A/N I know I should be on hiatus but it's a very important day for RM. She's 6 months sober today.

Temerate (v.) to break a bond or binding promise.

I choke out sobs as Madsen's words play over in my head.

Not your Madie.

I'm so fucking stupid. Fucking things up, and for Dominic?! I look up from my fetal ball when I hear something slide across the basement of Sanctuary.

Negan kneels down, grabbing my small snotty hand. "I'm sorry." He's actually upset over this. "I didn't know that you didn't tell him. It wasn't my place to say shit."

"It's not your fault. I mean, it is your fault, but I'm the one to blame. I fucked up by fucking Dominic." I understand Negan a lot more because of this. Sometimes you just make mistakes. I didn't set out to hurt Madsen, just like Negan doesn't set out to hurt me. "Negan, are you with me because you want to be, or because you can't handle the thought of me going back to him?"

"I asked myself that same thing this morning. The truth is, I don't know. Maybe we fucked up by fucking. Maybe we were just better friends."

"Don't do this to me. Don't make me lose you, too," I sob.

"RM, you are just upset because you don't want to be alone."

"That is not fair! I didn't fucking drop you the second he walked through that gate. I tried to make it work with you. I've never made you feel second to him since he's been back. How could you say that to me?"

"How can you sit here and say you want to be with me when you're crying over an ex-fucking-boyfriend! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Fuck Madsen, goddammit. Who gives a fuck if you hurt him if you're so about me. I'm not the only one with a backup plan. The only difference is both of yours are fucked."

"Fuck you!"

"Stupid bitch," Negan snarls. "Then again, there's always Dominic."

As I start to chase after Negan, there's commotion in the cafeteria. I'm horrified when I see what it's from. A bloody Dominic on one of the infirmary tables. I cover my mouth watching them work to save his life.

"Or not," Negan shrugs, leaving me alone in the infirmary.

Oh, fuck. What has Madsen done? As I watch Dominic start to convulse I realize this isn't on Madsen but me. I am so stupid. There are times I place the blame on myself and I hear people tell me it's not my fault. This is entirely my fault. If Dominic dies, I don't know if I can live with myself but I know I'd have to as punishment.

Over the next few days, I'm torn on whether I should stay by Dominic's side. I worry that, in some fucked up way, it would make Madsen think I do have feelings for Dominic but all I want is for my friend to be alright! I never meant for things to get so fucking fucked. My eyes shift to Negan when I see him walk into the infirmary.

"How is he?"

This motherfucker. How dare he ask me that. "Why do you fucking care? Fuck you!"

"Fuck you," Negan snarls, getting in my face but is shoved back by Madsen.

"Do not raise your voice to her, Negan."

Negan bears his teeth at Madsen. "Fuck you, Madsen."

"Fuck you both," I shout, "And shut the fuck up."

"There sure is a lot of fucking going on in here," Dominic grunts.

He's awake?! Oh, thank fuck. Thank fuck. I really expected Madsen to apologize and for the tension between Dominic and him to subside but Madsen walks out of the infirmary so I apologize to Dominic for him.

"He's right, RM. I should have never touched you."

"Fuck Madsen! He's in the wrong for hurting you, especially knowing that you won't fight back."

"RM," Negan interrupts, "come see me when this crybaby bullshit is over. We need to talk."

"Sounds like you're in trouble."

"Man, fuck Madsen and Negan. They can go fuck each other."

Dominic rolls his eyes. "RM, after the beating I just took, you better make it worth it."

I lower my head, tough girl routine aside. "Madsen doesn't want me."

"I'd laugh if it didn't hurt so bad. Give it a week until he's all up in that clam cage."

My heart sinks at his words because I want there to be truth yet, at the same time, it doesn't change my feelings for Negan. It just complicates things. "I'll be by later to check on you."

"Hey, do me a favor. In my shirt front pocket, there's a slip of paper with a number on it. Send her this way. I need some special attention."

He needs a fucking body cast after the beating he just took, but I fetch this girl for him then shoo her in the right direction. Gross. His perky jerky is going to end up falling off one of these days.

"RM," a warm smile greets me. "I thought that was you. You've turned out to be a beautiful woman."

All the air in my body vacates. My strength gone. Oh, god. Not her. Of all people, please. If anyone could take Madsen from me, it's... "Jessica..." Tall. Large breasts. Beautiful dark tresses. She doesn't have a malicious bone in her body. If Madsen sees her-

"Jessica?"

-it's over. My eyes close to trap my tears. I'd welcome Ren at this point over Jessica. I hurry from the cafeteria, ignoring Madsen's voice. When I was a little girl, Jessica tried everything to be with Madsen. She loves him. I know that they didn't fuck, but she did other things to him. Things he enjoyed. With me out of the picture, how long will it take before Jessica captivates Madsen like I once did?

"Uh." Negan stares back at me, red-faced with his dick in his hand. "It's uh. Not what you think." He slides the magazine from his lap, stuffing it down in the chair cushion.

I know I should have ripped this motherfucker down one half and fucked him back up the other but instead, I burst into tears as I drop to the floor. I let out one more deafening cry before it turns into choking sobs. "Fuck this fucking day," I scream, coiling up into a ball. People probably thought that I was being murdered up here but I am hysterical. I don't remember having tantrums like this since I lived with Madsen. "She's here. She's going to fucking ruin everything."

"Jesus Christ, take a breath, woman. Who is this fucking everything up?"

"Jessica. She's this perfect fuck that loves Madsen. That tried everything to be with Madsen. Now she's here and she's going to ruin things! It's just my fucking fuck luck!" I bow my head and take in several breaths. "Who am I kidding. I fucked everything up when I fucked Dominic. Fuck this dumbass motherfucking fuck," I scream in frustration. "I don't even want to say the word anymore!"

"Deep breath, RM."

My deep breath comes with realization that this is just one of my numerous problems. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"

His eyes well up as he drops his head. "Yes."

I'd be selfish to think that he'd stay with me after all this shit. I don't even want to be around my own self. "I didn't mean to-"

"Stop, I know. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. RM, he's here. Go to him. If I thought for one second I had another chance with Lucille, I'd take it. I know it's fucked right now but it won't always be. You know, you give him a chance to calm down and then you take things from there."

I wrap my arms around him as best I can. "Thank you, dumpy." He is always my voice of reason. A true friend that tells me what I need to hear as opposed to what I want. I'm so thankful for this hairy dumpy dingus fuck.

"Wanna fuck one last time? Ow! That's my fucking balls."

I spoke too soon. "I know." As I start to pull away, he keeps his grip on me.

"I… I don't want to let go."

Both of us know what needs to be done, but neither can do it.

"Maybe… you could stay?"

"Like live together but see other people?"

"I don't know, RM. I feel so fucking lost."

"Look, I understand. I can't give you what you need, Negan. Wives can." There is still a very large part of me that cares about Negan. We never really got a fair chance, but I'm starting to understand why. It's not meant to be, and the more I become level-headed, the more I start to believe that about Madsen. I belong to no man, and it's time that I start staying true to that.

"Do you really think I should go back to wives?"

"Yes, but you're going to let me help you pick them because you suck at women."

"Are you really serious right now?"

"Yeah. I am."

"This sounds too goddamn good to be true."

"Well, believe it, bitch." I know there's no better time than now for me to get a few things off my chest. "I have a few conditions, though. Your bed is mine. That means no fucking in it. And you better be nice if you want in it at night. Also, Madsen can't know that we're not together. If he finds out that I'm alone, it's going to guilt him into being with me. I don't want that."

"Goddamn, bitch. I think I'm in love."

"Gross." I better kick him out before he shows me affection or some stupid shit.

"Wait. Stay with me. Just us. One last night together."

"One last night together? Bitch, I told you this is my bed."

"You know what I fucking mean! Before the girls start living in the parlor again."

"Aren't you fucking romantic." I slick my hair back, then give myself a denim boner by slipping my hand into my pants and poking my index finger against the zipper. "RM, let me rub my meat mushroom against you since I don't have any other bitches."

"I'm not even fucking hard right now, and you're my only bitch, bitch."

That's a first. "Bitch, you're my bitch, bitch. You better fucking recognize."

"Christ, please don't start that rapping shit."

I cup my mouth. "Ohhhhhhh-" Then proceed to annoy the everloving fuck out of this fool. "Bitch, you can't handle me. I'm so fucking fresh right now-"

"You're on my last nerve right now."

"Battle me, dumpy."

"Do I look like I rap?"

Hmm, he's right. He definitely can't keep it real. "Go get us some food."

"Uh, who the fuck do you think I am? Madsen?"

My eyes sink and I slump at his words. No, he's not Madsen. Madsen would get me food. Any time I needed anything, Madsen would do it. I treated Madsen like absolute shit. I wasn't a partner to him, I was just something else he had to clean up after. I never realized how lucky I was until now. And now Jessica is going to-

"Don't cry, RM. I didn't think before I said it. You know me, that's what I'm good at."

I give him a breathed laugh as the tears fall.

"Come here." His arms are already stretched outward.

"No! No," I squirm, trying to get out of his hold on me. "Christ, I've suffered enough without having to listen to your chest hair, too!"

"Bitch, this is nice."

Now I know how trash squirrels feel when you pick them up and their legs just kinda dangle all straight-like. Slumped over in your arms because there's no escape. That look on their face like why fucking me. "Why fucking me?"

"Aww, my little cock pocket. Just think. Every night we get to do this."

I'm starting to rethink my wish list.

There are lots of pretty women that I invite for interviews. It ends up getting a little out of control because people are waiting outside the parlor that I didn't invite. I'm nervous that word is going to get back to Madsen but that's the one good thing about him. He's not one to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. I'm not too sure about these women. They all look like they're here to try and win Negan's heart, and we know that shit ain't gonna happen. Once I tell them about how Negan will be selecting multiple wives, two of them leave. "Look. You're not a harem. You're wives. Have some fucking respect for yourselves. Ms. I can fucking see your spleen with that skirt, you can leave with the other two."

"RM, I like her," Negan pouts.

"Even more reason why she needs to leave."

"Hey, how do you know what a spleen is?"

"Oh," I smile. "We learned that in school."

"Uh, hello?" someone interrupts.

"I'm sorry," Negan snaps, "are we keeping you from something? I'm talking, goddammit! Get the fuck out!" His eyes glare as he watches her leave. "I will not tolerate disrespect."

All the women nod awkwardly.

At this rate, we're not going to have anyone left. "Alright, single file. You, firecrotch, you're first. Step up and tell us about yourself."

"I don't have a firecrotch..."

"Hot damn, I like that. You're hired. Next."

"Negan," I say under my breath. "You can't just base your wives off whether or not the lady garden is in season."

"But I can respect a woman that plucks the weeds. Makes it easier to harvest that sweet fruit when you don't have to dig through a bush."

"Fruit grows on bushes? Well… what kind? Because we learned about banana and apple trees-"

"I'm out of here," firecrotch says.

Negan shrugs. "Next."

A tall blonde with a nice ass steps up. She looks at Negan like he's fucking crazy which I like already. "I'm confused. I offered to suck you off under the table at breakfast and you called me a slattern whore."

"Get out," I growl. Fucking bitch trying to suck on my whalelphant! "Stay the fuck away from the grumpy, slightly shorter but non-hairy version of Negan! That goes for all of you!"

Negan snorts. "Madsen is grumpy."

"Next!" When this applicant comes forward, I can't help but notice something doesn't seem right. "Show us your tits."

"RM!"

"What? They're going to be walking around naked living here. She can at least show us her tits."

The girl flushes. "This is a little awkward. I thought-"

"Look, lady," I start, "make with the jacket baskets, or get the fuck out."

"The hell?" Negan scoots forward on his seat. "You stuff your fucking bra?" He picks up the bagged rice confused.

The girl runs out horrified.

He looks back at me before returning to the lounge. "How the fuck did you know that?"

"Woman's in-tit-uition."

"It's intuition, and I like small titties, too."

"Whatever, dingus! You're not slapping your sweaty spaghetti against bagged rice so you owe me. Let's continue." Ugh, the next set of women aren't any better.

"Fuck. My dick is so hard I wish I had an elastic zipper."

"What?"

"It's an analogy."

"Well, it's worse than these applicants. All we have are three. I think that's about as good as it's going to get for now." I scoot from the chair and show the new girls around. "The bedroom and this hiding spot are off limits." I also give them a few bits of advice involving Negan and how to keep him happy.

"Alright, ladies, listen up," Negan starts. "RM is my number one and if she ain't happy, you're gone."

I smile up at him when he pulls me close. These are the times that I really do care for this dumpy dingus.

"Now line up for a shot in the mouth!" His pants are already pooled around his feet.

Gross. I don't want to be trapped in his room, so I step from the parlor to get some fresh air.

...

I sit on the steel catwalk as my feet dangle off of it. Today is six months sober, yet I don't feel a thing about it. Negan usually makes a big deal, but he just shoved this coin into my hand this morning and brushed it off since he was so excited about wife interview day. Honestly, it's a fifty-fifty. It would be so easy to start back on the drugs. They're everywhere. At least I was a funny bitch on the drugs. I made it six months so at least I can say that. I need something to fill this void. All I do is cry anymore. My eyes shift over to a drug deal on the sixth level. I take mental note of the man's room number. If Negan found out I was back on the drugs, he'd kick me out. At that point, I'd do anything for a fix and start selling my body again which would only push Madsen to a point of no return. Who am I kidding? We are at that point. He won't ever look at me again after I fucked Dominic. One of my boots drop, falling to the next level. Shit. That's my only one! I pull my feet back over the ledge and hurry down the steps but before I can take the last few down, Madsen steps in front of them.

In his hand, he's holding my boot.

My knees are so fucking wobbly that I plop down on one of the stairs before I collapse. I reach up for my boot as it's set in my hand. "Thank you." He's so fucking perfect in my eyes. It makes me sick thinking about all these leather lunchboxes that will throw themselves at him. He's not even my property anymore so I can't say fuck all. Fuck! How did I tie this bullshit before? I give up after the seventh try and stuff the laces in my boots.

Madsen gets down on one knee, tugging them from the inside as he starts to tie it slowly.

I carefully watch him as it starts to come back to me. I remember now and show him on my other boot. "I did it," I giggle but it's halted once our eyes meet.

His thumb lightly trails my cheek and I'm briefly awarded two rows of flawless perfection.

He's touching me! Is it dumb for me to think that he might try and steal a kiss?

"I am proud of you, RM."

Fuck. That gruff voice. That ain't some fucking line that he's saying. I can see it in his mannerisms that he means it, and blush from his words.

Madsen rises to his full height as the smile fades. "You should get back to Negan."

"Okay, Madi-" I almost let the name slip. I start up the steps for show and, when he's gone, I tiptoe back down them. He's going into his room. I didn't realize he's on the top floor until right now. That means Negan made him a Lieutenant when they had that chat. Once the door is closed, I walk over to it and have a seat against it. Madsen cries on one end of the door while I sob on the other.

A/N Next year I will be publishing my very first book "Divine Disaster." For those of you that enjoy Beautiful Tragedy, this story ties in directly with that one. It will be the story of Madsen and when he first found RM. I have posted a link on my profile where you can go to my facebook page. There I will have more details if you're interested.