All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.

No copyright infringement is intended.

HUGE thanks to darcysmom and twimom817 for beta'ing and EdwardsMyObsession1971 for pre-reading – they are the best!

Never Let Go

Chapter Twenty-Five

I felt relieved that Edward felt comfortable enough to leave me. He'd been with me non-stop since I got home from my therapy session Saturday morning. Dad had gone to the Mill to pick up some paperwork he could take care of at home, and Edward stayed with me while I had my last physical therapy session with Seth. Edward selflessly volunteered to stay with me – just like he'd done with every other physical therapy session I'd had.

Little did we know that everything would go wrong.

I remember hearing Edward telling me to breathe, and I felt like I was okay. I was lying on the floor with my eyes closed and Edward was sitting in Dad's recliner while Seth knelt next to me. I felt relaxed and ready to get it over with. My goal was to let Seth touch me – a first in the four weeks he'd been working with me.

The last thing I remember was feeling overly warm hands touching me. They felt foreign and harsh against my skin, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. In my haze, I remember hearing Edward's voice somewhere close by, but it sounded like I was underwater and everything was garbled. Edward's voice is so smooth and tender – it should never sound like that.

I woke up in a sterile hospital room, Edward clutching my hand like a life line. In truth, it was – our lifeline to each other.

Dad was sleeping in the chair next to the bed and Edward was bent over the bed, his head next to my hand, which he was holding on to. My head was swimming, and the beeping of the heart monitor wasn't doing anything to help it.

Thankfully, Carlisle didn't keep me in the hospital long. He said that my blood pressure was much better and suggested that Dad still keep an eye on it, and bring me in later in the week for a check-up. Dad and Edward took me home. Edward carried my bag upstairs and waited patiently for me to shower before I settled into my overstuffed chair with a book.

"Will you be okay here?" Edward asked softly as he sat in front of me on the ottoman.

"I'll be fine, Edward. Dad's home and I'm not going anywhere."

"Call me if you need me, okay, Boo?"

"Yes," I smiled. "Now go, Edward. Tell your mom I said hi and that I'm fine."

"Okay, Boo. Love you."

"Love you too, Edward."

School was starting in two days and I was dreading it. It would be the first day of my Senior Year of high school – Dad was making a big deal over it.

"It's your last year of school, Bella. You need to make the most of it. It'll be the first year that you've gone to school with Edward since you were in elementary school. He's been waiting for a very long time for this opportunity."

"I know, Dad. But what if I don't feel up to it?"

"What do you mean up to it?"

"I think that everyone has these expectations of me – including you and Edward and I don't know if I can live up to them. I'm dancing again, I've started playing volleyball again but I still don't feel like me, Dad. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to put the effort in because I'm afraid that I'll only let you down – and not just you, but Edward too and I don't want to do that."

"Baby Girl … don't you worry about living up to our expectations. You live up to yours. Edward and I will love you no matter what. We only want to know that you're safe and happy, okay?"

"'Kay."

Carlisle carefully explained the cocktail of medications that he wanted me to take on a daily basis. I wasn't happy about it, but Dad told me that it was necessary if I wanted to go home. I was given anti-anxiety meds, a mild anti-depressant, and a dietary supplement so my appetite wasn't affected by the meds. All of this had been discussed while Edward was absent from the room and I was glad for that because I'm sure he wouldn't have been happy about it. Not that I wouldn't let him in on it, but I truly felt like a child being chastised for something that was beyond my control.

"Bella, these meds will help you." Carlisle promised.

I wasn't so sure about that. He was sure that the meds would control my anxiety but to me that was artificial control – something that wasn't my own doing.

A couple hours after Edward left, Dad brought me up a tray with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich on it.

"You need to eat so you can take your meds, baby girl."

I ate my dinner in the cold silence of my room. Dad came back in to bring my meds and watched me as I swallowed them down. He smiled weakly in apology and left me alone again. I didn't bother picking up the book that I had been reading. Instead, I sat back in my chair and waited for the drugs to take effect. Even with lower doses, it didn't take long for me to nod off.

The next morning, Dad woke me saying that he was going in to work and he wanted me to make sure that I had everything ready for school the following day.

"Go downstairs and eat breakfast, then take your meds. If you need anything, call me, okay, baby girl?"

I nodded and watched from my window as he pulled out of the drive.

As I sat and pondered what would be occurring in the next 36 hours, I decided to take my meds before my anxiety got the best of me. Once I cleaned up my cereal bowl and set it in the sink to dry, I went upstairs to organize my things and put them away in my backpack.

I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard the phone ringing. I hurried to answer it, only to find it was Edward on the other end.

"Why are you out of breath, Boo?"

"Because I was in the shower and I hurried to answer when I heard the phone ringing."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to rush through your shower, Boo."

"No, it's fine. I was out already anyway – otherwise I wouldn't have heard the phone even ring."

"Oh. Umm … how are you feeling?"

I sighed, knowing that Edward's question would be a part of every conversation we'd have over the next few weeks. I hated the look that Edward gave me when he asked and I resented the reason why he had to.

"Uhh … sluggish is the best word, I guess. Your dad said it would take some time for me to get used to the meds, so until then …."

"It'll get better, Bella."

"Yeah …"

"Everything okay, Boo?"

"I guess. I mean, I'm really not looking forward to school starting tomorrow and dealing with that and trying to adjust to these meds. I've got practice after school and dance tomorrow night – I'm worried about how everything is going to go."

"Baby … you know that I'm going to be there for you every step of the way. Alice and Jazz will be there too – for whatever you need."

"I don't want to have to depend on you, Edward. You've got your own things to take care of – the last thing you need to worry about is me."

"Bella … stop. You need to get it out of your head that I'm doing this for you out of pity. You're my best friend and I love you. Boyfriends are supposed to be there when their girlfriends need them. Yes, it's true that I have other things to worry about, but they aren't more important than you. I want to be there for you if and when you need me, so let me do that for you, okay?"

It warmed my heart to hear the conviction in Edward's voice. I loved him too, and there wasn't anything that I wanted to do more than allow him to take care of me. He'd done it practically his whole life and I suppose I couldn't very well stop him now.

"'Kay."

"I love you … I mean that with all my heart, Bella."

"I love you too, Edward."

"I'll come by after dinner tonight, okay? Since it's not raining for a change, Jazz and I and a couple of the other guys are gonna go throw the ball around. I'd ask you to come along, but you're probably not feeling up to it."

Edward was right – I wasn't. I told him to go on and have fun with his friends and that I'd see him later that evening. With a quick promise that I wasn't leaving the house and another quiet 'I love you', I hung up the phone.

Instead of spending an hour on the phone the night before school started, I spent a couple hours sitting next to Edward on the couch watching a movie. We ate popcorn and drank lukewarm Dr. Pepper. My head was still feeling fuzzy, but it was the best part of my day, and I hated to see it end.

The school year began the same as any other. I walked in feeling like I was a goldfish and everyone wanted to peer into my bowl. There were a few people who smiled and welcomed me back – people I hadn't gone to school with in years. I hadn't seen them in a while and a lot had changed, but I smiled back and thanked them. As I followed the motions of going from class to class, I felt like I was wading through quicksand; thick, dense and waiting to pull me under at any moment.

I was never happier for lunch period than I was that day. My eyes found Edward and Alice at a table in the far corner of the cafeteria and I slowly but surely made my way toward them.

"Hey, Boo." Edward smiled.

"Hey."

Edward held out my chair and I sat down, dropping my backpack unceremoniously onto the floor.

"You okay, Boo?"

The look of concern on Edward's face made my chest ache, but at the moment, there was nothing I could do about it.

"I'm just tired, that's all." I murmured, crossing my arms on the table and laying my head on them.

I closed my eyes and tried to drown out everything except for Edward's soothing presence. The conversations around us were a dull roar in my ears, and I tried my best to ignore Alice when she asked Edward if I was on new meds and if that was what was making me so lethargic.

"It's going to take her a little while to get used to them," Edward explained.

During volleyball practice that afternoon, I had to run extra laps because I was having a hard time paying attention to what Coach Bishop was saying. By the time he excused us, I was ready to go home and crawl into my bed, never to come out again.

"Bella … come on, we have dance tonight." Alice reminded me.

I hadn't been home for five minutes when Alice called. Edward dropped me off after practice with a kiss and a promise that he'd call me later when I got home.

"I don't want to go, Alice. I'm tired," I whined.

"Bella … you need to get back into your routine. Once you're in the groove of things again, I'm sure you'll start to feel better. Everyone feels crappy the first week of school."

"Not everyone, Alice. You were awfully perky today."

"That's because it's Senior Year, Bella – I'm Class President, I'm supposed to be perky."

I sighed and listened to her ramble on and on about what a great year it was going to be and everything that she wanted to happen in that time span.

The next few weeks, I felt like I could barely keep my head above water. Where I felt like I'd been starting to tread water before, now I felt like a sitting duck. Getting up and moving in the morning felt like a chore, and the joy I'd once found in playing volleyball and dancing was gone. I tried out for the choir and barely squeaked my way in. The teacher told me I was 'okay' but had a lot of room for improvement.

Edward had begun playing fall ball a few days a week. Nothing over the top, just something to keep him in shape until the team started training in the spring. He'd ask me if I wanted to come see the end of his practices or games when I was done with volleyball practice, but I always declined, telling him that I'd rather go home.

I truly hated how my meds made me feel. I tried telling Carlisle that I hated them when my dad took me back for my check up a week after I got out of the hospital, but Carlisle urged me to give them a chance – to let my body acclimate to them and give them a chance to do their job. After six weeks, it seemed like their only purpose was to make me miserable. So, when my Dad announced that he had to go out of town on a business trip and that I was to stay with the Cullen's, I made my decision.

It took a few days for my body to adjust to the absence of my medication, but after those first days, I started to feel better. My head wasn't swimming any longer and I could think much more clearly.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Edward asked, concerned.

"I'm fine," I promised.

"I think you're finally getting used to your meds … you've seemed better the past few days."

I bit my lip and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt.

"Boo … what is it?"

"Edward, I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to be angry and you can't say anything … not yet anyway."

"What is it?"

We were sitting in his car after a Friday night football game, and I'd been anxious all night, but it wasn't because I sang the National Anthem solo.

"It's … it's nothing."

"Bella …" Edward said softly, "I know you … this isn't nothing. It's something or you wouldn't be so fidgety."

Edward always did know me better than I knew myself.

"I stopped taking my meds." I murmured quietly.

"What?"

"I stopped taking them, Edward. I hated the way they made me feel – I couldn't focus. I felt out of control. I was miserable, Edward. Please …."

Edward looked over at me and cupped my face in his hand.

"Bella … why didn't you say anything? I knew you weren't happy about having to take them, but you should have told me."

"I didn't want you to be upset with me. I was … I was afraid."

"Bella, why would I be upset?" He asked, reaching out to pull me across the console into his arms.

"I don't know. I didn't want you to think that it's another thing that I can't handle."

"Your meds are supposed to help you, not hinder you, Baby. Do you think you'll be okay without them?"

I didn't need them before the incident and I'd do my best to never need them again.

"I want to be okay without them. I … I need you to be with me when I tell my Dad and Carlisle that I'm not taking them anymore."

"There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be, Baby. I told you I'd be there for you if and when you needed me, and I meant it."

Later that night, after Edward tucked me in to the bed in the Cullen's guestroom, I was sure that I heard him knock on his parent's bedroom door. I could hear raised voices from the sanctuary of the warm blankets I was nestled in. I didn't want to know what they were arguing about, but I could harbor a guess.

A week later, when my Dad came back from his business trip, he joined us at Carlisle and Esme's house for dinner. Edward and I had argued that afternoon about telling our parents, but I wasn't ready. I wanted to be off the meds for a little while longer so I could prove that I was fine without them.

"Baby … your dad will figure out that you're not taking your meds. I'm sure he'll notice how many are in the bottle."

"He'll never know. Every morning, I take that day's pills and flush them down the toilet. He doesn't stand over me and watch me take them anymore."

"He actually did that?"

Edward seemed surprised to hear that my dad stood there while I swallowed down those bitter pills. I don't think my dad did it because he didn't trust me – he did it for peace of mind.

I nodded.

"Yeah, he did that for the first couple weeks. He was like you – watching me like a hawk and constantly asking whether I was okay or not."

"Bella … I only asked because I was truly worried about you. When you had your panic attack, it scared the living shit out of me. You didn't even realize I was there – I'd never felt so helpless in my life. If there was anything I could do to prevent that from happening again, I woulddo it, and I'll continue to do it until you don't have them anymore. Not once did I want you to feel like I thought you were unstable. I want you to stay with me – to know that I'm there."

"I am with you, Edward. I'm so sorry that happened. Usually, knowing that you're there and with me helps me, but that time, Seth barely touched me, and I was pulled so far under that I couldn't help myself let alone could I expect you to help me. I'm sorry that it scared you, but I'm so glad that you were there and you stayed by my side. I know that only you would have done that for me, Edward. If it were anyone else, I'd have been left along a long time ago."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. But I can't help but think that you'd feel a lot better if you'd just open up to us all and let us in – tell us what happened and allow us to share that burden with you instead of carrying it yourself and you need to tell your dad that you're off your meds."

"I can't, Edward … I'm not ready. Please, you promised me that you'd let me tell you when I was ready – don't go back on your promise."

A/N: Think Edward's going to go back on his promise? Thoughts?