MCU (c) Marvel

My heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel, deliver us from sorrow's hold or from my hard heart. I can't go on living this way, but I can't go back the way I came. Shamed of this fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul, and I will wander 'til the end of time… half a life without you. My heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel, deliver us, change, open your eyes to the light! I denied it all so long, oh so long. Say goodbye, goodbye. — Evanescence

Numb.

Numb. That was all she felt. Cold, empty, unyielding numbness. The pitch and roll of the ship in the farthest reaches of her mind. The steady tattoo of her heart, loud in her ears; her hands shook. They said the first stage of grief was denial. Staring at Steve's pale lifeless face, his eyes closed as if he was asleep, Natasha understood why they said that. Tears stung the corners of her eyes and she placed her hand on his cheek, rough due to his beard beneath her palm. A sob wanted to break free, her chest tight and aching. The ship took a large swell, the shelves groaning and old equipment straining with a tired groan. Steve's body began to slide on the downslope. A gasp escaped her throat and she flung herself on top of him; shivers running down her body. "No," she breathed out, her throat tight, the desire to cry was overwhelming, but she stamped it down. She would not let Alexi and Ivan see her tears. She pillowed her head on Steve's still chest, eyes drifting close as she grabbed his hand.

A sudden chill of shock shivered down her spine which blossomed in her breast as hope. Fear stilled her though, realizing that if Alexi or Ivan discovered what she just learned — no, she refused to walk down that path of thought. Ivan walked over to her and lifted her chin up with a finger. She glared at him, sinking deep into her training. The void within her was calm and dark and cool. This numbness was comforting and familiar, the murderous cold embraced her, and she schooled her expression into an impassive façade as she fixed her former handler with an icy glower. "I remember the last time you felt this," Ivan whispered, his voice soft as fallen snow and just as cold. She didn't reply. "You were sobbing at the base of the pod." He shook his head. "I knew then that you'd be trouble. For so long you were so good, my best one. My Black Widow."

She swallowed. She had founded where they kept Bucky, a half-formed rescue plan in her head, believing that they kept him locked up in a cage. Her hopes of saving him and running away shattered when she saw him frozen in that cryo pod. Lukin had called Ivan, and he subjected her to some unpleasant reeducation. Lukin had taken one man she loved, Ivan had stolen another, but neither would not get Steve. Steve had a chance. "Sorry I disappointed you," she said.

"No," Ivan said, stroking her cheek. "No, Natalia, you never disappointed me. Only saddened. I gave you everything, brought you to Madame B, to the Red Room. We made you into who you are." He gave her a fatherly smile. "A poor girl living on the streets of Volgograd and gave her a home."

"I had a home."

Ivan snorted as he stood. "Your grandmother was more dead than alive by the time I sent my agents in the KGB to fetch you." He snapped his fingers and she felt Alexi's strong hands yank her by her shoulders. She didn't protest as he slipped handcuffs on her; the metal cold against her skin. Grunting as Alexi hauled her to her feet, she spared a single glance for Steve. "Don't worry about him," he said. "I have use for the one success of Dr. Erskine's formula."

"What?" She arched a brow, letting the rage coil in the pit of her stomach. A dragon awaiting its opportune moment to strike. "Are you going to harvest his organs."

"Tissue samples, blood samples, everything and anything we need to unlock Erskine's formula." Ivan nudged Steve's body with a toe. "It's all he's good for now." He gave a derisive snort. "World's greatest soldier."

"Too bad for you," she said, "I read the SSR files on Erskine's formula. He feared that someone would try to kill any successful test subject to reverse engineer the formula, so he developed a failsafe." She smirked. "It's a pity really. Spending all that effort to just kill him and not get anything out of it. That's what I'd call a zero-sum."

Ivan slapped her. "I think you need another lesson in obedience, Natalia," he said. "Now what is this failsafe?" She flexed her jaw, finding nothing broken but the taste of blood in her mouth and stared her handler down. He nodded, and Alexi yanked her head back by her hair. "Tell me Natalia, what do you know?"

She gasped, staring half at the overhead and half at Alexi. Her mouth worked but no sound came out. Truth was, she never read anything about a failsafe in Erskine's formula in the case of death. People had been trying to crack the riddle that was Steve Rogers for over seventy years, as far as she knew, nobody had gotten close. He was the one and only super soldier created from Erskine's formula.

It was a risk, but she had to protect Steve. Ivan taught her to lie. By bringing her into the Red Room, he made her who she was. Allowed her to become Black Widow, which lead to Clint rescuing her, and in turn meeting Steve. It was sick twisted way of looking at it, but if it wasn't for Ivan taking an interest in an almost-orphan girl that had dared to pick the wrong pocket one cold December day, she would have never met (and fallen in love with) Steve. This is a test of my abilities. I have to do it. To protect Steve and complete my mission. Alexi's grip tightened in her hair, a cry escaped her throat. "Th-The failsafe—" she gasped. "Erskine… the formula reverses… itself upon death. Three hours after… effects start."

"So, you're telling me," Ivan said, "that by killing Captain America, his secrets die with him?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," she said, trying to wiggle free of Alexi's grip on her hair. "You may have killed Steve, may have taken away our best asset but in the end, you lose."

Ivan glared, huffing as he pulled out a gun and aimed it at Steve's head. She yanked her head again, pulling free of Alexi's grip at last. "I think you're lying," Ivan said. She kept her face impassive.

"Why would I lie?"

"Don't be so naïve Natalia, to think that just because I'm an old man I have lost my touch." He cocked the gun. "Are you lying about the failsafe."

"No." She pressed her tongue between her back molars to keep her mask in place as she watched Ivan press the muzzle of the gun against Steve's temple.

"I think you're lying about something."

"I have no reason to lie to you, Ivan. You killed Captain America and recaptured me. You have what you want." She gave him a little smirk. "You lured me here, and you intend for me to do what I'm best at. Killing. You want me to kill the Russian president and the American president and pin the blame on the two opposite sides." She chuckled. "Clever. Let Russia and America tear itself apart and you'll seize control in the shadows."

"I see you read my reports before we found you," Ivan said. "But you're wrong." He holstered the gun, and kicked Steve in the side, she flinched. He stepped over Steve and took her by the bicep. "Come," he said, giving her a tug. She glared, though complied. She glanced over her shoulder watching Alexi scoop up Steve and sling him over his shoulder. Her ex-husband caught her watching and glared at her. She frowned and fixed her gaze ahead, walking behind Ivan.

For the remainder of the voyage, Ivan held her in a small space that was big enough for a pull-down wall desk, a bookshelf and two chairs. A whistle sounded, the crew scrambling to dock the ship at the Crimean port. The door creaked open, Alexi stepped in. His large frame dwarfing her and the room. "Alexi."

"Natalia," he said and sat down in the other chair. It creaked, protesting his weight. "Been a long time."

"Has it?" she shifted, it hurt sitting in a chair with her hands cuffed. She shivered a bit, the metal of the ship provided no insulation, trying to roll her shoulders and relieve the ache in her muscles, trying not to think about Steve. "How did you get that bloodied nose?" she asked, noticing the blood beneath Alexi's nose.

"None of your business," he growled, rubbing at the blood, dislodging the dried reddish flakes. She could hear the tugboats pushing against the ship. The creaks and groans of the metal, the tugs and the lines maneuvering the bulky ship into place. Alexi watched her, it unnerved her though, the sad look in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said his voice soft and tender like how she remembered it. Her gaze remained unwavering and he glanced down at his hands. "They… they told me—" he stopped, shaking his head. "So many lies Natalia. So many. I just… I just wanted to serve my country. I love Russia. I thought I was doing the right thing. What they told me… what they had me do… Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Natalia, what I did—"

"Did you even loved me?" she asked, watching as his head jerked up at the question. A bright indignant fire blazed in his brown eyes — eyes she once found herself getting lost in. "Well?"

"Solnishko," he said, "I couldn't… you don't understand, I couldn't."

She rolled her eyes. "We always have choices, Alexi." The intercom sounded, the mooring successful and the unloading process could begin. She sighed, trying to crack her spine. "They told me you were dead." She held his gaze. "Ivan came to my apartment and told me you were dead."

"Oh, Natalia, I'm—"

"Don't." She fixed him with a glare. "Just don't. If you really felt like that, you would have done something. Instead, I… I…" she stopped, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does. What we had, what we were. It doesn't matter."

Alexi growled, banging his fist against the wall. It took all her willpower not to flinched, though she noted his bloodied knuckles. The wounds look fresh… well, fresher than the ones earlier. She wasn't sure how fast Alexi healed. Steve's cuts and scrapes closed within hours, sometimes even minutes depending on how bad they were. "It matters to me, Natalia."

"It does?" she cocked a brow. He stood up, using his increased height and bulk to tower over her. Steve had used his height and mass to his advantage a few times to intimate people into talking, he tried to do it once with her in a hospital in DC. Though she didn't show it, Alexi leering over her scared her, because the difference between Alexi and Steve was that she knew Steve would never hurt. She had no faith in Alexi holding himself back if pushed to a boiling point. "Why does it matter to you about how I felt?"

He growled and punched the dented wall again, the metal groaned, and she flinched despite herself. Alexi heaved in breathes like an enraged bull, causing her to feel small and defenseless. "Chert, Natalia." His expression was torn between what he felt for her and whatever his training had ingrained into him. The thing was, she knew that Alexi had cracks in his conditioning. It was easier to condition a child — a mind so innocent and malleable — than an adult's mind, which was set and developed. "You… why him?"

She furrowed her brow; not sure what Alexi was getting at. "Who?" she asked, thinking it was better to play dumb and give Alexi enough slack to hang himself.

"You know who!" Alexi snarled, caging her in. She leaned back against the chair, gaze never leaving his. His breath stank of whatever he last ate, a hint of vodka and his toothpaste. A few of the tiny capillaries in his sclera had burst open, dying the white a horrid pinkish color. "That American you were with! The one that thought he could defeat me."

Steve, oh God what has Alexi done to Steve? She controlled her pupil dilation, her breathing and heart rate. "What about him?" she asked, hoping her voice sounded dismissive. "He was nothing to me, just my partner."

"Don't fucking lie to me, Natalia!" Alexi growled, shaking the chair. She swallowed, finding the void of calm within her mind. "He was more than just a partner to you! You begged for me to not hurt him. Then you flung yourself over him, protecting him."

She narrowed her eyes. "And if I did? What of it? Need I remind you I thought you were dead," she said.

"Do you love him? Do you love this Captain America?"

The ship was silent, save for the lapping of waves, muted by the metal. Her pulse thundered in her ears, a rapid tattoo that she feared Alexi heard as well. She concentrated on keeping it at her resting heartrate, her breathing even, her pupils normal. She mustn't give anything away. If Alexi figured out what Steve meant to her, he'd tell Ivan and Ivan would use that information to break her. "No." She was glad Steve was dead, for he'd never have to hear her say these horrid bitter lies. "No, I don't love him."

Alexi snarled, yanking her hair back, exposing her throat. She gasped, thrashing her head back and forth, trying to break free. His lips closed over her pulse point, his hot moist breath fanning against her skin. She whimpered. "Alexi." He kissed her pulse point again and looked into her eyes. Jealous passion burned in those brown eyes of his; she found it darkly alluring, drawing her in and destroying her. His lips — hot, wet, demanding — covered hers, coaxing her to kiss back.

He pulled away, just enough to speak. "I think you're lying solnishko," he growled. He ran his other hand down her throat, sending shivers along her spine. "Tell me the truth, Natalia. Make this easy for—"

She kicked him in the groin, pulled her hair free and smashed the frontal bone of her skull into Alexi's nose. He yowled, staggering back, allowing her to get both her feet between him and push. He fell into the opposite wall with a clatter. She grimaced as she popped her thumbs out and wiggled out of the cuffs. "I don't easy, Alexi" — she popped her thumbs back into place, thanking the healing factor of her serum for quick recovery — "you should've known that." She slammed her wrist against his throat, shocking him with her bite. He jerked and spazzed, spittle bubbling out of his mouth. She pulled away and opened the door, looking around and trying to orient herself. She looked at the tack number above the door she just left and then ran forward, climbing the ladder up to the main deck, going forward until she reached midships and climbed another ladder to find the airlock to the outside.

She grumbled as she had to close one door, then opened the other. She closed the second door behind, dodging and weaving through the workmen topside, heading towards the gangway that lead to the dock. She'll radio Sam once she was safe, tell him what happened to Steve and they'll work out their contingency plan. She swore when she saw Ivan on the other side of the quarter deck. She decided she'll end this now, she charged her bites and ran at him, ignoring the malicious smirk on Ivan's face smug wrinkled face. "Soyuz," he said as she threw her punch.

What? Her eyes widened, rolling back into her head as she went limp and fell to the ground. What… what the hell… Ivan… you… bastard…

"Poor Natalia," he said as she began to lose consciousness. "Did you really think I didn't have a contingency plan?"

Damn… you…

She came to hours later, bound to a stainless-steel table, a naked bulb overhead casting a harsh glare on the shiny metallic surface of the table. The walls were brick, painted grey with a clock situated behind her; the cold floor, concrete. Across from her was a mirror-window and to her left was a heavy steel door. "Damn," she grumbled and jerked her hands, but whomever bound her had gotten smart and used cuffs designed to hold a super soldier. Twisting, she tried to see the clock but was unable to, so she sat there, waiting for someone to come in.

She didn't have to wait long, the door screeched open and Ivan walked in, a smug smile on his face. He closed the door and walked over to her. "Good to see you wake."

"Clever trick." She glared at him.

"A deactivation word, implanted into your mind shortly after you came to the Red Room. In case you ever… bucked against your training or assignments." Ivan walked to one of the corners she couldn't see and dragged a chair over to her. He sat on her left-hand side. "One-time use."

"What do you want?" she asked. "Why am I here? If you don't want me to kill the President of the United States and the President of Russia, then—"

"Oh, I'll kill them" — the smile he gave her was malicious — "you won't pull the trigger. I have to get two countries to hate each other, hate all the other stands for."

"That'll never happen," she said, "the US and Russia may not be allies, but they both aren't stupid enough to go to war either each other."

"I trained you in manipulation, Natalia," Ivan said, "do you really think I will be unable to pull this off? People rally to symbols. And if those symbols are tarnished, broken… the disillusion masses will rebel against the power behind those symbols."

"What? You'll hijack Iron Man's suit and get him to kill the Russian President?" she snorted. Nobody could hack Tony's suit. FRIDAY wasn't JARVIS, but the AI was still a product of Tony Stark, and the only thing she came across that was smart enough to hack Tony Stark's tech was Ultron. A machine he created.

"Now there's a thought," he chuckled, the sound was like worms wriggling down her body. She shivered, looking away. "But no," he said, patting her hand. "I have something else in mind."

She snarled. "I'm not the same person you remember, Ivan. I have my own life. I'm not your pawn anymore."

"Children," Ivan said, getting up and pacing before her. "So ungrateful, especially daughters." He stopped in front of her, cupping her chin in his gnarled hand. His skin was rough and paper-like. She spat in his face and his punishment was swift; the slap stung across her cheek. "Disrespectful too."

"I am not your pawn, Ivan. I haven't been your pawn for years."

"That is where you're wrong, Natalia," Ivan said. "I saved you when you were a girl, I made you into who you are." He walked behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders and leaning in close. "I own you, Natalia. No matter how long you've been away from me, how far you run, how many times you tell yourself you have atoned for all the blood on your hands" — he ran his hands down her arms and sides. She shuddered, biting her tongue to keep the pathetic whimper at bay. His laugh was hot and sinister to her ears. — "I own you."

"I'm not afraid of my past."

"Really?" he pulled away from her, returning to the position in front of her, leaning in close so she was unable to turn her head away. "Then why did you lock your lover in a meat freezer?"

"He's not my lover."

"Come now, Natalia, do you really think I'm that stupid to not realize what that American meant to you? The way you beg and pleaded for Alexi to spare him, the way you flung yourself over his body? How you clung to his corpse."

"I care about him, yes, he was my partner. A friend from work."

"Your naïveté surprises me." He shrugged. "But then what do I expect after a decade in America. It's made you soft. Black Widow doesn't have friends. Black Widow doesn't love. Black Widow doesn't have attachments. What does the Black Widow have Natalia, hmm? Tell me, what does the Black Widow have?"

She hung her head, clenching her hands as best she could with them bound to the table. She didn't want to say it, didn't want to reaffirm Ivan's twisted control over her. Throughout her childhood she had heard this mantra. Been told over and over again what the Black Widow has, made to parrot it like good little robots. "…targets…" she licked her lips, sweat beading at her hairline. "The Black Widow only has targets."

He patted her cheek. "Good girl Natalia, I knew there was my good girl in there some—" he yelped as she sank her teeth into his thumb. He grabbed her hair and slammed her hand against the desk to dislodge her. She groaned, letting go, blood beading at her hairline. She ran her tongue along the edge of her upper teeth, a fierce look in her eyes. He pulled out a handkerchief and wrapped his thumb. "You try my patience, Natalia."

"I told you, I'm not your pawn."

He shrugged. "Do you really hate me that much? After everything I did for you?" he asked, returning to his chair. "Do you remember how I found you?"

"What do you want from me if I'm not to be reprogrammed into your perfect assassin?"

"Oh you will be reprogrammed, just not right away." He leaned back in the chair. "Alexi was in a state."

"He left himself open for that. He was always too impatient when his temper was up." She shifted in the chair. "He forgot who he was dealing with."

"So have you. But it's good to know he still wants you." Ivan leaned forward. "Tell me has the American defiled you?"

"Oh, so now its defiled?" she looked at her former handler. "And the Red Room's graduation ceremony? What was that? A rite of passage?"

"If you want to look at it that way." The shrug he did infuriated her.

"You took my ability to choose my own path away from me!" she snarled. The table chattered as she tried to get at Ivan, but with her hands bound to the table she was powerless. Her chest rose and fell, her heart pounded against her ribs. "I… I wanted a future, with children in it."

"Come now, Natalia," he said, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks, she flinched at his touch. "You and I both knew, children were never in your future."

"Don't touch me."

"Always so melodramatic." He shook his head and walked over to the mirror. "Just like him." He twisted a knob by the mirror. A man grunted against restraints designed to contain him, heavy breathing and rattling chains. "Like someone else I know."

She froze, eyes widening. "Ivan, you bastard," she said, allowing her cold rage to fill her up, give her comfort and strength. If she had listened to Steve, had gone after Ivan with him by her side, then maybe she wouldn't be in this situation. Me and my damn stubbornness. "What have you done?"

Ivan didn't reply, instead he turned up the volume on the speaker. Static sounded for a moment before a familiar voice was heard. "Natasha? Natasha? Where is she? Where is Natasha? Where's Natasha!"

Ivan hit another switch, the light came on in between the planes of glass. "One-way mirrors. You can see him, but he can see you."

Her lip trembled at the sight. The prisoner in the other room, the sound of his voice calling for her, demanding to know where she was. "Let him go, Ivan. He has no part to play in this," she said, grabbing what was left of her anger and finding that void of calm again. "This is between you and me."

He pulled out a trinket from his pocket. "This is the ring he gave you, no?" She struggled to remain impassive, but she should have known it was a fool's errand to try and outwit the man that created the Red Room, the man that trained her. "You were to be his bride, were you not?" The smirk on his face, twisted his features, reminding her of a demon. "Did you really think you could leave this world, Natalia? Start a family?" He pocketed her engagement ring again. He walked to her and lifted her chin up, allowing her to look into his cruel, cruel eyes. "Do you remember what I said about symbols? How people will lose faith in symbols if those symbols are tarnished?"

"No." She yanked her chin free, the puzzle pieces falling into place. "No, you wouldn't dare!"

He laughed as he walked back to the little speaker and command box by the one-way mirror. "Why don't you tell him, Natalia. Tell him what awaits him, what I will do to him. Tell him how you became Black Widow. Tell him your truth." He hit a button.

Job hunting is a pain. I hate it. I suffer from akrasia (the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgment through weakness of will). So yeah, there's that. And uh… I splurged on Cap comics. So, that got some inspiration back. Finally figured out how to do this story without answering everyone's question from the last chapter. I mean, honestly this is set before Infinity War. I'm assuming ya'll have seen Infinity War, right?

Anyway, the next two chapters we'll delve into Natasha's past. I've been looking forward to writing these chapters for a long time. They were chapters I've had planned since chapter 3. Yes, Alexi was always supposed to return near the end, since I teased him in chapter 3. I've been planning this for a long time.

So, the failsafe was a little thing I threw from reading Brubaker's The Death of Captain America storyline, in which Steve dies and the serum "de-ages" him. The Soyuz is another thing I picked up from the same storyline. Bucky has a shut off word (Sputnik), which makes him go unconscious. One time use. Seeing as Natasha is trained by the Russians and was subjected to her own brand of brainwashing, it makes sense they have a shut off word. Soyuz was the flight that Yuri Gagarian was back up to.

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