Chapter 24- Forever Altered

"Jaken, are you sure you understand your assignment?"

The imp nodded vigorously. "Oh yes, my lord! I am sure your mother simply ate some bad fruit or something similar that impaired her judgement; I will shed light on this matter in no time."

Sesshomaru eyed their target some fifty yards away as she paddled her feet in the stream that ran beneath her.

"This is a reconnaissance, nothing more- you are not to criticize in any way or otherwise defend me against her."

"I will be the subtlest spy the world has even seen," Jaken assured his master. "She will never suspect a thing."

It had been a week since Sesshomaru's attempt to delve behind the wall Rin had set before him. She seemed to have no hard feelings whatsoever on the matter, gaily skipping and chatting each day as always, but the demon lord had wanted to make absolutely certain the event had sufficiently faded from recent memory before he broached the subject again. During that time he had hardly thought of anything else but this present mystery, and it was a wonder to him he had not burst from the suspense that filled him. This morning he departed from their camp as if to slay a neighboring demon, but the moment Rin had wandered off to entertain herself Sesshomaru returned and informed his vassal of a plan; Jaken was supplied with only the knowledge absolutely necessary to his part, which meant he knew nothing of the million anxious thoughts pounding through his lord's mind.

"Remember, Jaken: you must tell me everything she says. If you leave anything out, I will cut you into such tiny pieces an ant wouldn't be able to make a meal off of you."

The demon lord watched as the imp slipped away into the bushes. Once the vassal was halfway to Rin, Sesshomaru began to follow stealthily, gliding from tree to tree as a shadow; he trusted Jaken to recall the words themselves, but he knew the way they were said could make all the difference, and the only way to hear that was by eavesdropping. Of course, if Jaken knew he was being observed he would no doubt be incredibly nervous, hence the reason Sesshomaru was tailing his own servant. The imp strolled to the log Rin was sitting on, looking very innocent and not at all like he had any ulterior motives; Sesshomaru put himself within ample hearing distance and settled against a large oak, wondering hopelessly if this would work…and what he might learn.

"I guess we can safely say summertime has started," Jaken gave for his opening line. "My, my, feel that heat!"

"You can sit with me," Rin offered, scooting further down the log. "I don't think your legs are long enough to reach the water, though."

The imp plopped onto the wood. "Perhaps not, but being near the water is better than nothing." He turned amiably to his companion. "How are you today?"

Sesshomaru felt the corners of his mouth pull downward very quickly. Surely Jaken knew better than to ask such an out-of-character question? Rin squinted a little, the slightest trace of suspicion crossing over her.

"Why do you ask?"

Jaken looked a little less confident. "Well, I mean, you seemed a little down this morning. I thought perhaps you were having one of "those days" you have every once in a while."

The young woman gave him a silent appraisal before shrugging. "Just be glad you're not a girl, Master Jaken; it can be really annoying sometimes."

"I'm sure, I'm sure," the demon hastily affirmed. "That was why I came."

Rin frowned. "What do you mean?"

Jaken floundered for a response, and the hidden observer began to suspect this had not been the best plan after all. The imp seemed to have a sudden flash of inspiration and babbled out an answer.

"I know women like to chat with other females about their problems and feelings; I realized you haven't had another woman to gab with in ages, and no doubt you have a lot on your mind after everything at the palace last week. I thought maybe I could help."

Rin raised an eyebrow with sardonic amusement. "You think of yourself as a woman, now?"

The little green demon swallowed his offense admirably. "Of course not; I simply want to ease your mind of its weight."

"Why the sudden concern?" the human asked shrewdly. "I thought you just tolerated me."

Jaken feigned horror. "We may have our differences, Rin, but even I have compassion. You seemed rather sad, and I was worried."

Rin didn't say anything for a time. She stared down at the water swirling around her ankles, undoubtedly weighing the offer and searching for hidden meaning; the imp sat patiently, looking every inch the concerned friend who simply wanted to offer a listening ear. He raised his hand as if to pat the girl's arm, but seemed to think better of it before he could follow through.

"I appreciate your worry, Jaken," the young woman said at last, "but this is really personal, and I don't think telling you about it will make things any better."

So, something is on her mind, then.

"You can tell me," the toad-ish demon replied easily, offering some bread he'd apparently brought with him.

Rin accepted the food and took a slow bite. "But it won't make things any different," she said quietly, as if to herself.

"Oh, pish-posh! I always feel so much better after I've spoken my mind."

"Which you do on a daily basis," Rin answered wryly.

Sesshomaru unconsciously smiled- he had just thought the exact same thing.

"My dear girl, give me some credit: how many times have I protected you at the risk of my own life? How many times have I sounded the alarm when an enemy was about to attack you?" Jaken dabbed at his eyes dramatically. "I still think about when you were a little girl and went at your own peril to find the Sennenso berries to heal me from Naraku's poisonous insects; you were so brave for one so young, facing down a horde of demons all for the sake of someone who only ever nagged at you." He blew his nose. "I'm only trying to be here for you as you were for me that day, but maybe…maybe I've been too cruel for too long for you to trust me."

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes at such dreadful theatrical tactics. Rin always saw through Jaken's hyperbole in an instant; there was no way she would believe him now after such a ridiculous speech.

"Master Jaken," the young woman whispered, watching the imp wipe away his crocodile tears. "I had no idea."

She must truly be upset if she fell for that, the demon lord thought with some concern. Is it right to take advantage of her in such a state?

"If I tell you, how can I know you'll keep it to yourself?"

Sesshomaru instantly forgot about any and all moral dilemmas.

"Me, betray your trust?" Jaken gasped, putting a hand to his heart. "You insult my honor."

Rin gave him a serious gaze. "Swear it. Swear to me on your undying allegiance to Lord Sesshomaru that you will never tell a soul."

"Er…" Jaken gulped, casting a nervous glance around.

"You have to promise."

"I, uh, I promise," the little demon weakly replied.

The young woman beside him nodded solemnly. "It's like this," she began. "Lord Sesshomaru's mother came to me the night of the council; she said all sorts of terrible and awful things to me, and it's been bothering me ever since."

"What did she say?"

Rin sighed. "It was like she could read my mind. She said out loud all the fears and worries I've ever had about Lord Sesshomaru in my darkest moments, the thoughts that have darted through for an instant but I've chased away- that I might cause his death because he will always protect me no matter what, that I'm distracting him from his goals…."

Her voice dropped so low Sesshomaru almost missed the rest of her words.

"…And that I will never be good enough for him."

Not good enough? For what? Rin was the most perfectly well-behaved person Sesshomaru had ever met; how could she think she still left something to be desired? Jaken didn't seem to understand either.

"In what way?" he quested.

Rin gave a small, sad smile. "Lord Sesshomaru…he'll never see me as something more than I am to him now. I can wish for it with all my might, but he'll never…he'd never consider me as a potential mate."

Any lingering doubts were obliterated then and there. Sesshomaru's world turned upside-down, and he knew there was no going back to the way it had been before. A thousand new thoughts burst upon his fractured mind with blinding force. How? When? Why?

"He would NEVER!" Jaken screamed, forgetting his cover. "You're human!"

"I know that!" Rin angrily stood up, glaring at the green imp. "Why do you think I'm upset? It's because I know he will never love me, and I have to live with that! I will love Lord Sesshomaru until my last breath, and I can't do anything about it. Do you have any idea how hard that is? There are days I can hardly contain my feelings at all-" She stopped herself and unexpectedly sat back down to bury her face in her hands. "But contain them I must."

The little demon beside her apparently remembered the façade he was supposed to be presenting. He awkwardly patted the girl's shoulder and sympathetically tsked.

"I'm sorry, Rin. I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just…you have to realize how-"

"It's impossible," she finished, sniffling. "I know. I realized that a long time ago."

Despite the sorrow in her voice there were no tears, as if she'd already wrung them all out for this subject a long time ago. She gave Jaken an affectionate squeeze.

"It's not your fault. His mother reopened the wounds, but they'll scar up eventually, again." Rin took a deep breath. "And now, if you don't mind, I think I might take a bath. It won't change a thing, but I still want to look my best when he comes back."

Jaken made his goodbyes and scuttled away. He found his master a few minutes later, but when he opened his mouth no words emerged; he was torn between two loyalties, bound to serve his lord above all others and yet guilted by the memory of the promise he had made to someone who had trusted him in her complete despair. He gurgled and mumbled in agony, hardly daring to meet the golden stare bearing down on him with crushing strength, until at last Sesshomaru turned and walked away.

"That will be all, Jaken."

Sesshomaru was numb for the next couple of days. He had always been one to spend a significant amount of his time deep in thought, mulling over and dissecting every little piece of information that came his way: it was his way of processing the world around him. He now realized that not long after Rin's rejoining him this habit was relied upon even more than usual, and more times than not those musings were somehow connected to the human; her very companionship challenged too many of the beliefs he'd held for centuries, and every day brought new opportunities for her to further capture his thoughts. At present, however, his thoughts were not so much captive as they were petrified. The innerworkings of his mind which normally ran with razor-sharp precision- able to assess any situation, calculate risks, invent and implement the solution all in blindingly rapid succession -all of it was shut down, dead in the water, silent.

The sole thought that brokenly swam through his consciousness was the one thing he did not want to give any attention to. He stared ahead with unseeing eyes, desperate to distract himself from the piece of knowledge, straining to find anything else but that to meditate upon; he could not give it more attention than he already had- it was what had caused this mental shutdown in the first place. The demon lord knew Rin had noticed how severely withdrawn he had become recently, and he wished he were capable of disguising his distractedness. So far she had not inquired too much about the matter, but he knew if she received much more one-syllable answers she would eventually speak out.

She is in love with me.

Sesshomaru inwardly groaned as the lone thought flickered anew throughout his mind. Could he get no rest? Curse it all, he already knew she loved him; what he really needed to consider was…what did he do now? He could not ignore this revelation, but in order to resolve it he needed to identify what his feelings were, and that terrified him more than anything. He cared deeply for the girl, and he knew there was no one else he would rather spend his time with; she made his heart full and content in a way it had never felt in his entire life, and (before he went into this recent state of shellshock) a great part of his mind had been occupied with ideas of how to better show her affection.

But…does all of that have to necessarily mean that I love her as well?

He couldn't believe he was even entertaining the notion, but morbid curiosity declared he could not move past this issue until he answered that question.

I can't be in love with her, he wearily told himself, I simply can't be. If I were, everything between us would change…and I don't know what would happen.

In other words, you're afraid. You're afraid of admitting you were wrong when you swore you would never fall, and you're afraid of the unknown an intimate relationship would bring.

Sesshomaru didn't even have the strength to argue with himself anymore.

Yes. I am afraid.

"Lord Sesshomaru?"

"Mm?"

"What's the matter?"

The demon lord watched the road stoically. "Nothing."

"But you've hardly said a word in two days, and you look downright ill. Maybe you should rest."

"I'm fine."

Rin pressed her index fingers together worriedly. "Have I done something to offend you?" she asked in a small voice.

I can't let her torment herself with imagined guilt. Come on, talk to her!

"No, Rin; I am simply very preoccupied."

The young woman unexpectedly reached up and set her hand to Sesshomaru's forehead. In his consternation the tiny gesture actually made him nervous, and his heart began to beat faster by the mere touch of her skin to his.

"I don't think you're running a fever- you're almost clammy, to be honest." Rin lightly took hold of his sleeve. "Please tell me what's wrong."

Don't look at her, don't look at her-

Sesshomaru looked at her. Despite the fact she was once again dressed in a plainer kimono, her beauty had not faded in his eyes since that fateful night of the council. It was the crowning jewel to the purest soul he had seen walk this earth, casting a spell over him and inexorably drawing him closer than he ever thought he could be with another person. She had secretly given him her heart with no expectation to ever gain anything in return…and she believed he had no knowledge of this. He had no desire to cheapen that freely-offered gift by lying, but how could he possibly talk about any of this with her? He had no idea where he would even start. Rin brightened suddenly.

"I bet I know why you're so down!" she exclaimed. "You're subconsciously reliving what you were feeling this time last year."

The silver-haired demon looked at her with a silent question.

"It was a year ago that Jiri nearly killed me."

Sesshomaru could hardly believe it. She'd been with him an entire year already? It felt like hardly any time had passed at all.

Well, you ARE immortal, after all, an inner voice said snidely. A human year is nothing to you.

Perhaps it was for the best he let her think she was right. He forced himself to give a small smile.

"You are probably right, of course," he replied, patting the hand that still grasped him.

The motion died away and his hand settled over hers. Rin looked back at him, her dark eyes beckoning and enlivening his senses in a way they'd never previously been used; it was the unnamed instinct, but this was a different facet he had not experienced before. For lack of a better way to put it the feeling almost seemed akin to hunger, but not in the sense of requiring nourishment. He needed her, needed to hold her tight, needed to find some way to express all the things he'd ever felt toward her- Sesshomaru forced himself to speak to stop the building tide.

"If it has indeed been a year, then that means your birthday was last month."

Rin smiled shyly. "Yes; I think it was somewhere around the time we were encamped by the sea."

The demon lord felt a pang of guilt for forgetting: he knew birthdays meant a lot to humans.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked, willing his hand to let go and wondering why it wouldn't obey.

"Oh, it's just a birthday…."

Sesshomaru shook his head. "We must do something to celebrate it, as well as the fact you've put up with Jaken for an entire year."

"What was that?" a high-pitched voice rasped behind them.

"I know what we can do," the demon lord announced, picking Rin up under the arms and setting her on A-Un.

He took to the skies, his gray mind slowly coming back to life a little. He knew he couldn't avoid the pressing matter much longer, but for tonight he would let himself be lost in trying to give Rin a special memory he knew she would appreciate. He owed her that much, at least.