Aaron felt nervous, which he knew was ridiculous. Truth was though he'd never felt particularly comfortable around lots of people and that was when he was just in the background and no one really cared if he was there or not. But knowing that everyone was out there waiting for him made it a thousand times worse, he hated being the centre of attention. Cain could tell him that they all cared about him as much as he liked but he knew that they were all going to be judging him.
Walking back into the main room was just as bad as he'd expected. It was only Cain's warm hand on his back that stopped him from bolting, although how much his legs were shaking might have made that impossible. He could feel everyone's eyes on him. He felt like a science exhibit and he could tell what some of them were thinking from the expression on their faces. They were trying to see if they could tell just by looking at him. Whether there was some physical sign that they had missed before, something that revealed how damaged he was, scars not just mental but physical.
He wondered if they were replaying any encounters they had ever had with him, reassessing his behaviour in light of what they now knew. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe they wouldn't be so quick to judge him but right now he couldn't see it. He just felt raw and exposed.
"It'll be all right" Cain whispered kindly in his ear, and wasn't that all kinds of wrong? Cain being nice to him and offering comfort, it really felt like they'd gone down the rabbit hole.
His mum started to stand up when she saw him. She had a look on her face that in the past he would have given anything to see but that now just added to the weight on his shoulders. He didn't want her to worry about him.
"Sit down" Carl said getting up from the same table that his mum and Paddy were sitting at. If today got any weirder he thought he might just end up losing his mind. Even though Carl was being nice he couldn't help giving him a dirty look. He still didn't trust him, it was probably just some way to get back in with Chas, he know he was capable of worse.
He did sit down in the offered seat though. His stubbornness could only carry him so far and he knew that if he didn't sit down soon he might just fall down.
"You okay?" Paddy asked from across the table and he just shrugged in response. Because he wasn't okay, he couldn't be further from okay really. Today had been, well, awful. His worst nightmare come to life.
His life with his dad had been his life with his dad and his life now was his life now. He'd always tried to keep the two things separate. It was his past, it didn't need to be part of his future. Although deep down he knew it wasn't that simple. Because what had happened was never really in the past, it was always a part of him, a shadow that clung to him even on the brightest of days, But still he'd hoped.
But now his dad coming here today had destroyed any chance of that. The boy he used to be and the man he wanted to become were one and the same and there was no denying that. He couldn't hide behind his tough act anymore, they'd all seen what his father could do to him, even now he knew he was still trembling, he couldn't seem to stop. They could see how weak and broken down he was. So where did that leave him? Adrift and lost, that's how he felt. His walls had fallen and the nicer people were to him the harder it was to build them back up, he didn't like feeling this exposed.
While he sat there lost in his own thoughts Paddy had been getting some supplies out of his bag to tend to his hand. The first he knew of it was when Paddy gently took his injured hand in his. He couldn't help flinching at the contact, his skin felt super sensitive, it took all he had not to pull away.
"Okay?" Cain spoke from behind him and he was startled to realise his uncle had never left his side.
"Yeah" Aaron said hoarsely and forced himself to relax his hand in Paddy's grip.
Aaron watched with morbid fascination as Paddy gently unwound the now almost useless bandage. He heard Leyla hiss in sympathy once the wound was exposed. It definitely looked worse than when he'd last seen it.
"Jesus Aaron" Chas exclaimed as Paddy wiped away all the blood that had coated his hand and arm.
"This is going to need stitches" Paddy said examining the wound carefully, he could tell he was trying not to hurt him. It was weird how last night he had purposefully ground his own thumb into the wound and the pain had brought him some relief from the chaos in his mind. Yet now the pain was making him feel sick. He knew what the difference was though. Control. He'd been in control last night and now he wasn't. It wasn't a good feeling.
"Can you do it?" he asked Paddy.
"I really shouldn't".
"Please" Aaron didn't like begging but he's do anything to avoid going to the hospital.
"Why don't you want to go to the hospital?" Diane asked from behind the bar.
"I don't know" Aaron answered but that wasn't really true. He just didn't want to explain that he craved the familiar. He couldn't cope with the thought of being somewhere he didn't feel safe. He also wasn't sure he would be able to bear someone else touching him, certainly not a stranger. It was making his skin crawl just letting Paddy touch him and he trusted him more than most.
"Okay" Paddy sighed, giving in like he always did. The familiarity of it almost made him smile. "Not here though" Paddy continued. "You're just asking for an infection if I do it here. We need to get back to my surgery...at least that's sterile".
Aaron looked down, embarrassed. How could he tell them he didn't think he could make it a couple of hundred feet to the vets. He already looked weak in front of all of them, that would just seal the deal. Maybe it would be okay, just because he felt like he might pass out at any minute didn't mean he would. He would just have to take his chances because there was no way he was going to admit to being that pathetic.
"I'll get my car" Cain spoke up from behind him, saving him yet again.
"Why would we need your..." Chas trailed off and judging by the look on her face Cain must have given her one of his looks. "Yeah good idea" she said giving him an understanding smile.
Cain gave his shoulder a quick squeeze and left. His absence made Aaron feel a little more alone.
"Can I see the messages?" his mum asked, her voice timid and unsure. His first instinct was to say no. But looking at her and seeing how worried she was he found himself digging in his pocket and handing his phone over to her.
He watched out of the corner of his eye as she read through them, her jaw clenched tightly, a hard look to her eyes. He was expecting that reaction what he wasn't expecting though was to hear his father's voice ringing out in the quiet of the pub. She must have noticed the voicemail and in typical Chas fashion she hadn't stopped to consider whether playing it out for everyone to hear was a good idea.
He wanted to grab the phone off her and smash it into the ground, but instead he froze. He had to just sit there as everyone listened to a little part of his soul being destroyed.
"Why don't you just answer my texts? Stop ignoring me" his father's angry tone still got to him. He risked a quick look round. They were all listening intently, it reminded him of people driving past a car crash, no one wanted to look but no one could look away either.
"Aaron why are you doing this?" his dad pleaded. The sadness in his voice sounded more pathetic to him now.
"I thought you loved me" his dad carried on. "I love you so much, I'm the only one who ever did" he heard a soft sob from his mum and looked at her guiltily.
"You've ruined everything. Why couldn't you just keep you're trap shut?" the harsh words cut through him yet again, would he always be scared of that man, would he ever escape from his shadow?
"I knew you'd turn out bad, I tried so hard to help you, I shouldn't have bothered" Gordon snarled. "You're not worth it". Aaron hissed as Paddy squeezed his hand tightly.
"Oh god I'm sorry" Paddy let go of his hand in horror at what he'd just done out of anger at what he was hearing.
"It doesn't matter anyway, no one believes you. This will all have been for nothing because nobody cares" Aaron didn't dare look up, he didn't want to see what everyone thought of him now they'd heard what his dad had to say. He knew at least a couple of them couldn't stand him, maybe they agreed with Gordon, this would just confirm what they'd always thought.
"I'm sorry, I just, I really need to talk to you, I miss you son..." that shouldn't still get to him, the sound of his dad crying shouldn't make his heart ache and yet it still did. What was wrong with him that he still felt bad about upsetting him.
"I just...I need..." the call ended abruptly and no one said a word, everyone just looked shell shocked, even Carl looked a little green. Aaron couldn't tell what anyone was thinking, he was glad of that. He kept his eyes firmly on the table in front of him. He knew he must look like a beaten puppy with his head hanging down and his shoulders slumped but he didn't have the energy to do anything else.
"Why don't you answer my texts" his dad's voice once again sounded throughout the pub.
"No" his mum shouted. Aaron looked up to see her fumbling with the phone, trying desperately to turn it off. She had tears in her eyes and she grew increasingly frantic as Gordon once again spewed bile for everyone to hear. "Why won't this fucking thing turn off" she sounded hysterical.
"Give it here" Marlon reached out to take the phone off her and seconds later the message stopped. It was too late though, it had been too much for his mum, she dissolved into tears.
"I'm sorry" Aaron told her reaching a hand out towards her.
"No" Chas shouted making him flinch back. " Stop fucking apologizing, stop thinking you've done something wrong" she was really yelling at him now and he pulled away in confusion, his eyes filling with tears at this unexpected attack.
"Chas" Diane admonished gently.
"No Diane, I can't sit here and listen to it anymore" she turned back to Aaron and put both her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look her dead in the eye. "I need you to know that none of this was your fault".
"I know" Aaron nodded but from the way her eyes narrowed he knew she knew he was just telling her what she wanted to hear.
"No, enough Aaron" she snapped at him and her fingers were digging into his face now, he was actually a little scared. The tears that he'd been holding back spilled over and ran down his cheeks.
"Chas" it was Paddy's turn now, he wasn't as gentle as Diane had been though.
"I'm sorry" Chas let go of his face but he didn't know whether she was apologizing to Paddy or him. "It's just listening to that man twist things...and I know you believe him, he's hurt you so much, you're so damaged because of him and I'm scared" her voice cracked on the last word, tears of her own spilling down her cheeks, to match Aaron's. "I'm scared that I won't be able to help you". She broke down sobbing again and pulled Aaron into her embrace. He sat there awkwardly, letting her cry but not sure what he could do to comfort her.
"I'm trying" he spoke quietly but he knew his mum heard him from the way she stilled.
"What?".
"To let people help me" Aaron tried to explain. "I'm trying...it's just...I never had that before".
Chas sat back and wiped the tears from his face with her thumbs. "I know, but you do now okay?" she tilted her head on one side as she spoke.
"Yeah" he said softly, and he wasn't just saying it this time, he really did know, he just hoped that it would last. His mum pulled his head down onto her shoulder again and he let her. He was aware that they still had an audience but he didn't really care, this was his mum and they both needed this.
"Uh guys" Marlon said, both Aaron and Chas let go of each other at the same time and Chas turned to glare at Marlon for ruining the moment. Marlon didn't notice it though because he was to busy staring at the phone he had taken off Chas a few minutes earlier. Aaron's phone.
"What Marlon?" Chas snapped.
"I think I might have an idea of how we can help Aaron's case" Marlon said and he held the phone up so they could see what he was looking at. It was open to Aaron's contact list, the name he'd selected plain to see.
Sandra.