
My lips hold the joint, and with my hand I create a shield from the breeze, as I use my other hand to light it. I feel how the worries fade away and calm fills me with each inhale through the roll.
"I didn't even know you smoked…" Tori says in a low voice.
"Well, there's only so much people know about me. I have a problem with trusting others." I blow out a puff of white smoke. "…But you know most of them all."
"Even…"
"…more than Beck." I finish her sentence with a calm voice.
"Thanks." She says and I can feel the weight of her head on my shoulder.
"For what?"
"For trusting me."
I look out the view and notice that it has become chilly in the air. Hollywood looks like a glowing sea of light from here. I looks wonderful… I hear how Tori takes a sip from the wine before she moves closer to me and wraps herself in the ends of the blanket.
"I'm sorry…" I say in a low voice.
I turn to look at her and meet her questioning gaze.
"I really am, for everything. I never meant to hurt you."
Tori smiles a soft smile before she says "Don't, really. Stop apologizing. I know you were as confused as I was… or am." She laughs. "But I just wonder where this will end…"
I take a deep breath. "I'm just so scared…" My voice cracks. "I love you, I really think I do Tori. But I don't know if I can leave Beck, I'm so scared of letting go… I don't even know what love is." My eyes become watery and I look up, at star covered sky, to prevent them to flood down my cheeks.
"I love you Jade, and you know that. But not deciding will eventually hurt everyone involved." Her voice is filled with tears.
I put the joint back into my mouth and it crackles quietly as I inhale through it once more. Careless or carefree, I'd go for carefree. But I know that Tori is right. I can't continue doing like this, acting this way. I'm hurting and getting hurt. And if I decide we could all continue with the consequences, which will come up, instead of treading water...
"I love you Tori." I say to the stars that shine down on us.
Tori's turns my head to face her with a gentle hand. Her hand holds my chin and with her other hand she takes the joint out of my mouth and puts it in hers. She burns it up with one inhale and then she presses the cigarette butt down into the damp grass. Her eyes look straight into mine and then she leans in. Without thinking I lean in too and our lips lock. She tastes like a mixture of sweet wine and smoke. I follow her body as she takes support on the ground.
She breaks free and looks at me with dark eyes. I want to kiss her again she looks so tempting. Like a bowl of prohibited candy. "I love you too." Her voice is thin and she lies down with her head in my lap.
I take a sip of wine and look down at the beauty in my lap in the darkness. She looks out over the ocean of light-dots. My head is airy and I can smell the wet grass. The silence and the cool night air remind me of how perfect this moment is. If I could I would like to freeze it and put it in a picture, saved with smell, feeling and thoughts. I feel how Tori moves in my lap and I look down at her to find that she looks up at me.
Nothing can stop me, I just lean in. I need to taste her lips one more time. I need to feel her love and show her mine. I bend forward and my inside sparks up, barely by the touch of her soft lips…
I open my eyes with a foggy mind. I try to move my arm to massage my temples but it is stuck. Panic! I don't remember getting stuck, oh God! I turn to look at my arm to reassure myself that it's still there. And it is… but with Tori's head resting on it. She is still sleeping. Her face looks pale in the morning sun that brings me back to life. I use my free hand to check the clock on my cell phone. 07:48. I yawn. I see how Tori blinks against the light.
"Good morning sleepyhead." I kiss her on her nose. At that she smiles wearily at me.
I observe as she reaches for the sky with her hands with a deep breath filling her lungs.
Together we pack our things and head back to the bus stop to go back to school. Let's tackle the Friday.
Before we reach the school building Tori gives me a kiss, which sends chills along my back, and gives me a heavy smile. "The last one… But please, decide soon." With those words the bus comes to a halt and Tori gets off.
I take a deep breath before I follow her, a few steps behind, to the school. I probably look like a caveman. But who cares.
When I walk in through the doors I see how Beck stands by my locker. Memories from last night pop up in my mind and I can't stand to think about how I betrayed him. It hurts to even look at him. So I turn away my gaze and head straight to class, avoiding him with all of my might.
A/N: I have, responsibly, changed the rating to M due to the use of drugs and alcohol in this chapter.
Reviews are as always very much appreciated.
Side note: Some of you understood how clever I was in the last chapter, by using a song Liz covered. I wasn't sure if you knew (but obviously someone did).