Chapter 25: Jealousy
The next couple of weeks James Potter devoted his life to guarding Lily. At least that was what the girl thought. He seemed to be everywhere she went, making sure she had what she needed at exactly the right time. Lily got the feeling he neglected his own friends to make sure she was well. One or two times she even thought Black frowned at her.
Some months earlier she wouldn´t have tolerated Potter's permanent presence but at her present state she had no objections. He was unobtrusive, tried to start conversations from time to time, but never insisted that she answered. He even took her moods with a smile.
He sat beside her in all classes and had she let him he´d have carried her bag all day. The only subject he had to stay away from Lily was potions where she still was teamed with Severus.
-x-
"I really don´t know why you do this for me," said Lily. "I´m awful to you." James had spent hours at the library to get books for Lily´s Runes essay. When he had returned, she had complained that he had forgotten one of the books on her list in a rather offensive way. James had put his own homework aside and returned to the library to get the forgotten book without complaint.
"Maybe I like you a bit," James smiled and handed Lily the book. "Is it OK if I write my own homework now?"
"Of course, do you need help?" Lily offered.
"No, thanks, you can´t help me with Divination anyway."
They sat by the fire in the Gryffindor common room and worked on their assignments in silence. After a while James´s friends joined them and the four boys discussed their homework in low voices.
Lily wasn´t sure whether it was due to the fact that the boys worked as a team or because Divination was easier than Runes but the four finished their essays a lot quicker than she would hers. Potter stayed behind whereas the others went up to their dormitory.
"There´s really no need you stay up, James," Lily said. "Go to bed."
"I don´t want you to sit here alone."
Lily had a look around. The common room was deserted except for the two of them. "That´s kind of you but unnecessary."
"If I go you´ll get lost in your thoughts and you´ll still be here in the morning without having finished your homework. I watched you. You always get lost in your thoughts."
"I have lots to think about."
"Want to share it? Perhaps an different point of view is helpful."
Lily shook her head. "There are things you don´t know. I´d rather leave it at that."
"I can keep a secret," James suggested. "You can´t handle everything on your own. You need at least someone to talk to. I know I´m not your first choice but other than your first choice I´m here."
Lily stared at James. "What are you talking about?" Did he know about Severus? Had Black finally broken his word? If he knew why had he been so protective? Shouldn´t he be jealous and angry? Hurt?
"Myra. Normally you´d discuss things with your best friend. But she´s not here."
Lily gave a sigh of relief. He didn´t know.
"So what´s bothering you?" James went on. "Is it still your parents? Don´t misunderstand me, but it´s been more than a month, you should feel better by now. At least a bit."
"You don´t know everything about my parents. I feel so guilty."
"Guilty?"
Lily hesitated. Voicing her sorrows might be helpful and relieving. But trusting James Potter with crucial information was risky. "You won´t talk about this to anyone, not even your friends?"
"I promise," James said solemnly.
Lily stared into the fire for a while. Where to begin? How much could she tell?
"I wasn´t at home when they died. I visited Myra in France. I was having fun while they died."
"You can´t stop having fun because somebody might die couldn´t know."
"I had lied to them. I made them believe we were staying with Myra´s aunt. But we weren´t."
"So you spent your holidays with Myra without her aunt. What´s the problem? I don´t understand."
"We were four."
"Four? You and Myra and who else?" James looked anxious.
"Pierre."
"The French boy who came to see Myra on Hogsmeade weekends?"
Lily nodded.
"So Myra had her boyfriend with her. And you?" James seemed close to panic.
"You swear you won´t tell."
"I swear."
"Severus."
"Him!" James jumped to his feet.
"Ssssh!" Lily grabbed the boys sleeve. "Sit down and stop shouting! He´s my brother."
"Your brother? You think I´m stupid? He can´t be your brother."
"Foster-brother." Lily admitted. "He´s been living with my family for more than four years."
James frowned.
"You promissed not to tell. He´d be in trouble if any Slytherin found out he was fostered by muggles." Lily reminded him.
"I will not tell," James renewed his promise. "So that´s why you never gave up your friendship. Why you never believed he was dangerous. I was so jealous of him." He grinned. "He´s your brother. Wow!"
Lily nodded. Having seen the look on James´s face when he assumed for one moment that Severus was more than a friend for her, she knew he mustn´t know more.
"I still don´t understand why you feel guilty. Myra´s aunt wasn´t there but you had your brother as a chaperone with you."
"That´s not the point. The last thing I told my parents was a lie." Tears were wetting Lily´s cheeks.
James offered a handkerchief. He seemed to have always one with him in case Lily needed it.
"I´ll finish this essay tomorrow," said Lily and collected her books. "Thank you for listening, James."
James Potter stayed in the common room until the fire went out. He had a lot to think about.
-x-
Lily regreted having told James about Severus the next morning. He had been there when she needed someone to talk to. He probably was going to keep his word to keep the secret, after having spent some time with him Lily was ready to admit that James Potter was a decent chap. Nevertheless she should have held her tongue. Severus was not James´s business. Moreover Lily was not sure how James would react to finding out that Severus was actually a rival. James had a crush, but Severus had the girl. This could be dangerous.
"You did what?" cried Severus. Never before had Lily been so relieved that they had cast a muffliato. "Are you crazy?"
"Stop shouting at me, please. And try to look casual. What good is a muffliato if your body language gives us away." Lily crushed garlic for the potion they were brewing. Another assignment for the hospital wing. The rest of the class were working on things like Felix Felicis or liquid Enthusiasm. One Ravenclaw student was even trying to brew Wisdom.
Severus went to the cupboard and returned with a tray full of ingredients. He sat down beside Lily. "You did what?" he repeated in a lower voice.
"I told him you are my brother."
"Great. What else did you inform him about? Our hiking tours? Our kissing? Our sleeping in the same bed? Where did you stop?"
Lily´s eyes swam with tears. "Stop that! You don´t know what it feels to be all on your own with noone to talk to."
"Yes, I have no idea. I´m the halfblood in Slytherin. How could I understand what it´s like to be isolated." Severus sounded bitter.
Lily added the garlic to the cauldron. She wiped a tear from her face with her sleeve.
"Stop crying, girl, you´ll spoil the potion!" Severus caught a tear with his hand just before it touched the potion´s surface.
"I have been an idiot," Lily sobbed. "Can you forgive me?"
"Of course I forgive you. If we weren´t in plain view of a crowded classroom I´d kiss you to prove it." Severus smiled. "And you were no idiot. You´re vulnerable and Potter took advantage. Please stop crying now. Slughorn will think I´m mistreating you."
Lily smiled. "We´ll tell him it´s the garlic."
"He won´t believe a word!" Severus pointed out. With a conspiring smile he wiped Lily´s tear from his hand with his robes. "I have something of you with me now. It´s a bit like being with you."
"I can´t persuade you to cry a little so that I can take a tear with me, too?" Lily asked.
"Slytherins don´t cry. It´s not compatible with our image. Sorry, love."
Lily giggled. They finished their potion in time. Slughorn praised their work. Severus knew that James knew and had forgiven her. Lily felt like she´d had some of the joy-potion Remus had been brewing.
-x-
The first Hogsmeade weekend of the year was scheduled for the last Saturday before Halloween. The older students were not surprised by the note on the board. The day was traditional. Lily and Severus had even appointed where and when to meet before the note was up.
Lily was doing her charms homework at the common room on Friday evening. James sat on the other side of the room with his friends. This had become rather unusual. Lily looked out for him without thinking. James seemed to be in trouble for the other three boys were talking to him urgently and Black was even pushing him. Lily thought whether she should go and ask if he needed help but then she saw the grin on James´s face. The boys were only teasing.
"Uhm, Lily?" It was James. Lily looked up from her book. "The boys just pointed out to me... Please don´t think I´m obtrusive...I just thought since we are on speaking terms now..."
"Come on, Prongs!" hissed Black from where he and the rest of the gang sat.
"Well, would you go to Hogsmeade with me?" James looked at Lily expectantly.
Lily gazed over to his friends. "Sit down," she said in a low voice. James took the chair beside hers. "No offence, James, but I can´t. I´m meeting Severus. I haven´t spoken to him more than three sentences since August."
James looked hurt, but only for a moment. "I forgot. You have to speak to him. Sorry I asked."
"It has nothing to do with you, you know that."
James nodded.
"What did she say?" Black stood beside James´s chair. "Where will you be going?" He looked from one face to the other. "Don´t tell me you turned his invitation down again, Evans."
"Leave it, Padfoot, it´s OK."
"It´s not! You´re making a fool of yourself for two months and she´ll not even have coffee with you. How cruel can you be, Evans?"
"I said leave it."
"Your judgement may be beclouded, but mine is not!" Black was angry. "She´s playing games with you! She´s making a fool of you! And you say ´Thank you´!"
"Don´t speak to Lily like that!" James got up to face his friend.
"Look at you!" shouted Black. Younger students were starting to watch with interest. "She´s trampling upon you and you defend her!"
"One more word and I´ll hit you!"
"Stop that!" Lily stepped between the two boys. "James, I don´t want you to altercate with your friends." She glared at Black. "Calm down!" She looked around. The whole room was watching. "James, would you like to meet me at the Three Broomsticks at four tomorrow?"
"Gladly!"
Black grinned. "Congrats, pal!" He patted James´s back. Remus and Pettigrew smiled.
"I really have to do this homework now or I´ll have to stay here tomorrow." Lily pointed out.
"Sorry," said James. "I didn´t mean to distract you from your work."
The boys went back to their own seats and the younger students resumed their homework and conversations.
Lily bit her lip. Severus wasn´t going to like that at all.
-x-
Lily didn´t expect James to follow her under his invisibility cloak nor to give it to Black. Nevertheless she used her anti invisibility charm when she entered the clearing. Severus was already waiting. He greeted her with a tight hug and a kiss.
"I´m also pleased to see you," laughed Lily. "Come, let´s sit down by that tree."
They went over to the oak hand in hand. Severus transfigured the moss into a soft cover and sat down. Lily sat beside him and rested her head against him.
"I haven´t felt this good in weeks," she purred.
"Nor have I," Severus smiled. "How are you doing at Gryffindor tower? Is Potter still after you?"
"I really don´t want to talk about Potter now. I´d rather be kissed."
Severus obliged.
They sat under their tree and enjoyed each other´s company. Lily told about Myra´s occasional letters saying she was doing well and meeting Pierre on weekends. Severus was glad Lily was feeling better.
"You know," said Lily, "I was feeling really bad because we´d lied to them. We spent our holiday without a chaperone against their wish. We made them think we were obeying, but we weren´t."
"I was feeling bad about that, too," admitted Severus. "They admitted me into their family. They trusted me and I lied to them."
"It´s comforting we didn´t do anything we wouldn´t have done with a chaperone."
Severus agreed. "So we obeyed after all."
They sat for a while in silence. Finally Lily stretched and kissed Severus. "I have to go, love. Thanks for this wonderful afternoon!"
"That early? We don´t have to be back at the castle before six o´clock!"
"We can´t go back together!" Lily helped her boyfriend up. "We never could!"
"I know! But there´s no need to go that early. You met Myra the last years but she´s not here."
"I know you won´t like that. I have to meet James. Potter."
Severus pulled away his hand from Lily´s. He looked hurt. "He´s James now, is he?"
"Let me explain!"
"What is there to explain?" Severus voice was cool all of a sudden. "My girlfriend leaves our first meeting in two months early to date another guy. James."
"I´m not dating him!"
"What do you call it when a boy and a girl meet at an appointed place at an appointed time?"
"I had no choice! Please let me explain!"
"Will you be kissing him?" Severus sounded bitter now.
"Will I...?" Lily struggled for words. Then she exploded. "How dare you! What are you suggesting? Am I that kind of girl? Leaving your arms to run to his? You are a toad! This is the worst thing anyone ever said to me!" She turned on the spot and stomped off to Hogsmeade.
"Lily!" she heard Severus call after her. "I didn´t mean to offend you. I´m sorry!"
Sorry! How could he! Never before in her life Lily had felt that furious and hurt at the same time.
-x-
Lily´s anger evaporated before she even reached the village. She had known that Severus wouldn´t like her meeting James. He was hurt and jealous. A part of her liked the idea that he was jealous. Should she go back? She´d be late for James if she did. The whole house knew that he had been asking her out for years and that she had finally agreed to meet him. Not to go out with him. To meet him. If she didn´t turn up he´d be a fool. She couldn´t do that to him, he had been a good friend the last two months.
Lily sighed. She´d signal Severus at supper. If he saw the ´I love you´-sign he´d understand that she had forgiven him.
She headed to the Three Broomsticks to meet James Potter.
-x-
James was already waiting at a small table near the window. He beamed at her when Lily sat down.
"I wasn´t sure you´d come," he admitted.
"I promised, so here I am," Lily smiled.
"Can I get you a drink? What would you like?"
"A cup of tea, please. I´m a bit cold."
James returned with two cups after some minutes.
"You were in the forest?" It was more a comment than a question.
Lily nodded. "We finally got to talk. It was good."
"I´m glad to hear that. I´m sure it made you feel better."
"It did." Lily hesitated. "Can I make one thing clear? This is not a date."
"It isn´t if you don´t want it to be."
"No, I´m just meeting a friend."
"OK."
Lily looked around. "You know this is ridiculous. We´re watched by at least fifteen Gryffindors. I feel like a zoo animal."
"Let´s go for a walk," suggested James. "We could go to Honeydukes or Zonko´s if you like."
Lily laughed. "That´s a good idea. I never saw one of the shops."
James stared at her in amazement. "How come? Oh, I see. The forest."
They drank their tea quickly and left the pub.
-x-
"Let´s go to Zonko´s," James suggested when they stepped out of the door. "We could get something funny for Halloween. That is if you feel like getting something funny."
"Why not. Let´s have a look."
The joke shop was fascinating. They rummaged through the racks of Halloween costumes and had fun trying on funny glasses and noses. Before they left James bought a nose for each of them.
"It´s late, we´d better go back," he said. "We can go to Honeydukes next time. If you agree to meet me again, that is."
"I´ll think about it." Lily laughed. Meet James again and have another row with Severus? Definitely not.
-x-
On their way back to the castle they met the rest of the marauders.
"Hi, Prongs!" Black greeted James cheerfully. "How was your date?"
James glanced at Lily. "We didn´t date, we met," he informed Black.
"Where´s the difference?"
"We met as friends. Like when you and I are meeting somewhere."
"I see. Anyway, I was at Honeydukes with the boys and made a fatal mistake. I bought my favorite chocolates but got marzipan instead of nougat. Those bloody boxes look so similar. I don´t like marzipan. Want it?" Black offered the box to Potter.
"I don´t like marzipan either. What about Moony and Wormtail?"
"I asked them before." Both nodded. "Evans, do you like marzipan?"
"Very much."
Black handed her the box. "Take it as a reward that you made Prongs happy," he grinned. "I hope you don´t mind I opened it. I only saw I had gotten the wrong thing when I ate the first."
"No problem," said Lily.
"What did you buy?" Black pointed at James´s bag.
"Noses." James took his out of the bag and put it on.
The boys laughed. Black reached into his pocket and put on a nose as well. Remus and Pettigrew did alike. Pettigrew´s nose was the same as Black´s.
"What about you, Evans?" Black laughed. "Got a nose, too?"
James held out the bag for Lily and she put on her nose, which was long and warty.
"You look like a witch," said Black.
"I am a witch, stupid." Lily giggled.
"Look at that girl!" Black cried dramatically. "I feed her with the finest chocolates and she calls me stupid!"
"The finest chocolates? You didn´t like them!"
"Because I don´t like marzipan. I´m sure they are delicious if you like marzipan. At least the nougat ones are."
Lily tried a bonbon. "You´re right. They are good."
"See. Though they are wasted on you. You look ugly and old with that nose."
"I don´t mind if Lily looks ugly and old," laughed James. "I can carry her when she´s too old to walk."
They wore their noses all way to the castle and made fun of each other. All five young Gryffindors were giggling on their way up the marble staircase. From behind a statue Severus watched how Lily accepted James´s arm to help her up the stairs.
-x-
At supper Lily looked out for her boyfriend. She had to make sure he knew that she was not angry any more. He didn´t turn up. Lily was concerned. Was anything wrong with him? Had there been trouble in Slytherin house? Was he injured or ill? She stayed at the great hall until the food was removed but Severus remained unseen.
When Lily returned to the common room, the marauders invited her to sit with them by the fireplace. Lily smiled and accepted the offer. Remus was just telling about his summer in Norway. He had been there with his parents and they had seen a pack of wolves in the Norwegian woods which the boys found rather amusing.
They stayed up until the fire went out.
-x-
Lily was the first in the great hall for breakfast. She didn´t eat much but kept glancing to the doors looking out for Severus.
He came late and he was not alone. Against his habit he came to breakfast in company. Black´s little brother. They were absorbed in conversation and Severus sat down without one glance at the Gryffindor table. For the first time in more than six years the boy chose a seat facing the wall.
Lily waited patiently. Perhaps he had no choice. He couldn´t risk Black to become aware of things. Black left after a while. Severus followed minutes later without looking at Lily.
-x-
Severus not only avoided looking at Lily at mealtimes but also speaking to her in lessons. Lily tried hard to get a quick word while filing into a classroom but it was like trying to catch smoke.
The girl become more desperate from day to day. Her only comfort was that he couldn´t avoid her in potions. She´d have her say there.
James noticed that something was wrong and tried to be helpful. Lily turned down his offers. When he wouldn´t give up she finally confessed she had a difference with her brother because of James and that being seen with him wouldn´t help. James restricted his protective behaviour to Gryffindor tower without being asked to.
-x-
"Why aren´t you talking to me?" Lily said as soon as Severus had joined her at their usual table in Slughorn´s classroom and a muffliato had been cast.
"What is there to say? You made your choice."
"I did what? He wants us to do what?" Lily looked at the blackboard. "A plague potion?" Lily´s amazement increased when she became aware that not only the two of them but also the rest of the class were to brew the plague healing draught. She payed attention to what the professor said.
"I want you to work carefully. We have the headmaster´s permission to take as much time for this as we need. The dark side is using deseases lately. The healers at St. Mungo´s can´t brew healing draughts as fast as they are needed!" Lily was taken aback. The dark side? The hat had mentioned something dark at the Sorting. What was the dark side?
Beside her Severus opened his potion book for the recipe. Lily leaned closer to have a look. "I get the herbs, you the creature parts," she suggested.
"OK."
They worked fast. Like always. Each knew in advance what the other would be doing next. Slughorn smiled at them when he passed their table. The dream team was at work.
"Will you talk to me now?" asked Lily when the potion bubbled merrily in their cauldron. "I´ve been trying to signal you for days."
"There´s nothing to say."
"Will you please explain to me what you´re talking about?"
"I saw you. You were holding hands with," he hesitated, "James!" Never had Lily heard so much contempt in one word.
"I was never holding hands with anyone but you." Lily was taken aback.
"Don´t lie to me. I saw you!"
"So you have vision problems. I swear I didn´t do a thing like that. I love you!"
"You have odd ways to show."
"You want me to kiss you? Here and now?"
"How very convenient for you to make our little secret public now," said Severus coolly. "I´d be occupied with fighting off half of Slytherin house and you could go on undisturbed with your little thing with James."
"I never knew you were so mean! How can you!" Lily´s eyes were swimming with tears.
"Ah yes, the crying stunt. I thought this would be next."
Lily jumped to her feet. "How dare you! Take that back!"
"Can´t stand the truth?"
Lily threw the first thing she could lay hands on. Marjoram, a little voice in her head said, when Severus dodged the jar and it shattered on the wall behind him.
"What has become of ´mind your body language´?" he sneered.
"Why are you doing this to me? You´re cruel!" Lily held back her tears with effort.
"Hear who´s talking!"
Lily grabbed another jar in cold fury. "No, no, girl!" Said professor Slughorn´s voice beside her. He lay his hand on her arm and forced the jar back to the table gently. "What a row! We´d better seperate you two fighting cocks! What a pity, though!" He took a look at the cauldron where a perfect healing draught was boiling down to the required consistency. "Lily you join your fellow Gryffindors, Severus you can finish this potion alone."
Lily frowned at Severus and packed her bag. Slowly she went over to the marauder´s table. James put his arm around her shoulder and whispered some words of comfort. Brilliant. This was surely going to solve the problem. Severus witnessing James whispering in her ear. What a day.
-x-
"Do you want me to talk to him?" James asked on the way to supper. "You had that row because of me. Maybe I can help sort it out."
Sweet James! Trying to make things up for his rival. He doesn´t know, Lily had to remind herself. "No," she said aloud, "it´d make things worse. He thinks I´m betraying his trust by talking to you. I don´t want him to think I let you fight my battles."
"So you don´t want to be seen at supper with me either."
"You can sit with me," sighed Lily. "He´s not stupid. He´ll know we are talking when he´s not watching. Better not let him think we´re hiding something."
"Like what?"
Lily blushed.
-x-
Having an unsolved difference with her boyfriend was hard for Lily. Severus was offended and refused to even look at her. So the girl prepared for a long week of waiting for another chance to talk. She became more edgy from day to day. Soon she was moody like back in September.
She tried hard to spare James her moods, but she had no objections to snap at Black. Of all people it was his fault that she had had a row with Severus. Hadn´t he made that scene, never would she have accepted James´s invitation. No matter how nice he was. Black had forced the situation on her.
"Here," Black laid a small box on Lily´s Charms book.
"What´s that?"
"A little token of peace."
"What?"
"Marzipan chocolates. We got along well when I fed you marzipan last week. So if I have to, I´ll buy you those every week." Black grinned. "I don´t want James to be in the middle of a battle between the two of us. If I have to sweeten your mood literally, I will."
Lily couldn´t but smile. "You´d do anything for James, wouldn´t you?"
"He´s my best friend." Black said solemnly. "You won´t need those every week, will you?" he added with a grin. "They are quite expensive."
"I won´t." Lily opened the box and held it out to Black. "Want one? As a token of peace?"
Black shuddered. "No offence, I don´t like that stuff."
-x-
Lily could hardly wait for the next potions lesson. As soon as she had taken her seat beside Severus she cast her muffliato. "We have to sort this out!" she whispered.
Severus didn´t answer. He stared at the blackboard as if his life depended on it.
"We haven´t come this far to lose each other because of something that stupid! Talk to me! Look at me!"
Severus turned to face her. "So it´s..."
"No, kids, that´s not a good idea," said professor Slughorn beside them. "We are working with dragon blood today. I won´t risk you throwing a vial of this, Lily. I suggest an exchange of partners." He looked around the classroom.
"Please, Sir," Black raised his hand. "May I work with Snape? I could do with some help."
"You really could," said Slughorn. "Lily, dear, change place with Sirius."
Lily packed her bag and went over to James´s desk. She glared at Black when she passed him.
"I´m sorry," whispered James.
"It´s not your fault," said Lily in a hoarse voice. Tears of disappointment burnt in her eyes.
"What will you do?" asked James.
"I don´t know. I really don´t know." Lily sighed and glanced over to Severus who was working with determination at the cauldron which had minutes ago been hers.
-x-
"How could you!" Lily shouted at Black on the way back to Gryffindor tower. "I work with Severus. You destroyed our team!"
Black stared at her. "Your team?" he said coldly. He glanced over to James who was walking on Lily´s other side.
Lily held her breath. She had nearly forgotten. Black knew. He was aware that she wasn´t fighting for her potions partner or her brother but her love. "Our team," she said in a softer voice. Don´t provoke him or he´ll tell.
"You destroyed your team when you threw that jar last week." Black´s voice was back to normal. "I did you a favor today. I gave you my partner. Merlin knows who Slughorn had teamed you up with. I thought you´d be glad to get someone you like. I have to work with Snape now. It´s no fun I can tell you."
"It´s fun for me."
"I´m not you."
"That, Padfoot," interjected James, "could be your problem."
-x-
Lily lay awake all night. What could she do? In the early morning she got up and took a piece of fresh parchment out of her bag. A letter. It was the only way she could think of. But how to put things? She had to be careful. She didn´t know who would be there when Severus got the letter. She had to find a way to communicate matters which only Severus understood.
She lit her wand and chewed her quill. After more than half an hour hard work, she finished her message.
Dear Severus, it said. I´m writing to you because I can´t wait for our next meeting. A lot has happened in my life recently. I got an offer and turned it down for what must have been the hundreth time. The person I had trouble with before made it a public case and I had to accept. It´s a mess. I had to do what I didn´t want and even lost what I want because I had no chance to explain.
Now I´m sitting here alone, eating sweets (she helped herself to a piece of marzipan) and stiring my coffee.
What am I to do?
She signed the letter with a drawing of a little flower.
After rereading it carefully she put on her robes and tiptoed out of the dormitory to the owlery.
-x-
Lily was so upset by the prospect of finally contacting Severus and making things up that she only realized when she stepped into the owlery that she had not put on her shoes. The stone floor of the paneless room was icy.
D´Artagnan hooted at her sight and came down to her obediently. He sat on her shoulder nd held his leg out to attach the letter.
Lily stroked the owl´s soft feathers. "I can´t use you, dear," she explained. "You´d give away my secret." The bird hooted with relief and went back up to one of the wall niches.
Lily chose one of the school owls, a plain unconspicuous bird. "You wait until breakfast," she instructed the owl. "Then you deliver it."
Cautiously she tiptoed back towards Gryffindor tower. It was too late to go back all the way to her dormitory for the first students were on their way to breakfast.
"Where have you been?" It was James who spotted her.
"On a walk."
"Without shoes?"
"Forgot them."
"You forgot them? Wow. You must have been quite distracted."
Lily didn´t answer.
"Did you meet your brother? Did you sort things out?"
"We didn´t meet."
"So where were you? You can tell me. I´ll keep it secret if you wish." James smiled. A warm and comforting smile. It was easy to confide in him.
"I wrote him a letter," said Lily.
"Don´t tell me you went to the owlery without shoes! It´s cold up there!"
Lily smiled. "Cold feet are pretty low on my priority list right now."
"They are not on mine," James pointed out. "Do you want me to carry you?"
Lily´s eyes widened. "No," she laughed. "First, aren´t you a bit dramatic? And second, no offence meant, James, but I´d rather lose some toes than be seen carried by you."
James sighed theatrically. "Oh, this woman!" he cried and pressed his wrist against his forehead. "I offer to kiss her feet and she turns me down!"
"You didn´t offer to kiss my feet, stupid," Lily giggled. "And to put things straight: there´s no single part of me you can kiss!"
"Oh no!" James moaned. "My hopes are smashed." – "I know," he added suddenly earnest, "that there´s no part of you to be kissed by me. But if being your friend is the best I can get, I´ll be satisfied with that."
"I know," said Lily equally earnest. "Let´s go to breakfast. I´m starving." She took James´s hand and dragged him after her. The boy didn´t protest.
-x-
"Lily," James called when they reached the first floor. "As much as I´m enjoying this, it won´t help if he sees us enter the great hall hand in hand."
Lily stared at their hands for a moment as if she was only realizing then that they were linked. She blinked. "You´re right. It won´t help."
They let go of each other and continued downstairs.
-x-
At breakfast Lily glanced over to the Slytherin table what must have been every two minutes. Severus arrived late in the company of Black´s little brother. Again he sat turning his back at Lily.
"I thought you were hungry," said James beside her. "You have barely touched anything."
"I´m not as hungry as I thought I was." Lily glanced over to the Slytherin table again.
"Stop that! It´s too early for the owls. And they won´t come any sooner if you stay hungry." James started shoveling scrambled eggs on Lily´s plate. "Tea of coffee?" he asked.
"Coffee, please."
James handed her a cup. "Lily," he leaned closer and whispered in a low voice, "if you keep staring at him that way you can as well go over and fall on his neck. You have to be more careful!"
Lily concentrated on her food. Now that she had started eating, she realized how hungry she really was. She even didn´t see the owls arriving and only looked when James nudged her softly. She glanced over to Severus in time to see him shove her letter in his pocket without a second glance.
"Why doesn´t he read it?" she whispered.
"He can´t. He´s in company," James pointed out. "He did recognize your handwriting, I assume?"
"Of course."
"So he can´t risk a fellow Slytherin to see what´s in the letter." James said in a comforting voice.
"I hope he hurries," sighed Lily. "I can´t stand this much longer."
-x-
Lily never learnt whether Severus had read the letter and when. His behaviour didn´t change and she had no idea whether that was because he hadn´t read the letter or because he didn´t believe her.
The girl tried to think of a way to talk to her friend but she couldn´t come up with anything. For some minutes she thought she´d sort things out over the Christmas holidays. He couldn´t after all avoid her for two weeks at home, but then she remembered there wasn´t a place called home any more. She couldn´t go to her parents´ house for Petunia didn´t want her there. On second thought she couldn´t even be sure Petunia hadn´t sold the house. The only other place was Severus´s house. He´d be there. But the way he was behaving right now she wasn´t sure he would let her in.
Lily sighed. She´d have to stay at school for the holidays. She went to bed without supper and cried herself to sleep.