Chapter 24 Review:
*Kate is discharged from the hospital and visits Rick.
*Rick gets released, and once home, has a family conversation with Kate and Alexis where he tells them he'll step away from Kate's mom's case.
*Kate realizes that home is where the heart is, and that means wherever Rick is. She decides to accept Rick's offer to move in together, and is waiting for the right moment to tell him.
*Kate gives all her notes about her mom's case to Gates, only to find out that Gates had already figured out Montgomery's involvement. Gates assures Kate that she's not out to tarnish Montgomery's reputation, just to find the truth, which will mean bringing in some trusted friend's including Agent Shaw.
Chapter 25
Today Kate didn't feel much like sitting in the big brown leather chair. Instead, she gripped her coffee cup while standing, staring wordlessly out the window.
"Kate?"
"Hmmmm?"
"You didn't answer my question."
"I'm sorry. Could you repeat it?"
"I asked if you'd experienced any side effects to the Xanax." Dr. Burke repeated.
"Uh, no. No. It's been fine."
"Good. I know for most people it takes a couple weeks, but do you feel that it's started working?"
"I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm not weeping in the corner or afraid to go out, but I'm not numb and unfeeling either."
"The intent was never to hinder emotion, but to help you find a desired level of emotional control."
Kate didn't respond.
The doctor made some notes, and then sat back and observed her quietly. Kate didn't notice, nor did she care. She'd grown accustomed to his quiet study of her and her situation. She just returned her attention to the sprawling city just outside the large pane of glass.
"I can't help but notice your distraction today. Would you like to talk about it?"
She sipped her coffee slowly, allowing the steamy liquid to slip down her throat, leaving a trail of heat in it's wake.
"Most people think of anniversaries as a time to celebrate. Unfortunately, most of the anniversaries in my life mark pain or loss."
"And today is one of those anniversaries?"
Kate bit her bottom lip until it hurt and nodded dismally.
"Captain Montgomery?"
"Yeah," she answered, the hoarseness in her voice making it sound foreign even to her.
"This morning I drove to the cemetery to place flowers on his grave, but I never even got out of the car. His family was there, and I just couldn't face them. They were robbed of a husband and father, and for what?" Kate began to pace. "Evelyn, his wife, has aged. If I ran into her on the street I might not have even recognized her. And his kids, they've grown up so much, even I could see that. He should have been here to see that too. I know that he made some mistakes in his life, but Roy was a good man, a REALLY GOOD man. I know he thought that facing his demons would atone for those mistakes and also save me by default, but he's gone, and those sins still exist whether he's here to answer for them or not, and I was still in danger. His death was absolutely senseless."
"From what you've told me, he didn't believe his death would be in vain. In fact, I believe you told me he said he was making a stand. I'm sure that throughout time, many a hero has fallen for a greater cause, but to those feeling the loss, it was still a senseless death. Perhaps, especially in situations like this, the loss of life is only senseless if we perceive it that way."
XXXXXXXXXXX
"How'd your appointment go? You look... less burdened," Rick asked when Kate arrived back at the loft.
"Pretty good. Dr. Burke has a knack for putting things into perspective."
"He seems like a good guy."
"He is. And if you want... you can meet him."
"You want me to come to a session with you?
"No, not a regular session. If you're feeling up to it though, Dr Burke wants to meet up with us at the cemetery. It'll be one year since the shooting."
"I still can't believe it's been a whole year.. Yeah I'll go with you. I think it will be good for both of us."
"I hope. I'm not looking forward to it. Today is bad enough."
Rick lifted his uninjured arm to Kate, who snuggled against his side.
Silence dominated the room while they explored their thoughts and memories. Kate's eyes were closed when Rick's chest began to bounce. At first she thought he was having trouble breathing but when she sat up, realized that she was chuckling.
"What?" she asked.
"I was just thinking about if Roy were here now, how he'd love to see us finally together."
The image broke through the black cloud around her heart and brought a grin to her face. "You're right. I know he thought he was being subtle, and I refused to acknowledge it, but he had a bit of a romantic matchmaker in him didn't he?"
"More than you know."
"What's that supposed to mean."
"I can't say. He swore me to secrecy."
"No, no, no, if it involves me I want to know."
Rick kissed the tip of her nose and then pulled back to consider the request.
"I suppose all things considered now, he wouldn't care. But don't spread it around."
Kate was intrigued.
"One day, not long after Gina and I broke up, I had a poker night, and Montgomery came. It was a bad night for all of us, except Tony Rush, who was cleaning up. And the more we lost, the more we drank. Well Roy had had more than usual when Weldon asked me if the papers were right about the break up. I confirmed it and then Roy says... 'Finally you're both single again. Maybe this time you'll get it right. I was thinking I was going to have to set up something where you two would have to go under cover together for a week or something, but I didn't want to put you in a position where you might cheat on anyone.' I was stunned but all I could think of saying was that you were with Josh."
"What did he say about that?"
"I believe the quote was, "Dammit, but you make her so happy."
Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, you're making that up."
"Scout's honor."
"You were never a scout."
"It's still the honest truth. The next day he called me and made me promise not to say anything about what he'd said, cuz it was just the alcohol talking."
"That man..." Kate said in exaggerated chagrin.
But Rick finished for her "...loved you like a daughter and only wanted the best for you."
"And you're what's best for me?"
"You tell me. Am I?"
She nodded slowly while closing the space between them. "Yes," she kissed him lightly, "Yes you are."
The kiss was awkward due to Rick's one arm being sore and in a sling, but the passion was still there.
Kate's heart lept and she knew she'd found her moment.
"Baby," she said against Rick's lips. When he wouldn't let her break away to speak,"Rick?" she tried again.
"Hmmmmm?" he answered against her.
When his mouth left hers so that it could trail hot kisses down her neck, she was finally able to talk.
"Remember the other day, you asked me a question that I couldn't answer yet?"
It must have taken a little while for the question to penetrate his aroused mind, but she knew exactly when it did. He pulled back just enough to look in her eyes. "Yes."
"I'm ready."
"To answer?" he asked tentatively.
"To live with you... if the offer is still out there."
"Of course it is! Really? You want to move in?"
"I do. I've realized that living with you doesn't change me, it completes me. Whenever I'm with you, I'm home."
"I love you so much Kate."
"I know, maybe even as much as I love you."
XXXXXXXXXXX
Saturday May 19, 2012
1 year.
12 months.
52 weeks.
365 days.
I still remember it as if it were yesterday.
On May 19, 2011, I woke up after a long fitful night and prepared to say goodbye to a man I loved and respected. A man who understood the roles of authority and quietly led by example. A man who was supervisor, commander, father and friend all in one. A man who made his stand and by doing so, willingly took a bullet meant for me.
How do you say goodbye to a man like that? How do you sum up that man's life in a few carefully chosen words?
Several hours before the funeral, Rick, Kevin and Javi came over and we shared a private moment. We hadn't planned it. It just happened. Rick came over to check on me, just as Ryan and Esposito showed up at my building with the same intent. At the time I told them I was fine, but I invited them in anyway. I knew I wasn't fine, and I could see they weren't either.
It was a moment of bonding that I'll cherish forever, even though I despise the circumstances in which it came about. That morning we were more than friends and partners. We became a family of the truest sense. And together we mourned our patriarch in a way that no other soul on earth would understand.
By the time the memorial service was underway, I was completely numb. Seeing Roy Montgomery's family tore at my heart. Carrying the weight of the casket felt like carrying the weight of the world.
Rick and I had both been asked to speak before Roy's brother, Rev. Harvey Montgomery gave a brief message. I was both honored and terrified to fulfill the request, and had spent most of the day before, trying to find the right words. Many hours of thought and many more sheets of paper were wasted before I figured out that the words that I needed to share weren't mine, but Roy's.
When I stepped up to the podium, Rick, who'd just finished speaking, stayed near by even though he could have taken a seat. His quiet support, gave me a strength I needed but didn't know I could possess.
Little did I know that his decision to stand by my side probably saved my life. He says that just after I began speaking, he saw something out of the corner of his eye that just put him on alert. It wasn't early enough to prevent the sniper's bullet from hitting me, but his warning was just enough so that I turned slightly. The inch or so of movement was just enough for the bullet to miss my heart.
I never heard the shot. And I'm not even sure that I remember feeling the bullet hit, but I'll never forget the pain of liquid fire spreading through my chest.
I know Rick tackled me to the ground, not knowing if he was putting himself in the way of another bullet. I remember the weight of his body and the inability to take a deep breath as we landed in the grass.
It's odd, but even in the chaos of the moment, my fears, pain and panic vanished for an instant and the only thing I knew in that brief second was the smell of his cologne and that the blue of his eyes were as bright and beautiful as the sky above us.
I don't know why I felt that way or why I remember it so clearly, but I think it will forever be cemented in my mind.
I know I tried to talk but my body didn't respond. The numbing paralysis of shock had taken effect. The only sense that seemed to work after a few seconds, was my hearing, and for that I'm so grateful, because if that had failed me too, I would have missed Rick telling me that he loved me.
I have no way of knowing for sure, but in my heart I believe it was knowing that he loved me that helped me survive. He gave me a reason to fight, to live.
Now a year later, here I am, healthy, strong and for the first time in many years, truly happy. I'll always carry the physical and emotional scars of that day, but like Javi once told me, "Everyone has scars, some are just more visible than others. But we should wear our scars like a badge of honor, not because they remind us of our battles, but that we survived them to live another day."
Today those scars hurt like they've been ripped back open, but with a little help, I know they will heal again, thicker and stronger, so that next time I face these ghosts and wounds, the pain won't be quite as deep.
When Kate had finished putting her thoughts down on paper, she placed the journal in "her" nightstand next to Rick's... correction... their bed. Technically she wouldn't be moving in for another week, but since accepting Rick's invitation, she'd yet to sleep at her apartment.
Rick emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a white t-shirt, black pants and socks, and carrying a black button down shirt.
He held it out toward her as he approached. "Mind giving me a hand?"
Kate took the shirt and held it for him while he gingerly maneuvered his arms into the sleeves. Then she buttoned each button and tucked the hem of the shirt into his pants. "Where's your belt and sling?"
"The sling is next to the sink. I hadn't picked out a belt yet."
She patted his rear and headed to the closet while he fetched the sling for his injured arm.
After she grabbed a belt, she turned and called to Rick. "Jacket and tie too?"
"What did Dr. Burke say? Do we need to dress exactly the same or just similar?"
"He said that we aren't re-creating the day, but that he recommended having things feel similar. That we should dress similar, and he'll have a couple chairs and a podium there just to help us feel some of the details."
"Then I'll skip the tie and just grab a jacket."
Kate took one out and laid it on the bed, before going back to her side of the closet and removing a garment bag.
Carefully she unzipped the long navy bag. She'd never worn this uniform yet. It was a replacement for the one she'd worn last year.
The police dress uniform always made Kate proud. It was an honor to be one of New York City's finest and the dark material and shiny buttons that were only brought out for special occasions never failed to remind her of that... no matter how somber the occasion.
Once dressed and ready, Kate and Rick headed out of the loft and down to the garage below the building.
Rick handed Kate his key chain. "I thought maybe we could take the SUV today unless you want to drive the Vic."
Kate had never driven the Porsche Cayenne hybrid before but was happy to do so. She didn't want to take the Crown Victoria and Rick's sport's car seemed out of place for what they were doing.
The moment she turned on the car, soft music began to play. Normally she preferred to drive in silence but today she was grateful for the slight distraction.
Normally when she drove, Rick rested his hand on her thigh, but with that arm slung snugly to his chest, she missed the familiar gesture.
Neither Kate or Rick spoke as they drove through the streets, so when the radio changed from a commercial to an introduction of a Jason Mraz song, they both noticed.
The guitar's first strums were soft and sad, matching the emotional climate of the vehicle, drawing Kate into the melody.
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold.
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are.
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love.
I'm still looking up.
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find.
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth.
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it.
No, I won't give up.
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake.
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn.
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up).
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved).
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved).
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it).
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.
By the time the song ended Kate could feel hot tears pricking at the backs of her eyes. She fought hard and succeeded to keep them at bay, but it wasn't easy.
A quick look to her side told her, that Rick was also moved by the song. She reached over and dropped her hand to his thigh, giving it a meaningful squeeze until he covered her hand with his.
"I don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without you in my life, Kate. Thank you for taking a chance on me"
"I'm learning that the best things in life are worth the greatest risks. Without you, I wouldn't know real happiness. Thank you for being patient and not giving up on me, even when I pushed you away."
"I could never give up on you."
XXXXXXXXXXX
As the car slowly wound it's way through the curving roads of the cemetery, Kate noticed that another funeral was taking place not far from where Montgomery was laid to rest. It wasn't so close that they'd be interfering, but close enough that large flags flapping in the wind were visible, and the military drum and pipe band could be clearly heard.
Before they pulled to a stop behind Dr. Burke's car, Rick had already pointed out the man sitting in a small row of chairs.
"You ready to do this?" Rick asked.
"Yeah. I think so."
Rick leaned over and captured her lips briefly before they got out of the car.
The sound of the car doors closing must have alerted the doctor of their presence because that was when he turned, stood and began walking toward them.
When the three met up, Kate made the introductions.
"Dr. Burke, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Rick Castle. Rick, Dr. Carter Burke."
"Nice to meet you, Doctor," Rick greeted, "Kate has told me a lot about you."
"It's good to meet you too. I'd say Kate's told me a lot about you as well, but I'd hate to break patient confidentiality."
The "therapist joke" earned half smiles from both Kate and Rick.
"In all seriousness though, I'm glad you both decided to come here today. Much like happy anniversaries of weddings, births and such can emotionally bring a person back to a day we want to remember; anniversaries of trauma can be just as vivid, perhaps more so, of a day we'd often like to forget. I've found that with my patients experiencing PTSD, revisiting the trauma, in some way, on these anniversaries can help the victim distance themselves from the incident. This helps the survivor see that the trauma is over; that life continues on even when memories try to freeze us in time."
Rick nodded. Kate bit her bottom lip.
"What I'd like you to do first, is just walk around the area, separately or together, and just take note of things that are the same as last year and the things that are different. Take this time to also reflect on what personally is the same and what has changed. Take your time. Don't rush it. Try to use all your senses. We'll talk when you're both ready."
Dr. Burke moved away from the grave site and stood under a tree watching them discreetly.
At first Kate didn't move. She looked around the immediate grounds and just wondered how a year could have already passed.
She wasn't sure how much time passed before Rick took her hand, but when he did, they walked to Roy's headstone together.
Kate dropped to her knees and ran her white gloved hands across the name engraved into the cool stone. On either side of the humble monument stood a small American flag. Sweet scented bouquets of flowers surrounded them, and a florist's ribbon that proclaimed "loving father" danced in the breeze.
Kate closed her eyes and tried to picture Roy as he really was. Not the body bleeding out on an airplane hanger's floor, but the man among men, whom they all loved. Like she'd learned so many years ago with her mother, although she could still bring a picture to mind, time made it harder and harder to do so.
The sound of drums and bagpipes again floated toward them from the nearby funeral, bringing Kate back to when she, Rick, Ryan, Esposito, Collins and Brayburn carried the Captain to his final resting place. Kate stood and walked up the slight hill to where the hearse had been parked. From where she stood, she could see lawns full of white grave markers; respectful reminders of the men and women who'd selflessly served their country and community.
She watched as Rick stared out toward a cluster of trees. She knew from experience and from reviewing reports that he was looking out toward where the sniper had waited for his chance to strike. The detective in her wanted to see what he saw, wanted to know if maybe being back in the same place she would see something or remember something that would be helpful to the case. Even though they were pretty sure they'd got her sniper, there were still many questions left unanswered, and if she could shine some more light onto it, maybe... Her thoughts trailed off. She didn't even know what "maybe" she could hope for. It wouldn't bring people back. Would it make any difference at all?
Kate approached the podium Dr. Burke had set up. In actuality, it wasn't much more than a wooden music stand, but it served it's purpose. She stood behind it, looking out to the small row of chairs. In her mind she could place many familiar faces in them, exactly as they were that day. She closed her eyes and let the warmth of the spring sunshine touch her cheeks, as she tried to picture the scene before the shooting. Parts of the eulogy she had been giving came back to her, as well as other small details like remembering noticing her father sitting next to Martha, and the way Evelyn Montgomery's hands clutched the folded flag in her lap. But never had she noticed anything amiss.
Out of the corner of Kate's eye, she noticed Rick had returned to her side, as he had that day. She turned to him with a sad smile just as the sound of a rifle shot cracked through the air. Kate dove to the ground, with Rick falling on top of her before she realized that they were OK. Two more rifle volleys followed the first, echoing in the silence.
"Baby, get up, she said shakily, as she carefully pushed Rick off of her. "It's OK. It was just the military salute from the other funeral."
"You sure you're OK?" He asked while gripping her hand. His face was white as a ghost.
"I am. What about you? How's your shoulder?" She had to focus on him, here and now, and not on the current fears and past ghosts that sought to control her.
He tried to move his arm slowly. "I'm sure it'll be sore later, but I don't think I did any damage."
Dr. Burke ran up. "Are you guys OK?"
They nodded and stood, while wiping blades of grass from their clothes.
Kate looked around carefully. There was no one else around. "Yeah, I should have been expecting that I guess, but it, uh... startled me."
The three headed to the chairs. Rick and Kate were both still obviously shaken but seemed to be managing.
"I'm happy to see both of you looking surprisingly calm. Do either of you want to talk about what just happened?"
Kate was still sorting it all out for herself and Rick seemed to understand that, so he went first.
"Hearing the shot, especially right here and now, understandably hit close to home. I can't say that it scared me, per say... at least not like last year. I think part of me knew it was OK, but I couldn't stop myself from reacting."
"Instinctive behavior is often what saves us in dangerous situations. Your reaction was certainly quite understandable." Dr. Burke looked from Rick to Kate and then back to Rick again. "Now that you know what the shot was and that you're safe, do you feel paniced or insecure?"
Rick took a deep breath which he blew out his lips. "I'm a little shaky, but not bad."
The doctor nodded. "And what what about you Kate?"
"Um, well... At first I was terrified. It was like I felt the shot hit my chest. But as soon as Rick landed on me, I was more concerned about him. Thankfully I recognized the sounds of the volleys quickly, cuz for a split second I thought he'd been hit. Then everything just became super clear and focused and I knew we were OK. It's funny in a way, because even though I wasn't expecting to be in any danger today, I hadn't felt "OK" all morning. Now after getting the crap scared out of me... I do."
"Interesting. Why do think the scare ended up bringing you an element of comfort?"
She shrugged, unsure. "I don't know. Maybe just knowing that we were OK, helped to remind me that we are going to be OK?"
"Are you asking me or telling me? There's no right or wrong answer. It's what you think and feel."
"I don't really know why. I guess it could be a lot of things, but I do know that I feel..." she looked at Rick who took her hand. "... like I've gotten past something that's been holding me back."
Dr. Burke nodded. "Now that you feel that freedom, what are you going to do with it?"
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A/N: Hi guys! Thank you for being patient with this late chapter. I figured that being home in bed for a few days last week would allow me more time to write. I didn't count on the pain pills completely knocking me out, stealing my ability for rational thought and giving me the read and comprehension skills of a first grader.
Also thank you for all your lovely prayers and well wishes too. I appreciated it. Surgery went well, I'm back on my feet for the most part and feeling pretty good.
Well, even though this chapter was late, I'm still planning to post the next chapter Monday. It will most likely be the final chapter as well. It's been fun but all good things must come to an end.
If you're looking to find the song used in this chapter, it's called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. I'd like to thank Teelduo for bringing this song to my attention. I'd never heard it before, and it's just beautiful. It won't let me post a link here, but I'll put a youtube link up on my Twitter and Tumblr (CastleFFDeBo81). I encourage you to check it out.
Like the Castle characters, I own no part of this song and use it with utmost respect.
I think that's all for this time. Have a great week! Happy Valentine's Day! See you again soon!
DeBo81