I wasn't planning on posting today, but I read PrincessHyuuga01's The Switch, and it led me to write the following crack.

Important note: In The Switch, Tenten and Sasuke undergo a body swap, leaving Neji confused as hell. This is my take on Neji"Sasu", which is Neji and Tenten in Sasuke's body. ;)

Naruto and its characters do not belong to me.

I'm Not Who I Am

It had been a day of strange events, and Neji was more than ready to return home, shower, and crawl into bed.

As it was, he found himself in an unfamiliar location - it was a cross between a warehouse and a small residential apartment, and he didn't know how better to describe it. The place he was standing in was the warehouse side of the building, and Neji turned towards Sasuke, who frowned and worried at his lower lip.

For as long as Neji could remember, Sasuke never bit on his lip. But Sasuke, and even Tenten, had been behaving strangely for the past couple of days, and Neji couldn't figure out why.

As it was, Sasuke was stepping towards him, his eyes strangely expressive, in a way Neji had never seen before.

"Why did you lead me here?" Neji questioned.

"Neji," Sasuke whispered. He paused mid-step, two feet away from Neji, and glanced between Neji's eyes and mouth.

What the hell?

"Uchi-" Neji began warily, but the next thing he knew, Sasuke's arms were wrapped around his neck, and Sasuke's lips were on his.

They were moist and soft.

Neji shoved him away in disgust and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Why on Earth did Sasuke even think that Neji was remotely interested in him? He wasn't gay, for crying out loud.

Sasuke stumbled backwards, shock and embarrassment staining his features. He stared at Neji, mouth opening and closing. No words came forth.

"Neji, I-" Sasuke paused and gulped, his voice sounding strangely strangled. "I'm sorry about that, Neji. It's just that I..."

When did Sasuke start addressing him by his first name? Neji frowned in confusion. Did Sasuke have a crush on him?

Neji started to back away, horrified. He had no idea that Sasuke was gay. Worse, he didn't know how to reject Sasuke without sounding like a dick. How had he not known about Sasuke's feelings?

"You don't have to say more," he grit, swallowing uncomfortably.

"But I-" Sasuke looked at him helplessly, again with those trusting eyes. "I've liked you forever, Neji."

Neji felt his stomach turn. He wasn't sure if things could get worse than this. That had been his first kiss, and Sasuke had come waltzing right in and stolen it from beneath his nose.

All he knew was that he didn't want to be here.

"It isn't what you think it is," Sasuke said pleadingly.

Neji's brow furrowed deeper. "What?"

"I've told you, I'm not Sasuke, Neji," Sasuke said. "I'm Tenten."

Neji stared at him. "You need to visit the hospital, Uchiha," he said. "You don't seem to be drunk, but I think you've hit your head pretty hard."

"No, I'm not Sasuke!" Sasuke cried. "I'm Tenten! Sasuke and I somehow swapped bodies two days ago, and- and I don't know how to return to my own body."

Neji observed Sasuke silently. There was no such thing as swapping bodies. Sasuke had to have hit his head and sustained a concussion or something.

"Come on, let's get you to the doctor," he said, turning to the exit.

"I'll prove that I'm really Tenten," Sasuke said behind him. "We met in elementary school. You were in my class, and I sat right in front of you."

Neji frowned. Tenten had been sitting in the seat in front of him when they first met.

"And there's that secret blind date you went on with Ino," Sasuke continued.

Neji froze, and glanced sharply at Sasuke. "Who told you that?"

"You told me yourself," Sasuke grumbled, pouting. "We met at your place after the date, and you told me that you felt like you were forced to kiss Ino."

Neji felt a little sick. He wasn't sure if it was because Sasuke knew his secrets, or if it was because Tenten had somehow spilled them to Sasuke, and breached his trust.

Anger swelled in his gut. "You shouldn't say any more, Sasuke."

"I'm Tenten, not Sasuke!" Sasuke snapped. "Do I have to kiss you again to prove it, Neji?"

Neji winced, and turned an accusing glare on his friend. "I'd appreciate it if you kept your lips to yourself."

Sasuke flinched. He turned his eyes down, and sighed. "Talk to Sasuke, Neji - he's in my body. The Tenten you see is actually Sasuke."

Neji frowned, and looked away. "I'll find Tenten, and we'll sort this out."

Neji grimaced and closed his eyes.

Sasuke was Tenten, and Tenten was Sasuke.

Or rather, Tenten was in Sasuke's body, and Sasuke was in Tenten's body. It sounded wrong, it looked wrong, and Sasuke was standing across from him, fists propped on his hips, tapping a foot.

"So now you believe me," Sasuke-who-was-really-Tenten said.

The real Sasuke (who was in Tenten's body) had made himself scarce, and Neji didn't know what to think.

"I guess," Neji eventually yielded.

"So now that you know I'm really Tenten," Sasuke's grating voice said. Neji looked up. Onyx eyes bored into his; large hands grabbed his own. "May I- May I have..."

Sasuke's usually-stern face turned red, and he looked away.

"What do you want?" Neji asked tightly. He still couldn't come to terms with Tenten being in Sasuke's body. It felt like the universe was playing a cruel joke on him. Or maybe Sasuke was.

"May I-" Tenten gulped, and Sasuke's Adam's apple bobbed. "May I have a kiss?"

Neji stared at Sasuke (who was really Tenten), aghast. "You've got to be kidding."

Tenten shook Sasuke's head. "Not joking. I've dreamed about your lips on mine."

It felt really, really weird hearing that in Sasuke's deep voice, and seeing Sasuke's dark eyes gazing into his.

"Are you going to ask for sex next?" Neji inquired flatly, unamused.

Sasuke nodded his head, and Neji stifled a cringe.

This had to be the weirdest day of his life.

"Well, we won't talk about sex yet," Tenten said in Sasuke's voice, waving breezily. "Just a kiss. That's all."

Neji screwed his eyes shut, and opened them again. Sasuke was still standing in front of him, and looking at him expectantly.

"Just a quick one, please?" Sasuke asked coyly, batting his eyelashes.

Neji gulped. This was... not what he had bargained for.

But he had wanted to kiss Tenten for a long time.

Slowly, he nodded, and Tenten stepped forward in Sasuke's body, eagerly, black eyes wide and filled with excitement.

Neji took a deep breath.

Think about Tenten. Think about Tenten. Think about Tenten.

Sasuke's face stared back at him, and Neji did not feel any attraction towards this face at all.

"I can't do this," Neji said after a moment. He looked away from those hopeful onyx eyes. "Not while you aren't back in your original body."

Tenten lowered Sasuke's gaze, downcast. "But I may not get my original body back."

Neji winced, and heaved a sigh. "Trust that you will."

Sasuke's lips pulled into a wince. "But that could take forever!" Tenten grumbled in a low tone. "Isn't love supposed to transcend appearance?"

Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't kiss you while you're looking like goddamn Sasuke!"

Dark eyebrows drew into a frown; Sasuke's face looked more foreboding than usual. "What if you closed your eyes?"

It sounded like a plausible solution.

Slowly, Neji jerked his chin down, hardly able to believe that he'd just agreed to kiss Uchiha Sasuke's body full on the lips.

Sasuke (or rather, Tenten) grinned.

Neji closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and leaned in. Alarm bells were still going off in his head. It couldn't be that bad, could it?

Tenten's lips (not Sasuke not Sasuke not Sasuke) were warm and soft, and Neji leaned in closer, when Tenten threaded her fingers through his hair, slanting her lips over his. Their tongues met.

A low moan sounded, distinctly masculine, and not from Neji's lips. He cringed slightly.

The door burst open.

"What the hell?" Tenten's voice screeched. "Hyuuga, get your damn face away from mine!"

Neji jerked away, as if scalded. His eyes flew open to find a red-faced Sasuke across from him, and a furious Tenten (who was really Sasuke) at the door.

He exhaled slowly. This couldn't possibly turn out well.

Sasuke stalked forward in Tenten's body.

"I can't believe you did that," he snarled in Tenten's voice. Dark brown eyes glowered at Neji, and to the side, Sasuke (who was really Tenten) blushed guiltily.

"Don't you dare kiss him while you're in my body!" that familiar feminine voice growled dangerously. "Hyuuga, I expected better of you."

Neji found it extremely strange to be staring down Tenten's eyes, and having to think of Sasuke behind them. "I'm not gay, if that's what you're saying."

"If you're going to be shoving your tongue down my throat," Tenten's voice filled the warehouse, and Neji watched as slender fingers jabbed in his direction, "At least have the decency to acknowledge that you're kissing a guy."

"I'm not a guy," Tenten protested, her voice deep and masculine. Neji didn't want to think about that voice moaning in his ears. He especially did not want to think about how he'd been french-kissing Uchiha Sasuke on the lips.

"And don't you fucking dare have sex with him," Tenten-who-was-Sasuke sniped at Sasuke-who-was-Tenten. "I don't need his hands all over my junk."

"I'm not touching any male genitalia that isn't mine," Neji protested. "Contrary to what you think, Uchiha, I'm not gay."

"I'd better not return to find your hands down my pants," Tenten's shrill voice rang out.

"Trust me, you won't," Neji shot back. "I'm not interested in your manly parts."

It felt ridiculous saying that to Tenten's face, when all manly parts were in the direction of him and Sasuke's real body.

Neji heaved a sigh when Sasuke took Tenten's body out and slammed the door, leaving him and Tenten (who had black eyes and a too-manly physique) alone in the warehouse, all over again.

"So," Tenten said slowly, with Sasuke's voice. "How did you like the kiss?"

That had to be a loaded question.

Was he gay if he enjoyed that kiss? It hadn't been too bad. Maybe if they tried it out again, Neji could decide if he enjoyed it. And it was a kiss with Tenten, not Sasuke.

"I haven't decided," Neji said slowly. "But we could experiment with it again."

Sasuke's lips pulled up in a smirk that was unpleasantly familiar, and Neji headed to the door, where the light switches were. He flipped all the lights off.

Large hands found his arms slowly, backing him into the wall. Tenten, in her original body, would not have had the strength to do this quite so easily. But Tenten, in Sasuke's body, was a little forceful, and Neji tried not to think about the smell of Sasuke's breath.

"Neji," came the low growl, very masculine in nature. Neji winced.

"Don't talk," he warned, "I don't need to be reminded of your current predicament."

"It's not like you're as affected by it as I am," Sasuke's voice muttered, and the next thing Neji knew, a large hand was roughly grabbing his and flattening it against the bulge of Sasuke's jeans.

Neji hissed and yanked his hand away, as if burned.

In front of him, Tenten heaved a sigh. "I'm wet for you, Neji," she admitted in Sasuke's voice.

"Don't do that." Neji winced. He was going to have very uncomfortable memories of Uchiha Sasuke after this.

"I'll shut up," Tenten said, and kissed him again.

Assuming that most lips and tongues felt the same, Neji thought that kissing Tenten like this wasn't too bad - he was most definitely not kissing Sasuke. Tenten cupped his face and slid her lips over his, parting them. Their tongues met, and Neji groaned.

A large hand reached into his pants. Neji froze, uncertain.

It didn't feel bad.

It was Tenten grabbing him.

The only point of contention being that she was using goddamn Sasuke's body to do this. Did this mean he was gay?

Neji didn't know. He figured that he shouldn't think too much about this, either.

He groaned again when Tenten undid his pants and pulled him from his confines. Her hands felt good stroking over him, and Neji couldn't help thrusting into Tenten's palm.

He didn't imagine that their first time would occur in a place like this, or under their current circumstances, but Tenten's touch felt good, and Neji didn't want it to stop.

Especially when Tenten broke the kiss and crouched in front of him. He felt her breath on his tip; his breathing hitched. Neji swallowed, anticipating the heat of Tenten's mouth.

Neji felt like dying. Or burying himself in a tunnel to the center to the Earth.

Sasuke (in Tenten's body) had seen him. With Tenten. Who was in Sasuke's body.

Tenten had been using Sasuke's hand to fondle his unmentionables. Which was standing at full mast.

When Sasuke burst into the room. In Tenten's body.

Why hadn't they locked the door? They needed to figure out how it locked. Or Neji really needed to stop himself from getting into situations like this with Tenten while she was in Sasuke's body. It wouldn't have been as incriminating if he were merely discovered making out with "Sasuke"...

But when "Tenten" flicked the lights on, Neji had found Sasuke's body crouched in front of him. Tenten had been on the verge of taking him into Sasuke's mouth.

Neji clutched his head.

That had been an image he never, ever wanted to see. In his entire life.

It might not have been that bad if the lights had remained off, and they'd done the deed in the secret of darkness.

But now Sasuke had seen Tenten about to use his body to give Neji a blowjob, and Neji didn't know which one of them had it the worst.

He really, really felt like shriveling up into a tiny ball of shame. He wasn't gay, was he?

A/N: I hope I haven't broken your minds lol. This was hilarious when I first wrote it. ;) If you read Princesshyuuga01's The Switch and are interested in seeing it result in NejiTen, please do inform her with a review - whether it ends up as SasuTen or NejiTen depends on readers' votes. :P

As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to review. :)