Chapter 25

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"Come on Grace, hurry up. We're already running late," Martin demanded as he tried to prod his daughter further along the sidewalk. He held her hand in his and weaved his way through the busy sidewalk. It had rained during the early morning hours so she had to wear her yellow galoshes and insisted on walking through every single puddle she encountered.

She sped up her little feet to match his pace and said, "This isn't the way mommy goes. She…"

"Well mommy isn't walking you to school today. I am and I want to go this way," he replied sounding annoyed and frustrated.

"But…" Grace began as she slowed her pace and started pointing down the next street up.

He stopped and stared down at his daughter. "Look, I don't want to argue about this. I have taken you to school plenty of times and I know the way so just do as I say, okay?"

She bit her upper lip and gave him her sad wounded puppy eyes. Her voice was tiny and scared as she whispered, "Okay, daddy."

Seeing his daughter look at him like she was afraid was like a kick in the throat so he blew out a breath and said, "I'm sorry, sweetie. Daddy's just in a bad mood this morning."

"Is that why mommy left out of town?" Grace asked sounding worried.

"No, no, mommy had to go for work, remember? That's it," he replied trying to sound casual even though he was wondering the same thing. "She'll be back before you know it."

"Oh, yeah," she replied with her big blue eyes on him.

He shook his head and simply said, "Come on, let's get you to school. I'll try to not be such a…"

"Grouch in a pouch?" she offered up with a little giggle.

He laughed. "Yeah, that."

He gently tugged her hand and directed her back down the sidewalk. He hated it when he got snippy with the kids but he was still riled up from his fight with Sam the night before and the fact that she had left before he woke up didn't help.

XXX

He angrily yanked out the drawer from the dresser, pulled out his clothes and then promptly slammed the drawer shut with a loud bang. During dinner Sam told him that she was heading out of town to follow a lead on their missing person and to say he was upset was an under statement. So he decided to showcase his irritation by wandering around the bedroom making as much noise as possible as he got ready for bed.

He toed off his shoes and stripped off his clothes before pulling on his pajama bottoms. He walked to the closet to toss his pants into the hamper. Next to the closet door sat Sam's packed suitcase for the red eye flight she was taking in the early morning. He kicked it aside and it gave him some childish satisfaction.

The bedroom door opened and Sam appeared looking as annoyed as he felt. She started walking across the room and hissed, "You keep making noise like that and you're going to wake the kids up."

He tossed the clothes into the hamper and resisted the urge to slam the closet door shut as he replied, "Well, what do you expect? You get home late – again – and then announce that you are leaving for Walla Walla first thing in the morning. Not only is this out of the blue but this means you are going to have to cancel your appointment with Lisa."

She walked over the dresser he was assaulting earlier and starting pulling out the top half of the pajamas. "You make it sound like I told you I was going to a spa in Tahiti. I am going for work." She tucked the top under her arm and added, "And as far as Lisa is concerned I can reschedule."

"What I don't understand is why you want to go," he commented as he pulled on his t-shirt. "Danny can liaison with an agent in Seattle so there is no reason for you to accompany him."

"Damn it, Martin, I work too you know. My career means as much to me as it does to you," she slammed the drawer shut, apparently ignoring her earlier warning about waking the kids, and moved towards the bathroom. "Some of us other lowly agents have to get as much field time as we can if we hope to get promoted." She stopped and picked up the shoes he had discarded earlier and tossed them in the general direction of the closet. "It doesn't come as easily to women as it does for men. Especially women who get off track because they have to take maternity leave."

He flinched. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She opened her mouth but instead of arguing she just frowned. He could see the regret on her face as she replied, "It doesn't mean anything."

"You said it, so you must have meant something by it," he said through gritted teeth. He knew he was added more fuel to an already fiery argument but he couldn't stop; more importantly he didn't want to. "Is that what you think? That I got my position because I don't have to worry about having to take time off to have kids?"

"That's not what I said," she replied in careful, controlled tone.

"But that's what you meant," he retorted icily. "That the only reason I got promoted before you was because you got pregnant?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes before releasing a frustrated breath and softly saying, "I guess, yeah, sometimes I wonder."

He took a deep breath, mentally trying to slow his racing heart. "So what are you saying, Sam? Are you mad at me for being a man or is it you just regret having kids?"

Her eyes shot open and there was a hurt expression on her face. "How can you say that? I love our kids more than anything." He held up both his hands, challenging her to explain her comment. There was a palpable pause before she shakily said, "It's just sometimes I can't help but think…"

He released a forced laugh and kicked the shoes into the closet. "I don't believe this!"

Sam huffed and said, "You just don't know how hard it is to try to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect agent…"

He looked at her and said, "Who asked you to be perfect?"

"Everyone! Maybe not directly but I can feel it coming from my mom, your parents, the other moms at the school and park…and I know you don't say it but I know you have this expectation from me…" she trailed off as her voice began to crack.

"That's all in your head, Sam."

She took a deep breath and finished, "Maybe it is all in my head but its how I feel. I can't help these feelings I am having. I just need a break for a little while to go and clear my head."

He shook his head and walked up to her. "You're doing it again."

She folded her arms across her chest and challenged, "Doing what?"

"You are getting freaked out and starting to panic so now you are trying to push me away again. Only now it's not just me, you're pushing the kids away, too."

Her posture softened and she shook her head, "I just need to go clear my head so I can figure out what's going on with me. I don't want to push your or the kids away and I can't talk to Lisa about what I am feeling when I don't even know what it is I am feeling!"

"And going across the country is going to help you figure it out?"

She tilted her head and replied, "I don't know, maybe. I just know that there's too much noise here to do it."

"So me and the kids are 'noise' to you?" He knew that he was egging on the argument but he couldn't help it.

"No, it's just…damn it, Martin…" she replied before going quiet again. She sighed heavily with slumped shoulders, looking defeated.

There was a huge part of him that wanted to comfort her but there was a bigger part that felt betrayed by Sam's confession. He looked at her and softly whispered, "Go." She looked up at him questioningly and he added, "Go clear your head and we'll talk when you get back." He turned and moved to the bed saying, "I just hope we are both ready to deal with whatever it is you figure out."

XXX

The next morning when he woke up she was already gone. She had left a note on the bathroom mirror reminding him about Grace needing to take a snack to school and that she would call him when they landed. He had known that she was leaving at dawn to catch the early morning flight but he had hoped that she would wake him up before she left.

However he didn't have much time to dwell on it because since she wasn't there in the morning to help, he had to get ready for work, get both kids up and dressed, get their breakfast together and by the time he was done he was already fifteen minutes behind schedule. He didn't even have time to take Milo for a run so the dog had to make due with their small backyard. He could have sworn that the dog gave him a dirty look when he went out to relieve himself.

On top of that, Frances arrived late because her train was delayed and he still had to stop at the corner bodega and pick up a package of granola bars. So now not only was he going to be late to work but Gracie was going to be late to school as well.

He rushed them along and turned the corner onto the block to the south entrance to her school where they were met with orange barrels, construction crews and a street that had been torn up. Any access to the school from this street was completely barricaded.

Shit.

"I told you," Grace said knowingly as she swayed back in forth in her little yellow rain coat. "Mommy makes sure we go in the other side 'cuz we can't get in this way."

He released an audible sigh and ran his hand over his face. He blew out a breath and looked down at his daughter. "Mom sure knows a lot, doesn't she?"

She grinned and nodded. "Yup."

He laughed and tuned them both around so they could head back up the street to get to the other entrance. It caught him off guard to realize that Sam was the one who almost always walked Grace to school lately. He didn't know such a seemingly insignificant detail like a change about the route to school but she did. It was at this moment that he understood what she might have meant about sacrifices in regards to career advancement. Lately he was so busy working cases that he failed to notice all the little things she did every single day, things he had been taking for granted. He mentally chastised himself for not recognizing how much she does to keep their little family going before quickly resolving to let her know from now on.

He looked down at Grace and said, "I think that we should plan a little surprise for your mom when she gets back to show her how much we appreciate everything she does for us. What do you think about that?"

"I think that's a good idea," Gracie replied with a definitive nod. "But if you want it to be a surprise you shouldn't tell Nate. He can't keep a secret." She shook her head and with sisterly wisdom she solemnly added, "Believe me, I know."