--- Games/Playing ---
1. Arms are not portable rope toys.
2. Biting ankles will get me nowhere if I want to play.
3. I will not give up chasing a ball whenever someone throws a ball too far away.
4. I will not run away from my human because I enjoy having her chase me all around my neighborhood.
5. When my human points to my toy on the floor, then I will look down and see it instead of looking up and biting her arm.
6. While playing with my female human and I am trying to keep my male human away, I will not forget who's who and bite her
arm. (It's more of a nip than a bite, but he always gets the tender upper-inside of my arm!)
--- Gross! ---
1. Canine caviar (from the generous cats' box) does not have to be indulged in, or followed by canine salad (from the generous
horses!)
2. Cat poop is not a recognized dietary supplement. I will not carry it into either of my humans' beds, leave it on the bedroom floor,
etc. Better yet, I will just stay out of the cat's litter box.
3. Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
4. Eating the hair in the bathtub drain is the cat's job, not mine. The shampoo will make the cat cough it up anyway, and I can eat it
then.
5. I promise I won't eat my human's afghan then try to poop it out in the yard. Poop attached to a long piece of red yarn is not
attractive. (My fiancé wanted me to pull on it to get it out and I refused because I wasn't sure what may be attached to the other
end.)
6. I promise to stay out of the cat's litter box. There really are no treats in there for me.
7. I will not attempt to help my human clean out the cat's litter box , then barf it up, litter and all, on her nice clean bedspread just
before she gets home (it soaks down into her sheets and blankets and she gets REAL MAD!).
8. I will not bark with my mouth full.
9. I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when my humans have guests.
10. I will not breathe on my human after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
11. I will not bring in rotting snake heads and drop them in someone's lap (especially venomous ones).
12. I will not bring the slimy, decaying, desiccated corpse of a dead squirrel into the house and try to bury it in my human's bed (or
anywhere else in the house, for that matter). I will not try to bring the same dead squirrel in the house by another door after it has
been frozen into a corpsicle. This applies to all dead things, as well as sticks and the turds of other animals that I find in my yard.
(This was a three week saga.)
13. I will not burp an inch from my human's face after I have been a "Turd Burglar" in the cats' litter box. The putrid vapors usually
render her unconscious!
14. I will not bury half-eaten dead rabbits in Grandma's garden.
15. I will not catch and eat squirrels in the back yard and then act offended when my human doesn't want me to lick her face
afterward.
16. I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my mouth playing Catch The Dog with my human.
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Further, I will not then regurgitate them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with my human again. (Why does my human keep
shrieking like that?)
17. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my human will think I am hemorrhaging.
18. I will not chew on or swallow used condoms.
19. I will not clean up after the cat when he throws up his breakfast. (Actually, I rather like that habit, as then I don't have to.)
20. I will not consume numerous plastic bags, then expect my human to pull them from my anus when I can't push them out by
myself,and I'm in a squat position with the aforementioned bags protruding under my tail (in a -45 snowstorm in January)."
21. I will not cough up hunks of saliva onto the upholstery of the new car.
22. I will not drool on my human when she is eating.
23. I will not drool onto the dinner table or my human's plate.
24. I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into my human's lap.
25. I will not eat "Coulee kibble" (any poop I find, be it dog or deer).
26. I will not eat a bag of marshmallows complete with bag and then throw the whole gooey mess back up onto my human's new
king-sized down-filled waterbed comforter.
27. I will not eat an entire jar (12 oz) of Vaseline because it causes me to leave many "mud puddles" around the house for the
humans to clean up.
28. I will not eat an entire wash rag and then pass it whole out the other end, prompting my human to give me the American Indian
name of "Kismet Two-tails"
29. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a
house guest who had been warned not to leave his socks around. It had been 'processed' and the pattern was still recognizable in
the pile in the back yard.)
30. I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
31. I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass
door with a rodent tail hanging from my mouth while my human is eating dinner!
32. I will not eat my frozen poop-sicles from the front lawn.
33. I will not eat my own vomit.
34. I will not eat other animals' poop.
35. I will not eat out of the toddler's potty any more. (It really grosses everyone out, but why do the humans insist on dumping the
contents into my other water bowl and flushing it away?)
36. I will not eat rabbit and/or guinea pig poop, even though I think these are tasty treats.
37. I will not eat sheep poop. My humans worry about little things like that.
38. I will not eat squirrels that the cat previously killed and then dragged into my doghouse and left there.
39. I will not eat the dirty diapers left in the trash.
40. I will not eat the nasty, smelly poops of the guinea pigs.
41. I will not eat the stuffing from my bed because I will have a hard time pooping it out (my poop is all strung together).
42. I will not exhale/snurfle and deposit dog slurm on the littlest triangle windows in the back seat of the car.
43. I will not frantically chase bugs around the house, chew on them, and then spit their little corpses out and redecorate the kitchen
floor.
44. I will not get in the trash and eat my human's feminine products.
45. I will not get the Kleenexes and toilet paper out of the trash cans and eat them. The trash can is not a big doggy bowl.
46. I will not give my human bugs as a present.
47. I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about to put on.
48. I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
49. I will not lick my human's ear canal when she picks me up.
50. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
51. I will not lick my human's face after eating from the Kitty Buffet Pan (cat litter box) and pretending that I didn't because my
human can smell the offensive snack on my breath and gets very upset.
52. I will not lick my human's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
53. I will not lick my humans' feet (after they remove socks/tights) after they've been to the gym and didn't shower afterwards.
54. I will not lick my human's friend's tongue, even if she is sticking it out at me.
55. I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
56. I will not lick the inside of my human's nose. She says this feels nasty.
57. I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
58. I will not lick up my female partner's urine after she does her thing outdoors near me.
59. I will not make my human throw my fetch toy after I have been gumming it for an hour.
60. I will not park my soggy, slimy rawhide chew behind my human's ear in bed so that I can find it later in the dark, especially as
they are just falling asleep.
61. I will not pick out the old bubble gum from my human's trashcan, chew it, and then leave it on the floor.
62. I will not poop under my humans' bed then try to eat it so I don't get caught.
63. I will not puke spaghetti and lasagna on the floor when I have been told not to eat it and I have had every opportunity to go
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outside and throw up.
64. I will not push drool-covered toys against my human's face when she is lying down.
65. I will not raid the bathroom garbage can for snotty tissues and chew them up, leaving small moist rolled-up tissue balls all over
the house.
66. I will not roll in anything that smells worse than myself.
67. I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
68. I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
69. I will not roll on the dead skunk as I am afraid of baths.
70. I will not run over to my human after eating and burp in his face
71. I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's bodies/papers from work/food.
72. I will not sit next to my human while she eats dinner and salivate to the point that streams of drool are running down her leg.
73. I will not sneak down to the creek, roll around on some really stinky dead frogs, then come back home and head for the living
room to share my new perfume with my humans.
74. I will not spray my human anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
75. I will not squash spiders on the carpet with my nose. (She's a boxer and its really nasty to tread on one of her latest kills.)
76. I will not steal the contents of the litter box, and then jump up and drool all over the couch.
77. I will not steal the contents of the litter box, and then rinse my mouth out in the water bowl that I share with the cat. This makes
the cat cross, and he will beat me up.
78. I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
79. I will not thoroughly clean my private parts and then try to French-kiss my humans.
80. I will not throw my slobbered-on toy in my human's lap.
81. I will not treat my human's jeans as towels for wiping my mouth, especially if she's wearing them. (We have a Boxer puppy,
Bruno, who does this. Now we just stand up when he comes near us after a drink.)
82. I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy
drool.
83. I will not turn up my nose at my dog food, then go over to the horse pasture and eat their poop as if it is a delicacy.
84. I will not vomit every time we go for a car ride.
85. I will not wake my human up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
86. I will refrain from eating "litter pan snacks" in the middle of my humans' bed.
87. I will stop licking the tasty drippings from my dog-brother's behind.
88. I will stop slobbering on the cats.
89. I won't roll in something real stinky and then go roll all over my human's bed to make it smell "good" too.
90. If I have to sneeze, I will turn my face away from my human, not towards her.
91. If I must drink from the toilet, I will at least wait until the human has flushed after using it.
92. It is not my duty to keep the kitty litter box clean.
93. Just because I'm feeling ill does not mean I need to crawl into my human's lap every time I'm going to vomit.
94. Just because my humans are talking to me does not mean they want a kiss.
95. Kitty box "crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs are repeat offenders.)
96. My human doesn't like it when I put a coyote skull on her pillow.
97. My humans can clean their ears without my help.
98. My humans know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal by placing my food, water, and drool-covered
chin in their laps.
99. My own urine is not a legitimate beverage, no matter how yummy it tastes. I am not to rest my head on my human's lap right
after I drink it, either.
100. The black snow along the curb that has been plowed from the street is not to be eaten even though it tastes both salty and sweet
from the de-icers.
101. The cat box is off limits to me. Cat poops are NOT a delicacy. Also, my humans do NOT appreciate it when I am overly
affectionate (I love to give kisses!) after enjoying this repugnant "snack". (Our 6-month-old pug, Scooter, has recently developed
this hobby.)
102. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
103. The neighbour's cat, who died under the car in the back yard and is now rather ripe, is *NOT* food!
104. Used Kleenex are not tasty treats. At least that's what my human tells me. (What does she know?)
105. Used Q-tips are not a snack.
106.We can't dig nice, warm, winter nests in the big pile of composted horse manure and still expect to be allowed inside the house.
107.We will not, after our human has had a long, tiring day at the hospital with her ailing spouse, leap on her happily when she comes
home late at night, after we have been skunked. We will then NOT proceed to roll our wet skunky bodies on her bed after an
ineffective bath.
108.When I am allowed to be in the car I will not insist upon siting on my human passengers lap and then proceed to spread dog snot
all over the window for my human to clean up later.
109.When my human is nice enough to bring me to the park for a run, I will not reward her by eating some other animal's messy
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poop, getting it all over my hairy little terrier face, and then wondering why she won't let me kiss her. Above all, I will NEVER
attempt to kiss my human on the mouth after such an escapade.
110. When my human says "No more food tonight", I will not show my displeasure by doing unmentionable things IN my own food
bowl.
--- Hampering ---
1. Although my human does occasionally allow me to follow her on trail rides, when she is headed four miles down the highway to
a "No dogs allowed" campus and tells me to "Stay!" I will not insist on following her. Especially since I only made it one mile
and had to be packed the rest of the way in her back pack. (Try explaining to Campus security why on earth you have a dog in a
backpack, hanging from your saddle horn on campus!)
2. Cyclists do not need to be organized. (Same goes for loud trucks, RVs, any vehicle with flapping traps, and anything with a
siren).
3. Following the neighbor farther than her mailbox is not a good idea. This causes her to have to take me back to my yard, spend
ten minutes convincing me to stay, thereby missing the first bus and ending up almost late for class instead of being there early
like she planned.
4. Homework is not meant to be trampled on.
5. I am a Golden Retriever, not a lap dog. I will not try to sit on my human's lap when riding in the car.
6. I am a solid dog. Stopping in front of my human on the stairs when she has a basket of washing and can't see me is not good for
my health, or hers.
7. I am now much too heavy for anyone but the neighbor to lift into the truck, which means that I must learn to jump up there and
wait till they attach the truck tie to my collar. (She's only 4 months old but she weighs 50 lbs.)
8. I cannot type. And even if I could, I am barely able to speak English. Therefore, I probably cannot program in Smalltalk, and will
refrain from trying to help my human at the keyboard.
9. I do not have to take my half of the bed from the exact middle.
10. I do not need to go outside every 10 minutes while my human is on the computer. Just because I don't like her to sit there for too
long, does not mean I need to whine, cry, scratch, paw, and jump at her to put me out every ten minutes. She says if I don't quit it,
she's going to get a squirt bottle and make me wet every time, which I hate.
11. I do not need to imitate a draft excluder. It confuses people when they can't get into the room they left a couple of minutes back.
12. I finally realize that my human's TV Guide is not my greatest enemy and that there is need to put it in a safe place where it
cannot hurt her.
13. I know ping-pong balls sound like so much fun, but I will leave them alone anyway, rather than running from one end of the
table to the other trying to catch one.
14. I may like the lining curtains in my new house, but I will not pull them off the curtain rod and try to hide them.
15. I will keep my head out of the dishwasher no matter what is on the dirty dishes.
16. I will move out of the way whenever I see my human struggling around carrying some big heavy piece of furniture.
17. I will never again think that my human won't mind me climbing behind his seat (since he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's
driving down an interstate in a two-seat sports car!
18. I will not attack the vacuum cleaner.
19. I will not attempt to climb in my human's lap while she is driving.
20. I will not attempt to help my humans put on their underwear or their socks.
21. I will not be right in front of the door when my human comes in with an armful of stuff from the garage.
22. I will not bury my bowl in the bottom of the garden so Mum had to search for it by torchlight while avoiding any "surprises".
23. I will not cause a traffic jam by having sex with a collie in the middle of the road. My human gets embarrassed when she has to
get me out of situations like that.
24. I will not chase the broom every time my human sweeps and I won't stand in the middle of the dust pile while she is trying to
sweep it up!
25. I will not come to a sudden and full stop directly in front of my human's feet when we are running across the street trying to beat
the traffic.
26. I will not dash happily up between my human's legs as she climbs the stairs with two bags of groceries (Even if I haven't seen her
for a month).
27. I will not decide that the blinking light on the computer is neat and hit it with my paw or nose until the light turns off for good
and my human starts swearing.
28. I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
29. I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
30. I will not flop my 110 pound body onto the floor and refuse to move when my human tries to clean my muddy paws.
31. I will not get between my human and her book when she's trying to read, and just because parts of her chest stick out and are
padded, they are not for me to brace my feet against.
32. I will not help my human by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
33. I will not 'help' my male human build a deck in the front yard by stealing the lumber and hiding it in the back yard. (She was a
very strong Bull Mastiff and every time we turned around, more 2x4's were missing. We found her sitting happily in the
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backyard, chewing on the "big stick" she retrieved.)
34. I will not incessantly insist on being petted.
35. I will not jam my nose under my human's arm when she's on the computer so that she tweaks the mouse and uninstalls Netscape
Navigator.
36. I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when my humans are already running late and ready to leave.
37. I will not jump onto the remote and change the channel/turn on/turn off the TV, especially if it is late at night. If I do this, I will
not then lie on the remote so the humans cannot find it to change it back.
38. I will not knock the pile of folded clothes from the bed as my human tries to fold the laundry.
39. I will not lie on my human's fabric when she is trying to cut out a pattern.
40. I will not lie on the foot pedal of my human's sewing machine when she is trying to use it.
41. I will not lie on the stairs directly below the rabbit on the top step so that humans in the dark have no safe place to step.
42. I will not lock my human out of the house. It took my human 3 hours and $65 to get back in the house to me. (Story: I walked
out and shut the sliding glass door, puppy (Shar-pei/ Lab mix) jumped on the door, hit the lock, and I was locked outside. Several
of my neighbors, UPS delivery guy, and the fire department tried to unlock the door. In the end, I had to call a locksmith.)
43. I will not pin my human to the bed when my cocker spaniel brother needs to go potty.
44. I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a "treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from
the trash, kitchen towels, school projects, money, etc.), when my human is trying to catch me.
45. I will not put my front paws in the sink in order to "do the dishes."
46. I will not race my human to the telephone when it rings, causing her to trip over me, and swear when she answers. It's rarely for
me anyway, and I don't have thumbs, so I couldn't hold it even if it was.
47. I will not shift the car into neutral while my human is driving 65 mph in a blizzard.
48. I will not sit on my human's stomach and lick her face while she is doing her sit-ups. I know she just wants a figure as buff as
mine!
49. I will not smear dog snot on my human's black pants when she's late for work.
50. I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs my human has just planted.
51. I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are eating.
52. I will not steal my human's girlfriend's shoes and let her chase me just to get a reaction from her. I will also not try to bite her
toes. Dogs shouldn't have foot fetishes.
53. I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
54. I will not steal the neighbor's underwear off of their laundry line.
55. I will not sulk by trying to sleep under my human's feet while she is making breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just
because she slept in, is in a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
56. I will not take the towels off the clothesline, unless I am told.
57. I will not try to help my human and her sister try to open the door that my brother locked. (Two people and a 110 pound German
Shepard in the hallway is a little tight.)
58. I will not wait for my human to start down the cellar stairs with the dirty laundry and then rush down to keep from being left
upstairs. She says those words all the way down when I cause her to fall.
59. I will not wait until my human gets really involved in the computer and bark my loudest, meanest bark to get her attention.
60. I will not walk through the open newspaper to gain my human's undivided attention as she is reading it!
61. I will not whine and give my human my best pout face when she goes out to paint the fence. Its too hot outside, and I can't help
her anyway.
62. I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
63. I will stay out of the garden. My human does not need help weeding or planting out new plants. (It's OK to help with pruning,
though. I can grab the branches and take them all over the yard!)
64. I will wait until the meter reader is done before chasing him off my property.
65. If the human in the wheel chair falls out, I should go and get help and not view it as an opportunity to clean her ears.
66. If the people move all their furniture to keep us in one room, we will respect the barrier rather than try every possible way of
getting through it.
67. It is not okay to be cute and lick my human's face when it is 5:00 in the morning and she just went to bed two hours ago.
68. Just because my human is talking on the phone does not mean that I need to.
69. Just because my humans are playing soccer doesn't mean I need to run out onto the field and join them.
70. My human doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when she is talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the
ironing/working on the computer.
71. My human doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
72. My humans' checkbook is not a chew toy. They get really mad when they have to chase us around the back yard (1/3 acre) to get
it back.
73. My human's essay due tomorrow is more important than my impulsive need for attention.
74. We will not pin my human to the bed when she needs to go potty.
75. When my human is digging in the dirt to plant spring plants it IS NOT an invitation to dig up any spot you feel I need to dig in!
76. When my human is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to start a game of tug-of-war.
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77. When my human is working at home, I will not lay down all over the expense reports. I also will not eat the Department of
Transportation's budget.
78. When my human picks up the sticks and carries them out of the yard, she is not playing a very slow game of fetch with me. I am
not supposed to bring each and every stick back where it came from before the Big Human arrives with the mower.
79. When our big bodies are lying where our humans want to walk, we will move immediately when they say MOVE. We will not
lie there, moaning, grumbling, and groaning until they have to shout at us.
80. When pulling my human on the leash, I will occasionally allow my front feet to touch the ground.
81. When swimming in the lake, I will refrain from trying to retrieve kayakers.
82. When the human in the wheel chair requests that I move my body, I will move and not try to confine her to one fixed location.
--- Human-Related ---
1. A dog does not need to investigate how my humans are joined together (especially with a cold, wet nose).
2. AKC obedience trial judges will NOT give extra points for knocking my human down on the recall exercise. When she calls me,
I will remember to stop running BEFORE I reach her. (She did this once in puppy kindergarten and we all laughed. She's been
trying to get a laugh with that trick ever since!)
3. Big rotties should know that some people are scared of dogs, especially huge ones. Knocking them to the floor and smothering
them because I'm so glad to have a new friend isn't going to cure them.
4. Despite popular canine thought, the UPS man is not the anti-Christ.
5. Don't growl at your human when she has a metal pipe -- she can throw it farther than one would think.
6. Even though I love people and am always excited to see them, it is not necessary to wiggle all over them, bounce up and down
against them, lick every accessible body part, and cry. I also do not need to lick the sleeves of their jackets, or pant legs of their
jeans.
7. Even though the poor nurse seemed agitated, I now know that chasing her down the hall to keep her away from my friends was
not a smart idea. She was not going to hurt them, and now I am not allowed to go to that nursing home anymore.
8. I am a big dog and the guest who is walking me doesn't have much experience with dogs, never mind big dogs, so when I see the
swimming hole I will not drag the guest down the hill.
9. I am a big heavy bloodhound, and so I will not put all 110 pounds of me onto my humans' feet.
10. I am a Border Collie; I must realize that my human cannot always keep up when I race her on the agility field.
11. I am a tiny, but powerful, Boston terrier. I will not demonstrate my high jumping ability by taking a flying leap onto my teenage
human's back, just to make her jump in surprise and fall on her fanny. I DEFINITELY will not do this outside, in full view of any
passing neighbors. (Pudgy had a streak of creative mischief that would come out at odd moments. He really surprised me with
this one!)
12. I am NOT a lapdog. I am NOT a lapdog. I am NOT a lapdog! (My dog is a 130 lb Rottweiler. His "grandpa" loves to hold him
like a baby when he visits. I spend the next week trying to keep Max off my lap.)
13. I am not a woman. I am a dog. I will not sidle up to, and make big, liquid eyes at, every human male who comes to the house to
visit. (Delilah lived up to her name! She also earned the nickname "Shameless Hussy.")
14. I can cuddle with my human without focusing all of my 60 odd pounds on my elbows as I launch myself onto her stomach,
spleen, crotch, thigh, ribcage, breast, or whatever body part onto which I feel the urge to throw myself.
15. I do not have to bark incessantly while my human is on the front porch with her boyfriend. Neither do I have to crawl up on the
boyfriend's lap to get my ears scratched. It is okay to sit between them on the couch.
16. I do not have to eat the humans to tell them that I like them; a couple of kisses and my wagging rear end is quite enough.
17. I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
18. I do not need to bowl my human over in Doggy School, there by covering her in mud and fracturing her wrist. (Yes -- it
happened.)
19. I do not need to knock down everybody that steps into my back yard.
20. I don't have to sit in between my humans when we are all on the couch together. Even if they sit next to each other, I will still get
petted.
21. I don't need to greet the pizza man personally every time he makes a delivery.
22. I don't need to protect my human from showers, microwaves, feather dusters and the pool.
23. I will learn to distinguish between the postal worker and the door-to-door salespeople and act accordingly.
24. I will learn to walk up to strangers calmly, not charge them full speed to jump on them and lick their faces. People tend to be
frightened when I do this. (Could it be because I'm a 100-pound Rottie?)
25. I will not accelerate quickly off my human's lap, causing him excruciating pain.
26. I will not attack my human even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a phony beard.
27. I will not attack my human every time he sits on the floor while talking with someone on the telephone.
28. I will not attack my human's boyfriend when he is tickling her -- he isn't really trying to hurt her.
29. I will not attack my human's boyfriend, even if he is trying to eat her face.
30. I will not attack the toll attendants for taking my human's money.
31. I will not attempt to pull the tempting, dangling string hanging from between my human's legs when she walks through the
bathroom naked!
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32. I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
33. I will not be nice to my human's friend all day long and then try to tear her throat out when she gets up to go to the bathroom.
34. I will not be surprised when the mailman runs away from me when he encounters me outside. I did bark and growl at him from
the house every time he delivered the mail.
35. I will not bite my human in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
36. I will not bite my human on the tush to make her throw my dummy faster.
37. I will not bite my human's ass when she is trying to rescue my toe from the grips of the evil screen door.
38. I will not bite people at the door in the groin until my humans tell me to.
39. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for my human's driver's license and car registration.
40. I will not bump my human in the tush when she's walking down a steep path lined with sheer drop offs, cacti, and sharp metal
things. If she falls, she'll take me with her.
41. I will not buzz my human while she is untangling my chain on a slight hill. (She knocked one of my feet over so that I fell on my
foot, with my foot in my back. I strained my foot and my hip; luckily, I didn't hurt my back. Couldn't walk right for three weeks.)
42. I will not drag my human down the steps, across the golf course, and through the lake, even though I am stronger than she is.
43. I will not drag the guest who is walking me when ever I see another dog that I want to go meet.
44. I will not drool all over the footstool when my human makes me go downstairs for begging at the dinner table.
45. I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on my human's feet, as it is heavy and hard. I will especially not drop it on her feet when she's
standing beside the bed and I'm standing on the bed.
46. I will not eat my future-human's hair when he sits on the couch next to my human.
47. I will not follow strangers down the street, sniffing at them. I am a big dog, and I might scare them.
48. I will not give my human's shirt the third degree every time he comes home. Yes he works part time at the Humane Society; yes
he handles a lot of dogs, cats, rabbits and guinea pigs; no he isn't going to take me back there and no he isn't going to bring
another animal into the house. The other human has threatened to hurt him a LOT if he does!
49. I will not give my mom the saddest look ever when I'm at the pound because my former owners got sick of me. She feels terrible,
and comes back the next day and adopts me. I will then be thankful about that, and not act depressed when mom has to leave me
at her parents till she finishes moving. Her apartment is too small to start with and I'm a huge Mastiff.
50. I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because my human's driving.
51. I will not greet my human neighbour so enthusiastically that I knock her down. Or if I do, I will wait for her to regain
consciousness before trampling on her.
52. I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions (retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
53. I will not growl at and attack the mail deliverers because they are not the enemy, plus I do not want my human hauled into court.
54. I will not growl at every person that walks down the street.
55. I will not growl at friendly humans.
56. I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
57. I will not growl at the potential ferret adoption parents whom I don't like, it scares them and I know that if I growl at them my
human won't adopt a ferret to them.
58. I will not growl at the strange guy in my human's bed. (Oh, it's my other human.)
59. I will not head-butt my human with my nose.
60. I will not help my human redecorate buy stealing a box of tampons from under the bathroom sink and destroying the box and all
its contents in the living room.
61. I will not help my human unpack buy taking unused tampons out of her bag and chewing them to shreds under the futon.
62. I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch all of them at once.
63. I will not howl when my human is practicing the {piano/violin/glockenspiel}.
64. I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
65. I will not jerk away violently and make my human fall in the cacti when she is trying to pull the tumbleweed off my butt. She
didn't put it there.
66. I will not jump at the back of my human's knees when she is in front of the pool (I have fallen into the pool many times!)
67. I will not jump on my human when she is ready to smack my butt for peeing on her friend.
68. I will not jump on my human when she's wearing shorts or a nightgown. Those scrapes are painful!
69. I will not jump on my human's neighbors if I am in the hall while they are walking into the apartment building.
70. I will not jump on my human's pregnant tummy.
71. I will not jump up between my human and her boyfriend, kiss him all over the face, put my paws on him with my back against
her and push until my human falls off of the couch. He is HER boyfriend, not mine. (For a little Cocker Spaniel, she generates a
lot of force.)
72. I will not jump up on, and consequently scratch the crotches of, any neighbours my human is talking to. Doing this to boys
visiting my human's teenage daughter IS okay, however.
73. I will not kiss my human when she is scolding me.
74. I will not kiss the back of future-human's neck when he sits on the couch next to my human. Only my human is allowed to do
that.
75. I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
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76. I will not launch myself from the doorway, leap half across the room and land on my human's tum as soon as he relaxes after
dinner.
77. I will not lick my human's tennis partners' sweaty legs when they come in for a chat after a match.
78. I will not lick our guests' hair every time they kneel/bend down for something. They do not appreciate this.
79. I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being intimate.
80. I will not lie on top of my human Dad just because he's comfy and in front of 'my' fireplace. I will not add insult to injury by
drinking his tea too.
81. I will not make my human feel so guilty that she ends up in tears when she goes back to university. She is coming back.
82. I will not nip at my human' feet when she and my other human are fooling around in the bed.
83. I will not nip my human in the behind to get her to move faster.
84. I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my human gives a down-stay command.
85. I will not pin the human down by her hair just so I can roll vigorously in it while she struggles to get up. Also, I will refrain from
a slobbery investigation of said hair's smell just before her big date. I will also not refuse to let her pet me every time she uses a
different conditioner.
86. I will not pounce on my female human's gut while she is pregnant, even though it is fun to slide down.
87. I will not pull so hard on my leash that it hurts my human's hand, and shoulder and makes her knee really sore again.
88. I will not pull the socks off of my human's feet after he's indicated that he would rather read the newspaper than play with me.
89. I will not ram my cold wet nose RIGHT UP "Grandpa's" trouser leg when he least expects this. He is getting old and the shock
isn't good for him.
90. I will not run up barking behind the neighbour, three houses down, for pulling weeds out of the sidewalk. (While her husband
watched, waited and laughed.)
91. I will not sit on my front porch and wait for the little old ladies to get in the exact middle of my yard before barking and swearing
at them. Then not move an inch when they panic and run away. (Really big Saint Bernard)
92. I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain attention (read food)!
93. I will not squeeze past my human when she answers the door, run out on to the porch and bark at the fund-raising lady or man,
jump up on them and bark some more. I will listen to my human the first time when she orders me inside not the third or fourth
time.
94. I will not stalk other hikers.
95. I will not stare at my human as if she's an axe murderer when she comes to visit.
96. I will not steal my human's pillow (after she has shoved me off several times) by dunking my face in my water dish and then
poking my cold wet nose in her stomach.
97. I will not steal my human's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
98. I will not stop suddenly, without warning while my human and I are out on our nightly run, causing her to trip over me and step
on my back leg, thus causing me to twist around and rear back practically knocking out her front tooth. My human should not
have to wear a helmet and padding to exercise me. (I kid you not, this happened to my this past Friday night. I had to call the
dentist at home and have him meet me at his office at 7:00 p.m. to have him put my tooth back in place and wire it in. The dog
got away with a few scrapes on his back leg, but I get to wear these lovely temporary braces for 5 weeks. My dog is a 65 lb.
Australian Shepherd, no small pooch.
99. I will not talk back to my female human, even if I am a "Daddy's Girl".
100. I will not terrorize the pizza delivery man. Salesmen are okay, though.
101. I will not try to bite the mailman several times, getting my humans' mail stopped, causing my human to go to court and pay a
stiff fine, lose his truck that was illegally parked in front of the courthouse, pay even more fines for not having insurance, current
registration and parking illegally and getting kicked out of the house by my human. (This really happened to a very stupid
neighbor).
102. I will not try to get into the laps of pregnant women. I'm a big lab and I don't FIT when that baby is in there (or even when there
is no baby...)
103. I will not try to lick my (both male and female) privates at inopportune times.
104. I will not try to pull my human off a breakwall and make her and myself fall into Lake Superior in March. Rottweilers and
humans do not make good impressions of icicles.
105. I will not use my human's chest as a springboard when I hear a noise outside. (Just to make this clear, she is propped in bed
reading.)
106. I will quit attacking my human, who is just minding her own business, when my other human is the one teasing me.
107. I will recognize my beloved human, even if she is wearing her drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
108. I will stop using the human's body as a ramp to get to his/her head.
109. I won't jump up on my human's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
110. If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of trouble.
111. If I sit at the foot of the bed and howl, my other human will not turn the car around and come back, and (the still sleeping) my
human will just yell at me and call me an S.O.B. (which I am, technically...)
112. If my human has a sore toe, I will not stomp on it to show her how much I love her.
113. If my human in bed, and someone comes in the room, I do not need to lie on top of her and and growl, suffocating her (65-lb lab
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cross).
114. If my human in the recliner, I do not need to lie on top of her with my head on her shoulder. (This is a 65-lb lab cross.)
115. If my human is lying on the floor because she had a sore back licking her face will not help.
116. It is OK for me to bark at the 17 year old boy (wearing eyeliner and chains) who shows up to go out with my human's only
daughter.
117. It is okay for my human to hug; her husband, her daughter, her brother... I do not need to separate and scold them for the physical
contact. (It's funny, any time *anyone* in our house hugs anyone else, he gets really agitated.)
118. It is okay to steal napkins off of laps if my humans don't notice.
119. It's best not to bite the hand of the policeman when he reaches in to get my human's license.
120. It's okay for my humans to be in different rooms.
121. Jumping from the couch at my human's chest, was a bad idea. I nearly knocked her backwards down the steps, and caused her
back to be severely displaced. She has been in pain for weeks. She keeps saying bad words when I act like I'll jump on her, like
"crow bait" and "Kennel" and "dog trainer".
122. Jumping the fence and landing in the arms of my new neighbor is not a good way to introduce myself.
123. Just because my human has worked up a sweat (probably from cleaning up after me in the back yard) it does not mean I must
clean every inch of his face, including the inside of both ears - and take just a wee nip of the ear lobe while I'm at it.
124. Just because my human is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
125. Licking the Judge in the face is not a good way to earn points or win a Dog Show.
126.My human can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset. Dogs are for the floor, people should be on furniture.)
127.My human does not appreciate it when I prop my butt on their chest while I am on their lap.
128.My humans appreciate it when I cuddle up to them when the heating is broken in winter.
129.My human's brother-in-law is not the Antichrist.
130.My human's hand is not a toy. I like chewing on it because she can't throw it away, but it is not a toy.
131.My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
132.My humans understand that I am part wolf. So do all their friends. When the Alpha Male's mate becomes pregnant, I really do
NOT have to appoint myself as her guardian. None of my daddy's friends will hurt mommy or attempt to replace daddy's baby
with another one. Really. So I don't have to supervise company and go nuts when they move a muscle.
133. Neither the little human nor her mother is strong enough to hold onto me when I pull full strength on the leash. This causes them
to beg the neighbor to do it.
134. Not every human I see is a long lost friend. I will stop trying to invite them to live with me.
135. Nurses are not out to get me. (As a community nurse my Mum has to go places where dangerous dogs are not secured. Please tie
up your dogs if you know someone is coming. Mum is lucky to be alive from some of her visits.)
136. The carolers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
137. The human's friends have the right to live. They aren't hurting anyone.
138. The mailman is NOT a chew toy.
139. The newspaper boy is allowed to walk down the street. (Ruby the chow seems to be psychic, she knows exactly who the paper
boy is even if he is not carrying papers.)
140. The UPS man is bringing us a package, not trying to steal the baby.
141. There are certain places on my human that are not okay to nibble when we are rough-housing. This endangers my life.
142.We will not run down the hall and ignore the presence of any human feet.
143.When I am being blessed on the Feast of St. Francis, I will not snap at the priest as he is anointing me.
144.When I am on the bed with my human, his head, stomach, and crotch are not lookout points from which to survey the room.
145.When I'm on a walk, I will not try to sniff every person who passes by. Even though I am friendly, they may not know that.
146.When my friend comes over to wrestle with me, if we find Granddad sleeping in a lawn chair then it can be safely assumed that
he does NOT want to be included in the game.
147.When my human and his girlfriend are kissing or roughhousing, my human will let me know if he needs to be defended. (My
boyfriend and I were joking and teasing each other, and I threw a pillow at him. Next thing I knew, Ace was in my face growling
at me and ready to bite. He's otherwise a sweet dog, but very protective.)
148.When my human goes through the drive-through window, I won't try to help by taking the bag from the clerks' hand. (Large
German Shepard.)
149.When my human rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on him by kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tonguekiss,
too. He makes a loud noise when he finds out it's me.
150.When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try to force myself between them.
151.When my humans are making whoopee, I am welcome to watch, but not to participate. If evicted, I will not howl, whine, claw
the bedroom door, or try to break it down. Regardless of any sounds I might hear, I will try to remember that my humans are
NOT being hurt and I do NOT need to rescue them.
152.When my human's family comes around I will refrain from sitting on the tiny granny who doesn't like dogs and instead pay
attention to Big Uncle Mike who loves dogs and is big enough to play wrestling with safely. (We had a large boxer).
153.When my human's stomach growls in the middle of the night, it is not necessarily directly at me, and I do not need to respond by
attacking his midsection.
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154.When the child minder comes, I will not do my cute act and gradually clamber on her. (This happened regularly with two big
boxers - I was that child minder and for hours on end I would be trapped.)
155.When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.
156.Whenever my humans say "Good Dog" I will not leap into their arms, since I weigh 50 lbs. and that renders me a Not-Good Dog.