Author's Note: Oh… only 3 reviews? I guess you are really sad or mad about what I decided. But though I hope you will still like the next Chapters *smiling*… Thanks to whom who are still here with me, I appreciate that very much =) and here's the next part.
All my best wishes to all of you
-Sun
Chapter 24 – You had time
(Calliope's pov)
Love is everything we have and it has been with me all my life.
I was born because of love and I was born into love.
My parents loved me and I shared love with me friends.
I had great lovers, but I didn't know what great love is until I met her, and I realized how painful love can be when she left me.
But I never gave up on love, there couldn't only be one love in your whole life?
In my case there has been only one true love.
However, believe me, sometimes you can't differ between true love and the wish to feel loved and be able to love… you can lie to yourself without realizing, until you finally stand in front of the truth; until you know what you've felt all your life: There's this person you could never forget, one love you can't let go, one girl who belongs to you… there's this feeling… that makes a simple touch to something breath- taking and a short glance to something special. It feels so good… so pure… and so right.
And suddenly you know what to do.
You run as fast as you can, until your lungs burn, and you can't breathe anymore. You stand in front of a blue door, breathlessly, your limbs feeling numb, but your heart feels alive like no time before.
And that's love.
I knock on the door, furiously, driven by the thoughts of us, together, driven by the freedom I now have. All the time I hated it to leave her and live a life that wasn't meant to be mine… I should have ended it earlier… but the responsibility belonged to me like my own heart, because my parents taught me to be true to my own words… and even if it was rushed, even if it was in a small chapel in Las Vegas… it was what I did and what I said… what I promised…
But those words were never enough, not compared what my heart screamed loudly, forcing me to follow my true feelings.
And finally I can breathe again; a never ending smile is leaving my lips and the whole day I couldn't forget how she looked at me this morning, so full of love and hope…
I knocked more loudly and I couldn't wait for her to open the door.
"The door is open." She called out with her voice sounding so strange in my ears, but I couldn't think about something else than saying sorry, than looking into her blue eyes, loosing myself in them, touching her soft cheeks, right before I'd grace her velvet lips…
I walk through her flat, her scent lingering everywhere and she is so clearly presented every where I see… But nothing else counts as finally reaching her and so I follow her voice into her bedroom.
"Arizona…" I say smiling as I open the door, awaiting her, sitting on her bed reading a book like she always used to, but instead she's standing there with a suitcase in front of her and I can't believe what I'm seeing. What is she doing? But most of all… Why… Wouldn't she have told me if she had planned moving away again or leaving the town? Wouldn't she have said anything at least?
"What… are you doing?"
How can I go home
with nothing to say
(Arizona's pov)
Now and then you make decisions and even though you know it might be wrong, it feels right when you decide to do it. It feels like the only thing you can do…
My heart aches here in Seattle and I can't even cry, because there's nothing left anymore…
I can't fight anymore, even if I want, but sometimes you are not strong enough. Sometimes your body starts to feel as worn out as your heart and you simply resign. In some ways… you even start to give up, and there's nothing else than leaving to clear your head.
As I recognize a loud knock on the door I simply shout "The door is open", but I feel a flinch in my stomach… I spoke Teddy on her mailbox asking her to come to me before I was taking the flight back to the place where I hoped to find my peace and the strength to keep her in my life no matter what was going to be… All I knew that I could never let her go and all I felt was sorrow and pain and the knowledge that right now we couldn't be anything.
And before I'd leave I had to say Teddy goodbye, seeing her or at least talking to her to explain why I go away right now.
But it wasn't Teddy who opened the door to my bedroom. I didn't even had to spin around or hear her voice to recognize her presence… her scent alone encompassed me and I almost forgot what I needed to do, instead I wanted to stay…
"Arizona…" Her voice sounded so happy, until she saw the clothes in my bag and my blank eyes. "What… What are you doing?"
I know you're going to look at me that way
and I say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time
I had to look away… I couldn't look her in the eyes, because that might change my will, it might bring me back into her arms, where I wanted to be… but I couldn't… we shouldn't anymore… not now…
"I'm leaving for a while…" I reply dryly.
"Wha… How… how long are you leaving?" Her voice suddenly dies and I spin around for the first time, looking her into the eyes directly. What is it what I see? Fear, Sadness, Insecurity, Love?
"I don't know…" Honesty is all I can give her.
"Where do you go?" In her voice it's clearly printed down that she hates to have to ask me. She hates to be near me, but not near enough.
"Home… I'm going home…"
"But… But, you can't. You can't go…"
Why, Calliope? Why can't I leave?, is all I want to ask her. I want to know why she needed so long, why she has to come in, one moment before I want to leave. She had so many hours, so many days, so many weeks… I was there… I know it was my fault in the first place to let her go, but… I waited for her all the time… and she had time… But now… I can't no longer.
"You can't go… because I need you here."
So many nights and so many days I waited for her to say it…
But sometimes it comes jut one minute too late.
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head
(Calliope's pov)
She didn't say anything; she just looked away, avoiding my gaze. I knew why she was doing it, because I knew her well enough. She couldn't look me in the eye, because her eyes would tell me anything and my eyes would get in the away of her plans.
"I'm free… I'm free for you, Ari… After thinking about doing it for so long… Ari… I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for letting you down so many times… but I talked to George when I left you again… and Arizona… here I am just for you…"
When she says nothing again I take a step forward and I feel released when she doesn't take a step back, but instead she gives in when I touch her cheek with my right hand, forcing her to look up.
"Every kiss, every touch, every word was true… I meant everything I said and I loved you all the way… and I'm sorry that it took so long."
I know she waited for me to say it, but the struggle is clear presented in her eyes and in her whole body.
"I can't, Callie…" Is all she can say.
You'll say did they love you or what
I'll say they love what I do
the only one who really loves me is you
"I want you more than anything else… but too much happened and it just can't continue like nothing has been… I want you and you know that… But I'll go home to my parents to be able to rest and think about it…. I'll go and I don't know how long, but I'll…"
"No, Ari… don't do anything… just stay… you don't have to leave…" I say desperately and I don't know what to do anymore.
"My flight is already booked, Calliope…"
"Then cancel it…"
"I can't."
"Why, Ari, Why?"
"Please… just try to understand me… just try it once… I need time… like you needed time… But I promise I'll be there… and I'll wait for you again, if you want to find me… but we both need time…"
And somehow I even understand what she means and how she feels. She needs time and I'll give it to her…
We stand there minutes in silence, because I can't find the will to say anything at all. Maybe this is not the end of us… but I don't want her to leave either.
And then suddenly she breaks the silence, trying to smile my way.
"If you want… take me to the airport… I'd love to spend the rest of the time with you…"
I nod wordlessly and help her to close the suitcase just like years ago when I went with her to the airport to see her flying to another place where we couldn't be together like before, and now I couldn't see her how much I wanted or needed either.
But I nodded… I couldn't let her go without saying goodbye. And I couldn't let her go without trying.
you'll say it's really good to see you
you'll say I missed you horribly
you'll say let me carry that
give that to me
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and I'll look out the window making jokes
about the way things are
(Arizona's pov)
A long time ago when we were young it wasn't easy to say goodbye, but it was easier to believe.
The morning of my departure was filled with sadness, with fear and the feeling to let the love of your life go.
The atmosphere was tensed, it was heavy on my shoulders and somehow I even felt guilty for leaving her here. Though she always gave me the feeling that nothing I did was wrong. She kissed me, she touched me sweetly, she talked and talked without a pause… it was her way to say goodbye to. It was her way to make it feel like a normal day.
We stayed in bed forever, making love for hours and in the night we didn't even sleep for a second. We wanted to be awake the whole time we had left together, until we would spend weeks apart from each other. We simply needed to be, just Calliope and me.
It was hard, but it was also oh so simple…
She drove me to the airport and we listened to the song, to our song, singing along. "Let's take a picture now, I do not want to forget, The way you look at me when everything is perfect… Because I've made room in my heart You ask me what I'm doing I say displaying our love
I can see you when I'm awake and you're the one I'm dreaming of…"
And as we sang, I never looked away from her and touched her leg to be connected with her. Then she looked at me and I will never forget what I saw…
It was immeasurable mournfulness that I caused, but it was also love, so soft and willingly.
She would have taken anything, ever word and every scar, every heartache, as long as she could be with me. To concentrate on the road, she looked away again, but she took my hand in hers, kissed my knuckles and guided me to her chest where her heart was furiously pounding.
"You feel that?" She asked softly and I simply nodded. I was so fixated and caught by this plain touch, that no word could left my mouth at all.
"It's because of you… I don't want to let you go, but I believe… We'll get through this…"
Her voice cracks as she looks into my eyes again and I see tears welling up as she stops the car at the side road.
She couldn't drive anymore and I needed to feel her close, so I was relieved when the car stopped and I freely released the strap that kept me away from her and I sneaked my arms around her as good as I could.
I held her close by my side and kissed her forehead, her hair, I smelled her one last time; I kissed her cheeks and desperately I kissed her lips, clinging onto this feeling as I whispered: "We'll get through this… We'll get through anything…" a thousand times, until she stopped shivering and instead looking into my eyes, nodding.
Then she kissed me again, closing her eyes. It wasn't as desperate as before.
No… it was dulcet and soft, long and tender, saying all I ever needed to hear:
"Yes… we will."
But 15 years later it was different. We couldn't smile, we couldn't laugh. We couldn't do anything than sitting at each other, knowing we were there, but our mouths were closed, so that no word could leave them. When we were together, we felt alone, but we weren't. We would never be as long as we could be there. Only being.
We didn't say anything for the whole drive, but before we could reach the airport her hand found mine, and she held it, stroking it softly. She held my hand that a glance of her eyes wasn't needed to tell me what she wanted: "Don't go, give us time."
But in life decisions are not always so easy. No, they are not done easily… and if it comes to love your head tells you something else than your heart, and the only connection is your soul, connecting your head and your heart… but what are your doing when your soul is broken in two pieces… the one needing time to find out what's the best… and the next already knowing what you have always wanted.
No… sometimes it's not easy to say… yes.
how can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time
(Calliope's pov)
So we stood there at this large airport where people said hello or goodbye to each other. An atmosphere embossed with love. I still held her hand, because I needed this simple touch, I needed this sort of connection to believe that this isn't goodbye forever. I need to believe that our love is stronger than anything else in my life, and if she goes this isn't meant to be goodbye. This is meant to be: I'll just need time, but I'll be back… I will be back…
But though I can't let her go… I can't just let her go.
We stand there in front of a silver barrier, of a detector, in front of a gate that will bring her away from here.
But I won't let her go.
I tighten the grip on her hand and spin around so I can face her, look into her watery now almost crystal blue eyes as I tend to smile.
"Marry me."
Her mouth gaps open. "What...?"
"There's only one thing before you leave… Arizona, Marry me. We could… live by the sea, like they do in the movies. Or we… We could live in a beautiful flat filled with your books and my movies, a flat filled with our stuff, smelling and looking like you and the kitchen would be mine. And you… you could do everything you want to do… make it all bubbly and… smiley… and colour the walls in rainbow colours. Do whatever you want… Just marry me."
It was the first time tears rolled down her cheeks, an ocean that flowed into a lonely lake while she was licking over her lips. Sorrowful she looked into my eyes.
"I wish… I wish I could…" She whispered softly and it was her who tightened the grip this time. It was her who came nearer; it was Arizona who made the final movement to let her lips ghostly grace mine. It was a ghost kiss, so gently I had to ask myself if it was reality or a dream.
"I wish I could… but… One day I'm your affair and the next day I am your wife… You don't want me to leave, but not like that… I love you, still, more than you might believe now… but what happened… There's nothing left for me here but you Calliope… I hope that you'll find out what you really want. There's so much I wish I'd know. I have to do this on my own. I hope that you understand, understand anything of what I try to understand… But I will always wait for you… and maybe you will know soon… maybe we can talk when I come back…"
And there was only one last kiss and I gazed the floor.
There was only one kiss before she spun around and I lost the grip of her hand, desperately trying to hold her close, but she went away, walking to the silver barrier, but before she left, I felt a breeze. I felt a rush before her hands held me impossible close and her lips were on mine, she kissed me desperately and I opened my mouth to intensify the feeling, the feeling of us… And then she looked up into my eyes and I could read her thoughts, that she wanted to stay with me, but I also knew that there are things we have to do…
And we need time.
Then finally she stepped back again, smiling sadly as she was crying silently. Only tear tracks and the vibration in her voice were evidently.
"This isn't goodbye."