Summary: Hawke rebounded to Anders years ago in attempt to get back at Fenris. But she later starts to have a serious relationship with the mage. Unfortunately, years later she finds that Anders used her to get into the chantry and build a bomb for his plans of mage liberation. She thwarts his plans and breaks up with him. Weeks after their breakup, Hawke is ushered by Aveline to go see Anders because she had banned him from joining the rest of her friends like normal. Hawke agrees to invite Anders back and make amends with him for the sake of her friends. However, when she goes to the clinic Anders tries to get back together with her, accidentally unleashes Justice, and almost rapes her. Hawke tells Anders she will try her hardest to procure a cure for Anders, but is not sure if things will ever go back to the way they were. She leaves, slightly shaken by what just happened. Meanwhile, unknown to both her and Anders, Fenris had been outside the clinic and witnessed the whole ordeal.

Chapter 25: The Weight of my Words

It went without saying that the first thing Fenris thought to do - after seeing Hawke leave Anders' clinic with her face ashen and pale as a ghost - was to walk into the clinic right there and then… and smash Anders' face into the cold, brick wall was hard as he could.

He would smash Anders' skull into the wall numerous times until it cracked open.

He would cut Anders limb from limb and watch the pitiful mage crawl like a dog before him.

He would even rip out his tongue and make it impossible for Anders to ever recite his poisonous spells, or even worse - his never-ending tirade of sermons on mage liberation. All it had ever been was a pile of useless bullshit anyway.

Fenris had waited long enough for this moment, and he couldn't give a nug's ass if he would get in trouble for it. Maker help him, if he could just go in there and…

He was out for blood. No, even more than that.

He not only wanted to kill the abomination, but he also wanted to make him suffer. He wanted Anders to suffer more so than Hawke did when her mother died. More so than that time Hawke was injured by the Arishok. More so than Fenris did when he thought Hawke was dying from the aftermath of that fight. More so than Fenris did when he received his markings, and more than Hawke was suffering at the current moment.

He wanted to make Anders bleed out and feed him to a hungry pack of mabari hounds.

Oh, how he yearned to grab Anders by the neck, throw the abomination into the ground, punch his face with his spiky gauntlets until it was a bloody mess, and then proceed to kill Anders by impaling the mage through the heart with his own staff!

It would all be so easy for Fenris.

He was sure he could take on Anders alone if needed. Maker, he thought at some point during his eavesdropping that he would have to. He even had his fingers curled around the handle of his broadsword, about to kick down the door, burst into the clinic, and pierce Anders right in the stomach…. but Hawke had managed to save herself from Anders' fierce advances, much to Fenris' relief (and dismay, now that he thought about it).

Of course after she had left, Fenris was still stuck in his own fury. He stood there, his sweaty, white fists trembling against the wall, clenched around his blade, which was shaking out of its sheathe, and his brows so furrowed into an anguished, angry demeanor that if he continued on as he was, Fenris thought he'd have a permanent frown for the rest of his life.

Fucking mages!

There was nothing he could do that was within reason and logic. There was nothing he could do to help Hawke feel better, and it only hurt more to know that she still wanted to help Anders. It hurt him to know that there was a part of her that still harbored feelings for a man who, minutes ago, tried to force himself upon her, and who wanted to kill innocent people in order to free mages.

Never in his life - including that of his life in Tevinter - had Fenris felt so angry, so agonized, and so besieged by his own thoughts. Maker, he knew once he had escaped from Danarius that he had never really shared the meek and submissive mentality of most slaves in Tevinter. For one, he could barely control himself when it came to strong, intense emotions. Maker, how he managed to ever stay a slave under Danarius for so long surprised him.

But Fenris wanted to scream as hard as he could.

Fucking mages!

Fucking mages!

Fucking mages!

Fenris took a long, deep breath in order to try calming himself down. But no matter what he did, his heart would not stop thumping, his head would not stop aching, and his fists would not stop shaking. Beads of sweat dripped down his face. He was beyond furious.

He needed to get out of here, quick.

Before he did something he knew he might regret.

Managing to pull himself away from the clinic, he felt his heart twist in pain, knowing Anders was just on the other side… he could end it all right now. He could end that miserable abomination's life right there and then. Only then would Hawke not have to worry, and Fenris would not have to suffer looking at the atrocious face of that self-righteous mage.

Maker, he wanted to… so badly.

But instead, Fenris stalked away from the clinic, making sure Hawke was nowhere in sight, and then slowly stomped his way up towards Lowtown.

Venhedis!

Every fiber of his lyrium-dowsed being begged him to finally follow through with his long, burning desire to wring Anders' neck. But the thought of Hawke, what she would think if Fenris did so, and the words of conviction and determination she had just spoken to the mage before she left, forced Fenris to step away. Although he couldn't fathom exactly why he chose to deny himself the pleasure of delivering Anders' well-deserved death-sentence, something deep in his heart told him that he would regret it if he followed through with his gut instinct. For Hawke's sake, the abomination had to be spared.

Yet as Fenris stalked away from that clinic in Darktown, he found himself trudging through the dirt slowly like an ox. His feelings were clouded and muddled. A voice in the back of his head continually praised him for being 'the better man' in the situation, a concept Aveline had tried instilling in him several times in the past. Fortunately, Fenris was beginning to attempt grasping at the idea and it made him feel a little bit better. In fact, as he walked up the stairs and traveled through the dark slums, his pace quickened to a normal state and he made his way to the Hanged Man.

However, his fury was far from spent. The idea of Anders rejoining them made him angry still, if not more - as if that were even possible! Why, the mage had tried to kill everyone with his cursed magic! When Fenris heard what Anders had done, he had considered punching Anders despite Hawke managing to pry his hands off of her. How could Hawke have invited such a horrible, despicable man after what he had just tried to do to her?

No… Anders was not even a man anymore. He was a monster.

What was Hawke thinking, inviting him to join them still?

Fenris frowned as he entered the Hanged Man, scanning the crowded pub for a certain comrade. The usual mid-noon crowd hung around, yet Fenris could not find who he was looking for. This was surprising, as he knew assumed that Isabela would be the first he would see.

"Varric's not in right now, elf." The bartender told him as he approached.

"The wench." Fenris said hotly. "Where is she?"

"She's not here anymore." The bartender replied quite nonchalantly, used to Fenris' angry demeanor. He wiped some of the soap off one of his mugs and set it down on its rack. "She was here an hour ago, but I think she went to Hightown after a few drinks. No doubt where that one's headed!" He grinned.

Fenris let out a frustrated groan, pushing himself away from the countertop and marching out the pub door immediately. Venhedis!

At least the bartender was right; there was no doubt where that whore of a pirate was headed. If both Fenris and Hawke were out and Varric was not at the Hanged Man, there was only one place Isabela would ever bother up in Hightown - The Blooming Rose. Of course, it didn't take a genius to figure that one out.

He climbed up yet another flight of stairs, at this point growing tired and annoyed of walking and stomping around Kirkwall. Although his marching had allowed him to let off some steam, constantly thinking about what just happened only seemed to counter that improvement.

But Fenris didn't care; he wanted to be angry. He had every right. If the ground broke through to the center of the world due to his heavy stomping and marching, then to the void they would all go! Fenris didn't give a damn. He was not going to lie to himself; half of him was angry at Hawke for not telling anyone. As much as Fenris hated worrisome, overly-responsible paragons, he hated seeing Hawke keep everything inside even more. She was usually only open to certain people - namely, Varric. But as he knew already, Hawke had not told a soul of this grand plot.

Perhaps if he hadn't abandoned her after their first night together, Fenris and Hawke might have actually become close friends - maybe Fenris would have even rivaled Varric for the title of being Hawke's 'best mate'. But the growing rift between Hawke and Fenris was inevitable and appeared as quick as the dawn that morning when he left her, half-naked in bed. After that, Hawke seldom spoke to Fenris at all about herself. Maybe if she did have someone like him to talk to, Fenris would have known about this terrorism sooner?

No… that theory was not plausible. After all, Hawke told Varric everything for the past five years but had neglected to tell the dwarf the details to one of the most important events of her life - her break-up with Anders, was a big deal in itself. Fenris had to admit that the pirate wench had a point last night: The fact that Hawke had not consoled Varric about Anders was the very reason why Fenris knew this was a big dilemma. And now he knew what this 'big dilemma' was.

Bam.

Fenris kicked down the door before him as if he were back in the clinic and he was imagining Anders behind it, cowering in fear as the glowing Tevinter fugitive approached.

"You were right!"

"Fenris!" Isabela exclaimed, turning as the door to her room at the Blooming Rose flung open. "A little privacy here?! I'm sort of busy, you daft elf!"

The pirate sat, half-naked from the waist up, on top of a rather burly-looking male companion, obviously a worker at the brothel. Lying beside her quite nonchalantly was Jethann, Isabela's favorite elven worker at the brothel. Jethann's chin rested on his relaxed palm, watching Isabela grind herself on top of his co-worker in bed. From the way it looked in the room, the floor, and the bed - it was obvious both men were unclothed under those rather thin sheets, and that they were ...

Fenris frowned. If this was under different circumstances, he would've rolled his eyes at her and then closed the door immediately to wait for her to finish her business, but he was far too angry and impatient for that right now. After all, they were at the Blooming Rose. What did he expect?

"Get out." He motioned to the two men, his tattoos flashing still.

"What? Hey! You can't tell them to leave! I paid good coin for them!" Isabela whined. "What's gotten up your ass today anyway?" She asked. The man she was on top of snickered as she said this, and she playfully shoved him, smirking.

Fenris growled and stomped towards Isabela, pulling her halfway off the bed, away from her boys. He forced her to look at him as he spoke. He gripped her forearm tightly as he spoke: "We need to talk. It's about Hawke." He told her. "Remember what you mentioned to me last night? It's about that. Now get your prostitutes out of here before I do so myself."

Isabela paused, her face stern suddenly. She sighed dejectedly, nodded and then turned to the two men lying on her bed.

"Well boys, looks like you'll owe me." She told them, throwing them their shirts and pants from the floor. "It seems I've got other plans today."

"Aw, no fair." They said as they clamored to get their clothes on. Jethann opened his mouth to say more, but immediately closed it as Fenris made it a point to glare at the two men until they left, barely dressed as they clamored out the door.

The door closed behind them. Isabela shook her head in regret.

"So?" Isabela sat near her now empty bed, grabbing her own blouse. "What's going on? I take it everything went well and Hawke didn't see you?"

"No, she didn't." Fenris replied, his flashing tattoos fading away. "But she did know something was up. I think she was expecting you to follow her, not me. Otherwise, I would have been spotted even easier."

"How in the Void could she have missed your white hair in a crowd? Oh Hawke, you're getting rusty… Anyway, good thing we threw her off then." Isabela grinned mischievously. "So what did you find out? What situation is so dire that you needed to interrupt my midday feast?"

"I need your help. Anders needs to be dealt with." Fenris said in a hasty, dark tone, ignoring her last remark. "Now."

"What do you mean, 'dealt with'?" Her eyebrows rose as she pulled the white cloth over her breasts. She didn't even wear a breast band. Her hardened nipples bled through the thin fabric easily. Yet Fenris remained unfazed and uninterested. After all, there was nothing he hadn't seen already.

"I'm going to kill him. Tonight." Fenris told her. "I'm going to need your help in case he-"

"What?! Wait a minute, Fenris. Do you hear yourself? Look at this! Why, you're shaking! Calm down, you fool…."

"No! You didn't see… or hear… what I heard just now."

"Well? What did you hear?"

"They were talking."

"Well yes." Isabela rolled her eyes. "That's why Hawke went to Anders in the first place - to talk. They need to straighten things out, remember?"

"No, that's not it." Fenris grimaced, not sure if he could even utter the words.

"You'll have to be more specific than that, I'm afraid." Isabela rolled her eyes again. "People talk all the time. We're 'talking' right now. Ugh, and this better be good, Fenris."

"Anders forced himself on her."

"WHAT?!" Isabela jumped out of her seat immediately. "What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean?" Fenris asked angrily.

Isabela blinked once - twice. "I just… I just never pegged Anders for the aggressive type. Are you sure? Maybe you heard wrong!"

"I heard just fine." Fenris said bitterly through his teeth. "He's a mage. What did you expect? I knew that he was a-"

"Oh, stop harping on mages for a second, will you?"

"This is different!"

"You don't like Anders; we get it." Isabela sighed. "So? What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"What? You just let it happen?! Was Hawke….?"

"It was over before I unsheathed my blade and was about to barge in." Fenris explained. "At first it was Justice threatening her, but she managed to talk Anders back to his senses. But then he just kept being pathetic and begging her to take him back. When she told him she couldn't he just grabbed her and she was almost…." Fenris let out a deep breath, not wanting to say the words. "…By him…"

"Well, Andraste's flaming ass, at least nothing happened!"

"No." Fenris said shortly. "Something did happen. And now I know why Hawke doesn't want us to know about it."

"What? What is it?"

"You were right." Fenris told Isabela. "Hawke was hiding something… something big. I'm not sure how to phrase it because they didn't say specifically what he was planning but…"

"Well? Spit it out then!"

"The mage wanted to get us all killed." Fenris told her, the spite and contempt fuming in his eyes. He had started stomping about the room in circles, trying to calm himself down but finding it uncontrollably hard not to punch something.

"Killed? What for? Has he gone completely mad? What was he trying to do?"

"I couldn't hear all of it, so not everything is clear." Fenris told her, frustrated beyond belief. "But from what I understand, Anders was using Hawke and the Chantry for some sort of experiment that might jeopardize the whole city by killing a lot of innocent people in Kirkwall. She's in danger - and so are we."

"We're in danger? Not just the Templars?"

"No. Not just the Templars." Fenris repeated through his teeth.

"Because if it were just Templars I would understand his vendetta."

"There is no reasonable excuse for his malicious intent." Fenris told her, frowning. "He wanted to kill all the people here; you, me, and everyone in the Chantry."

"But why the Chantry?"

"How should I know? That's where his maleficar blood magic was centered though, I think."

"Nonsense, Anders wouldn't do blood magic. He's not that stupid."

"He was stupid enough to try raping Hawke." Fenris muttered. "Maybe he's stupid enough to go hang around Merril too. They ought to be best friends now." He said in a vicious, sarcastic voice.

"Well, what do we do if Anders' is trying to kill us? Maker, I knew he had a few screws loose, but murder? That's not something I would have ever imagined him to do." Isabela shook her head. "Well - good thing is: if we know anything about Hawke, it's that she would never allow anything like this to happen."

"Hawke put a stop on it apparently, but who knows for sure."

"I'm sure Hawke would know." Isabela replied. "Should we ask her face to face?"

Fenris was silent and let out a long, deep breath.

"Do you think she'll talk to us about it?"

"No." Fenris replied in a more calming manner. He was trying to let out the fire still burning in his chest, slowly. "She's too hurt about him to talk about it. And she promised him she wouldn't."

"Oh, but promises are meant to be broken, Fenris." Isabela winked.

"Not for Hawke." Fenris said. "And not for me either. She hasn't broken this one she made to Anders, and I don't think it'll be easy to convince her into doing so. As much as I hate to say this, I understand her predicament even though I don't support her secrecy about this to us."

"She still cares for him." Isabela nodded.

Fenris scowled. "She wants to help him extinguish that Fade spirit, Justice! As if doing so would cure him of being an abomination!" He scoffed. "It doesn't matter; Anders still has the upper hand. We'll never know what he's up to… the conniving bastard! Do not make light of this, pirate - this is a real problem."

"I suppose it's time to get our hands dirty then." Isabela said, shaking her head again and jumping off the bed. Her boots landed on the hard wood floor with a tap. "It's time we saved Hawke and helped her out instead of it being the opposite."

"What do you mean?" Fenris eyed her questionably. "You are always trying to mix me into your outrageous schemes, pirate wench, as if I were your toy. While I agree it helped this time, if this next one sounds stupid, I'm going to -"

"Oh Fenris, you can't back down now! After all, you are going to have to be the main lead again, my handsome elf." Isabela said, placing one hand on Fenris' shoulder, giving him a friendly pat and winking. "Besides, it's simple: You're going to have to make Hawke tell you herself."

Isabela opened the door to the room and stepped out. Fenris followed her and the two made their way down the Blooming Rose steps. Lots of heads turned to see this couple leave - most of Kirkwall knew they were frequently seen with Hawke, their Champion, but still Fenris did not feel particularly happy about being seen at the Blooming Rose with Isabela. If word got out about this and Hawke heard… he would have some explaining to do.

"I knew it. I knew you had something stupid in mind." Fenris said angrily at Isabela. "How is that even a plan? You say it as though it is so easy, but it is not! Hawke is not going to tell me anything about Anders, or what happened between them. For one, she needs time. She is clearly not over him completely. Even a blind mabari can tell."

"Exactly," Isabela replied. "All you need to do is wait patiently."

"We don't have the time for that." Fenris frowned. "For all we know, the bloody mage could already have been performing another ritual to re-enact what Hawke prevented. Worse, he might try to hurt her again and I won't let that happen a second time! Anders used her once already to try his filthy magic on the city. What if he tries to mix her deeper into his schemes this time? What if he tries a blood ritual and needs Hawke as his sacrifice? Maker, just thinking about it is making me nauseous…"

"Then stop thinking about it!"

Fenris ignored her, and continued: "He's a liability. He's a monster! I don't give a damn about your stupid schemes, Isabela. To the void with waiting on Hawke to come clean - who knows how long that will take! Unless you plan on leaving town in the next month, we need to get rid of the mage. Now."

Isabela and Fenris stepped out of the Rose, the sunlight hitting the ground before them. Fenris found the sunlit ground to be warm on his toes, and much more comfortable to walk in. The carpet on the Rose was soft, but lacked the warmth of more natural substances.

"Why can't you be patient and trust me? Don't be too hasty." Isabela told him as they walked and Fenris explained what he heard more to her. "Hawke will come around on her own terms, but doing something rash like beating Anders to a bloody pulp - I know you want to do that, sweetling - but you're going to have to resist. It'll be hard, I know, but-"

"You are not making any sense." Fenris said furiously at her. "You would rather have a man like that run free? This is the exact reason I ran from Tevinter! Andraste help me, I don't even know why I came to speak with you! You are not my master, and I can do as I please!"

"I never said I was anything like that, Fenris!" Isabela hushed him. Well, perhaps in her fantasy bedroom, she might have been his master, indeed...

"How many times do I have to tell you? He is a threat." Fenris repeated, not noticing her eying him up and down (if he did notice, he chose to ignore it). "He's a threat. He's dangerous; not only to me, but to you as well, to everyone here - everyone around us. As long as he remains, Kirkwall is not safe. Hawke is not safe."

"You've over exaggerating." Isabela said. "Anders loves Hawke just as much as you do."

Fenris cringed and turned to Isabela, glaring at her ferociously. How could she say those words directly to his face? How could she declare such things before him, especially after what Fenris had just heard and experienced? His rage had yet to die down, and his dark thoughts only multiplied by the second.

"Do not - ever - say that again." He hissed at her through his teeth.

"No need to be hostile, Fenris." Isabela frowned. "From what you told me, Anders had kept a promise to Hawke too. It's been what - a few weeks since they broke up? If Anders were to re-enact his ritual, he could have easily done so already. But it's been a whole month: The fact that he hasn't done anything means that he values what Hawke and he had - he still has feelings for her. He values the promise they made. She is his soft spot. She is what's holding him back from sabotaging the city. She is his only hope. I think Hawke sees that too."

"Do not try to appeal to romantic ideas, Isabela. I'm in no mood. Why are you so insistent on his side anyway? Do you secretly harbor some deep connection with him? Do you plan on plotting against us with him?" Fenris argued angrily.

"I'm not siding with him or corroborating with him! You're being ridiculous!" Isabela protested. "Let's just be rational about this -"

"Rational? This coming from a pirate?"

"Now is not the time to mock me, Fenris." She warned him, her fuse growing short.

"You are being stupid."Fenris insisted curtly. "Are you mad? If we don't deal with him ourselves, I say we should send him to the Gallows! You would let the mage walk around, knowing all about his malicious intents?"

"Yes, I would." Isabela told him, staring right back at him. "You know why? Because Anders still has a chance to regain his sanity, and Hawke wants to help him. She believes in him - you heard it yourself, did you? Why are you so eager to ignore her words? Do they mean nothing to you? I thought you loved Hawke - then why not respect her words? Honestly you foolish elf, do you think that by killing Anders she'll be happy?"

"More so than she is now, I assure you."

"No. You don't be stupid, Fenris." Isabela told him, glowering. "What are you going to do afterwards then, hmm? After you hypothetically destroy the mage and get rid of him, what do you expect of Hawke? Do you think she'll be overjoyed or relieved? Do you expect her to thank you for doing her a service? Do you even know what she's going through right now, Fenris? You think she'll just turn to you afterwards and everything will be okay?"

"No, I-"

"You think that by getting rid of Anders, she'll magically forget about all the pain between the two of them and turn to you instead? And you'll be able to settle down and start a new life together?" Isabela said this with immense sarcasm, her eyes flashing at Fenris in a most daring manner.

"I never said that." Fenris said in a lower tone.

"Of course you didn't." Isabela replied, turning away.

They walked down some steps, the sun still bathing them in its warmth. Fenris had a lot to mull over, it seemed. He would have never thought in a billion years that Isabela would have to be the one to talk some sense into him. Why, she was a pirate wench! She had once abandoned then and carried the Tome of Koslun all the way out to sea before deciding on a whim to return to help!

He swallowed and looked down at his feet.

Still, Isabela had a point.

Half of him felt glad she had talked some sense into him, but the other half was still brimming with anger to wring Anders' neck and tear the healer inside out. Fenris knew Hawke had gone to Anders for comfort once before because of Fenris' own lack of confidence and trust. He, Fenris, had been the one to drive Hawke her off to the mage. Every time he thought about it, he made his heart sink and he felt terrible.

Once upon a time, for a split second, Fenris had thought that Anders may have really been the one for Hawke, despite Fenris' blatant disapproval. Anders had a way with words that Fenris struggled to achieve. Anders could tell Hawke right from the start what she wanted to hear. The mage was direct and honest with his honeyed words. He was also kind and friendly. It made sense then, for Anders the healer, to be the one Hawke ran to for mending her broken heart.

Isabela had more than one fair point.

Killing Anders would only make Hawke more depressed… and angry at Fenris. It was what Fenris longed to do… but it would only make things worse. If Fenris really trusted Hawke… respected her… loved her… then he would value her wishes and not do a thing… yet.

"What do you want me to do then?!" Fenris asked her in anguish.

It was as if there was no way out. Nothing could make it feel better. There was nothing anyone or anything could do to make the twist in his stomach untangle, nothing in the world could make his head stop hurting, and no one could make his burning, heated, anger in his heart melt away. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take this. At that moment, Fenris felt as though the spirit of Justice had inhabited him as well.

"I told you already: Stand still and let Hawke come to you." Isabela instructed. "I know the woman more than she probably knows herself. She'll come to you when the time is right. All you have to do is be patient and wait, Fenris. Can't you do that…? For her sake?"

Fenris let out a loud exhale, his chest still roaring and his heartbeat still trying to decrease slowly. Begrudgingly, like a child, he nodded at her, looking away.

"That's better." Isabela smiled. "Trust me on this one. Hawke won't let Anders just-"

"Well, if it isn't my favorite brooding elf and Rivain beauty!"

A loud voice cut Isabela off and she immediately shut up in alarm, afraid that it might have been someone they didn't know, eavesdropping. Of course, when the dwarf came walking towards them, Bianca clanging behind him on his back, both their faces were washed over with a sense of relief.

"What's the matter?" Varric raised an eyebrow to them, staring at their faces. "You two look like you've seen a ghost. What were you talking so heatedly about?" He grinned.

"Something you need to know about. Urgently," Fenris told the dwarf. "It's about Hawke."

"Well, you know I'm always ready to write another chapter, Broody." Varric winked. "If it's about your 'reading and writing' date with Hawke, count me in on the retelling tonight. You never told me the full story last time. Don't think I forgot about it!"

"No. You won't be writing this chapter." Fenris said firmly, to which Varric responded with a raised brow.

"This is a private matter," Isabela explained. "It's about what I said I suspected last night. Do you remember, or were you too drunk?"

"Actually, you know what? I might not want to know." Varric said quickly.

"Why not?" Fenris raised an eyebrow. "You should want to know. It's a dangerous situation and we need everyone to-"

"Oh no." Varric held up his hands and started backing away. "No, no, no. Not me, Broody. I know that look - it's something classified and unpleasant, isn't it? I'll admit, I wanted to know about their break-up as much as you and Rivaini here did, but I don't want to know about anything unless it's from Hawke's mouth. I don't want to know anything that might make things… awkward."

"What? That's insane! Why are you so reluctant on hearing this?" Fenris frowned.

"This is rather unusual for you, Varric." Isabela shifted her weight. "You're telling me that you're willing to give up a nice, juicy detail for your story? What will your readers think?"

"He's not writing this part down, Isabela." Fenris insisted crossly.

"I know I know… my readers will be disappointed." Varric agreed. "And while I admit that you've got me intrigued, if it's one thing I've continually boasted about in Kirkwall over the years, it's the huge amount of respect I have for our leader and Champion. I'm not about to go back on my words and hear something I'd rather not want to know about."

"Well, I respect her just as much as you, but that doesn't-"

"Broody, listen to me here," Varric held up his hand to stop Fenris. "Hawke has come to me on several occasions and we've shared many a drink. What she tells me, she knows for certain that she wouldn't mind me sharing to the world. She trusts me, and she goes to me whenever she's in a bind. Yes, I still don't know why she and Blondie had to seclude themselves from each others' lives. You know me: I have eyes all over the city, but I haven't figured this one out. But even though I don't know what happened between them… unless Hawke comes to me first I'm not about to open a can of worms that the woman can't handle."

"But this situation involves all of us, dwarf," Fenris snarled. "You can't possibly ignore such dire circumstances! Its consequences are beyond heavy. I assure you, you'll want to know."

"I'm sure," Varric replied with conviction. "I don't want to know about it unless Hawke is ready to tell us herself. I trust her judgment, even if it's a terrible catastrophe and may be a bad decision to not tell us on her part."

"Then you are a fool, dwarf," Fenris said angrily.

"You can call me what you want, but Hawke's privacy deserves all of our respect." Varric said. "I don't want to know what you two did to get whatever knowledge it is you have, but I'm not going to go around prying in Hawke's business. That woman can be scary when angered. You should know." Varric pointed out, raising his brow.

"You write stories about her," Fenris rolled his eyes. "Yet you claim that you don't want to pry around in her business? Does that make any sense to you?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Broody." Varric told Fenris. "Hawke's love life is her business. While I like to write about it, I only record what she's told me, although give or take I add in a few story-enhancing details, I nevertheless keep it as authentic as possible."

"You should want to know about this!"

"No. I already explained myself to you two. I have boundaries, you know. I mean, call me a blighted, nug-humping fool if you want, but Hawke's privacy about her personal life is the limit for me. I don't want to be a part of it unless she tells me herself. She's always come to me to talk, and that's the way I'd rather keep it."

"Don't joke around; it's a serious matter," Isabela replied. "Are you sure you don't want to know? It might change your mind about Anders and-"

"That's exactly why I don't want to know." Varric smiled. "I'll wait until Hawke tells me herself and then be the judge on Blondie."

"There is not much to judge," Fenris muttered.

"Varric, I have to agree with Fenris," Isabela started.

"Clearly, I guessed as much." Varric nodded.

"But… I suppose Varric also has a point." Isabela turned to Fenris.

"What?" Fenris eyed her furiously.

Isabela sighed. "Let's not make rash decisions, Fenris."

"Rash decisions? What exactly does Broody want to do with Blondie this time?"

"I thought you didn't want to know," Fenris muttered again.

Varric ignored him.

"He wants to kill him." Isabela told the dwarf. "Pretty badly, I might add."

"Eh, what's new?" Varric shrugged. "Doesn't Broody always want to kill Blondie?"

"Not like this time." Isabela shook her head.

"I'm not all talk, dwarf." Fenris said, his tattoos flashing in bright daylight. A few civilians turned and Isabela nudged Fenris. The tattoos stopped glowing, but the elf was still visibly angry. "I'm going to tear out his insides, wring his thin little neck, and-"

"Andraste's sweet flaming ass! You want to what?" Varric scratched his head. "I thought you'd want to just… you know, deliver a few punches here and there…"

"Still sure you don't want to know?" Fenris smirked darkly.

Varric frowned. "No. No, no, no. I don't want to know. Don't tell me." The dwarf paused, clearing his throat. "In any case, you two have to be at the Hanged Man today. Hawke mandates it. And as you know, Anders will be rejoining us tonight so I suggest the both of you prepare your 'let's all be nice and friendly' speeches," Varric eyed Fenris before continuing. "And keep your other ideas... to yourselves."

"I will not welcome an m-'

"Fine," Isabela shot Fenris a look. She then exhaled. "Fenris, come on. Let's just … let's just wait and see how tonight goes."

"I already know how well it will go." Fenris said sarcastically as he started stalking off the opposite direction of the dwarf and pirate. "Horribly."

"See you there then!" Varric called after him.

If it had been raining and dreary out, the mood would have been perfect for Hawke.

It would have reflected how her day was progressing so far, as well as her current mood.

Tears had started rolling down Hawke's cheeks as she lay in her bed, sprawled on her stomach with her arms curled around her softest pillow. She sniffled a little, and tried to make the knot in her chest dissolve. She hugged the pillow tighter, telling herself that at least she was doing a lot better than she had been four weeks ago when she first broke up with Anders. At least this wasn't as bad as she had been after Anders left the mansion officially, taking all of his stuff with him. That had perhaps felt the worst - because Hawke no longer had any memorabilia from the mage. She had even given Anders his necklace back. She was only left with memories in her mind now, and seeing Anders today only made those flash before her eyes.

Countless memories continued to haunt her like the plague, and she was not doing well in terms of trying to distract herself from it.

In particular, Hawke was thinking back on a certain memory that she remembered when she spotted one of Anders' unsorted boxes sitting on his desk. It was the single box of things that he had carried from her home back to his clinic, and it seemed like he never bothered to unpack it. Her seashell necklace sat at the top of the pile, shining at her as she stared back at it.

It hurt to see all his things laying alone in a box… All of those things she had grown familiar with over the years, and had touched each one at some point. All of those things she would never see in her home again, just like Anders. That necklace in particular, held a special memory for her, and it only broke her heart to see it again.

Long ago, on that one rainy day when Hawke stood at that bridge waiting for Anders to come meet her near the marketplace, he had forgotten and didn't remember until hours later; by that time, Hawke had been rescued from a potential cold by Fenris, and spent a lovely yet slightly awkward evening with the elf. She felt incredibly sad and disappointed when Anders never showed up, especially since her mother had just passed away. But at the end of the night, Anders had remembered and came knocking on the door of Fenris' mansion, taking Hawke away and desperately showering her with kisses in apology when they got back to the mansion. He even gave her a necklace he had made himself as an apology… using every seashell she had walked on from the Wounded Coast. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her.

Yet even without the necklace, Hawke could already tell that Anders had really meant it when he'd apologized… That was just the way he was, and it made her smile.

"I'm so sorry about today. I ruined everything, didn't I?"

"A little."

"Listen Hawke… I know a pretty necklace could never win your heart, but I just wanted you to know that I do think about you, and I'm terribly sorry for leaving you out there like that. I… I'm so embarrassed and angry at myself for doing that…"

"It's alright, Fenris kept me company."

"I don't care. I wanted to be the one to keep you company. I… I love you, Hawke."

".. Anders…"

"Do you… still love me?"

"I don't know Anders. You left me again… this time, out in the rain. You know I'm easy to appease in terms of forgiveness, but this is happens just too often. You barely come home and I practically never get to see you. I mean, we live together, for Maker's sake!"

"Hawke…"

"Perhaps it's best you left me alone for a while. That way, you won't have to trouble yourself with me and my needs…"

"Please don't say that to me. I love you. Doesn't that mean anything to you anymore?"

"Of course it does, but-"

"Hawke, I'm sorry. I know you're angry…"

"I am not as angry as I am disappointed and sad, Anders. I know you're busy and I try to be an understanding girlfriend, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me and expect to make everything alright. It doesn't work that way."

"Well, how does it work then?"

"I… I don't know; but not this way!"

"Well how about this: I love that you hate the cold and like to sleep in on rainy days. I love that you think my ideas on mage liberation can work for our cause. I love how cute you are when you're confused. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell you on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. I know I hurt you today, but I promise to make it up to you. Hawke, if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody; it would undoubtedly be you. I love you Eden Averia Hawke, with all my heart. Please - I know I probably don't deserve it, but can you ever find it within yourself to forgive me?"

"Anders…"

"I love you…"

"… Anders… ugh! You see? This is what you do to me every, single time! I can't believe I'm letting you get away with this again! I can't believe I let you do this to me every damn time! How? How can you make it so hard for me to love you, yet make it impossible for me to hate you at the same time? I hate you, Anders. I really do sometimes…"

"But…?"

"…."

"I love you, Hawke. You know that. Please forgive me."

"Fine! But you'll have to give me a million kisses to make up for it!"

"I will! A million kisses it is! You know what? Let's make that two million! Now tell me you'll forgive me and that you'll love me, or else!"

"Or else, what?"

"Or else you'll have to watch me cry like a little girl. I'll do it, you know! You think I'm joking? I'm not! I'll have you know that I'm a very sensitive man! I'm more than capable of such! Watch me! I'll do it, you know!"

As Hawke laid in her bedroom, the door closed and her servants downstairs minding their own businesses, she sat up slowly, wiping away her salty tears, trying to tell herself to knock it off.

But she couldn't help thinking about what happened just an hour ago.

What was she going to say to Anders in front of everyone else?

No one knew what had happened between her and Anders. In fact, she didn't even have a bogus story about what had happened in order to cover up for the truth. She and Anders never really talked about that. She had planned to talk about it when they met again, but after what happened today, she wasn't quite too keen on visiting him again at the clinic; at least, not alone.

Maker, what was she going to say?!

Her friends had been nice enough not to poke her with incessant questioning and prodding, so she never really thought about making up a story on her break-up with Anders. In fact, she preferred not to talk or think about it at all. But as Anders was rejoining the group, Hawke had a feeling that it was only a matter of time before the questions came. After all, Hawke only had so much time before it became obvious that she was through grieving about the mage. By then, she would have to have worked on her story-making skills quite a bit.

What was Anders going to say?

She found herself scared of knowing.

In fact she found herself scared, period.

Never in the years they had been together, had Hawke been scared of Anders. Of course, she had plenty of experience when it came to being scared for Anders (like the time he got bit by a drake youngling in the Bone Pit cavern, or when she heard Templars were scavenging the Darktown slums for apostates). Yet, Hawke had never really thought Anders a threat to her, or thought he would ever try to hurt her. He was usually so gentle. Justice rarely came out to talk to her, let alone hurt her. Even when Justice did say hurtful things to her, Anders always managed to hold him back.

But that was precisely why she had perfectly good reasons to be scared out of her wits when it came to Anders now. He had never been forceful to her in the entire span of their relationship, even when they had sex. Sure, Anders became a little heated and passionate when it came to mage liberation, his time in Fereldan, and Templars… but he had never really threatened her, or presented himself in such a violent manner.

It almost made Hawke sure that this was all Justice's doing. And it only served to motivate her more on finding a cure for Anders. Of course, she hadn't thought of what would happen if she managed to cure Anders. When he asked her today, she replied that she 'didn't know'.

That was partially true. She didn't know what she would do. If Anders came back to her, normal and Justice free from his body could she truly go back to him? How much of Anders did she ever date in the first place? How much of Anders had she fallen in love with? Where was that fine line she longed for? Where was that clean-cut definition? Even Anders probably didn't know.

How much of what they had was real?

Was anything real in the first place?

Hawke suddenly found herself in a mental state of philosophical dilemma - she found herself unsure of exactly how much of the real Anders she had fallen in love with. What if she never truly met him at all? What if he had started fading even before they had met? Who was this man she had fallen in love and lived with for three years?

Hawke didn't have an answer. Even in their time together, Ander's proved to be somewhat secretive and mysterious. His enigmatic personality sometimes intrigued her, but as the years wore on it only frustrated her more and more. For one, she never truly decided whether Anders' constantly changing mind was friend or foe. He came and went, leaving her at dawn and returning at dusk. She found herself more and more alone as their relationship progressed; she just didn't know it. If she did notice, she chose to ignore it. Hawke was well aware that her affections for Anders had made her blind. It made her heart rise above the clouds to be with him, only to sink back down again when he left.

How many times did this pattern continue? How many times did she try begging him not to go about in this manner? He would apologize profusely, showering her with chocolates, flowers, and kisses until she - like a weak, infatuated child - forgave him like the stupid, wretched fool she was. Often times, she had wished desperately that he would give her a more legitimate reason to change her mind and stay with him, but that was all just her own illusion. He had never told her that he wanted her help with Justice. In fact, towards the later years it didn't seem like he was remotely interested in extinguishing Justice from his body at all. That should have been the starting point for her suspicion, but Hawke was too twisted around the mage's finger to care.

Now that she was out of his clutches, she began to realize how stupid she had been not to notice Anders' strange and inappropriate behavior. Not only did he frequently leave her in the dark, always abandoning her for his own plots, but she had been fooled enough to believe that he was working, and that he loved her. When she had fallen and found herself at a loss for getting back up, Anders had indeed been there at times, but his mind had been elsewhere. How had it taken her so long to figure this out?

She had once wanted desperately to find more of a reason within Anders than that which she had made up on her own. But the truth was all coming to her now: Anders didn't need her - Anders never needed her, at least not in the way she would have preferred. Hawke had been his ace in the deck, his trump card - she was his ticket to get whatever he needed done, and that was that. He could fare pretty well by himself. After all, he had gotten this far already, escaping from the wardens and all. She had just been a stepping stool in his plans.

She was too yielding, she told herself.

The voice in the back of her head told her that Anders did love her, in his own way. Hawke shook her head viciously to block it out, but… the way Anders begged her today when she visited him... it all seemed to genuine, too passionate for it to have been fake. Anders was no con man; Hawke was just too weak before him to have notice that she had been duped. A part of her wanted to believe that the Anders she met at the beginning was the real person. Yet now that she thought of it, she was suddenly not quite sure.

Had Anders ever really been there?

All this time, had he been himself? Or had he always been a little out of it?

Was she always somewhat scared of what Anders was capable of and just didn't know it? Whatever the answers to her questions were, Hawke found herself certain of only a few things at the moment.

For one, she had to try getting Anders back to himself. After everything that happened today, she was sure of this the most. Yet something was different now. Suddenly, she knew that helping Anders would not be for the sake of their deteriorated relationship, but for the sake of something greater: Kirkwall. She no longer had to fulfill her obligations as Anders' lover. She had a different duty, as Aveline would say.

Secondly, Hawke understood there was no longer anything she could say to Anders that would change his mind. While she wasn't going to give up necessarily, this meant that she no longer felt that burning desire to be with him again. It was as if the tears she had just shed were the last remnants of her pain from Anders - that little fool inside her head had been destroyed and she felt as though she was back on her feet again.

It was amazing what a good cry might do to you.

Her head hurt like shit, but at the end it was worth it.

She knew what she had to do, and stood up.

Cleaning up her face a bit to make sure no one could tell of her lament, she slowly opened the door to her bedroom and slipped down the stairs to the library. Near the window was her writing desk. As she sat down before it, she grabbed some parchment, ink, and her quill, and then began writing:

Anders,

To start off, I'd like to tell you that I don't feel contempt for you. Not even after what you tried doing to me at the clinic. I thought about it for a long time, and I know deep inside that the person who tried to hurt me was not you, and that you weren't in your right mind. I understand that.

I've always understood that.

But still, there are some things that need to be said, some of which I didn't get to say today.

I want to help you. I did in the past, and I still do. But in order to do so, you'll have to understand that I'm doing this for you because I don't want to lose you as my friend, and I don't want to see you, or see anyone else get hurt again.

I know you won't let me help you. In fact, you never did, and I'm almost sure that you've already given up. I told you several times before that I would be the hope that shines for the both of us, carrying us to a bright future. But you destroyed that future when you lied to me, used me, and then did what you did when we met today. You scared me, and even made me furious with you. But as much as I wanted to scream at you, I still want to help.

However, I do it now for different reasons.

I'll tell you right now that I'll be damned if I let you attempt what you done again. I will stop Justice by exorcising him from you. I've learned first-hand what atrocities he can commit. No matter what, I'm going to find a way to stop him, and I don't care what you say to try and stop me.

I know there are very many things you would like to tell me, the most important of which you told me today: "I'm sorry."

There are also many things that I would like to say to you as well. But as dramatic and poetic as this sounds, I feel as though I've lost my way, and I've lost my words. No matter what I say, my words can't reach you anymore. I don't even know why I'm writing this.

I've tried numerous times to try to convince you and help you. I want you to know that my feelings for you haven't changed. I want to help because I care for you deeply. Even if I wanted to, there is no way I could go back on all the fun times we've shared together. There are very many places I would like to go to forget everything that has happened here, but it's as though I can't find the key to open the doors. There are very many ways I would like to break the spell you've cast upon me; because all this time I sacrificed myself to try making you happy has made you haunt me.

I care for you, perhaps more than you'll ever know. But in the end of the day, I've found that no matter what I say, it no longer matters. You can't feel the weight of my words anymore.

I can't tell you if I forgive you or not, but I can say that this goes far beyond us. All I can say right now is that I'm going to continue trying.

When you asked about the possibility of us getting back together again back at the clinic, I said I 'didn't know' because at the time that was my honest reply, but I've thought it out some more and have made a decision: Even if you return to the way you were before, without Justice, there are just some memories I don't want to revisit. Some things cannot be erased so easily. That's why I don't think things can continue as they were before, even if we solve our issues.

I know you won't want to see me face to face for a few days, and I don't want to make things awkward. But I didn't want the thought to linger in your mind, and I wanted to settle things and make them clearer. So these are my decisions, and I thought it best if I informed you.

Please try to understand and know that I will always care about you, and that I will try my best.

Always,

-Eden

Some might have thought that writing was not the brightest of ideas, but to Hawke she knew that Anders would have appreciated it more than if she had gone to see him again face to face. As scared as she was when Anders and Justice tried to hurt her, the look of horror that swept across his face when he realized what he had almost done was too painful for her to look at. That was part of the reason why Hawke felt the need to carry out her thoughts with words.

Still, a part of her felt proud to have written a letter, concluding her thoughts and decisions. It almost felt as if a chapter of her life had been sealed away, and that she was already on the track of healing herself from the pain of her old relationship. Perhaps this was what Varric felt like every time he finished a chapter to his book.

For the first time, Hawke felt as though she wouldn't be crying for a while.