A/N…so, as of yesterday morning, I actually have over 30 000 words written for this on my comp…and although I know that's not much compared to what some incredible people on here manage to write, it's a massive achievement for me (it's still not finished though, so there should be more than that to come in the end). Anyway, it made me want to share more with you all, so I hope you enjoy…

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chapter twenty-one

As she sat in the waiting room, Nikki couldn't help but notice the other patients waiting around her. If you didn't know the reason, you could walk into the room and think that shaved heads and head scarfs were a new trend. A hand reached up to play with her hair, almost unconsciously, as if comforted by the fact that at least she still had her hair. With that thought, Nikki let her eyes slip shut momentarily. Was she really that vain? Surely she would rather lose all of her hair and have a chance at living. It was a pretty pointless thought really. She didn't have a potential cure, she barely had the option for a few more months.

Opening her eyes, and discretely glancing around the room again, Nikki was sure that these people around her had to be far stronger than her, because she couldn't bear the thought of going through such painful treatments for a little more hope, a little more time. She wasn't sure that she'd have seriously considered treatment even if the odds were better. Right now, she was certain she wasn't the kind of person that had the strength to fight. To keep fighting, in hopes that something might work.

She felt weak. And not just physically, though her body did feel that way these days. She felt as though she could never be strong enough to fight for her life the way that she was sure many of the people around her were. It wasn't as if she didn't have a lot to live for, but life had already felt like a struggle for so long, she wondered if a part of her was just ready to let go now. The thought frightened her. She wasn't sure why it even made a difference, there wasn't a treatment that could cure her even if she tried it. Yet for some reason, the fact that she didn't feel strong enough that she would try it, if there was a chance, scared her beyond reason. A single tear escaped with a blink, and trickled down her cheek, it taking a moment before Nikki could bring herself to wipe it away.

A young woman sat down in the seat next to her. Nikki thought it was a little strange, the room had plenty of spare seats, was emptier that it had been when Nikki first sat down in fact, and people tended to leave at least one space next to someone they didn't know when sitting down in waiting rooms. It was like an unspoken rule. Nikki could feel the woman staring at her, and eventually gave in and turned her head slightly to consider her. She was surprised by the young face looking back at her; she had to be at least ten years younger than Nikki, probably in her early twenties, with bright blue eyes that stared back without hesitation, and short, fuzzy, brown hair that was obviously newly growing back, along with a few pale freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks.

"I used to have blonde hair." She stated, quite simply, gazing at Nikki's blonde curls. "I'm looking forward to brown though, it'll make a nice change. New life and all." Her voice was soft, gentle, but confident at the same time. Nikki got the feeling that this girl had been through plenty in her time, and had somehow gained strength from it. She felt the opposite way right now. "Are you here alone?"

"Yeah." Nikki nodded with her response as her voice wasn't feeling particularly strong or clear.

"Sometimes it's easier. Then you can decide how much to filter through to the family back home. It can get a bit much for them too." Nikki nodded silently this time, looking down at the floor beneath her feet. Both Leo and Harry had offered to come with her to her appointment, even just to wait outside if she didn't want them coming in, but she had declined the offers, told them that she'd be fine alone, trying to convince herself of exactly that at the same time. "You've got to let them be there for you when you need them though, that's important for everyone." Those words surprised her a little, and Nikki turned to face the young woman again.

"How did you-?" Nikki didn't manage to finish her question, she wasn't sure how to ask, but she felt as though this young woman had stared into her soul and knew all her thoughts, feelings and secrets. It seemed she also knew what Nikki was trying to ask, it barely taking her a moment of thought before her answer.

"Because I've been there. Not wanting to tell family or friends to save them the pain. But we all need people, and it doesn't save them anything when they find out in the end."

Nikki took a deep breath, the air releasing from her lungs in a shaky tremor, another lone tear dropping down her cheek. She felt a hand reach up to wipe the tear away, but this time it wasn't her own hand. The skin felt soft, less calloused than Nikki's, the years of using scalpels and bone saws having made an impact upon her own hands. Her touch was gentle, yet assertive, and Nikki felt her head lean in slightly to the touch.

It was an oddly intimate gesture that would usually feel very uncomfortable coming from a stranger. Yet somehow they weren't strangers. Somehow this girl knew Nikki better than some of the people she'd known for years. Somehow they had just connected, and the gesture actually felt incredibly comforting.

"Sometimes you have to trust people." Her hand pulled away with her words, returning to her lap, comfortably entangling with the other. Nikki couldn't help but feel the loss, her cheek still unusually warm from the contact.

"Nikki Alexander." The receptionist called out, pulling Nikki from her moment. Nikki stood, turning to reach back for her jacket and meeting eyes with the young woman again. Neither said anything, there wasn't really anything to say. It was only a brief moment, but felt as though it had been longer, before Nikki finally turned and made her way across to the receptionist's desk. "Dr Owen is ready for you. Round the corner, second door on the left." Nikki nodded silently, taking a quick glance back at her strange new friend before turning the corner.

She didn't know what to think, but was sure she'd just met someone very special. However strange the encounter, she certainly wouldn't be forgetting it anytime soon.

Her mood changed as she entered the Doctor's office. She had felt a few moments of peace and tranquillity, yet as soon as she entered she felt her reality crashing down around her again. It was a feeling she should be getting used to, but it still shocked her, shook her, and left her either wanting to curl up in a dark room or left her angry, feeling as though she wanted to break something. Nikki wondered how long she'd continue to feel like this. If she'd ever regain a grip on her emotions, or if she'd just keep tumbling until something broke her fall.

The doctor started to speak, and just like the last time Nikki found herself only half listening. She really had to stop zoning out when she was being told something that could be significant.

She forced herself to tune back in as she realised that the doctor had asked her a question, and found herself explaining how she was struggling with the pain of the headaches and the nausea. She kept quiet about some of the other symptoms she was experiencing. She wasn't entirely sure how much of it was due to the tumour and how much was just her lack of ability to cope, so it seemed best to keep certain things to herself.

She noticed the doctor seemed more approachable than the first time she had met him. He seemed more caring, and Nikki found it a little unusual. She wasn't sure if it was just her perception that had changed; she'd certainly been through enough recently that it was a possibility. But did that mean that he wasn't as harsh as she had remembered at the previous meeting, or that he was kinder this time around? Her thoughts began to take her in circles, and Nikki had to force herself to stop before she lost complete track of where she had started.

"There must be something, you must have got it wrong. This can't be happening to me." The distress in her own voice as she blurted out words she hadn't expected to say even worried Nikki, and she made a conscious effort to take a deep breath and calm herself down. This wasn't the time to get emotional.

"I'd like you to talk to someone-" Nikki was shaking her head before Doctor Owen had even had a chance to finish his suggestion.

"I don't need to see a therapist." Her tone had levelled out again, Nikki was sure she was getting experienced at hiding her emotions when she needed to; she was certainly getting a lot of practice.

"The hospital has an oncology counsellor I can put you in touch with, and there are a lot of local support groups, I can give you the details of them." The doctor continued despite Nikki shaking her head vigorously.

"I don't need that."

"Many patients find it helpful to talk to people that are going through the same thing, to come to terms with their situation."

"You mean to come to terms with dying?" Nikki's voice reeked with distress again, but this time she let it linger a few moments, almost savouring it. "It was going to happen sometime, I'm lucky enough to know roughly when." She was aware of the bitterness in her tone as well, but didn't care to do anything about it. "Look, the last thing I need right now is to hear about how much other people are suffering." The doctor could tell he was fighting a losing battle here.

"Do you have anyone at home to help support you?" He noticed the shadow that passed across Nikki's face at his words.

"I have a couple of close friends that I work with."

"How about family? Anyone that can be there to help out? You really need to think about these things." Nikki shook her head.

"They are my family, close as I'll ever get, anyway." Nikki didn't want to add that despite the way she felt about them, she didn't want to be calling on them all the time. She had put them both out enough recently. It wasn't as if they could drop everything else in their lives just because she needed them. She figured the doctor would only give her more problems if she told him she'd be fine on her own. She'd have to be, that was how she'd lived her whole adult life, not to mention part of her childhood, she'd have to be fine on her own, because she believed that was her only option.

"Dr Alexander – you need to consider having someone around that can help out. Things are going to get worse, and you'll need extra care. There are support services I can put you in contact with. I'd like you to consider making a plan for when you're not able to do everything yourself." Talk about bringing her world crashing down around her, Nikki felt as though she had been punched after listening to Dr Owen's words. The air felt as though it had been pushed from her lungs, like she'd been kicked in the stomach. She felt sick and almost struggled to take her next breath. Maybe she'd been right the first time around, he wasn't particularly kind or caring.

She wanted to run out of the room, it wasn't as though she hadn't done it before when told something she didn't want to accept. But she knew if she ran now, she'd need to come back because anything the doctor said didn't change the fact she needed help, if only in terms of medications to keep the pain under control. And the last thing she wanted was to have to go through all of this again, especially considering the usual waiting time for another appointment on the NHS.

"I'm going to pass on all the details and suggested medications to your GP, and he can monitor you more regularly." She felt as though she was being dumped, as though there was no point trying anymore, so she was being shoved off for another person to deal with. The sad thing was that she could see why, and didn't really blame the doctor for it. What more could he do for her anyway?

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