Chapter 25: Supper and a Session

Phoebe and Teddy were all smiles as their Dad took a seat at the dinner table. For them this was almost as good as Christmas morning. Daddy was here! Teddy talked non-stopped in his child's way about fishing with Grandpa Ray and Phoebe wanted to feed her Daddy her food. Ana had to smile at the scene before her, family tranquility. Then, she felt a certain kind of sadness go through her. The kind that grabbed the heart and squeezed it until it exploded into a million pieces. What if this was just an illusion? What if Christian was not able to give the family the "more" that they need? Yes, he was saying the right words and walking the walk, but for how long? How long would it be before the darkness called out to him and he would not be able to resist? Could he resist? This need to control and his chosen lifestyle has been a part of him for so long. Could he really turn his back on it? Was she asking too much from him? She picked at the food and made herself eat, not for herself but for Baby Cross, little Andrew. She had to make sure that her sister's baby was as healthy as could be. She was about four weeks away from delivery on or around May 5.

"Are you feeling alright?" His voice called out to her bringing her out of her thoughts. "Ana?" She looked at him and saw the concern in his beautiful grey eyes, that beautiful starry grey that one could believe that shone from the heavens.

She gave him a tender smile. "I am fine. Just a long day at the office." She tried to eat some more but her stomach was nervous. She felt her hands begin to tremble. Maybe this was a mistake him being here. Was she ready to have him around so much? Maybe he was too much of a distraction. He hurt you girl. He fuckin tore your heart out of your chest and you are sitting here at your table having a meal with him. Have you lost your fuckin mind? YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM! She tried to shake off the inner voice of her subconscious, but the snarly old hag kept yelling at her. What are you going to do? Are you going to let him fuck you over again? What does he have to do before you see that this is fuckin dangerous? Ana pushed her plate away. She could only eat half of what was presented.

"Ana?" He tried to take her hand but she pulled away from him.

"I don't think I can do this Christian." She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She fought hard to block the sobs that were threatening to bust out of her. "This is too soon. I can't trust you. You can stay long enough to help put the children to bed if you want, then you will have to leave." She stood up slowly and took her plate into the kitchen. She held onto the counter and let the tears stream down her face. I think I love him, but it's not enough. I deserve better…my kids deserve better. I can't live the rest of my life wondering if he is cheating. That is no way for me or the children to live…just waiting for him to screw up and ruin our lives once again. She doesn't know how long she stood in the kitchen by herself but her thoughts were interrupted by Christian carrying in his and the children's plates.

"The children are done eating and I cleaned Phoebe up. Teddy wants to watch some cartoons so I turned on the TV. Was that alright?"

"Yes." She softly said as she kept staring at her clinched hands on the countertop. She was fighting to keep her breathing under control. She would not look at Christian fearing that his eyes would unravel her leaving her bare and exposed to his charms. He would gain control over her once again.

Christian could see the inner fight upon her face. He longed to reach out and hold her and tell her that he would take care of her. But, he knew he had to let her come to him. "Ana, I won't hurt you. Please, let me stay. I will stay in one of the guest rooms or sleep in with Teddy. I just want to be with my family."

"That will be fine. The children will be glad to have breakfast with you in the morning." Her voice was flat and null of emotion. She closed her eyes as Baby Cross decided to give her a few sharp kicks. Her right hand went to her stomach to calm the little placekicker, as she called him.

"Are the natives restless?" He asked.

"Just a little bit."

"May I?" He motioned that he wanted to feel her bump. She nodded. His warm hand spread over her stomach. The baby kicked on cue. He began to laugh. "He is strong. He reminds me of Teddy."

"He likes to kick me at this time of night. It's almost like clockwork." She offered lowly. She looked up to her ex-husband and saw the need in his face. Her lips trembled in anticipation of an expected kiss. He leaned forward waiting for her permission. She leaned into him offering her mouth to his kiss. It was a soft, unthreatening kiss. A feather light kiss that made her lips tingle. It's only one kiss. He has made progress. He is trying to change. He's still the same Ana…don't fool yourself…a leopard does not change its spots. She stepped away. She thought she had been ready to accept him back into their lives and into her bed; however she could not let go of the walls of mistrust that she had built around her heart and mind for protection. The pain would be too much if he failed her. She knew that all the reports from Tracy showed him to be truthful in his words and actions, but it has only been a few months. Yes, she did love him. He was the father of her children. She just did not know if she could afford to be in love with him again. The what-ifs scared the hell out of her! "Will you mind watching the children while I go take a nice hot shower?"

He straightened himself and stood tall. "Of course, I am sure I can find something to do to keep them entertained." He moved out of her way to let pass. He watched her leave the kitchen to go into the great room. He could hear her talking to Teddy and Phoebe then her footsteps as they faded down the hallway into her bedroom. What in the hell happened? She was so hot for me earlier? She asked me to come over tonight. What did I do wrong? Well, what did you do wrong…you stupid ass…you cheated on her. She can't get over that. Gideon told you that this wouldn't be easy. She is protecting her heart. She sees you as a threat! She does not trust you yet. It's too soon. You are pushing too hard. Back off, Grey. Give her the space that she needs. Be patient you jerk!

The shower felt wonderful as the hot water soothed her aching body. She had grown bigger in the last week. Her back and back were hurting. She leaned against the wall of her shower with her forehead on the travertine tiles. She let the water just roll over her and hoped that the water would wash away all her fears. "This isn't how I wanted to spend my night crying in my shower." She whispered out loud. "This was supposed to be a happy family night. Damn these pregnancy hormones!"

After drying off and putting on a modest nightgown with a wrap Ana joined her family in the family room where they were watching cartoons. Phoebe was sitting on her Dad's lap and Teddy was lying on his stomach on the floor. It was a lovely sight. She sat on the other end of the sofa from Christian and Phoebe. Before she knew it she was drifting off to sleep. The last thing she heard was Teddy's laughter.

Christian was in charge of getting two children ready for bed since Ana had fallen asleep. He bathed them, got them into their pajamas, read them each a story, and then kissed them goodnight. Now, it was time to put their mother to bed. He picked her up easily. Even pregnant she was light. He carried her to her bed and gently tucked her in. Christian kissed her forehead gently and smoothed out her hair. She was so beautiful that it caused an ache in his soul. One long finger traced over her cheek. She moaned softly as she rolled over onto her side and curled into a loose fetal position because of her baby bump. He had to smile. She was so adorable. He was about to leave when she breathed his name. He turned back thinking that she was awake and that she wanted him. His hopes were dashed, she was still asleep. "Christian, please don't hurt me…please." The words spoken in her sleep shot through Christian like an arrow.

"I am so sorry, baby, that I hurt you." With that Christian left her room. He made sure all the doors were locked and the alarm was enabled. He knew that her security team was on duty even though they had kept discreetly out of sight for the night. He had hoped that he would be sleeping with Ana tonight, but Teddy's bed was still inviting and it felt good to have his son lying in his arms. Christian slept a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night.

Morning came and the family shared a breakfast together. Christian watched and listened as schedules were ran through and modified before anyone could leave the house. Connie, Phoebe along with Casey Reed, the security woman assigned to Phoebe would be going to a play date at the park, Hank Rhoades was in charge of getting Teddy to preschool, and Daniel Brady was the on-foot security and driver for Ana. As with everything else in her life, Ana kept a tight control over her household and children. Christian had to admit that he was impressed.

At their cars Christian said goodbye to Ana. She let him kiss her, but it was not a passion filled kiss that had shared only yesterday at Escala. She nodded at him and got into her car and drove away to Grey Publishing, Inc. to conquer the business world. Christian, who had driven himself, decided he needed to talk to someone. He sat in his car with his cell phone to his ear waiting for his call to be answered.

"Cross." A deep voice said.

"Gideon, it's Christian…you got a few minutes."

Ana did not go directly to work. She found herself at her therapist's office. As she progressed in the pregnancy and Christian began to be more apparent in her life, she decided to get professional help. She chose a doctor that Grace had recommended, Dr. Laura Wesley. Thank Goodness that the good Doctor was in and already had a cancellation so Ana was able to see her.

Dr. Laura Wesley was a tall, red headed woman, a bit on the plump side, but still a nice looking woman with vivid cat green eyes. She was married with five children whom she proudly displayed throughout her office. She always met her patients at the door and escorted them to a comfortable over-stuffed chair. She was the kind of therapist that wanted to be on a first name basis. She never called Ana Mrs. Grey and insisted that she be called Laura.

"Thank you for seeing me so quick, Laura." Ana said as she sat down.

"It is no problem. What can I help you with today?" Laura sat across from Ana in an identical chair.

"Christian and I have been …well…I guess we have been flirting. You know having lunches, he has been coming over and having supper with me and the children. I want so much to be with him and to trust him, but I can't."

"Have you been intimate with him since Christmas?"

Ana hesitated for a few seconds as she thought about yesterday and the way he had come apart as she pleasured him with her mouth. She nodded. "I gave him oral sex yesterday after I teased him all thru lunch." She confessed.

"Why didn't you sleep with him? Why just oral sex?"

"I wanted to, but I just couldn't bring myself to go to bed with him again." She answered.

Laura contemplated her next question as she wrote in her notes. "Are you still afraid of him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He hurt me. He broke our family and I feel put my health at risk." She said lowly. "I can't get over that he was fucking that bitch then coming home to me and fucking me when he deigned to fuck me. He touched me with the same hands and mouth that he touched her with. He fucked me with the same cock he fucked her with. I don't know if this woman has diseases or not. Do you know I still get tested every month because I am so fuckin scared that he has given me a STD?" She took a deep breath. "There are times that I cringe when he touches me like my skin is on fire…just like it was after Husband #3 beat me."

Laura smiled. There it is the break-thru. Finally! "You are experiencing the same feelings to Christian's cheating as you did when you were abused. He hurt you emotionally. He abused your trust. Ana, you could be shutting down just like you did after the abuse."

The tears began to flow. "I don't want to. How do I stop it?"

"How did it stop last time?"

"Dad sent me to a camp for troubled girls. I met Eva there. She was my cabin mate. The staff put us together because they thought we were sisters because we resemble each other. They thought that we were both from the same abusive home. We found out that we are indeed half-sisters, fathered by the same man. Neither of us ever got to know him. She helped me get over the fear of being touched and brought me out of my shell."

"The 'Parent Trap' therapy" Laura joked making Ana laugh with her reference to the Disney classic. "And, she is the one that you are surrogating for?"

"Yes, she can't carry a baby pass the first trimester so I offered to do it for her."

"Are you wishing that this was your baby with Christian? You told me in an earlier session that when you married him that you wanted to have three or four children with him. That dream never came true because of his cheating and the divorce. Did you offer yourself to surrogacy to achieve the dreams that you wanted with Christian? Could it be that you are so angry at him for dashing your dreams that you, at times, can't stand his touch?"

"I am still fucking pissed off at him. There are times that I just want to beat on him for what he did. Then, there are other times that I want to wrap my arms around him and make love to him like we used to do. I think I am going fucking insane!"

Laura laughed. "You are not going insane. You are still very angry at him. And, I surmise that you still do not trust him enough to go to bed with him even though you are probably hornier than a drunken sailor with a three day pass." Ana busted out laughing because Laura was so correct. "That's the pregnancy causing all that horniness and some of your anxiety."

"So what do I do? How can I trust him again?"

"Be patient. Trust takes time and patience. You can't force it Ana. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted." Laura gave her patient a tender smile. "You need to relax for that precious baby that you are carrying for your sister. I suggest you go home, take the day off from work and just be Ana. Read a book. Watch some crap TV. Take a walk. Just relax and be."

"That is easier said than done. I have two children at home and an ex-husband that wants to have sleep-overs with me." She shook her head wondering where she could find the time to just be. "Thank you Laura for talking me thru this. I do feel much better now." She slowly got up holding her back. The pain was worse today.

"Are you having back pain?"

"Oh yeah, it's been getting worse as the baby grows and puts pressure on my spine. Dr. Green tells me that I should rest and not work so hard."

"Monika is the best OB/GYN in Seattle. You should listen to her and to me. We only have your best interests at heart and that of that little baby." She offered her hand to Ana. "Just relax and let things with Christian come naturally. Do not force it or fight it. Just be."

Ana nodded with a smile then took her leave. For the first time since she took over Grey Publishing, Inc. Ana played hooky. She called Hannah and told her that she would not be in today and for Jeff Markt, her Chief of Operations and second in command to take care of the things that Hannah could not do. Daniel opened the car door for her and helped her in.

"To the office, Ana?" He asked as he started the car.

"Actually, no Daniel…just drive." She opened her email program on the phone and sent a message to Eva.

To: Eva Cross

Subject: I am a bad girl!

From: Ana Grey

Message:

I am taking the day off and not doing a damn thing!

Ana Grey, CEO, Grey Publishing, Inc.

To: Ana Grey

Subject: Bitch…

From: Eva Cross

Message:

…you are pissing me off. I am at work why not you? LOL

Eva Cross, Project Manager

Waters, Fields, & Leaman, Inc.

To: Eva Cross

Subject: Bad night

From: Ana Grey

Message:

Had plans with the ex…I couldn't go thru with them. Skin on fire. I need a break from him. I am so fucked up…first I want him, then I don't. I feel that I am going nuts.

Ana Grey, CEO, Grey Publishing, Inc.

To: Ana Grey

Subject: Hormones

From: Eva Cross

Message:

Forget Grey go use your toy. LOL I am coming to Seattle this weekend and staying.

Eva Cross, Project Manager

Waters, Fields, & Leaman, Inc.

Before Ana could reply to Eva her text message alarm went off.

~Need to see you ASAP. Elena's files. Call me!~

Shit. This was all she needed. She was screwed up in the head as it was and now this crap! Ana texted Eva that she would call later. She then called Tracy Winters.

"Ana."

"Hi, Tracy. Do you have something for me?"

"We need to meet ASAP in a very secure place. This is for your eyes only." Tracy answered.

Ana closed her eyes. This wasn't going to be good.