FANFICTION IS FINALLY WORKING AGAIN.

I tried really hard on this chapter.

Like, really hard.

So I'm sorry if it sucks or seemed rushed or whatever just mehhhhhhh.

By the way, funny story. I accidentally triggered a panic attack by using an old panic attack as reference for writing a panic attack.

My life. ;-;

Woo.

Please review. c: They get chapters out faster (that's a lie). But no, they really make me happy. I'm all like "ASDSJEJWKLNJLGHFGLERG" when I get new reviews and follows and favorites. ;-;

OH and I know I mentioned that no one else knew about their relationship in the last chapter, but that's because I didn't want to mention Kakashi knowing yet. I'll probably go change it eventually but then again I'm lazy... ;-; idk.

Yay.

sorry if this sucks

"Sasuke refuses to speak to me."

"Really? That's surprising." Kakashi settled back into his chair. "What are you two fighting about?"

Itachi shrugged. Although he came clean to Kakashi about his and Sasuke's relationship around a year ago, it still felt a bit awkward talking about it with someone. But he knew the man couldn't say anything because they weren't breaking any laws and no one was getting hurt. Sasuke was now above the age of consent and Kakashi wasn't aware of anything sexual they did before he was. Incest may have been frowned upon, but it wasn't illegal. Their relationship may not have been right by some people's moral standards, but according to the law they did nothing wrong.

"It's just…the same thing. He wants us to have sex and I don't think he's ready." Itachi shrugged and shifted in his seat. "The only difference is now he's threatening to find someone else."

"That doesn't sound like something Sasuke would do," Kakashi muttered.

"I know," Itachi nodded. "I don't know what to do about it. What if he actually does go find someone else just because I won't have sex with him?" Itachi sighed and pushed his bangs off his face. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Sasuke, not after all they'd been through to get where they were. Would Sasuke really give everything up over something so stupid?

"He's getting desperate," Kakashi said. "Do you really think he'd leave you?"

"I don't know. That's what's scaring me." Itachi stared at the ground. Memories of the cute little boy who clung to him clouded his mind, reminding him of the days before Orochimaru ruined everything. "I just wish we listened to him. He wouldn't be the way he is today if we only just believed him."

"Don't blame yourself," Kakashi said. "You didn't have any idea."

Itachi dragged his gaze from the floor to the man in front of him. "I didn't like him when I met him. I knew something felt a little off," he said, his voice cracking just the slightest bit. "Even if I could have stopped it then…maybe things would be different."

"Itachi-kun, beating yourself up won't help matters. It is what it is and there's no changing that."

"But I was supposed to protect him," Itachi said, leaning forward in his seat and pointing towards himself. "Me. His big brother. I was supposed to make sure no one touched him that way. And what happened?" Itachi lifted his hands. "I completely ignored him when he needed it most. Look at him now. He's a mess." He leant back in his seat and wiped at his eyes. "I should have been able to stop it."

"Don't think about the past, Itachi-kun. What's done is done."

Itachi nodded, sniffling a bit. "I know that—trust me, I do. I know there's no use in entertaining thoughts of what could or should have been. I know."

"Then stop torturing yourself. From what I've gathered, you and Mikoto-san are both driving yourselves crazy. Shit happens, Itachi-kun." The teen managed a half-hearted smirk and nodded. Leave it to Kakashi to be blunt. "There are a ton of fucked up people in the world. What happened to you and what happened to Sasuke were both awful things. Yeah, they shouldn't have happened, but they did. There's no changing that. You can either spend your entire life thinking over the way the world's wronged you, or move on and live. It's your choice."

Itachi laughed quietly and nodded again. "You're right."

Kakashi smirked and rested his cheek on his hand. "I usually am. So, what are you going to do regarding Sasuke?"

"I…" Itachi sighed slowly and deeply. "I think…I'll try to talk to him. And if that doesn't work, I guess I have no choice but to have sex with him." Itachi shot a glance towards Kakashi. "I can't lose him. Not over something so stupid."

The man nodded.

"Do what you have to do, but hopefully he'll listen. We wouldn't want him to have any regrets."

Itachi could only hope he'd hear him out.

Itachi took a deep breath to steady himself before rapping on Sasuke's door. The kid refused to come out of his room aside from using the restroom since their fight the day before. Itachi wasn't even sure he'd eaten anything.

"Go away."

"Let me in."

"I said go away, fucktard."

Itachi nearly smacked himself in the face with the force of his hands moving to rub his temples.

Patience, Itachi.

"I still keep a bobby-pin in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it," he said through clenched teeth. Sasuke groaned loudly and stomped his way to the door. He unlocked it and cracked it open.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I would like for you to listen to me."

"Well, I'm not going to. Bye."

Sasuke swung the door closed but Itachi shoved his leg through the crack to block it. He pushed at the door with all his might, but Sasuke somehow managed to keep it partially closed.

"It would be nice if we could both act like adults in this situation," Itachi muttered, his voice slightly strained due to shoving at the door.

Sasuke scoffed. "'Adults?' Yeah, right. All I am is a kid to you. You do realize that fucking Naruto already lost his virginity to Sakura, right? Naruto, Aniki. Naruto."

Itachi lifted an eyebrow in amusement, though Sasuke couldn't see it. "Is this some kind of contest?"

"No!" Sasuke huffed, trying with all his might to keep the door closed. "But you're treating me like a child and I'm not one!"

"There are different circumstances."

"Fuck circumstances!"

Itachi sighed. Obviously, at this rate nothing was going to change. It looked like Sasuke wasn't in the mood to listen.

"If I agree to have sex, will you let me in?"

Sasuke froze, his eyes widening considerably. Did his brother just...consent? He stepped back from the door, allowing Itachi to push his way through. Once inside, he shut and locked it behind him.

"Well, now that-"

"So we can have sex?"

Itachi's eyebrow twitched. With a sigh, he nodded.

"If it's what you really, really want, then yes."

Sasuke grinned triumphantly.

"Then what are we waiting for?" He said, lifting his shirt above his head and tossing it into the corner. He sauntered to his bed then sat and lay back, propping his head up on his arms. "Let's get to it."

"No romance, Sasuke?" Itachi sighed, shaking his head. If this was what it took to keep Sasuke, then he'd go through with it. He just always imagined their first time differently; he imagined it being more special. But, as Kakashi said, shit happens.

Sasuke shrugged. "Romance is overrated."

Itachi chose to ignore that and made his way over to Sasuke's bed. He crawled on top of him.

"Is this really what you want?"

"I already said yes," Sasuke said, his tone nothing short of annoyed. "If you're having second thoughts I could still go find someone else."

That hit a nerve.

"You're mine," Itachi growled before crashing his lips against Sasuke's. His eyes widened. Itachi usually wasn't so…forceful. Did he really piss him off that badly?

He shut his eyes and tried to lose himself in the kiss. He brought his hand up and threaded it through Itachi's hair, pulling him closer. Itachi's tongue pried his lips open and mapped out the inside of his mouth, causing Sasuke to moan. Itachi ran his hands down Sasuke's bare upper torso to tweak a nipple. Sasuke's eyebrows drew together as he began feeling a bit…weird.

His mind played fuzzy images of someone very different doing the exact same things to him. Different hands, a different mouth, different eyes. Hands touching him, touching him, not stopping, never stopping, no one can hear you, good boy, take off your clothes, no escape no escape…

Sasuke's eyes shot open and he shoved Itachi off him. He blinked quickly as tears blurred his vision and his breaths came short and harsh. He couldn't breathe; no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't fucking breathe. He held his hand to his chest, choking on each gasp of air he somehow managed to take.

"Sasuke, what's wrong?!" Itachi leant forward and placed his hand on Sasuke's arm. The younger jerked his arm away, causing Itachi to flinch back.

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" He shouted, once again pushing Itachi away and jumping from his place on the bed. He backed up until his back hit the wall, his eyes wide and terrified.

"Sasuke," Itachi repeated, slowly standing from the bed. He knew exactly what was happening. "Calm down."

Sasuke shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to focus on breathing, in and out, in and out…

He bent over and heaved. He heaved and heaved, trying to breathe, trying to do anything but it didn't help. He choked and gasped and clutched at his chest. His heart pounded so hard he was sure he would die. It hurt so much. Everything just hurt.

He couldn't think straight. Those images, those memories, those feelings. That man touching him, feeling him, touching him, again and again and again and again.

He made you feel good.

Sasuke fell his knees and doubled over, choking and gagging for air. Itachi took slow steps towards his brother, being careful to avoid doing anything that could set him off more. He was familiar with these, though it had been a long, long time since he suffered one, especially one this terrible.

"Sasuke," he said, his voice low and soothing. "Try to calm down."

Sasuke nodded, his brother's voice somehow breaking through the barrage of thoughts and feelings. He choked and felt tears run down his cheeks, some flowing into his mouth. The taste of salt hit his tongue, though he didn't care. His heartbeat thumped and thumped and the sound was nearly deafening in his ears. His tears fell without restraint, but he still couldn't breathe.

Itachi bit his lip, slowly kneeling down next to his younger brother. This was even worse than when Sasuke testified against Orochimaru, and that had been bad.

"Sasuke," he whispered. He moved his hand to rub the boy's back, but he jerked away.

"D-Don't touch me," he choked, shaking his head frantically. He didn't want anyone to touch him, not anymore, never again, please, please, don't touch me.

"You're okay, Otouto," Itachi whispered, though he was careful to keep his hands to himself. "You're okay. No one is going to touch you if you don't want them to. Just breathe."

Sasuke nodded. Little by little the images faded away and were replaced by Itachi telling him he was alright, he was okay, he didn't do anything, you're fine, you're fine.

Slowly, slowly, his breathing returned to normal. He stayed hunched over, clutching at his chest, but he could breathe again. His lungs hurt, his throat hurt, his eyes hurt, but he was calming down. Itachi breathed a silent sigh of relief. He knew firsthand how awful panic attacks could be.

Sasuke stayed in the same position and trembled, but he no longer gasped for air. His breathing was slow and deep. Neither boy said a word. Both were trying to settle down.

"Sasuke," Itachi whispered after a couple of minutes. "What happened?"

Sniffling, Sasuke slowly sat up and leant against the wall, his eyes puffy and bloodshot. He was about to respond when there was a knock at the door.

"Honey?"

Itachi sighed. Great, she's home early.

Mikoto tried to wiggle the doorknob but found it locked. She furrowed her eyebrows, but wasn't truly surprised. Sighing, Itachi stood and crossed the room to the door. He unlocked and opened it, causing Mikoto to look at him with surprise. Why was he in here? She only came up to ask Sasuke if he wanted dinner and assumed Itachi was in his own room. Itachi backed away and allowed her to enter, and once she caught sight of Sasuke she ran over and crouched down to his level.

"Are you okay?" She asked, brushing his sweaty bangs off his face. He squeezed his eyes shut quickly then opened them and nodded.

"I'm alright," he said, his voice raspy and quiet.

She took in his disheveled and obviously disturbed appearance then surveyed the room. What happened? After a moment she caught sight of his shirt lying on the floor.

The door was locked, Itachi was in here, Sasuke wasn't wearing a shirt and it looked like it was thrown aside…

Mikoto squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. She then opened them and weakly smiled at Sasuke. Itachi crouched down beside her, but remained silent.

"Care to explain what happened?" She asked, her voice soft. He shrugged.

"I was having flashbacks to-to…" He shrugged once more and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "It was like it was happening all over again," he said, his voice nearly giving out on him. "I couldn't breathe."

"Are you okay now?" She asked. Sasuke nodded and tried his hardest to smile.

"I think so."

Mikoto leant in to hug Sasuke and expected to get pushed away. She was surprised, however, when Sasuke looped his arms around her and reciprocated her hug. She held him for a couple of moments before releasing him and leaning back. She brushed away the hair that stuck to his forehead and smiled.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

He nodded with a small smile.

"Yeah," he said. "Itachi-nii helped me calm down."

She turned to Itachi and smiled at him as well. She pecked him on the forehead then stood, brushing off her pant legs as she did so.

"Well, do you want me to call Kurenai-san?" Sasuke shook his head.

"I said I'm fine," he muttered, a tinge of annoyance slipping into his tone. Mikoto backed off. She knew he hated it when people worried about him.

"Alright," she said. "Would you like dinner?" Sasuke shook his head once again. She turned to Itachi but he shook his head as well.

"I just want to go to sleep," Sasuke said. He shifted his gaze towards Itachi. "Will you sleep in here with me?"

"Of course."

Mikoto pushed all unpleasant thoughts out of her mind. There was nothing wrong with her sons wanting to sleep in the same room after something like that happening. Nothing wrong.

"Goodnight. I love you guys," she said. She turned on her heel and left, shutting the door behind her.

She didn't want to think about what could have caused Sasuke to get so upset, but couldn't help but wonder what they were doing before she came home. She pressed her hand over half of her face and took a deep breath.

Her sons were just brothers.

Just. Brothers.

After Mikoto left, Sasuke and Itachi laid back down. This time, however, there was nothing sexual about it. Sasuke lay on top of Itachi and cuddled as close as he could. The elder noticed he was still trembling and rubbed his back gently until his shaking stopped. They lay like this for what almost felt like hours, just enjoying being close to each other.

"Nii-san?"

Itachi jumped a little. He thought Sasuke had drifted off to sleep.

"Yes?"

There was silence for a couple moments.

"I'm really sorry," Sasuke whispered.

Itachi held him closer and moved a hand to play with his hair. He gently ran it through his fingers.

"For what?"

"Everything. Being a bitch, being needy, being annoying, just…everything."

"It's fine."

"No it's not," Sasuke grumbled. He hid his face in the front of Itachi's shirt—they hadn't changed for bed yet—and sighed. "I treat you guys like shit and all you do is worry about me." Sasuke shook his head and shifted so he could peer up at his big brother. "I'm sorry I said I would leave you and find someone else, I just…" his face scrunched up and he looked like he was going to cry again. He sniffled and tried to talk through it, though his voice cracked in places. "I wanted to get rid of all the memories. I-I thought that if I, if I…went all the way, then the memories would go away. I have a lot of dreams a-about it, the sessions, and I…I can't deal with it anymore, Aniki." Tears slipped down his face and he shook his head. "I can't."

Itachi pulled him closer. Sasuke buried his face in his shirt and cried. He tried to mumble broken apologies, but Itachi hushed him and told him it was okay.

"I understand, Sasuke," he whispered over and over again.

Sasuke cried for a few more minutes, but soon ran out of tears. He felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically. His eyes hurt and his whole body ached.

After his crying quieted down, Itachi still played with his hair. The boy leant into the touch and sighed. Words could never describe how comforting Itachi was.

"Try to let go."

Sasuke made a small noise of surprise and shifted his eyes up towards Itachi.

"What do you mean?"

Itachi sighed. Well, it seemed like Sasuke was finally ready to listen.

"You can't hold on to things. What's in the past is in the past. I'm being a bit of a hypocrite by saying this considering I still blame myself for what happened to you, but you need to learn to let go. It happened. There's no changing that. The memories are always going to be there no matter what, but it's your decision whether you dwell on them or not.

"I know from experience that being sexually abused is awful. You feel disgusting, worthless, you blame yourself, but there's no one to blame except the person who did it. You think about it every day. You wonder why, what you did to deserve it. You question everything. You wonder if you could have stopped it, but thinking this way won't do you any good. What's done is done. The past is the past. Both men got what they deserved and they're no longer a part of our lives.

"I'll never forget what happened to me—trust me, I tried to for the longest time—but it doesn't control me. I still live my life. I have friends, I have you, I do well in school, and no one can take that away from me. I'm not broken. Father didn't win and he never will. I won, Sasuke. Now it's time for you to win. Let go."

Sasuke stared at his brother through his entire speech, just listening.

Let go…

*dies because sleep deprivation*

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