Disclaimer: SM owns the characters, the plot is mine © isakassees 2009-2010
A/N: Good Lord. I throw in a little kissing and you guys come out of the woodwork! Thank you for all of your reviews, they are very appreciated, and I really do try to reply to them all. I'm excited to be up for another award! It's up for Best Written Fanfiction of the Year So Far at the Twilight All-Human Fanfiction Awards. I'll post the website at the bottom.
Thank you to bellamarie117 for her work beta'ing and FantasyMother for her help pre-reading for me. Thank you D Pattinson for her help this chapter as well.
Chapter 25: New Day
(August 27th)
BPOV
"Oomph!" I groaned as a little knee made contact with my stomach. At least she missed the ribs she re-bruised yesterday.
Opening my eyes groggily, I realized I was snuggling a foot into my face, as Lily was lying upside down on the bed between Edward and I. They were both still sound asleep and I took the opportunity to ogle him a bit. He looked so adorable, his messy hair even crazier than usual, a light stubble shading his jaw. He was cradling Lily's other foot to his chest tightly, his face completely peaceful.
Eee! He loves me!
I couldn't believe that last night had really happened. Yesterday had been such a rollercoaster, starting off with such a serious conversation with Edward about Lily, to horsing around with Emmett until the flowers showed up.
Motherfucker still doesn't get it, even after all these years. I. Don't. Like. Roses.
Not that it would have made a difference even if he had shown up with lilies hanging from his ears. I couldn't believe the audacity of Jake. Truthfully, I wasn't sure if I was angrier with him or myself. Him for trying to weasel his way into my life, or me for falling for it and calling him. And now he had my number.
Stupid, stupid Bella.
Why? Why did he even care about anything to do with Edward? He had Vanessa. I had moved on. Even if I hadn't, I had matured enough to realize that he never knew the real me, he only knew the person he created and idealized in his mind. He had no idea who I really was, not that he ever did. Why wouldn't he just go away?
And then he had reached a whole new level of vindictiveness and evil when he started spewing venom about Edward and our abduction. No one else besides Edward would have been able to calm me down. And he had, until he opened his big mouth and sparked our first argument.
But I could never stay mad at him long, and I didn't really have a chance to try. Emmett kept me preoccupied enough to not worry constantly about Lily the entire time she was gone, but as soon as she came back I knew something wasn't right. Her face looked the same as it did the first time after James punished me in his room.
To see her lose it like that, to fall out of reality…I would have taken a thousand beatings or endured a hundred broken ribs to not ever witness that again. She was so wild, so broken. It had taken everything in me to not fall apart before I could bring her back from the dark place she was lost in. The same place I had been lost in before.
Now, as I reached down and stroked her hair, I smiled at the way she snuggled into my touch, how peaceful she seemed in her sleep.
It had killed me to leave her yesterday to go the hospital, but by the time the initial shock of the pain was over, it was too late. Emmett was beside himself, and all I could do to help him calm down was to stay at the hospital and be checked out so he wouldn't worry. If nothing else, it gave him time to stop blaming himself and Jasper time to talk reason to him.
Once we were finally back home, I had been so eager to see Lily and Edward, only to be disappointed by the fact that they were already in bed. I settled into a chair in the library, sitting back and reading over an old favorite, Anna Karenina, and slipped away into slumber without meaning to.
When I had been awoken by the sound of that song…that song…Every night I had heard it, soothing me in sleep, haunting me in reality. And it was him, all along, it was him.
It's always been him.
I caught Lily's leg just in time before she kneed me again and she stirred awake slowly, stretching out like a little cat.
"Good morning, sunshine," I sang to her.
"Ungh, Bella. Why are you upside down?"
Laughing at her, I helped pull her up to the head of the bed. "I'm not upside down, Silly Lily. You are. I'm surprised you didn't kick me off the bed."
Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she yawned. "Does this mean we can't have sleepover Friday?"
I worried my lip, unsure. "I…I don't know. I guess that's up to Daddy. Last night was kind of a special circumstance, so maybe we can still do our sleepover."
Crinkling her little nose up unhappily, she asked indignantly, "What's cirsumskancet?"
Pulling her down for a hug, I smiled. "It just means that you had a good reason to be upset yesterday, so I don't know if last night counts towards not getting the sleepover. But even if we have to wait, we'll still do it sometime."
She was quiet for a moment, thinking seriously over everything I said. Or as seriously as a four-almost-five year old could. "So do you think everybody's mad at me? Daddy said s'okay, but…are you mad at me, Bella?"
Squeezing her tighter to me, I laid my head down on hers. "No one is mad at you, Lily. Not me, not Uncle Emmett, and not Daddy. Have you ever shaken up a soda and watched it explode?"
She nodded against my shoulder, so I continued.
"Well, sometimes when we have to keep things bottled up for a long time, and then we get shaken up, we explode, just like a soda bottle. That doesn't mean it's okay to throw a fit if you don't get to have ice cream for dinner, but yesterday was really hard. You remember the day I came back sad? I had to talk about what happened, too. And that day you made me feel better. Yesterday, it was my turn to make you feel better.
"And I'm really sorry you had a bad dream and couldn't find us. Do you want to talk about your dream?"
She looked up at me with sad eyes that were too old for her face. "Daddy got takened away by the man and we was trying to find him, but we couldn't, and then we got lost in the woods, and you got sick again, and I was all aloned."
I kissed her forehead to comfort her, trying to find the right words. "The man is gone forever, Lily. He can never hurt us again. And Daddy and I love you so much. We will never leave you alone. I want you to try and not worry about yesterday. Let's have a good day today."
She nuzzled into me, sighing happily.
"That is such a beautiful thing to wake up to. How are my girls this morning?" Edward's husky, low voice asked.
Lily stayed close to me, but turned to face him, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
"Daddy! I was sleeping upside down. Do I still get my sleepover?"
He smiled back at her, rubbing his hand over his face and into his hair, making it even wilder.
"Yeah, my little Lilybug. Yesterday was a hard day for everybody. Today's a new day." He paused as Lily's stomach growl rang out into the room. Both of us laughing, he reached over to ruffle her hair.
"It sounds like it's time for breakfast. Bella, let me go find my mom to help you get ready while Lily and I get dressed."
Meeting his eyes for the first time that morning, I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Everything in his expression, his gaze, told me how much he still meant everything we had said the night before. The adoration in his eyes was even easier to see in the light of day.
"Thank you, Edward. I'll…you know…be waiting here."
He grinned at me, leaning over and kissing Lily's forehead. He kept his eyes locked on mine the whole time, brushing his thumb over my cheek before he pulled away.
"We'll be back," he promised in a God-awful impersonation of the Terminator, before jumping off the bed and throwing Lily over his shoulder as he strode out of the room.
Esme slipped in a few moments later, greeting me cheerfully as she opened the curtains in my room.
"Did you sleep alright, Bella? Last I saw you, you were curled up in the library."
I blushed instantly, thinking of last night, but willed the heat in my face away before she saw.
"I slept fine, Esme. Lily's nightmare woke up Edward and he brought me upstairs so we could all sleep together. Other than a few good kicks from Lily, it was great."
She chuckled as she helped me up to the shower. "That child takes after her aunt so much. Alice used to practically kick Carlisle off the bed, and I hardly had three inches to myself on nights she would sleep with us."
I couldn't keep the smile off my face as she helped me shower, reveling in the lightness I felt now that Edward and I had aired out our feelings. As I toweled my hair dry, Esme fetched the dress I had pointed out to her for me to wear for the day. After I had slipped on the strapless blue maxi-dress, Esme went to find Edward so he could help me downstairs.
Edward entered shortly after, as Esme took Lily down to the kitchen for breakfast. He froze just inside of my room for a moment, before leaping to the bathroom where I was leaning against the doorframe.
"Love. You look so beautiful in this color. Every time you wear it, it takes my breath away."
I blushed and looked down immediately, embarrassed as I tried to adjust to hearing compliments like that, the kind where he sounded so sincere, like he really believed it. He tilted my chin up gently, gazing at me with patient eyes.
"Can I kiss you, Bella?"
Oh my God, yes, please.
My heart took off like a hummingbird's wings, but I managed to nod. He inched forward slowly, brushing his lips ever so softly against my own. When he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, I lost all ability to keep the kiss gentle. Winding my hands into his hair, I tugged lightly to keep him where I wanted him to be, but that seemed to light a spark in him. He pressed me further against the frame, his grip on my hips tight and barely restrained.
When he broke away for us to breathe, he rested his forehead against mine as I panted, trying to gain back some semblance of control.
"Christ, Bella. What you do to me with just a kiss…" he breathed, his chest heaving.
I wanted to laugh, because he was the one driving me insane, but I didn't get the chance before his lips were on mine again, softer, gentler than before. Without meaning to, I let out a soft hum of satisfaction, and I felt his lips curl up into a smile, effectively ending the kiss.
"I love kissing you," I whispered as he nuzzled my neck.
"Mmm. I love you," he murmured against my skin, making me shiver a bit. He wrapped his arms around me for a hug and I rested my head against his chest, feeling so at home, so safe and happy. When he pulled back, I leaned against the doorframe for support, feeling shy as he stared down at me.
His brow furrowed and I followed his gaze down to my arm where the three-inch scar from James' stab was. My other hand flew up to cover it quickly, as I cleared my throat uncomfortably.
"Maybe I should put on a sweater or something, it's pretty gross to look at…"
"Shh," he hushed, pulling my hand away gently. Slowly, he pulled my arm up slightly, leaning down and kissing the puckered skin softly before raising his head back up, smiling at me. "Breathe, Bella."
I gasped out a small laugh, not realizing I had been holding my breath. Rubbing it softly with his thumb, he held my eyes with his.
"This is a reminder of how strong you are. This is a part of you, and every part of you is beautiful." Leaning in, he kissed me softly once more before scooping me up into his arms.
"We'd better get downstairs before Lily comes looking for us."
I bit my lip to keep from grinning like an idiot the whole way downstairs, inwardly fanning myself after everything he'd said.
I think I almost swooned.
When we reached the kitchen we stopped short at the scene before us. Lily was rolling on the floor, cackling hysterically and pointing at Emmett, who was covered in flour and God-knows what else, wearing a pink apron with ruffles. Esme popped up out of the hallway and began snapping pictures of him, and Edward was laughing so hard he had to set me on my feet to keep from dropping me.
"Emmett…whaa?" I asked, bewildered.
I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw his face blush underneath all the flour.
"Um, well, I know you guys have a thing for pancakes, so I thought maybe I'd make breakfast."
"Emmett," I spoke slowly. "Do you know how to cook pancakes?"
He stuttered and gaped, trying to answer. "Well, I've seen my mom…and there's that Donald Duck cartoon…I tried to follow these instructions, but…"
I held up my hand, shutting him up. "Alright, Emmett, I got it. Did you and the flour get into an argument? Because I have to tell you it looks like you lost."
He became frantic, trying to explain and waving his hands about, flinging batter everywhere. "It just exploded on me! I was just standing there! All I did was rip the bag open and it flew all over the place! And I was trying to crack the eggs with one hand like I saw you do the other day, but they went everywhere, too. And that made the flour sticky, so now I can't get it off. I'm all crusty now."
An evil grin came across his face for a split second, and when he opened his mouth, I knew it would be bad.
"That's what sh-"
"Emmett!" we all yelled at him in unison.
His face and shoulders fell, and he looked miserable. "I just wanted to make Lily breakfast."
Lily had picked herself up off the floor, and she walked over to him, watching him curiously. She took a towel and cleaned off one of his giant paws before placing her little hand in his.
"Uncle Emmie, you can't cook. You probly shouldn't try to do that again. Can I spray you with water in the backyard?"
His face lit up into the biggest grin I'd ever seen, before it fell a bit, and he looked down at the mess on the counter.
"Go, Emmett," I smiled. "I'll take care of breakfast. Esme, would you help me?"
She smiled and nodded, snapping one more picture of Emmett before he was led out the back by Lily.
"You don't have to do that, love," Edward whispered behind me. Turning around, I saw his concern written on his face. "You should just rest, I can do it."
Raising my eyebrow at him, I asked, "And do you know how to make pancakes, Edward?"
Running a hand through his hair embarrassedly, he gave me a sheepish smile. "I think I saw that cartoon Emmett was talking about once. I know you're not supposed to use rubber cement."
Rolling my eyes and laughing at him, I pushed him towards the wall where my crutches had been moved out of the music room.
"Give me those and then go sit your ass down. I have no interest in being poisoned or watching you set the kitchen on fire."
He made a face, but grabbed them for me anyway so I could hobble over to the counter to try and save breakfast where Esme was already cleaning up the disaster of Emmett's cooking. Edward began setting the table, winking every time he caught my eye, which of course made me blush. Esme's soft voice reminded me she was even still in the kitchen.
"I meant to tell you earlier, Bella, but I forgot. Thank you."
Shaking my head and smiling at her as I poured some batter on the griddle, I shrugged. "No, Esme. You know I love cooking."
Pausing her sponge on the counter, she looked up at me smiling.
"No, dear. I meant for yesterday. I don't know what we would have done without you here. How you are with Lily…" she trailed off, shaking her head, resuming her scrubbing.
"Esme, helping Lily is not something you ever need to thank me for," I frowned. "I honestly didn't know whether it would work or not."
Sweeping eggshells into her hand, she smiled. "But it did, and for that I'm grateful." She walked over to the sink to start rinsing out the many bowls Emmett had dirtied, leaving me to the pancakes. After a few moments, I felt eyes on me, and I looked up to see Edward staring at me in a daze.
I shook my head slightly at him, silently asking him what was wrong, but he shook himself out of it, giving me his crooked smile and winking again. My face flushed, and I bit my lip, looking back down at the griddle and flipping the pancakes. When I looked up again, he was still staring at me with that smile on his face, and I knew he was just doing it to make me blush.
'Stop,' I mouthed, trying to keep my grin from showing.
He shook his head no, resting his chin on his fist, still staring at me. All of a sudden I heard a squeal from behind me and I whipped around to see Esme absolutely bouncing with excitement. Her eyes were darting between Edward and me, the cheesiest grin spread across her face.
"Ooooh! I have to go call Renee!" she clapped, practically vibrating.
"Carlisle!" she called, running from the kitchen down the hallway towards her bedroom.
"Oh God," I groaned, leaning over and banging my forehead against the counter. Two arms slipped around my waist a moment later, pulling me up gently until I was flush against his chest.
"Hey. Don't hurt that face. I like that face," he murmured into my hair.
"Edward, she's calling my mother. You've met her, right? She's certifiable. Which means she'll be calling me for a report within five minutes of hanging up with your mother."
"Mmm," he hummed. "Well, you're safe for now. I don't hear your phone ringing off the hook yet."
Turning around in his arms, I crinkled my brow. "Where is my phone?"
He started to shake his head, but stopped mid-way, grimacing. "I turned it off yesterday after…" I waved him off to continue, rolling my eyes. "I think it's still on the couch."
"Crap, what if Charlie tried to call?!" I cried, reaching for my crutches to get to the living room.
"No, Bella, let me. I'll grab it and be right back. It's probably still on the couch. If Charlie tried to call you and couldn't reach you, he'd call me, and he didn't, so it's fine," he assured me. "Give me two seconds."
I nodded, turning back to the stovetop to finish the last of the pancakes. Two dozen had to be enough for the six of us. As long as Emmett only ate a dozen. Edward returned quickly, smiling apologetically.
"Don't worry about it, Edward. I didn't even think about it until just now, either. And after Esme finishes calling Renee, I might just wish I had left it forgotten." Smiling until I powered up my phone, I almost growled when I saw that my mailbox was full.
Jacob.
"I'll just be a minute," I spat through clenched teeth, taking my crutches and hobbling into the living room without another word.
"Your mailbox is currently full. Twenty new messages. First message, received yesterday, 10:15 a.m.,
"You motherfucker! Don't fucking hang up on me, Cullen! It'll-"
Delete.
"Second message, received yesterday, 10:16 a.m.,
"What'd you do, turn off the phone? Take it away from her? You must not know Bella very-"
Delete.
"Third message, received yesterday, 10:17 a.m.,
"Bella, baby-"
Delete.
"Fourth message, received yesterday, 10:18 a.m.,
"Bella, please-"
Delete.
"Fifth message, received yesterday, 10:19 a.m.,
"Bella-"
Delete. Sigh. This could take a while.
I went through every single message, ready to just delete the whole mailbox until I got to message nineteen.
"Nineteenth message, received yesterday, 11:13 a.m.,
"Bells, it's Billy. I'm sorry, honey. Jake heard me talkin' to Charlie about the Cullens and tracked you down. Vanessa finally wised up and kicked him out, so he's back at home on the rez. Just wanted to let you know I've confiscated his phone so he won't be botherin' you anymore. I'm thinkin' about investin' in a good shock collar for him. Miss your lasagna, but I miss you more, hun. Give your ol' Uncle Billy a call sometime and let me know how you're doin'."
Save.
"Twentieth message, received yesterday, 11:20 a.m.,
"Hey Bells, it's your dad. I guess your phone's still off. Billy called and told me about Jacob. If he keeps buggin' you, you let me or Edward know, and we'll take care of it. We can make it look like an accident. That's all I'm sayin'. Give me a call so I know you're alright. Love you, Bells."
Save.
Sighing, I sunk into the couch, rubbing my forehead hard, trying to fight the headache I felt coming on.
Well, that explains a lot. Whore dumps him, so he tries to crawl back to me.
Oh my fuck, that just made me so much angrier at his words from yesterday.
A good time with an easy girl? Obviously your thoughts, Jacob, not Edward's.
Picking up a throw pillow, I smothered my face in it and let out a cathartic scream of frustration.
"Is everything okay, Bella?" I heard Edward's worried voice ask from behind me.
"Mm-hmm," I nodded into the pillow.
I heard his footsteps as he came across the room, stopping in front of me. His fingers pried away the pillow and he searched my eyes, confused and concerned.
"Is everything okay?" he repeated urgently.
"Yeah, just annoyed. Sorry."
He narrowed his eyes, glancing down at the phone in my hand.
"The dog?"
Did he just growl? That's kind of…hot.
I nodded, smiling grudgingly. "The dog. But his dad got a leash on him, so we're all good."
He smiled back briefly, sweeping my hair out of my face.
"Did he say anything to upset you?"
Uh-oh. Growling again.
Shaking my head to reassure him, I pulled him closer to me. "I wouldn't know. I erased everything. No more about him. New day, remember?"
Relaxing, he smiled, leaning forward to capture my lips in a short and sweet kiss.
"New day," he whispered.
*
Lily's and Emmett's breakfasts had been cold by the time they finished horsing around in the water outside, but the end result was well worth a couple of micro-waved plates. We could see the light back in Emmett's eyes as Lily hung all over him like a slippery monkey. Lily could hardly eat she was laughing so much, talking about all the fun she had in the water, and it was great to see her so joyful after the horrific day yesterday.
Once they had changed out of their wet clothes and eaten, it was almost lunchtime, my exercises clearly forgotten by Emmett.
Fine by me.
He had to leave to go meet Rose for lunch, so Edward, Lily, and I decided to watch a movie together.
"I know! We can watch The Little Mermaid!" Lily exclaimed, as if this idea could be considered novel, seeing as we watched it every single day.
"Edward," I whispered frantically. "My ears will bleed. I can't do it. Not again. Anything else. Please."
He started to laugh uncontrollably, not even trying to hide it, so I shoved him off the couch.
"Lily! Tickle Daddy!" I shouted, to which she squealed, running across the room and jumping on him.
He let her attack him, laughing and rolling around on the floor with her.
"I know, Lily! We can watch The Little Mermaid II! Bella hasn't seen that one yet!"
She hopped off of him immediately, clapping her hands excitedly and running back to the entertainment center to find her movie. He smirked at me cockily, plopping down beside me on the couch again.
"What? It's not The Little Mermaid. It's the sequel! And don't worry, the fun doesn't end there. They made a third one, too. And we've got them all," he waggled his eyebrows at me obnoxiously, and I could do nothing but throw my head back and groan.
I need to get some good movies over here. Quick.
Rainbow Brite, Never-ending Story, Princess Bride, Goonies…
My only defense against the monstrosity of cheap Disney sequels was to escape through sleep, and I slipped under before the opening song was even over. I hadn't really meant to, but I wasn't very sorry, either. Until Lily started talking from the floor in front of us.
"Bella, you always say funny stuff in your sleeping."
"Oh, yeah?" my voice cracked. I realized my head was resting on Edward's shoulder, and as I pulled myself up I was relieved to see he was asleep as well.
I'm glad there's no drool either.
"Yeah. You were talkin' about mermaids and sharks and stuff. You wanna play dress-up?"
My eyes widened and I pursed my lips in thought. Normally, I'd agree right away, but I really didn't want to look like a clown for Edward's and my date tonight.
"Not really, sweetie," I grimaced. "But what about….Ponies? Or we could dress up some Barbies instead?"
A dark shadow fell upon her face that instantly put me on alert.
"What is it, Lily? What did I say?"
She swallowed thickly, looking like she had a nasty taste in her mouth. "I don't think I like dolls today. I don't wanna play with any more dolls."
"Okaaay," I answered, bewildered. "Is it because you're turning five soon? Because I played with Barbies for a long time past five when I was younger."
Her little lip began to tremble, and I was completely lost at sea.
What is happening right now?
"I had to play with dolls yesterday. And I didn't like it. They had a Lily doll, and a Bella doll, but I wouldn't play with the man doll. I hate the man doll. I hate talking about owies," she cried, tears spilling out of her cheeks, stealing the breath from my body with her words.
Owies?! What owies? Did he hurt her? What the fuck is going on right now?!
"Okay," I rasped. "C'mon. To the window seat."
I pushed myself off of the couch, leaving Edward curled against a pillow snoring behind me. When I realized my crutches were still in the kitchen, I almost sat back down. But then I saw Lily's face waiting for me across the room.
Doesn't matter.
Holding my arm around my ribs, I limped forward slowly and painfully, fully aware Edward was probably going to lose his shit when he saw I had walked without my crutches.
Yeah, well, I might just lose my shit on him after I find out what they made her talk about. She's four!
Lily was waiting for me on the window seat, already lying down on the narrow pallet. I crawled in beside her, covering us completely under a blanket until we were cocooned together, just the two of us.
"Tell me, sweetie," I whispered.
I held her as she explained through her tears what she had to talk about yesterday. My own tears fell with her, my body shaking as I heard her describe the doll-marking process.
She saw. She saw everything.
"I'm sorry I was bad to see," Lily whimpered.
"No, no, no. Shh. Never bad. Just my Little Thing," I crooned, rocking her against my chest. My control was slipping quickly, and I tried to muffle my cries into her hair as I held her close.
"Please come next time. I heard that doctor say I have to go back. They want me to talk about while you were sleeping. Please come. I get too scared if you're not there," she begged, her fingers clutching me desperately.
"I'll be there," I promised. "I'll hold you the whole time. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry. I love you so much, Lily. I love you."
"I love you, too, Bella," she choked out, still shaking with broken sobs.
"Are you tired, Lily? Do you want to sleep here?" I asked, trying to wipe my face so I didn't drip tears all over her.
"Yeah," she mumbled, nuzzling into me.
I started singing without preamble, needing to hear it as much as I imagined she did. She was asleep before the first chorus, but I kept singing softly into her ear, trying to soothe her subconscious to keep the nightmares away. I wasn't tired at all after sleeping through the whole movie, but even if I was, my mind couldn't stop running.
Suddenly, the blanket was thrown back by a grinning Edward.
"Aha! Found you two! Were you guys playing hide-and-seek without…Bella? What's wrong?"
I burst into tears, huge, crushing sobs that pulled at my ribs, and he pulled me off the window seat as if I weighed nothing, carrying me back to the couch.
"Shh, Beautiful. Talk to me. You're scaring me, Bella. Tell me what's wrong, please," he begged, smoothing his hands over my hair as I sat across his lap.
"Lily…Barbies…dolls…owies…" I sobbed and choked, and as the understanding washed over him he crushed me to his chest.
"Oh, love. I'm so sorry," he sighed into my hair, holding me close and letting me have my cry.
"She…she…she saw," I cried, holding him to me as tight as possible, trying to climb inside of him to soothe the ache I felt.
"I know. I know," he whispered, holding me to him just as tightly as I grasped him. "Please don't blame yourself. She's too curious for her own good. She will heal, love.
"God," his voice cracked. "I can't handle seeing you in this much pain. Please, tell me how to make it better."
"Don't…don't make her go back," I croaked, knowing even as I said it, there was no way he could grant such a request. But I was angry with him. Angry he let them ask her those things. And angry with myself for not being there.
"Bella," he whimpered, squeezing me even tighter. "I have to. I don't have any choice. They have to know if…if anything happened while you were out of it. If there was…anyone else there."
More tears fell from my eyes out of guilt for hurting him and making this harder on him, when I knew he would never be doing it if he had the option not to.
"Next time…next time I'm going. I don't care what you say. I already promised her. She asked me. I have to go," I told him, my voice trembling.
He pulled me back, glaring at me. "How could you do that? You shouldn't have promised her something like that without talking to me fir-"
"Because I knew you'd say no!" I snapped. "She asked me. She said she was too scared to do it again without me."
"But she had…I was there," he protested softly, the hurt tone in his voice increasing the pain in my chest.
"Edward…"
"Do you know how much it kills me to not be able to comfort her when she's like that? Me being there, it didn't make a lick of difference. And what's worse than not knowing what's wrong, is not even being able to try. I was frozen yesterday, watching her go crazy in the kitchen. I felt completely useless," he finished, shaking his head at himself.
My eyes burned with more tears as I heard him doubt himself as a father.
Completely unacceptable. I must fix this.
"Edward," I sighed, nudging his chin my direction. "I took a complete shot in the dark yesterday. It could have just as easily gone the other way, but…But you have to understand that what she and I went through put me in situations where I had to calm her after really awful things.
"I've told you before, your love for her is what she focused on when we were there. All she wanted was to get home to her daddy. I…I'm sorry I decided for you about coming to the next statement. I promised you once I wouldn't make decisions without discussing it with you first, and I broke that. But if she needs me there, then I have to go. Please don't be angry with me over this.
"She still needs you, too. I'm no replacement for you. I think she needs us both."
He rested his head against my shoulder, but I could feel his body still tensed. "I knew there would be times like this. In the hospital, when we were waiting for you to wake up, I begged you to come back to us. I knew I would need your help. This part of her that experienced all that torture, you're the only one that can truly relate to it.
"I just wasn't expecting to feel like such a failure at not being able to compensate for when you couldn't be there. I didn't want you at that statement because I didn't want to set you back. I was afraid of you hearing something that would upset you, that would just make it that much harder on you. I thought I could be enough," his voice broke.
Breathing in deeply to try and keep myself from breaking down again, I pulled his face up from my shoulder and cradled it in my hands.
"You're not a failure," I whimpered, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "Back when life was normal, you weren't a failure when you needed help from your family watching her while you worked, and you're not one now if you need me. You're more than enough. You have no idea the strength you give us just by being there.
"But she's more important. If she needs me there, regardless of what it might do to me, then I need to be."
He shook his face out of my hands, a pained expression on his face. "But that's just it! I want to protect you both! She…she's my life, Bella, but I love you, too. I can't stand to see either one of you hurting. I've never been with someone since she's was born, and I don't know how to balance it."
I swallowed thickly, a sense of dread creeping up my spine. "I…I don't want to cause you stress or pain, Edward. She comes first, always. To both of us. Are you…are you saying you don't want to be with me, then?"
Faster than light, he slid me off of his lap and onto the couch, laying me back against the throw pillows. He laid beside me, stroking my face and my hair, a more relaxed look on his face now.
"No, you silly woman," he smiled sadly. "I'm voicing my frustrations out loud, and I lose my filter when I get upset. You are stuck with me. The only way you'll get rid of me is to order me away, and even then I can't make any promises. Siobhan mentioned us coming in, just you and me, if we decided to try this for-"
"Foundation training?" I finished for him, smiling up at him as I felt my body able to breathe again.
He nodded, smiling back, a bit stronger this time. "We'll figure this out, love. Never ever question whether I want this with you. I want everything with you.
"My Beautiful Bella," he whispered, right before leaning down and capturing my lips in a kiss. It was soft and slow, building in intensity until I was lost in him. Before I was ready for him to, he pulled back, smiling ruefully.
"I just remembered we're not technically alone in here. Knowing my daughter is sleeping ten feet away makes me feel a little dirty for all the things running through my mind right now."
I giggled, feeling my face heat at forgetting the small child sleeping in the corner. He ran his finger along my cheekbone, smiling gently down at me.
"That laugh is all I want to hear for the rest of the day. We'll talk more tonight."
"Our date?" I asked, biting my lip to keep my stupid grin from breaking out. "What are we doing?"
He grinned at me like a little boy. "It's a surprise."
I tried to pout it out of him. "Please? I hate surprises."
"You won't hate this one," he promised cockily. If he didn't look so proud of himself, I would probably have said something snarky back at him. But I could see the faintest hint of doubt in his eyes, and I remembered how lost in his thoughts he had seemed last night when we had decided to have our first date. He had undoubtedly been worrying over what to do all day, wanting it to be perfect.
Silly boy. All I need is him.
"Maybe you're right," I conceded softly, lifting my head up towards his for one more kiss.
*
After a sufficient lecture from Edward on not walking without my crutches, no matter the reason, he helped me upstairs so I could work on my book for a while and give him some time to 'prepare.'
Hmph. Wouldn't even give me a hint.
I answered an email from Angela, glad to find out she would be back with Ben in another week. Ignoring the two new voicemails from Renee, I turned my phone to silent so I could get some typing done in peace.
Now that I wasn't completely consumed with thoughts of Edward, the next chapter flowed easily from my fingertips. And I only mistakenly replaced Stephen's name with Edward's three times.
Definite improvement.
It wasn't until my hands started getting shaky on my keyboard that I realized I had missed lunch completely, and it was nearing time for dinner. My eyes drifted over to the mini-fridge across the room, but upon sitting up, I realized I was too light-headed to make the trip. Reaching for my phone, I texted Edward to come get me, inwardly cringing at what his reaction would be when he realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast. He could be as bad as Emmett regarding the 'Make Bella Gain Weight Plan.'
As soon as he came in, his smile faltered.
"You look pale, Bella. What's wrong?"
I tried to crack a joke to calm the storm that would be coming.
"I'm always pale, Edward. Can you help me downstairs so I can help Esme with dinner?"
He came forward immediately, shaking his head.
"She's already got dinner sta-…Bella, what have you eaten today?" he asked angrily.
I flinched reflexively and his eyes softened instantly as he sat down beside me on the bed.
"I'm sorry, love," he apologized, but his voice was still firm. "Please tell me you've had more than just pancakes today."
I wrinkled my nose, grimacing. "Okaaay. I've had more than-"
He sighed exasperatedly. "Tell me truthfully you've eaten more than just pancakes today."
I bit my lip, frowning. "I'm sorry. I forgot."
His jaw clenched and he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his forefingers.
"I can't believe I let you-"
Aaaand there's where I stop listening. Let me?
"Alright, that's enough," I snapped. "I forgot. I am a big girl. I'm not your child or your pet. I lost my appetite when I was dealing with Lily earlier and then I got carried away writing. I'm amazingly human that way. It happens."
He blinked at me in shock for a moment, but I couldn't regret snapping on him. Whether my sudden wave of bitchiness was an effect of that stupid craving blocker I was on, the lack of food, or a combination of the two, he needed to understand. I had been completely serious when I said last night that if we were going to do this we needed to be equals.
"I…you're right. I'm sorry."
Huh?
Okay, I wasn't expecting that.
A slow smile crept across his face. "Talking out loud, love."
I winced, closing my eyes hoping it would make me or him disappear. "I really need to eat. And I'm sorry for going all crazy on you. I meant what I said, but I didn't have to be such a bitch about it."
I felt his palm against my cheek, and I opened my eyes to see him gazing at me lovingly.
"Don't call yourself names, love. You are right. I'm used to always being in control, or trying to be, at least. And I know I don't control you, nor do I want to. I love your independence, and even your stubbornness, usually. But I care about you deeply, and I'm entitled to my own feelings as well. When I see you not caring for yourself properly, I'm going to be worried. And maybe even a little bit annoyed," he smirked.
I rubbed my hand over my eyes, feeling more than a little bit sheepish for my behavior, but mostly just really, really hungry.
"You're right, too," I sighed. "This is so not the day I saw us having when we went to sleep last night."
His expression clouded, and his smile looked forced. "Do you want to cancel our plans? If you're tired…"
"No! No…I just hate tension. And confrontation. And arguing. And crying. I'm so sick of crying. But I want us to have our date. We need to talk about us. There's so much that goes with this," I motioned between him and myself, "and I'd like for us to have at least started to talk about it before we go into Siobhan's and get mindfucked."
He burst out laughing, pulling me to his body for a hug.
"What?" I asked, muffled into his chest.
"Nothing," his chest shook with laughter. "I've just never heard anyone besides me say mindfucked before. I always fuck with Jasper about it, but to hear your sweet little mouth say it…"
"Edward?" I murmured into his shirt.
"Yes, love."
"Please feed me."
He scooped me up immediately, cradling me tightly to his chest and kissing the top of my head.
"Yes, love."
*
Dinner was refreshingly quiet, with only Edward, Lily, Carlisle, Esme, and me. I loved every single member of that family, but sometimes it was overwhelming to be surrounded by so many people after spending so many years mostly alone.
After a good nap, Lily was feeling much better. And she had something up her sleeve. She, Esme, and Edward were huddled up at one end of the table whispering together, while Carlisle tried to engage me in conversation.
"So how did you get appointed distracter for the evening, Carlisle?" I appraised him coolly, shifting my eyes down the table towards the conspiring threesome.
He grinned that damned crooked smile that had passed on to Edward and Lily, producing the same effect as always.
See smile. Melt. Every damn time.
"I just wanted the chance to catch up with you, Bella. You know, how's therapy, how's the book coming along, that sort of thing. Everyone else has gotten their turn with you, I'd just like to get to know you a little better."
Rolling my eyes, I humored him. "Well, therapy's fine, I guess, considering I've only gone the one time. But I really like her. The book's a work in progress, but I actually got an entire chapter finished this afternoon. My favorite color is blue, I'm a Virgo, and I've read Pride and Prejudice forty-two times."
He raised an eyebrow at me, chuckling. "Forty-two times, eh? Can you recite it from memory yet?"
"I'm working on it," I smirked. "Hey! You three down there. What are you up to?"
"Nothing," they answered in unison, much too innocently.
I narrowed my eyes in on Lily, but she shook her head violently back and forth, grinning from ear-to-ear.
"I can't tell, Bella! It's a surp-"
"Lily! Shh, honey. Bella, behave. You'll find out eventually," Edward scolded playfully.
"Fine," I pouted, crossing my arms, but blinking at Lily so she knew I was kidding.
She blinked back, then jumped out of her chair, dragging Esme down the hallway with her.
"See you tomorrow, Bella!" she called as she slammed Esme's door shut.
I turned bewildered to Edward, but he was smiling shyly at me. Carlisle excused himself quietly, but I barely noticed, my eyes solely on Edward.
"My parents are keeping her occupied for the next few hours and then letting her sleep with them in their room for a 'Nana and Papaw Night,"' he explained.
"Date time?" I asked excitedly.
He nodded bashfully, before furrowing his brow for a second.
"Could you…I just need like five minutes. Would you mind waiting for me in the living room? Are you comfortable in what you're wearing?"
I felt my eyebrows lift as I looked down at my dress.
"Yeah," I answered hesitantly. "What are we doing?"
He shook his head, walking over to help me up.
"Just give me five minutes. Okay?"
"Okay," I laughed, hobbling into the living room to wait for him.
*
Fifteen minutes later, a knock at the door made me jump. Shutting my book quickly, I turned around to see Edward shuffling adorably in the doorway, holding a single white lily.
"Hello, Bella. You look beautiful this evening. I'm here to pick you up for our date?"
I bit my cheeks to keep from smiling like a fool as I pushed off the sofa to face him.
"Thank you, Edward," I answered quietly. "I'm ready."
He smiled brightly at me, walking forward quickly to hand me my flower. Not even giving me time to enjoy it, he swept me up into his arms, carrying me forward with purpose towards the stairs.
"I hope you don't think you can get me into your bed on the first date, Mr. Cullen," I joked.
"What kind of gentleman do you think my mother raised, Ms. Swan?" he snarked back.
Up the stairs he climbed, carrying us through his room to the balcony door. I had never realized the terrace outside my room could also be accessed through his, having never ventured out there. He slid me down gently, wrapping his hands around my waist to keep me steady.
"If...if this isn't what you want, just say the word, and we'll do something else, anything you want."
Entwining my fingers with his on my hips, I squeezed to reassure him.
"I just want you, Edward."
He lifted a slightly trembling hand to cover my eyes as his other reached for the door to open it, before sliding his arm back down around my waist to lift me effortlessly onto the balcony.
"Ta-daa," he chuckled nervously, pulling his hand down from my eyes so I could see.
Oh my God.
It was unbelievable. He had strung strands of tiny white lights around the banisters of the balcony, illuminating the area in a soft glow. Small vases holding blossoms of stargazer lilies were set around the edge, filling the air with their sweet scent. Several plush pillows were laid out for us beside a thick blanket to guard us from the chilly night. Soft piano music played in the background as he carried me forward to sit upon the cushioned floor.
I felt his eyes on me as I continued to stare around, so I turned to face him, touched by the uncertainty I saw there.
"Edward…this is beautiful."
"You're sure?" he asked uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck.
"This is…perfect," I promised.
He reached out to hold my face, bringing it forward to his as he brushed my lips lightly, but I wanted to show him how much this meant to me. No one had ever gone to this kind of trouble for me before, or put so much thought into something like this. Gripping his arms tightly, I threw as much of my body as I could into the kiss, thanking him without words.
I felt a groan reverberate in his chest before he pulled back, too soon for my taste. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, stroking his fingers lightly through my hair.
"Be careful kissing me like that, Beautiful. You severely overestimate my control," he breathed before kissing my forehead.
"I wasn't complaining," I panted, breathing him in.
"Bella," he chuckled, pulling me back away from his body to look me in the eye. I gasped at the intensity he stared at me with, how the black of his pupils were dilated so much there was only a hint of green in his eyes.
"I may be a gentleman, but I'm still a man. If we want to get any kind of talking done, we have to stop now."
"Fine," I pouted. "I'll be good."
Grinning, he gave me one more kiss before grabbing a blanket for me. As he lifted it to wrap around my shoulders, I noticed the basket that had been hidden underneath.
"What's that?" I asked.
"That is dessert. An aura-reading little birdie told me that chocolate madeleines were your favorite, and normally I'd have a bottle of wine or something, but since that's not an option with your medication, I've got coffee instead."
I arched my eyebrow, deciding to mess with him a bit. "'Normally' you'd have a bottle of wine? I'm interested to know, Edward. What's the normal agenda for an 'Edward Cullen first date?'"
"What? No!" he sputtered, before seeing the evil smile on my face. He gave me a wry grin, shaking his head. "I'll have you know that there is no normal agenda for a date with me. I very proudly have no game whatsoever."
"I find that hard to believe," I argued.
"It's true," he nodded seriously, a faux innocent look painted on his face. "I completely stole this whole idea."
"I'll try not to be disappointed," I teased. "How did you come up with it then?"
He cleared his throat and darted his eyes away, piquing my curiosity.
"Edward? What?"
"I kind of stole it…from you," he spoke so quietly I could barely make out his words, but they left me completely confused.
"What are you talking about?" I laughed nervously. "I've never…" I trailed off, looking around the balcony again with new eyes. A scene, much like the one before me, popped into my mind.
Stephen spent hours lighting the candles just so, so they might accentuate the rosiness of Cynthia's cheeks. The white and pink lilies he placed about the terrace could not compare with her sweet scent, they would only enhance her natural fragrance, but if nothing else, they were her favorite.
His faithful butler Russell was in his place at the piano, filling the air with soothing melodies, setting the atmosphere to give Stephen his chance to finally reveal his true feelings for her. All was ready for her. A shawl, for he could not let his love catch cold. Her favorite sweets and wine were laid out for her, waiting.
I gasped as the realization hit me that he had recreated the first love scene between the two main characters of my books. His thumb swept across my cheek, erasing the tear that had fallen.
"I hoped it might be something you'd like if you took the time to write it," he whispered. "I know it's not quite the same, but I didn't want to deal with candles going out every time the wind blew, and like I said, about the wine…"
I did the only thing I could think of.
I attacked.
I fisted my hands in his shirt, pulling him to me, our lips meeting in a frenzy of tongue and teeth as his arms automatically wrapped around me for support. Sliding my hands up to his hair, I gave an experimental tug to see if I could elicit the same reaction I had received the last time I pulled.
I got it.
In the way he tightened his hold around me, never hurting me, but held me so close to his chest I could hardly breathe. Every part of my body felt like a live wire, and when my breasts rubbed against his chest, I let out an embarrassingly loud moan that I didn't even have room in my head to worry about.
He laid me back against the cushions, delicately and reverently, lying next to me but keeping me close with his arms pressed against my back. His kisses trailed along my jaw, down my neck, and when he sucked and bit against the hollow behind my ear, I actually almost came.
"Oh my God," I whimpered as he lavished my neck and collarbone with kisses unrelentingly. One of his hands slid down my waist, tickling me slightly, causing me to buck into him, where I felt the evidence of his own arousal.
He froze, his face buried in my neck, his grip on my waist firm and restrained.
"Fucking Christ, Bella," he hissed into my skin, his breathing labored as he struggled to regain his control.
I rested my forehead against his shoulder, trying to calm myself as well. He was still pressed so closely to me; I could feel how hard he was.
"Sorry," I lied breathlessly. "I'll be good now, I promise."
He laughed weakly against my neck, his breath tickling me and making me shiver and rub against him. He stopped my movement immediately, groaning. I let the responsible part of my brain take over, keeping my body stock-still, giving us both time to recover. We needed to talk, not dry-hump like teenagers.
"I think," he panted, "that I need a minute before I get the coffee."
I giggled, pulling away from him at last to lean my head back against the pillows.
"That's okay. I'm plenty awake now," I smiled cheekily.
He grew serious as he swept my hair out of my face.
"I want this to work," he murmured.
My smile fell slowly, and I nodded.
"Me, too," I whispered.
"So let's figure out how to do that," he smiled, reaching down and entwining his fingers with mine, bringing them up to rest between us.
And we talked. About everything. We agreed to go see Siobhan together to work on our relationship now and how it would work once we moved back to our lives. He admitted he felt guilty for wanting to go back to work because of the long hours he would have to put in to finish his last year of residency, but that he missed medicine. I admitted to missing my solitude, but that I didn't know how to be away from Lily.
"Do you have a writing schedule? Or do you just do it as it comes to you?" he asked suddenly.
"Just whenever the mood strikes me, I guess. I have days where I don't even open my laptop, and benders where I only stop to sleep and eat. Why?"
He chewed on his lip, frowning. "I was just wondering…This is just an idea, and if you don't want to, or you want to run it by Siobhan first, that's fine. But once you're healed up, and you've got the walking cast on…If you ever wanted her to spend the day with you while I'm at work, you could just call and let me or my mom know."
"Are you serious?" I squealed. "Can we do it every week? Can I do more than one day a week? Can she come to my apartment?"
"Calm down, love," he laughed. "You've got to get healed first, but it was just an idea to help her adjust to not living with you anymore. I'm a little worried how she's going to take it when you move back to your place.
"I'm not really looking forward to it, either," he added quietly.
"But you'll get to have Lily back home with you," I soothed. "I'm sure you miss having Daddy and Lily time with just the two of you."
"I do," he admitted.
He talked to me about his problems with panic over letting her out of the house without him and told me more about his first appointment with Siobhan. He wiped my tears as he gave me full disclosure on Lily's statement. I filled him in on my hospital visit yesterday; assuring him it was only a light bruise that I twisted the wrong way.
He ran his fingertips like a feather across my ribs in silent apology.
"I don't know how I'm going to go from seeing you every minute of the day to a few hours a week," he said sadly.
"Hospital life that bad?" I asked.
He rolled onto his back, holding my hand on top of his chest as he gazed at the starry sky above us.
"Not bad, per se, just busy. I only get one day off a week, on Sundays, and I usually spend those over here with my family. We have a family dinner every Sunday night. I'd love for you to come for those, if you'd like."
"I'd love that," I smiled, and he turned his face towards mine to smile in return.
"It's going to be hard working in the therapy sessions around my shifts," he sighed.
"What are your hours like?"
"Seven to seven, usually. Some days I have to stay up there until as late as ten, others I can duck out a little early if I get through my paperwork. Those were the nights Lily and I would pick up food on the way home and cook dinner together." He swallowed thickly, turning his face back up toward the sky.
"Maybe…maybe we could have dinner together on the days that I keep her," I suggested, trying to bring him out of his memories.
"That'd be great," he smiled weakly. "I'm worried about not being able to see you enough, too. I never felt that I saw Lily enough as it was, and I know I'm going to want to spend time with you, without her around, and that just makes me feel like a complete asshole."
"Hey," I protested softly, turning his face towards me. "Not an asshole, just an adult. I'm not high maintenance, Edward. I've spent the last two years only seeing my parents, Jake's dad, and Angela. I'll be grateful for any amount of time I'll get to spend with you. I'll miss seeing you, too, but we can make it work. The last thing I want you to do is spread yourself out too thin. It's not forever. This is your last year, right?"
He nodded, so I continued.
"So we just have to make it through a few more months, and then you'll have a more livable schedule. We could…" I searched my brain for ideas. "I could come over after Lily goes to sleep some night if you're not too tired. Or I could come have lunch with you at the hospital once a week or something."
"You sure you won't get tired of having to do all the work? What about if you need me and I can't be there? What if you meet somebody else? Are we exclusive? Do you want to-"
"Edward!"
"Yes, Bella."
"Please shut up."
He chuckled, pulling me closer to him with my head resting on his shoulder.
"Yes, Bella," he whispered.
"If I start to feel worn down, I'll talk to you about it. If I need something and you can't be there, I'll take care of it myself. Or call Emmett, or Jasper, or Carlisle, or Charlie, or Esme, or Rosalie, or Alice. I already told you, but if you need to hear it again, then fine.
"For me, there is no one else. Which sort of rules out any notion of me seeing anyone else. Did…did you wa-"
"No!" he exclaimed quickly. "I…Bella, you're everything I could ever want in a woman. I love you, and only you, of course I don't want to see anyone else. That was a dumb question, I guess. I just don't want to fuck this up."
"Don't doubt yourself so much, Edward. I think we're both just stubborn enough to make this work no matter what comes our way. We didn't exactly have the most conventional start. There is no rulebook for us. We'll figure it out as we go."
He hugged me tighter to him, brushing his lips across my forehead.
"How'd you get to be so smart?"
"Meh," I shrugged. "Just born a genius, I suppose."
His quiet laughter shook his body against me and I snuggled into him, relaxing.
"We forgot about the coffee," he murmured after a few moments.
"I don't care about the coffee," I sighed lazily. "Can we just stay like this for a while?"
"Anything you want, love."
We lay for hours, comfortable silences broken intermittently with light topics, small talk, and stolen kisses. I wasn't sure when I drifted off, but at some point I felt myself being settled into softness. A familiar lullaby played in the background as velvet lips brushed against my cheek. The last thing I remembered was Edward's voice, though I wasn't sure it was real or dream.
"Sleep, my Beautiful Bella."
*
A/N: I'm having some computer problems today, so it may take me a little longer to send out teasers for your reviews, but I will get them out to you. Love to hear what you think!