Twenty Five
Jane woke up with the most painful headache. It wasn't just pain in her temples. It ached by her neck, at the top of her head, and all around.
Shit. What the hell? What happened? She then checked the time. 8:42 am. She'd only gotten close to five hours of sleep. Jane moved to the side of the bed and hunched over.
"Six days," she said loudly, "Six days and there's a chance to see them tomorrow."
She got up too quickly and felt uneasy. In the kitchen, she found an instant coffee maker and made three cups. Next to the sink, a loaf of bread covered in aluminum foil, stared at Jane.
"Hmm…I wonder how long that's been there." She reached out of it and quickly retrieved her hand when an insect appeared from beneath the foil. "God, what the hell." Her appetite suddenly disappeared. "Thank you Captain Brown for a decent roof over my head."
The fridge barely had anything to fill Jane's stomach. No water. No beer. Nothing at all. Giving up, she returned to the living room. She sat on the couch. The old and lumpy couch. Only now did she realize how crappy it was; ever crappier than the one she owned many years ago. But it did its job. It helped her think, which really, was the last thing she wanted to do.
Like a thousand bricks falling on top of her, the first wave of thoughts smashed her hard. She closed her eyes and immediately, Maura's face appeared. Not that it hasn't…but it appeared once more, just as she left them, six days ago, at the hospital. Then followed, like bullets, the faces of Angela, Johnny, Frankie, and Arissa.
"Tomorrow's the day." Jane sighed. "I could completely blow it off or I can go and get the nastiest looks." She threw her hands over her eyes. "Keep it simple, Jane. You go or you don't go." She got up and paced the room. "I either go or I don't go." Jane began to fidget with her hands, feeling the dents in her palms. "I'll go to make a little boy happy. Psh. He probably forgot about me, anyways. Why the hell should I go? Nothing's good over there. No one wants me there! Everyone's going to start a war with me. I'll mess up the whole day for them!"
She returned to the couch. I wish I could call someone. But she couldn't. She had no one to call; no one who would truly understand the full extent of her troubles. Then an idea popped in her mind.
No. I can't do that. I can't call him.
Taking a deep breath, she reached out for her phone and dialed the number.
What the fuck am I doing?
She vigorously tapped her fingers on her lap, listening intently for the dial tone. He's not going to answer. He's not going to answer. Almost hanging up, Jane heard a voice on the other line.
"Hello?" the voice replied.
"H-hello? Jane replied, her voice coarse.
"Jane? Is that you?"
He answered. He actually fucking answered.
She cleared her throat, "Yeah…yeah, it's me…da- Frank."
"Hm, still calling me by my name," he sighed, "What is it, Jane? I'm in the hospital right now. Can you make this quick?"
Jane's heart raced, but only a little. "Why…why are you…?"
"My…uh…she's in labor right now." He said quietly.
Oh. "Then…I'll just…hang-."
"Hold it." He said sternly. "You called. I never thought I'd hear from you again…despite everything…"
"Nah…it's nothing. You should get back to…whatever her name is."
"Jane," he said. "What is it? You must have something botherin' you if you decide to call me."
"Frank. Your…she needs you. Go back to her." Jane said, almost feeling the pain anguish in her heart.
"Jane. Tell me. What's wrong?" Frank asked. Silence followed.
"It's Johnny's birthday tomorrow." And Arissa's apparently. But I can't tell him that. I don't believe it yet. "He invited me…as in ….he told me, in front of everyone, where and when."
"Oh…and how did everyone take it?"
"They didn't say anything or show much. But…but I knew they wanted to cover his mouth or something."
"Do you want to go?"
"Well, I shouldn't, because everyone's going to give me shit looks. I'll just be standing there while everyone's…in their happy little bubble."
"But Jane, do you want to go?" he asked again.
"And I'll just make everything…less happy. Me just being invited is already bringing them down. Hell, me just being in Boston, is making everyone…not want me at all."
"You don't know that. Do you want to go?"
"Johnny's not going to appreciate my full appearance because he doesn't know me."
"Jane, for God's sake. Answer the question! Do you want to go?"
"I…"
"I'm only asking what you want to do."
She had to think about it. Did she want to go?
"Forget about everyone. Just think about what you want to do. Remember, Johnny invited you. Not them. He wants you there. It's his special day. The birthday boy always gets what he wants on his special day. I mean…that's how we raised you…er, anyways, do you want to go?"
He made a point and she made up her mind. "Y-yeah…I want to go."
"There you go."
"I…I realized how much I missed when I interviewed him. He likes the Red Sox, Frank. He says they're the best team." She smiled slightly. "I…I don't want to miss anything else."
Frank hesitated, "At least you're going back to your family. Even if it's in this condition."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing." He replied quickly. "Look, I gotta go. And Jane?"
"Yeah?"
"Take in every second you have…And uh, I'd like to hear from you more often." He paused. "If it's okay with you."
"We'll see. Bye Frank."
"Bye Jane… be good tomorrow." He hung up. She looked at the screen. The call lasted nearly 2 minutes.
It seemed longer.
She got over the fact that she even bothered to call Frank, that he answered, and ultimately gave her the push to make up her decision.
"I'm going." Jane said to the ceiling. She got up. "I'm going!" Heading into her room, she yelled once more. "I'm going tomorrow!" A rush of exhilaration drowned her body. She grabbed the nearest and cleanest jacket, reached for her keys, badge, and gun, and headed towards her rented car.
Jane drove towards the outskirts of Boston, only to avoid the familiar buildings and anyone who could recognize her. She regrettably checked the latest trends on Twitter; and sure enough, her name took up the first three slots. She didn't bother to click on a specific tweet. They all said the same thing. It was clear she was not welcome in Massachusetts, let alone in Boston. It was clear she had been exiled from her own home, by her own doing.
She sped from lane to lane, feeling the hot Boston air trickle through the car. In a way, it felt good to be driving in Boston. It was nice to hear everyone curse at the smallest things and listen to the pure impatience of each and every driver. At the red light, she thought about gifts. She knew what to get Johnny. It was easy. Plain and simple. She'd give several signed jersey's, trading cars from the 40's all the way to the 70's; a gift from Maura that Jane never traveled without, even to this day. Then she'd add several more items, little throw in things, and give a card. Plain and simple. But what do you give a child who has a mom that can provide everything? She couldn't ask Gordon to send her the 2007 Red Sox World Series Team signed helmet, yet another gift from Maura. She didn't like the idea of Gordon going into her apartment in Florida, except for a few drunken exceptions. Besides, there wouldn't be enough time for the helmet to be shipped in Boston. With Johnny's gift in mind, it occurred to Jane that she would be giving what Maura bought her many years ago. And it struck no odd feelings. But it should have.
Driving and looking for something became a specialty of Jane that she mastered back in Florida. It became natural for her to look out the window to search for something and know just when to swerve out of traffic. It was in Boston that her skill met a challenge. Not only that, but the frustration led Jane to almost hit several cars in front of her. What was she going to get Arissa? Hell, she had no idea why she was even shopping for the little girl. But Angela's voice echoed in her mind.
"Johnny and Arissa's birthday."
In complete denial, Jane prompted not getting a gift for her at all. As the days passed leading to Frank's call today, Jane made a complete change of heart.
"What the hell do I buy to a kid that's supposedly mine?" Jane muttered as she scanned the stores. "I don't even know what she likes."
She found a parking spot on the side of the road and inserted coins into the meter, enough for seven hours, just in case. She continued to look down the block on both sides and across the streets. None of the stores really yelled out for Jane's attention. There was a book store, antique shop, a boutique, Whole Foods Market, and more stores that would fit perfectly in the 80's.
"No kid store." Jane sighed. People began to stare at her. She quickly put on her sunglasses…as if that was going to hide anything. She quickly walked towards the bookstore while she listened to the feint gasps and comments.
She opened the door a little too rough, enough for the sound of the bell to ring and have more people look at her.
Great. Exactly what I need. She removed her sunglasses and stared at the store clerk who couldn't be more obvious with his emotions. The man returned his attention to the customer in front of him, and by the looks of it, he recognized Jane. She made her way towards the children's section. It sent Jane back to her own childhood. The first book Jane noticed was Clifford the Big Red Dog. She picked one up and began to flip through the pages. Then a little child ran in front of her, followed by his mom. Jane moved to the side and continued reading. She listened to the young boy and watched, from the corner of her eye, him throw every book onto the ground and beg his mother to read to him. After a few seconds, the mother obliged, sat down, and began to read to him. Looking at the two, Jane felt a knot of pain in her stomach. She saw herself and Johnny in the likes of the child and his mother. If Jane never left, she could have read thousands of stories at night. She could have gone to the bookstore just to spend time with her on. If only. All the could haves and would haves. It only made Jane angry…at herself. She returned the book, without looking back at the mother and child. She left the children's section, feeling heavy, and went to another part of the store.
"Maybe I should get her a book." She mumbled. She reached the older part of the store. It had antiques, old couches, and a small area to read. She went to the nearest bookshelf. They were thick books and the sign that hovered over the area didn't lie. The books were beyond old, beyond the description, beyond anything. Each book had its own special casing and next to it, a description of the book and a price. The first book she saw was the Complete Set of Works of Edgar Allan Poe. According to the card, it was the cheapest in their rare collection, at a low price of only $19,500.
"Jesus!" Jane took a step back, "My first car was only $600!" She said as she went to the next book. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway listed at $23,500, caught Jane's attention, only because she remembered reading it many years ago, due to Maura's pleading. Despite the outrageous prices, Jane felt like she was at the right section of the store. "I'll get her a book." She looked toward the Poe section, "Just not that expensive."
Walking around more unfamiliar authors, Jane contemplated on what type of book to get. "She doesn't look like she'd read children's novel." She stood on her toes and canvassed the area, though there wasn't much to see. The book store was awfully small and did not have a wide variety, well for a kid really. But this was Maura's kid!
"Hey brain level capacity is probably better that a person with a PhD!"
At the corner of her eye, Jane spotted a book, all on its own, shinning under a light. I have to get this. She walked towards the green book and read the card on the side.
"Published in 1930, previously owned by President John F. Kennedy and President Bill Clinton. Official records are kept at cashier and a copy on your left," Jane looked to her left, "show further history. This copy of the book, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen is the only copy left. A rare and cheap find retailing at $754. See cashier for more details."
Jane looked back at the book. "$754? What in hell's world-." $754 was something Jane had in her bank accounts. But spending so much on a book? It nearly hurt Jane just to look at it once more. Doubts rushed into her mind. The possibility of Maura owning the book was high. In fact, Jane remembered a book by Jane Austen sitting in their bookshelf…years ago. But she couldn't remember the title. She didn't want to remember.
Jane continued to stare at the book until another store clerk walked up to her.
"It's a one of a kind. Actually, the only one of its kind. Reasonably priced too."
Jane widened her eyes at him. "Reasonably priced?"
"Aah, you must be…new at this."
"Sure…whatever that means. Can I take a look at it?"
"Will you be purchasing it?" he asked.
"I'd like to see it first." Jane said sternly.
"I'm sorry, but store policy requires us to know if a customer is going to buy a rare collectable to ensure-."
She moved her jacket to reveal her badge. "I just want to see it."
"Oh." He suddenly sounded nervous. "Please understand that it's store policy. We don't want to expose our older books to air if they don't need to."
People are looking Rizzoli. Don't cause a scene. She had to make a decision. Did she want to spend so much on a book? Did she was to risk purchasing a book that most home had? What if Arissa doesn't like it? What if she's already read it? Closing her eyes, she said to the clerk, "Yes…yes I'll buy it."
The clerk looked scared to smile. But he did. He returned to the counter to get the keys and several things that Jane did not understand the need for. He promptly put his gloves on, opened the glass, and wrapped the book in a sealed bag.
"Let's go to the counter." He said. Jane nodded.
What? If it needs that much care, is it such a good idea to give it to a kid?
Jane watched the man gently place it on the counter. He dug into one of the binders for papers. Jane looked at the other store clerk. He tried to hide the newspaper with hi hands, but it wasn't enough. Jane knew it was her picture that the man was hiding. She glared at him until he excused himself.
"Please sign your name on the highlighted areas."
"What's this for?"
"Just for records. We like to keep track on who owns the book."
"No insurance or something?"
"Not at all…the book is…irreplaceable. It's the-."
"Only copy. Yeah, I got it." She signed the papers.
"How will you be paying?"
"Uhh, card."
"Okay. May I have your I.D?" he asked. "Company-."
"Policy. I know. Here." She handed the card and watched him swipe it. "Thanks."
"There's a no exchange or return…policy." Well shit. "If you have any questions regarding the book, there's a number you can call." He handed the book over, "Thanks for shopping with us!"
She reached out for the book and forced a smile. As she walked out the door, she heard the two store clerk talking about the newspaper. She slipped on her sunglasses. That's right. That's me on the newspaper. She returned to her car and drove to her apartment, only to realize once more that she spent nearly $800 on a book.
She arrived at the apartment and threw the book onto the couch. Immediately, she winced and felt a little regret for man handling the book. She sat next to the book, closed her eyes and said, "Cheer to tomorrow."
ˣˣ
"Ma! I don't get why I have to go!" Tommy asked. "Frankie's not tired for driving almost two hours! In traffic!"
"You're not driving right now, so shut it! Ma, which store did you want to go to?"
"You two are giving me a migraine! Turn right!" Angela directed.
"I wanted to relax with my kids before the birthday! But no! I'm being dragged to the grocery shop-."
"Tommy, if you don't stop, I'll give you a migraine that'll last for weeks! Turn right!"
"What'd you forget anyways? Honey? Sugar?"
"Park over there!" Angela yelled.
"Where?"
"Over there." She pointed with her finger.
"Ma! That's a church!"
"What are we really doing here?" Tommy asked. Everyone turned silent. Angela became serious. "Ma…"
"Come on." She grabbed her purse. Frankie and Tommy looked at each other, suddenly scared.
They walked into the church, instantly smelling the candle and feeling the holiness creep into their body. They followed Angela into one of the pews, towards the middle of the church. Tommy sat down first, then Angela, and finally Frankie. Together, they stared at the cross. It's been a while since they went to church. Just Angela and her kids…minus Jane. It could have been close to five years. However long it was, a trip to the church was long overdue.
"Ma?" Frankie asked quietly. "What are we doing here?"
"It's time that we…" she paused. She couldn't believe what she was about to initiate. "It's time that we had the talk."
Even in their mid thirties, Tommy and Frankie became scared. No one likes having the talk, whatever it meant.
"Tommy, let's switch seats. It'll be easier to talk…"
Tommy nodded and switched. Then he said, "Ma, is everything okay?"
"Well, yes…" Everything was okay. But since Jane…"Eh, no. Not really. Oh for heaven's sake, I don't know."
"Ma, just say it." Frankie suggested.
"I…I just thought it was time that we talk about…" she gulped. It was still difficult for her to say her name. "Jane."
"Everyone's seen her but me!" Tommy said. "I just want to-."
"Tommy stop! We're in church! I thought…I just thought it was a good idea."
"For what?" they both asked.
"To have this talk not be near our house….not near the kids, Maura, everyone!" Angela said. "We need our own talk."
Frankie nodded. "What's there to talk about? We haven't heard or seen her almost a week. She's probably gone. Gone like last time."
Tommy and Angela noticed her veins pop out. "I'm just…confused on…so many levels."
"Let's just say she is still around," Tommy began, "and like you said a few days back. What if she does come tomorrow? Then what? Do you think she's going?"
"What do you we know about her anymore?" Frankie practically yelled.
"Lower your voice!" Angela said, "Assuming, she does come…I…I really don't how to answer that.
Frankie calmed down, "I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's alive and….here at all. She looks sick."
"What do you mean?" Tommy asked. "Fill me in!"
"She's skinnier." Angela stated. "Skinnier than…it's bad. It doesn't take a genius to notice it, but Jane's…hers was too noticeable."
"What if she comes tomorrow?" Frankie asked. "I can't promise that I won't do anything."
"Assuming she goes," Angela sighed, "We'll just have to be good…for Johnny and Arissa. We can't cause a scene…assuming she goes."
"Assuming…right." Tommy asked. "But what if she causes a scene?"
"That would be an idiot move on her part."
"True…" Tommy replied. "How's Maura taking it?"
"I haven't really had a full conversation with her…since we brought them home. I guess you could say she's avoiding. But who can blame her? Plus, she's been busy with…Tanner…and the party. I keep reminding them to rest up!"
"Tanner…" Tommy said.
"Let's not talk about him, please. Lord knows all the things I have to say."
"You know what's wrong on our part? We keep avoiding as well!"
"No way, Mr. Philosopher. Enlighten me with your ideas." Frankie said sarcastically.
"Hey, knock it off. I'm being serious here." Tommy said. "We should be talking…talking to each other… talk about the things that need to be spoken about."
"He's right Frankie. I've been avoiding too. I just…I just don't like the guy."
"Why, ma?" Frankie asked. "He's a good guy…for Maura. At least she's got someone. Someone whose willing to love her kids, if not already. He'd make a great step dad."
"But, Maura's not into him, huh, ma? Then why is she still letting him hang around?"
"It's complicated." Angela said. Far more complicated than you think. She looked at her sons. And a part of me always believes that there is no one for Maura but Jane.
"Everything's complicated." Frankie sighed. "Do you think she's going?"
"I think so." Tommy replied.
"Same." Angela said. "I don't know why, but I just do."
"Me too. I just don't know what'll happen, that is, if she comes."
"Yeah…assuming."
"We can't do anything that'll make Johnny and Arissa ask questions or wonder why we're acting so weird around her…you know? We gotta make it all natural."
"We just take it day by day." Frankie said. "We can't plan ahead or make early promises."
They looked back at the cross and said a prayer, all hoping for the same thing.
"Just let tomorrow be a good day. For the kids." Angela said in her mind. They exited the church, drove in silence, and eagerly waited for the following day. It was, of course, Angela's grandchildren's birthday. Nothing would stop them from having a good time.
At least, that's what she tried to tell herself.