AN: Drive by posting… I've been on vacation, and just got a chance to make the final tweaks to this chapter. I hope you all enjoy.
Fake Empire
Chapter Twenty-Three.
Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here waiting in line for you?
Are you mine?
Not just when you wanna be, but all of the time?
Blair hated the clinic. No, hate wasn't a strong enough word. She despised it. The constant crazy watch, the annoyingly chirpy and/or gruff nurses that so easily fell into mocking stereotypes, the bed linen… It all sucked. It beyond sucked, actually. It was awful and revolting, and she'd twice already tried to break the rules to call home, but she'd been caught. She knew she'd feel better if she could just call Serena. They needed to talk. They needed to discuss the majorly life-changing moment that Blair could still not be sure actually happened. Did Chuck say he loved her? Or more importantly, did he mean it?
Blair wasn't sure.
She could hardly blame him for trying to throw a line to a pitiful head case, which was exactly what she'd let herself become. She wasn't sure what bothered her more. The fact that she'd let herself sink back into her issues, or that people wouldn't just let her handle them on her own. Her doctors insisted that wasn't the right way to go about it. 'No person is an island, Blair,' they insisted. She wasn't so sure they were right. She'd done just fine taking care of herself until certain people decided it was their job to take over.
She didn't really resent her mother, or Serena or even Chuck. She just hated that they'd all ganged up on her and forced her to actually handle her problems. She and her problems had been doing just fine on their own… Even she couldn't convince herself of that.
Her purging hadn't come on again all at once. For a while, it had just been once or twice a month. Just when she really felt the need to expel everything out of her body and start over. She ignored the fact that those moments mostly came during times of emotional stress. Eventually, a few times monthly became a few times weekly, and then it became daily. It was just so easy to escape everything else that way. She controlled it. It was her body, her decision. Her mother, her father, Chuck, Serena – none of them could force her to stop. They still couldn't. Only she could do that, and though it pained her to admit it, she knew she'd gotten out of control again. It was like being an addict, though. Just once was never enough.
A knock sounded at her door, and she looked up from the letter she was attempting to write to find her mother and father peeking in. The doctors had agreed to allow her parents to visit her daily as part of her therapy. Apparently, Blair had severe family issues. Like she needed some Harvard-educated doctor to tell her that. Her dad was gay. He'd left them. She had issues.
"Hey, Blair-bear." Harold smiled at her widely and slowly walked into the room. He quickly glanced around the room. Once he was satisfied, he looked at her again. Eleanor continued to hang back in the doorway. "We thought we could take a walk… Your doctors said it would be fine."
Blair sighed. Take a walk really meant have an awful, depressing conversation. She wanted to refuse, but she knew the sooner she dealt with this, the sooner they'd release her from the clinic. She wanted to go home. No price was too high to pay for that.
"Sure," she agreed, grabbing for her sweater on the way out. Her clothes had been her one comfort in there. She was allowed to dress any way she liked, and she'd forced herself to keep up with her appearance every day. As long as she was wearing her clothes, doing her makeup, styling her hair, she was still Blair Waldorf. She was still alright. She hadn't fallen apart.
They walked out toward the back garden, and Blair stayed a little bit ahead of her parents. She could hear them whispering to each other behind her, but she never strained to hear them. Nothing felt the same now. They were still her parents, but they weren't married, not in any real sense. It felt odd to her, and she had no idea how to approach them. She just kept waiting for her mother to explode or her father to run away. Both options were equally likely.
"Darling…" Eleanor finally called out to her. Blair turned around slowly, realizing they'd stopped a few paces back and were pretending to admire the fountain. Everything about them seemed so fake now. "We'd like to talk to you… about everything." Her mother quickly averted her eyes so she was staring at the water splashing around in front of her.
"We want to explain." Her father took a step toward her with a hopeful expression on his face. She'd only been in this place for two days, but it felt like an eternity. It felt like even longer since she'd really let herself look at her father. Everything about him was the same, but none of it was real to her now. He'd been lying to her for so long that she wondered what parts of him he'd made up just to gain her love and what parts were actually true.
Blair walked over to them, but kept herself at a distance. She knew this would be an unpleasant conversation, and she was keeping her options opened. The first time her father brought up his husband-stealing boyfriend, she was out. She hoped she never had to hear that man's name again. He'd helped to ruin her family.
"We're getting a divorce." Her mother dropped the first bomb. The look on Eleanor's face was one of relief, but there was pain there too, and it angered Blair. Her father had done all of this to them.
Blair just nodded.
"It's been a long time coming, sweetheart." Her father took another step closer to her. She didn't back up, but she stiffened where she stood. If he tried to touch her, she wasn't sure what she would do. "I know we should have been honest with you, but I'm not sure there is ever a good way to explain something like this." Eleanor scoffed behind him, but he ignored her. "I'm gay, Blair."
He said this like it was such a revelation that Blair actually laughed aloud.
Obviously, he was gay.
"Blair…" Eleanor chimed in concerned. She was barely masking her hostility toward Harold at that point, but Blair knew her concern was real. Her mother, for all her faults, did love Blair. It just wasn't the way Blair needed Eleanor to love her. She needed a mother who didn't judge every move she made. She needed a mother who never made her feel like she wasn't good enough. Eleanor couldn't figure out how to do that, and Blair knew she didn't care to try.
"I'm sorry." Blair pulled herself together, but the mirth was still in her voice. "It's just… Of course you're gay, Daddy. I saw you, remember? That's what started this whole thing. I caught you, and now you're getting a divorce. Fantastic," Blair said this all with a flippant attitude.
"You're not at fault, Blair," Harold tried again. He looked so kind and warm. He looked like home, but he didn't feel like it anymore. "Your mother and I take full responsibility for what happened in our relationship. If you hadn't found me with-"
Blair's voice was pure ice when she spoke. "Don't bring him up. I don't ever want to hear about him." She left no room for argument.
"She's definitely my daughter," Eleanor smirked, but a chiding look from Harold quickly shut her up. Blair would never understand their dynamic, and she was done trying to figure it out. All she knew was she'd never be them.
"Alright, I understand." Her father sounded so cajoling that she wanted to spit in his face. She wasn't five anymore. He couldn't just make this go away. "I just want you to know that what you saw, what happened after… It was inevitable. I would have…" Harold searched for a way not to sound like an ass, and both Blair and her mother just waited. "I've wanted out of the marriage for a while. I just wasn't brave enough to say it."
"So kind of you to finally step up, dear." Eleanor couldn't hide her bitterness.
"I don't really want to hear this." Blair stopped the torture before it could go any further. "You want a new life? Fine. Have at it. Don't let our family hold you back." Blair emphasized the word family, hoping to twist the knife. She was vindicated when her father flinched.
"I'll never walk away from this family," Harold spoke with so much passion she almost believed him.
"You already did," she whispered back just as surely. He was divorcing them for a life with his Roman. She gagged just thinking about him. "Clearly, you've made a new family for yourself… In Paris." She glared her father down. This wasn't a fight she was losing.
"You're wrong." Harold just would not give up. "I love both you and your mother, and nothing will ever change that. It's just that…" Harold looked between Eleanor and Blair, and then looked down. "I couldn't live a lie anymore," he said it softly but they both heard him. "I couldn't do it." He looked back up, a pleading expression on his face.
Eleanor softened first. "Your father is right, Blair. Our family will always be our family. It's just changing." Blair was unmoved, and looked away from them both. "I've known about your father's… feelings for a long time. I'd accepted it… or tried." Eleanor sighed and finally stopped speaking. She was obviously as uncomfortable as Blair.
"But it wasn't fair to your mother or to me – or even to you!" Harold exclaimed, brightening with emotion. He finally removed the final gap between himself and Blair and reached for her. She immediately flung him off her.
"Don't touch me," she warned. "Just…" She shook her head, fighting back all the emotions that wouldn't stop assaulting her. "Don't," she whispered as she wrapped her arms more tightly around herself, warding him off as best as she could. She couldn't let him in. It would hurt too much.
Harold sunk back, defeated. She met his eyes for a brief moment and recognized the sadness reflected in them. It was how she looked every single morning. Nothing felt right anymore. Nothing filled her up. She was just empty and floating, and so damn scared that things would never get better again.
"Tell me how to fix this. I'll do it. I'll do anything for you, Blair-bear," he promised her, and she didn't miss the way his voice quivered. When she looked at him again, she saw him brushing away tears felt her own eyes begin to string. You should never have to see your own father cry. It did awful things to you. Blair felt his pain in a way she couldn't even feel her mother's.
"You can't fix it." Blair stepped towards him, but froze before she could reach him. She wasn't ready to go there. "I need time," she told him honestly. She looked between both of her parents, and realized for maybe the first time in her life she had their full attention. "I can't tell you that this is okay. You both lied to me. You made me think… You made me believe that everything was fine, and everything is not fine. It never has been." She turned to her father. "You're gay! You're gay, and you never even told me. I never even had a clue. You faked it that well. I'm your daughter." She sucked in a deep steadying breath, and brushed at the wetness on her cheeks. "You should have told me. You shouldn't have let me find out like that. I deserved your trust."
Harold could only nod.
Blair turned to her mother next. That relationship was even more complicated, and Blair wasn't sure it would ever be whole. Eventually, she would find a way to repress the anger she felt toward her father. She'd bury it, and one day it might even go away, but what was broken between her and her mother was something she knew would never fade. They were too different… too alike.
"I…" She tried to find the words to say what needed to be said. They never came, though. Even at their lowest, her relationship with her father was stronger than her relationship with her mother could ever be. Neither one of them knew how to bridge the huge gap that had always been between them. They were like distant relations masquerading as mother and daughter. It hurt, but Blair had learned to live with it. "I need you to bring a letter to Serena for me. The doctors won't let me call her… I need you to do this," Blair repeated before her mother could refuse.
Eleanor surprised her by simply nodded. "Of course. I'll get it to her this afternoon."
The three of them began heading back to Blair's room. None of them said a word, but this time they walked in step with one another. The perfect illusion of the family they never were, Blair thought bitterly.
Once they made it to the door, Blair turned back to face them. The mood was somber, but she felt somehow better after finally saying her piece. "Group therapy is next week… You should both come." She glanced at her father briefly, before refocusing on her mother. He'd almost smiled, but she couldn't handle his gratitude. "I'll get the letter."
She disappeared in her room, grabbed the letter and taped it up tight before heading back to Eleanor. Serena would know if Eleanor opened it, and Blair would raise hell if her mother dared. She'd written private things in that letter, and her mother never needed to know them. Firstly her feelings for Chuck, and secondly her desperation for an escape plan. Serena would never break her out, but it comforted Blair to know she could at least bitch openly to one person.
"Here." Blair handed it to her mother, and Eleanor slid it into her purse. The three of them stood there awkwardly then. "I guess I'll see you next week…" She hoped they understood she didn't want to see them before that. She needed recovery time… time to think.
"I'll be here," Harold assured her. He moved in quickly to hug her and was already pulling away before Blair could protest. "I love you." He sent her a crooked half-smile that reminded her of snowball fights and Thanksgiving pie. She nodded, allowing a small smile to ghost across her own mouth. Her father excused himself then, and it was just she and her mother left.
"Have a happy New Year," Blair tried to sound as upbeat as possible. If Eleanor thought she was recovered she'd be out of here quicker. "Going to any good parties?" Small talk was what they did best. It bridged the gap between the things they didn't want to say and the things they couldn't even if they did.
Eleanor smiled ruefully at her. "I think I'll sit this one out… Try to work on myself a little." Blair tried to hide her surprise, but Eleanor caught her. "Things will be different, Blair. We'll get through it."
Blair nodded. "We always do."
For a moment neither moved. Hugging was not a common trend between them. Blair could remember very few times when Eleanor had given in to such a maudlin expression of affection. Recently, she'd tried a few times, and Blair had let her, but the walls were coming back up now. Eleanor was building back her fortress, and Blair could never hope to get past it.
"Alright. I'll get this to Serena." Eleanor reached out and touched Blair's cheek. It was a brief moment, and she was already turning to leave before Blair could even take it in.
"Bye," Blair whispered under her breath before closing her door back. She had a meeting with her nutritionist in thirty minutes. They had to work on her healthy eating habits. She rolled her eyes. Blair was perfectly aware of what was healthy.
Two days later, and it was New Year's Eve. It was raining outside. The icy kind of rain that Blair always hated, and the sky was nearly pitch black. Happy New Year to all, she grumbled to herself. She'd been stuck in this place for far too long, and now she was ringing in the New Year here all by herself. Part of her wished she would have asked her mother to come join her, but that wouldn't have been much better than being alone. Small talk all night. Skirting around the really important stuff. It would have been torture, and not the way to start a new year.
Instead, Blair was lying in her bed writing in the ridiculous journal one of the doctors had insisted she start. He'd wanted her to write about her feelings. Currently all her feelings revolved around being pissed off. She could just imagine the amazing party all of her friends were at right then. They'd be drinking, and laughing and dancing the night away. Serena was probably drinking up a storm and pretending that everything was great. She'd never let the world see that she missed Nate or that she was worried about Blair. Life was a party for Serena van der Woodsen, and if you forgot that, she'd show you again and again. Chuck would be partying, too. He might even have Georgina or some other skank there with him. Blair really loathed thinking about that. She slammed her journal shut and threw it onto her desk. Her doctor was going to think she had rage issues if she kept writing in it that night.
The clock beside her bed glared at her. 10:30. 10:30 on New Year's Eve, and she had no date, no friends, no party – basically no life at all. She'd briefly contemplated trying to bust out of there, but she knew she'd eventually get caught, and they'd only insist on keeping her longer. She wanted a pardon, not a longer sentence.
Blair was just about to retrieve her journal to begin bemoaning about how annoying she found the doctor who made her write in it to begin with, when her door suddenly flew open. She nearly jumped, she was so startled. When she realized it was Serena busting in, she nearly thought they'd given her the wrong drugs and it was merely a delusion.
"God, this place is locked up like Fort Knox," Serena complained, out of breath.
Blair just stared at her. She couldn't even speak. A brief surge of happiness flooded her before she became confused again. How in the hell had Serena broken in? And what was she doing there? Serena was supposed to be partying. It was the party night of the year.
"Earth to Blair." Serena jumped on the bed next to her and kicked off the truly fabulous heels she was wearing. The loud clunk they made when they hit the floor finally convinced Blair this was real. "Don't I get a hug?"
Blair laughed and pulled her best friend into her arms. It was definitely Serena. She smelled like Serena, dressed like Serena, and absolutely acted like Serena. Whatever had brought Serena there, Blair didn't care. Her New Year just got a whole lot better.
"I can't believe you're here." She was still in awe as they pulled away from each other.
Serena just rolled her eyes. "I got your letter. Of course, I'm here. And don't kill me, B, but I kind of…" Blair was bracing herself for another famous Serena surprise when the door burst open again, and the three stooges stumbled in.
Carter, Nate and Chuck.
She just stared.
She'd definitely taken the crazy pills by accident.
"…Invited the boys." Serena gave her a sheepish half smile and shrugged. "I couldn't really convince them not to come." She leaned in and whispered in Blair's ear. "Carter and Nate don't know what you're in here for. Chuck and I didn't tell. I promise."
"Waldorf." Carter nodded at her before collapsing into one of her chairs.
"Hey, Blair." Nate smiled at her widely, and occupied the only other chair in the room.
Chuck hung in the doorway. He looked uncomfortable, and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. She could figure out why, but she really didn't know how to handle it. What did you say to a guy after he tells you he loves you while dropping you off at the crazy clinic? It was all a little too surreal.
"Hi," Blair greeted them all, and tried to sound enthusiastic. In truth, she wasn't sure what she felt. She was glad not to be alone, but she never wanted to have to explain any of this to Carter or Nate. She wasn't sure she trusted either of them, especially Carter.
"This place has ridiculous security. I had to convince the charge nurse that I was crazy just for her to let me in the door." Carter acted very put out by this, and Blair had to smile.
"You sure much acting was needed?" She teased him.
He grinned unrepentantly. "Maybe not."
"How did you guys get in?" She turned to the remaining three. She still couldn't look directly at Chuck, but then he wasn't looking at her either, so she didn't feel bad. "If they catch you, I'm dead."
"I don't get caught," Chuck finally spoke, and he sounded as wonderfully arrogant as ever. She'd missed his voice. "Serena flirted with a guard, and-"
Nate finished for him. "Chuck paid the other one. You're an expensive date." He was smiling his special Nate smile, though, and Blair just wanted to hug him. It felt like forever since she'd last seen him. It comforted her to know he looked the same. Loyal and loving, that was Nate.
"I can't believe you guys are here…" Really she couldn't imagine why they wanted to be. These four people loved to have a good time. The fact that they'd chosen to lock themselves inside this hellish place with her meant more than she could express to them.
"Okay with it?" Chuck finally moved into the room and slid down in front of the bed. He finally looked up at Blair, and she met his gaze. They stayed locked like that for a minute, before she forced herself to look away. They couldn't have the conversation she wanted in front of an audience.
"Definitely," she assured them all. "I was going crazy all by myself. I was just about to plan my own escape route," She admitted.
Serena nodded. "Chuck brought alcohol. Show her," Serena instructed, and Chuck pulled two champagne bottles out from under his jacket. Serena grabbed one, and set to work on uncorking it while Chuck handed the other to Carter to do the honors. "I told the boys you'd be my New Year's kiss," Serena joked, pretending to make eyes at Blair.
Blair giggled for what felt like the first time in forever. She'd missed these people. They were her people. If she'd ever doubted that, she couldn't now. Her anxiety over Nate and Carter knowing she was in there began to dissipate. She didn't know how she knew, but she just did. They wouldn't tell anyone. They would keep her secret.
"So," Carter caught her attention again. He motioned to the room. "What in the hell are you doing in here?" Chuck shot him a forbidding look, but Carter ignored him. "You crazy or something, Waldorf?"
"Or something," Blair allowed and hoped he'd drop it.
He nodded and popped the cork on his bottle. It began to spew, so he brought it up to his mouth, and they all watched in fascination as he guzzled what didn't end up on his clothes. He was such a spectacle that Blair and Serena both began laughing again. There was something infectious about being happy. It just took you over. Blair had almost forgotten this feeling.
Carter finished and turned back to her. "Chuck says we can't pry into your business, but Nate and I have a bet going." Blair rolled her eyes. Only Carter would bet on her mental health. "I say you're a secret drug addict. Nate thinks you're a cutter. Care to settle the debate?"
"Fuck off, Carter." Chuck growled in his direction.
"I did not say she was a cutter," Nate protested quickly, and then turned to Blair. "I didn't make any bet," he assured her, and Blair smiled in return. "I wouldn't." He glared at Carter before stealing the champagne bottle, and drinking some back. Blair didn't miss the longing look in Serena's eyes as she briefly let herself watch him, before she looked away again.
"Not a drug addict. Not a cutter. Not anything that's your business, Carter," Blair told him sassily. It actually felt nice that someone wasn't walking around on eggshells around her. Whatever Carter thought about her now, he didn't think she was some weak doll who needed to be coddled. She liked that.
"Fair enough, but one day you will tell me," He promised her with a cocky smirk.
She shrugged in return. "Maybe," she mumbled before stealing the champagne bottle from Serena. She took a big gulp, and enjoyed the way it fizzed down her throat. She'd missed the finer things in life. "My favorite kind." She perked up even further when she realized.
"Thank Chuck." Serena nodded toward him where he sat on the ground. He looked up and smiled at Blair, but said nothing. "So, we can't let New Year's be boring. We need to play a game." Nate, Blair and Chuck all groaned. Carter just clapped his hands in glee. "Nothing as ridiculous as spin the bottle. I think we've all been there and done that."
"I have no problems doing it again." Carter leered at both Serena and Blair.
"No." Nate jumped in before anything more could be said. His tone was firm, and Serena flinched. It was clear who Nate did not want to be kissing, and Blair wanted to smack him. If he'd just open his eyes he'd see Serena was ready to be with him. Tragic love sucked. Blair was sick of dealing with it.
"Hey, Chuck," she called out to him abruptly, and all eyes including his came to her. "I know where we can steal some food. Come with me?" She stood up and slid some flip-flops on. In truth, she doubted they could break into the kitchen, but she wanted a moment alone with Chuck.
"Okay." He got up and followed behind her out the door. He continued to follow her through the many halls she took until they were in the abandoned game room. It was forbidden after nine o'clock, but Blair couldn't concern herself with getting caught.
"The kitchen is closed," she explained when he glanced around the room with a quirked eyebrow. He seemed to accept this easily, and slid down onto one of the couches. Blair followed him and moved in beside him. She really wished he were just a bit more chatty. She was beginning to think that I Love You had been all in her head, or worse, for pity's sake.
"Is this place as depressing as it seems?" He glanced around at their surroundings with scorn. "How much longer are they forcing you to stay?" He finally turned back to meet her eyes with an expectant look. She couldn't believe he was going for small talk – or smallish talk. She supposed the longevity of her stay was a valid question.
"Probably a few more weeks… I have myriad of issues, apparently." Blair looked down, because the admission stung. She didn't want him looking at her like she was a head case, but she couldn't imagine how he could think of her differently. Still, he'd come there tonight. That had to mean something. "Chuck…" She looked up again, and found him watching her.
"Blair…" He smirked at her, and some of her tension eased. "Say it," he demanded, and she could hear a bit of impatience in his voice. His cool guy act was failing, and that comforted her. She couldn't be the only one on uneven ground.
"You said you loved me." She finally got it out and immediately looked away from him again. Part of her was just waiting for him to tell her she'd imagined the whole thing. For so long, all she'd wanted from him was to say he loved her, to actually love her. After a while, it had become painfully clear that he'd never be able to do so. He was too damaged, or at least he thought he was.
He remained silent, and she began to panic.
"You did, right?" She hated laying all her insecurities on display like that, but the time for saving face and pride had passed. If he loved her, she needed to know. If he didn't, she needed to know that too. Either way, it felt vitally important to the rest of her life. She needed an answer. Patience was not her strong suit.
She looked up again and found him staring back at her. He was kind of smiling, but there was something else there, too. She couldn't classify it as regret, but there was definitely fear and confusion. Her stomach clenched, and she really wished she'd left well enough alone until she'd discussed it with Serena. Serena might have counseled her to do this very differently, and then she wouldn't be feeling this bone crushing anxiety again. It was amazing how he always seemed to get her right back to this same place. It wasn't dread or unhappiness, but it wasn't joy, either. It was the exhilaration of the unknown. The fear of the fall; the hope for something more.
"Yeah." He nodded and took a deep breath. "I did." His voice could barely be classified as a whisper, but at least he'd admitted it. He looked a bit sick to his stomach, but Blair understood that. She was feeling nauseous herself. This was a lot like free falling. She didn't know where to go from here.
"Oh." She nodded in return and glanced away again. "Good," she whispered, clenching her hands in her lap. She needed to think of something else to say. She wanted to probe and force him to explain why he said it, and if he meant it. All of that seemed too daunting, though. So, for a while, they just sat there in the silence, watching the rain pelt the windows as it picked up.
Sometime later he started to stand up, and she reached for his hand to hold him in place. She couldn't let go of this moment yet. She couldn't coward out and let it pass her by.
"Do you?" Once again, she could barely get the words out. They got lodged in her throat and came out a raspy whisper. She looked up to where he was standing in front of her, and continued to hold his hand. He didn't try to move away. "Never mind." She shook her head, and dropped his hand. Now was not the time. They could figure this out later.
"Yeah." His voice sounded unnaturally loud, and she jerked her head up to meet his eyes again. He looked even more anxious than before, but she'd definitely heard him say it that time. "I do."
Blair nodded. She was a bit dumbstruck. She'd never really thought he'd admit it. She'd expected the crushing blow of defeat. She'd expected to be let down easily. She still worried about his reasons for telling her now, but she couldn't deny the truth in his eyes. He might look beyond sick with the situation, but he also had this look… like love. It felt like love too, when he sat back down beside her, and pulled her hand back into his.
"Me too." She turned to him quickly. She realized she hadn't said it back, and after everything that had gone on between them, she knew he'd need to hear it. "I do, too." She couldn't actually get the words out past her lips, but it seemed to be enough of an admission for both of them.
"How are you really doing?" He turned so his whole body was facing her, and he pulled on her until she backed into his arms and let him hold her. It felt right, but it also felt scary as hell. They'd opened a door, and Blair was flying blind now. What did she do with a Chuck Bass that loved her? It felt impossibly surreal.
"I hate it here." She almost laughed. That was the understatement of the century. "The doctors are nice, but I just… I want to be in my home, in my own life again. I want to be able to talk to Serena and…" She leaned her head back so she was looking at him. "And you," she admitted a bit shyly.
He brought his hand up to her shoulder and brushed her hair away before burying his face in her neck. He mumbled a quiet "Me too," as he snuggled into her. She closed her eyes, and allowed herself this comfort before forcing herself to speak again.
"I've been doing better, though," she told him, and he nodded against her neck. "I don't even know what better is…" She admitted tiredly. "I spoke with my father and…" She felt a harsh flow of emotion come up, and she tried to battle it down. She still didn't know what to do with her father.
Chuck kissed her neck, a soft gesture that both warmed and terrified her. She felt so close to him right then, but what happened beyond that moment made her uneasy. Chuck Bass wasn't a boyfriend kind of guy. She knew that. She even accepted that. She just wasn't sure what that left them with.
"You're tense." He pulled his head back up and twisted her around so they were face to face. "It is your father or…" He shrugged and looked away. He couldn't even say 'us'. That didn't exactly bolster her faith in their future.
"Us?" She said it for him, because she was sick of all the unsaid things. She already had too many relationships like that in her life. She hadn't chosen her mother, but she had chosen Chuck. She wouldn't let their relationship devolve into some non-communicative thing. She feared if she couldn't talk to him, they had nothing.
He nodded.
"You can't even say it." She wasn't trying to start a fight, but it bothered her more than she liked. For a while, she'd thought if he could just love her and admit it to himself then everything else would take care of itself. That had been naïve, and she understood that now. Love was just first cliff they had to jump over. Right now they were swimming in a sea of issues that neither one of them knew how to overcome. She couldn't believe just how screwed up they both were. It was a miracle they'd even made it this far.
"Say what?" He shot right back, and she could feel him growing rigid behind her. He turned to annoyance when he had no other reserves. "I already said it."
"It's like pulling teeth." She grumbled under her breath. Fighting wasn't on the agenda, but it was almost always easier than being raw and mature. She wasn't ready to be mature, and he sure as hell wasn't, either. They were both walking around in a pitch-dark room, stumbling over each other and themselves.
He sighed, and she saw complete exasperation on his face. "What more can I say? Tell me, and I'll say it. I came here tonight to be with you. You. No one else. I don't even want anyone else anymore, and that fucking terrifies me, Blair. I don't know what that means, or what I'm supposed to do with it. All I know is that I'm here. I'm right here with you… That's all I have." He shrugged, completely exhausted and out of patience. He moved her out of his arms and stood up. He was halfway across the room before she realized she needed to restart her brain and stop him.
"Wait!" She cried out to him, and he froze at the door but didn't turn around. He was done giving for the night. "You can't just lay that on me and walk out. Give me a minute to process." He turned to her slowly, and his face was set in a stubborn scowl. "I've waited for you for over a year. I'm sorry if I don't know what to do now," she half-yelled this at him, but she couldn't help herself. He'd completely rocked her with his confession.
"You started this!" He accused, and he sounded like a petulant child. Blair did her best not to laugh, but it burst out of her anyway. His scowl only deepened. "I don't find this funny," he told her, and then he sounded like a stern father. He was just as bipolar as she was.
"I…" She didn't know what to say. It all felt like too much, but at the same time not enough. She wanted to turn him into a romantic prince, spouting poetry and undying love. She wanted him to know exactly what to say and do to assure her that this was real, that he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't perfect, though, and fairytales didn't exist in the real world. "I'm terrified, too," she admitted, because that was all she could get out. "I think about you too much. I want you too much. I just…" She huffed in frustration and wiped at a lone stray tear that had leaked out. "I love you, and I'm really, really scared." That was her truth, and he could do with it what he wanted.
He walked back toward her slowly, like he was measuring every step in case he decided to bolt. By the time he sat down beside her at the couch, she was glaring. It should not have been this hard. She hated that everything between them was always this hard. For once, she would have liked an easy declaration of love, followed by a nice and easy relationship, marriage, babies, beautiful penthouses, and all the money and power they could ever want. That was the future she wanted, but she knew better than to say it out loud to him then. Everything went by inches with Chuck. She had to gauge things carefully or they'd go way off course again. It was unfortunate they were both so volatile.
He sat down on the floor in front of her, and rested his back against the couch. She knew he'd done it on purpose. He didn't want to have to look at her, and in some strange way that made it easier for her, as well.
"What about your boyfriend?" He was back to sounding like a child, and it took a moment to follow his quick mood swing. He leaned his head onto the couch and glared up at her. He was actually pissed. She was too stunned to answer. "He is still your boyfriend, right? Serena says he is."
Blair grit her teeth. She was going to kill Serena. "Temporarily," she told him because she knew he needed to hear it, and it was the truth. Marcus was a great guy, but she'd barely thought about him at all while she'd been in there. Meanwhile, she'd been obsessing about Chuck's 'I love you,' and plotting out a future with him. It felt cold to her, but she tried not to think too much about it. She would have made Marcus miserable in the end. He was too nice, too uncomplicated. She was a mess.
"You can use my phone if you'd like." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and held it up to her. Blair just stared at it. "Or better yet, let me do it." Blair snatched it away and rolled her eyes.
"I'm not dumping him on your phone. That is just… that's mean. He's been good to me. A real friend." Blair hoped Chuck understood this. "I need to do this the right way. I'll talk to him when I get released… I don't care about him that way, Chuck, but I do care about him." Blair wanted to be clear.
Chuck nodded and took his phone back. Her assurances that she was indeed going to break it off with Marcus seemed to placate him. She began smiling then. He was jealous. The great Chuck Bass was jealous. It felt too weird to be true, but there was no other explanation. It wasn't just his pride that was wounded; it was something deeper.
"You have no reason to dislike Marcus," she told him, waiting for a reaction. She knew she was pushing the limits of his tolerance, but she wanted more from him. She wanted him to be jealous. She needed to see it, maybe even hear it out loud.
"I don't dislike him. I don't care," he told her calmly, but there was an edge to his demeanor. He looked back at her again, and found her smiling before she could wipe it away. "Fine. I don't like him. I didn't like you dating him. It bothered me." It was clearly hard for him to get this out, but he made the effort for Blair, and she knew it.
She leaned down and quickly placed a kiss on his lips. She didn't linger, because she knew they couldn't go there yet. Her life was in a precarious place, and as much as she wanted to jump him – which she definitely did right then – she couldn't. She needed to get better, she needed to dump Marcus, and she needed to reclaim her life before she handed it back over to him. If she didn't find steady ground for herself, she knew it could never work with him. They'd sink each other.
"I hate when you talk to Georgina," she told him in kind, because she knew balance needed to be restored. They could so easily spin out into another argument if they weren't careful. Blair hated admitting her insecurities, but she knew she had to bring that wall down for them to ever get off the ground, and be what she desperately wanted them to be.
"Georgina?" He seemed genuinely surprised. "She's so… irritating." He grimaced at the thought, and Blair almost kissed him again. Of all the things he could have said to her right then, that had to be the best. "I never wanted her not for anything except – " Chuck stopped himself when he realized Blair was glaring. "I'm not going to lie to you, Blair. There have been a lot of girls."
Blair nodded. She really wished she could be indifferent and cool about this. "I know."
"You say you know, but you don't, really… I don't want what I've done to…" He fought for his words, and in the end he gave up. Communication was still a new concept for Chuck. "They never mattered. None of them. Not until you."
Blair really wanted to kiss him then and, against her better judgment, she went for it. She stood up, and stepped around him until she was lowering herself into his lap and straddling him. She linked her arms around his neck, and leaned in so their foreheads were touching. She brought one hand down to rest over his heart, and she felt it thumping against her hand. This was real. This was possibly the realest moment she'd experienced in her life.
"Kiss me," she whispered, and he was on her in a second.
His mouth fit perfectly against hers. This kiss didn't start off gentle or unsure like so many before it. He knew what he wanted, and he took it. Their bodies slid against each other, and she tightened her legs around him. His lips were ravenous against hers, rough one moment, then gentle, and then even more crazed. She could barely keep up with him, and that was thrilling.
He brought his hands into her hair and tangled it in his fingers. He held her head back, and wrenched his lips away from hers. She stared back at him, still desperate for more. It had gone past right or wrong. She just wanted. She needed. She tried to move toward him again, but his grip on her hair held her back. He watched her for a torturous few moments, before dropping his head to her neck and kissing a path down to her collarbone and then back up again. The gentle suction of his mouth against her skin was almost too much to take. She wanted to be kissing him again. She tried to force him back to her lips, but he wouldn't be hurried. He found a particularly sensitive spot and began nipping at it. Playful at first, and then so voracious that she knew he was marking her. When he was done, he worked his way along her jaw, until he finally landed on her mouth again. He only dallied there for a second before pulling back.
She could only stare. There was way too much space between them.
"I can't fuck you here." Blair flinched at his choice of words, but he softened almost immediately. He brought his hand up to her face and brushed the backs of his fingers along her flushed cheek. "It wouldn't be… right." He sounded pained when he said it.
Blair knew he was right. She wasn't even ready for this, if she was honest with herself. It was just so hard to be there with him with all those past barriers removed, and not just… jump him. Jumping him sounded so damn appealing. Especially right then when he looked all rumpled from their earlier activities. She'd messed up his hair, and her lip-gloss was smeared across his lips. She leaned in for a brief moment and allowed herself one more taste. It was like Eve and that damn apple. She just couldn't resist.
He kissed her back, but before they went up like a wildfire again, she stood up from his lap. They couldn't be sitting like that if she was supposed to think, and she knew he was having the same issue.
"We should get back." She was the first one to say it.
Chuck nodded and headed out of the room in front of her. She took a moment to gather herself, and smoothed her clothes and hair before following. He was waiting right outside the door, and she did her best not to smile at him but she couldn't stop herself. Things were nowhere near figured out, but she felt good. She actually felt like they had a fighting chance, and that was more than they'd ever had before.
They walked back into the room to find Serena, Carter and Nate sitting in silence. Nate was glaring at the wall, and Serena was pouting on the bed. Carter looked beyond furious. The second he spotted them he jumped out of his chair, and Blair knew he was going to explode.
"Don't you ever fucking leave me with these two alone again. Never again," he declared, looking Chuck straight in the eyes. "You think his bitching was bad while we were away, just wait until he's around her." He jerked his head towards Serena, but neither Nate nor Serena said a word. "Never again," he repeated.
Chuck nodded, and Blair could tell he sympathized. She was glad they had missed whatever melt down had occurred between Nate and Serena. She couldn't figure out how the happiest people she knew had become the most miserable. It kind of scared her, but she tried to push those thoughts aside. She and Chuck were nothing like Nate and Serena. They couldn't be.
"Thank God you're back," Serena whispered to her when Blair slid down onto the bed beside her.
"That bad?" Blair whispered back, and the girls were careful not to let their audience overhear them. The boys were busy whispering themselves though, so they didn't worry much. "I was hoping maybe…" Blair let the thought linger.
Serena shook her head, and wiped at her eyes. Tears were building, but she was holding them back. Blair was ready to smack Nate in the head.
"Almost New Year's," Carter called out to them a few minutes later. "Who's kissing me at midnight? Serena? Blair? Both of you?" He grinned at them and came towards them on the bed. They both tried to glare, but only ended up laughing. "You know I'm a much better choice than those two. Much more attractive."
"I'll pass." Blair wanted to kiss Chuck, but not in such a public way. She wasn't sure how their friends would react. Serena basically knew it all, but she wasn't sure what Chuck told Nate and Carter. Up until then, Carter hadn't exactly been supportive of a relationship. Blair was nervous to hear his commentary on their relationship now.
Serena turned on the TV, and they all stared at it as the countdown began. Nate continued to sulk in his chair, and Serena steadfastly ignored his presence. Chuck hung by the door, and Blair edged closer to him. He smirked at her, she and was surprised when he leaned down and brushed a gentle kiss against her cheek.
"Happy New Year," he whispered in her ear.
Blair pulled back and smiled up at him. "Happy New Year," she repeated.
The ball dropped, and Blair reached for Chuck's hand beside her. She slid her hand into his and held on tight. This would be their year.