September 17th.
It was September 17th.
James was going home today.
His hospital room was all cleaned, everything was all packed away, he was being discharged, he was finally going home.
He was relieved he wasn't required to leave the hospital in a wheelchair, he admitted to himself that would be really embarrassing. Plus, he just wanted to run away as fast as he could from the paparazzi outside and dive headfirst into the car and locking the door shut. It would be nice if that could be forever, he thought.
He was actually feeling rather tired, even though he spent almost the last 24 hours sleeping. Nobody expected him to just get up and return to normal right away. He still had to see a therapist once and week and get plenty of sleep, not taking part in any strenuous activities because it might run his heart rate ragged. James just nodded and agreed to everything they said. It's not like his opinion would matter anyway.
He was a little irritated with the fact he had to see the counselor at least once or twice a week, though. He hasn't really talked about his attempt since it happened several weeks ago, and he felt he should keep it that way. But no, he wasn't because it would be "bad for him". "Keeping it inside won't help you recover" they say, "It's not good to lock up your feelings" they say, "you need to talk about it" they say, "you can't keep it inside forever they say.
If only they knew.
Accompanied by Mrs. Knight and Kendall, James was led out of the hospital by the nurse.
"Logan went to get the car." Mrs. Knight said. "Carlos and Katie stayed at home to get ready."
James just nodded. Kendall gave him an upsetting look and attempted to put his arm around his shoulder, but James quietly pushed it off.
James' discharge date was kept a secret to the public. If it hadn't, there would have been a swarm of paparazzi out there waiting for him. That being said, James still rushed into the van as fast as he could to avoid contact with anyone. Mrs. Knight and Kendall exchanged heartbreaking looks with Logan and quietly got into the car.
The ride home was quiet.
James just stared out the window the entire time, watching L.A pass before his eyes, the world he never thought he'd lay eyes on ever again.
It only took minutes to reach the Palm Woods, and James' stomach twisted with nervousness and fear as they reached closer and closer to the building. Everyone could tell by the panicked look on James' face how he felt. His eyes grew bigger and he tensed up, fiddling with his hands as they finally reached their destination. Everyone got out of the car, except James. He just couldn't stop staring straight ahead, panicked to the brim, afraid to step foot onto the pavement and walk into hell.
Kendall opened James' door, snapping him out of it. He didn't say anything, just extended his hand to him. After a few moments of hesitation, James reluctantly took his hand and stepped out of the car.
All eyes were on him.
They quickly walked into the Palm Woods, although to James it seemed like it took years. There was talking and laughing all going on in the lobby, but when James stepped through the doors the noise died down and turned to whispers. James tried his hardest to avoid eye contact with them, and walked quickly along with his head down towards the elevator.
He could hear people whispering, "Oh my God, James is back." "I thought he killed himself?" "He attempted suicide." "I heard he was in a coma." "Look at his arms. He cut himself." "Oh my God." "Look at him." "Didn't he try to kill himself?" "He's back."
All around him voices were heard in small yet insanely loud whispers, digging into his brain and poking and poking at him until he couldn't take it any longer. He dashed into the elevator and pressed the button so quickly Mrs. Knight, Kendall and Logan barely made it on in time.
Everyone was still silent, and James was on the verge of tears until Mrs. Knight broke the silence.
"So how do you feel being back home after such a long time in the hospital?" She asked, offering James a pleasant smile. But he didn't answer, he just stared at the ground in silence and prayed that they'd reach the second floor as fast as they could.
When the elevator finally left them off on the 2nd floor, James' legs were actually trembling with each step he took. Truthfully, he was scared, scared beyond his imagination to be back home. He didn't want to be there. He didn't care where he was, home was the last place he wanted to be.
They finally reached 2J.
James' breathing increased and his hands were trembling. Never again did he think he would be walking through this door again, he never thought he would see his room again. He swore he'd never lay eyes on this place again but here he was, on his way home, starting his life again.
Mrs. Knight opened the door and James took the first few baby steps inside.
He looked around at the apartment. It was exactly the same since the last time he saw it. Nothing looked different. Nothing's changed.
James slowly walked forward, his eyes darting this way and that at everything like he's never been to the place before. This was new to him, though. He thought he'd never step foot back in here again.
"I'm going to make lunch, so you boys will just have to wait a few minutes to eat." Mrs. Knight said, going over to the refrigerator to get lunch started.
James still looked around, gently brushing his hand up against a thing or two to make sure it was really there, that this was all really happening. That he really was home.
As he slowly walked around, he looked at everything. It was all the same. Nothing had been moved or changed, it was all the same. He didn't know why he thought everything would be totally different. The only thing that was really different was the atmosphere-it had a bit of tension lingering through it, an awkward silence that not even he could explain.
"Hey James!" A little voice called out from the apartment. James was startled as Katie ran up to him and gave him a big hug, smiling. "Glad you're home. We missed you." She said. James just gently smiled back down at her. Mrs. Knight and the boys probably put her up to this, he thought to himself. Suddenly everyone's so nice after a suicide attempt. Humph.
Katie let go and went to go help her mom. "Where's Carlos?" Kendall and Logan asked as James lingered upstairs.
He didn't here or care about the rest of their conversation. He slowly went up the stairs and let his hand slide on the railing and the wall the whole way up.
It all feels the same. He thought. But why does it all feel so…different? So…unlike everything else…so…strange.
He approached the bedrooms. His eyes stopped dead at his and Carlos' bedroom door. He suddenly tensed up and started to sweat. He didn't know why he was feeling this nervous, but he was. He suddenly felt scared, like a little mouse trapped in a big cage.
It took him several minutes before he could step forward. He slowly grabbed the doorknob, the cold metal stinging his hands. He shook as he slowly turned it. He was, for some reason, so terrified to step back into his room that he swiped his hand off the doorknob two times before he cad the courage to just quickly grab it and swing it open.
He stepped inside.
And came face to face with Carlos for the first time in days.
Carlos looked up at him. He was fixing the sheets on James' bed. The room really looked clean since the last time he's been there, before he…
James stood there with his hand on the doorknob, thinking this was really a bad idea. Carlos, without a word, and an odd look on his face, walked past James, saying, 'excuse me' as he passed him, and left James, once again, alone.
James took a look around the room. The room was different. Not only was the atmosphere different and the fact that it looked spotless, but something was definitely different.
He looked at everything, keeping along the wall, his hand on it like he was holding onto a guard rail. He looked at the posters and other things that hung from their walls, boxes of unneeded stuff just lying in the corner, and his dresser.
He found all his fan gifts and pictures still there, but nicely and neatly placed and organized. James smiled and sort of giggled to himself. Not at the memories, but at the thought. "If Carlos did this, it's so unlike him." He said. "He's not the type to…you know, clean something."
He stopped when he looked at the bed. What was supposed to be his final resting place was now all fixed up and organized. The pillows fluffed and neatly stacked, the sheets fixed and smoothed, the blankets lied out nice and neatly, everything.
He wondered what they did with the pill bottle he left on the side table.
Threw it away, he thought. He always wondered what they would've done with his things if he would've completed.
A thought immediately clicked in his head. Not that he wanted to, he just wanted to know: did they know about the secret he kept in the bathroom cabinet?
He raced over to the bathroom. Well, it wasn't a secret anymore, he just wanted to know. Nobody could've known or guessed where it was hidden, and he started to panic. He swung open the cabinet and started fumbling through everything in it.
As he began to panic more, miscellaneous items began falling out and into the sink. The cabinet, the bathroom, everything, it had all been cleaned and sorted out.
His razor was gone.
Carlos must've found it and got rid of it.
He looked through everything they kept in there. Nothing. Not even a single razor to shave with or anything. Gone. Everything sharp had been removed from the room. James slammed his fists on the sink, suddenly extremely angry.
"Carlos!" He gritted through his teeth. He buried his head in his hands and felt like he wanted to cry. He didn't have the urge to cut at that moment, but he was still fuming on the inside at the thought of his razor, and every other razor and sharp item he could imagine they'd have, was gone and out of reach. Every pill, every razor, everything suicide or self injury accessible was gone and out of sight, out of mind.
Well, not completely out of mind.
James just kind of stood there for a moment when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He snapped back into reality and began quickly putting everything he knocked over back on shelves.
He finished just in time for the footsteps to reach the top of the stairs and walk into the bedroom. James made it look like he was washing his face when the footsteps revealed to be Carlos.
"Come on downstairs." He said in a quiet voice, opening the bathroom door. "Mrs. Knight says lunch is ready." And he left without another word.
Downstairs, they were all eating. James was finally joining them for a complete 'family lunch' after all this time. But this occasion was anything other than happy. Everyone was quiet and you could practically see the tension between the six of them.
"So, James." Mrs. Knight asked, pouring herself a glass of freshly made lemonade. "Are you glad to be back home?"
James just replied with a nod. He stared down at his sandwich and tall glass of lemonade. He couldn't eat-his mind was too distracted.
"We missed you hear, James." Katie said, taking a bite out of her food. "I needed someone to argue with for the downstairs bathroom." James grinned at her, taking a sip of his lemonade to show some signs of life from him.
"Carlos has been lonely." Kendall said, looking up at James. James looked at Carlos, who had his head down and was sort of picking at his food. "He needed someone to play video games and another player on his team for dome hockey."
James shot Kendall a "why the hell did you just do that" look. Kendall shrugged his shoulders and went back to eating. James didn't like what Kendall was doing, and what Logan was about to do.
"We need to do something special tonight." Logan said. "Like watch a movie or play video games together, or a two on two team of hockey. Me and Kendall against you and Carlos."
James noticed Carlos looked very uncomfortable also. James, and also Mrs. Knight, shot the both of them an evil look. They immediately stopped talking.
The silence between all of them became too much for James. He sat there in silence while all the little noises surrounded him' like the sound of people walking on the floor above them the sound of glasses being picked up and put back down, the cars in the street outside and the horns and shouts of people, and just everyone breathing became too…loud for him. He couldn't stand it.
"I'm sorry I gotta go." He said, and he immediately stood up and ran upstairs, leaving everyone confused.
"Is he ok?" Kendall asked as soon as he was gone. Carlos was now looking up in his direction.
"I don't know but the doctor says someone has to check on him every now and then, in case he tries to attempt suicide again." Mrs. Knight said, her voice lowering at the last few words.
Upstairs, James slammed his bedroom door shut and flung himself down on his bed, crying into his pillow. It was unfair, it was all unfair. Things shouldn't be like this. They can't just expect him to pick up where he left off and continue things on like nothing ever happened. They can't expect him to just start talking to Carlos like they never fought. They can't expect him to be happy when he really wasn't. Everything was just unfair, James thought.
He shouldn't even be alive right then.
He just lied there, letting all of his emotions out into his pillow, not knowing Carlos was standing at the door watching him.
All throughout the day things were….well, not normal and not different, but somewhere…in between. Kendall and Logan played video games and James watched them. They asked him several times to play, but he refused. He did play dome hockey for a little bit, though, but only for a few minutes. Carlos was basically still a mute, not participating in everything. He helped Mrs. Knight with little things around the apartment throughout the say, not avoiding James but not speaking to him either.
James almost felt a little bad for Carlos. He didn't know why, but there was this odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Carlos didn't look angry anymore, but really, really sad. He had this distant look in his eyes and never talked, except when he was helping Mrs. Knight. But other than that, barely a word. Not even a yes or a no, just a head shake or a nod, or even a shrug of his shoulders. He seemed to be keeping an eye on James, though, but looking away from him or walking away at a fast pace when James noticed.
As it started getting dark out, Mrs. Knight told them it was time to go to sleep. "But mom, come on. It's still kinda early!" Kendall said.
"Kendall, stop being a child and the four of you head off to bed." She said, pointing to the direction of their rooms.
"But we don't have to go back to work for a little while. We can stay up later." Logan complained alongside Kendall.
"Bed. NOW." She said, crossing her arms, a secret smirk hidden on her face, like she wanted to laugh. Kendall and Logan rolled their eyes and followed Carlos upstairs, James trailing last. That's when another thought clicked into his brain. He forgot-he'd have to stay in the same room as Carlos that night. Could he do possibly do it without things getting…uncomfortable or awkward?
James turned to Mrs. Knight as everyone walked upstairs. "Can't I just sleep on the couch tonight?" He asked.
Mrs. Knight gave him a sympathetic look. "James, honey," she said, placing her hands on his shoulders. "If this is about what happened with you and Carlos, sleep in your own bed tonight, everything will be fine."
"But I don't think we're still…on good terms." He said. "I don't know if Carlos even wants to talk to me anymore."
"James, everything will be fine, I promise." She said. "Carlos has done so much work getting your room ready for you to come home. He may not show it but he missed you, a lot. Look, you'll be fine, just go to sleep. Goodnight." She kissed him on the head and walked away. James sighed and went upstairs.
When he got to his room, he noticed Carlos was already in his pajamas and getting ready to slide into bed. No clothes were spread anywhere across the floor like they normally were. Everything was spot clean. He noticed Carlos threw all his clothes in a little hamper by the bathroom door.
"Well you, um, you sure got dressed…pretty, uh…pretty fast." James said. He felt nervous saying anything to Carlos, but he wanted to break this tension that's been bothering him for days.
"Yeah." Came Carlos' reply, and he crawled under the blankets and said not another word. James sighed and grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom. Shutting and locking the door behind him, he stared into the mirror.
He didn't know what he saw anymore. What he saw wasn't James. What he saw was a broken, confused person.
"You need to stop lying to yourself, James." He said to his reflection. "You're starting to act like nothing's wrong, like everything will get better when it's really not. You're actually starting to believe them. Stop thinking like that, it's not true. They're just lying, every last one of them…what in hell am I saying to myself?!" James said, throwing his hands up in the air.
"Am, I really starting to get so caught up in my thoughts that I'm actually thinking this way again? No, just, just stop it!" He said. He plugged his ears to block out his own thoughts, but he swear he heard a little voice.
Don't listen to them, they're all lying.
He shut his eyes as tight as he could close them, but it was like the devil and angel that sit on your shoulders were arguing with him: One good, one bad. Like his subconscious was in conflict with itself.
But James, they're only trying to help. They want you to feel better.
You're a terrible person. You should've died, no one wants you, can't you see they're just pretending?
You survived for a reason, James. You're alive for a reason.
Don't listen to everyone else. Nothing will ever get better.
Things WILL get better.
They WILL not.
James let out a low, frustrated yell and slammed his fists back on the sink, shaking the bathroom. He stared angrily in the mirror at himself. He hated everything he saw.
A knock on the bedroom door startled him. "James, we heard you scream, are you ok?" Kendall's voice asked.
"Yeah, I'm just….I can't screw the damn cap back on the toothpaste." He said. What an idiot, he thought. Toothpaste? You gotta be fucking kidding me.
When Kendall's footsteps vanished, James took another look at himself in the mirror. He scowled at himself. "I'm not letting them win." He said to himself. "I'm going to win this fight…on my own." He said. "I really am nothing…I wasn't supposed to live, I shouldn't have. I'll make sure next time I won't make that mistake again…"